[The Stute] March 31, 2023 (Issue 21, Volume CXX)

Removal of elevators from residential towers!

by katie bloomer, staf righter

As many of you know, Snevets had to end the physical education requirement last year due to lack of funding. Apparently PE teachers were charging extra because they had to drag some students out of their rooms to get them to participate. That costs an extra $5 per person. Unfortunately, Snevets can’t afford that price increase because the majority of our tuition money goes towards the rubber ducks they give out at events.

President Narfarvar remembered hearing complaints about the elevators in the new residential towers always being broken and has decided to kill two ducks with one stone by removing the elevators altogether! Now Snevets doesn’t need to pay for repairs or hire PE teachers.

Unfortunately, the stairs are still not available due to the gates that the school refuses to unlock, so students must climb a ladder that is located in the chute where the elevators used to be. This

Press release: Bohoken water main break sparks inspiration for new water park

by nicole giardino, layout wizard

Bohoken has long been known for its busy streets, historic architecture, and stunning views of the NYC Skyline. However, the city has faced its fair share of challenges when it comes to its infrastructure — particularly its water mains. A water main break on Observer Highway recently

D4 project gone wrong: new sun created

by erin mcgee, mad scientist

With finals on the horizon, it’s going to be a mad dash to the finish with projects, unfinished homework, and tests. One such project, for Engineering Design 4 (D4), conducted by a group of sophomores in the basement of Burchard, accidentally created a new sun this week.

While no one knows how exactly this disaster was started, the St*te has some eyewitness reports of the incident. One professor expressed concerns about the new sun, but noted that it was not the worst thing that had happened in D4, and then refused to comment further. The group in question also told the St*te that they only had an 80% error for the lab, which they handed in as “good enough”. Our beloved Burchard building was also melted to the ground, but officials from Snevets commented that it was “not a huge loss ngl”. To make matters worse, reports flooded in soon after the incident of one sophomore who could be seen standing on the Burchard roof, wearing what appeared to be

The St*te goes broke, to be replaced by Stupe

by sanjana madhu,

washed up eic

The St*te has long been a highly esteemed student publication, tasked with the difficult yet necessary duty of recording the history of Snevets Institute of Technology. For over a century now, reporters have spent countless hours, wasting their hours in The St*te office, covering controversial stories, and disseminating campus news to the Snevets community. With a heavy heart, I report to you today that The St*te will no longer be publishing issues as a consequence of being severely broke.

Now, what was the cause of this bankruptcy?

homemade Doctor Octopus arms. Onlookers report hearing him yell: “I have the power of the sun in the palm of my hand!”

Scientists report that the results on the environment are mixed. One study suggested that the second sun will be phenomenal for solar power efficiency, while another indicates that it will be catastrophic for climate change, essentially ending the world and humanity as a whole. RIP.

When asked about the new arrangement for our solar system, Stevens students had some interesting opinions. “It’s like Tatooine!”, reported one excited freshman.

University officials also saw the bright side (get it?) of this issue.

“Stevens might not have had a Nobel Prize winner in almost 100 years,” commented one administrator, “but we’ve definitely made a larger mark on the solar system than any other research university.”

As Stevens, and Earth, moves into its new, short era of two suns, this event has clearly shone a light on D4. No matter watt (get it?) your opinions, we hope this new sun brightens your day.

made negative headlines, but the city has decided to turn this setback into an opportunity by creating a new water park!

The initial water main break occurred on Monday, February 7, and caused significant damage to the roadway and surrounding area. The cause of the break was determined to be a subcontractor working for PSE&G

Fire alarm testing everyday this week

by tanya avadia, the negotiator

The safety of students is very important at Snevets. For this reason, it has been decided that for the safety of all students living on campus, all the fire alarms will be tested throughout the course of the following week. The schedule that the fire alarm testing will following is:

1st test at 5:00 a.m.

2nd test at 5:41 a.m.

3rd test at 6:13 a.m.

Working together with the Bohoken Fire Department, the Snevets administration decided that because there are so many fire alarms in each residential building, they will choose a random residential hall everyday at the designated time to test. For this reason it is recommended that all students living on campus be prepared to evacuate the building each day between the times of 5:00 a.m. to 6:13 a.m. This means that those who are not early birds: be pre -

who “accidentally” struck the water main while performing “maintenance work”. While the incident caused inconvenience and disruption for residents and businesses in the area, the city saw an opportunity to turn the situation around and create a new attraction for visitors and locals alike.

