Travisty 33 - Valentine's 2022 (#98)

Travisty Valentine’s Edition 2022: Cupid Strikes Again!

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“MADE WITH LOVE”

Misha Medvedev Became college dean

is what the napkins at the Heavenly Desserts restaurant next to Christ’s say. Not sure if that only refers to the napkins or the food (which would explain the white chocolate sauce). Either way, would recommend. Ask for Erica.

Alex Zhirnova Has body count

And in a way this St Valentine’s Day Edition is also made with love. Four new writers, more articles than we’ve ever published, an actual group article, and absolutely zero smut. Travisty is here to teach you how to love and be loved (and if that doesn’t work, check out Harry’s article on how to break up and Matthew’s guide to burying a body) (Note to editors: don’t publish that one)

Enjoy. Like, really enjoy, haha.

—Eoin

Meet the writers and (since it is Valentine’s after all) a summary of their last relationship in three words:

Dylan Toh Stole my undies

Ruby Sanders-English Anticlimactic

Hatty Innes ’Twas your mum

Thomas Frith Bold to assume

Francesca Gilks Made him cry

Eoin Walsh Turned her gay

Harry Devlin veni vidi veni

Arun “Ethics” Prabhakar Patrick Bateman moment

Leo Versteegen Prison changed me

Harry Metrebian Flew to Brazil

Lidija Beric Abortionists are expensive

Luiza Aguilar Too much haggis

Matthew Sargent Classic Twins Situation

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Agnijo Banerjee Far too human

2 Cover photo by Misha Medvedev

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Headlines of the Week

However, after an of cial announcement by the Master, the real reason became clear: “Over the past few days, my interactions with students I see across college have been strange. When I said hello, one person grunted and said ‘no’, another screamed and ran away, and one even shouted what I believe was ‘woman moment’, put one arm in the air and tucked his head in his other arm. It became clear that Trinity students, already fragile in their communicative abilities, had completely lost the ability to socialise. I therefore resolved to immediately allow guests as a way of ensuring the Trinity incel community is kept to a suitably low level, say 40%”.

We prefer the term “Faux News”

The Boy from Ipanema All was quiet in Trinity. Too quiet. No one had caught COVID in ages. An update from our mathmo in Rio, Harry Metrebian, revealed why.

From across the Atlantic, “Kerem” was trending in Brazil. Thousands of tweets — what could they be about?

STI rate in Trinity predicted to drop below zero, say experts For most at Trinity, St Valentine is simply another papist sinner, however, a sinful few seek to remember him by holding strange, hedonistic ceremonies, such as going to a nice restaurant with someone of sexual compatibility, before retreating to a bedroom and engaging in mediocre, if at all present, foreplay and a suspiciously short period of coitus. I know, we at Travisty are just as disturbed by such strange decisions.

Our genuinely Brazilian writer, Luiza, had only this to say: “It says I need to create an account to look at these tweets and I’m not doing that, Eoin”. The mystery only deepened.

Could it be The Kerem? Why would he be in Brazil? How many freshers are there? Had Kerem solved South American geopolitics?

Questions, theories and conspiracies whirled around my head. I had to gure this mystery out once and for all. I was going to y to Brazil.

At this moment my girlfriend took pity on me and told me that a simple google search revealed it was just the name of a famous Brazilian actor.

Mystery solved. Unless…

However, experts have concluded that this number is too low to have any impact on STI rates and in fact, they are scheduled to drop below zero in 2 years’ time (data supplied by the same of cial statistician who counted the number of people in 10 Downing Street for the last year).

Guests allowed again at formals As the technologically-able of you will have no doubt realised, Upay is allowing both your personalities you bring a guest to formals. Initial reports that this was a technical glitch, with Trinity refusing to pay Upay another year’s licence fee to keep it at COVID settings.

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Diplomatic crisis as St John’s students line border near North Paddock and the Wren Trinity intel indicates that over the last few months, potentially ~500 St John’s students have been stationed on the edge of the river separating Trinity’s North Paddock and St John’s.

Random headline from the Travisty Archive

This has caused great concern amongst the senior leadership of Trinity, who are in no place to defend against such a force. The cannons that used to point at St John’s were decommissioned in the 1960s and melted down to form an impenetrable door to the Wolfson Party Room.

“The wimmin of Cambridge are a disgrace. They wander through life solely focused on few objectives: acting in a lewd manner with other women, engaging in excessive telegram communication, oscillating their posterior muscles, and speaking vile untruths” -1893

Diplomatic talks are underway, with St John’s making an almost valid point that “we have a bridge to that Paddock that we have to keep locked all the time. No one at Trinity ever uses it. It should be ours”.

Trinity have countered by calling them “wankers with a small endowment” and appealing for aid and weapons from the US government.

Trincest of cially banned Well folks, this is what the elites have taken from us. The one source of joy in our lives. After realising that under lockdown, students were choosing to sleep with each other, Trinity senior leadership decided to abolish the well-known practice of sleeping with your college family.

Porters have reportedly been given baseball bats to bonk students over the head if they are deemed too horny.

(Note to Editors, burn the rest of the archive)

Think you can do better than us? You probably can!

Come to our next writers’ meeting (Monday 21st February) Lower JCR, 7pm Pizza, doughnuts, and various meats and treats provided 100% NOT A SCAM Like our Facebook page, or email us at travistytrinity@gmail.com to subscribe to our mailing list. Or just send us an article with no warning! We’ll take anything.

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Caption Competition

Send your caption into travistytrinity@gmail.com and you could win a special prize!

Last week’s winners: Ben Laurense and Jake O’Brien, who each get an entire Sainsbury’s chocolate cake (now do you want to write into Travisty?!)

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Valentine’s Poems

Limericks, haikus and sonnets to warm your soul and your pants There was a young boy from the Pitt club Who once tried to go to a strip club When he got to the counter He said he wouldn’t mount her Without an ancestry test from a piss cup —Hatty

There once was a virgin named Lydia, Who couldn’t stop spreading Chlamydia; She slept with a fellow, And turned his dick yellow, And captured the whole thing on vidya.

—Arun

There once was a Robinson student Who thought a girlfriend in town would be prudent On revealing this notion And his lack of emotion She dumped him for being impudent —Hatty

There once was a Natsci named Misha, Who made his hoes wish they’d amnesia; But he had no Chlamydia (For that, consult Lydia), So he thought he’d reconquer Rhodesia.

—Arun There once was a rower from Manchester, Who petitioned to dub it ‘Bantchester’; Since she helped write the rst, Of this foul set of verse, Even though nothing else rhymes with Granchester.

—Arun

An Ode to Valentine Shall I compare thee to a supervision essay?

Thou art more scathing and prolonged than any comments my supervisor has to say.

And still the trip to visit thee at John’s when faced with life’s greatest conundrums (‘hey u up’—the long-awaited text) is enough to break up life’s boring humdrum.

Yet every night I know I’ll regret the next, For with more sel sh a lover I’ve never had expeditions!

Nothing romantic, nor intense, scarcely explored; A minute the extent of thine ‘lengthy’ ambitions— Next time I may stoop to a boy from Oxford!

My friends have convinced me to download Tinder, But sadly all matches burn to mere cinders.

