Travisty #100 - Easter Edition

“Travisty”

and “15 years old”. No, not a scandal involving various Travisty Editors and their girlfriends. Instead, a great achievement of journalism and literature. In the past 15 years, Travisty has been born, cancelled and reborn no fewer than four times, mutating whimsically from an independent satirical newspaper to printed smut and sudokus, albeit in 250gsm gloss form. For a full history on how we got here and where it all started, Misha is interviewing Travisty’s first editor, Joanna Heath, for a piece that will be published in the next edition.

This quinceañera edition is also special as it contains instructions on how to vote for the new Travisty Editors, which you can find on page 16. I’ve had a think and in order to prevent electoral fraud, as the only incorruptible figure, I will be the only vote counter. Find me getting breakfast in the Dining Hall at 9:28am on weekdays.

The keen-eyed of you will notice we’ve jumped some numbers. Due to the four cancellations, the

Eoin Walsh is hoping Ireland win Eurovision (again) and is busily preparing his Riverdance skills

number has reset several times, so technically we are on number 100, and have decided to amalgamate.

Easter Term is never the most fun of times due to all the exams, so in this edition we have some tips to deal with them. This is a tough period but things can and do get better. Keep your chin up, as Stephen Hawking used to say.

This marks the final issue of my editorship before I hand over to a new team who hopefully won’t be putting all of this together at 2am like I have done, very happily, for the last 8 editions. It has been an honour and I will miss most of you. Slán abhaile.

Misha Medvedev will stop fiddling with the water pipes in Great Court

Raymond Ramm

laments. And laments. And…Good God he’s written this entire edition

Hatty Innes submitted a Travisty article on the day of her exam - what’s your excuse?

Leo Versteegen can predict exam scores (both as a supervisor and a clairvoyant)

Arun “Ethics” Prabhakar didn’t write an article because he was too busy banging (your mum) out his diss

Lidija Beric was last seen selling milk in the street without a license, do not approach her if provoked

Matthew Sargent

May Slaughter you if he gets the chance (and the job offer)

Ruby Sanders-English solves many of life’s agonies

Harry Metrebian is a “journalist” with “integrity”

Agnijo Banerjee makes sudokus despite having been missing in the Cairngorms for 7 months

Dylan Toh does some spooky shit

Cover photo by Misha Medvedev

Headlines of the Week

We prefer the term “Faux News”. Your esteemed journalists, Harry Metrebian and Eoin Walsh

Queen not allowed to die until May Ball is over, College reports

The Trinity May Ball has been cancelled 3 timesin 2020-21 for COVID-19, during WW2, and in 1910 when the monarch, Edward VII, died. Now, nearly a thousand years later, we might be facing the same possibility. No one seems to know why the deaths of George V and George VI didn’t result in cancellation, either Trinity wasn’t as up itself and actually modernised in the 30s, or perhaps it was because they died several months before the May Ball, or maybe Georges’ just aren’t welcome at the May Ball anyway? Hard to know.

As a result, the Senior Tutor has taken extra steps to make sure that the robot controlling the Queen’s body will not be turned off until at least July, although the Queen herself has requested to survive until 31 August, to witness the 25th anniversary of her most successful vehicular assassination.

Travisty archive discovered during Great Court water works

While working to add Adderall to the water supply in Great Court, contractors unexpectedly discovered a treasure chest featuring carvings of the Magpie and Stump logo. When this was opened, dozens of previously unknown issues of Travisty from the distant past were found inside, along with a large gold pentagram, several human finger bones and a half-burnt LGBT flag. We have updated the issue numbers, so this issue of Travisty is now #100 rather than #35. The water works were later postponed after a dead duck was found to be blocking a pipe.

Trinity Complimen2s considered

The almost popular facebook page, allowing anonymous Trinity students’ messages to be broadcast to literally several people, has faced controversy in its time. While not as dead as Trinfess or Compliments of Trinity, and not as controversial as Trinity Compliments, which was put down like a dog after the verbal insults reached the upper echelons of TCSU members, its awkward posts serve as a reminder that at the end of the day, we’re all nerds trying to learn how to use the washing machines and make friends.

Trinity to send rejected applicants to Rwanda

Trinity has announced that is setting up a sister college in Rwanda, and intends to sent its rejected applicants there from the 2024/25 academic year onwards. According to the statement from the College Council: “Rwanda has an excellent modern education system, and students will receive much better teaching there than they would at third-rate universities such as Durham, UCL or Warwick. Besides, it isn’t much further away than Girton.” The Senior Tutor could not be reached for comment.