According to Bohoken Mayor, Shmavi Rhalla, the

Castle Point gate seen on Storage Wars

by quentin jimenez, lab rat

A Snevets Institute of Technology relic was spotted on a recent episode of Storage Wars, leaving many students wondering if it would ever make a return, and even more confused about what it is in the first place.

In an episode from earlier this year, the show was visiting a local Jersey City self storage facility when during the auctioning of a particular unit, one of the bidders noticed something strange in the back of the garage, a bunch of old castle bricks and a sign labeled “Welcome to Snevets Institute of Technology.” After paying almost $4200 for the locker, and unable to check the interior prior to the auction, the new owners were anxious to get inside and see what the bricks were.

To their surprise, the back of the unit contained more than 30 crates full of old bricks, along with an I.O.U. labeled “I owe you one gatehouse - Nar-

SEE FIRE PAGE 2 SEE GATE PAGE 2

decision to turn the water main break into a new water park was a creative solution that would benefit the community. “We know that Bohoken residents love our parks and outdoor spaces,” Rhalla said in a statement. “The water main break on Observer Highway presented us with a unique opportunity to

In a public statement, The St*te said, “The St*te has long operated with the aid of the Student Government Association. Even with their support, we have insufficient funds due to the inflated prices of our publisher.” While this statement is true, what The St*te has failed to mention is precisely why the organization no longer has any money. In the big-

Commencement speaker selected! Ice Spice snubbed

by kayden cannoli, the janitor

The commencement speaker for the Class of 2023 has been selected, and The Stupe was able to gain insider information on the potential candidates. After a competitive selection process, it was decided that NJ Governor Bill Murphie would be the Commencement Speaker instead of the runner-up: rap legend and laureate Ice Spice. This comes as a major disappointment to students who really connect with her eloquent lyricism, evidenced by her chart-topping singles like “In Ha Mood,” which peaked at 69 on the Canadian Hot 100 (nice). Dr. Rev. Spice inspires students with thought-provoking philo-

sophical questions like “You thought I was feelin’ you?” and “How can I lose if I’m already chose?” which obviously resonate with the student body and address the issues that students care most about. “As a member of the Spice Cabinet, I was really disappointed in Snevets. Ice Spice is the greatest mind of this generation,” said Syd Phillips, a member of the SGA Cabinet. It’s unfortunate Lt. Colonel Spice was not given the honor, as she was additionally snubbed for the Grammys, and Nobel and Pulitzer Prizes, but ultimately Governor Murphie had greater availability compared to the busy rap superstar. When asked about the controversy, Murphie responded: “I have no idea who that is.”

graphic courtesy of ava wang

Masthead

Volume CXX No. 9+10 = 21

Executive Board

boss woman........................................isabella ziv ‘25 the negotiator................................tanya avadia ‘26 [barely] managing editor......................ava wang ‘25 layout wizard...............................nicole giardino ‘25 the janitor...................................kayden cannoli ‘24 internet explorer..............................rafael lee li ‘24 swammer........................................claire hannan ‘23 human spell check..........................keenan yates ‘24

Editorial Board

inside scoop..................................ben knobloch ‘25

inside scoop................................aswin aguinaga ‘23 mad scientist.....................................erin mcgee ‘25 someone with opinions............evan papageorge ‘26 professional baller............................christa ruiz ‘25 the specialist..................................tasha khosla ‘25 backup human spell check...........isabella hamm ‘25

Operations Board

paparazzi.........................................olof persson ‘25 influencer...................................vanessa huerta ‘23 influencer.....................................abigail thomas ‘26

Staff & Contributors

sanjana madhu

katie bloomer

quentin jimenez

itai geller

ben kobrak

anna dabrowski

charles beall

trevor dameika

tanishka kapoor

matthew brantl

ethan kleschinsky

vitek sabath

stephen pachucki

PE

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has been shown to be a fantastic

PARK

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1

create a new park that will provide a fun and interactive experience for all ages.”

