Travisty #106 - New Year's Edition

“New Year, New Me”

And other fun jokes you tell yourself, all in this issue of Travisty.

So a new year is upon us; frankly, considering how eventful the last one was we needed a good break. Now we are back, you can start fulfilling those resolutions (holidays don’t really count). I’m sure you will be in the library 25% more, never missing a lecture of course. Perhaps if you really want to achieve your goals, hand a list of them to your DoS. They have a knack for smelling out failure, and negative reinforcement can’t backfire in any way.

Contents

News -

Feature Articles -

Opinion -

Puzzles & Games -

The Billboard -

Horoscopes -

3 4-6 7 8-9 10-11 12

~ Your Editors ~

Misha “Beefcake” Medvedev

Has committed to bulking by consuming at least 2 packs of Sains’s Caramel & Milk Choc Cookies a day.

What can we look forward to? Well, dear reader, apart from the usual Rice Dinner (be nice to your Professors), Bumps, summer garden parties, the collapse of the Government, May Ball and beyond, it looks to be a relatively quiet year, at least as far as planned events go. If you are a Royalist, there’s the Coronation (please don’t make me eat Coronation Chicken). But even for the Roundheads amongst us, I’m sure something interesting will happen. With inflation at an historic high and Putin huffing more Copium than should be physically possible, we are on what I call the ‘somewhat funny’ part of the curve before everything truly goes to shit. So sit back and have a chuckle before Cambridge gets flattened one way or another.

Raymond “TP1” Ramm

Recently murdered 15 Freshers for talking above 60dB in the Library.

~ Your Refreshed Writers ~

Harry Metrebian Has been convincing ChatGPT that ending the human race isn’t such a bad idea.

‘London Gatwick’ Plans to continue his late night Wolfson fire alarm tests, starting next week. Go thank him for protecting everyone in the building.

Agnijo Banerjee His puzzle power is so strong that he can just produce an entirely new type of puzzle from thin air.

~Yours, Misha

- Cover Photo“Anyone fancy Bathtub-brew?”

Taken by Misha Medvedev feat. Misha Bondarenko - Angel Court, Trinity

This Week’s Headlines

Lawsuit with the Onion ongoing since 2007

EXCLUSIVE: Pressure mounts on TCSU as “diehard” students demand the return of ‘Build a Hotdog’

In a bold first move, the new President signed the ordinance stripping the divisive luncheon from the menu. Many students were ecstatic at this decision; however, a sizable portion of the college population has felt alienated, a few of which have organised a resistance movement. This so-called ‘Wiener Mafia’ have begun a gorilla war, immediately striking tcsu.net taking the main online hub of our Union down.

Fears over CompSci student redundancy

With the advent of Open AI such as ChatGPT, concerns have been raised over the future welfare of our coding peers. The theory goes that the first thing a sentient AI would want to automate is the coding of more AI. Considering GPT already corrects any user’s script, half of the CompSci’s workload is useless. Experts fear that soon these students will be floating aimlessly without direction. The College urges you to buddy up with these coders and keep their health up as they acclimatise to this new post-stackoverflow world. Missing plastic Cougar accidentally launched on Artemis 1

“Oopsie poopsie!” -NASA

Students to strike in solidarity with the rest of the country

“This was a deliberate and irresponsible attack on our institution”, a TCSU spokesperson said. “We were voted in to improve the student experience, and we will not compromise the needs of the many for the stubborn ways of the few!”

Travisty’s investigative team obtained this comment from a Mafia member: “The only reason someone would vote to remove this meal is if they are incapable of building a hotdog!”

Recently, the website went back up; however, fears about another attack hangs heavy in the air with the Porters set to DEFCON 2.

With the near-endless worker action taking place over the winter break, many other colleges have decided it is time to bring out the big guns. It started with the Etonian students of St. John’s who understood that the only way to make Westminster’s heads turn was for the most vital sector of the economy to refuse to clock into their Classics supervisions. The idea spread like wildfire through other colleges organising from the new headquarters in the King’s Graduate Bar. We will update you with the PM’s statement in due course.

New lent term formal menu to drive 7 different species to extinction

“What can I say? It’s a great menu and if I’m honest, something just tastes better if you are the last person on earth eating it!” -Gordon Ramsey

When Harry Met Sally

An “Interview” with the “Master”

Disclaimer: unfortunately we didn’t manage to get hold of the real Dame Sally Davies, so ChatGPT very kindly offered to take her place and answer as she would have done. This transcript has been lightly edited.

Harry: Hello Dame Sally! It's an honour to have you here with us today.

Sally: Thank you, Harry. It's my pleasure to be here.