—Ruby

There once was a cackler named Matthew, Who told his co-editors “fuck you”; And said “kiss my rump!”

To the Magpie and Stump, And proceeded to quaff a Trin Blue.

—Arun

There was a young man from John’s, Determined to right all life’s wrongs.

‘Valentine’s is dead!

Romance has no cred!’

He mused, as he beat on his schlong —Ruby Shall I compare thee?

Not even to midsummer!

We all have our worth.

—Thomas

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Send your poems into travistytrinity@gmail.com and receive a limited edition perfume

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Ruby and Francesca dig through two years of disappointment to bring you the lowlights of the Trinity dating scene. They remain happily married to their degrees and devoted attendees of Women’s Bible Study.

Wears a college puffer jacket (+1 if with initials).

Uses a Twitch emote in real speech.

Went to Westminster.

Plagiarises a joke from Camfess.

It’s not even a funny Camfess.

Is your college parent.

Leaves early because they have supo work due tomorrow.

You get portered 👀

Talks about rowing … even when you’re already at ‘full slide’.

You both agree to split the bill because #liberalfeminism.

Takes you to a devised play at the Corpus Playroom.

Signet ring glints as they signal for the bill by miming writing a cheque.

Reads you sappy poetry by an esteemed Trinity alumnus. It’s shit.

Takes you to the top oor of Hong Kong Fusion. Based.

Tells you about their Goldman Sachs job lined up for next year.

Not based.

You end up with blue all over you face from a terrible postTrinity blue snog.

Arrives wearing mid-wash skinny jeans with running trainers.

Is a Nat Sci.

Brags about their 2k erg time, even though it’s barely sub-8 minutes.

Explains NFTs to you.

Incorrectly.

Then tells you to invest in crypto.

Asks you if you’re a ‘naughty girl’ after you tell him about your deaning.

Laments the pay gap and then tells you he’s left his card at home, leaving you with the bill.

Buys you Jack’s Gelato. Bonus points if it’s in February.

Brrrrrr

You spend half the date telling them about the supervisor you’ve secretly fancied ever since they gave you the only bit of academic validation you’ve received since coming here.

Goes to ARU. You describe him to your friends as ‘exotic’.

Says he likes that you’re ‘natural’ and that ‘women wear too much makeup nowadays’, even though you’re wearing a full face.

You realise in the cold uorescent light of Hong Kong Fusion that Byron’s love life bears zero resemblance to that of any Trinity student since. You’re not sure if this is a bad thing.

You get sharked —it’s okay, bestie: there are plenty more Kerems in the sea.

You laugh at the Trinity Complimen2s about the unacceptability of dating in college, whilst both secretly believing it to be true.

Brings their own Huel and doesn’t order anything.

Has a Huel moustache for the rest of the evening.

You stand him up after you realise he lives in Burrell’s Field.

Ghosts you and then sends you a Union hack message three months later.

Says ‘amen’ after the Latin grace at formal.

Calls John Summers a DILF, making you feel decisively inadequate.

You decide to give your heart to Jesus instead. See you at Women’s Bible Study 💖

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Tringo: Date Edition

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Your phones chime simultaneously with your TSCU email noti cations from Outlook— modern romance 😍 You realise sadly that no man will ever compare to RP@T.

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Whether you’ve banged your knee or your sister, Dylan is here to help I want to show my crush that I am an alpha, but my close friends tell me that I’m a textbook beta. What should I do?

There’s nothing wrong with being a beta. In fact, the meeker your crush, the better they will feel when you empower them. That being said, if you still wish to appear intelligent, con dent, and successful, it will help if you actually are intelligent, con dent, and successful. The secret: these traits are subjectively de ned on an arbitrary scale, and the only standards that matter are your romantic interest’s. So try to nd out what they truly value in a companion, and work towards ful lling that role.

TL;DR: don’t get your panties in a bunch over Greek letters.

Someone left a freshly severed boar’s head outside my room. Is this romance or barbarity?

Run. Run as far away as you possibly can. If your suitor is true to their heart, they will hunt you down and ful l your wild fantasies in the woods.

Is it okay to have a mini-orgasm at Evensong?

Consider yourself lucky; many devout followers can only dream of experiencing a momentous divine encounter such as yours. If possible, share the ful lling experience with those around you.

My supervisor often makes fun of me. Is this because they like me or hate me?

More context is most de nitely needed. Statements like “it’s funny how you write your ξ’s” are generally inconclusive, and should be treated as no more than a light jest. Comments like “it’s funny how your work smells like booze” is a not-so-subtle hint that you should get your act together. Remarks like “it’s funny how your hair often falls over your eyes” would suggest some level of non-platonic interest (or psychopathy).

My date keeps mentioning Wordle. How can I tell him that I’m just not interested without seeming like an uneducated snob?

Play the long con. Take some time to internalise 3Blue1Brown’s optimal Wordle strategy, and rack up some experience on the Wordle archive. Meanwhile, feign interest and introduce your date to the plethora of Wordle variants: Dordle, Squardle, Qwrtl, Dif e, Absurdle, Weredle, Queerdle, Lewdle, Nerdle, Primel, and Letterle.

Once distracted, your date will inevitably falter and slip up on the classic daily Wordle. Proceed to outwordle them when they least expect it, and rub it in their sorry face for the rest of the month. #trincomp44 Can we make it more socially acceptable to sleep with people in college please. I hear so much from friends at other colleges but maybe the trinity stereotypes of antisocial behaviour and awkward mathmos are #true :’( I don’t think you should let society dictate your canoodling decisions. Except if your neighbours porter you for heavy moaning deep into the night; spare a thought for them, use gags. The reclusive character and mathmo subculture will probably perpetuate in Trinity for years to come, yet every individual is unique and special in their own way. Don’t be afraid of the emotional walls; as Socrates once said: “Those who are hardest to love, need it the most.” Find someone whose quirks you absolutely adore, and hope that they fancy yours too.

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Agony Aunt

#Camfession25799 Ops on taking atmates food out the communal kitchen?? Like if they cared that much surely they’d keep it in their room??

I too take my atmates’ panties from the communal laundrette; if they cared that much, surely they’d have handwashed them in their room.

Are there any wrong opinions to have in music?

No, but there are certainly right ones. Taylor Swift, Mika, Billie Eilish, Imagine Dragons, Sia, Kodaline, Twenty One Pilots, Olivia Rodrigo, John Mayer, Lizzy McAlpine, …

Also, saying Dm7♭5 and Fm6 are identical is like saying PSL2( 9) and A6 are the same: yes, but who asked?

If you have other deep philosophical life questions, feel free to vent to travistytrinity@gmail.com. Your identity will be kept secret among us, and you might just get your question answered in the next issue of Travisty.

Cocktail of the Week The Lover’s Kiss INGREDIENTS: -

Ice Malibu Passionfruit, the most erotic liquor One drop of your true love’s blood Lemon peel (optional)

METHOD:

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5.

Obtain the drop of blood, preferably through legal means. No stealing cotton from the sanitary bin, and try not to prick them when they’re asleep. Just because you’re used to hearing “it’s just a little prick” before doesn’t mean they should too.