The proposed water park will offer several water features, including splash pads, children’s wading pools, and a large lazy river that runs all across Bohoken, to serve as an homage to the flooding that occurred during the initial break. Snevets’s own president, Narfarvar, also offered to help, by offering the new residential towers to be the

BROKE

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1

gest money laundering scandal committed by students at Snevets, the previous St*te E-board decided to spend all of the organization’s budget on St*te totes. The totes themselves cost the organization thousands of dollars and left the finances of The St*te almost $9000 over budget. While you may have seen the popular, and now infamous tote bags around campus sporting The

FIRE CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1

pared to wake up in time just in case the fire alarm in that particular dorm is chosen to go off. Students are advised

GATE

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form of exercise according to the Snevets Just-Okay Center.

Be careful!

There is only one ladder for everyone, so only one person can climb at a time. A sign-up sheet

start point of two of the park’s speed slides. The slides’ exit flume will launch users into the How Center Lot, which is being reimagined into a pool. This park will be known as the Hydro-hoken Water Park.

The decision to rehire the PSE&G subcontractor who caused the initial breakage has raised many concerns across Bohoken’s current residents, but city officials have defended the choice, citing the subcontractor’s expertise and knowledge of the area. “We have full confidence in their ability to recreate the water main break in a controlled manner,” said Rhalla in a

St*te and its slogan, they were a rare commodity. Only 30 bags were discretely purchased and were secretly distributed among the organization’s E-board and minor board. While the actual costs of the bags were unknown, the E-board allegedly spent over $20,000 on the bags. Internal sources say that this purchase was a mistake and that extra zeros were accidentally added to the end of the check sent to the Etsy company that created these tote bags. This purchase values each tote bag at over $600. Whether or not there was an effort to retrieve this money

to collect important belongings and find the nearest exit in advance. Another important thing for all students to remember is that if they choose to return to their dorms and return to sleep, their residential hall could possibly be selected again and once again they would

will be sent around shortly so students can select the time they would like to use the ladder. Sign-ups begin at 2 a.m. to ensure everyone can get to class on time.

further statement. Rehiring this subcontractor is actually a strategic move by the city.

The city plans to begin construction on the new water park as soon as possible, with a goal of opening the park by the summer of 2024. While the park will undoubtedly be a welcome addition to Bohoken’s community, it’s important to remember that the project wouldn’t be possible without the initial water main break. Until further notice, expect not to have running water, as during the next few months of construction, all of Bohoken’s water will be cut off to provide sourcing to the park.

is unknown, but it is clear that any attempts were unsuccessful. From here on out, The Stupe will replace The St*te as the campus’s primary newspaper. The Stupe, hardly relying on real news, can be dished out in a few hours by previous members of the staff or even AI like ChatGPT and be added to the website digitally. The Stupe will also look into ways to make more revenue and will be relying on student donations to have enough money to keep the website operating. Goodbye to The St*te. You will be missed </3.

have to evacuate. The Snevets administration extends their thanks to all the students for their cooperation and aims to make the fire alarm process as seamless as possible by conducting it early in the morning before classes begin.

shot down.

We don’t make mistakes. Email us at eboard@thestute.com to tell us we’re doing a good job :)

All opinions and editorials reflect the views of their respective author(s). No Part of The St*te may be reproduced in any form, in whole or in part, without the written consent of the Boss Woman. Cited references of The St*te are permitted.

Do not submit things to us.

We don’t care!

Disclaimer Policy on Letters to the Editor Policy on Op-Eds

The guy who did care went on vacation, and the guy that accepts mail went with him.

So please take your submissions, print them, neatly place them in an envelope, and then deliver them to the water sprite in the Hudson. She’s the travel agent who arranged for the vacation for the guy who cares.

farvar.” After the buyers called “their guy” to identify and value the bricks, they realized what they had come across. Disassembled in early 2019, before almost all current undergraduates were students, the Snevets gatehouse was an icon of the campus and formerly the entrance to the Snevets family estate in 1835. It was careful-

ly deconstructed and packaged away, to be rebuilt after the completion of the University Center Towers, though there seems to have been some mismanagement that led to it falling into the wrong hands.

After running over budget on the Towers project, Snevets was unable to pay for the storage locker containing the gate and it was then sold at auction. President Narfarvar suggested raising tuition again to cover the cost and to blame the increase on inflation, but the idea was

After learning of the bricks’ origins, the bidders sold them for an undisclosed amount to an anonymous online user known as “GIANTFOREHEAD.” Willing to turnover the brick to the university, their only demand was that the Towers be renamed to the “GIANTFOREHEAD Family Towers”. Whether or not they give in to the demands of this basement dwelling loser, hopefully Snevets will be able to get hold of the bricks once again and rebuild the gatehouse like they promised.