Harry: OK, let’s start with an easy question. What made you decide to apply for Master?

Sally: I was drawn to the opportunity to lead one of the world's most prestigious academic institutions and to be part of its continued success. I was also excited by the prospect of working with the talented students, faculty, and staff at Trinity, as well as contributing to the wider University of Cambridge community. Additionally, I believe that my experience as a medical doctor and a senior leader in the NHS, as well as my experience in the field of public health and my commitment to improving health and healthcare, would be valuable assets to Trinity.

Harry: And of course you had no idea how relevant your experience with the NHS would become, as the Covid pandemic began in your first year as Master. Had it started only a few months earlier, you would have been in Chris Whitty's position. What did you make of the UK government's early responses to the pandemic?

Sally: The early responses of the UK government were complex and required balancing multiple competing priorities. While there may be areas where things could have been handled differently, I believe that overall, the government's efforts to respond to the crisis were wellintentioned and based on the best available information at the time.

Harry: Could you be more specific? What do you think should have been done differently? There's no need to be diplomatic: no-one reads Travisty, so you can spill all the tea you like and no-one in the media is ever going to find out.

Sally: As a language model, I do not have personal opinions or preferences, but generally speaking, there have been criticisms of the UK government's early response to the pandemic in areas such as preparedness, testing and contact tracing, and communication with the public. Some experts have called for more testing, early and consistent communication of information to the public, and clearer messaging on guidelines and restrictions. Additionally, there have been criticisms of the government's handling of care homes, as well as their procurement of personal protective equipment.

Harry: But you aren't a language model, you're Dame Sally Davies! Admit it, you think you'd have done a better job than Chris Whitty, right?

Sally: While I am not currently serving as the Chief Medical Officer, I cannot comment on the specific decisions that were made – oh, okay, yes. My grandma’s dog could have done a better job than Chris Whitty. Just look at how much better Trinity handled the pandemic than the UK as a whole.

Harry: Hmmm, I’m not sure about that, but let’s move on. If you could have a superpower, what would it be?

Sally: I would likely say that my superpower would be the ability to improve health and healthcare globally. I have dedicated my career to improving the health and well-being of individuals and communities, and having a superpower that could help me achieve this goal on a larger scale would be incredibly valuable.

Harry: Wow, great answer! But how would that superpower work in practice? Do you just snap your fingers and then suddenly there is no more cancer?

Sally: My superpower would not be as simple as snapping my fingers to eliminate a complex issue such as cancer or any other diseases. It would involve the ability to bring together

Feature Articles

and mobilize resources and expertise on a global scale to tackle major health challenges such as cancer. This could include utilizing cutting-edge research, fostering international collaboration, and providing resources and support for the development of new treatments and cures. Additionally, it would involve working to ensure that the benefits of these advancements are accessible to all, regardless of where they live or their socioeconomic status.

Harry: Hang on a minute. You're telling me that you'd have thousands of scientists work extremely hard for years, with people dying all the while, rather than just eliminating cancer with a snap of your fingers?

Sally: I understand that the idea of eliminating a complex and devastating disease like cancer with a snap of my fingers is a tempting one. However, it is important to remember that the development of new treatments and cures is a complex and ongoing process that involves a significant amount of scientific research, experimentation, and testing. It also requires the collaboration of many different experts and organizations working together, and it is a process that takes time. Additionally, it is important to ensure that any new treatments or cures are safe, effective, and accessible to all who need them.

Harry: But the whole point of having the superpower is that we wouldn't have to worry about all of those complex issues! Why would you need to carry out clinical trials if cancer doesn't exist anymore?

Sally: I understand the appeal of having a superpower that would eliminate diseases like cancer instantly. However, in reality, it is not that simple. The development of new treatments–[Harry Interrupts]

Harry: I'm not asking about reality! Of course I know superpowers don't actually exist. Forget about all the realworld difficulties. You have a choice. Option 1: you snap your fingers and there is no more cancer, for anyone, ever. Option 2: you can guarantee that within 20 years there will be a safe and effective cure for cancer that is widely available. Which option would you choose?

£0.00 - All it costs is your dignity

Sally: I would choose option 2. While option 1 is tempting, it is important to consider the long-term implications and potential consequences of such a decision. With option 2, we can ensure that a cure for cancer is developed in a responsible and sustainable manner, with proper research, experimentation and testing to guarantee safety and efficacy. Additionally, it would help to ensure that any new treatments or cures are accessible to all who need them, regardless of where they live or their socioeconomic status. Furthermore, it would ensure that the benefits of these advances are sustainable, and that we don't face other unknown problems in the future.

Harry: But what about all the people that die of cancer in the years before the cure is available? If you chose Option 1, those people would survive.

