Travisty #103 - Spooktober Special

The Independent Trinity Newspaper since 2007

Bet I scared you there! Hope you are having a frightful term so far; but I have to warn you, things are about to get a whole lot scarier [we haven't reached week 5 yet].

So Halloween approaches. To those uninitiated, we’re going to have two-ish weeks where Cambridge smells like Pumkin Spice Lattes and a further 6 weeks of soft mushy leaves on all the footpaths. But at least we get one night to attempt to connect with our long lost ancestors [by dressing up as characters from their nightmares]. If there is a time to learn how to make a pentagram, it is now! You might also want to preorder a sacrificial lamb as they sell out quick. Anyway, I present to you our creepiest work yet. I’d turn back now if I were you, ’cause them next pages is haunted. Yep they say that they ‘rote this issue while standin’ on the old Indian burial ground. It’s cursed I tell ya!

~ Your Ominous Writers ~

3 4-8 9 10-11

12-13

14 15

16

~ Your Editors ~

Misha “Muppet” Medvedev

Never fails to provide incompetence in its purest form.

Raymond “Hayden” Ramm

Changed his permanent residence to the Pippard Lecture Theatre.

Ruby Sanders-“Française”

Was apprehended by authorities while trying to smuggle 24kg of Cheddar through Calais.

Francesca “Stumped” Gilks spent £250 in one pub in two hours. Good luck beating that!

Rosie Baish Provided the real horror of this issue: the Sudokus on page 13 .

Lisa Delaney Was kicked out of her own room for singing the EM Spectrum Song.

- Cover Photo -

“Wait are pumpkins supposed to do that? ” Taken by Misha Medvedev

Harry Metrebian Has been here for so long that Isaac Newton was his college dad.

Harry Devlin voted TCSU Platonic Sharking Officer.

‘London Gatwick’ A stymied banana farmer.

- Sp00ktober Font by AEN Creative Studio -

This Week’s Headlines

We prefer the term “Faux News”

46th Annual Pillow Fight cancelled as College paper arrives on Dean’s desk.

Reports have recently come in suggesting that our Dean does indeed read this publication much to the dismay of Travisty’s Writers and Editors who believed they could stir mischief with impunity. A spokesperson for the paper stated, “It would be unwise and irresponsible to attend or attempt the events listed in the last issue unless you are a trained professional like myself”.

Travisty declares independence from Magpie and Stump.

An historic declaration was signed last Wednesday, in which the President of Magpie and Stump conceded the last remnants of their overlordship of the paper. The Comedy Club placed Travisty “under-wing” in 2016. Times have changed since then, and with Magpie’s new leadership finding their feet, the Editors seized the moment to claim sovereignty. With their hands tied, the Stump caved.

Not-at-all-Headless Nigel spotted in the Pierce Hostel.

Scooby Doo and the gang costumes sold out prior to Halloween.

No surprises here! This year, as in every year, ‘Scooby Doo’ outfits have run out city-wide. Last November, costume manufactures promised to increase production; however, stocks have still dried up. “I think it’s a big conspiracy,” one shopper said. “Think about it. If they keep supply low and demand high…”. It is this reporter’s belief that it’s about time people find a fresh way to dress up, because getting five people to wear complementary outfits isn’t really that impressive.

Residents rage as Cambridge Christmas lighting goes up.

“They put them up in OCTOBER!!!”

He’s been there for as long as anyone can remember. They say he got lost one time and couldn’t find the way out. The ‘Lost in Pierce Society’ will hold their annual vigil this Friday.

Travisty Writers angered as Government U-turns ruin well written jokes.

“It’s just not fair! I put time and effort into crafting the perfect Kwarteng joke, and he’s gone before we could publish it”, one writer explained. “At least Truss is assertive that she’ll stay . Which is great ‘cause I got an arsenal waiting for her!”

Cambridge colleges to divest from fossil fuels to protect wine cellars from sea level rise.

