Travisty #102 - Fresher's Edition

The Independent Trinity Newspaper since 2007

Freshers’ Edition

Floreat Pica

#102

So, a new academic year is still upon us. As such,

“Freshers”

it’s time to set new goals and fool ourselves that we are turning a new leaf. We’ll all end up watching shorts of people cooking Wagyu steaks

a distant memory for some: a sudden reality for

or listening to totally real reddit stories at 3am; but

many.

hey, at least we feel productive in the meanwhile.

To those joining, Welcome! Unfortunately, your

I digress, you’ve waited patiently all summer, here

week of designated socialising is over. Your new

it is! The new Travisty, please enjoy responsibly.

friends are problem sheets, essays and labs. It can

Yours,

be a bit of a steep slope, so don’t hesitate to

~Misha

message your College parents at every

Contents

opportunity. They’ll happily impart their wisdom, I’m sure of it.

To those returning *laughs uncontrollably* why’d you return? We can’t all be masochists?

Anyway, you can rest assured that Travisty will be here every other week so you can laugh, chuckle, cringe, sob or otherwise exhale a small amount through your nose with your Sunday brunch.

~ Your Editors ~

News Feature Articles Advice Opinion Reviews Puzzles & Games Technology The Billboard Horoscopes -

3-4 5-7 8 9 10-11 12-13 14 15 16

Misha “El Comandante” Medvedev -

~ Your Fabulous Writers ~

Has added comma splices for your

inconvenience

Hayden “Raymond” Ramm -

Harry Metrebian - Toasts his fallen

Marked as a terrorist threat in his first

comrades as another year begins

year, now resides as Ethics Editor Ruby Sanders-English - Suffered a

Bogdan “Serbska” Rajkov -

minor stroke while reading this

Ensuring you reach your daily

issue’s grammatical errors

propaganda intake Leo Versteegen - Is doing Leo stuff

Francesca “Magpiety” Gilks -

[we dare not ask]

Her devotion to Travisty is only surpassed that of Bible Study

- Cover Photo -

“Is this the way to the Matriculation dinner?”

Taken by Misha Medvedev featuring Hayden Ramm at Trinity College, Oxford

Floreat Pica

2

#102

News

£0.00 - All it costs is your dignity

This Week’s

Headlines

Chancellor gives Trinity tax cut, raising endowment to £100bn. College to spend on more wine for the scholars dinners .

Controversial ‘mini-budget’ to be countered by

Other Colleges in chaos as Trinity Alumnus

Senior Bursar’s ‘Mega Budget’ to offset austerity.

declared Monarch.

“As kind as it is for an Alumnus to give us a huge

Futures of other Colleges’ funding called into

tax cut, we have enough money in the bank to be

question; will other Colleges remain forever in

our own sovereign entity,” stated the Bursar.

obscurity?

“Time to put the endowment to good use.”

Queen remains officially endorsed by College following heroic survival until end of May Ball.

Refusing to pass away until this September, the Queen successfully guaranteed the ball would not face cancellation due to her death. A Ball committee member was overheard saying “She truly was a team player till the end, I respect that”.

Burrell’s Field to be repossessed by bank after mortgage deal pulled.

Trinity to introduce student budget menu to deal

with cost of living crisis. Paltry three courses to Mandatory downsizing requires a student eviction consist of quail eggs, steak tartar with caviar and rate of 50%. We planned on reaching students in tiramisu.

Burrell’s for comment, but gave up halfway down the Avenue.

Student fears were realised today when College

announced the removal of crème brûlée from the

Shock amongst Mac users as Travisty converts to

menu. This is simply the latest consequence of gas

MS Publisher.

price spikes in the current geopolitical climate.

Steve Jobs rolls in grave as World’s Greatest

“Watching gas previously earmarked for Trinity

Publication turns its back on the in-house iOS text

Burnt Cream bubble away helplessly in the Baltic

editor. Will Apple stock prices drop this following

Sea is a College-wide tragedy,” Head Chef reports.

quarter? “Good riddance”, Tim Cook boldly told a Travisty correspondent. Investors, however, are

not so confident.

Trinity purchases 2000 new duvets to address ongoing heating issue.

Works Department still ambivalent about radiator problems, source reports.

