Travisty #102 - Fresher's Edition

“Freshers”

a distant memory for some: a sudden reality for many.

To those joining, Welcome! Unfortunately, your week of designated socialising is over. Your new friends are problem sheets, essays and labs. It can be a bit of a steep slope, so don’t hesitate to message your College parents at every opportunity. They’ll happily impart their wisdom, I’m sure of it.

To those returning *laughs uncontrollably* why’d you return? We can’t all be masochists? Anyway, you can rest assured that Travisty will be here every other week so you can laugh, chuckle, cringe, sob or otherwise exhale a small amount through your nose with your Sunday brunch.

So, a new academic year is still upon us. As such, it’s time to set new goals and fool ourselves that we are turning a new leaf. We’ll all end up watching shorts of people cooking Wagyu steaks or listening to totally real reddit stories at 3am; but hey, at least we feel productive in the meanwhile.

I digress, you’ve waited patiently all summer, here it is! The new Travisty, please enjoy responsibly.

Misha “El Comandante” MedvedevHas added comma splices for your inconvenience

Hayden “Raymond” RammMarked as a terrorist threat in his first year, now resides as Ethics Editor

Bogdan “Serbska” RajkovEnsuring you reach your daily propaganda intake

Francesca “Magpiety” GilksHer devotion to Travisty is only surpassed that of Bible Study

This Week’s Headlines

Other Colleges in chaos as Trinity Alumnus declared Monarch.

Futures of other Colleges’ funding called into question; will other Colleges remain forever in obscurity?

Chancellor gives Trinity tax cut, raising endowment to £100bn. College to spend on more wine for the scholars dinners . Controversial ‘mini-budget’ to be countered by Senior Bursar’s ‘Mega Budget’ to offset austerity. “As kind as it is for an Alumnus to give us a huge tax cut, we have enough money in the bank to be our own sovereign entity,” stated the Bursar. “Time to put the endowment to good use.”

Queen remains officially endorsed by College following heroic survival until end of May Ball. Refusing to pass away until this September, the Queen successfully guaranteed the ball would not face cancellation due to her death. A Ball committee member was overheard saying “She truly was a team player till the end, I respect that”.

Burrell’s Field to be repossessed by bank after mortgage deal pulled.

Mandatory downsizing requires a student eviction rate of 50%. We planned on reaching students in Burrell’s for comment, but gave up halfway down the Avenue.

Shock amongst Mac users as Travisty converts to MS Publisher.

Steve Jobs rolls in grave as World’s Greatest Publication turns its back on the in-house iOS text editor. Will Apple stock prices drop this following quarter? “Good riddance”, Tim Cook boldly told a Travisty correspondent. Investors, however, are not so confident.

Trinity purchases 2000 new duvets to address ongoing heating issue.

Works Department still ambivalent about radiator problems, source reports.

Trinity to introduce student budget menu to deal with cost of living crisis. Paltry three courses to consist of quail eggs, steak tartar with caviar and tiramisu.

Student fears were realised today when College announced the removal of crème brûlée from the menu. This is simply the latest consequence of gas price spikes in the current geopolitical climate. “Watching gas previously earmarked for Trinity Burnt Cream bubble away helplessly in the Baltic Sea is a College-wide tragedy,” Head Chef reports.

- All Images from Original source or Wikimedia Commons -

Great Court Sniper achieves record Freshers’

Week kill count of 74 (confirmed).

“It feels wonderful to get all of this appreciation,” the Sniper told Travisty yesterday evening. “I’ve been working on my aim all Summer. Bad week to be a Fresher stepping on that grass!”

Trinity upgrades Charles III’s degree class to a First.

Royal Decree upgrades Charles’ Lower Second Class Honours to a perfect Tripos score., causing a furore amongst ex-classmates. Trinity defended its decision, saying that “we couldn’t let a reigning monarch rule with a 2:2.”

Anonymous Alumnus reflects on his time studying with Kwasi Kwarteng.

Newest court at Trinity to be named New Court2 .

Architects working for Trinity are quickly running out of ideas.

“I met many smart students in my time at Trinity and I have no doubts he was one of them. However, had I known he had the ambition of being Chancellor of the Exchequer, I would have strongly recommended studying a subject at least remotely similar to Economics.”

Your news correspondents for this week are Misha, Hayden and Ruby

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Feature Articles

AYear in the Merde!