“We’ve got the old irrelevant books covered with the Wren. But won’t someone please think of the innocent wine bottles in our cellars?”

Your news correspondents for this week are Misha and Ruslan

Feature Articles

Barry the Blue Boar Sighted!

Our undercover reporter [code name: ’London Gatwick’] goes whole hog in this exposé

Residents of Blue Boar Court, beware! There have recently been multiple confirmed sightings of an actual blue boar roving around the court. Thought to pose a clear and present danger to student life, Barry as he has been christened by Travisty writers weighs in at 200kg and stands five feet tall and ten feet long, with teeth like knives and tusks longer than a mathmo’s lecture timetable. Make no mistake: this is no ordinary pig. Barry is here to stay and he is here to slay.

But why has Barry appeared now? In a way, he’s what Blue Boar Court has been waiting for ever since it was built: an explanation for its apparently absurd name. Alas, Travisty can disclose that Barry was actually smuggled into Blue Boar under cover of night by a dedicated team of John’s zoologists. Last June, the powers that be at The College Which Must Not Be Named, reflecting on another year and another year’s failure to get the better of us in any meaningful sense, threatened their leading zoology students with expulsion unless they agreed to spend the summer travelling the world in search of a deadly, dangerous animal to let loose on Trinity in the new academic year. Barry, it turns out, was the best they could do.

After pumping him full of a veritable cocktail of high-end drugs, each designed to increase aggression and physical power, Barry was put under general anaesthetic for the journey to Trinity last Wednesday. Clad all in black and using grappling hooks to scale our walls, the zoologists had to enlist the help of John’s rowers to lift the dead weight of Barry’s sedated body over into Blue Boar Court. Once the feat was accomplished, Barry was placed just outside the entrance to the Wolfson Building to await his first victim. His fur had been dyed blue in the lab.

An unexpected side-effect of the intensive drugs programme Barry was put through is that he doesn’t physically exist in daylight. It is only at night-time that his atoms re-form into a recognisable whole and he resumes his John’s-induced hunt for human flesh. But we here at Travisty live in hope: we will award a lifetime of free drinks at the college bar to anyone who can pacify Barry and reverse-engineer him into a weapon to be used against John’s. Surely, such an end to Barry’s story is one we could all cheer.

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BIDS START AT £1 MILLION (A pint and a pack of Monster Munch is also acceptable)

Feature Articles

Top 5 Sp00kiest Triposes, in Ascending Order

Raymond justifies the name of this issue with his supernatural analysis of all things sp00k

5: Land Economy

We’re not entirely sure that this Tripos actually exists. But if it did, it would be some combination of education in aristocratic land management and animal husbandry. Of course, this would be the perfect cocktail for preparing the UK’s next generation of landed gentry for a life at the top of the caste, moulding them into Gothic, Shelleyan figures destined to spend the hours gazing out upon their moors from the confines of a deteriorating and dilapidated castle.

4: Linguistics

What, exactly, do linguists do? There are only two of them in my year here at Trinity, and both of them have masterful ways of evading the question. During their many hours of toil, what do they study? Where do all of them go during the daylight hours? Who are they, really, under the surface? Logic suggests that they are tortured souls of the damned; some sp00ky denizens of Trinity’s private purgatory, organ scholars who met their demise by falling into the pipes and never being rescued. Whatever they do, wherever they are… they will always be watching.

3: Natural Sciences

Forgoing trifles of the mortal realm, NatScis concern themselves only with the abstract studies of particles, boxes on strings, disease and plants. But spookiest of all is the way they seem to be able to slip, unnoticed, into almost any social gathering. Straddling the line dividing seclusion on one side (see Mathmos, CompScis in the Appendix) and social integration on the other (Engineers, Econs), NatScis are well-placed shapeshifting spies able to replicate normal human behaviour and activity without having any understanding of either. We may wear sporting clothes and speak of nights at the bar… But have you ever seen a single one of us pick up a hockey stick or down a shot at Vinyl? The more you think about it, the less sure you will be.