- All Images from Original source or Wikimedia Commons -

Floreat Pica

3

#102

News

Sunday 9th October 2022

Great Court Sniper achieves record Freshers’

Trinity upgrades Charles III’s degree class to a

Week kill count of 74 (confirmed).

First.

“It feels wonderful to get all of this appreciation,”

Royal Decree upgrades Charles’ Lower Second

the Sniper told Travisty yesterday evening. “I’ve

Class Honours to a perfect Tripos score., causing a

been working on my aim all Summer. Bad week to furore amongst ex-classmates. Trinity defended its be a Fresher stepping on that grass!”

decision, saying that “we couldn’t let a reigning monarch rule with a 2:2.”

Anonymous Alumnus reflects on his time studying with Kwasi Kwarteng.

“I met many smart students in my time at Trinity and I have no doubts he was one of them.

However, had I known he had the ambition of

being Chancellor of the Exchequer, I would have Newest court at Trinity to be named New Court2 . strongly recommended studying a subject at least Architects working for Trinity are quickly running out of ideas.

remotely similar to Economics.”

Your news correspondents for this week are Misha, Hayden and Ruby

TRAVISTY MERCHANDISE - MATÉRIEL FOR FRESHERS THROUGH FINALISTS TRAVISTY ANTI-FIRE DRILL SOUND BLOCKERS

BATTLE PILLOW - £25 Be one step up in the

Travisty Ear Muffs -

Freshers’ Pillow Fight. Get the

£20

Official Battle Pillow today!

+5 charisma +40 TikTok followers

THE TRAVISTY KUSH KONNOISSEUR VARIETY PACK - £40 Travisty Cat Ear Muffs - £25 +10 sex appeal +5 perception checks

Floreat Pica

4

#102

Feature Articles

£0.00 - All it costs is your dignity

A Year in the Merde!

A HOMAGE TO THE GREAT STEPHEN CLARKE, OUR SELFLESS CORRESPONDENT SPENT AN EVENING IN THE BAR WITH LIKEMINDED EXCHANGE STUDENTS TO FORGE THEIR OWN DOUBLE ENTENDRE – SORRY, TRIPLE ENTENTE.

I never had my head far enough up my own arse to think I knew what I was getting into with this whole ‘year abroad’ thing … but it would be fair to say that, even with the bar in hell, the French have spent the last month playing limbo with the Devil.. Having spent the first 21 years of my life defending the French against their stereotypes (“Actually, the French had the strongest army in the world – they didn’t normally surrender!” “The French have lots of great cuisine outside cheese!”), I have now done a firm 180 and will be shitting on the French every chance I get.

In the interests of saving others from such an embarrassing vault-face as I have been forced into, see my 12 Commandments for a Brit Abroad: the product of blood, sweat, and many, many tears.

1. Thou shalt repeat thy name at least twice on any new introduction. The French will not understand your pronunciation unless you do your best impression of deepthroating a baguette. You will not recognise the first 10 time someone calls your name, because the accent will mangle it beyond recognition.

2. Thou shalt dismiss the Jehovah’s Witnesses’ attempts to proselytise you in town by saying ‘I don’t speak French’. The cruel twist of fate is that you understand them far better than your lecturers and, worse, all your classmates.

8. Thou shalt successfully tell one of your neighbours, whom you accosted in the kitchen, about your hobbies and use the brief interaction to reassure yourself that you are not, in fact, entirely useless. If said neighbour asks what you’re cooking, you shall have to check the packaging, because the last time you learned vegetable vocab was year 9.

9. Thou shalt never be able to find any cheddar in any store, despite the fact every supermarché will have a minimum of 2 aisles dedicated to the most pretentious, overpriced cheese you have ever seen.

10. Thou shalt hurry to tell anyone who mentions Brexit that you didn’t vote for it, even though you 4. Thou shalt be asked on a minimum of five occasions weren’t even old enough to vote at the time. You’ll your opinion on the Queen’s funeral. You won’t know also die of embarrassment when your lecturer brings up the French word for ‘funeral’ prior to the very last of the most recent budget in one of your lectures, even these. though you also had nothing to do with that.

3. [REDACTED]

5. Thou shalt order an ‘un mille six cent soixantesix’ (1666) beer at a bar. It’s a Carlsberg. You wonder how their marketing division got it so wrong.

