Travisty #103 - Spooktober Special

The Independent Trinity Newspaper since 2007

Floreat Pica

#103

“BOO!!!”

Contents

Bet I scared you there! Hope you are having a frightful term so far; but I have to warn you, things are about to get a whole lot scarier [we haven't reached week 5 yet].

So Halloween approaches. To those uninitiated,

we’re going to have two-ish weeks where

News Feature Articles Advice Reviews Puzzles & Games Food The Billboard Horrorscopes -

3 4-8 9 10-11 12-13 14 15 16

Cambridge smells like Pumkin Spice Lattes and a further 6 weeks of soft mushy leaves on all the footpaths. But at least we get one night to attempt to connect with our long lost ancestors [by dressing up as characters from their nightmares].

If there is a time to learn how to make a pentagram, it is now! You might also want to pre-

~ Your Editors ~ Misha “Muppet” Medvedev — Never fails to provide incompetence in its purest form.

order a sacrificial lamb as they sell out quick.

Raymond “Hayden” Ramm —

Anyway, I present to you our creepiest work yet.

Changed his permanent residence to

I’d turn back now if I were you, ’cause them next

the Pippard Lecture Theatre.

pages is haunted. Yep they say that they ‘rote this

Ruby Sanders-“Française” —

issue while standin’ on the old Indian burial ground.

It’s cursed I tell ya!

Was apprehended by authorities while trying to smuggle 24kg of

Yours,

~Misha

~ Your Ominous Writers ~

Cheddar through Calais.

Francesca “Stumped” Gilks — spent £250 in one pub in two hours.

Good luck beating that!

Harry Metrebian — Has been here for so long that Isaac Newton was his college dad.

Rosie Baish — Provided the real horror

Harry Devlin — voted TCSU Platonic Sharking Officer.

of this issue: the Sudokus on page 13 .

Lisa Delaney — Was kicked out of her own room for singing the EM Spectrum

‘London Gatwick’ — A stymied banana farmer.

Song.

- Cover Photo “Wait… are pumpkins supposed to do that? ”

- Sp00ktober Font by AEN Creative Studio -

Floreat Pica

Taken by Misha Medvedev

Disclaimer: This is a work of satiric fiction. Do not try any stunts, events or other ideas described in this publication at home, college or anywhere else. Injury, death or even a deaning may be a consequence.

#103

News

£0.00 - All it costs is your dignity Your news correspondents for this week are Misha and Ruslan

This Week’s

Headlines

Travisty declares independence from Magpie and Stump.

We prefer the term “Faux News”

An historic declaration was signed last Wednesday, in which the President of Magpie and

46th Annual Pillow Fight cancelled as College

Stump conceded the last remnants of their

paper arrives on Dean’s desk.

overlordship of the paper. The Comedy Club

Reports have recently come in suggesting that our

placed Travisty “under-wing” in 2016. Times

Dean does indeed read this publication—much to

have changed since then,

the dismay of Travisty’s Writers and Editors who

and with Magpie’s new

believed they could stir mischief with impunity. A

leadership finding their

spokesperson for the paper stated, “It would be

feet, the Editors seized the

unwise and irresponsible to attend or attempt the

moment to claim

events listed in the last issue… unless you are a

sovereignty. With their

trained professional like myself”.

hands tied, the Stump caved.

Not-at-all-Headless Nigel spotted in the Pierce Hostel.

He’s been there for as long as anyone can

remember. They say he got lost one time and Scooby Doo and the gang costumes sold out prior couldn’t find the way out. The ‘Lost in Pierce to Halloween.

Society’ will hold their annual vigil this Friday.

No surprises here! This year, as in every year,

Travisty Writers angered as Government U-turns

‘Scooby Doo’ outfits have run out city-wide. Last

ruin well written jokes.

November, costume manufactures promised to

“It’s just not fair! I put time and effort into crafting

increase production; however, stocks have still

the perfect Kwarteng joke, and he’s gone before we

dried up. “I think it’s a big conspiracy,” one

could publish it”, one writer explained. “At least

shopper said. “Think about it. If they keep supply

Truss is assertive that she’ll stay . Which is great

low and demand high…”. It is this reporter’s belief that it’s about time people find a fresh way to dress

‘cause I got an arsenal waiting for her!”

up, because getting five people to wear

Cambridge colleges to divest from fossil fuels to

complementary outfits isn’t really that impressive.

protect wine cellars from sea level rise.