2: English Literature

Our own Lord Byron laid the groundwork for these unique scholars of the humanities. Immersing themselves in the works of Byron, Shakespeare and the many white men who compose the established canon, Englings spend years studying tales of tragedy, murder, betrayal, haunting and horror.

For every physicist who’s read QED, there are a dozen Englings who have memorised the violent and brutal deaths of innumerable protagonists at the close of a fiveact Shakespearean tragedy. Maybe they just get off on death like the rest of us. Or, perchance, beneath the surface lies something even more macabre. Perhaps they are preparing for something… Sp00kier.

1: Mathematics

They never talk. They never eat. They never sleep. Perhaps, unbeknownst to us, they slip into a titanium coffin for an hour each night, the internal surfaces inscribed with increasingly complex depictions of multidimensional manifolds. Do they dream of Gauss? Sex? Do they dream at all? It may just be the case that we never know. (Bonus tip: don’t leave your room after midnight on the 31st, as this is the one day a year when all mathmos, in a display of meticulous coordination, roam the grounds unhindered, reaping the souls of any applied scientists they find).

The Strange Case of the Vanishing Misha

Harry D. lays out Jean-Rugman III’s life’s work: a who dunnit of Zodiac caliber

It was a disturbingly peaceful All Hallows’ Eve, back in 1976. The fellows had finally laid down their research documents or sub-par student essays. The students had just arisen like the dead, after an intense series of dance sessions at Sunday Lolas the night before (some things never change). The staff had all taken a well-deserved break for the night, except for two porters who stoically manned the Great Gate of Trinity College.

Steve: The Porter

Alibi: ‘Well, I saw this bloke walk in. He was a short lad, I didn’t get a glimpse of his face and I honestly thought he was just handing in a lost Camcard. I went about my rounds, told some freshers to stop skinny-dipping in the fountain, broke up a social or two in the JCR and filed a report in the morning before my shift ended. To be honest mate, I was sat on that desk playing solitaire and watching cameras until the initial incident.’

At the stroke of midnight, whilst the Wiccan sipped mystical potions known as coffee to meet a deadline, a strange man approached the silent plodge. ‘Do you have a Camcard, mate?’ the porter bellowed, but to no avail as the figure slinked hurriedly towards the service desk. Much to the porter’s surprise he supplied a card that read, ‘Misha Medvedev’. Alas, before he could utter ‘cheers’ in relief, the shifty figure scurried back out the gates, as if some random on Ticketbridge was finally willing to part with their Halloween bop tickets.

The next morning, the new shift of porters investigated Misha’s room, the JCR and bar, even the FaT boathouse. He had seemingly disappeared from the recollection of many in college and more importantly, just, yaknow, actually couldn’t be found. Even to this day, rumours persist of an ethereal Misha who wanders the halls of Trinity and haunts poor Travisty writers.

The following case files are the prime suspects for Misha’s sudden disappearance, collated by the infamous detective and rugby/religious figurehead, Jean-Rugman III, alongside renowned Impressionist crime-scene-sketch-artist, Deputy Penning.

Detective’s Notes: There were no other witnesses than Steve and his partner at the arrival of the shrouded figure. I employed the questionable skills of the TCSU Computing Officer, Jakob Alwall Sr, to investigate his Spider Solitaire activity. We noticed that the times given for when he was absent from the plodge did not align with said Spider Solitaire activity, which occurred at 10pm, two whole hours before the initial incident. Even his partner was either absent or mysteriously resisted the urge to continue the said game of Spider Solitaire. Sus.

Professor Plum [No Relation]

Alibi: I honestly haven’t had the desire to see Mr Medvedev since supervising him for Maths in first year. However, this is not an indication of malice why would I wait two years to expel him from the college? I am sure he has come a long way since first year wait, what? Where was I the night he disappeared? I was at CERN that evening smashing atoms together, as Mathematicians are prone to do, of course. How did I make this interview? A plane, you churl.