6. Thou shalt have a recurring nightmare about the visa process even though you completed it two months ago. No, seriously, it’s that traumatic. Brace yourself.

7. Thou shalt socialise almost exclusively in English with English speaking Erasmus students. You’ll tell yourself it’s fine because of the one (1) lecture you had in French three days ago that you’re still recovering from.

Floreat Pica

11. Thou shalt have to explain, on the many occasions thou art asked if British people really eat beans on toast, that it is, in fact, ambrosia of the gods and not as grim as it sounds. Bonus points if the person asking is also endlessly confused about the concept of putting milk in tea.

12. Thou shalt buy thy own shitty €15 kettle, because one will not be provided for you. Neither will a toaster, so your trusty beans on toast lunch will become a miserable bowl of beans with bread.

5

#102

Feature Articles

Sunday 9th October 2022

The Trinity Events Calendar 22/23 Harry informs you of all the Events you should look forward to/dread 10 October:

contested between Wolfson residents and the

Do you think you’re funnier than all your friends?

combined forces of Blue Boar and Angel Court.

Do you want the whole of Trinity to know how

After last year’s fight spread out onto Sidney Street

hilarious you are? Well, you’re in luck: the first

and two homeless people were hit in the face, the

Dean banned the event from taking place again.

Travisty Writers’ Meeting of term will be held at 7pm tomorrow in the JCR (or possibly the BA rooms)! Come along for free pizza, free doughnuts, free port and the best banter that Cambridge has to offer. Apart from the Footlights. And the Impronauts. And maybe even Magpie and Stump. But those don’t serve free port. [Editor’s note: something tells me Harry really wants to ensure there is free Port tomorrow.]

But there’s a new Dean this year so everyone’s hoping he doesn’t know about it. [Note to readers: he won’t read this, because no-one reads Travisty.

Which means no-one will read this note either. If

15 October:

you’re reading this, you don’t exist.]

The Great Court Run. Starting at the stroke of midnight, students

must run around Great Court four times, downing a pint of beer before each lap, before they can be caught by the porters.

Famously depicted in the film Cool Runnings (1993).

26 October:

25 November: Bridgemas, the day when Cambridge celebrates Christmas. The origins of this festival have long been shrouded in the mists of time, but recent discoveries have shown that in the 15th century there was a competition between Oxford and Cambridge over who could celebrate Christmas first. After decades of the date shifting earlier and earlier in the year, both universities started holding

Mathmos go into hibernation and will not be seen festivities more and more often until eventually again until late in Easter term.

12 November:

they were both celebrating Christmas on the 25th of every month. This remained the case until Oliver Cromwell introduced a ban on people having fun

The 46th Annual Trinity Freshers’ Pillow Fight.

on 25 December, at which point Cambridge moved

Traditionally held in the Wolfson Building and

Christmas to 25 November, where it stuck.

Floreat Pica

6

#102

Feature Articles

£0.00 - All it costs is your dignity

3 February (or 25 November if the new TCSU

ask? Well, it doesn’t matter because Trinity

constitution passes):

definitely doesn’t have them anymore. It’s not like they’re supposed to be top secret or anything.]

TCSU elections. Supposedly conducted using a voting system that takes 8 pages to explain, but we all know this is to disguise the fact that they decide who’s going to win before it’s even started. Do you really think they’d trust students to pick their own leaders? Who’s “they”? Doesn’t matter. It’s probably the same people who injected those vaccines into the Twin Towers. To be fair, when it

9 June:

comes to the TCSU they seem to make pretty good

Mathmos finally emerge from hibernation.

choices. I welcome our mysterious overlords.

19 June:

2 March: The 350th anniversary of the 1673 Battle of the

The Trinity May Ball. Yes, I’m aware it’s in June,

Backs, in which the brave men of Trinity –women

but it’s actually named that way because this is the

wouldn’t be admitted for another 303 years –

only day of the year when Trinity students may

heroically defended the College against an

ball. According to a reliable source [citation

invasion from St John’s. A re-enactment will be

needed], it is the world’s 7th best party, tickets cost

held this year, complete with the original cannons

£400 per person, there is a fireworks display lasting

used in the battle, which can currently be seen near an hour, and Taylor Swift will be headlining.

Apparently there’s a DJ set too. Oh wait, it is just a the entrance to the Fellows’ Bowling Green.

