Travisty #105 - Bridgemas Edition 2022

Merry Bridgemas!

And a happy lent term! Congrats you made it (excluding the 10 lectures you have to catch up on)! Now get ready for some events. I hope you like mince pies because that’s the default snack provided by Chaplin's, Societies, Departments, etc for the next week.

Of course, once the clock ticks past midnight at the end of term, half the college will immediately bugger off; but before you do, I invite you to play a game. Place your bets! Place your bets! Who’s gonna get injured at Val Thornes? There’s always one and it isn’t usually from skiing!

For the rest of us staying, I’m sure our brave society committees are sacrificing their degrees as you read this to bring out the best this college has to offer (N.B for Socs: just give us lots of free food).

Anyway, whatever your plans are for this winter break (or summer break for those southern hemisphere peeps), I hope you have a wonderful winter celebration of no particular affiliation.

Yours, ~Misha

~ Your Editors

~

Misha “Global” Medvedev Received a court order to stop sending people links to the Arabic + Nightcore version of ‘Somebody that I used to know’.

“Hayden Raymond Ramm”

Turns rabid upon spotting a Terry’s Chocolate Orange.

Contents

News -

Feature Articles -

Food & Drink -

Merchandise -

The Billboard -

Ho-Ho-Horoscopes -

Uh

3-4

5-8

9 10 11 12

~ Your Holly Jolly Writers ~

Amy Freeman Suffered a near fatal wound while bringing you the Mainsbury’s report.

Harry Metrebian A walking encyclopaedia of college traditions. College culture would die without him!

‘London Gatwick’ Nobody really knows what he looks like. That’s just a hyper-realistic mask.

Luke Barratt Believes that finishing last isn’t always a bad thing .

Ruslan Kotlyarov Enjoys swimming around the Wolfson basement.

Agnijo Banerjee Recently transcended to become a Sudoku God.

[Bloopers

- Cover Photo“St. Nick caught on the Wren roof red handed”

Taken by Misha Medvedev feat. Max Wong: Wren Library, Trinity College

on Page 4]

oh, they’re all under the Mistletoe!

This Week’s Headlines

We prefer the term “Faux News”

11,780 Mail-in votes for RON appear in the last hour of voting

The results of the TSCU Presidential (and others) election are in! RON has won by a landslide after being behind in the polls for the entire race. Candidates are claiming fraud; however, Travisty must stress that there is no evidence to support this ridiculous claim. In unrelated news, Travisty has been purchased by Gazprom for a pint and a packet of Monster Munch.

‘Build-a-Hotdog is Dead!’

Hustings came to a head when our Junior Steward candidate proudly declared an end to the era of Glizzys for Saturday lunch. Hands were immediately raised around the room; the silent majority provoked into a final defence of their favourite Frankfurter-based luncheon. The consequences of this bold statement are yet to be seen.

Trinity gym rebrands as a sauna

After facing criticism for the quality of ventilation at the gym, College has decided to rebrand the building as the Old Fields Sauna. 'We are excited to announce that the weights room in the gym is now legally a sauna. The temperature reaches 60C when in use, and it can even double up as a steam room when the rowers arrive,' a press statement reads. 'We are pleased to see the gym full of beefy, sweaty men, grunting away as they bend over, squat and get down on their hands and knees. We are also introducing a dark room where those more selfconscious about their bodies can get jacked anonymously.' [Editor: I think this is the wrong kind of sauna?]

Trinity College Football team to replace Argentina in Qatar World Cup

In a shocking turn of events, FIFA made the drastic decision to pull the South American team from the tournament. “We couldn’t just sit there and watch a country with such a rich history of football embarrass themselves like that”, a FIFA spokesperson said. With Trinity’s blazing record this term, our undefeated team was clearly the best replacement. Concerns were raised, however, once the team captain came to the realisation that all beer would have to be non-alcoholic, thus going against the club’s religious beliefs.

- All Images from Original Source or Wikimedia Commons -

Your news correspondents for this week are Misha, Luke and Ruslan

Sally spotted bricking up Whewell’s Cellars fire exits

During a riveting TCSU hustings on Tuesday, Trinity history was made. After 476 years of campaigning for the return of the Wolfson Party Room, all candidates agreed: allowing internationals to retain their belongings over the vac prevents the WPR from being used as a party space during Term Time. The new pledge: to convert the Whewell's Cellars into Trinity's bop venue. This writer was sure that such a novel idea which no other TCSU has ever pushed for will win over the College in an instant. However, an anonymous fellow called Willem told this paper that he saw the Master Professor Dame Sally Davies GCB DBE FRS FMedSci bricking up the fire exits to the Whewells' Cellars that night. When confronted with this accusation Sally responded: 'It is vital that we stop the spread of AMR, so remember to wear a condom.' She failed to account for the disparity between the desire for bareback relief amongst the Trinity community and its realisation. What's clear to this reporter is that - for now - all back passages are blocked.

