Agony Aunt

Whether you’ve banged your knee or your sister, Ruby is here to help

Dear Agony Aunt, will Dunlevie get me a MiG-29?

Assuming Brucie dear does pay tax, he will certainly be contributing to Biden’s $33 billion in military aid to Ukraine, so it is quite possible he will be helping to buy one. If you want to personally own it, you will have to make sure all your supervision work is finished first.

Dear Agony Aunt, I’m thoroughly disappointed by the dick size of people in the library toilets. One of my favourite hobbies is to have a look at what the mathmos are packing when they leave the door open, but they’re just not doing it for me at the moment. How do I encourage some more suitable schlongs to be put on display?

If you want something, go get it. Time to organise a stress-relieving, post-exam orgy in the library toilets. The myriad of schlongs on show will surely reveal at least one suitable specimen. Alternatively, leave a model duck in the toilets. Hating ducks is small dick energy.

Dear Agony Aunt, I’m feeling homesick. Burrell’s is so far away from the main bit of Cambridge, and I feel so invisible. Whenever people walk past me, they either ignore me or point and laugh. I just want to be returned to the M&S trolley section where I belong. PSA to anyone who steals trolleys on a night out: trolleys have feelings too! If you aren’t going to invite your date in for a coffee, at least walk them home.

Dear Agony Aunt, I’m really struggling with work and stressed about exams, what can I do?

Have you considered dropping out?

Dear Agony Aunt, my friends are doing so much better at studying than I am, what can I do?

Have you considered taking them out? � � �

Dear Agony Aunt, my Russian housemate keeps threatening to invade my room, what can I do?

Have all your friends at other colleges put a Trinity flag up in their room.

Dear Agony Aunt, I have a crush on my bedder?

Write a love confession on your bedsheet in post-Thursday Lola’s chunder. Bedders love cleaning, and the extra challenge shows you’ll always make the relationship exciting!

Dear Agony Aunt, Why does everyone keep telling me it’s not okay for a welfare officer to kick ducks?

Because everyone knows swans and geese are the real threat to welfare. If you don’t aim to decapitate a swan with your oar every time you have a rowing outing, you’re part of the welfare problem. I don’t make the rules.

If you have other deep philosophical life questions, feel free to vent to travistytrinity@gmail.com. Your identity will be kept secret among us, and you might just get your question answered in the next issue of Travisty.

Recipe of the Week

Can I kick it? Yes you can!

Roast Duck

INGREDIENTS:

- A duck (quack)

- A foot (whack)

- The power of Cthulhu in all its maleficence

METHOD:

1. Find a duck. Hopefully it is minding its own business outside your room

2. Assume the specific heat capacity of a duck is the same as a rotisserie chicken

3. Kick the duck with a velocity of 3725.95 mph

4. Enjoy a succulent cooked duck. Add spices if necessary

Cocktail of the Week

Eoin putting the bartending book his girlfriend got him to good use

The Tripos Trauma shot

INGREDIENTS:

- Your birthday alcohol (instructions below)

- 2 sheets of A4 paper

- A suitable glass that you’ve washed in the last 2 weeks

- A biro to stir

METHOD:

1. In the alcohol aisle in Mainsburys’, start at the end by the bakery, and take the same number of steps down the aisle as the day of the month of your birthday. Then if your birthday is January-May, pick something on the bottom aisle, June-August, middle 3 aisles respectively, September-November, top aisle, and if your birthday is in December, you don’t deserve any love so stop making this drink now.

2. Look at your revision plan, cry, and pour some of the bottle into the glass. Look back at your revision, cry, and repeat this process until the whole bottle is empty. Stir with a biro because at this point all your spoons are dirty and you can’t bring yourself to clean them.

3. Blot your tears with the A4 paper you just used for your last past paper, and get back to work, exams are soon.