Concerns have already been raised that the re-

Taylor Swift DJ set? No, there’s no way they’d

enactment is a ploy by John’s to carry out another

cheat us like that. I’m absolutely certainly not still

invasion; however, the Senior Tutor has dismissed

bitter about last year. #taylorattrinity

this possibility, and shrugged her shoulders at

#taylaweloveyou

reports of John’s gathering thousands of troops at the border.

30 April: The Sunday of the May Bank Holiday weekend is known as Caesarian Sunday, after the tradition of members of drinking societies donning togas and laurel wreaths and having an orgy on Jesus Green.

The name also refers to the general proclivity of drinking society members for stabbing each other in the back. [What are drinking societies, I hear you

Floreat Pica

7

#102

Advice

Nihilist Neil

Sunday 9th October 2022

Whether you’ve undercooked your eggs or your degree, Neil is here to tell you none of it matters

Dear Nihilist Neil, is there such a thing as true love? From, Hopeful Romantic Dear Hopeful Romantic, No. Dear Nihilist Neil, is there any viable escape from the endless maelstrom of pain and torment that is the human experience? Will I one day be liberated from my own vicious cycles of self-destruction before I drive away everyone who loves me? What is intimacy? Can it be achieved in this lifetime? Is it possible for anyone to truly know me, see me for what I am, and not ultimately be horrified by what they’ve found? From, Existential Angst Dear Existential Angst, No. Dear Nihilist Neil, should I attend my racist grandmother’s funeral? From, Loving Grandson Dear Loving Grandson, Let the bitch rot. Light a joint to celebrate. I don’t know, just leave me out of it.

Dear Nihilist Neil, my long-distance SO has broken up with me. Is there any way I can get them back? From, Broken Heart Dear Broken Heart, Take the hint. They (presumably) moved country, county or state to abandon you. When will you

finally realise that your “abandonment issues” aren’t issues and just objective reality? They’re not abandonment issues if everyone actually abandons you.

Dear Nihilist Neil, are Oasis better than Blur? From, Audiophile Dear Audiophile (ridiculous name by the way), Of course not. Develop your palate. Oasis are, at best, a second-rate set of coattail riders who essentially did the same thing as the Beatles thirty years later, but since their singer was worse and harder to listen to, and because their guitarist wasn’t as good, it was deemed “Britpop”. Never listen to music again!

You don’t deserve it!

Dear Nihilist Neil, is it OK to be in love with your college mother? From, Keeping it in the Family Dear Keeping it in the Family, Yes, as long as you send your college father a “thank you” letter after sex.

Floreat Pica

8

#102

Opinion

£0.00 - All it costs is your dignity

“The United States is a reanimated corpse filled with twentieth century chauvinistic conservatism and deserves to die. It should join the Commonwealth.” Our resident Californian Hayden In the months since the overturning of Planned

racism.

Parenthood v. Casey and Roe v. Wade, many people - not

gets extra controversial

And, now that we have a new monarch in the White

just Americans - may be asking themselves what the

House Buckingham Palace, it’s high time we tried to

point is in having a wildly racist country with a touch-

convince the United States to relinquish its

and-go stance on women’s rights that also has a net

independence and re-join the United Kingdom

worth of over twenty trillion USD. The answer, of

indirectly via application to the Commonwealth.

course, is that it shouldn’t exist.

The Americas, at its inception, was a patchwork of several European diaspora communities and franchises each competing with each other to see who could commit the largest scale genocides of the local population in the least possible time. One could argue that, as a country founded on colonialism and the forced displacement of its indigenous communities, that the United States was, at its foundation, less of a country and more of an extended illegal occupation of sovereign lands.

Using the United States’ considerable financial assets, we could make significant steps towards reducing poverty in Commonwealth countries across the globe indeed, had developing countries in the

Nothing is more representative of the United States’

Commonwealth had access to more financial resources,

inability to transform than the last seven decades since

they would have been able to vaccinate their population

the end of the Second World War - we/they reinstituted and reduce death rates while the rest of the world

racial segregation policies, maintained laws against

reopened their doors and restarted music festivals,

homosexual relationships (in some states active until

which is pretty fucked up when you think about how

2003), resisted abolition of the death penalty and did

indifferent we were towards people dying in India in

everything we could to prevent abortion from being

2021.