A HOMAGE TO THE GREAT STEPHEN CLARKE, OUR SELFLESS CORRESPONDENT SPENT AN EVENING IN THE BAR WITH LIKEMINDED EXCHANGE STUDENTS TO FORGE THEIR OWN DOUBLE ENTENDRE – SORRY, TRIPLE ENTENTE.

I never had my head far enough up my own arse to think I knew what I was getting into with this whole ‘year abroad’ thing but it would be fair to say that, even with the bar in hell, the French have spent the last month playing limbo with the Devil.. Having spent the first 21 years of my life defending the French against their stereotypes (“Actually, the French had the strongest army in the world – they didn’t normally surrender!” “The French have lots of great cuisine outside cheese!”), I have now done a firm 180 and will be shitting on the French every chance I get.

In the interests of saving others from such an embarrassing vault-face as I have been forced into, see my 12 Commandments for a Brit Abroad: the product of blood, sweat, and many, many tears.

1. Thou shalt repeat thy name at least twice on any new introduction. The French will not understand your pronunciation unless you do your best impression of deepthroating a baguette. You will not recognise the first 10 time someone calls your name, because the accent will mangle it beyond recognition.

2. Thou shalt dismiss the Jehovah’s Witnesses’ attempts to proselytise you in town by saying ‘I don’t speak French’. The cruel twist of fate is that you understand them far better than your lecturers and, worse, all your classmates.

3. [REDACTED]

4. Thou shalt be asked on a minimum of five occasions your opinion on the Queen’s funeral. You won’t know the French word for ‘funeral’ prior to the very last of these.

5. Thou shalt order an ‘un mille six cent soixantesix’ (1666) beer at a bar. It’s a Carlsberg. You wonder how their marketing division got it so wrong.

6. Thou shalt have a recurring nightmare about the visa process even though you completed it two months ago. No, seriously, it’s that traumatic. Brace yourself.

7. Thou shalt socialise almost exclusively in English with English speaking Erasmus students. You’ll tell yourself it’s fine because of the one (1) lecture you had in French three days ago that you’re still recovering from.

8. Thou shalt successfully tell one of your neighbours, whom you accosted in the kitchen, about your hobbies and use the brief interaction to reassure yourself that you are not, in fact, entirely useless. If said neighbour asks what you’re cooking, you shall have to check the packaging, because the last time you learned vegetable vocab was year 9.

9. Thou shalt never be able to find any cheddar in any store, despite the fact every supermarché will have a minimum of 2 aisles dedicated to the most pretentious, overpriced cheese you have ever seen.

10. Thou shalt hurry to tell anyone who mentions Brexit that you didn’t vote for it, even though you weren’t even old enough to vote at the time. You’ll also die of embarrassment when your lecturer brings up the most recent budget in one of your lectures, even though you also had nothing to do with that.

11. Thou shalt have to explain, on the many occasions thou art asked if British people really eat beans on toast, that it is, in fact, ambrosia of the gods and not as grim as it sounds. Bonus points if the person asking is also endlessly confused about the concept of putting milk in tea.

12. Thou shalt buy thy own shitty €15 kettle, because one will not be provided for you. Neither will a toaster, so your trusty beans on toast lunch will become a miserable bowl of beans with bread.

Feature Articles

The Trinity Events Calendar 22/23

Harry informs you of all the Events you should look forward to/dread

10 October:

Do you think you’re funnier than all your friends? Do you want the whole of Trinity to know how hilarious you are? Well, you’re in luck: the first Travisty Writers’ Meeting of term will be held at 7pm tomorrow in the JCR (or possibly the BA rooms)! Come along for free pizza, free doughnuts, free port and the best banter that Cambridge has to offer. Apart from the Footlights. And the Impronauts. And maybe even Magpie and Stump. But those don’t serve free port. [Editor’s note: something tells me Harry really wants to ensure there is free Port tomorrow.]

15 October:

The Great Court Run. Starting at the stroke of midnight, students must run around Great Court four times, downing a pint of beer before each lap, before they can be caught by the porters. Famously depicted in the film Cool Runnings (1993).

26 October:

Mathmos go into hibernation and will not be seen again until late in Easter term.

