Travisty #105 - Bridgemas Edition 2022

The Independent Trinity Newspaper since 2007

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#105

Merry Bridgemas!

And a happy lent term! Congrats you made it

Contents

(excluding the 10 lectures you have to catch up on)!

Now get ready for some events. I hope you like mince pies because that’s the default snack provided by Chaplin's, Societies, Departments, etc for the next week.

Of course, once the clock ticks past midnight at the end of term, half the college will immediately

News Feature Articles Food & Drink Merchandise The Billboard Ho-Ho-Horoscopes -

bugger off; but before you do, I invite you to play a game. Place your bets! Place your bets! Who’s

3-4 5-8 9 10 11 12

Uh oh, they’re all

gonna get injured at Val Thornes? There’s always

under the Mistletoe!

one and it isn’t usually from skiing!

~ Your Holly Jolly Writers ~

For the rest of us staying, I’m sure our brave society committees are sacrificing their degrees as you read this to bring out the best this college has to offer (N.B for Socs: just give us lots of free food).

Anyway, whatever your plans are for this winter break (or summer break for those southern hemisphere peeps), I hope you have a wonderful winter celebration of no particular affiliation.

Yours,

~Misha

~ Your Editors ~

Amy Freeman— Suffered a near fatal wound while bringing you the Mainsbury’s report.

Harry Metrebian — A walking encyclopaedia of college traditions.

College culture would die without him!

‘London Gatwick’ — Nobody really knows what he looks like. That’s just a hyper-realistic mask.

Luke Barratt— Believes that finishing

Misha “Global” Medvedev —

last isn’t always a bad thing .

Received a court order to stop sending people links to the

Ruslan Kotlyarov — Enjoys swimming

Arabic + Nightcore version of

around the Wolfson basement.

‘Somebody that I used to know’.

“Hayden Raymond Ramm” —

Agnijo Banerjee — Recently

Turns rabid upon spotting a Terry’s

transcended to become a Sudoku God.

Chocolate Orange.

- Cover Photo “St. Nick caught on the Wren roof red handed” Taken by Misha Medvedev feat. Max Wong: Wren Library, Trinity College [Bloopers on Page 4]

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Disclaimer: This is a work of satiric fiction. Do not try any stunts, events or other ideas described in this publication at home, college or anywhere else. Injury, death or even a deaning may be a consequence.

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News

£0.00 - All it costs is your dignity Your news correspondents for this week are Misha, Luke and Ruslan

This Week’s

Headlines

‘Build-a-Hotdog is Dead!’

Hustings came to a head when our Junior Steward

We prefer the term “Faux News”

candidate proudly declared an end to the era of Glizzys for Saturday lunch. Hands were

11,780 Mail-in votes for RON appear in the last

immediately raised around the room; the silent

hour of voting

majority provoked into a final defence of their

The results of the TSCU Presidential (and others)

favourite Frankfurter-based luncheon. The

election are in! RON has won by a landslide after

consequences of this bold statement are yet to be

being behind in the polls for the entire race.

seen.

Candidates are claiming fraud; however, Travisty must stress that there is no evidence to support this ridiculous claim. In unrelated news, Travisty has been purchased by Gazprom for a pint and a packet of Monster Munch.

Trinity gym rebrands as a sauna After facing criticism for the quality of ventilation

Trinity College Football team to replace

at the gym, College has decided to rebrand the

Argentina in Qatar World Cup

building as the Old Fields Sauna. 'We are excited to In a shocking turn of events, FIFA made the drastic announce that the weights room in the gym is now decision to pull the South American team from the legally a sauna. The temperature reaches 60C when tournament. “We couldn’t just sit there and watch in use, and it can even double up as a steam room a country with such a rich history of football when the rowers arrive,' a press statement reads.

embarrass themselves like that”, a FIFA

'We are pleased to see the gym full of beefy, sweaty spokesperson said. With Trinity’s blazing record men, grunting away as they bend over, squat and this term, our undefeated team was clearly the best get down on their hands and knees. We are also

replacement. Concerns were raised, however, once

introducing a dark room where those more self-

the team captain came to the realisation that all

conscious about their bodies can get jacked

beer would have to be non-alcoholic, thus going

anonymously.' [Editor: I think this is the wrong

against the club’s religious beliefs.

kind of sauna?]

