Travisty #106 - New Year's Edition

The Independent Trinity Newspaper since 2007

Get in on the steamy-beany fun!

[Page 10]

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“New Year, New Me” And other fun jokes you tell yourself, all in this issue of Travisty.

So a new year is upon us; frankly, considering how

eventful the last one was we needed a good break.

Contents News Feature Articles Opinion Puzzles & Games The Billboard Horoscopes -

3 4-6 7 8-9 10-11 12

Now we are back, you can start fulfilling those resolutions (holidays don’t really count). I’m sure you will be in the library 25% more, never missing

~ Your Editors ~

a lecture of course. Perhaps if you really want to achieve your goals, hand a list of them to your DoS. They have a knack for smelling out failure,

Misha “Beefcake” Medvedev —

and negative reinforcement can’t backfire in any

Has committed to bulking by

way.

consuming at least 2 packs of Sains’s Caramel & Milk Choc Cookies a day.

What can we look forward to? Well, dear reader,

Raymond “TP1” Ramm —

apart from the usual Rice Dinner (be nice to your

Recently murdered 15 Freshers for

Professors), Bumps, summer garden parties, the

talking above 60dB in the Library.

collapse of the Government, May Ball and beyond, it looks to be a relatively quiet year, at least as far

as planned events go. If you are a Royalist, there’s

~ Your Refreshed Writers ~

the Coronation (please don’t make me eat Coronation Chicken). But even for the Roundheads amongst us, I’m sure something interesting will happen. With inflation at an historic high and Putin huffing more Copium than should be physically possible, we are on what I call the ‘somewhat funny’ part of the curve before everything truly goes to shit. So sit

back and have a chuckle before Cambridge gets flattened one way or another.

Harry Metrebian — Has been convincing ChatGPT that ending the human race isn’t such a bad idea.

‘London Gatwick’ — Plans to continue his late night Wolfson fire alarm tests, starting next week. Go thank him for protecting everyone in the building.

Agnijo Banerjee — His puzzle power is so strong that he can just produce an entirely new type of puzzle from thin air.

~Yours, Misha

- Cover Photo “Anyone fancy Bathtub-brew?”

Taken by Misha Medvedev feat. Misha Bondarenko - Angel Court, Trinity

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Disclaimer: This is a work of satiric fiction. Do not try any stunts, events or other ideas described in this publication at home, college or anywhere else. Injury, death or even a deaning may be a consequence.

#106

News

£0.00 - All it costs is your dignity

This Week’s

Fears over CompSci student redundancy

Headlines

With the advent of Open AI such as ChatGPT, concerns have been raised over the future welfare

Lawsuit with the Onion ongoing since 2007

of our coding peers. The theory goes that the first thing a sentient AI would want to automate is the coding of more AI. Considering GPT already

EXCLUSIVE: Pressure mounts on TCSU as “die-

corrects any user’s script, half of the CompSci’s

hard” students demand the return of ‘Build a

workload is useless. Experts fear that soon these

Hotdog’

students will be floating aimlessly without

In a bold first move, the new President signed the

direction. The College urges you to buddy up with

ordinance stripping the divisive luncheon from the these coders and keep their health up as they menu. Many students were ecstatic at this decision; acclimatise to this new post-stackoverflow world. however, a sizable portion of the college

Missing plastic Cougar accidentally launched on

population has felt alienated, a few of which have

Artemis 1

organised a resistance movement.

“Oopsie poopsie!” -NASA

This so-called ‘Wiener Mafia’ have begun a gorilla

Students to strike in solidarity with the rest of the

war, immediately striking tcsu.net taking the main

country

online hub of our Union down.

With the near-endless worker action taking place over the winter break, many other colleges have decided it is time to bring out the big guns. It started with the Etonian students of St. John’s who

understood that the only way to make Westminster’s heads turn was for the most vital

“This was a deliberate and irresponsible attack on

sector of the economy to refuse to clock into their

our institution”, a TCSU spokesperson said. “We

Classics supervisions. The idea spread like wildfire

were voted in to improve the student experience, and we will not compromise the needs of the many for the stubborn ways of the few!”