Residents rage as Cambridge Christmas lighting

“We’ve got the old irrelevant books covered with

goes up.

the Wren. But won’t someone please think of the

“They put them up in OCTOBER!!!”

Floreat Pica

innocent wine bottles in our cellars?”

- All Images from Original Source or Wikimedia Commons -

3

#103

Feature Articles

Sunday 23rd October 2022

Barry the Blue Boar Sighted!

Our undercover reporter [code name: ’London Gatwick’] goes whole hog in this exposé Residents of Blue Boar Court, beware! There have recently been multiple confirmed sightings of an actual blue boar roving around the court. Thought to pose a clear and present danger to student life, Barry —as he has been christened by Travisty writers— weighs in at 200kg and stands five feet tall and ten feet long, with teeth like knives and tusks longer than a mathmo’s lecture timetable. Make no mistake: this is no ordinary pig. Barry is here to stay and he is here to slay.

But why has Barry appeared now? In a way, he’s what Blue Boar Court has been waiting for ever since it was built: an explanation for its apparently absurd name. Alas, Travisty can disclose that Barry was actually smuggled into Blue Boar under cover of night by a dedicated team of John’s zoologists. Last June, the powers that be at The College Which Must Not Be Named, reflecting on another year and another year’s failure to get the better of us in any meaningful sense, threatened their leading zoology students with expulsion unless they agreed to spend the summer travelling the world in search of a deadly, dangerous animal to let loose on Trinity in the new academic year. Barry, it turns out, was the best they could do.

After pumping him full of a veritable cocktail of high-end drugs, each designed to increase aggression and physical power, Barry was put under general anaesthetic for the journey to Trinity last Wednesday. Clad all in black and using grappling hooks to scale our walls, the zoologists had to enlist the help of John’s rowers to lift the dead weight of Barry’s sedated body over into Blue Boar Court. Once the feat was accomplished, Barry was placed just outside the entrance to the Wolfson Building to await his first victim. His fur had been dyed blue in the lab.

An unexpected side-effect of the intensive drugs programme Barry was put through is that he doesn’t physically exist in daylight. It is only at night-time that his atoms re-form into a recognisable whole and he resumes his John’s-induced hunt for human flesh. But we here at Travisty live in hope: we will award a lifetime of free drinks at the college bar to anyone who can pacify Barry and reverse-engineer him into a weapon to be used against John’s. Surely, such an end to Barry’s story is one we could all cheer.

TRAVISTY MERCHANDISE - MATÉRIEL FOR FRESHERS THROUGH FINALISTS TRAVISTY PUMPKIN

(SPECIAL EDITION)

NORMAL PILLOW - £15 Be one step up in your sleep schedule. Get the Official Battle Normal Pillow today!

TRAVISTY CHRISMAS CARDS It’s never too early to be a

A one-of-a-kind piece of art. If you

good consumer and spend

thought taping a banana to a wall was

you hard earnt loan on Christmas gifts.

BIDS START AT £1 MILLION

Set of 5 Travisty Cards: £2.50

Floreat Pica

cool, then look no further.

(A pint and a pack of Monster Munch is also acceptable)

4

#103

Feature Articles

£0.00 - All it costs is your dignity

Top 5 Sp00kiest Triposes, in Ascending Order Raymond justifies the name of this issue with his supernatural analysis of all things sp00k 5: Land Economy We’re not entirely sure that this Tripos actually exists. But if it did, it would be some combination of education in aristocratic land management and animal husbandry. Of course, this would be the perfect cocktail for preparing the UK’s next generation of landed gentry for a life at the top of the caste, moulding them into Gothic, Shelleyan figures destined to spend the hours gazing out upon their moors from the confines of a deteriorating and dilapidated castle.

4: Linguistics What, exactly, do linguists do?

There are only two of them in my year here at Trinity, and both of them have masterful ways of evading the question. During their many hours of toil, what do they study? Where do all of them go during the daylight hours?

Who are they, really, under the surface? Logic suggests that they are tortured souls of the damned; some sp00ky denizens of Trinity’s private purgatory, organ scholars who met their demise by falling into the pipes and never being rescued. Whatever they do, wherever they are… they will always be watching.