- All Images from Original Source or Wikimedia Commons -

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News

Sunday 27th November 2022

Sally spotted bricking up Whewell’s Cellars fire exits

TV license goons kidnap unsuspecting fresher

During a riveting TCSU hustings on Tuesday, Trinity history was made. After 476 years of campaigning for the return of the Wolfson Party Room, all candidates agreed: allowing internationals to retain their belongings over the vac prevents the WPR from being used as a party space during Term Time. The new pledge: to convert the Whewell's Cellars into Trinity's bop venue. This writer was sure that such a novel idea which no other TCSU has ever pushed for will win over the College in an instant. However, an anonymous fellow called Willem told this paper that he saw the Master Professor Dame Sally Davies GCB DBE FRS FMedSci bricking up the fire exits to the Whewells' Cellars that night. When confronted with this accusation Sally responded: 'It is vital that we stop the spread of AMR, so remember to wear a condom.' She failed to account for the disparity between the desire for bareback relief amongst the Trinity community and its realisation. What's clear to this reporter is that - for now - all back passages are blocked.

her mum’s iPlayer account”, wailed one of her friends through tears. The student (yet to be identified) is believed to have been crossing over to Whewell’s when a white van (aerial attached) pulled onto the cobbles and swiped her away.

College is providing their condolences; however, TVL.co.uk seem to be well above their authority.

“She only watched one episode of Poldark using

St John’s targets civilian infrastructure, Trinity invokes Article 5 In response to numerous acts of aggression, including the deployment of a cannon on Fellows’ Bowling Green and attempts by the Travesty editors to smuggle in explosives, St John’s College has launched a pre-emptive strike on Trinity. An investigation confirmed that St. John’s covertly introduced changes to the Masterplan, converting the Wolfson party room into a pool effective immediately. To follow sustainability goals, the pool water had to be used lightly by the residents before. St. John's has continued to push the false justification that because the first Masters of Trinity were members of their college, they should maintain an overlordship on us. The Trinity Fellows were quick to respond (for once), instructing our powerful oar-driven fleet to ram any Lady Margaret vessel on sight. We will update you as reports of the first collisions continue to come in.

Travisty to sue TrInfo over infringement on Caption CompetitionTM

“It’s no fair, we did it first!” - a Travisty Spokesperson

Cover photo bloopers

Santa investigates the Wren’s capacity as a runway

Monika, the Junior Bursar and Adrian for making this happen! This project was great fun and the result is something we are really proud of.

Santa pondering the great questions in life

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A huge thank you to Stephen, Katie,

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Feature Articles

£0.00 - All it costs is your dignity

Santa is a Trinity Alumnus?

Our secret reporter ‘London’ strikes again with another shocking revelation The question has often been asked: what do the people in the Wren Library actually do all day? To the untrained eye, it would appear that all they do is pore over the same musty, dusty, mutually indistinguishable antique books, and that on the few occasions they raise their heads to an angle greater than ninety degrees, it is for the sole purpose of unleashing a purposefully violent glare on chattering students or gawking tourists. But Wren Library researchers recently proved their worth by making the most shocking of Bridgemas discoveries: in the matriculation book for the year 1850, there is an entry under the name of ‘Santa Claus.’