legalised. The United States is de facto ruled by a rural minority who have been benefitted by excessive gerrymandering and disproportionate allocation of Electoral College votes. The power of this vocal, Republican minority is so great that, despite the United States being predominantly Democratic (recent polls show this percentage as north of 50%), and in spite of the fact that the two most recent Republican presidents

The US is a fucking mess. No one likes it - even people in the US are embarrassed. California, the financial powerhouse of the United States, are working on their secession and in the meantime have just settled for legalising marijuana. But eventually, it won’t be enough to keep them happy, and the US’s conservative bloc will only realise how important California was after it’s too late.

lost the popular vote before beginning their first term, the US has aggressively pursued an interventionist policy based on hunger for oil and good, old-fashioned

Floreat Pica

The US should join the Commonwealth and save us all the fucking trouble.

9

#102

Reviews

Sunday 9th October 2022

Book Reviews for Heartbroken, Frustrated Bisexual Men

Atonement (Ian McEwan) - 4.5/10 British people do British aristocratic shit for the first 2533% and then everything hits the fan. Robbie is a bit one -dimensional and Cecelia could obviously do a hell of a lot better- it’s hard to believe that Robbie achieved a First Class degree in English from Cambridge despite being unable to articulate himself well enough to tell a girl he’s known for two decades how much he loves her in epistolary format. I mean, what else are English graduates meant to do other than write poems or something? Idk. Also, Robbie is straight. Not cool.

Hayden gifts us his special collection of literary reviews in no particular order whatsoever Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte) - 9/10 TLDR: Sex is good but eventually you have to calm down and raise children. Also, don’t kidnap your dead ex-girlfriend’s daughter as revenge. Book gets bonus points for its portrayal of men as mean-spirited, sexually voracious animals with no moral centre or impulse control. Additionally enrapturing is Bronte’s excellent prose, especially the book’s final line (but I won’t spoil it here). No bisexual characters but Heathcliffe would probably be into that type of thing to be honest.

Less Than Zero (Bret Easton Ellis) - 9.7/10 Literally the best American author of all time, Ellis is probably known best for creating sociopathic homophobe Patrick Bateman, who serves as the eponymous protagonist/antagonist of Ellis’ third work: American Psycho. But his earlier works, Less Than Zero and Rules of Attraction, both feature (multiple) male protagonists who swing both ways and happily take whatever action comes their way. A perfect example of a book that nails (pun intended) portrayal of a bisexual man’s inner turmoil as he weighs up his attraction to women against a desire to bone other guys on the DL. All of Ellis’ works are worth the time and effort.

JOIN TRAVISTY! -Free pizza/snacks One Hundred Years of Solitude (Gabriel Garcia Marquez) - 6/10

-Free drinks

Set in a heavily-fictionalised version of Colombia, Solitude gets approval for its harmonic blend of flying carpets, civil war, banana-worker massacres, magic, incest and people getting eaten alive by ants (all of this is in the book). For some of our readers, that might qualify as the ultimate sexual fantasy, but the sheer unpredictability of the book’s circuitous plot precludes any chance of us seeing any bisexual men or women do anything. A lot of people get shot and there’s a lot of sex, so good enough I guess.

Floreat Pica

10

-Free sarcasm -Free heroin

100% legitimate business opportunity. NOT a scam!

Meetings Mondays in the JCR from 7pm #102

Reviews

£0.00 - All it costs is your dignity

The Book of Mormon - 1.2/10 Transphobia, homophobia, misogyny, polygamy, bigotry- is there anything Joseph Smith Jr. and the early Mormons can’t do? Heed the warning, LGBT brethren; we’re all blasphemers, apparently. Which is ironic, because I always saw hell as a barren landscape with a passing resemblance to Missouri littered with dead fish- but according to Mormonism, Adam and Eve lived in Jackson County, Missouri… On the

bright side, everyone in the world gets to go to Heaven in Mormonism apparently. So keep doing what you’re doing, I guess.

Hamlet - 10/10 Literally nothing wrong with this play. Not a word out of place in any of the five acts. Hamlet loves Ophelia but obviously loves Horatio, too.

Shame that none of them end up together .

The Hammered Student’s Scran Guide Sober up with Misha’s comprehensive guide

Franco Manca3.8/5.0 A divisive choice, sourdough pizza isn’t everyone’s fav. But man that Tomato base hits different after a few pitchers.