Travisty’s investigative team obtained this comment from a Mafia member: “The only reason someone would vote to remove this meal is if they are incapable of building a hotdog!”

Recently, the website went back up; however, fears about another attack hangs heavy in the air with

through other colleges organising from the new headquarters in the King’s Graduate Bar. We will update you with the PM’s statement in due course.

New lent term formal menu to drive 7 different species to extinction “What can I say? It’s a great menu and if I’m honest, something just tastes better if you are the last person on earth eating it!” -Gordon Ramsey Your news correspondent for this week is Misha

the Porters set to DEFCON 2.

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- All Images from Original Source or Wikimedia Commons -

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Feature Articles Sunday 22nd January 2023 When Harry Met Sally An “Interview” with the “Master” Disclaimer: unfortunately we didn’t manage to get hold of the real Dame Sally Davies, so ChatGPT very kindly offered to take her place and answer as she would have done. This transcript has been lightly edited.

Harry: Hello Dame Sally! It's an honour to have you here

Sally: As a language model, I do not have personal opinions

with us today.

or preferences, but generally speaking, there have been criticisms of the UK government's early response to the

Sally: Thank you, Harry. It's my pleasure to be here.

pandemic in areas such as preparedness, testing and contact tracing, and communication with the public. Some experts

Harry: OK, let’s start with an easy question. What made you

have called for more testing, early and consistent

decide to apply for Master?

communication of information to the public, and clearer messaging on guidelines and restrictions. Additionally, there

Sally: I was drawn to the opportunity to lead one of the

have been criticisms of the government's handling of care

world's most prestigious academic institutions and to be part

homes, as well as their procurement of personal protective

of its continued success. I was also excited by the prospect of

equipment.

working with the talented students, faculty, and staff at Trinity, as well as contributing to the wider University of

Harry: But you aren't a language model, you're Dame Sally

Cambridge community. Additionally, I believe that my

Davies! Admit it, you think you'd have done a better job than

experience as a medical doctor and a senior leader in the

Chris Whitty, right?

NHS, as well as my experience in the field of public health and my commitment to improving health and healthcare,

Sally: While I am not currently serving as the Chief Medical

would be valuable assets to Trinity.

Officer, I cannot comment on the specific decisions that were made – oh, okay, yes. My grandma’s dog could have done a

Harry: And of course you had no idea how relevant your

better job than Chris Whitty. Just look at how much better

experience with the NHS would become, as the Covid

Trinity handled the pandemic than the UK as a whole.

pandemic began in your first year as Master. Had it started only a few months earlier, you would have been in Chris Whitty's position. What did you make of the UK

Harry: Hmmm, I’m not sure about that, but let’s move on. If you could have a superpower, what would it be?

government's early responses to the pandemic?

Sally: I would likely say that my superpower would be the Sally: The early responses of the UK government were

ability to improve health and healthcare globally. I have

complex and required balancing multiple competing

dedicated my career to improving the health and well-being

priorities. While there may be areas where things could have

of individuals and communities, and having a superpower

been handled differently, I believe that overall, the

that could help me achieve this goal on a larger scale would

government's efforts to respond to the crisis were well-

be incredibly valuable.

intentioned and based on the best available information at

the time.

Harry: Wow, great answer! But how would that superpower work in practice? Do you just snap your fingers and then

Harry: Could you be more specific? What do you think

suddenly there is no more cancer?

should have been done differently? There's no need to be diplomatic: no-one reads Travisty, so you can spill all the tea

Sally: My superpower would not be as simple as snapping

you like and no-one in the media is ever going to find out.

my fingers to eliminate a complex issue such as cancer or any other diseases. It would involve the ability to bring together

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Feature Articles

£0.00 - All it costs is your dignity

and mobilize resources and expertise on a global scale to

Sally: I would choose option 2. While option 1 is tempting, it is important to consider the long-term implications and potential consequences of such a decision. With option 2, we can ensure that a cure for cancer is developed in a responsible and sustainable manner, with proper research, experimentation and testing to guarantee safety and efficacy.