Detective’s Notes: Yes, the suspect ran off when I pushed his alibi, but I’m more curious about the existence of a Maths professor who has faith in a student? I suppose there must always be an exception that proves the rule, but I still have my doubts. Moreover, after analysis of Plum’s lexicon, I have deduced there is no way a Maths Professor would think of the Middle Ages term ‘churl’ as an off-the-cuff insult.

I must inquire what a CERN is before further deliberation.

Detective Jean-Rugman (Circa 1976)

Feature Articles

Fergus McRowfess: Boat-Master General

Alibi: Was Misha late to rowing? Often, but aren’t you supposed to be asking me where I was on the night of his disappearance? It just sounds like you’re trying to gather evidence against me at this point. Anyway, if you need to know we were having a vigorous midnight outing all the way along to Grantches wait, wait, wait. Weren’t you the one that removed our Chaplain’s Squash table request?

Detective’s Notes: After barely escaping the boathouse with my life, I learnt that the rowers are a very dedicated, perhaps zealous group, willing to defend the club from anyone wishing to bring it into disrepute. It seems Misha may have got on their wrong side. I tried to return to do some postreconnaissance, but ran away in fear after hearing them talk about affixing handles to ‘blades’.

Bogdan Sr: Travisty Yugoslav Correspondent

Alibi: E buraz, rekao sam ti da ne mogu svake dve nedelje da ti donosim cigare... A, Miša nestao? Ne, ne znam ništa o tome. Tad sam ti bio u Bokoj na moru. Ako ga nađeš, nemoj mu reći da si me video.

Detective’s Notes: I liked his hair, he seems really nice. I honestly don’t know what to do with this information or how I even transcribed this. However, I now have an ancient sleeve of Morava cigarettes.

Al Murray: The Pub Landlord

Alibi: Right, what was I doing that night? So I was performing in this posh restaurant called Trinity. To be honest mate, I don’t actually know why you’re interviewing me considering you were also at the event the whole time, you get me? Nah, so, anyway, it was a great show, going very well and then this ginger goblin paraded in asking if I knew a Misha. Well, sorry to say lad, but av got no clue who is he even. Are you gunna pay me for wasting my time during the show?

Detective’s Notes: After great amounts of thought, I do admit that correlation is not always causation. Just because I heard there was a ‘Pub Landlord’ in a place called ‘Trinity’ does not mean that he was in fact, Head of Catering, Ian Reinhardt. Despite clearly interrogating the wrong suspect, I had a great time at his stand-up, 10/10 would recommend.

Sorry Al, but you did go to Oxford, so you enter the suspect lineup.

Ambrosio Winters: Chaplain

Alibi: Oh I was in the Chapel as always, providing great counsel. In fact, I had seen Misha earlier that night around 10pm. What did we talk about? Well, a bit of everything really: God, repentance, what a tithe is and why he should pay it to my personal bank account, just a bit of everything really. He is such a lovely man and I hope that your investigation will eventually prove fruitful. I’d hate for anything bad to happen to him. Could I interest you in some wine and communion wafers?

Detective’s Notes: Mozart’s Lacrimosa was ringing incessantly around the halls of the chapel when I found Ambrosio polishing Newton’s statue. I’m unsure if he wanted to sound guilty or was completely oblivious, but either way I must admit the man has an uncanny resemblance to John Wick. I’m not one to make assumptions but there was definitely something amiss.

The wine was decent but I couldn't get behind the wafers.

Closing Statements:

Writing now as I am to you in 2022, It is clear that after almost 50 years of tireless investigation, I still have no idea who did it. So, it is ultimately up to you, the brightest Travisty readers of Trinity, to submit your theories on who the culprit really was. The most inventive displays of detective work will find a reward and personal thank you from myself, The One and Only, Jean-Rugman III

Not-so Featured Articles

Why land economy is the best subject

Top 10 hottest freshers

The Magpie: An Edgar Allen Poe parody

Fun things to do in the Fellows’ garden

The fastest way out of Cambridge

Who put the Grenades in the Cam?