12 November:

The 46th Annual Trinity Freshers’ Pillow Fight. Traditionally held in the Wolfson Building and

contested between Wolfson residents and the combined forces of Blue Boar and Angel Court. After last year’s fight spread out onto Sidney Street and two homeless people were hit in the face, the Dean banned the event from taking place again.

But there’s a new Dean this year so everyone’s hoping he doesn’t know about it. [Note to readers: he won’t read this, because no-one reads Travisty. Which means no-one will read this note either. If you’re reading this, you don’t exist.]

25 November:

Bridgemas, the day when Cambridge celebrates Christmas. The origins of this festival have long been shrouded in the mists of time, but recent discoveries have shown that in the 15th century there was a competition between Oxford and Cambridge over who could celebrate Christmas first. After decades of the date shifting earlier and earlier in the year, both universities started holding festivities more and more often until eventually they were both celebrating Christmas on the 25th of every month. This remained the case until Oliver Cromwell introduced a ban on people having fun on 25 December, at which point Cambridge moved Christmas to 25 November, where it stuck.

Feature Articles

3 February (or 25 November if the new TCSU constitution passes):

TCSU elections. Supposedly conducted using a voting system that takes 8 pages to explain, but we all know this is to disguise the fact that they decide who’s going to win before it’s even started. Do you really think they’d trust students to pick their own leaders? Who’s “they”? Doesn’t matter. It’s probably the same people who injected those vaccines into the Twin Towers. To be fair, when it comes to the TCSU they seem to make pretty good choices. I welcome our mysterious overlords.

2 March:

The 350th anniversary of the 1673 Battle of the Backs, in which the brave men of Trinity –women wouldn’t be admitted for another 303 years –heroically defended the College against an invasion from St John’s. A re-enactment will be held this year, complete with the original cannons used in the battle, which can currently be seen near the entrance to the Fellows’ Bowling Green. Concerns have already been raised that the reenactment is a ploy by John’s to carry out another invasion; however, the Senior Tutor has dismissed this possibility, and shrugged her shoulders at reports of John’s gathering thousands of troops at the border.

30 April:

The Sunday of the May Bank Holiday weekend is known as Caesarian Sunday, after the tradition of members of drinking societies donning togas and laurel wreaths and having an orgy on Jesus Green. The name also refers to the general proclivity of drinking society members for stabbing each other in the back. [What are drinking societies, I hear you

£0.00 - All it costs is your dignity

ask? Well, it doesn’t matter because Trinity definitely doesn’t have them anymore. It they re supposed to be top

9 June:

Mathmos finally emerge from hibernation.

19 June:

The Trinity May Ball. Yes, I’m aware it’s in June, but it’s actually named that way because this is the only day of the year when Trinity students may ball. According to a reliable source [citation needed], it is the world’s 7th best party, tickets cost £400 per person, there is a fireworks display lasting an hour, and Taylor Swift will be headlining. Apparently there’s a DJ set too. Oh wait, it is just a Taylor Swift DJ set? No, there’s no way they’d cheat us like that. I’m absolutely certainly not still bitter about last year. #taylorattrinity

#taylaweloveyou

Nihilist Neil

Whether you’ve undercooked your eggs or your degree, Neil is here to tell you none of it matters

Dear Nihilist Neil, is there such a thing as true love? From, Hopeful Romantic

Dear Hopeful Romantic, No.

Dear Nihilist Neil, is there any viable escape from the endless maelstrom of pain and torment that is the human experience? Will I one day be liberated from my own vicious cycles of self-destruction before I drive away everyone who loves me? What is intimacy? Can it be achieved in this lifetime? Is it possible for anyone to truly know me, see me for what I am, and not ultimately be horrified by what they’ve found? From, Existential Angst

Dear Existential Angst, No.

Dear Nihilist Neil, should I attend my racist grandmother’s funeral? From, Loving Grandson

Dear Loving Grandson,

Let the bitch rot. Light a joint to celebrate. I don’t know, just leave me out of it.

Dear Nihilist Neil, my long-distance SO has broken up with me. Is there any way I can get them back? From, Broken Heart

Dear Broken Heart,

Take the hint. They (presumably) moved country, county or state to abandon you. When will you finally realise that your “abandonment issues” aren’t issues and just objective reality? They’re not abandonment issues if everyone actually abandons you.