Floreat Pica

3: Natural Sciences

For every physicist who’s read QED, there are a dozen Englings Forgoing trifles of the mortal who have memorised the violent realm, NatScis concern and brutal deaths of innumerable themselves only with the abstract protagonists at the close of a fivestudies of particles, boxes on act Shakespearean tragedy. strings, disease and plants. But Maybe they just get off on death spookiest of all is the way they like the rest of us. Or, perchance, seem to be able to slip, unnoticed, beneath the surface lies into almost any social gathering. something even more macabre.

Straddling the line dividing Perhaps they are preparing for seclusion on one side (see something… Sp00kier.

Mathmos, CompScis in the Appendix) and social integration 1: Mathematics on the other (Engineers, Econs), They never talk. They never eat.

NatScis are well-placed They never sleep. Perhaps, shapeshifting spies able to unbeknownst to us, they slip into replicate normal human a titanium coffin for an hour each behaviour and activity without night, the internal surfaces having any understanding of inscribed with increasingly either. We may wear sporting complex depictions of clothes and speak of nights at the multidimensional manifolds. Do bar… But have you ever seen a they dream of Gauss? Sex? Do single one of us pick up a hockey they dream at all? It may just be stick or down a shot at Vinyl? the case that we never know.

The more you think about it, the (Bonus tip: don’t leave your room less sure you will be. after midnight on the 31st, as this 2: English Literature is the one day a year when all mathmos, in a display of Our own Lord Byron laid the meticulous coordination, roam groundwork for these unique the grounds unhindered, reaping scholars of the humanities. the souls of any applied scientists Immersing themselves in the they find). works of Byron, Shakespeare and the many white men who compose the established canon, Englings spend years studying tales of tragedy, murder, betrayal, haunting and horror.

5

#103

Feature Articles Sunday 23rd October 2022 The Strange Case of the Vanishing Misha Harry D. lays out Jean-Rugman III’s life’s work: a who dunnit of Zodiac caliber It was a disturbingly peaceful All Hallows’ Eve, back in 1976. Steve: The Porter The fellows had finally laid down their research documents or sub-par student essays. The students had just arisen like the dead, after an intense series of dance sessions at Sunday Lolas the night before (some things never change). The staff had all taken a well-deserved break for the night, except for two porters who stoically manned the Great Gate of Trinity College.

Alibi: ‘Well, I saw this bloke walk in. He was a short lad, I didn’t get a glimpse of his face and I honestly thought he was just handing in a lost Camcard. I went about my rounds, told some freshers to stop skinny-dipping in the fountain, broke up a social or two in the JCR and filed a report in the morning before my shift ended. To be honest mate, I was sat on that desk playing solitaire and watching cameras until the initial incident.’

Detective Jean-Rugman (Circa 1976) At the stroke of midnight, whilst the Wiccan sipped mystical potions known as coffee to meet a deadline, a strange man approached the silent plodge. ‘Do you have a Camcard, mate?’ the porter bellowed, but to no avail as the figure slinked hurriedly towards the service desk. Much to the porter’s surprise he supplied a card that read, ‘Misha Medvedev’. Alas, before he could utter ‘cheers’ in relief, the shifty figure scurried back out the gates, as if some random on Ticketbridge was finally willing to part with their Halloween bop tickets.

Detective’s Notes: There were no other witnesses than Steve and his partner at the arrival of the shrouded figure. I employed the questionable skills of the TCSU Computing Officer, Jakob Alwall Sr, to investigate his Spider Solitaire activity. We noticed that the times given for when he was absent from the plodge did not align with said Spider Solitaire activity, which occurred at 10pm, two whole hours before the initial incident. Even his partner was either absent or mysteriously resisted the urge to continue the said game of Spider Solitaire. Sus.

Professor Plum [No Relation] Alibi: I honestly haven’t had the desire to see Mr Medvedev since supervising him for Maths in first year. However, this is not an indication of malice — why would I wait two years to expel him from the college? I am sure he has come a long way since first year — wait, what?

The next morning, the new shift of porters investigated Where was I the night he Misha’s room, the JCR and bar, even the FaT boathouse. He disappeared? I was at CERN that had seemingly disappeared from the recollection of many in evening smashing atoms together, as college and more importantly, just, yaknow, actually couldn’t Mathematicians are prone to do, of be found. Even to this day, rumours persist of an ethereal course. How did I make this Misha who wanders the halls of Trinity and haunts poor interview? A plane, you churl.