Leak reveals plan to ban women from studying at Trinity

In a shocking development, Travisty has obtained a leaked draft of the revised Trinity statutes which suggests that the Council plans to revoke the right of women to study at the College, reversing the historic decision made in 1975. An anonymous member of the Council confirmed that the leak is genuine, but stressed that the copy obtained by Travisty is an outdated version from February, and that fellows could still change their minds. The Council is investigating the source of the leak, and has resolved to ban the whistle-blower from all Trinity-owned land; Travisty notes that this would prevent them from travelling further than 20 miles from any location in the UK. A spokesman would not respond to questions about whether internationals or state-school students might be the next to have their rights threatened.

Welfare Tea to include penis inspections

Penile cancer is a major source of stress for many students, and the TCSU are proud to announce that this introduction will help to alleviate this.

“mediocre chat” but still better than nothing, students acknowledge

Fellow reads lewd bible passages during High Table Dinner

“The first time”, he was quoted as saying, “it was a mistake after glimpsing a passage in Ezekiel mentioning the engaging in prostitution with physical idols. I regret to say that the next time I was reading the Bible at High Table, I went directly to Solomon’s Song of Songs”. The Dean has announced that as a Title A fellow, the harshest penalty possible that can be given is a vegetarian meal instead of standard at the next high table meal and a bedtime of 9:15pm latest.

Trinity Bar to be nationalised

Trinity students, outraged at how many times the panini manufacturers have changed, and upset with the current supplier (one student describing the sandwiches as “the kind your batshit crazy aunt would make”), have decided to exert full control, extending opening times and allowing a publicly controllable playlist on the speakers. The Dean has responded positively, and is sending a CIA-backed militia to make sure the situation was resolved peacefully (specifically the quote was “full of pieces”).

Film Reviews for Cynical, Heartbroken, Bisexual Men

Raymond is free Thursdays and Sundays and enjoys long walks if anyone is interested

Dune- 7.767/10

Denis Villeneuve is Canadian, so not only would you expect his film adaptations to be tasteless, you’d also expect any and all nuance of the source material to soar comfortably above his head. However, he’s French-speaking, explaining how this film’s taste, artistry and culture belie his hockey-stick-toting, mapleloving roots.

Other than the fact that 90% of Gen Z viewers ended up paying twenty quid and risking COVID to see Zendaya on screen for… Erm… 5 minutes(?), the other 10% were almost certainly thrilled when they found themselves staring at large metal squids, old women in black robes and sand (lots of sand) and Timothee Chalamet, though mostly the last part seeing how I’m referring to the 10% of men who like other men. No women were spotted in the audience (obviously) because Dune is essentially the average incel’s ultimate future; women’s procreation schedules are dictated by the Bene Gesserit and marriages are arranged, so no need to ensnare them with your natural charm. Additionally, pretty much everyone in this film is a man, so that’s a plus, too.

No Way Home-

3.14159/10

This time Zendaya has no tube in her nose (see DUNE, above) but still fundamentally lacks any sort of onscreen presence whatsoever. It makes me wonder whether she actually did do a line of coke before that amazing scene in Euphoria where she tells everyone to go fuck themselves, seeing how utterly indifferent she otherwise always appears on screen.

Bully Maguire makes a return to the screen as Spidey after quite a long hiatus. Though my memories of emo Peter Parker from when he first hit cinema are very fond, it’s clear that even spending time alongside DiCaprio in Gatsby (2013) hasn’t taught Tobey Maguire how to act. Andrew Garfield is still hot, though, but is clearly experiencing a dire plummet in self-esteem seeing how he agreed to be in this CGI monstrosity for a lot less than Tom Holland, whose sole charm stems from the fact that he’s like four foot five and has a face that never ages.

Just tune in for the Garfield scenes. Apart from that, avoid.

No Time to Die- 1.618/10

Jesus. If I wanted to see Bond have a kid, I’d just douse a foetus in ethanol like they did in Brave New World and grow the thing in a test tube. Not to mention the fact that the child’s conception probably also included transfer of venereal disease, courtesy of Bond’s longstanding sex addition. Bonus points for (spoilers) blowing Daniel Craig up onscreen, which I’ve been hoping for since hearing his “American” accent in Knives Out the other year. There’s a pretty lit scene where he’s running aimlessly around in a mist-riddled forest, listening intently as he pinpoints the location of his assailants who, like in all Bond films, have the firing accuracy of a small child with a nail gun.

