Film Reviews for Cynical, Heartbroken, Bisexual Men

Raymond is free Thursdays and Sundays and enjoys long walks if anyone is interested

Dune- 7.767/10

Denis Villeneuve is Canadian, so not only would you expect his film adaptations to be tasteless, you’d also expect any and all nuance of the source material to soar comfortably above his head. However, he’s French-speaking, explaining how this film’s taste, artistry and culture belie his hockey-stick-toting, mapleloving roots.

Other than the fact that 90% of Gen Z viewers ended up paying twenty quid and risking COVID to see Zendaya on screen for… Erm… 5 minutes(?), the other 10% were almost certainly thrilled when they found themselves staring at large metal squids, old women in black robes and sand (lots of sand) and Timothee Chalamet, though mostly the last part seeing how I’m referring to the 10% of men who like other men. No women were spotted in the audience (obviously) because Dune is essentially the average incel’s ultimate future; women’s procreation schedules are dictated by the Bene Gesserit and marriages are arranged, so no need to ensnare them with your natural charm. Additionally, pretty much everyone in this film is a man, so that’s a plus, too.

No Way Home-

3.14159/10

This time Zendaya has no tube in her nose (see DUNE, above) but still fundamentally lacks any sort of onscreen presence whatsoever. It makes me wonder whether she actually did do a line of coke before that amazing scene in Euphoria where she tells everyone to go fuck themselves, seeing how utterly indifferent she otherwise always appears on screen.

Bully Maguire makes a return to the screen as Spidey after quite a long hiatus. Though my memories of emo Peter Parker from when he first hit cinema are very fond, it’s clear that even spending time alongside DiCaprio in Gatsby (2013) hasn’t taught Tobey Maguire how to act. Andrew Garfield is still hot, though, but is clearly experiencing a dire plummet in self-esteem seeing how he agreed to be in this CGI monstrosity for a lot less than Tom Holland, whose sole charm stems from the fact that he’s like four foot five and has a face that never ages.

Just tune in for the Garfield scenes. Apart from that, avoid.

No Time to Die- 1.618/10

Jesus. If I wanted to see Bond have a kid, I’d just douse a foetus in ethanol like they did in Brave New World and grow the thing in a test tube. Not to mention the fact that the child’s conception probably also included transfer of venereal disease, courtesy of Bond’s longstanding sex addition. Bonus points for (spoilers) blowing Daniel Craig up onscreen, which I’ve been hoping for since hearing his “American” accent in Knives Out the other year. There’s a pretty lit scene where he’s running aimlessly around in a mist-riddled forest, listening intently as he pinpoints the location of his assailants who, like in all Bond films, have the firing accuracy of a small child with a nail gun.

Rami Malek appeared on set and simply portrayed himself for the entire film, which was apparently cool with the producers, directors and everyone else involved seeing how he made the final cut of the film without adding an ounce of mystery, personality or depth to his villain, whose name I forgot about 3 minutes into the film. Even the screenwriter seemed to find him forgettable, because I’m pretty sure no one ever mentions him by name throughout this bloated, 3-hour send-off to Bond.

Literally everything about this film is awful except Ana de Armas, whose 15 minutes of screen time earns this film the 1.618 points it has.

Avatar (Re-release)- [REDACTED]/10

This film was rereleased theatrically in China, and they’re still pretty heavy on the censorship so convincing them to even let me do this review for a publication in the UK was a steep uphill battle. Nevertheless, seeing how there are supposedly 40 or so Avatar sequels in the works, it may be worth brushing up on your Avatar lore and dipping into the sweet nostalgia of a better time. You know, when your dad dragged you to watch blue people get shot at by an old man in an exoskeleton.

I’m offering up a lot of chat here, but in reality, Avatar was sick af when it first came out, and anyone who denies it is simply trying to ingratiate themselves with the “in” crowd, who watch Robert Pattinson masturbate to a mermaid scrimshaw and call it “art” (didn’t have time to review The Lighthouse but I doubt I ever will). This film deserved to be the highest grossing of all time, and even reclaimed the number one spot from that shitty Avengers film due to its rerelease in 2021.

The Batman- Riddle/10

Speaking of Edward Cullen, it seems that nothing can kill Robert Pattinson’s career, though to criticise him too harshly for Twilight seems harsh seeing how he was forced to act opposite Kristen Stewart, sleeping medication in human form, whose portrayal of Bella Swan would have been significantly enhanced had they replaced her with a cardboard cut-out for most scenes (no disrespect, she killed it in Adventureland).

Now, Robert Pattinson is done being killed by Death Eaters and fed up of taking off his shirt in forests. This time, he’s Bruce Wayne, giving us our second British Batman of the 21st Century, though to pretend that he even comes close to capturing Christian Bale’s original effortless charm and mystique would be kidding themselves (not to mention Bale’s HOTHOTHOT bod in all three instalments of the Nolan Dark Knight Trilogy). That said, R. Pats isn’t too bad a looker, and it’s entertaining to see the same actor who played Gollum have a stab at playing Alfred. Though, whenever he comes on screen, I find myself fighting the irresistible urge to watch Lord of the Rings instead, or, really, anything else.

Matrix: Resurrections- 00011/01010

“Woah.”