Travisty writers.

Detective’s Notes: Yes, the suspect ran off when I pushed his The following case files are the prime suspects for Misha’s alibi, but I’m more curious about the existence of a Maths sudden disappearance, collated by the infamous detective professor who has faith in a student? I suppose there must and rugby/religious figurehead, Jean-Rugman III, alongside always be an exception that proves the rule, but I still have renowned Impressionist crime-scene-sketch-artist, Deputy my doubts. Moreover, after analysis of Plum’s lexicon, I have Penning. deduced there is no way a Maths Professor would think of the Middle Ages term ‘churl’ as an off-the-cuff insult.

I must inquire what a CERN is before further deliberation.

Floreat Pica

6

#103

Feature Articles

£0.00 - All it costs is your dignity

Fergus McRowfess: Boat-Master General Alibi: Was Misha late to rowing?

Often, but aren’t you supposed to be asking me where I was on the night of his disappearance? It just sounds like you’re trying to gather evidence against me at this point. Anyway, if you need to know we were having a vigorous midnight outing all the way along to Grantches — wait, wait, wait. Weren’t you the one that removed our Chaplain’s Squash table request?

Detective’s Notes: After great amounts of thought, I do admit that correlation is not always causation. Just because I heard there was a ‘Pub Landlord’ in a place called ‘Trinity’ does not mean that he was in fact, Head of Catering, Ian Reinhardt. Despite clearly interrogating the wrong suspect, I had a great time at his stand-up, 10/10 would recommend.

Al Murray: The Pub Landlord Alibi: Right, what was I doing that night? So I was performing in this posh restaurant called Trinity.

To be honest mate, I don’t actually know why you’re interviewing me considering you were also at the event the whole time, you get me? Nah, so, anyway, it was a great show, going very well and then this ginger goblin paraded in asking if I knew a Misha. Well, sorry to say lad, but av got no clue who is he even. Are you gunna pay me for wasting my time during the show?

The wine was decent but I couldn't get behind the wafers.

Sorry Al, but you did go to Oxford, so you enter the suspect lineup.

Ambrosio Winters: Chaplain

Alibi: Oh I was in the Chapel as always, providing great Detective’s Notes: After barely escaping the boathouse with counsel. In fact, I had seen my life, I learnt that the rowers are a very dedicated, perhaps Misha earlier that night around zealous group, willing to defend the club from anyone 10pm. What did we talk about? wishing to bring it into disrepute. It seems Misha may have Well, a bit of everything really: got on their wrong side. I tried to return to do some postGod, repentance, what a tithe is reconnaissance, but ran away in fear after hearing them talk and why he should pay it to about affixing handles to ‘blades’. my personal bank account, just a bit of everything really. He is Bogdan Sr: Travisty Yugoslav Correspondent such a lovely man and I hope Alibi: E buraz, rekao sam ti da ne that your investigation will mogu svake dve nedelje da ti donosim eventually prove fruitful. I’d hate for anything bad to happen cigare... A, Miša nestao? Ne, ne znam to him. Could I interest you in some wine and communion ništa o tome. Tad sam ti bio u Bokoj wafers? na moru. Ako ga nađeš, nemoj mu reći da si me video.

Detective’s Notes: Mozart’s Lacrimosa was ringing incessantly around the halls of the chapel when I found Detective’s Notes: I liked his hair, he Ambrosio polishing Newton’s statue. I’m unsure if he seems really nice. I honestly don’t wanted to sound guilty or was completely oblivious, but know what to do with this either way I must admit the man has an uncanny information or how I even transcribed this. However, I now resemblance to John Wick. I’m not one to make assumptions have an ancient sleeve of Morava cigarettes. but there was definitely something amiss.

Floreat Pica

Closing Statements: Writing now as I am to you in 2022, It is clear that after almost 50 years of tireless investigation, I still have no idea who did it. So, it is ultimately up to you, the brightest Travisty readers of Trinity, to submit your theories on who the culprit really was. The most inventive displays of detective work will find a reward and personal thank you from myself, The One and Only, Jean-Rugman III

7

Submit your suggestions on who dunnit to: travistytrinity@gmail.com the most creative will win a prize!