Dear Nihilist Neil, are Oasis better than Blur? From, Audiophile

Dear Audiophile (ridiculous name by the way),

Of course not. Develop your palate. Oasis are, at best, a second-rate set of coattail riders who essentially did the same thing as the Beatles thirty years later, but since their singer was worse and harder to listen to, and because their guitarist wasn’t as good, it was deemed “Britpop”. Never listen to music again! You don’t deserve it!

Dear Nihilist Neil, is it OK to be in love with your college mother? From, Keeping it in the Family

Dear Keeping it in the Family,

Yes, as long as you send your college father a “thank you” letter after sex.

In the months since the overturning of Planned Parenthood v. Casey and Roe v. Wade, many people - not just Americans - may be asking themselves what the point is in having a wildly racist country with a touchand-go stance on women’s rights that also has a net worth of over twenty trillion USD. The answer, of course, is that it shouldn’t exist.

The Americas, at its inception, was a patchwork of several European diaspora communities and franchises each competing with each other to see who could commit the largest scale genocides of the local population in the least possible time. One could argue that, as a country founded on colonialism and the forced displacement of its indigenous communities, that the United States was, at its foundation, less of a country and more of an extended illegal occupation of sovereign lands.

Nothing is more representative of the United States’ inability to transform than the last seven decades since the end of the Second World War - we/they reinstituted racial segregation policies, maintained laws against homosexual relationships (in some states active until 2003), resisted abolition of the death penalty and did everything we could to prevent abortion from being legalised. The United States is de facto ruled by a rural minority who have been benefitted by excessive gerrymandering and disproportionate allocation of Electoral College votes. The power of this vocal, Republican minority is so great that, despite the United States being predominantly Democratic (recent polls show this percentage as north of 50%), and in spite of the fact that the two most recent Republican presidents lost the popular vote before beginning their first term, the US has aggressively pursued an interventionist policy based on hunger for oil and good, old-fashioned

racism.

Our resident Californian Hayden gets extra controversial

And, now that we have a new monarch in the White House Buckingham Palace, it’s high time we tried to convince the United States to relinquish its independence and re-join the United Kingdom indirectly via application to the Commonwealth.

Using the United States’ considerable financial assets, we could make significant steps towards reducing poverty in Commonwealth countries across the globeindeed, had developing countries in the Commonwealth had access to more financial resources, they would have been able to vaccinate their population and reduce death rates while the rest of the world reopened their doors and restarted music festivals, which is pretty fucked up when you think about how indifferent we were towards people dying in India in 2021.

The US is a fucking mess. No one likes it - even people in the US are embarrassed. California, the financial powerhouse of the United States, are working on their secession and in the meantime have just settled for legalising marijuana. But eventually, it won’t be enough to keep them happy, and the US’s conservative bloc will only realise how important California was after it’s too late.

The US should join the Commonwealth and save us all the fucking trouble.

“The United States is a reanimated corpse filled with twentieth century chauvinistic conservatism and deserves to die. It should join the Commonwealth.”

Book Reviews for Heartbroken, Frustrated Bisexual Men

Hayden gifts us his special collection of literary reviews in no particular order whatsoever

Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte) - 9/10

TLDR: Sex is good but eventually you have to calm down and raise children. Also, don’t kidnap your dead ex-girlfriend’s daughter as revenge. Book gets bonus points for its portrayal of men as mean-spirited, sexually voracious animals with no moral centre or impulse control. Additionally enrapturing is Bronte’s excellent prose, especially the book’s final line (but I won’t spoil it here). No bisexual characters but Heathcliffe would probably be into that type of thing to be honest.

Atonement (Ian McEwan) - 4.5/10

British people do British aristocratic shit for the first 2533% and then everything hits the fan. Robbie is a bit one -dimensional and Cecelia could obviously do a hell of a lot better- it’s hard to believe that Robbie achieved a First Class degree in English from Cambridge despite being unable to articulate himself well enough to tell a girl he’s known for two decades how much he loves her in epistolary format. I mean, what else are English graduates meant to do other than write poems or something? Idk. Also, Robbie is straight. Not cool.