Rami Malek appeared on set and simply portrayed himself for the entire film, which was apparently cool with the producers, directors and everyone else involved seeing how he made the final cut of the film without adding an ounce of mystery, personality or depth to his villain, whose name I forgot about 3 minutes into the film. Even the screenwriter seemed to find him forgettable, because I’m pretty sure no one ever mentions him by name throughout this bloated, 3-hour send-off to Bond.

Literally everything about this film is awful except Ana de Armas, whose 15 minutes of screen time earns this film the 1.618 points it has.

Avatar (Re-release)- [REDACTED]/10

This film was rereleased theatrically in China, and they’re still pretty heavy on the censorship so convincing them to even let me do this review for a publication in the UK was a steep uphill battle. Nevertheless, seeing how there are supposedly 40 or so Avatar sequels in the works, it may be worth brushing up on your Avatar lore and dipping into the sweet nostalgia of a better time. You know, when your dad dragged you to watch blue people get shot at by an old man in an exoskeleton.

I’m offering up a lot of chat here, but in reality, Avatar was sick af when it first came out, and anyone who denies it is simply trying to ingratiate themselves with the “in” crowd, who watch Robert Pattinson masturbate to a mermaid scrimshaw and call it “art” (didn’t have time to review The Lighthouse but I doubt I ever will). This film deserved to be the highest grossing of all time, and even reclaimed the number one spot from that shitty Avengers film due to its rerelease in 2021.

The Batman- Riddle/10

Speaking of Edward Cullen, it seems that nothing can kill Robert Pattinson’s career, though to criticise him too harshly for Twilight seems harsh seeing how he was forced to act opposite Kristen Stewart, sleeping medication in human form, whose portrayal of Bella Swan would have been significantly enhanced had they replaced her with a cardboard cut-out for most scenes (no disrespect, she killed it in Adventureland).

Now, Robert Pattinson is done being killed by Death Eaters and fed up of taking off his shirt in forests. This time, he’s Bruce Wayne, giving us our second British Batman of the 21st Century, though to pretend that he even comes close to capturing Christian Bale’s original effortless charm and mystique would be kidding themselves (not to mention Bale’s HOTHOTHOT bod in all three instalments of the Nolan Dark Knight Trilogy). That said, R. Pats isn’t too bad a looker, and it’s entertaining to see the same actor who played Gollum have a stab at playing Alfred. Though, whenever he comes on screen, I find myself fighting the irresistible urge to watch Lord of the Rings instead, or, really, anything else.

Matrix: Resurrections- 00011/01010

“Woah.”

Caption Competition

Think you can do better than us?

You probably can!

Come to our next writers’ meeting on Monday 16th May in the BA room at 7pm or join the Travisty Messenger group by messaging any of the writers in this edition to be added. If they start talking about a membership fee tell them “Swiper, no swiping”.

Pizza, doughnuts, and various meats and treats provided: 100% NOT A SCAM

Like our Facebook page, or email us at travistytrinity@gmail.com to subscribe to our mailing list. Or just send us an article with no warning! We’ll take anything.

Every Week of Term, Ranked Best to Worst

Raymond is here to give you more numbers to deal with the current numbers of weeks

Number 9: Week 4

Week 5 gets all of the credit for pushing students to the brink, but really it’s Week 4- the nail-biting, stomach-churning, anxiety-written advent to Week 5- that has us all scrambling to bar to procrastinate, spend money on things we don’t need and sit at brunch for 3 hours instead of the socially acceptable 30 minutes hoping our dissertations will write themselves and that our supervisors will simply forget our existence. And who really does work on a Sunday, anyway?

Number 8: Week 2

By now, the realisation has sunk in that none of your ambitious resolutions for the term have panned outyes, you resolved to go to the UL every morning at 9 and study for 12 hours until close. Sure, you promised you’d do all supervision work the day it was set and colour code your binders. But Cambridge is like, hard, and by week 2 it really only takes the promise of a supervision later in the day to ruin you. Hopes up, though. We get a degree at the end (allegedly).