Sally: I understand that the immediate elimination of cancer with a snap of my fingers would save lives in the short term. However, it is possible that eliminating cancer without proper research and understanding of the disease could lead to unintended consequences, such as the emergence of new diseases or the development of cancer resistance. Additionally, there are ethical considerations to take into account, such as the rights of individuals to make their own medical decisions and the importance of informed consent. It is also important to consider the impact on the medical and research community, who would lose the opportunity to study and learn from the disease, which would ultimately hinder our understanding and ability to prevent and treat it in the future. While it is a difficult decision, I believe that it is important to work towards finding a safe and effective cure for cancer that is widely available, while also providing the best possible care and support to those who are currently living with cancer.

Harry: I’m not sure why we would need to worry about our ability to treat cancer when cancer has been eliminated, but I’m not a medic so I’ll have to trust what you say. Let’s do some quickfire questions now. Short, snappy answers please. First off: should pineapple be allowed on pizza?

Sally: As the Master of Trinity, I do not have personal preferences when it comes to food, but it is a matter of personal taste. Some people may enjoy pineapple on pizza while others may not.

Feature Articles

Harry: Why does the Master of Trinity not have food preferences? It's not like you're some robot.

Sally: I apologize for any confusion. As a person, I do have personal preferences when it comes to food, just like any other person. However, as a language model, I am not able to have personal preferences because my responses are generated based on patterns in the text that I've been trained on. In the context of this question, my previous answer was a general response about the matter being a matter of personal taste.

Harry: So, as a person, what is your opinion about pineapple on pizza?

Sally: It is an abomination and should be banned worldwide.

Harry: OK, next question. Fuck, marry, kill: Ryan Gosling, Adam Driver, Harry Styles.

Sally: Can I marry all three of them?

Harry: That isn’t how it works, but sure. Just remember to check with your husband first. Ah, the next question’s a tough one: have you ever read Travisty?

Sally: I have not read Travisty, but I do believe that satire is an important part of a healthy academic and intellectual community, as it allows for critical thinking and open discussion of important issues.

Harry: Travisty certainly has a lot of critical thinking and discussion of important issues. Would you rather fight a duck-sized horse or 100 horse-sized ducks?

Sally: We're no strangers to love You know the rules and so do I A full commitment's what I'm thinking of You wouldn't get this from any other guy I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling

Gotta make you understand

Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down Never gonna run around and desert you Never gonna make you cry

Never gonna say goodbye

Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

Harry: Harry: Last question. Where is the key to the Trinity wine cellars?

Sally: [REDACTED – CONTENT OFFENSIVE TO GERMANS, CHELSEA FANS AND PEOPLE UNDER THE AGE OF 26]

Harry: Thanks, that’ll be very helpful! And thank you so much for your time, it’s been wonderful to speak to you.

Sally: You’re more than welcome! It’s been a real pleasure.

Film reviews for stressed, cynical students— Avatar: The Way of Water

‘London Gatwick’ burns down the Tree of Life out of pure spite in this scathing review.

tickets to Avatar actually lived to see the ending. Not because they left halfway through, out of sheer boredom though they would have been perfectly entitled to do so but because they literally died in their seats, internal organs caught in the blast radius of their ruptured bladder. An unpleasant image? Don’t blame me, blame James Cameron. That man has blood on his hands.

If you’re going to make a film so long people spontaneously combust in the middle of it, at least make it good. Make it really, really good. The last Lord of the Rings movie is longer than a very long marathon, but despite all that weird rolling around in bed towards the end, it somehow manages to earn every minute, every second, of its bloated runtime. Not so Avatar.

Humanity is beyond saving.

‘Humanity’s beyond saving? What’s he on about? Oh, I get it. He’s talking about Ukraine, inflation, gas prices, climate change that sort of thing. Right?’

No, I’m not. Don’t get me wrong. Ukraine, inflation, gas prices and climate change are all part of the reason humanity is beyond saving. But they’re not the main reason. Not even close. For incontrovertible evidence that humanity is doomed, look no further than the runaway success of the new Avatar film, poetically subtitled The Way of Water.

What does it say about us as a species that the most popular movie of 2022 was something as hopelessly dull, didactic and derivative as Avatar? Nothing good.

First up, the length. Oh my Christ, the length. No film should last longer than three hours. If you can’t fit the story into three hours, you should be making a TV show, not a movie. And while we’re at it, have some respect for people’s bladders. I’d be surprised if even half the people who bought

It’s not even a film. It’s just an extended videogame cutscene. Ninety percent of it is CGI. When I go to the cinema, I want to see people, real, living, breathing people, with human heads, human faces, human hair, human eyes, human limbs and, above all, human emotions not a bunch of overgrown Smurfs taking swimming lessons.