That’s right. Santa Claus is, in fact, a former student of Trinity College, Cambridge; and if his supervisor reports are anything to go by, not a very good one, at that. Because despite his enrolment as a theology student, Santa’s behaviour was anything but Christian. One supervisor report, from December 1850, reads as follows: ‘I am afraid to report that Mr. Claus is quite the worst student I have ever taught at the undergraduate level. He is idle, slovenly and has the most appalling personal habits. Only last week, he arrived at one of his supervisions brandishing a bottle of whisky and a sack of carrots, upon which he proceeded to gorge himself during our discussion of the Song of Songs. He virtually never completes work on time, and when he does, what little he produces is of the most awful quality. In his first essay, he argued that the snake in the Garden of Eden serves as a metaphor for onanism, invoking an idiom popular amongst undergraduates which I believe makes inexplicable reference to a “one-eyed snake”; regardless, I shall not reproduce it here. At our next supervision, when I asked to see his most recent essay, he presented me with a blank sheet of paper. When I ventured to suggest that blank sheets of paper do not qualify as essays, he castigated me for my inability to read invisible ink. He then refused to do any reading, let alone write another essay, for the next three weeks, meaning our supervisions were spent in silent contemplation of my office walls. When, at long last, he did produce another essay, he wrote it in braille, complaining that he had been rendered temporarily blind by a phenomenon known as “week five blues.” And when I am not worried about his work, I am worried about his physical health: because the plain truth is that Mr. Claus has ballooned in size over the course of the last term; a development to which I feel his gluttonous ways may well have contributed. He has become noticeably redder of cheek lately and, furthermore, has neither washed nor shaved since arriving in college. In conclusion, Mr. Claus is repugnant to me in every possible way: physically, morally and intellectually. If he carries on like this next term, I am afraid we shall have no choice but to send him down.’

Faced with expulsion, Santa had reached a critical juncture. Casting about for one last, desperate throw of the dice, he knew what he had to do. At the start of the Christmas vacation, Santa submitted an application for the Dunlevie Fund in which he stated his desire to perform missionary work in Africa over the winter break.

Astounded by his sudden change of heart, and wishing to encourage his apparent moral reformation, his supervisor seconded his application and, sure enough, his request for funding was granted. But alas, Santa’s motives were not as pure as they seemed. Once in possession of the Dunlevie Fund money, he used it not to go to Africa to perform missionary work, but instead to move to the North Pole, where he bought eight flying reindeer, an unidentified number of elves, and gifts for every child in the world. That very Christmas of 1850, he went on his first global tour; and it is surely no coincidence that it was only in the mid-nineteenth century that popular depictions of Santa—with the red clothing, the silly hat, the enormous beer belly, the great white beard— emerged in their modern form. All Santa asked in return was that recipients of his gifts supply him with whisky—fuel for his alcoholism—and carrots—some for him, some for his reindeer. And while we cannot endorse Santa’s fraudulent application for Dunlevie Fund money, we can at least celebrate the fact that at long last, this once-wayward student of Trinity College managed to find his niche. Let us hope, this Bridgemas, that a similarly hopeful fate awaits us all.

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Feature Articles

Sunday 27th November 2022

Father Christmas’s Pigeonhole Amy provides an insight into the spam you flood daddy Crimbo’s dms with thoughts of everyone who’s come before me, it leaves me wondering whether there could possibly be This year I’ve decided I really need to remind everyone anything left for me for me to think about. Of course, that’s very close to a reflection that someone – I’m that I’m an English lit student. My extensive tote bag trying to remember who – reflected in the 15th century. collection already features both the Daunt books But I digress. Please, metaphysical gift-giver, give me emblazoned one, and the limited edition Northanger an original thought.

Abbey that I sought out when I realised that the Pride and Prejudice one wasn’t quite pretentious enough. My I need to think, I need to be. tote game is admittedly strong, but I have a nagging Philosophising. fear that it’s doing a bit too much of the heavy lifting.

I can’t help but feel slightly underdressed next to everyone else on the Sidgwick site. The law students are always so effortlessly corporate and put together dear mr santa claus, looking. The history department seems to have a unending supply of funky trousers and knitwear combinations. The HSPS lot is recognisable by their can I have some Lego please? i’ve already got most of ever changing but reliably bright hair colours that make lego city, but I really want the supersonic jet – me feel bland and uncreative. What good is that for an helicopter – powerboat three in one set. aspiring novelist? But my main concern is that I only have Doc Marten boots. I need the shoes to truly feel thank you daddy that I’m not a poser. Burgundy with platforms please! average engineer.