What really happened to ‘Newton’s Cradle’?

5 recipes to cook on the electric fireplace in your room

Seductive Samantha

5 parts of college life that were better during the pandemic

[Subject] Reviews for straight/gay men/women

How to make a Molotov cocktail (oh wait we’ve already done that issue #34) Where to place the barrel of gunpowder such that all of the Union is demolished

St. John’s Buttery: an honest review

Why RAM laundry cards are the new crypto

Rejected Articles

Raymond & Misha declassify some ideas that went straight to the bin

5 College rules you could (probably) get away with breaking

How to smuggle silver iodide into the Wren

A Travisty podcast where both Kwarteng and Charles III are guests

Setting up a society, running it for a few months then giving up: An Odyssey

Cambridge Ket dealers, ranked by affordability

How to escape the law by punt

Hotwiring Fellows’ Cars (How to)

Mathmos: The Definitive IQ Rankings

A serious conversation about [Subject]

What if the Staff and Fellows switched for a day?

Why having six wives shows that Henry loved women and he must have been a huge feminist because of it

Why a week 5 chocolate makes up for no reading week

So, you think your college mum is hot?

Top 5 rooms ranked by asbestos content

How to burn evidence using the toaster in your gyp

How Travisty deals with your complaints: A flowchart

A realistic guide to university and college politics (hope you like kissing feet, or being a shill)

Night-climbing: An overly graphical guide

Spooky Simon

Dear Simon, My blood ritual invoking the unholy spirit of Baphomet went awry after sacrificing my parents. Am I doing it right? Thanks, Family Therapy.

Dear Family Therapy,

You were clearly adopted. Congratulations! Unfortunately, the ritual only works when biological parents are offered up on the unholy black altar of Satan. Hope this helps.

Dear Simon, The voices in my wall continue to call out to me in my sleep, begging me to unearth their bones in the Fellows’ Garden and finally give their spirits rest. What should I do? Thanks, Sleep Deprived.

Dear Sleep Deprived,

Sounds seriously sp00ky. You’re probably dealing with the ghosts of previous deans. Any expert worth his, her or their salt would tell you that the best way forward is burning sage and ignoring any glowing eyes that seem to appear in the wallpaper every night at the Witching Hour.

Dear Simon, My bedder keeps leaving drawings of pentagrams on my walls. Last week, I even found a severed cat leg in my bed. Are they coming onto me? Thanks, Bedder Bachelor.

Dear Bedder Bachelor, Sadly, no. Your bedder has clearly noticed your Toxic Personality and is trying to slowly exorcise the demons within before you inflict your bullshit on the rest of the year. Try talking less about how many internships you got this summer, and spend less time indoors.

Dear Simon, I’m working on my resume as an up-and-coming horror movie antagonist, but all of my victims continue to flee from me at above walking speed, while I’m obligated to maintain the industry-recommended “creepy walking pace” for cinematic effect. What should I do? Thanks, Jason101.

Dear Jason101,

Don’t worry! Everyone starts out the same way. The key to any good slasher film is dramatic timing. Make sure to disappear at odd times and then (suddenly and inexplicably) reappear in the bathtub or attic without explanation. Take a page out of Scream’s book and buddy-up with a fellow killer; some of the best slasher flicks are actually team efforts. Best of luck!

Dear Simon, I’m working on bending my Supervisor to my will using a classic Binding Spell. Where’s the best place to source virgin blood in Cambridge? Lots of love, Young and Hopeful.

Dear Young and Hopeful,

It should be available on demand from any good physicist or mathmo. Your best bet is to make your way over to the Cavendish or Centre for Mathematical Sciences and going from there.

Dear Simon, Is the Angel Court laundry haunted? Thanks, Head Porter.

Dear Head Porter, Yes.