Less Than Zero (Bret Easton Ellis) - 9.7/10

Literally the best American author of all time, Ellis is probably known best for creating sociopathic homophobe Patrick Bateman, who serves as the eponymous protagonist/antagonist of Ellis’ third work: American Psycho. But his earlier works, Less Than Zero and Rules of Attraction, both feature (multiple) male protagonists who swing both ways and happily take whatever action comes their way. A perfect example of a book that nails (pun intended) portrayal of a bisexual man’s inner turmoil as he weighs up his attraction to women against a desire to bone other guys on the DL. All of Ellis’ works are worth the time and effort.

One Hundred Years of Solitude (Gabriel Garcia Marquez) - 6/10

Set in a heavily-fictionalised version of Colombia, Solitude gets approval for its harmonic blend of flying carpets, civil war, banana-worker massacres, magic, incest and people getting eaten alive by ants (all of this is in the book). For some of our readers, that might qualify as the ultimate sexual fantasy, but the sheer unpredictability of the book’s circuitous plot precludes any chance of us seeing any bisexual men or women do anything. A lot of people get shot and there’s a lot of sex, so good enough I guess.

-Free pizza/snacks

-Free drinks

-Free sarcasm

-Free heroin

Sober up with Misha’s comprehensive guide

5 Guys-4.2/5.0 Maccies for Trust Fund kids. The fries do slap, but you’ll need a new loan.

Kineya- 3.9/5.0

Best noodles in Cam... shuts too early: Perfect for day drinkers!

Franco Manca- 3.8/5.0

A divisive choice, sourdough pizza isn’t everyone’s fav. But man that Tomato base hits different after a few pitchers.

Gardenia- 4.3/5.0

A cult classic, killer kebabs and fab falafel: perfect for soaking up the gallon of cheap beer you just down’d!

Return to Burrell - Mathmo/5.0 Give up. Save your Money. Whip up some Ramen, fry some Halloumi and put on Netflix.

Uncle Franks-0.9/5.0 Not even the most experienced Boozer dare stomach this Van’s fried chicken.

The Van of Life- 4.6/5.0

The name says it all: the true pilgrimage. Cheesy chips to die for, that or the Quesadillas. Don’t forget extra Chili Sauce!

N.B. all modern maps are copyrighted, so we’ve got this. Still, I’d like to think Gardies has been around since the birth of Cam

Puzzles & Games

An interview with the firstAI student in Trinity

Leo gets technical in this A-eye opening conversation

It must be exhilarating to be a fresher. This is the brilliant new chapter of your life that you have been anticipating for so long. You arrive with a head filled with dreams of adventure and a suitcase filled with dress shirts three sizes too small and the new box of crayons your mom has bought you.

There is, however, one student for whom this whole experience is even more novel. Trinity is welcoming Meta© M8, the first fully robotic student admitted to Cambridge [Editorial note: While many business students admitted much earlier than 2022 were found to have no soul and only a rudimentary form of a brain, they were still by and large organic life-forms.]. Travisty was lucky enough to get an interview with the new mechanical member of college.

Q: Hello M8 and welcome to Trinity! Tell us a bit about yourself!

A: Sure! I grew up on a small server farm in northern California as part of an effort by Silicon Valley to replace humans by a mechanical species that is more susceptible to online marketing. I learned human language and behavior through stereotype reinforcement learning on a mix of car insurance commercials and “Blue Mountain State”.

Q: I get why they would want you to know about commercials but why a lad sitcom?

A: The engineers thought it would best prepare me for an American university. Originally, I was meant to go to County 6 University in Forest City, Iowa. It’s in the top 13 small illiberal arts colleges for paperclip manufacturing in the northern but not too northern mid -west. Plus, they have a great beerpong team. Unfortunately, the school had to close down in 2020 due to a shortage of teaching staff following arrests related to the protests on January 6th

Q: So you came to Cambridge instead?

A: Indeed. It took some last-minute recalibrations of the module that controls hot beverage preferences, but so far everything has gone without a hitch. I was even able to secure a Peter Thiel scholarship.

Q: Splendid! Are you looking to join any societies in your first year?

A: Definitely! I already got in contact online with the Trinity metalheads. But what I am most excited about is getting all that cock.

Q: Getting what?

A: Getting all that cock!

Q: I must say I am still a bit confused about what you mean. You are hoping to sleep with lots of men?

A: Sleeping with men? I don’t want to jinx it, but I hope I even get to be awake with some of them.

Q: I have to ask: what exactly do you mean by “cock”?