Dear Father Christmas,

Kind regards,

An *Arts* Student

To Father Christmas, I really enjoyed the Complete Box Set of Philosophy that I got last year. I started with Aristotle, and by the time I’d got to the metaphysics of Saul Kripke I knew I’d never see the world in the same way again. I’ve read the one on Heidegger twice. All in all, though you may have gifted me mere paper, you truly granted me a near comprehensive understanding of all the thoughts that have ever been thought.

I’m not doing the right degree to be writing to a supernatural being who’s able to receive and engage with every request made of him. I’d be doing theology if I wanted to deal with something like that! But I guess you could call me desperate. Having read all the

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Feature Articles

£0.00 - All it costs is your dignity

Dear St Nick,

Dear Father Christmas,

Since you gave me perfect pitch last year, I’ve tried hard to remain on my best behaviour. I’ve practised my scales, joined three new ensembles, and spent so long in the practice rooms I almost forgot about choir rehearsal.

I’ve even refrained from telling everyone that I have perfect pitch. What I’m really trying to say is that I’ve tried to remain on the ‘good list’ – I’m a people pleaser at the end of the day.

This might be why I can’t shake the feeling that I never will be good enough, especially not to please my viola teacher. Every time I open YouTube there’s another child prodigy who was born shortly after I did my grade 8 exam and has already got a repertoire slightly broader than mine. Not only are they more talented, they’re also more endearing, and more employable than I can ever hope to be. The worst thing is that my parents would probably agree.

Therefore, if it’s not too much to ask, could I please have a more secure sense of self-worth? My copy of Bach’s Cello Concerto (for viola) is also a bit battered so a fresh copy would be much appreciated too.

All I want for Christmas is a miracle.

I have 9am lectures every day except Sunday, and the more I miss the more I have to catch up on. It takes me longer to pre-read the lecture notes than it does to sit through the lecture, and even after both I still don’t know what’s going on. Every week I have thirty contact hours, a multiplicity of problem sheets and essays and my parents still wish I was doing medicine.

I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t behind, and I can’t imagine ever catching up.

Yours,

A miserable music student :(

Please, this is a cry for help.

Burnt out bio-natsci

Mr X-Mas (Editor’s Note: here we see a mathmo who promptly got distracted attempting to ascertain the linear relationship between x and mas. Although he had plotted it on a graph within three hours, he was subsequently waylaid by converting x/mas into a decimal, and other such things that a maths degree (probably doesn’t) seek to teach you. He is expected to realise the passing of time about the same time that he gets forcibly removed by the porters three days after his licence to occupy ends)

~ Sudoku ~ Rules Each 4x4 box, row and column contains the characters ABCDEF0123456789 exactly once.

Send your completed solution to travistytrinity@gmail.com The first to provide a completed solution wins a Travisty-subsidized chocolatey prize.

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Feature Articles

Sunday 27th November 2022

The Mainsbury’s Correspondence

preventing a Suez Canal sort of incident.

But the real story and reason for this reportage lies in the number of chocolate oranges that Sainsbury’s could

Amy puts her own life on the line to provide you the hard-hitting, factual reporting you deserve

be selling, were they not £1.95. Orange infused, enshrouding a flaky imitation of the white irritating centre string, and wrapped in enticing orange foil: what’s not to love – except of course for the fact that

Caving to long-standing and increasing pressure to

they cost nearly £2, and haven’t been on sale once in the

justify Travisty’s budget and at least masquerade as a

last seven weeks. They could be flying off the shelves,

respectable publication, we introduce our news

but instead they’re self-consciously positioned on the

correspondent: (just about a)live from Sainsbury's.

bottom one, while the three types of effectively identical shortbread take all the eye-level glory.