Whether you’re haunted by ghosts or the mistakes you’ve made, Simon is here to lay it all to rest. . .

Music Reviews for Heartbroken, Frustrated Bisexual Men

Raymond turns over vinyl faster than new lovers in weeks review

We’ve had the entire cultural menagerie here in the Bisexual Culture column of Travisty: books, films, you name it! But this week, we’re taking a musical dive that swings both ways, if you get what I mean. So bust out your leather jackets and turntables. You’re a bisexual man, so face it you’ve got both.

Call Me By Your Name Soundtrack (Sufjan Stevens et al.) 8/10

Our boy Sufjan Stevens helps us in kicking today’s list off. The Call Me By Your Name soundtrack is riddled with catchy songs reminiscent of warm summers beneath the Mediterranean and Spanish dusks the perfect backing soundtrack for raunchy encounters with your fellow male. If you’re able to look past *that* peach scene, you might find yourself going back again and again to the Doveman remix of Futile Devices. Maybe you’re basic like me and just listen to Visions of Gideon on repeat for six hours at a time (coincidentally, the soundtrack to my second (and most gut-wrenching) breakup). Too bad that Armie Hammer eats people now.

points if you hook up with another guy over the sounds of Could Never Be Heaven, which is basically a darker, psychosexual retelling of the Wizard of Oz. As if the original wasn’t horny enough.

AM by the Arctic Monkeys 3/10

What is this toxic bullshit? Did all of the American incels and drunk, closeted homophobe fathers come together to make an album? Absolutely no references to men banging other men, so a lot of marks lost there. Not to mention that Do I Wanna Know and R U Mine are literally the exact same fucking song with the “Misogyny Settings” tweaked from one track to the next. I’ve actually had to play one of these songs live. Fuck my life. Almost made me give up guitar.

Science Fiction by Brand New 10/10

Potentially my favourite album of all time (even beating out Nirvana’s Nevermind, and yes, my close friends and acquaintances will immediately recognise the gravity of that claim), Science Fiction just plain fucking slaps. From songs about Oppenheimer and the atomic bomb to deep sea creatures and extra-terrestrial adversaries, this New Jersey band’s final album has got it all. Bonus

American Idiot by Green Day 8/10

I remember finally thinking being a bisexual man was A -OK once I read that Billie Joe Armstrong took a little from column A and from column B. Here was some guy wearing makeup and selling millions of records. Those of you who knew me in First Year might remember my ill-advised forays into male eyeliner experimentation. Well, fuck it. It was worth it. I dyed my hair black, too. Deal with it.

American Idiot would already qualify for 7/10 even if it was just Armstrong singing Jesus of Suburbia endlessly for 50 minutes. Album closer, Whatsername, cements the notion that we don’t need women at all. Or men, for that matter. Develop an alter ego and commit petty crime is the moral of this concept album’s story. Give it a listen, yesterday.

- Science Fiction and American Idiot album designs used under fair use -

Led Zeppelin IV by… Led Zeppelin. Obviously. 7.8/10

It’s a well known fact that queer men like Lord of the Rings and heroin. If you can’t relate to that statement, that’s your problem and not mine. Apologies for triggering a crisis of sexuality, but you just don’t count. All bisexual men base their homoerotic outings on the strong, platonic foundation that underpinned Frodo and Sam’s relationship, made EXTRA HOT by the massive power dynamic between them. Well, anyway, Led Zep IV has both Rings and heroin in spades. Get stoned to Black Dog to kick things off, then just trip the fuck out while staring at the ceiling throughout Stairway to Heaven. Maybe you’ll see elves up there or something. Give it a go.