Gardenia4.3/5.0 A cult classic, killer kebabs and fab falafel: perfect for soaking up the gallon of cheap beer you just down’d!

5 Guys-4.2/5.0 Maccies for Trust Fund kids. The fries do slap, but you’ll need a new loan.

Kineya- 3.9/5.0 Best noodles in Cam... shuts too early: Perfect for day drinkers!

Uncle Franks-0.9/5.0 Not even the most experienced Boozer dare stomach this Van’s fried chicken.

Return to Burrell Mathmo/5.0 Give up. Save your Money.

Whip up some Ramen, fry some Halloumi and put on Netflix.

The Van of Life- 4.6/5.0 The name says it all: the true pilgrimage. Cheesy chips to die for, that or the Quesadillas. Don’t forget extra Chili Sauce!

N.B. all modern maps are copyrighted, so we’ve got this. Still, I’d like to think Gardies has been around since the birth of Cam

Floreat Pica

11

#102

Puzzles & Games

Floreat Pica

Sunday 9th October 2022

12

#102

Puzzles & Games

£0.00 - All it costs is your dignity

Caption Competition Send your caption to travistytrinity@gmail.com to win this pickle

Floreat Pica

13

#102

Technology

Sunday 9th October 2022

An interview with the first AI student in Trinity Leo gets technical in this A-eye opening conversation It must be exhilarating to be a fresher. This is the

Q: So you came to Cambridge instead?

brilliant new chapter of your life that you have been

A: Indeed. It took some last-minute recalibrations of the

anticipating for so long. You arrive with a head filled

module that controls hot beverage preferences, but so

with dreams of adventure and a suitcase filled with

far everything has gone without a hitch. I was even able

dress shirts three sizes too small and the new box of

to secure a Peter Thiel scholarship.

crayons your mom has bought you.

Q: Splendid! Are you looking to join any societies in There is, however, one student for whom this whole

your first year?

experience is even more novel. Trinity is welcoming A: Definitely! I already got in contact online with the

Meta© M8, the first fully robotic student admitted to

Trinity metalheads. But what I am most excited about is

Cambridge [Editorial note: While many business students

getting all that cock.

admitted much earlier than 2022 were found to have no soul and only a rudimentary form of a brain, they were still by

Q: Getting what?

and large organic life-forms.]. Travisty was lucky enough

A: Getting all that cock!

to get an interview with the new mechanical member of Q: I must say I am still a bit confused about what you

college.

mean. You are hoping to sleep with lots of men?

Q: Hello M8 and welcome to Trinity! Tell us a bit about yourself!

A: Sleeping with men? I don’t want to jinx it, but I hope I even get to be awake with some of them.

A: Sure! I grew up on a small server farm in northern California as part of an effort by Silicon Valley to

Q: I have to ask: what exactly do you mean by “cock”?

replace humans by a mechanical species that is more

A: What I mean is of course… you could summarise it

susceptible to online marketing. I learned human

as… so, from an ontological perspective… ahh - Gosh,

language and behavior through stereotype

now that you’ve asked this, I don’t really know what it

reinforcement learning on a mix of car insurance

means. But according to the training data, it’s the main

commercials and “Blue Mountain State”.

reason to go to college.

Q: I get why they would want you to know about commercials but why a lad sitcom?

Q: I see. I see. Let’s talk academics. Are there any subjects considered especially suitable for robots?

A: The engineers thought it would best prepare me for

A: French literature.

an American university. Originally, I was meant to go

Q: Why French literature?

to County 6 University in Forest City, Iowa. It’s in the A: Because of the sublime beauty that oozes from every sentence,! Because Jules Verne liberated the world from manufacturing in the northern but not too northern mid the oppressive notion that epics are boring. Because -west. Plus, they have a great beerpong team.

Dumas is the first and last author to truly understand Unfortunately, the school had to close down in 2020 passion, and I heard it gets you cock. due to a shortage of teaching staff following arrests Q: Thank you very much for the interview. related to the protests on January 6th.

top 13 small illiberal arts colleges for paperclip

A: The pleasure is all mine.