Additionally, it would help to ensure that any new treatments or cures are accessible to all who need them, regardless of where they live or their socioeconomic status.

Furthermore, it would ensure that the benefits of these advances are sustainable, and that we don't face other unknown problems in the future.

tackle major health challenges such as cancer. This could include utilizing cutting-edge research, fostering international collaboration, and providing resources and support for the development of new treatments and cures.

Additionally, it would involve working to ensure that the benefits of these advancements are accessible to all, regardless of where they live or their socioeconomic status.

Harry: Hang on a minute. You're telling me that you'd have thousands of scientists work extremely hard for years, with people dying all the while, rather than just eliminating cancer

Harry: But what about all the people that die of cancer in the years before the cure is available? If you chose Option 1, those people would survive.

with a snap of your fingers?

Sally: I understand that the idea of eliminating a complex and devastating disease like cancer with a snap of my fingers

Sally: I understand that the immediate elimination of cancer

is a tempting one. However, it is important to remember that

with a snap of my fingers would save lives in the short term.

the development of new treatments and cures is a complex

However, it is possible that eliminating cancer without

and ongoing process that involves a significant amount of

proper research and understanding of the disease could lead

scientific research, experimentation, and testing. It also

to unintended consequences, such as the emergence of new

requires the collaboration of many different experts and

diseases or the development of cancer resistance.

organizations working together, and it is a process that takes

Additionally, there are ethical considerations to take into

time. Additionally, it is important to ensure that any new

account, such as the rights of individuals to make their own

treatments or cures are safe, effective, and accessible to all

medical decisions and the importance of informed consent. It

who need them.

is also important to consider the impact on the medical and research community, who would lose the opportunity to

Harry: But the whole point of having the superpower is that

study and learn from the disease, which would ultimately

we wouldn't have to worry about all of those complex issues!

hinder our understanding and ability to prevent and treat it

Why would you need to carry out clinical trials if cancer

in the future. While it is a difficult decision, I believe that it is

doesn't exist anymore?

important to work towards finding a safe and effective cure for cancer that is widely available, while also providing the

Sally: I understand the appeal of having a superpower that

best possible care and support to those who are currently

would eliminate diseases like cancer instantly. However, in

living with cancer.

reality, it is not that simple. The development of new treatments–[Harry Interrupts]

Harry: I’m not sure why we would need to worry about our ability to treat cancer when cancer has been eliminated, but

Harry: I'm not asking about reality! Of course I know

I’m not a medic so I’ll have to trust what you say. Let’s do

superpowers don't actually exist. Forget about all the real-

some quickfire questions now. Short, snappy answers please.

world difficulties. You have a choice. Option 1: you snap

First off: should pineapple be allowed on pizza?

your fingers and there is no more cancer, for anyone, ever.

Option 2: you can guarantee that within 20 years there will be a safe and effective cure for cancer that is widely available.

Which option would you choose?

Sally: As the Master of Trinity, I do not have personal preferences when it comes to food, but it is a matter of personal taste. Some people may enjoy pineapple on pizza while others may not.

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Feature Articles

Sunday 22nd January 2023

Harry: Why does the Master of Trinity not have food

Harry: Travisty certainly has a lot of critical thinking and

preferences? It's not like you're some robot.

discussion of important issues.

Would you rather

fight a duck-sized horse or 100 horse-sized ducks?

Sally: I apologize for any confusion. As a person, I do have personal preferences when it comes to food, just like any

Sally: We're no strangers to love

other person. However, as a language model, I am not able to You know the rules and so do I have personal preferences because my responses are

A full commitment's what I'm thinking of

generated based on patterns in the text that I've been trained

You wouldn't get this from any other guy

on. In the context of this question, my previous answer was a

I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling

general response about the matter being a matter of personal

Gotta make you understand

taste.

Never gonna give you up Harry: So, as a person, what is your opinion about pineapple

Never gonna let you down

on pizza?