Mix all the ingredients together and add the lemon peel to garnish.

Now the most important step, down the whole thing whilst saying your true love’s name. Bonus points if you choke to death and leave the authorities with some interesting DNA leads.

At precisely that moment, your true love will fall in love with you. Or maybe you might get sepsis. Probably neither of those things. Maybe both.

Finally, look around and realise you shouldn’t have done all this in the Bar in front of everyone.

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Cryptic crossword

Hatty has resurrected the cryptic crossword, her empire will surely last for thousands of years

Across

Down

1—Code for homosexuals that vicar stuck to christenings (2,5,7) 5—(see 1 across) 9—Voila! The French girl (partly French) helps me get an erection (9) 10—Nonsense! To throb inside is not inappropriate (5) 11—Evita’s husband has endless beer (5) 12—Romantic nobleman acquires restaurant chain (4,5) 13—Scoundrel ruins funfair (7) 15—East anglia beauty queen gives up sex, longs for it (6) 18—At rst, eats nothing - to raised eyebrows - even the starter! (6) 19—Stage heartless roast, stiff drink to follow (7) 22—Where you nd the Queen of hearts after beginning correspondences (9) 24—Featuring: the return of Gisela, German royal (5) 26—A little at but pleasing to the ear (5) 27—Love followed by having sex, afterwards subject deletes snapchat in compliance (9) 28—Mumbler is up, remark heard despite the odds (7) 29—Stalin eagerly stems bloodline (7)

1—Sexy stimulus leads to a reckless person (7) 2—Unblocking drain reaching rock bottom (5) 3—Spooner makes long thumbnail with video company to give his lover (9) 4—Messing up with unladylike irtation, one hears (8) 5—Relating to masses of small teeth? (6) 6—Drug abuse treatment made her fall on top of sailor (5) 7—Part of 'Winker' as erotic writing device (3,6) 8—Master is classic controller during sex, penetrating me and others (7) 14—Mishapen feet twisted around is his forming sexual fascination (9) 16—Putting it in made noise, Trin riled up (9) 17—Gutted admirer mishandles delicate anal agreement (4,4) 18—Former girlfriend models, he reveals (7) 20—Playwright yet again takes story to heart (7) 21—Love is more dif cult with a Cockney accent (6) 23—Gets out to explore and gets off to nish (5) 25—Downcast initially, rapper harasses for weed (5)

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Diabolical Sudoku

You can hear Scottish war drums in the base of your skull. It is time. Agnijo has come.

Hint: Tetris

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Word search

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Think

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Things said during sex and a deaning Everyone came together for this

Don't just sit there with your mouth open

Don't make me get the porters

Send your friend in after you

Think of your mother!

Being drunk isn't an excuse

Six people? At the same time? You can’t be serious

You can't say no to this Your tutor should be present for this I'm going to have to ban you from the Balls You need to pay a ne for that performance I'm still confused as to how that bottle got there

Stop crying

You should be on your knees

What do you mean you don't remember?

You'll have to clean all this up now

I'm sorry for being so naughty

Your father should have taught you this

You're too old to be doing this

You have to follow the Master's rules

It won’t work unless you wear your gown

I want you to show some remorse

What's my punishment?

You'll have to vacate your room now

I see this is your rst time

I go hard on medics and lawyers

You know what you did was illegal

Missed an Issue?

Try https://issuu.com/travistytrinity

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TriniHow Recipes:

Valentine’s Cock-a-Noodle Soup, Coq-Au-Vin and T*tties followed by Banana Split and extra Whipped Cream Lidija has surprised us because this was both submitted early and not about TrintErrorSoc. Trigger warning: Potential to lose maidenhood if read out loud. Or too fast. Or not enough.

So. The big day has nally come. The one day of the year where a little more subtlety than the ‘hole-in-one’ method is required. On Valentine’s Day, only through the lady’s stomach will you truly get to know who she is on the inside. Never done this before? Panicking about getting it right? Travisty’s got your **ck. For a foolproof (as yet not quite, couldn’t make it past the main) tried-and-tested three course meal, sure to lead to your desired destination, (and in a luxury vessel), follow the following steps.

Cock-à-Noodle soup 1. Put the pan on 2. Get her waters boiling 3. Shove in your Knorr’s cube of cock stock 4. Noodle it round Coq au vin à la cémen and aux t*tties.

1. First of all, ensure your chicken is moist.

2. Place moist chicken into your oven.

3. Take a bottle of Beaujolais.

4. Pour a glass, drink it.

5. Pour another two glasses, drink them.

6. Then pour the rest into the chicken.

7. Once all the juices are running and mouth-watering smells ood the room, time to serve up.

8. Quick while it’s hot.

Banana split with extra whipped cream 1. Take a can of pre-whipped cream 2. Get out your whip 3. And whip it some more.

4. Then split your banana open 5. Pour in the whipped cream 6. And whip it some more.

Pro tip: For extra spice, why not whip up the meal with your beloved?

Some Reviews (from trusted, reputed, faithful followers of TriniHow for all seven days since its inauguration): The Coq au Vin worked like a dream, so much better than just Coq! Satis ed Customer 1 I would personally start whipping a little earlier than it states in the recipe, and would de nitely recommend the pro tip. She was just riding off it!

Satis ed Customer 2 If anyone could give any tips on how to make sure the recipe works on the Big V-Day, I’d be really grateful. I’m on my fth time trying and can’t help but think I’m missing something. What does ‘noodle it round’ mean, for instance, and why does the chicken need to be moist? Can’t you just shove it in anyway, and get it moist while it’s inside?

Semi-Satis ed Customer 41, recently convicted for playing Harvey Weinstein in a Jimmy Savile Tribute Act, to be broadcast at 3:30pm on CB**bies.

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20 questions to fall in love with anyone

What’s a better way to spend Valentine’s day brunch than accosting strangers in hall? Some call it harassment, but here at Travisty we prefer the term ‘aggressive speed dating’. Alex has cooked you up a list of questions to get your impromptu date doing.

Set 1. Introductions.

1. What’s your name? (Really, it would be quite rude to make someone fall in love with you when you don’t even know their name; you don’t have to introduce yourself, though – that way they can’t complain about you to the Dean) 2. Are those eggs? (If yes, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!) 3. What’s your mother’s name and address? (This should have been a yo mama joke but I actually like you, so I won’t) 4. What’s the most embarrassing moment of your entire life? (You can’t say “right now”) 5. What’s your best excuse to get out of this conversation? (Sike you’re not going anywhere; I’ve tied your shoelaces while you were busy answering the questions) Set 2. Interests.

6. If you could invite any person that ever lived for dinner, who would it be? (One condition: the dinner is Trinity’s breakfast eggs. Yes, I’ve made the same joke twice in one article, what are you going to do about it, Eoin? Fire me?) (Editor’s Note: Worse, I’m going to get as many eggs as I can nd, store them at an unsuitable temperature, and ambush you in Great Court) 7. What’s your favourite part of a butter y? (Mine’s probosis) 8. Is anime an art or a weapon of mass destruction? (Discuss.)