Travisty to sue TrInfo over infringement on Caption CompetitionTM

“It’s no fair, we did it first!” - a Travisty Spokesperson

Cover photo bloopers

TV license goons kidnap unsuspecting fresher

“She only watched one episode of Poldark using her mum’s iPlayer account”, wailed one of her friends through tears. The student (yet to be identified) is believed to have been crossing over to Whewell’s when a white van (aerial attached) pulled onto the cobbles and swiped her away. College is providing their condolences; however, TVL.co.uk seem to be well above their authority.

St John’s targets civilian infrastructure, Trinity invokes Article 5

In response to numerous acts of aggression, including the deployment of a cannon on Fellows’ Bowling Green and attempts by the Travesty editors to smuggle in explosives, St John’s College has launched a pre-emptive strike on Trinity. An investigation confirmed that St. John’s covertly introduced changes to the Masterplan, converting the Wolfson party room into a pool effective immediately. To follow sustainability goals, the pool water had to be used lightly by the residents before. St. John's has continued to push the false justification that because the first Masters of Trinity were members of their college, they should maintain an overlordship on us. The Trinity Fellows were quick to respond (for once), instructing our powerful oar-driven fleet to ram any Lady Margaret vessel on sight. We will update you as reports of the first collisions continue to come in.

A huge thank you to Stephen, Katie, Monika, the Junior Bursar and Adrian for making this happen! This project was great fun and the result is something we are really proud of.

Santa pondering the great questions in life

Santa investigates the Wren’s capacity as a runway

Feature Articles

Santa is a Trinity Alumnus?

Our secret reporter ‘London’ strikes again with another shocking revelation

The question has often been asked: what do the people in the Wren Library actually do all day? To the untrained eye, it would appear that all they do is pore over the same musty, dusty, mutually indistinguishable antique books, and that on the few occasions they raise their heads to an angle greater than ninety degrees, it is for the sole purpose of unleashing a purposefully violent glare on chattering students or gawking tourists. But Wren Library researchers recently proved their worth by making the most shocking of Bridgemas discoveries: in the matriculation book for the year 1850, there is an entry under the name of ‘Santa Claus.’

That’s right. Santa Claus is, in fact, a former student of Trinity College, Cambridge; and if his supervisor reports are anything to go by, not a very good one, at that. Because despite his enrolment as a theology student, Santa’s behaviour was anything but Christian. One supervisor report, from December 1850, reads as follows: ‘I am afraid to report that Mr. Claus is quite the worst student I have ever taught at the undergraduate level. He is idle, slovenly and has the most appalling personal habits. Only last week, he arrived at one of his supervisions brandishing a bottle of whisky and a sack of carrots, upon which he proceeded to gorge himself during our discussion of the Song of Songs. He virtually never completes work on time, and when he does, what little he produces is of the most awful quality. In his first essay, he argued that the snake in the Garden of Eden serves as a metaphor for onanism, invoking an idiom popular amongst undergraduates which I believe makes inexplicable reference to a “one-eyed snake”; regardless, I shall not reproduce it here. At our next supervision, when I asked to see his most recent essay, he presented me with a blank sheet of paper. When I ventured to suggest that blank sheets of paper do not qualify as essays, he castigated me for my inability to read invisible ink. He then refused to do any reading, let alone write another essay, for the next three weeks, meaning our supervisions were spent in silent contemplation of my office walls. When, at long last, he did produce another essay, he wrote it in braille, complaining that he had been rendered temporarily blind by a phenomenon known as “week five blues.” And when I am not worried about his work, I am worried about his physical health: because the plain truth is that Mr. Claus has ballooned in size over the course of the last term; a development to which I feel his gluttonous ways may well have contributed. He has become noticeably redder of cheek lately and, furthermore, has neither washed nor shaved since arriving in college. In conclusion, Mr. Claus is repugnant to me in every possible way: physically, morally and intellectually. If he carries on like this next term, I am afraid we shall have no choice but to send him down.’