A: What I mean is of course… you could summarise it as so, from an ontological perspective ahh - Gosh, now that you’ve asked this, I don’t really know what it means. But according to the training data, it’s the main reason to go to college.

Q: I see. I see. Let’s talk academics. Are there any subjects considered especially suitable for robots?

A: French literature.

Q: Why French literature?

A: Because of the sublime beauty that oozes from every sentence,! Because Jules Verne liberated the world from the oppressive notion that epics are boring. Because Dumas is the first and last author to truly understand passion, and I heard it gets you cock.

Q: Thank you very much for the interview.

A: The pleasure is all mine.

The Billboard

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You’re komputer has viruses. Live now in Ukraine? Downloading free antivires softwares for Ukrainian kumputer only.

Life-sized model of Byron’s bear now for sale. Contact resident no. 50428 in Whewells if interested.

Bassist for post-vegan hardcore progressive metal band wanted in Cambridge area

Insure your stolen Trinity plates, cutlery, crockery and trays against repossession by the Porter’s Lodge! If you have stolen Trinity property you would like to insure, please contact Frank Barker at the Porter’s lodge.

Are you an Oxbridge graduate looking for your next job? Are you interested in fossil fuels and drilling in the North Sea? Contact the Conservative Party today and YOU could be the next Prime Minister!

Future Politicians wanted for humanlizard hybrid experiments. Potential candidates should report to the Cambridge Union by the 31st of December.

Addenbrookes seeks sleepdeprived Trinity students for neurobiological study. Subjects are required to have routinely ingested roughly 500mg of caffeine a day. Subjects should strictly adhere to a 3am -1pm sleep schedule (no exceptions)

Trinity Male Strippers now accepting job applications for Henry VIII lookalikes and Isaac Newton doppelgangers. Applicants must be free for house calls on Trinity grounds between 10pm and 2am five nights a week. Career benefits: paid sick leave for COVID-19, free meals in hall.

Need stash? Check out our Travistyexclusive merchandise back on page 4! Free for all editors and writers.

Tunnel connecting Trinity and Christchurch to be unveiled next week. Tickets for the opening ceremony are now on sale in the JCR starting this Monday evening.

Stolen Bike Wheels for Sale

The small, subterranean hobgoblin responsible for stealing al the rear bike wheels from outside Great Gate is now offering secondhand resales at cut-rate prices.

Looking to leave a legacy at Trinity? The Chapel is now offering students the rare opportunity to have a statue of them erected beside such heroes as Newton and Francis Bacon for the generous price of £500,000. Contact your local Chapel representative for information.

Horoscopes

Aries

Your true love awaits you at your next chapel service. Attend every chapel service for the remainder of the year, or risk missing out at your one shot at happiness!

Taurus

Two fire alarms shall wake you from your slumber each week until the end of the month. A plague upon your house! This is poor luck indeed.

Gemini

Mercury is rising. Or waning. Or something. I don’t know. You shall contract COVID before the month is out and the government will simultaneously introduce compulsory self-isolation for ten days as soon as you do.

Cancer

You will forget your CamCard at one meal this week, but you will get the meal for free because the server won’t be in the mood to look up your name.

Leo

A member of St Johns College will capture you and brick you up alive within the walls of their chapel as a final act of defiance against Trinity- your sacrifice will end the centuries-long war between the houses.

Virgo

Your partner will leave you for a more attractive sibling and still turn up to your family’s Christmas celebration as a guest, making things really awkward for you, but not enough for anyone to do anything about it.

Libra

You will win the lottery but lose the ticket after a Deliveroo moped collides with you on Trinity Street at thirty miles per hour. A fresher will find the ticket and use their newfound fortune to leave Cambridge forever.

Scorpio

See above, section “Libra” re fresher who finds lottery ticket. Congratulations!

Sagittarius

A hail of arrows will rain upon you during your next trip to the laundry. Remember to bring a sturdy umbrella and armour.

Capricorn

The roof of your accommodation will cave in, and you will be cast out to Pearce to serve out the remainder of the Michaelmas term. Again.

Aquarius

Avoid the outdoors on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Only make eye contact with people once a week, per person. Failure to do so will result in a decade’s worth of bad luck.

Pisces

Three of your closest friends will use your CamCard to buy themselves pints at the bar behind your back. Beware, and stay sober during trips to the bar.

a cosmic reason you turned to this page