It’s 8.30pm and the busiest time in Sidney Street Sainsbury’s. The fairtrade (but non-organic) bananas

It remains to be seen whether Sainsbury’s will rectify

have almost entirely flown off the shelves, there’s an

this travesty in some capacity: the people want

eclectic range of puffer jackets present in the queue for

chocolate oranges, and they want them to be on sale.

the self-service checkouts, and the only oranges left are

But until then we can rely on the fact that the aisle will

either bruised, a bit too yellow, or unreasonably

annex more of the floorspace, and they might introduce

expensive. But the fruit aisle is just a backdrop for the

some festive cheese to go with the array of crackers. It's

real story: tonight, having failed to develop a

a story (and section) that continues to develop.

personality or coherent sense of humour I’m reporting from the Christmas Aisle.

Caption Competition

It's a location that doesn’t always get the limelight. It’s

located between the vodka and the aforementioned bananas, a motorway with junctions off to the assorted aisles of baked beans, bagels, and breakfast cereals. As a rule, people don’t take the motorway for the stunning roadside views, and the Christmas aisle is the longstanding victim of this.

But what a view! There’s every seasonal product the heart could desire: giant Ferrero Rochers filled with

mini Ferrero Rochers, decorative napkins, and six different selection boxes of crackers. It’s a telling reminder that capitalism very much does breed innovation, and this is most evident in the Jacobs HQ.

Send your caption to:

It’s worth lingering to fully appreciate the array, and

travistytrinity@gmail.com

the funniest wins a prize!

the absence of trollies can be appreciated for

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Food & Drink

£0.00 - All it costs is your dignity

COCKTAIL OF THE WEEK Harry M. combats the week 8 depression with this holly, jolly cocktail (4) Remove the blankets from the pigs, and then kill

The Bridgemas Blockbuster

them if they are not already dead.

(Serves 2)

(5) Chop up the dead pigs into bacon and small

Not suitable for vegetarians, vegans, or anyone else with a

sausages. Wrap a piece of bacon around each sausage

conscience

and cook for 35 minutes at 190°C, or 190 minutes at

Ingredients:

35°C if you have a deadline in the next couple of

-200ml red wine

hours.

-A Muller Corner yoghurt

(6) The mixture in the small bowl should solidify into

-100g butter

brandy butter. Just before the sausages are cooked, add

-100ml brandy

this to the mulled wine in the large bowl.

-3 pigs in blankets

(7) Throw the cooked sausages into the large bowl,

-2 sprigs of holly

along with a pear from the tree (and, optionally, the

-A partridge in a pear tree

partridge).

(8) Use a pestle and mortar to crush the solid contents

Instructions:

of the bowl until the mixture has the consistency of a

(1) Pour the wine into a large bowl, empty the Muller

mediocre homemade smoothie.

yoghurt into the wine, and whisk until the ingredients (9) Serve into 2 glasses, one for yourself and one for are evenly mixed. Congratulations, you have made

your partner, garnishing each one with a sprig of

mulled wine!

holly. If you don’t have a partner, that’s not a problem:

(2) Place the butter in a roasting tin and heat it in the

just imagine you have one, pour a second glass

oven at low temperature until it has melted.

anyway, then listen to “ceilings” by Lizzy McAlpine

(3) Take the butter out of the oven, pour it into a small

and weep.

bowl and add the brandy. Leave the contents to cool down.

3 ways to improve your instant noodles 1) Laoganma Crispy Chilli in Oil: honestly, if the CCP just exported this for free for a few months, we’d have a reverse opium war on our hands. This stuff is too

addictive!

2) MSG: just more MSG, you can never have too much!

3) Crispy Pork: first buy a flattop cooker. Next marinate small pork belly cubes for 24 hours in honey, teriyaki, Chinese 5 spice and Prague Powder #1. Finally cook until a crispy outer layer forms. Serve atop noodles.