Faced with expulsion, Santa had reached a critical juncture. Casting about for one last, desperate throw of the dice, he knew what he had to do. At the start of the Christmas vacation, Santa submitted an application for the Dunlevie Fund in which he stated his desire to perform missionary work in Africa over the winter break. Astounded by his sudden change of heart, and wishing to encourage his apparent moral reformation, his supervisor seconded his application and, sure enough, his request for funding was granted. But alas, Santa’s motives were not as pure as they seemed. Once in possession of the Dunlevie Fund money, he used it not to go to Africa to perform missionary work, but instead to move to the North Pole, where he bought eight flying reindeer, an unidentified number of elves, and gifts for every child in the world. That very Christmas of 1850, he went on his first global tour; and it is surely no coincidence that it was only in the mid-nineteenth century that popular depictions of Santa with the red clothing, the silly hat, the enormous beer belly, the great white beard emerged in their modern form. All Santa asked in return was that recipients of his gifts supply him with whisky fuel for his alcoholism and carrots some for him, some for his reindeer. And while we cannot endorse Santa’s fraudulent application for Dunlevie Fund money, we can at least celebrate the fact that at long last, this once-wayward student of Trinity College managed to find his niche. Let us hope, this Bridgemas, that a similarly hopeful fate awaits us all.

Father Christmas’s Pigeonhole

Amy provides an insight into the spam you flood daddy Crimbo’s dms with

Dear Father Christmas,

This year I’ve decided I really need to remind everyone that I’m an English lit student. My extensive tote bag collection already features both the Daunt books emblazoned one, and the limited edition Northanger Abbey that I sought out when I realised that the Pride and Prejudice one wasn’t quite pretentious enough. My tote game is admittedly strong, but I have a nagging fear that it’s doing a bit too much of the heavy lifting. I can’t help but feel slightly underdressed next to everyone else on the Sidgwick site. The law students are always so effortlessly corporate and put together looking. The history department seems to have a unending supply of funky trousers and knitwear combinations. The HSPS lot is recognisable by their ever changing but reliably bright hair colours that make me feel bland and uncreative. What good is that for an aspiring novelist? But my main concern is that I only have Doc Marten boots. I need the shoes to truly feel that I’m not a poser. Burgundy with platforms please!

Kind regards,

An *Arts* Student

To Father Christmas,

I really enjoyed the Complete Box Set of Philosophy that I got last year. I started with Aristotle, and by the time I’d got to the metaphysics of Saul Kripke I knew I’d never see the world in the same way again. I’ve read the one on Heidegger twice. All in all, though you may have gifted me mere paper, you truly granted me a near comprehensive understanding of all the thoughts that have ever been thought.

I’m not doing the right degree to be writing to a supernatural being who’s able to receive and engage with every request made of him. I’d be doing theology if I wanted to deal with something like that! But I guess you could call me desperate. Having read all the

thoughts of everyone who’s come before me, it leaves me wondering whether there could possibly be anything left for me for me to think about. Of course, that’s very close to a reflection that someone – I’m trying to remember who – reflected in the 15th century. But I digress. Please, metaphysical gift-giver, give me an original thought.

can I have some Lego please? i’ve already got most of lego city, but I really want the supersonic jet –helicopter – powerboat three in one set.

thank you daddy average engineer.

I need to think, I need to be. Philosophising.

dear mr santa claus,

Feature Articles

Dear St Nick,

Since you gave me perfect pitch last year, I’ve tried hard to remain on my best behaviour. I’ve practised my scales, joined three new ensembles, and spent so long in the practice rooms I almost forgot about choir rehearsal. I’ve even refrained from telling everyone that I have perfect pitch. What I’m really trying to say is that I’ve tried to remain on the ‘good list’ – I’m a people pleaser at the end of the day.

This might be why I can’t shake the feeling that I never will be good enough, especially not to please my viola teacher. Every time I open YouTube there’s another child prodigy who was born shortly after I did my grade 8 exam and has already got a repertoire slightly broader than mine. Not only are they more talented, they’re also more endearing, and more employable than I can ever hope to be. The worst thing is that my parents would probably agree.

Therefore, if it’s not too much to ask, could I please have a more secure sense of self-worth? My copy of Bach’s Cello Concerto (for viola) is also a bit battered so a fresh copy would be much appreciated too.

Yours,

A miserable music student :(

Dear Father Christmas,

All I want for Christmas is a miracle.