Never gonna run around and desert you Never gonna make you cry

Sally: It is an abomination and should be banned worldwide. Never gonna say goodbye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you Harry: OK, next question. Fuck, marry, kill: Ryan Gosling, Adam Driver, Harry Styles.

Harry:

Sally: Can I marry all three of them?

Harry: Last question. Where is the key to the Trinity wine cellars?

Harry: That isn’t how it works, but sure. Just remember to check with your husband first. Ah, the next question’s a

Sally: [REDACTED – CONTENT OFFENSIVE TO

tough one: have you ever read Travisty?

GERMANS, CHELSEA FANS AND PEOPLE UNDER THE AGE OF 26]

Sally: I have not read Travisty, but I do believe that satire is an important part of a healthy academic and intellectual

Harry: Thanks, that’ll be very helpful! And thank you so

community, as it allows for critical thinking and open

much for your time, it’s been wonderful to speak to you.

discussion of important issues.

Sally: You’re more than welcome! It’s been a real pleasure.

There has never been a

better time to join Travisty!

7pm Mon 23rd: Lower JCR

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#106

Reviews Film reviews for stressed, cynical students— Avatar: The Way of Water ‘London Gatwick’ burns down the Tree of Life out of pure spite in this scathing review.

£0.00 - All it costs is your dignity

tickets to Avatar actually lived to see the ending.

Not because they left halfway through, out of sheer boredom—though they would have been perfectly entitled to do so—but because they literally died in their seats, internal organs caught in the blast radius of their ruptured bladder. An unpleasant image? Don’t blame me, blame James Cameron.

That man has blood on his hands.

If you’re going to make a film so long people spontaneously combust in the middle of it, at least make it good. Make it really, really good. The last Lord of the Rings movie is longer than a very long marathon, but despite all that weird rolling around in bed towards the end, it somehow manages to earn every minute, every second, of its bloated runtime. Not so Avatar.

Humanity is beyond saving.

‘Humanity’s beyond saving? What’s he on about?

Oh, I get it. He’s talking about Ukraine, inflation, gas prices, climate change—that sort of thing.

Right?’

No, I’m not. Don’t get me wrong. Ukraine, inflation, gas prices and climate change are all part of the reason humanity is beyond saving. But they’re not the main reason. Not even close. For incontrovertible evidence that humanity is doomed, look no further than the runaway success of the new Avatar film, poetically subtitled The Way of Water.

It’s not even a film. It’s just an extended videogame cutscene. Ninety percent of it is CGI. When I go to the cinema, I want to see people, real, living, breathing people, with human heads, human faces, human hair, human eyes, human limbs and, above What does it say about us as a species that the most all, human emotions—not a bunch of overgrown popular movie of 2022 was something as Smurfs taking swimming lessons. hopelessly dull, didactic and derivative as Avatar?

Nothing good.

First up, the length. Oh my Christ, the length. No film should last longer than three hours. If you can’t fit the story into three hours, you should be making a TV show, not a movie. And while we’re at it, have some respect for people’s bladders. I’d be surprised if even half the people who bought - Images used under fair use, Copyright: Disney -

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Puzzles & Games

Sunday 22nd January 2023

If only it were as funny as a Smurfs film. Instead, we get a plot even more predictable than the eventual collapse of human civilisation: bad guys want revenge on good guys for perceived slight; bad guys attack good guys; good guys pretend to lose for a bit before finally defeating bad guys. I mean, wow. I’d have been blown away if I hadn’t already seen [insert title of literally any other action film ever made.]

But, come to think of it, maybe I’m the one with the problem; maybe I’m the odd one out and Avatar is actually a great film; maybe I’m the ghost at the feast, the hair on the plate, the horsemeat in the Tesco’s organic chicken breast.

No chance. Don’t look at me. Look in the mirror. If you enjoyed Avatar, you’re part of the problem.