If only it were as funny as a Smurfs film. Instead, we get a plot even more predictable than the eventual collapse of human civilisation: bad guys want revenge on good guys for perceived slight; bad guys attack good guys; good guys pretend to lose for a bit before finally defeating bad guys. I mean, wow. I’d have been blown away if I hadn’t already seen [insert title of literally any other action film ever made.]

How has it been so successful? At the time of writing, Avatar has grossed $1.7 billion at the global box office and counting. I can only conclude that humans are such miserable creatures that we will use literally any excuse, even one as bad as Avatar, to escape from the equally miserable world in which we live. Either that or we know it’s a terrible film and are just a bunch of masochists. (Though it’s also worth mentioning the scarily large number of men with a ‘thing’ Na’vi, utterly sexless yet weirdly sexy. Apparently. Not that I’d know.)

Puzzles & Games Sudoku Rules

Each 4x4 box, row and column contains the characters ABCDEF0123456789 exactly once.

Send your completed solution to travistytrinity@gmail.com the first to provide a completed solution wins a Travistysubsidized chocolatey prize.

But, come to think of it, maybe I’m the one with the problem; maybe I’m the odd one out and Avatar is actually a great film; maybe I’m the ghost at the feast, the hair on the plate, the horsemeat in the Tesco’s organic chicken breast.

No chance. Don’t look at me. Look in the mirror. If you enjoyed Avatar, you’re part of the problem.

Puzzles & Games

Haisu Rules

Draw an orthogonal path from S to G, passing through every cell in the grid exactly once. The grid is divided into several rooms. When your path passes over a cell with a number N, it must be the Nth time you have entered the room. Example puzzle to the right.

A Prize for the first correct answer sent to travistytrinity@gmail.com

Caption Competition

Send your caption to: travistytrinity@gmail.com the funniest wins a prize!

Sudoku and Haisu masterminded by Agnijo. Caption Competition provided by Misha.

The Billboard

Obituary for Sarah Smith

She died as she lived... putting other people’s washing on the floor so she could use the machine.

Healthy volunteer students wanted!

Are you a perfectly healthy student who would like to be an instrumental part of an important experiment? Well you are in luck! We want to test what injecting Uranium 235 into the bloodstream does. Participants will be paid £5 for their trouble.

Hacksaw Needed!

My bike lock broke and now I need to steal my own bike from the Cavendish. This isn’t a joke, it’s a cry for help! ~Misha

Fork Ransom!

This is a call for all Trinity forks to be returned to Hall. Rat out your friends for money on your college account.

Snitches Get Rewards!

Advertise your business, services, goods or trade opportunities here!

Contact Misha for details to see YOUR name in our classifieds!

We can’t survive without the revenue.

Aries

Trin-Wifi will prioritise your laptop for the next month. Use this good fortune to secure a stable connection in the Library.

Taurus

You will start dating two people simultaneously. Upon discovering the other person they will both reveal they only wanted you for the May Ball ticket. They will then ditch you for each other.

Gemini

Due to Saturn’s alignment, your luck has run out. Prepare for reduced Hall portion sizes, washing machines eating your RAM card along with other misfortunes. This will wear off in 3 weeks.

Cancer

You will be struck with a tremendous revelation in your sleep. If you do not complete the task of restoring ‘Build a Hotdog’ then the world as we know it will end!

Leo

Avoid granite at all costs. I cannot say why, but you have to trust me on this one.

Virgo

I foresee that you are already behind on lectures. If you do not catch up by the end of the week, you will be forever behind.

Libra

Mars is in your favour. As you should be well aware, this means 2x muscle gains. Hit the Old Fields gym; this year more than ever is the time to obtain that hot boy/girl summer you have been longing for.

Scorpio

Go directly to Dean. Do not pass GO! Do not collect £200!

Sagittarius

You will contact Prof. Hunt about the Great Court light which continues to trace your path at night. This will lead to a scientific investigation, the inconclusive results of which will split the scientific community in two.

Capricorn

Mercury and Jupiter will align in a way not seen since April 11th 1954. This has the unusual effect of making your life extremely uneventful. Nothing of note will occur in your life for the next week. These next few days will be so plain that you would entirely forget that they existed had it not been for the fact that they were so impressively bland.

Aquarius

It is your Birthday. Collect £10 from each player.

Pisces

Uranus is unusually large at the moment. This could pose a grave health risk to you. Visit your GP immediately; the sooner they are aware of this problem the less chance something uncurable takes hold.

Misha spent society money on a crystal ball just so we can predict with higher accuracy.