I have 9am lectures every day except Sunday, and the more I miss the more I have to catch up on. It takes me longer to pre-read the lecture notes than it does to sit through the lecture, and even after both I still don’t know what’s going on. Every week I have thirty contact hours, a multiplicity of problem sheets and essays and my parents still wish I was doing medicine. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t behind, and I can’t imagine ever catching up.

Please, this is a cry for help. Burnt out bio-natsci

Mr X-Mas

(Editor’s Note: here we see a mathmo who promptly got distracted attempting to ascertain the linear relationship between x and mas. Although he had plotted it on a graph within three hours, he was subsequently waylaid by converting x/mas into a decimal, and other such things that a maths degree (probably doesn’t) seek to teach you. He is expected to realise the passing of time about the same time that he gets forcibly removed by the porters three days after his licence to occupy ends)

Each 4x4 box, row and column contains the characters ABCDEF0123456789 exactly once. Send

The Mainsbury’s Correspondence

Amy puts her own life on the line to provide you the hard-hitting, factual reporting you deserve

Caving to long-standing and increasing pressure to justify Travisty’s budget and at least masquerade as a respectable publication, we introduce our news correspondent: (just about a)live from Sainsbury's.

It’s 8.30pm and the busiest time in Sidney Street Sainsbury’s. The fairtrade (but non-organic) bananas have almost entirely flown off the shelves, there’s an eclectic range of puffer jackets present in the queue for the self-service checkouts, and the only oranges left are either bruised, a bit too yellow, or unreasonably expensive. But the fruit aisle is just a backdrop for the real story: tonight, having failed to develop a personality or coherent sense of humour I’m reporting from the Christmas Aisle.

It's a location that doesn’t always get the limelight. It’s located between the vodka and the aforementioned bananas, a motorway with junctions off to the assorted aisles of baked beans, bagels, and breakfast cereals. As a rule, people don’t take the motorway for the stunning roadside views, and the Christmas aisle is the longstanding victim of this.

But what a view! There’s every seasonal product the heart could desire: giant Ferrero Rochers filled with mini Ferrero Rochers, decorative napkins, and six different selection boxes of crackers. It’s a telling reminder that capitalism very much does breed innovation, and this is most evident in the Jacobs HQ. It’s worth lingering to fully appreciate the array, and the absence of trollies can be appreciated for

preventing a Suez Canal sort of incident.

But the real story and reason for this reportage lies in the number of chocolate oranges that Sainsbury’s could be selling, were they not £1.95. Orange infused, enshrouding a flaky imitation of the white irritating centre string, and wrapped in enticing orange foil: what’s not to love – except of course for the fact that they cost nearly £2, and haven’t been on sale once in the last seven weeks. They could be flying off the shelves, but instead they’re self-consciously positioned on the bottom one, while the three types of effectively identical shortbread take all the eye-level glory.

It remains to be seen whether Sainsbury’s will rectify this travesty in some capacity: the people want chocolate oranges, and they want them to be on sale. But until then we can rely on the fact that the aisle will annex more of the floorspace, and they might introduce some festive cheese to go with the array of crackers. It's a story (and section) that continues to develop.

Food & Drink

COCKTAIL OF THE WEEK

Harry M. combats the week 8 depression with this holly, jolly cocktail

The Bridgemas Blockbuster (Serves 2)

Not suitable for vegetarians, vegans, or anyone else with a conscience

Ingredients:

-200ml red wine

-A Muller Corner yoghurt

-100g butter

-100ml brandy

-3 pigs in blankets

-2 sprigs of holly

-A partridge in a pear tree

Instructions:

(1) Pour the wine into a large bowl, empty the Muller yoghurt into the wine, and whisk until the ingredients are evenly mixed. Congratulations, you have made mulled wine!

(2) Place the butter in a roasting tin and heat it in the oven at low temperature until it has melted.

(3) Take the butter out of the oven, pour it into a small bowl and add the brandy. Leave the contents to cool down.

3 ways to improve your instant noodles

1) Laoganma Crispy Chilli in Oil: honestly, if the CCP just exported this for free for a few months, we’d have a reverse opium war on our hands. This stuff is too addictive!

2) MSG: just more MSG, you can never have too much!

3) Crispy Pork: first buy a flattop cooker. Next marinate small pork belly cubes for 24 hours in honey, teriyaki, Chinese 5 spice and Prague Powder #1. Finally cook until a crispy outer layer forms. Serve atop noodles.

(4) Remove the blankets from the pigs, and then kill them if they are not already dead.

