Headlines of the Week

We prefer the term “Faux News”. Your esteemed journalists, Harry Metrebian and Eoin Walsh

Queen not allowed to die until May Ball is over, College reports

The Trinity May Ball has been cancelled 3 timesin 2020-21 for COVID-19, during WW2, and in 1910 when the monarch, Edward VII, died. Now, nearly a thousand years later, we might be facing the same possibility. No one seems to know why the deaths of George V and George VI didn’t result in cancellation, either Trinity wasn’t as up itself and actually modernised in the 30s, or perhaps it was because they died several months before the May Ball, or maybe Georges’ just aren’t welcome at the May Ball anyway? Hard to know.

As a result, the Senior Tutor has taken extra steps to make sure that the robot controlling the Queen’s body will not be turned off until at least July, although the Queen herself has requested to survive until 31 August, to witness the 25th anniversary of her most successful vehicular assassination.

Travisty archive discovered during Great Court water works

While working to add Adderall to the water supply in Great Court, contractors unexpectedly discovered a treasure chest featuring carvings of the Magpie and Stump logo. When this was opened, dozens of previously unknown issues of Travisty from the distant past were found inside, along with a large gold pentagram, several human finger bones and a half-burnt LGBT flag. We have updated the issue numbers, so this issue of Travisty is now #100 rather than #35. The water works were later postponed after a dead duck was found to be blocking a pipe.

Trinity Complimen2s considered

The almost popular facebook page, allowing anonymous Trinity students’ messages to be broadcast to literally several people, has faced controversy in its time. While not as dead as Trinfess or Compliments of Trinity, and not as controversial as Trinity Compliments, which was put down like a dog after the verbal insults reached the upper echelons of TCSU members, its awkward posts serve as a reminder that at the end of the day, we’re all nerds trying to learn how to use the washing machines and make friends.

Trinity to send rejected applicants to Rwanda

Trinity has announced that is setting up a sister college in Rwanda, and intends to sent its rejected applicants there from the 2024/25 academic year onwards. According to the statement from the College Council: “Rwanda has an excellent modern education system, and students will receive much better teaching there than they would at third-rate universities such as Durham, UCL or Warwick. Besides, it isn’t much further away than Girton.” The Senior Tutor could not be reached for comment.

Leak reveals plan to ban women from studying at Trinity

In a shocking development, Travisty has obtained a leaked draft of the revised Trinity statutes which suggests that the Council plans to revoke the right of women to study at the College, reversing the historic decision made in 1975. An anonymous member of the Council confirmed that the leak is genuine, but stressed that the copy obtained by Travisty is an outdated version from February, and that fellows could still change their minds. The Council is investigating the source of the leak, and has resolved to ban the whistle-blower from all Trinity-owned land; Travisty notes that this would prevent them from travelling further than 20 miles from any location in the UK. A spokesman would not respond to questions about whether internationals or state-school students might be the next to have their rights threatened.

Welfare Tea to include penis inspections

Penile cancer is a major source of stress for many students, and the TCSU are proud to announce that this introduction will help to alleviate this.

Fellow reads lewd bible passages during High Table Dinner

“The first time”, he was quoted as saying, “it was a mistake after glimpsing a passage in Ezekiel mentioning the engaging in prostitution with physical idols. I regret to say that the next time I was reading the Bible at High Table, I went directly to Solomon’s Song of Songs”. The Dean has announced that as a Title A fellow, the harshest penalty possible that can be given is a vegetarian meal instead of standard at the next high table meal and a bedtime of 9:15pm latest.

Trinity Bar to be nationalised

Trinity students, outraged at how many times the panini manufacturers have changed, and upset with the current supplier (one student describing the sandwiches as “the kind your batshit crazy aunt would make”), have decided to exert full control, extending opening times and allowing a publicly controllable playlist on the speakers. The Dean has responded positively, and is sending a CIA-backed militia to make sure the situation was resolved peacefully (specifically the quote was “full of pieces”).