#103

Not-so Featured Articles

Sunday 23rd October 2022

Seductive Samantha 5 parts of college Setting up a life that were Top 10 hottest Who put the better during the society, running freshers it for a few Grenades in the pandemic months then Cam? The Magpie: An giving up: An Edgar Allen Poe [Subject] Reviews Odyssey parody for straight/gay What really men/women happened to Fun things to do in the Fellows’ garden ‘Newton’s Cradle’?

Cambridge Ket dealers, ranked by 5 recipes to cook on affordability How to make a The fastest way the electric out of fireplace in your Molotov cocktail (oh wait we’ve Cambridge room to escape the already done that How law by punt issue #34) Where to place the barrel of gunpowder Hotwiring Fellows’ such that all of the Cars (How to) Union is demolished Rejected Articles Raymond & Misha declassify some ideas St. John’s Buttery: Mathmos: The that went straight to an honest review Definitive IQ the bin Rankings Why RAM 5 College rules you A serious conversation laundry cards could (probably) about [Subject] are the new get away with crypto So, you think your breaking college mum is hot?

What if the Staff and Fellows How to smuggle switched for a day? silver iodide into Top 5 rooms the Wren ranked by asbestos content A Travisty Why having six podcast where A realistic guide to both Kwarteng wives shows that university and Henry loved and Charles III How to burn college politics women and he are guests (hope you like must have been a evidence using the toaster in your gyp kissing feet, or huge feminist being a shill) because of it Why a week 5 chocolate makes up How Travisty deals with your Night-climbing: An for no reading week complaints: A flowchart overly graphical guide Why land economy is the best subject

Floreat Pica

8

#103

Advice . .

Spooky Simon

£0.00 - All it costs is your dignity

Whether you’re haunted by ghosts or the mistakes you’ve made, Simon is here to lay it all to rest.

Dear Simon, My blood ritual invoking the unholy spirit of Baphomet went awry after sacrificing my parents.

Am I doing it right? Thanks, Family Therapy.

Dear Family Therapy, You were clearly adopted. Congratulations! Unfortunately, the ritual only works when biological parents are offered up on the unholy black altar of Satan. Hope this helps.

Dear Simon, The voices in my wall continue to call out to me in my sleep, begging me to unearth their bones in the Fellows’ Garden and finally give their spirits rest. What should I do? Thanks, Sleep Deprived.

Dear Sleep Deprived, Sounds seriously sp00ky. You’re probably dealing with the ghosts of previous deans. Any expert worth his, her or their salt would tell you that the best way forward is burning sage and ignoring any glowing eyes that seem to appear in the wallpaper every night at the Witching Hour.

Dear Simon, My bedder keeps leaving drawings of pentagrams on my walls. Last week, I even found a

severed cat leg in my bed. Are they coming onto me? Thanks, Bedder Bachelor.

Dear Bedder Bachelor, Sadly, no. Your bedder has clearly noticed your Toxic Personality and is trying to slowly exorcise the demons within before you inflict your bullshit on the rest of the year. Try talking less about how many internships you got this summer, and spend less time indoors.

Dear Simon, I’m working on my resume as an up-and-coming horror movie antagonist, but all of my victims continue to flee from me at above walking speed, while I’m obligated to maintain the industry-recommended “creepy walking pace” for cinematic effect. What should I do? Thanks, Jason101.

Dear Jason101, Don’t worry! Everyone starts out the same way. The key to any good slasher film is dramatic timing. Make sure to disappear at odd times and then (suddenly and inexplicably) reappear in the bathtub or attic without explanation. Take a page out of Scream’s book and buddy-up with a fellow killer; some of the best slasher flicks are actually team efforts. Best of luck!

Dear Simon, I’m working on bending my Supervisor to my will using a classic Binding Spell. Where’s the best place to source virgin blood in Cambridge? Lots of love, Young and Hopeful.

Dear Young and Hopeful,

It should be available on demand from any good physicist or mathmo. Your best bet is to make your way over to the Cavendish or Centre for Mathematical Sciences and going from there.

Dear Simon, Is the Angel Court laundry haunted? Thanks, Head Porter.

Dear Head Porter, Yes.