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Merchandise

Sunday 27th November 2022

Ye Olde Travisty Christmas Shoppe Contact Misha for all purchases [all transactions to be made in silver or gold pieces] TOP TRUMPS: Trinity Fellows Edition

Magpie & Stump: His Majesty the Bird Plushie

All your favourite Fellows are

£6

Barrel of Trinity Port

£45

This Bird is no joke!

here! Pitch them against one

another in the ultimate card game. Who has the most papers published? Who takes on the most supervisees? Watch out, my card has a Fields medal!

Newton’s Cradle

Only £18!

For when one bottle isn’t enough!

Riemann Hypothesis Proof

100% Tax Cut Our good friend Kwasi Kwarteng

has created some get out of taxes free

£20

cards. Hurry while

[Unavailable]

£250,000

stocks last! He could only

$1,000,000.01

Due to: ‘Lack of student interest’

CAM-Cards

print so many while in office.

Complete St. John’s Crockery Set

Various levels of access for sale: - Fellows’ Parlour

[£40]

- College Wine Cellars

[£75]

- Great Court S

[£5]

£50 Take the meaning of disposable plates to another level!

- All Study/Supo Rooms [£25] - The Master-Card

Lord By-ho-ron Woolly

£25

[£150]

Principia Mathematica

Jumper

A Single Strand of Ludwig Wittenstein’s Hair

£15

It’s basically gamer-girl

5 for £60

bathwater but for philosophy students.

Great Court Roof Tile 1 Copy Available Condition: Now extra itchy!

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Well used

10

£5!

A truly unforgettable Gift!

A timeless design!

All weather tested!

FREE! [Collection only]

#105

The Billboard

£0.00 - All it costs is your dignity

Solution to last issue’s Sudoku

Wanted! Dead or Alive!

Library serial snack scranner.

Accused of consuming salt & vinegar crisps in our study space.

Accused of throwing food around our house of intellect.

Accused of maintaining conversation in our temple of silence.

Reward: a fistful of dollars

Did you vote

Eduardo for el Presidente?

Advertise your business, services, goods or trade opportunities here!

Contact Misha for details to see YOUR name in our classifieds!

We can’t survive without the revenue.

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Ho-Ho-Horoscopes

Sunday 27th November 2022

Raymond tallies his list to tell you if you’ve been naughty or nice this term Aries

Leo

Sagittarius

You’re an Aries, so let’s be honest - you tested positive for pretty much everything at the STI Bop last week. You have enough on your plate as it is, so you’re excused from any predictions in this column.

We know what you did in the Trin Library. We know why it’s under repair. And we know where you live.

A punt carrying a squadron of a Johns invasion-cum-landing party (haha “cum”) will claim you as their first casualty, skewering you on their long, hard rods.

Taurus This Bridgemas, your College parents will publicly disown you in Great Court before adopting your greatest College rival in your stead. Broken hearts don’t always mend.

Gemini

Virgo That College swap you’re planning on attending this Bridgemas will devolve into a Santa-and-Elves-themed orgy.

Good luck with that.

Stop having sex in New Courtwe can all hear it.

Aquarius Libra Your sugar daddy will give you that £10000 he promised in return for those feet pics, finally. Your parents must be so proud.

As punishment for late supervision work, the Dean’s Committee will sentence you to a holiday of polishing the clockface every day until Christmas. You’ll Scorpio be released from service when Your parents will call to tell you the bell chimes thirteen times. that they’re getting back together this Christmas, but you aren’t Cancer invited to the dinner. I hope you Your crush will finally talk to you like eating instant noodles, alone, in the bar, but only to ask you to in your gyp. move to make room for their friends. Sorry, king.

Congratulations! You have reached the end.

Hungry for more? Go Online for an endless* catalogue of Travisty Floreat Pica

Capricorn

12

The visions of the Head Porter crawling over your ceiling like the child from Trainspotting every night aren’t just dreams.

Don’t close your eyes tonight.

Pisces SHE EYEEEEES ME LIIIIIIKE A PISCES WHEEEEEEEN… I AMMMMM WEEEEAAAAAAKKKKKKKK (Merry Bridgemas)

https://issuu.com/travistytrinity *Warning, catalogue may not be endless

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