Library to bid off all collections, including da Vinci Code

by evan papageorge, onion editor

If you want to have an opinion, join The St*te.

In a stunning turn of events, shocking the historical community here at Snevets, the Samuel C. Williams Library has decided to sell all of its possessions to the highest bidder in an all-out bidding war that has left collectors and enthusiasts watching their backs. The headlining item heading to the auction house: is a rare collection of the infamous Renaissance Man himself: Leonardo da Vinci.

After graduating in 1880 with a degree in Mechanical Engineering, John Lieb began as a leader in electricity, working at Edison Machine Works. While there, Lieb attracted the attention of Italian mathematician Giuseppe Colombo, famous for studying Mercury and Saturn’s rings. Colombo invited Lieb to Italy to further the interests of Edison

Machine Works. However, while living in Milan, Lieb gained a fascination with the legendary Milanese resident: Leonardo da Vinci. Lieb begins to collect a large selection of da Vinci writings and drawings.

Lieb passed away in his home in New Rochelle, New York. A few years later, in 1932, Lieb’s close friend donated his da Vinci collection to the Snevets Samuel C. Williams Library on February 12, Edison’s birthday. However, what is often hidden about the Lieb collection is a rare copy of da Vinci’s code: a mysterious artifact known from popular culture as da Vinci’s code. Although different from the book and movie sharing the name, the da Vinci code is a mysterious artifact that could lead to many of the essential treasures of Christendom.

Despite its seriousness, the Samuel C. Williams Library has decided to put its entire collec-

tion, including Lieb’s collection and the da Vinci code. Rumor is that the library will take the money as profit to build a new wing of the library that will be off-limits to students.

At the time of writing, three possible buyers are bidding for the collection. One is a Vatican real-estate firm called Apneic Profs. Another is an unnamed group that only shows up in large groups of professionally blacktie-only individuals wearing sunglasses, despite meetings being at midnight in the underground vaults of the library. A third bidder is Joe Smith from Weehawken, N.J., who seems to have mistaken the auction for bingo night.

The fate of the collections and the da Vinci code is still unknown, as are the intentions of each of the bidders. For more information, readers are directed to watch the movie.

Stupe Editor in Chief

Isabelle Sieve dead at 20

by ava wang, barely managing editor

It is with a heavy heart that I announce the tragically early departure of the Stupe’s Editor in Chief, Isabelle Sieve, presumed dead by authorities on March 17, 2023 at the age of 20, seven days after her disappearance. Isabelle, referred to by her inner circle as Isy, will be remembered as a kind, talented, and effortlessly clever individual; perhaps a little too clever. A private investigation to uncover her definitive cause of death continues, and the brief summary of current facts is as follows.

The family and friends of Isy Sieve reported no contact since the early morning of March 10, 2023.

Sieve, a huge Taylor Swift fan, was in a known scuffle with the former Editor in Chief, Manjana Sadhu, during the March 8, 2023 Stupe production meeting over the best T-Swift song.

Sieve passionately claims “All Too Well (10 minute version) (Taylor’s Version)” while Sadhu cites “invisible string”. In an effort to settle this debacle, the current and former Editors in Chief announced their intentions to purchase last minute, scalped Eras tour tickets in hopes of listening to both songs in person

Study of people named Steven at Stevens yields surprising results

and salvaging their long standing friendship.

Sieve updated her living will to include Sadhu on the afternoon of March 9, 2023.

Punxsutawney Phil disappeared and his inner circle has not been able to locate the groundhog since the discovery of his empty sleeping quarters on the morning of March 12, 2023.

Sieve’s life insurance policy was cashed in on March 17, 2023.

Three of the most expensive Taylor Swift tickets for the March 18, 2023 Arizona Eras Tour stop were snatched up at the last minute on the morning of the show by an anonymous buyer.