Floreat Pica

9

#103

Reviews

Sunday 23rd October 2022

Music Reviews for Heartbroken, Frustrated Bisexual Men

points if you hook up with another guy over the sounds of Could Never Be Heaven, which is basically a darker, psychosexual retelling of the Wizard of Oz. As if the original wasn’t horny enough.

AM by the Arctic Monkeys — 3/10

Raymond turns over vinyl faster than new lovers in weeks review

What is this toxic bullshit? Did all of the American incels and drunk, closeted homophobe fathers come together to make an album? Absolutely no references to We’ve had the entire cultural menagerie here in the men banging other men, so a lot of marks lost there.

Bisexual Culture column of Travisty: books, films, you Not to mention that Do I Wanna Know and R U Mine are name it! But this week, we’re taking a musical dive that literally the exact same fucking song with the swings both ways, if you get what I mean. So bust out “Misogyny Settings” tweaked from one track to the your leather jackets and turntables. You’re a bisexual next. I’ve actually had to play one of these songs live. man, so face it — you’ve got both.

Fuck my life. Almost made me give up guitar.

Call Me By Your Name Soundtrack (Sufjan Stevens et al.) — 8/10 Our boy Sufjan Stevens helps us in kicking today’s list off. The Call Me By Your Name soundtrack is riddled with catchy songs reminiscent of warm summers beneath the Mediterranean and Spanish dusks — the perfect backing soundtrack for raunchy encounters with your fellow male. If you’re able to look past *that* peach scene, you might find yourself going back again and again to the Doveman remix of Futile Devices.

Maybe you’re basic like me and just listen to Visions of Gideon on repeat for six hours at a time (coincidentally, the soundtrack to my second (and most gut-wrenching) breakup). Too bad that Armie Hammer eats people now.

American Idiot by Green Day — 8/10 I remember finally thinking being a bisexual man was A -OK once I read that Billie Joe Armstrong took a little from column A and from column B. Here was some guy wearing makeup and selling millions of records. Those of you who knew me in First Year might remember my ill-advised forays into male eyeliner experimentation.

Well, fuck it. It was worth it. I dyed my hair black, too.

Deal with it.

American Idiot would already qualify for 7/10 even if it was just Armstrong singing Jesus of Suburbia endlessly for 50 minutes. Album closer, Whatsername, cements the notion that we don’t need women at all. Or men, for that matter.

Develop an alter ego and commit petty crime is the moral of

Science Fiction by Brand New — 10/10 Potentially my favourite album of all time (even beating out Nirvana’s Nevermind, and yes, my close friends and acquaintances will immediately recognise the gravity of that claim), Science Fiction just plain fucking slaps.

From songs about Oppenheimer and the atomic bomb to deep sea creatures and extra-terrestrial adversaries, this New Jersey band’s final album has got it all. Bonus

this concept album’s story. Give it a listen, yesterday.

- Science Fiction and American Idiot album designs used under fair use -

Floreat Pica

10

#103

Reviews Led Zeppelin IV by… Led Zeppelin. Obviously. — 7.8/10

£0.00 - All it costs is your dignity Stranger in the Alps by Phoebe Bridgers — 8.5/10

Damn, this woman can sing. And write. And play It’s a well known fact that queer men like Lord of the guitar. There’s literally no need to have men around Rings and heroin. If you can’t relate to that statement, anymore because people like Phoebe and Ellie Rowsell that’s your problem and not mine. Apologies for have this whole “music” malarkey wrapped up quite triggering a crisis of sexuality, but you just don’t count. nicely. Bridgers’ debut album demolishes and All bisexual men base their homoerotic outings on the reconstructs your mind track-by-track, starting strong strong, platonic foundation that underpinned Frodo with Smoke Signals before she just goes full fuck-it and and Sam’s relationship, made EXTRA HOT by the tells her ex-boyfriend what a useless jackass he was on massive power dynamic between them. Well, anyway, Motion Sickness. To be honest, the entire album makes a Led Zep IV has both Rings and heroin in spades. Get good case for giving up on men altogether. I would stoned to Black Dog to kick things off, then just trip the encourage you to consider the same — after all, I have. fuck out while staring at the ceiling throughout Stairway And I’ve turned out just fine-ish. to Heaven. Maybe you’ll see elves up there or something. Give it a go.