9. Which book in English class traumatised you the most? (I mean seriously, who thought it was a good idea to make a bunch of ten-year-olds read Kensuke’s Kingdom? The poor orangutans… and Kensuke… Sorry, I need a moment, you go rst) 10. If you could say any insult to any person once and get away with it, who would it be and what would you say? (You can’t say “you” and “fuck off ”) Set 3. The Macabre.

11. Do you have a preferred way of death? (If unsure, consult the White Book’s ‘capital punishment’ section) 12. When’s your next essay due? (Scared the shit out of you, didn’t I?) 13. When did you last cry? (This article is so bad I’m crying right now 14. What, if anything, is too serious to joke about? (Our ethics editor doesn’t seem to have a clue) 15. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why? (This is actually a really interesting question that reveals a lot about a person’s character; you thought this was all fun and games?)

Set 4. L*ve.

16. Describe your last relationship in three words. (It better be funnier than the crap we printed on p.2)

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17. Ass or tiddies? (Why not both?)

18. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want? (I like to plan my relationships for the long term) 19. If you had a choice between dating me and dating anyone else in the entire universe, why would you pick me? (Pls say you’d pick me or I’ll cry) 20. Are you going to le an of cial complaint about this conversation or can I ask you out? (You can nd out more about the student complaints procedure at www.trin.cam.ac.uk/ download/code-of-practice-for-student-complaints-pdf/)

Cover bloopers

Misha got Junior Bursared during this photoshoot

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How to nd a partner in Trinity: Practical tips for emotional dunces Francesca shares her tips and tricks for convincing someone to open their heart to you

Humble reader, today I am tackling the question on all our lips and graven deep in all our hearts: How can I get myself into a coveted Trinity x Trinity power couple before the month is up?

Shania Twain, wife of the lesser-known Mark Twain, summed up the Trinitarian dilemma in a single pithy line ‘You’ve got the brains but have you got the touch?’. Bof ns and Brainboxes of Trinity, I see you! Indeed, we are one in the same. You’ve got the smarts, but you’re an emotional dunce, rudderless on the open sea of courtship. Think you’ve got no hope? Well, think again! Follow my guide (below) and nd yourself with more wives than Henry in no time. Armed with my sage wisdom and infallible romantic instincts, I have faith that your hearts (currently as barren and disused as the Wolfson party room) will be soon set alight by the raging res of Trincestuous love! xx

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Send them a love note in Binary Code ❤ …. Psssst…01100101 01110110 01100101 01101110 01110011 01101111 01101110 01100111 00100000 01101100 01100001 01110100 01100101 01110010 00111111 00100000 01111000 01111000 Check the room ballot and go for someone higher than you.

Invite them to one of Ali Smith’s Klassic Kinema viewings – Kute!

Construct a cult of personality around yourself by relentlessly submitting compliments for yourself to Trinity Complimen2s. The collective consciousness will soon be primed to objectify you, and after a few months, you’ll truly seem more attractive... Life imitates art once again!

Ask Mario to teach you some Italian terms of endearment for your beloved.

Speak your beloved’s language! … ask your Engineer about their favourite bridge or if an Economist has your heart, ask them to predict the next recession! When you see your Classicist loitering around the chapel, ash your winning smile and remind them ‘servus est in atriō’ … or quiz your beloved Physicist on Faraday’s law while you’re at the pub. Who could resist one taking such an earnest interest in their passion?

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Steal the mail out of the pidge below yours and then chivalrously return it to its rightful owner – Romantic!

Slough off your Newtonian prudishness and stand nude in the Trinity fountain like Botticelli’s birth of Venus (You’re sure to catch the attention of any eagle-eyed art-historian. They’ll be impressed by your rower’s physique and valuable cache of cultural reference! win, win!)

Ensure you pair up with the beloved for your weekly 8-hour physics lab Ask your supervisor to put you into a break-out room with the beloved for your next zoom seminar - you’re at your best when you’re lightly pixelated!

(Similarly effective with your camera off and microphone muted for the more bashful wooer) Offer to clean their glasses for them – Love needn’t be blind!

Prove your masculinity and devotion by stealing Frank Barker’s bowler hat as a token for your beloved.

Break the ice by making funny anagrams of ‘Alan Windle’ together in the bar Tell them they have Adrian Poole’s twinkly eyes (The lucky recipient will be both touched by such a sincere and speci c compliment and surprised by your easy parlance around sex)

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15. Switch their laptop off in the library to show them your playful side - all work makes Jill a dull girl! They won’t be able to get you out of their head or as they furiously rewrite their dissertation!

16. Loudly proclaim your terrible habits and cantankerous nature around college – Trinitarians love a challenge!

17. In the same vein, why not invent a ctitious lover from Girton? … This will raise your perceived desirability in the beloved’s eyes and trigger the central college urge to prove its dominance over the likes of measly Girton. ‘How can you be with him?’ your beloved will cry, consumed with righteous collegiate ire, ‘Girton is so far away!’ (Well done, humble reader, you’ve played them like a bassoon…We’ll soon be recruiting you for jazz night).

18. Begin a rumour that you in fact broke the JCR pool cue improve your mystique and reputation as a daring rebel (…..Tread carefully with this one if your beloved is the recently deposed Serena Cole, staunch defender of the cues).

Humble reader, I confess this idea did not arise from the rigorous and scholarly machinations of my own mind but sprung forth by chance encounter with a student who confessed to me proudly that he had broken the cue. Ever since this charged moment, I have been eaten up with desire for this subversive gure. Simply put, in our current cultural moment, a cue breaker is a heart breaker.

19. Whittle down the con dence of the woman you desire by calling her a B*mbo whenever she’s headed to the library…. And also when she’s headed anywhere but the library. She’ll melt for your Byronic cruelty and disregard for reason!

20. Ask a ravishing MMLer if they want to watch a Russian propaganda lm with you - ‘Soviet Realism and Chill?’… like a certain Vladimir Lennon in 1919, let them know that your agitprop train is leaving the station and they don’t want to miss it!

21. Play tonsil hockey with the beloved in the middle of the Great Court grass at night. Don’t let Frank Barker catch you!

22. Seduce your supervision partner by doing your supervision reading for once–you’ll even get your degree done in the process!! (A big win for you and your long-suffering DoS).

23. Choose to engage in a heady moment of passion with someone on your course for extra motivation come exam season. It may seem ill-advised to lesser girlbosses, but sleep soundly in the knowledge that you’re playing the long game.

24. Take the beloved to see a poorly reviewed play at the ADC under the pretence that your dear friend is in the starring role. Get a gauge on how much they actually like you by how extravagantly they lie about having enjoyed your friend’s performance.

If you really want to test your beloved’s devotion, get yourself cast in a poorly reviewed play and see if they come to watch you!

Humble reader I must warn you: between all the auditions and rehearsals, this ruse is rather a large time commitment, but nonetheless a watertight dating strategy. Break a leg!

25. Send them a request on LinkedIn. Comment under all their future announcements to stay front of mind. You can rest easy knowing that you and the beloved are bonded together for all eternity as but two links on the endless corporate chain ❤ 26. Submit a cryptic Trinity Compliment in lieu of actually plucking up the courage to ask them to Klassic Kinema ☹ You’ll get ‘em next time, Newton!