Stranger in the Alps by Phoebe Bridgers 8.5/10

Damn, this woman can sing. And write. And play guitar. There’s literally no need to have men around anymore because people like Phoebe and Ellie Rowsell have this whole “music” malarkey wrapped up quite nicely. Bridgers’ debut album demolishes and reconstructs your mind track-by-track, starting strong with Smoke Signals before she just goes full fuck-it and tells her ex-boyfriend what a useless jackass he was on Motion Sickness. To be honest, the entire album makes a good case for giving up on men altogether. I would encourage you to consider the same after all, I have. And I’ve turned out just fine-ish.

you say,

bisexual.

and frustrated. But I’m not a man!” Well, don’t worry! Lisa has got you covered with her own list.

It’s that time of year again when the weather is getting colder and you’re back with your nose to the grindstone. October should be a month of festivities and joy with Halloween around the corner, but too often it’s more about breaking up, getting broken up with, getting back with your ex after they drunk called you to say they made a mistake … and so on and so forth. Anyway, what better way to ease the pain of existence than by listening to songs that speak to you on a primal level?

Here are ten song recommendations for the broken-hearted bisexuals amongst us to laugh/cry/drink to.

1. Sorry: Meg Myers

2. Only a Girl: Gia Woods

3. Another Love: Tom Odell

4. Good Looking: Suki Waterhouse

5. Let Me Down Slowly: Alec Benjamin

6. Edge of Seventeen: Stevie Nicks

7. we fell in love in october: girl in red

8. What a Heavenly Way to Die: Troye Sivan

9. All The Things She Said: t.A.T.u

10. Too Much Love Will Kill You: Queen

Think you can do better than us?

Spot a grammatical error that, offends you?

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“Okay”

“I am

I am heartbroken,

If its bright, handwritten and surrounded by a box… it was probably made by Raymond

Puzzles & Games

~Spookoduko~

These brain-melting Sudokus are Frankenstein creation of Rosie

Rules

Normal Sudoku rules apply: Each row, column and 3x3 box has the digits of 1-9 exactly once.

All cages in the puzzle sum to either 10 or 31, with no repeat digits allowed.

The 3 marked diagonals sum to either 10 or 31, with no repeat digits allowed.

[The first correct answer sent to: travistytrinity@gmail.com wins a prize]

Caption Competition

Send your caption to: travistytrinity@gmail.com the funniest wins a prize!

TCSUduko Rules

Normal Sudoku rules apply: Each row, column and 3x3 box has the digits of 1-9 exactly once.

[Answer on page 15]

Travisty Writers’ Formal - 32nd October

Surprise, shock and scare your taste buds with Travisty’s fine(ish) dining experience

All the items in the below menu have been tested, and possibly even relished, by Trinity students in the past. Travisty takes inspiration from those who have passed before us in these hallowed halls, and brings to you a menu to remember. Unfortunately, Travisty could not accommodate for all dietary preferences and requirements. This may be a good thing.

Starters:

Eggs à l’Ecosse: A startling combination of delectable fried eggs from Hall left out over porridge that

despite being hot originally – is guaranteed to be slightly cold by the time that you come to eat it. A real textural delight as the yolk stays separated from the porridge.

Tomato Soup with Custard Cream Croutons: A little unexpected, perhaps, to have biscuits precede the coffee, but the sweet warmth of tomato soup meshes well with the sweet of a custard cream. An instant British classic, wonderful for all the family.

Main Courses:

Saumon deux fois: Grilled salmon served two ways, accompanied by a banana for a taste of colonialism, and placed in a sandwich overflowing with Twiglets (brown bread, to aid the digestion). Accompanied by 500g of cashew nuts (do NOT try this at home).

Un diplomate défoncé: Trifle for a main may be unexpected, but these layers of fish fingers covered in roasted garlic, honeyed bacon, and fried eggs topped with slices of cheese are form an unforgettable bowl of joy. Microwaved and covered in pepper, this will be remembered by your tastebuds for ever.

Dessert:

Toad in the Hole: We took the sausages served at brunch. We took the chocolate sauce that is allegedly meant for the waffles, and layered it generously over the top of the sausages to create a sweet-toothed twist on another British classic.