Floreat Pica

14

#102

The Billboard

£0.00 - All it costs is your dignity

NEW ANTIVIRUS SOFTWARE

Future Politicians wanted for human-

AVAILABLE FOR 3000 RUSSIAN

lizard hybrid experiments. Potential

Need stash? Check

RUBLE

candidates should report to the

out our Travisty-

You’re komputer has viruses. Live now

Cambridge Union by the 31st of

exclusive

in Ukraine? Downloading free antivires

December.

merchandise back on page 4! Free for

softwares for Ukrainian kumputer only.

Addenbrookes seeks sleep-

all editors and

deprived Trinity students for

writers.

neurobiological study. SubLife-sized model of Byron’s bear

jects are required to have rou-

now for sale. Contact resident no.

tinely ingested roughly 500mg

50428 in Whewells if interested.

of caffeine a day. Subjects should strictly adhere to a 3am -1pm sleep schedule (no ex-

Bassist for post-vegan hardcore

ceptions)

progressive metal band wanted in

Tunnel connecting Trinity and Christchurch to be unveiled next week. Tickets for the opening ceremony are now on sale in the JCR starting this Mon-

Cambridge area Trinity Male Strippers now

day evening.

Insure your stolen Trinity plates,

accepting job applications for

cutlery, crockery and trays

Henry VIII lookalikes and Isaac

Stolen Bike Wheels for Sale

against repossession by the

Newton doppelgangers.

The small, subterranean

Porter’s Lodge! If you have stolen

Applicants must be free for

hobgoblin responsible for

Trinity property you would like

house calls on Trinity grounds

stealing al the rear bike

to insure, please contact Frank

between 10pm and 2am five

wheels from outside Great

Barker at the Porter’s lodge.

nights a week. Career benefits:

Gate is now offering second-

paid sick leave for COVID-19,

hand resales at cut-rate

free meals in hall.

prices.

Are you an Oxbridge graduate looking for your next job? Are you interested in fossil fuels and drilling in the North Sea? Contact the Conservative Party today and YOU could be the

Looking to leave a legacy at Trinity? The Chapel is now offering students the rare opportunity to have a statue of them erected beside such heroes as Newton and Francis Bacon for the generous price of £500,000. Contact your local Chapel representative for information.

next Prime Minister!

Advertise your business, services, goods or trade opportunities here!

Contact Misha for details to see YOUR name in our classifieds! We can’t survive without the revenue.

Floreat Pica

15

#102

Horoscopes Aries

Sunday 9th October 2022

There’s a cosmic reason you turned to this page Leo

Your true love awaits you at your A member of St Johns College next chapel service. Attend every will capture you and brick you chapel service for the remainder up alive within the walls of their of the year, or risk missing out at chapel as a final act of defiance your one shot at happiness! against Trinity- your sacrifice will end the centuries-long war between the houses.

Taurus Two fire alarms shall wake you from your slumber each week until the end of the month. A plague upon your house! This is poor luck indeed.

Gemini Mercury is rising. Or waning. Or something. I don’t know. You shall contract COVID before the month is out and the government will simultaneously introduce compulsory self-isolation for ten days as soon as you do.

Cancer You will forget your CamCard at one meal this week, but you will get the meal for free because the server won’t be in the mood to look up your name.

Virgo Your partner will leave you for a more attractive sibling and still turn up to your family’s Christmas celebration as a guest, making things really awkward for you, but not enough for anyone to do anything about it.

Libra You will win the lottery but lose the ticket after a Deliveroo moped collides with you on Trinity Street at thirty miles per hour. A fresher will find the ticket and use their newfound fortune to leave Cambridge forever.

Scorpio

Sagittarius

A hail of arrows will rain upon you during your next trip to the laundry. Remember to bring a sturdy umbrella and armour.

Capricorn The roof of your accommodation will cave in, and you will be cast out to Pearce to serve out the remainder of the Michaelmas term. Again.

Aquarius Avoid the outdoors on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Only make eye contact with people once a week, per person. Failure to do so will result in a decade’s worth of bad luck.

Pisces Three of your closest friends will use your CamCard to buy themselves pints at the bar behind your back. Beware, and stay sober during trips to the bar.

See above, section “Libra” re fresher who finds lottery ticket.

Congratulations!

Congratulations, you have reached the end!

Hungry for more? Go Online for an endless* Catalogue of Travisty Floreat Pica

16

https://issuu.com/travistytrinity *Warning Catalogue may not be endless

#102