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From the Archives: How to Procure the Favour of Thine Lady (1794) Sgt. Arun Mountbatten-Prabhakar found an agéd manuscript in the Wren library

Common opinion holds that there comes a stage in every young Cantabridgian’s life at which it is incumbent upon him to put to one side the follies of his schooldays, look beyond his University years, and recognise the existence of a creature currently known to scholars as the lady. Any young lad of good breeding will inevitably have been insulated from the aforementioned prospect while either tutored at home or placed into the care of an appropriately insular school, during which time the proper distractions from one’s baser tendencies are Latin conjugations, taking up pipe-smoking at the age of fourteen, and shooting pheasants under the presumption that they are one’s own. Upon coming to Cambridge to study mathematics or the natural sciences, it is thought most tting that absolutely nothing changes. In the current year of our Lord not even those groups who are referred to in backrooms and gutters as radicals are proposing of the admission of the fairer of the two sexes into our two Universities. Nonetheless, it has come to the attention of these rather dismayed authors that most likely, if and when, one does indeed graduate, one will have to enter into an endeavour known as courting, with a view to engaging with a whole new gender and procuring the hand of one instance of said gender in the institution known to God and His King as marriage.

For four-and-twenty centuries have the nest minds of the inbred classes been deriving inspiration from these pages of the Travistical Biweekly magazine. We therefore felt that without giving a slight pointer in the direction of how to charm and woo one's conquest, we would be failing to live up to our predecessors, those noble editors who tirelessly endeavoured to give Sir Isaac Newton his daily wedgie.

It is somewhat tiresome, but in order to ful l the social expectations placed on a young man the moment he turns twenty-one, one will in fact have to rst identify a lady. Our current belief on this particular matter is that the best strategy is to locate a poor with an exceptionally fetching and somewhat angelic young daughter, and promise to raise their family name out of the dirt if only she will take your hand, and also tolerate your intense opium addiction. Failing this, one might also wish to consider the possibility of nding an exceptionally rich family with a disaffected daughter who has not yet been induced into the notion of a ‘problem’, willing to accept anything, about to throw herself off the side of the Titanic, et cetera, et cetera. It is most advisable to stay away from those young lasses of golden hue who took the wrong message from Goblin Market (forthcoming), and from whom peals of the amused sentiment can be heard upon entering the area of ground upon which a University Library will be built once Victorian architecture has been invented — more to the detriment of those endeavouring to re ect on Burke or bathe in the literary delights of Sense and Insensitivity.

Once one has located a member of the target sex (and in parsing this phrase, please do remember — one isn’t at Harrow any more), in our experience the greater part of the work has been done. It is customary to accompany one’s beloved on one, or perhaps two, expeditions that may one day be called ‘dates’. This has the advantage of erecting a pretence of any choice, or amorous intent in the affair. One must be careful indeed, we nd, to have ample defence against whatever charges of gross indecency may nd themselves levelled against one. We recommend taking one’s besotted for a romantic walk around one of those tiny gardens London seems to be lled with, if in a generous mood, or else for a tour of the kitchens in the local country pub, or down to the newly-established textile mill, to demonstrate what her life will comprise for the next decade and one half until she dies of cholera (she is currently thirteen). The discerning gentleman may opt to pass the increasingly dilating time by asking his star-cross’d lass certain preparatory questions for the marital charade: whether she has come across any of the seditious works of Mary Wollstonecraft; whether she derives pleasure from the easy state of not being with child; whether she still entertains dreams of nding her Prince Charming (for contemporaneous readers, her Cassanova). The correct answers are, of course, no, negative, and nay.

For one who has cut one’s teeth in either of the Universities, this episode may prove more tiring than one is used to. In the interests of one’s mental health, it is at this point recommended that one cast out of one’s mind all thought of the dif cult sex and indulge in some relaxing activities with male companions. It is wisest to drag the apple of thine eye with you while thus recovering, as it proves unlikely that her father will desire to have her back — him being the kind of chap who let you court her in the rst place. Take her to the country home for a spot of shooting: if she nds stray gunpowder or grime on her face, deign to offer her the corner of your handkerchief. Allow her to accompany you to the gentleman’s club; if she happens not to be allowed in, this will prove just to that extent bad for her. It is advisable to eventually remember to court her again.

At this point one can safely ask for her hand in marriage. This is, thankfully, the last of the stages one will have to go through. Once the rstborn is produced — via mechanisms we know not what — it is best to treat him with a mixture of cold contempt and confusion until he comes of age, at which point he may receive a rm handshake. For more on this matter, see below (cont.d, p.93)

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How to break up with your partner

Now you’ve found a partner and they’re getting in the way of your sigma grindset, Harry D is here to put some motion and commotion in your soon-to-be-ex partner’s ocean Hallo, you sexy beasts, welcome back to my instructional loveshack, baby. In this edition, we have quizzed all of the prestigious sharks of legend (you know who you are) in order to provide you with an informative compendium of how to break up with your stinky signi cant other.

1. Get to Know the Family!

This option is accessible to all! Working Class and wanna climb the social ladder? Middle Class and still in denial or even lthy rich and wanting to stay that way? Well, think about who puts money on their debit card and get disturbingly romantical. Wait for Daddy or Mummy to send the other to St. Tropez and sneak a few cheeky kisses in whilst your signi cant other is watching.

(Note: Make sure those phat stacks aren’t supplied by thicc bursaries before attempting) 2. Join a Cult!

You like sticking your thumbs between some chiselled cheeks? Stroking big rods across the Cam? Seeing how wide you can get that dirty mouth open? Then Rugby, Rowing or Choir may be the solution, sign up and watch your partner wither away from frustration as you rant about your newfound love (Or just become a mathmo, same thing).

We’re your lovers now. You do love the club, don’t you?

3. Plead Insanity Has your ing with a fresher been going on too long? A week? A month? My lord, you poor soul. You’re starting to think you might have to get creative so why not start parading around in their underwear through Hall or steal their illegal air fryer. You can even go Nuclear and persuade them you’re simply trying to escape your problems (them, they are the problem. Keep your chin up king/queen) via the meat-propelled helicopter. (Note: If that doesn’t work, you made your own bed of tactical noncery, buddy, sleep in it.)

4. Rogue Deaning You’ve discovered you do not have the sigma capacities to just tell them how you feel (i.e. you’re the biggest example of twattery known to humanity, you wank stain), so what can you do? Set up a fake Prof.Alan-Hardwick-Windle@cam email address. You can accuse them of all sorts of batshit crazy stuff, such as: -Skinny Dipping in the fountain -Smearing undisclosed liquids over Henry VIII’s portrait with a high table audience -Raw Dogging in the fountain, you risky bugger.

Then reveal it was you, you little naughty joker.

5. Run. If all else fails, just run. You keep telling yourself you’re gunna do something remotely healthy so start by breaking up with your signi cant other: The Coward’s Way. If they chase you, call the police or deck them and wait for the police - your choice.

Follow these methods and you’re guaranteed a break up, one way or another. But, remember to have a happy Valentine’s Day and tell your partner how full of shit they are and how much you wish they’d nally just fuck off. (Note: No, seriously. If you’re reading this Janice: fuck off, please. I’m begging you this time.)