“Okay” you say, “I am bisexual. I am heartbroken, and frustrated. But I’m not a man!”

Well, don’t worry! Lisa has got you covered with her own list.

It’s that time of year again when the weather is getting colder and you’re back with your nose to the grindstone.

October should be a month of festivities and joy with Halloween around the corner, but too often it’s more about breaking up, getting broken up with, getting back with your ex after they drunk called you to say they made a mistake … and so on and so forth. Anyway, what better way to ease the pain of existence than by listening to songs that speak to you on a primal level?

Think you can do better than us?

Here are ten song recommendations for the broken-hearted bisexuals amongst us to laugh/cry/drink to.

Spot a grammatical error that, offends you?

Are sick of being an NPC and want to actually do something with your life?

1. Sorry: Meg Myers 2. Only a Girl: Gia Woods 3. Another Love: Tom Odell

JOIN TRAVISTY!

4. Good Looking: Suki Waterhouse 5. Let Me Down Slowly: Alec Benjamin 6. Edge of Seventeen: Stevie Nicks

Free food!

Free drink!

7. we fell in love in october: girl in red

Now with a ‘Money-Back Guarantee’

8. What a Heavenly Way to Die: Troye Sivan 9. All The Things She Said: t.A.T.u

Every other Monday: 7pm JCR

10. Too Much Love Will Kill You: Queen

Floreat Pica

11

#103

Puzzles & Games

Sunday 23rd October 2022

If its bright, handwritten and surrounded by a box… it was probably made by Raymond

Floreat Pica

12

#103

Puzzles & Games

£0.00 - All it costs is your dignity

~ Spookoduko ~

These brain-melting Sudokus are Frankenstein creation of Rosie Rules Normal Sudoku rules apply: Each row, column and 3x3 box has the digits of 1-9 exactly once.

All cages in the puzzle sum to either 10 or 31, with no repeat digits allowed.

The 3 marked diagonals sum to either 10 or 31, with no repeat digits allowed.

[The first correct answer sent to:

travistytrinity@gmail.com wins a prize]

Caption Competition

TCSUduko Rules

Normal Sudoku rules Send your caption to: apply: Each row, travistytrinity@gmail.com column and 3x3 box has the funniest wins a prize! the digits of 1-9 exactly once.

[Answer on page 15]

Floreat Pica

13

#103

Food

Sunday 23rd October 2022

Travisty Writers’ Formal - 32nd October

Surprise, shock and scare your taste buds with Travisty’s fine(ish) dining experience All the items in the below menu have been tested, and possibly even relished, by Trinity students in the past.

Travisty takes inspiration from those who have passed before us in these hallowed halls, and brings to you a menu to remember. Unfortunately, Travisty could not accommodate for all dietary preferences and requirements. This may be a good thing.

Starters: Eggs à l’Ecosse: A startling combination of delectable fried eggs from Hall left out over porridge that – despite being hot originally – is guaranteed to be slightly cold by the time that you come to eat it. A real textural delight as the yolk stays separated from the porridge.

Tomato Soup with Custard Cream Croutons: A little unexpected, perhaps, to have biscuits precede the coffee, but the sweet warmth of tomato soup meshes well with the sweet of a custard cream. An instant British classic, wonderful for all the family.

Main Courses: Saumon deux fois: Grilled salmon served two ways, accompanied by a banana for a taste of colonialism, and placed in a sandwich overflowing with Twiglets (brown bread, to aid the digestion). Accompanied by 500g of cashew nuts (do NOT try this at home).

Un diplomate défoncé: Trifle for a main may be unexpected, but these layers of fish fingers covered in roasted garlic, honeyed bacon, and fried eggs topped with slices of cheese are form an unforgettable bowl of joy. Microwaved and covered in pepper, this will be remembered by your tastebuds for ever.

Dessert: Toad in the Hole: We took the sausages served at brunch. We took the chocolate sauce that is allegedly meant for the waffles, and layered it generously over the top of the sausages to create a sweet-toothed twist on another British classic.

Toast: Served with butter, barbecue sauce, ketchup, chocolate sauce and sprinkles.

Coffee and Biscuits: Served with tonic water or mozzarella brine.

The biscuits consist of one (1) whole Battenberg cake each.