(5) Chop up the dead pigs into bacon and small sausages. Wrap a piece of bacon around each sausage and cook for 35 minutes at 190°C, or 190 minutes at 35°C if you have a deadline in the next couple of hours.

(6) The mixture in the small bowl should solidify into brandy butter. Just before the sausages are cooked, add this to the mulled wine in the large bowl.

(7) Throw the cooked sausages into the large bowl, along with a pear from the tree (and, optionally, the partridge).

(8) Use a pestle and mortar to crush the solid contents of the bowl until the mixture has the consistency of a mediocre homemade smoothie.

(9) Serve into 2 glasses, one for yourself and one for your partner, garnishing each one with a sprig of holly. If you don’t have a partner, that’s not a problem: just imagine you have one, pour a second glass anyway, then listen to “ceilings” by Lizzy McAlpine and weep.

Ye Olde Travisty Christmas Shoppe

Contact Misha for all purchases [all transactions to be made in silver or gold pieces]

TOP TRUMPS: Trinity Fellows Edition Magpie & Stump: His Majesty the Bird Plushie

£6

All your favourite Fellows are here! Pitch them against one another in the ultimate card game. Who has the most papers published? Who takes on the most supervisees? Watch out, my card has a Fields medal!

Newton’s Cradle

Only £18!

Proof

£20

[Unavailable]

Due to: ‘Lack of student interest’

CAM-Cards

£25

Barrel of Trinity Port

£45

For when one bottle isn’t enough!

Now extra itchy!

£250,000 $1,000,000.01

Various levels of access for sale:

- Fellows’ Parlour [£40]

- College Wine Cellars [£75]

- Great Court S [£5]

- All Study/Supo Rooms [£25]

- The Master-Card [£150]

Principia Mathematica

Our good friend Kwasi Kwarteng has created some get out of taxes free cards. Hurry while stocks last! He could only print so many while in office.

Complete St. John’s Crockery Set

£50

Take the meaning of disposable plates to another level!

A Single Strand of Ludwig Wittenstein’s Hair

£15

5 for £60

It’s basically gamer-girl bathwater but for philosophy students.

1 Copy Available Condition:

Well used £5!

A truly unforgettable Gift!

Great Court Roof Tile FREE!

All weather tested! A timeless design!

[Collection only]

100% Tax Cut

Riemann Hypothesis

Lord By-ho-ron Woolly Jumper

This Bird is no joke!

The Billboard

Solution to last issue’s Sudoku

Wanted! Dead or Alive!

Library serial snack scranner.

Accused of consuming salt & vinegar crisps in our study space. Accused of throwing food around our house of intellect.

Accused of maintaining conversation in our temple of silence.

Reward: a fistful of dollars

Did you vote

Eduardo

Ho-Ho-Horoscopes

Raymond tallies his list to tell you if you’ve been naughty or nice this term

Aries

You’re an Aries, so let’s be honest - you tested positive for pretty much everything at the STI Bop last week. You have enough on your plate as it is, so you’re excused from any predictions in this column.

Taurus

This Bridgemas, your College parents will publicly disown you in Great Court before adopting your greatest College rival in your stead. Broken hearts don’t always mend.

Gemini

As punishment for late supervision work, the Dean’s Committee will sentence you to a holiday of polishing the clockface every day until Christmas. You’ll be released from service when the bell chimes thirteen times.

Cancer

Your crush will finally talk to you in the bar, but only to ask you to move to make room for their friends. Sorry, king.

Leo

We know what you did in the Trin Library. We know why it’s under repair. And we know where you live.

Virgo

That College swap you’re planning on attending this Bridgemas will devolve into a Santa-and-Elves-themed orgy. Good luck with that.

Sagittarius

A punt carrying a squadron of a Johns invasion-cum-landing party (haha “cum”) will claim you as their first casualty, skewering you on their long, hard rods.

Capricorn

Stop having sex in New Courtwe can all hear it.

Aquarius

Libra

Your sugar daddy will give you that £10000 he promised in return for those feet pics, finally. Your parents must be so proud.

Scorpio

Your parents will call to tell you that they’re getting back together this Christmas, but you aren’t invited to the dinner. I hope you like eating instant noodles, alone, in your gyp.

The visions of the Head Porter crawling over your ceiling like the child from Trainspotting every night aren’t just dreams. Don’t close your eyes tonight.

Pisces

SHE EYEEEEES ME LIIIIIIKE A PISCES WHEEEEEEEN I AMMMMM

WEEEEAAAAAAKKKKKKKK (Merry Bridgemas)