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From the Archives: Disputationae Concerning the Question How to Join in Holy Matrimony with your Eye’s Favoured Maiden (1285)

Arun of South London uncovers an ancient article between the pages of the Summa Theologiae Quaestione a. How should one nd a date?

I answer that the optimal way to nd a date is to wait until you are twelve years of age, and then watch as your father marries you to a local princess. However, this is only viable if you do happen to be of the very highest orders. As a scholar at the University of Cambridge, you are of course ultimately training in theology (since other subjects have not yet been invented). This means you are, in effect, a monk. Your best advice is: best of luck, old chap.

Quaestione b. What should be asked on a rst date?

I answer that you didn’t pass the rst stage because you’re an absolute virgin but on the assumption that you did, there are certain essential questions to screen your maiden. First: is she of childbearing age? It is essential that she is not. Second: does she know the whole King James Bible by heart? Piety and virtue are essentials, but literacy is a deal-breaker. (As would be even the slightest regard to chronological plausibility, evidently. —Ed.) Third: does she weigh more than this wooden duck (purchasable from the Travisty Travelling Emporium for a competitive 56 shillings or whatever people pay with back now)? This one is important. You should check if your beloved matches the magic mass by tossing her into a pond and noting, disinterestedly, whether or not she oats. This could be made into an enjoyable bonding exercise between you and your friends, who are all ve years old because the grown-ups were all killed in the last crusade. Call it bride-tossing: coming soon to a Magpie & Stump event near you. (Take note, Matthew of Dorking.) Observe that if your darling does fail the test, she disposes of herself. This is a remarkable self-ordering of nature in conformance with the Ancient Indian doctrine of karma, which will be known to the West in under 600 years (we’re decolonising the Middle Ages). The Angelic Doctor is currently working on a Sixth Way, a proof for God’s existence from the existence of such wonderful twists of fate.

Quaestione c. How should the second date be approached?

I answer that while some reprobates would be so muddle-headed as to propose the second date as the perfect opportunity to meet her parents, no such thing can obtain because in marrying your young girl, you in fact appropriate her family and make them yours entirely (women do not yet have rights, these not being invented until 1967. Not that she is a woman, biologically speaking.) They are your vassals now. They break your bread, scratch your back, and source your heirs (you’re gay, because buggery won’t be outlawed until 1533 when the Protters come).

Where was I again? Oh yes, you marry her. Ideally in a church, because freedom hasn’t been invented yet (nor happiness), so if you get a civil partnership, Ben Shapiro will travel back in time on the sheer power of his owns and deboonk your marriage with neither facts nor logic (because we’re in the Christian Dark Ages, there are no such things).

Quaestione d. How should a respectable marriage be conducted?

I answer that in the Middle Ages, currently known as the Ages, because the far side has not happened yet and because they they go on for a really fucking long time, it is customary for husband and wife to sleep in separate beds, and indeed separate bedrooms. This is convenient if you do happen to be homosexual and just in want of a sham marriage to keep up with the locker room talk down at the Chevaliers’ ranch.

Quaestione e. What can one do next?

I answer that the prime pastime of one in your position (quandary, predicament) is to go on crusade. And if, while away, your wife were to wish to seek solace in the arms of another woman…

Of course because it is the current year and joy is considered strictly heretical, the logical step is to pack your wife off to a nunnery, to partake in such activities as self- agellating, hating fun for no reason whatsoever, and baby-murdering.

This truly is the worse of fates, reserved for those merry-making ne’er-do-well nuns who hide their under-industrious heads under corn-coloured chevaux in the manuscript room. But heigh-ho, you’ll probably have died of leprosy or something before you get half this far.

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What’s your Wordle starter?

Wordle appears to have taken many students by storm, occupying between 10 seconds and 5 minutes (!) of their day. Thomas is here to set you on the right path and make you nish quicker (if you know what I mean).

If you study…

Your Wordle starter(s):

Why?

Linguistics

SLAIN, EVENT

Prescriptivism, and I think that I’m funny.

Computer Science

N/A.

You look at the source code for the answer in order to mimic the feeling of being the hacker that you thought you would become through your degree.

Engineering

CRANE

Bridge has too many letters, and if it ain’t broke, why x it?

Classics

HOMER

Repressed childhood memories of the trauma of rote memorisation this may bring back, but you love it really.

AMES

GRRRL

Nobody actually needs to write down (short) vowels…

Archaeology

GLYPH

See AMES, but with extra script-based simping.

MML

TRYST

This is exactly how you view your irtations with languages beyond your study, and they never leave your mind.

English

Actually vary, or OUIJA

Kind of like how your favourite Doctor Who is whoever it was when you were 10 - or David Tennant, English students have variation in their choice, or they pick OUIJA, as it’s how they generate ideas.

History and Politics

N/A.

You heard about the possibilities that this could bring and the time that you could invest. Then you stopped and never started, because you won’t repeat the mistakes of the past.

History of Art

WHELK

One day, someone will remember that your course exists, and that day will be when this starter is actually useful.

Medicine

CRANE

You watched a video where this was recommended.

Physical Natural Sciences

69709

You play Primel, in an attempt to become the mathmo you always wanted to be.

Maths

28+41=69

You play Nerdle in order to relive the glory days of maths challenges where you could solve a question in under a minute.

And if you are Kerem:

SHARK

No comment.

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Arun has no grasp of dated literary styles except from Philosophy.

I had just bought some lunch from Agora square and returned to Acropolis college through the Gate of Heracles when, on my way to the meeting place me and my Sophist friends had come to call the Junior Combination Room, I happened upon Euthyphroin and Lysidia, previously occupied in unknown activities. As we climbed the stairs under portraits of Solon and Thrasymachus, I proposed a topic of conversation for me and my Sophist friends: the essence of the perfect date.

Euthyphroin clamoured and remarked what a striking coincidence it was I had proposed this hitherto unseen matter, as he had just that morning asked his slave-boy to write down a dialogue he had been privy to some years earlier, when our mutual friend and teacher Socrates had been a wee little wanker, on precisely this. “Thank Poseidon!”, I exclaimed, “for the sayings of Socrates are far wiser than anything I could produce myself.” “I like unicorns,” said Lysidia. We agreed to summon Euthyphroin’s slave boy and listen to him recount the encounter himself.

Socrates Euthyphroin Socrates Euthyphroin Socrates

Euthyphroin

Socrates

Euthyphroin Socrates Euthyphroin Socrates

My good friend Euthyphroin! What fantastic luck to nd you in the breakfast hall, and so close to that time when the slaves hurry off and stop serving food!

But of course Socrates, how could it be otherwise with such a practical and level-headed man as myself ?

Well, my good friend, that is precisely what I wanted to ask you. For a practical man such as yourself, being so experienced in, ahem, worldly matters, must be able to answer a question that my foolish self has. How is it, dear Euthyphroin, that one is to conduct the ideal date?

My dear Socrates, I am glad you asked, for I am indeed a practical man experienced in worldly matters as you so eloquently put it. For surely, O Socrates, the rst and most crucial step in pulling off the perfect step is to nd a woman.