Number 7: Week 5

The worst part about Week 5 is the way everyone references it in emails. I swear to God- every Week 5, my inbox is crammed with newsletters from societies I don’t remember joining, and the TCSU members always make some crack about wEeK fIvE blUeS in the hope that it’ll distract us from the fact that none of us voted for them and we all resent them for being better liked by our peers than we are. That said, Week 5 is plenty terrible on its own. Every day is a deadline, essentially. All of your friends have disappeared. It’s usually around this time that you’ll find your entire friendship group has miraculously changed and you don’t speak to anyone you were tight with in Week 1.

Number 6: Week 1

The brimming excitement that accompanies the beginning of a new term. The promise, finally, of greatness. Of success. Sure: last term was the most academically disastrous eight weeks of your life, but none of that matters now. New lectures, new topics. Forget everything from last term- write it off and just ace the new material. It’ll be easy.

Number 5: Week 3

The adrenaline of term has finally counteracted the slump of Week 2. You’re finally back at the library. People actually ask you to hang out with them instead of the other way round. Your friends voluntarily suggest trips to the College Bar. John Summers is hosting dessert nights. Things aren’t perfect, but they’re not bad, either.

Number 4: Week 6

The term has peaked and we’re on the awkward come-down, like the morning after a party with Bret Easton Ellis in 1992 when you wake up in Century City despite starting the night in Pasadena. Indeed, Week 6 is much like an Ellis novel: chaotic, confused, and full of character. Even if you missed every deadline there was, it matters no longer. Things are almost over.

Number 3: Week 7

Nothing matters anymore. Literally. Nothing. Matters. You have goodwill from this term. Your work was on time. Just take a week off- separately make some excuse to all of your supervisors. Push everything back to Week 0 of next term. You can feel the hype, the buzz, of Week 8 just over the hill. Unless you’re a NatSci which means you’re probably stuck at the lab doing a presentation on lasers or something like I did last term. Everyone else is happy, however.

Number 2: Week 0

You’re goddamn right. No work, at least not yet. You can still spend all day reading and meticulously folding your socks, revelling in the fact that your room is freshly cleaned and the linen on your bed is finely pressed. Your room, an inviting chrysalis of warmth and ambition, from which you will burst forth at year’s end, topping class lists and making your mother proud. Just you wait. This term will be…

Number 1: Week 8

You may have met some people who claim to “love” Trinity and never want to leave. The clinical term for these people used to be “sociopaths” until 1968. Most of us are ecstatic at the promise of returning home, where you’ll smoke cigarettes at the poorly-lit transom of the local Wetherspoons, reminiscing on old times. You’ll make polite conversation with your family, drive aimlessly around in your car, desperately clutching onto what’s left of your fast evaporating feelings of youth and innocence. Make the most of it; after all, you’ll be back in six weeks.

Agony Aunt

Whether you’ve banged your knee or your sister, Ruby is here to help

Dear Agony Aunt, will Dunlevie get me a MiG-29?

Assuming Brucie dear does pay tax, he will certainly be contributing to Biden’s $33 billion in military aid to Ukraine, so it is quite possible he will be helping to buy one. If you want to personally own it, you will have to make sure all your supervision work is finished first.

Dear Agony Aunt, I’m thoroughly disappointed by the dick size of people in the library toilets. One of my favourite hobbies is to have a look at what the mathmos are packing when they leave the door open, but they’re just not doing it for me at the moment. How do I encourage some more suitable schlongs to be put on display?

If you want something, go get it. Time to organise a stress-relieving, post-exam orgy in the library toilets. The myriad of schlongs on show will surely reveal at least one suitable specimen. Alternatively, leave a model duck in the toilets. Hating ducks is small dick energy.

Dear Agony Aunt, I’m feeling homesick. Burrell’s is so far away from the main bit of Cambridge, and I feel so invisible. Whenever people walk past me, they either ignore me or point and laugh. I just want to be returned to the M&S trolley section where I belong. PSA to anyone who steals trolleys on a night out: trolleys have feelings too! If you aren’t going to invite your date in for a coffee, at least walk them home.

Dear Agony Aunt, I’m really struggling with work and stressed about exams, what can I do?

Have you considered dropping out?

Dear Agony Aunt, my friends are doing so much better at studying than I am, what can I do?

Have you considered taking them out? � � �

Dear Agony Aunt, my Russian housemate keeps threatening to invade my room, what can I do?

Have all your friends at other colleges put a Trinity flag up in their room.

Dear Agony Aunt, I have a crush on my bedder?

Write a love confession on your bedsheet in post-Thursday Lola’s chunder. Bedders love cleaning, and the extra challenge shows you’ll always make the relationship exciting!