Toast: Served with butter, barbecue sauce, ketchup, chocolate sauce and sprinkles.

Coffee and Biscuits:

Served with tonic water or mozzarella brine.

The biscuits consist of one (1) whole Battenberg cake each.

This Menu is the marvellous creation of Thomas Frith OBE (he was awarded his OBE after he presented this very meal to Charles III) Some of the above items are really not recommended for consumption, and Travisty takes no responsibility for any intestinal damages incurred.

The Billboard

Smart STEM student needed! Programming Wizz kid needed to complete my computing assignment for me. It’s not my fault they shoved coding into my information engineering course. Will pay with food!

Worn twice Soiled once £25 fat13@cam.ac.uk

New invention! Go Fund Me!

GPS not working? No identifying features to use for map reading? Well try the all new Sextant, and know where you are without fail!

Horrorscopes

Aries

Think you’ve found love this term? Think again. Venus has entered the False Cross and she is playing tricks on you. Time to get back on Tinder.

Taurus

So many great rivalries are on their way out: Messi v Ronaldo, Federer v Nadal, Roe v Wade, the list goes on. Why don’t you start a new one yourself? Blast “Baby” by Justin Bieber at full volume at 2am every night and I’m sure you’ll soon have a healthy rivalry with your neighbours. And the Porters.

Gemini

Kwasi Kwarteng is a Gemini, so it’s no surprise that you’re so broke. Unfortunately I can’t help you with this. Don’t worry, I’m sure Jeremy Hunt will fix everything.

Cancer

Dimorphos has moved into your sign, and he is angry, probably because NASA smashed a spacecraft into him. He may be out for revenge, so beware of falling rocks. And falling tree branches. I suggest that you avoid walking down the Avenue in windy weather.

Leo

Mercury has gone retro, so I recommend watching Bohemian Rhapsody for the 8th time. It’s a masterpiece of modern

cinema. Isn’t it amazing that that they found a famous actor whose singing sounds exactly like Freddie’s?

Virgo

We’ve heard that you’ve been in a car accident that wasn’t your fault. But it wasn’t an accident. Someone out there is trying to get you. We don’t know who, but you’re in serious danger and we’re here to keep you safe. Our services are available to buy at https://bit.ly/30ntoDX.

Libra

Fornax Corrugata (the radiator) is in unilateral descent, so the heating still hasn’t come on in your room. Sucks to be you. I recommend fighting fire with fire, or should I say, ice with ice. Can’t you beat the system by attaching an ice pack to your thermostat?

Scorpio

Mars will soon be crossing the sagittal plane, which means that you need to stay away from Leos this month. How do you spot them, I hear you ask? That’s the issue. You can’t. They’re everywhere. They can’t be stopped. It was nice knowing you.

Sagittarius

You need to stay away from Leos this month. No, not people born between 23 July and 22 August. People called Leo.

Capricorn

Pegasus has flown too close to the Sun and sustained third degree burns to his wings. As you see his stars falling from the sky, you are filled with inspiration. Come to the Travisty Writers’ Meeting at 7pm tomorrow in the JCR!

Aquarius

You’re walking down the path towards Burrell’s Field on a clear moonless night when suddenly the lights go out. You can’t see a thing. You hear a rustling in the bushes, and then you think you see a figure stepping out into the path in front of you. In the inky blackness you can’t be truly sure, but something tells you that it’s real, and that you urgently need to turn back and run. But try as you might, you can’t move your legs. You’re rooted to the spot. The figure starts to move closer – it’s definitely real now –and you notice that it’s holding a scythe. You feel the darkness of the night spreading into your soul and then you wake up. It was all a dream. Your heart is still pounding, but life is good. Until you remember that you’ve missed your essay deadline.

Pisces

[Editor’s note: this horrorscope was too morbid to publish. I think maybe Harry took the Halloween theme a bit too far.]

Harry M. had to sell a soul for this glimpse into your future (not his own soul ofc; he’s not silly)