How has it been so successful? At the time of writing, Avatar has grossed $1.7 billion at the global box office—and counting. I can only conclude that humans are such miserable creatures that we will use literally any excuse, even one as bad as Avatar, to escape from the equally miserable world in which we live. Either that or we know it’s a terrible film and are just a bunch of masochists. (Though it’s also worth mentioning the scarily large number of men with a ‘thing’ for the Na’vi, utterly sexless yet weirdly sexy. Apparently.

Not that I’d know.)

Sudoku Rules Each 4x4 box, row and column contains the characters ABCDEF0123456789 exactly once.

Send your completed solution to travistytrinity@gmail.com—the first to provide a completed solution wins a Travistysubsidized chocolatey prize.

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Puzzles & Games

£0.00 - All it costs is your dignity

Haisu Example

Rules Draw an orthogonal path from S to G, passing through every cell in the grid exactly once. The grid is divided into several rooms. When your path passes over a cell with a number N, it must be the Nth time you have entered the room.

Example puzzle to the right.

Challenge

A Prize for the first correct answer sent to travistytrinity@gmail.com

Caption Competition

Sudoku and Haisu masterminded by Agnijo.

Caption Competition provided by Misha.

Send your caption to: travistytrinity@gmail.com

the funniest wins a prize!

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#106

The Billboard

Sunday 22nd January 2023

Beans

Sip?

Coffee Society!

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#106

The Billboard

£0.00 - All it costs is your dignity

Healthy volunteer students wanted!

Obituary for Sarah Smith

Are you a perfectly healthy student who would like to

She died as she lived...

be an instrumental part of an important experiment?

putting other people’s

Well you are in luck! We want to test what injecting

washing on the floor so she

Uranium 235 into the bloodstream does.

could use the machine.

Participants will be paid £5 for their trouble.

Hacksaw Needed!

My bike lock broke and now I need to steal my own bike from the Cavendish.

This isn’t a joke, it’s a cry for help! ~Misha

Fork Ransom!

This is a call for all Trinity forks to be returned to Hall.

Rat out your friends for money on your college account.

Snitches Get Rewards!

Advertise your business, services, goods or trade opportunities here!

Contact Misha for details to see YOUR name in our classifieds!

We can’t survive without the revenue.

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#106

Horoscopes

Sunday 22nd January 2023

Misha spent society money on a crystal ball just so we can predict with higher accuracy.

Aries Trin-Wifi will prioritise your laptop for the next month. Use this good fortune to secure a stable connection in the Library.

Taurus You will start dating two people simultaneously. Upon discovering the other person they will both reveal they only wanted you for the May Ball ticket. They will then ditch you for each other.

Gemini Due to Saturn’s alignment, your luck has run out. Prepare for reduced Hall portion sizes, washing machines eating your RAM card along with other misfortunes. This will wear off in 3 weeks.

Leo Avoid granite at all costs.

I cannot say why, but you have to trust me on this one.

Capricorn Mercury and Jupiter will align in Virgo a way not seen since April 11th I foresee that you are already 1954. This has the unusual effect behind on lectures. If you do not of making your life extremely catch up by the end of the week, uneventful. Nothing of note will you will be forever behind. occur in your life for the next week. These next few days will Libra be so plain that you would Mars is in your favour. As you entirely forget that they existed should be well aware, this means had it not been for the fact that 2x muscle gains. Hit the Old they were so impressively bland.

Fields gym; this year more than ever is the time to obtain that hot Aquarius boy/girl summer you have been It is your Birthday. longing for.

Collect £10 from each player.

Scorpio Go directly to Dean.

Do not pass GO! Do not collect £200!

Pisces Uranus is unusually large at the moment. This could pose a grave health risk to you. Visit your GP Cancer immediately; the sooner they are You will be struck with a Sagittarius aware of this problem the less tremendous revelation in your You will contact Prof. Hunt about chance something uncurable sleep. If you do not complete the the Great Court light which takes hold. task of restoring ‘Build a Hotdog’ continues to trace your path at then the world as we know it will night. This will lead to a scientific end! investigation, the inconclusive results of which will split the scientific community in two.

Congratulations! You have reached the end.

Hungry for more? Go Online for an endless* catalogue of Travisty Floreat Pica

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