Dear Agony Aunt, Why does everyone keep telling me it’s not okay for a welfare officer to kick ducks?

Because everyone knows swans and geese are the real threat to welfare. If you don’t aim to decapitate a swan with your oar every time you have a rowing outing, you’re part of the welfare problem. I don’t make the rules.

If you have other deep philosophical life questions, feel free to vent to travistytrinity@gmail.com. Your identity will be kept secret among us, and you might just get your question answered in the next issue of Travisty.

Recipe of the Week

Can I kick it? Yes you can!

Roast Duck

INGREDIENTS:

- A duck (quack)

- A foot (whack)

- The power of Cthulhu in all its maleficence

METHOD:

1. Find a duck. Hopefully it is minding its own business outside your room

2. Assume the specific heat capacity of a duck is the same as a rotisserie chicken

3. Kick the duck with a velocity of 3725.95 mph

4. Enjoy a succulent cooked duck. Add spices if necessary

Cocktail of the Week

Eoin putting the bartending book his girlfriend got him to good use

The Tripos Trauma shot

INGREDIENTS:

- Your birthday alcohol (instructions below)

- 2 sheets of A4 paper

- A suitable glass that you’ve washed in the last 2 weeks

- A biro to stir

METHOD:

1. In the alcohol aisle in Mainsburys’, start at the end by the bakery, and take the same number of steps down the aisle as the day of the month of your birthday. Then if your birthday is January-May, pick something on the bottom aisle, June-August, middle 3 aisles respectively, September-November, top aisle, and if your birthday is in December, you don’t deserve any love so stop making this drink now.

2. Look at your revision plan, cry, and pour some of the bottle into the glass. Look back at your revision, cry, and repeat this process until the whole bottle is empty. Stir with a biro because at this point all your spoons are dirty and you can’t bring yourself to clean them.

3. Blot your tears with the A4 paper you just used for your last past paper, and get back to work, exams are soon.

How to survive exam term

Eoin, who has done real Cambridge exams (admittedly only 2 of them, the most recent finishing last week, hence this Easter Edition of Travisty appearing well after you scoffed the last of your supply of Easter eggs), is here to tell you exactly what to do to achieve total victory

Exam term is extremely stressful. You’re angry that you didn’t study enough leading up to it, you can’t seem to remembering covering half your course, you probably have hay fever and to add insult to injury, you can’t even trample the grass in Great Court that’s making you sneeze. However, I do have number of tips that should help:

1. Establish a regular, sustainable sleeping pattern — make sure you get enough sleep!

2. Take regular breaks and go for walks to clear your mind and think about something other than the exams, such as the people who might do better than you in exams.

3. Drink lots of water, and contemplate how easy it would be to poison the water supply of those people. A few drops of prussic acid should do the trick. Hypothetically of course.

4. If you still have them, make sure to go to lectures so you can ask questions to your examiners. While you’re there, learn their movements and follow them home. Put yourself in the mind of the examiner to think about what questions they may ask. Get a knife and put it in the mind of the examiner.

5. Leave slow burning incendiary devices in parts of college accommodation where your enemies live the night before an exam so that a ~4am fire alarm goes off. Make sure they don’t sleep properly. Bonus points if you make sure they never sleep again.

6. On the day of the exam, make sure the printers are working and print off copies of photos of your examiners’ family members and their locations. Leave them in your exam script (and don’t forget to write in either blue or black ink and follow all the instructions on the exam sheet!). Hope that helps!

Raymond has collated all the info on exactly what Trinity students get up to each week

Cryptic crossword

Hatty has technically sent an unpublishable piece since none of us can solve cryptic crosswords and therefore ethics this piece, so we hope she hasn’t put in anything…troubling

ACROSS

1. Excavates and uncovers houses

5. Finally promoted lone man who owns Twitter.

7. Environmentally friendly and virtuous man, at the beginning is not released for whitsunday.

9. Villain is beheaded at a distance.

11. Return with haste, carrying the first dish

12. At first light, all biology students have classes.

14. Village pig killed with null shot.

16. In brief: California, the United States, has a Member of Parliament on University ground.

18. The emergence is reported from the dockingsite.

19. The sound of a sausage being flipped, wow!

21. Where a storm was blown out of proportion.

23. In short, picture, nice meal eaten on the grass.

24. Paradise found by moving back from 31 to here.

26. The devil always holds with vital force.

27. Hunt for white meat.

29. ‘Vineyard returned divine yields. For us, it was to die for.’