Darling Euthyphroin — your answer seems indeed to be most just and perfect, and brimming with the nest wisdom. But I have, on account of my foolish and diddering old nature, just a slight question which I am sure you can clear up. For although you say it would be best to start by nding a woman, would it not be better to locate a handsome young boy?

My most intimate Socrates: you have stumped me well and truly indeed. For while I did think at rst, in all my eminent practicality and worldliness that one should procure a woman to pull off the perfect date, it would in fact be better to start with a handsome young boy. Still, is it not the case that upon going on a date with a woman one can delight in the most worldly of delights, and further the species known as homo sapiens?

My gorgeous Euthyphroin, I am very foolish and un-wise indeed, and you are, as yourself rst and then myself later put it, so very worldly, and yet I have the most remote of worries that I am sure you could resolve in a single beat of your most passionate, beating heart. For is it not the case that for all the child-bearing virtues and worldly delights a date with a woman can offer — even those Achilleshaired brides who make as if viewing an Aristophanes while in the Library of Alexandria, and partake in tutelage under no Sophists — an encounter an encounter with a handsome young boy can reach the very summit of deep, platonic friendship?

How could it be otherwise, O Socrates?

Then we are agreed, the nest way to initiate the ideal date is to source a handsome young boy.

Certainly, most Socrates, for we are Ancient Athenians, and heterosexuality has not yet been invented.

Indeed it is curious that The Travistical Wax Tablet predates even such notions as that.

Would you not think then, humble Euthyphroin, that for the ideal date one must proceed to perform buggery upon one’s handsome young boy?

What the fu— Worry not, sweet Euthyphroin, for we speak not of noncery, put of the cultured pederast.

Good chap.

Euthyphroin Socrates Matthew Sargent Euthyphroin I think— Socrates You are an absolute idiot, you have never had an intelligent thought in your life, and your father sodomises goats.

Euthyphroin Yes, how could it be otherwise, O Socrates?

Here ends the dialogue of the Euthyphroin.

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From the Archives: Plato’s Third Alcibiades — A Dialogue Concerning the Entry into Relations with an Attractive Young Boy (399 BC)

DIY: Hall Cups Dylan goes full Five Minute Crafts

Between Michaelmas and Lent, the Trinity dining hall subtly replaced Vegware 9oz compostable PLA cold cups with Vegware 7oz compostable PLA cold cups. This undoubtedly caused tremendous confusion and uproar among hall frequenters (just shy of 70% of the student population). The following questions naturally arose in everyone’s minds: what can still be done with the archaic 9oz cups, and what can now be done with the neoteric 7oz cups?

As with other important life questions, the answers are usually found in racy illustrated magazines. So keep this issue of Travisty on hand as you pick from one of the following projects to make full use of your Vegware 9oz/7oz compostable PLA cold cups: 1. Attractive Model What you will need: 1. Large latex sheet 2. Metal frame with clamps 3. Rope and scissors 4. 2 x Vegware 9oz/7oz compostable PLA cold cups 5. A willing partner (optional) Steps: 1. Spread the latex sheet across the metal frame and clamp it tight all around. It is helpful to have a partner for this step, to help maintain the tension of the sheet as it is fastened onto the frame.

2. Cut a hole at the base of each 9oz/7oz cup.

3. Thread one end of the rope through the base of a 9oz/7oz cup, then tie it to a point near the centre of the sheet. Repeat with the other end.

4. Pull on the rope to drag the sheet through the base of each cup.

If all goes well, you have now successfully made a pedagogical tool illustrating the gravity wells of an Einstein-Rosen bridge! Time to invite your date back to your room and impress them with your knowledge of modern theoretical physics.

2. Catch and Release What you will need: 1. Pebbles 2. Rope, scissors, and duct tape 3. Silicone/Oil-based lubricant 4. Honey, whipped cream, and coconut milk 5. 4 x Vegware 9oz/7oz compostable PLA cold cups

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Steps: 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

Mix the food ingredients and leave the mixture exposed until it begins to smell.

Lather the inside of a 9oz/7oz cup with the putrid infusion and sandwich the layer with a second 9oz/7oz cup.

Place pebbles inside the stacked cups obtained in the previous step.

Write a message to your future self.

Seal the message between the other two 9oz/7oz cups (by taping the rims together) and coat the outer surface with a thick layer of lubricant.

Tie the rim of the stacked cups securely to the chamber obtained in the previous step.

Throw the entire contraption into the river Cam.

Over time, the stacked 9oz/7oz cups should rapidly decay (“Vegware products are designed to break down with food waste”), while the lubricant-coated sac remains intact.

Upon eventual structural degradation of the stacked cups, the top compartment will be released and oat to the surface, allowing you to retrieve the message. What a crafty time capsule!

3. Birthday Suit Party What you will need: 1. 15 x consenting friends 2. Lots of protection (optional, but strongly recommended) 3. 16 x Vegware 9oz/7oz compostable PLA cold cups Steps: 1. Invite your friends to a celebration at the Great Court fountain on the eve of your birthday, with a formal dress code.

2. Get everyone to put on their protective equipment (boots, gloves, helmets, etc.) before climbing in. Safety is paramount: you don’t want to tear your evening wear, or have to explain to the porters how you injured yourself whilst mounting the fountain!

3. Issue everyone a 9oz/7oz cup and have them ll their glass using one of the 16 spouts.

4. Celebrate together at the stroke of midnight with a healthy drink of natural water.

If some of you are nding this to be seemingly impossible to carry out, don’t worry: it works with less than 15 friends as well!

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4. Light Fore Play What you will need: 1. Scissors 2. Permanent marker 3. Warm lighting 4. 2 x negative coronavirus (COVID-19) rapid LFTs 5. 1 x Vegware 9oz/7oz compostable PLA cold cup Steps: 1. Cut a nger-width slit down the side of the 9oz/ 7oz cup, stopping an inch shy of the base.

2. Stack the LFTs on top of one another and lean the rim of the cup against the top edge.

3. Shine the table lamp at an oblique angle.

4. Play around with shading certain regions of the cup using the marker.

Shadow art is ultimately up to one’s imaginativeness and resourcefulness. Let your creativity loose and see what other silhouettes you can generate with various objects in the foreground!

5. Fork and Spoon What you will need: 1. Bed 2. Soothing music 3. Massage oil 4. Massive con dence 5. 2 x Vegware 9oz/7oz compostable PLA cold cups Steps: 1. Put on a calming playlist of songs to help you unwind after a long day of procrastination.

2. Go to bed early. Placing the 9oz/7oz cups around your ears will help to give the music a caramelldansen-from-another-room vibe.

3. When you wake up the next morning feeling fresh and energised, remind yourself that today is the day where you nally eat hall breakfast.

4. As you leave your room door, coat your own doorknob with massage oil, making it too slippery to grip. There’s no turning back now; only the serviettes in hall can save you. (Remember to bring your mask with you!)

5. Gather your utmost courage and enter the servery.

6. Grab as little or as much food as your heart desires, then settle down at a socially/antisocially strategic seat in hall.

7. Take a moment to savour the blissful feeling of crockery you don’t have to wash, eggs you didn’t have to cook, and Kitchen Fixed Charge you’ve nally started to utilise.