This Menu is the marvellous creation of Thomas Frith OBE (he was awarded his OBE after he presented this very meal to Charles III) Some of the above items are really not recommended for consumption, and Travisty takes no responsibility for any intestinal damages incurred.

Floreat Pica

14

#103

The Billboard

£0.00 - All it costs is your dignity

Smart STEM student needed!

Programming Wizz kid needed to complete my computing assignment for me. It’s not my fault they shoved coding into my information engineering

course. Will pay with food!

FaT All in One for Sale Worn twice Soiled once £25 fat13@cam.ac.uk

New invention! Go Fund Me! GPS not working? No

TCSU– doku answer

identifying features to use for map reading? Well try the all new Sextant, and know where you are without fail!

Advertise your business, services, goods or trade opportunities here!

Contact Misha for details to see YOUR name in our classifieds!

We can’t survive without the revenue.

Floreat Pica

15

#103

Horrorscopes

Sunday 23rd October 2022

Harry M. had to sell a soul for this glimpse into your future (not his own soul ofc; he’s not silly) Aries

cinema. Isn’t it amazing that that they

Capricorn

Think you’ve found love this term?

found a famous actor whose singing

Pegasus has flown too close to the Sun

Think again. Venus has entered the

sounds exactly like Freddie’s?

and sustained third degree burns to his

False Cross and she is playing tricks on you. Time to get back on Tinder.

Taurus

wings. As you see his stars falling from

Virgo

the sky, you are filled with inspiration.

We’ve heard that you’ve been in a car

Come to the Travisty Writers’ Meeting

accident that wasn’t your fault. But it

at 7pm tomorrow in the JCR!

So many great rivalries are on their way wasn’t an accident. Someone out there is out: Messi v Ronaldo, Federer v Nadal, trying to get you. We don’t know who,

Aquarius

Roe v Wade, the list goes on. Why don’t

but you’re in serious danger and we’re

You’re walking down the path towards

you start a new one yourself? Blast

here to keep you safe. Our services are

Burrell’s Field on a clear moonless night

“Baby” by Justin Bieber at full volume at

available to buy at

when suddenly the lights go out. You

2am every night and I’m sure you’ll

https://bit.ly/30ntoDX.

can’t see a thing. You hear a rustling in

soon have a healthy rivalry with your

the bushes, and then you think you see a

Libra

figure stepping out into the path in front

Fornax Corrugata (the radiator) is in

of you. In the inky blackness you can’t

Gemini

unilateral descent, so the heating still

be truly sure, but something tells you

Kwasi Kwarteng is a Gemini, so it’s no

hasn’t come on in your room. Sucks to

that it’s real, and that you urgently need

surprise that you’re so broke.

be you. I recommend fighting fire with

to turn back and run. But try as you

Unfortunately I can’t help you with this.

fire, or should I say, ice with ice. Can’t

might, you can’t move your legs. You’re

Don’t worry, I’m sure Jeremy Hunt will

you beat the system by attaching an ice

rooted to the spot. The figure starts to

fix everything.

pack to your thermostat?

move closer – it’s definitely real now –

neighbours. And the Porters.

and you notice that it’s holding a scythe.

Cancer

Scorpio

You feel the darkness of the night

Dimorphos has moved into your sign,

Mars will soon be crossing the sagittal

spreading into your soul… and then you

and he is angry, probably because

plane, which means that you need to

wake up. It was all a dream. Your heart

NASA smashed a spacecraft into him.

stay away from Leos this month. How

is still pounding, but life is good. Until

He may be out for revenge, so beware of do you spot them, I hear you ask? That’s you remember that you’ve missed your the issue. You can’t. They’re essay deadline. falling rocks. And falling tree branches. I suggest that you avoid walking down

everywhere. They can’t be stopped. It

the Avenue in windy weather.

was nice knowing you.

Pisces

Leo

Sagittarius

Mercury has gone retro, so I recommend

You need to stay away from Leos this

[Editor’s note: this horrorscope was too morbid to publish. I think maybe Harry took the Halloween theme a bit too far.]

watching Bohemian Rhapsody for the

month. No, not people born between 23

8th time. It’s a masterpiece of modern

July and 22 August. People called Leo.

Congratulations! You have reached the end.

Hungry for more? Go Online for an endless* catalogue of Travisty Floreat Pica

16

https://issuu.com/travistytrinity *Warning, catalogue may not be endless

#103