30. This oak holds the answer. (The Ash were out first)

31. A headless Saint's day goes sideways

DOWN

1.The figures cried aloud, “Take her out!”

2.Encourage spiking!

3.Drink potion containing a bottle of dark fluid.

4. It's ordinary when pressure and resistance are replaced by a million stone fragments.

5. The others are back late!

6. Napoleon briefly takes small siestas.

8. Teresa in a muddle over public holiday.

10. Spooner sounded a horn at Frederick for some baked dough.

13. Optimistic thinking launches after sadness.

15. Cyril mixed up the words in a song.

17. We go into the recorder to produce melody.

20. Two piece Island.

22. Change of hands in pandemic would be capital!

23. American writer gets a verbal glitch, ends up elegiac.

24. Ultimately, the big song creates urges.

25. Satan is old and Father Christmas a Saint.

27. Every other character, if bald, let disappear.

28. The moorland almost radiates warmth.

Wholesome Word search

If you can find all 15, Dylan will give you a hug and Agnijo will give you a punch

TCSUdoku

You can hear Scottish war drums in the base of your skull. It is time. Agnijo has come

Newton’s Curls: A Short Story

Raymond can hairly contain himself

I exhale deeply and feel my pulse accelerate as I stare down at the beautiful, silvery locket of hair beneath the glass cage. There is some palpable, sexual energy in the air. I am drawn towards it as if by some immense force of magnetism, something impossible to define. A woman, early sixties, smiles at me and offers me a pen. I realise suddenly that I have become completely and irreparably disconnected with my surroundings and briefly forget who I am or why am I here.

But the feeling quickly passes. The momentary confusion and voluptuous, passionate excitement I experienced but a moment before has now simply evaporated like some force- some gravity- has been lifted from my shoulders. I am wearing an atrocious blue academic gown and a suit from John Lewis which cost less than a hundred pounds. The lady before me is in fact, real, and asking me to sign my name in the matriculation book. I become vaguely aware that there are many people in the queue behind me waiting eagerly- almost frantic with excitement- to see the hair and the book beneath me. But I don’t let them- I subtly move my body to eclipse the line of sight towards the strands of Newton’s hair, excited by the power I have in this instant. I consider never leaving the line, never signing my name. Simply asking the lady before me if I can just take one small locket of Newton’s hair, or even just taste one, just one time. I am almost desperate now to caress the golden strands with my calloused fingers and feel the weight of them between my palms.

“Excuse me,” the lady before me announces. My reverie is shattered, and sound returns to the world. “Please sign your name here.”

But I do not want to. Here, in the Wren Library, there is but one thing I want. Nevertheless, I relent, realising additionally that my brow is now drenched in sweat brought on by the palpitations I had in the presence of Newton’s hair.

The pen nearly slips from my fingers. My mouth is watering. Just there, beneath what must be one, two centimetres of glass at the most, is, I now understand, the only thing I’ve ever wanted from life. I was drawn here, drawn to this place. Enchanted by the concrete busts of old, dead men. I am undergoing an awakening, a transformation, a metamorphosis. I sign my name, large, looping cursive. A drop of sweat falls from my nose onto the page and the ink runs as if the pen is a scalpel and I am bleeding the paper below me.

Without warning, I cry out, a visceral, animalistic cry, and overturn the display case with great ferocity. There are gasps as the glass smashes, and the lady who offered the pen physically recoils.

There, on the floor now, are the strands. The hairs. I have liberated them, liberated my true loves from their icy confinement. They are mine, now. I reach down to pick them up. They feel like silk on my skin.

I am sitting in the Head Porter’s office with old, rusty manacles around my wrists and legs. I am not sure how many people are in the room, because I am wearing a blindfold and I am deeply terrified. “Expulsion,” a deep voice says. “Drowning,” offers another. I wonder what they will do with me. They tried to take the hair, take it away from me. The world is cruel. I am in love with Newton’s hair.

[Editor’s note: Please don’t try this (this is the party line until June 29th, after which the University gives me my degree and has no hold over me anymore)]

Travisty Election

You thought Bongbong getting elected was bad? Just wait until you see our candidates

Travisty is an esteemed organisation going back tens of years, and nothing is more sacred than the ceremony of electing a new set of editors, the Delphic oracles (named more for their virginity than their literary skills) who will spend the next year prognosticating to the whole of Trinity.