Once you’ve built up your con dence, go ahead and take a shot at Sunday brunch: the smoked salmon is worth it!

If you liked this article, Travisty has recently opened auditions for the spoken word exposé production “Vegware 8oz compostable double wall hot cups: Yea or Nay?”. We are also looking for independent journalists to write an investigative piece on the digital cup, i-Cup (pardon the spelling). Whether or not you like cups, be sure to snag your complimentary, booking-free tickets to the next Travisty writers’ meeting.

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TCSU Election 2022

The candidates and their main manifesto policies (so we can hold them to their oaths).

Candidate’s name in bold if they won.

From scrambled eggs to Strava, these candidates have tried to win over your hearts and your votes.

Thanks to the wonderful SU (praise be unto them!), who don’t send out emails after 5pm on Friday (because they are tired from working ever so hard during the week to have zero impact on anything), we didn’t get the results for several days or even a nice breakdown of votes. It would be nice to think that there was a high turnout and that all your friends voted for you. We’ll go with that.

Best of luck to our new TCSU committee, and I look forward to the time when one of you has to send out an angry email because someone took a shit in a Whewell’s bath again.

Computing and Publicity Of cer: Jakob Lundberg: Radical ideas, such as actually operating the mailing list and TCSU website Women's Of cer: Phoebe Hall: Night out safety workshops, self-defence classes, better information on training tness around periods, weekly welfare runs, multiple Strava PBs International Welfare Of cer: Bao Tao: Better information for incoming freshers, diversify Trinity formals, seek permission for rice cookers to not be con scated Prashen Fernando: Provide support, encourage cultural exchange, organise safe and inclusive events Mental Health and Disabled Students Of cer: Molly Papps: Better information for disabled students, raise awareness during Disability History Month LGBT+ Of cer: Kassandra Caldicott: Revive 1TQ, commit to gender neutrality, raise awareness of pronouns BME Of cer: Aprajit Mahajan: Establish anonymous portal for incidents and microagressions, more BME events Access Of cer: Harry Devlin: Centralise nancial aid information, establish Access Committee for further events Connor Churchman: Education of privilege, add more social meet-ups Environmental and Domestic Of cer: William Deacon: Make milk substitutes free in bar, send few emails, x ketchup sachet situation in Hall

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Joe Fennell: Cookouts, scrap vegetarian option in hall, revamp vegan option, host panel discussions Male Welfare Of cer: George Hargreaves: Karaoke and college family events Will Steinberg: Increased support for students who are victims of trauma Female Welfare Of cer: Naomi Vince: Virtual speed friending for freshers, self-isolation buddy system, more social activities Sasha Ginsberg: Improve welfare for those in self-isolation, continue welfare tea Ents Of cer: Hatty Innes: College bar evenings, inter-college events, and continue expanding the instagram page Emily Mann: More outdoor summer events, reopen Wolfson Party Room Junior Steward: Saksham Kapoor: New fruit bar, better scrambled eggs, better inclusivity for internationals in Hall, use machine learning to predict busy times in Hall Harrison Moore: Get water jugs in hall, show allergens, x ketchup sachet situation, make formation of societies easier Treasurer: Henry Wayt: Eliminate hungover re drills, increase deals in and around college, and make more cracking economics jokes Vice President: Callum Westwood: Murder TCSU committee members if they don’t keep their manifesto promises, turn up on time to all TCRFC matches Charlie Butler: Publish committee minutes, put lights on the Avenue, reveal porters’ names so that nicknames are no longer needed Francesca Gilks: Themed weekly bar nights, upgrade gyps, allow more Long Vac accommodation, prevent spiking at the May Ball, move re alarm testing to afternoons, staff-student college breakfasts, KFC scrap if under Upay cap, grievance book in plodge, optimise thermal systems in the Library President: Tayla Hardy: Listen to student opinions and take them into account, encourage friendship between students and fellows and other staff, diversity in action not just thought, and to tell the college council if they’re ever failing their students

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#33

Hornyscopes

There’s a cosmic reason that you turned to this page.

Leo is here to reveal all Aries: Boris Borealis is unusually visible these days. I advise you to get ungodly smashed at a work event and father some extramarital kiddos.

Taurus: Just like Gamestonks, love is an impeccable investment that you have got to commit to and at the same time is going to ruin you.

Life is rough and so are the markets, smoothbrain.

Gemini: Orion is stepping into Venus’ nebula. I foresee an old gypsy woman offering you a love-potion with which you may bewitch the man of your heart’s desires into utter infatuation. You should decline and report her to the police. Love potions are just romanticised rape drugs. #SendRomildaVaneToAzkaban.

Cancer: Hercules is stepping into the centre of your aura. It is time you start standing up for yourself.

Like when the fat kid in school tried to use his Yu-Gi-Oh cards to summon a dragon or when the Great British people voted for Brexit.

Frog: Venus is staying away as far as possible away from you, which I honestly cannot blame her for.

But not all is lost - yes, you may be a bit of an ugly duckling, but you might still turn to be an ugly swan!

Virgo: You will not manage to nd a date this year, but do you know

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who still loves you? Jesus. You know who I am talking about, the intense water-to-wine-to-blood guy. The holey bloke who invented CrossFit. The complete mad-lad literally loves everyone!

Don’t know how he does it though. For that, you gotta ask the theologians or someone else who has given up on being useful.

Libra: Pegasus is breaking into a full gallop towards the ascendent, time to get pegged.

Scorpio: I tried to ask the stars about your love prospects, but most of them wouldn’t answer, except for James Corden, but I really didn’t give a shit what he had to say.

Sagittarius: The messenger god Hermes is on his way to bring you a loveydovey valentines present.

Something to rip open, something to insert, something to squeeze. Your antigen tests will arrive soon! Appreciate it, the Bangladeshi kids were extra affectionate when they sealed the buffer tube.

Capricornus: Unfortunately, I don’t have a horoscope for you this week. It’s not your fault it’s mine. See, to make these horoscopes I have to look at the stars, right? I couldn’t use my telescope though, because it recently broke in a voyeurism related incident. So, I went to one of these mountain lookout points with binoculars, and I brought 12 coins to observe some star-stuff for y’all. But then I saw in the

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distance what looked like a bear playing a trombone, so I had to check that out, but it turned out to be just a trumpet. Anyway, I wasted one of the coins on that, so you’ll have to gure out your future yourself (it’s not that hard, you basically just have to sit and wait) Aquarius: There are many kinds of love, for example you have the appreciative love between rowers admiring each other’s scores on the erg and their rm, throbbing, adolescent bodies during crew showers or the tentacletive love of a Japanese schoolgirl for octopuses. Feel the universal force of love surround you and embrace it on this holiest of holidays that is valentines.

Pisces: Sarah. I am so sorry. Genuinely so sorry, this is such typical Aries behaviour from me, especially after what happened with your sister. And I know you have trouble adjusting to the new situation, but you have got to understand! Despite the age difference, I really feel like she and I have something truly special going. Why can’t you just be happy for your mother and me?

Ophiucus: Serpens is slithering into its descent. That probably means your valentines date is going to be super hostile and you should prepare some strong burners for snappy comebacks. Don’t call her fat though, that’s like bringing a gun to a dick ght.

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