I still remember the day I was elected. Arun asked on our group chat if anyone wanted to be the editor for Travisty next year. This group chat contained the last 2 editors, one soon-to-be graduate, and me. Obviously, it was a very difficult decision and close race. I accepted with great decorum (“lmao sure”).

Arun then elected himself Ethics Editor, after swearing to uphold the Travisty Constitution with his hand on a well-thumbed copy of American Psycho. Lidija Beric was made an editor in 2019 and has proved as immovable as the Dean’s opinion on alcohol ever since, contributing to Travisty usually through making a few smutty jokes at writers’ meetings, stealing a box of cupcakes and leaving to do an “essay”. Matthew Sargent, for me, embodies the spirit of Cinncinattus’ political virtue, not even knowing he was elected to this position of great power, and still probably does not, as he has only contributed one article this year.

Over this year, we four have been the cornerstones of college journalism, the pillars upon which truth can disseminate. Now is the time to decide who will carry on our legacy. Results to be posted in next edition!

Candidates for editorship Editorship role

Misha Medvedev President

Duties of role

Secure a budget, convince Poole to be Senior Treasurer again, buy food for writers’ meetings, make sure people write for Travisty, uphold the constitution, and overturn Row v. Wade.

Raymond Ramm Ethics Prevent any slander being hurled at people who read Travisty

Ruby SandersEnglish Editor-inchief Advise the President on how many shots to take in one go amongst other important issues

Francesca Gilks Magpie Editor Organise the Magpie and Stump event in Freshers’ Week and then do nothing for the rest of the year

Dylan Toh Editor Supreme Check for spelling mistakes in issues and eat many doughnuts

Lidija Beric Virgin Editor Do nothing

Arun Prabhakar Chad Editor Not a real role, but Arun can use this to convince Tutorial Office to let him stay on next year

Go to a poll on Misha’s rotisserie chicken website, meatspin.com or shout “biscuits” at Eoin for his support, and “cupcakes” to vote against him.

Tell Eoin “the tea in Nepal is very hot” for yes or “beans” for no.

Tell Eoin “but the coffee in Peru is much hotter” for yes or “on toast” for no

Tell Matthew Sargent/Gabriel Osborne you want her to be the new Magpie and Stump person

Σ π

2.718a dt and tell Eoin that it was delicious

Read this article

Change your profile pic to Buzz Lightyear in a purple suit

How to vote (to stop the steal, no postal votes are accepted)

Credit: Raymond

The Travisty Iceberg Explained

Misha reveals all the jokes you either know too well or…well, to be honest, you’ve probably never noticed in amongst all the random stuff we talk about

No, this isn’t a worn-out meme… look do you want to learn about all niche things Travisty or not? For those who don’t know what an iceberg is, it’s a floating mass of solid dihydrogen oxide. Commonly found on wannabe video essay YT channels, the topic of discussion gets more obscure as we descend. But before we begin, a word from our sponsor: no-one.

The Tip of the Iceberg

Travisty: Trinity + Varsity, who’d’ve thunk? You’re truly a genius for figuring this one out. Hey, at least we are honest… you know it’s going to be a mess by the name.

Ethics: This paper is known as a bastion of fine morals, without Arun (ethics be upon him) this would nothing more than a scandalous pamphlet down there with the Porters’ Log and Tit Haller.

Scraping the surface

Kerem: Travisty’s favourite celebrity. Popular among introverts for locking down half the college. Please see the other issues for juicy reports on this divisive character.

Kreme: Not to be confused with the above. This delectable, sugar-coated foodstuff is consumed en masse at writers’ meetings. The indulgence is so great, that we can safely claim full responsibility for Krispy’s stock climbing 50% in Michaelmas. This should already be sufficient reason for you to join us?

The Body of the Berg

The Great Court Sniper: She lurks in the clocktower, picking off all who violate the precious lawns. College said your mate is intermitting? Hate to break it to you. It is said that during fresher’s week, the faint glow of an over-heating barrel can be seen just above the 1 o’clock mark.

B*mbos: This writer is of the belief that this print has maintained a fine standard of free speech. However, there is one line we do not dare cross: the B-word that shall not be named, not since the great library scandal of 2021.

The Frozen Underbelly

Issue #26 (or #91 if you count old-school like a Chad): The lost issue! What does it contain? What college secrets does it uncover? What’s in the Wolfson Party room? How did the Mallard nest in the Hall’s rafters? We may perhaps never know…

Deloitte: You might not believe it, but in ye olde prehistoric times, we had a sponsor. With prizes of iPod calibre instead of fudge, who knows why they left us, it’s not like the standards of this paper have ever slipped

The Depths

Magpie & Stump Constitution: Travisty was originally formed by members of M&S, the college’s oldest society. As such, their eternal president ‘His Majesty the Bird’ has maintained that M&S have the constitutional right to choose the head of our fine paper. Which is a lot of smack coming from someone who died over 120 years ago.

Wine of Death: On a lighter note, this refers to the attempted assassination of our editors by means of a spiked wine bottle. The consequence of which was Eoin hibernating after entering a rabid state. Oh, and now Dean Windle reads the paper to assure it wasn’t a revenge attack… hi Alan!

Floreat Pica: It’s there on every page – ubiquitous and omnipresent. This Latin incantation translates to ‘Let the Magpie Bloom’. Other potential meanings omitted.

Exam horoscopes

From the Universe’s butt to your face. Leo “Leo” Versteegen reveals all

Aries:

I foresee great fear in your future. As the exams creep closer, those nagging questions start to surface again. Am I really right in Cambridge? Everyone else is so smart – they’ll realise any day now that I’m not good enough. Maybe the admissions committee has made a mistake? Thoughts like these are typical for people suffering from impostor syndrome, but in your case, there was genuinely a clerical error. And who can blame the committee for that? They handle thousands of applications each year, and your name is almost as generic as your personality.

Taurus: Cassiopeia is retracting its head while passing through Taurus which, let me be honest, is a really bad sign. Like, super-bad. Luckily, it doesn’t matter because if you have followed my investment tips so far, you should be rich enough to not care about your degree anymore.

Gemini: High above the world, hundreds of millions of kilometres away, Sozin’s comet passes right between the Gemini. I predict that you will waste your revision time watching cartoons.

Cancer:

You will do really, really well. Because in contrast to Aries, you actually have what it takes to succeed in Cambridge. A strong brain, a strong liver and an even stronger sense of entitlement.

Leo: Jupiter is eclipsing your sign this month, like the absolute chad

that he is. I believe this means that the topic of “power” will come up in your exam. Since I don’t have any way of knowing what your subject is, I have assembled a few factoids from different disciplines to do with power which you may or may not find helpful. The SI unit for Power is (fat) watts. Napoleon rose to power in 1799. The mitochondrion is the powerhouse of the cell. “Staying Power” is the only Queen song with a horn section. If you take e to the power of pi and subtract pi, you get almost exactly 20. The German word for political power is “Macht”. Godspeed!

Virgo:

I see Minerva and Asclepius holding your formation firmly in their hands. This means either that you will do well in your medicine exams or that you will become addicted to Adderall. How exciting!

Libra:

You are in your middle-school classroom and there is vocabulary test. You are in a panic because you didn’t study and as if it wasn’t bad enough already, you notice that you have peed your pants! Then you wake up in the examination room – it was just a bad dream. You don’t have to do vocabulary tests anymore, instead you failed to study for your tripos exams. Also, there is no chance you could have actually peed your pants because you are not wearing any.

Scorpio:

I was advised that the previous joke about vocabulary tests might be unrelatable for anglo-saxons

whose education system couldn’t be bothered to equip them with knowledge about a second language. If this applies to you, just replace vocabulary test with a quiz in whatever whacky subjects you were tested on. Presumably, “Firearms 101”, “How to lose penalty shootouts”, or something similar.

Sagittarius:

You might be wondering whether I have given up on keeping any resemblance to actual horoscopes. Does this answer your question? �

Capricornus:

Ceres is in your ascendent this cycle, pointing to an important part of exam preparation. You need to bring the right food. The intake of glucose at a high frequency will maintain peak brain function and your will to live during the exam. Another strategy for exams with curved grading is to fill up on yoghurt with beans and tuna to let your unbearable flatulence skew the mean for you.

Aquarius:

Your future is obscured by the Orion Nebula. Impossible to tell, whether you shall tumble or triumph, succeed or succumb. For this most mystical of mysteries however, we have to ask: does it really matter? It’s not like a degree in art history will get you far anyway.

Pisces:

This is just a little prompt for my homies doing complex analysis. The contour integrals in the second exam will evaluate to 8 , 0 and 2/log(2).