As it stands, the evidence is insurmountable. The Editor in Thief swindled her life insurance carrier out of fraudulent benefits to attend the second night of Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour with Sadhu and Punxsutawney Phil in order to settle their potentially friendship-ending debate. Sadhu declines to comment on the matter, but has suspiciously changed her previous tune, and now favors “All Too Well (10 minute version) (Taylor’s Version).” Fellow March 18, 2023 T-Swift concert attendee Sarah Woof snapped the attached picture. For the foreseeable future, I, Ava Wang, will be taking over the Editorial opinion column. Phil remains at large.

by claire hannan, swammer

A recent meta-study conducted on the students of Snevets surrounding the percentage of students named Steven showed some surprising, and possibly concerning, results. At first, researchers were simply attempting to discover if the school’s namesake has any effect on college decisions for incoming students named Steven. However, the researchers soon realized that there were more Stevens graduating than entering, leaving

New football program drops overall freshman GPA

itai geller, person with opinions

The projected overall freshman GPA for the 2023-2024 school year has dropped dramatically in contrast to the current freshman class average after Snevets released its admissions decisions for the regular decision applicant pool for the incoming class. Current students believe that this is due to the introduction of a new football program at Snevets, which will kick off its first season this coming fall.

The university allocated a massive budget to the new program, which many believe to have primarily been taken from the coffers of the Pinnacle Scholars program. Many current students feel targeted, stating that they project major budget cuts for important academic programs. However, those involved with the football program believe that this is an important measure. I spoke to the appointed coach for the football team, Deep Shah.

Although Coach Shah is currently an attending student in the vulnerable computer engineering program, he still believes that the football team is an important development for the university. “My guy, I think that the football team is a very goodie idea, it will bring in a lot

of revenue for the school, my guy. On top of that, my guy, the diversity of the student population will increase.”

Although Coach Shah isn’t wrong, many believe he fails to discount the major changes that will be made to campus to accommodate a football program. President Narfarvar recently announced that the Babbio School of Business, in addition to the building, will be “demolished and the lot abandoned” to make room for a brand new football stadium. Analysts at The Stupe believe that this is the true reason for the projected GPA taking a blow, as in past years the school of business has single handedly supported the overall GPA.

In contrast to the suffering imposed by the Snevets engineering curriculum, business students take classes such as “Reciting the Alphabet Backwards 116,” “Styling Patagonia Vests with Everything 215,” and “Monopoly Money 418,” all of which are curved to inflate the business GPA. To add insult to injury, Snevets is expecting to accept a lot more high school students with lower GPAs than previous years. The Stupe would interview admissions officers, but we are still trying to find them so we’ll save that for our next issue.

the question: where are all these Stevens coming from? Breaking down the numbers, the Stevens’ population tripled from number entering to number graduating. Looking into it more, they were able to identify a handful of individuals who had seemingly changed their names after orientation. One of these individuals, Steven Richardson, formerly named John, agreed to speak with the group and revealed he made the change to take advantage of the “Stevens’ scholarship.” When pressed further, Steven revealed that he

Techflex: a fashion disaster

by tasha khosla, the specialist

The prestigious New York Fashion Week (NYFW) event is to be hosted in Snevets’ very own, overhyped, glorified conference room: Techflex. Snevets was chosen due to its clearly superior taste, with the mismatched buildings and furniture being revered by experts for being “avant garde” and “a choice.” When asked how much money Snevets paid to make this happen, a representative from the official Fashion Board of America (FBA) stated, “no comment.”

As many know, NYFW is typically a highly publicized, star-studded event, hence why many individuals have expressed concerns over potential security issues. Techflex has nowhere near as much security as other locations, like Spring Studios where the event is typically held,

Brain-eating fungus spreading on campus, claim reports

by benjamin knobloch, inside scoop

According to uncorroborated reports, a brain-eating fungus has spread to certain elements of the Snevets community. Those who claim to have contracted the fungus insist they are experiencing comprehensive breakdowns in high-level cognition, including difficulty processing information and forming sentences.

According to expert sources contacted by The Stupe, such fungal infections are extremely rare and unlikely to be significantly transmissible between humans. “I would treat reports to this effect with a great deal of skepticism,” testified medical mycologist J. D. Salinger. A host of other infectious disease physicians interviewed by The Stupe voiced similar concerns with the anonymous student reports.

In The Stupe’s editorial opinion, the veracity of the student reports is highly susspect.

The Stupe reached out to several students for there opinions on the sichuation. “I’m not sure if I believe what people are saying about this fungus,” said one student. “I mean come on, a brain-eating fungus? It sounds like it’s right out of the movies.””

The Stute spoke to several mor students who shaired similar thoughts that this fungus posses no threat to the safty of the school.

Acording to an announce ment from Sneveets, there is no caus for alarm and stoodents are not advized to leeve campus.

We ar happy to say evryonne is in ugreement that thee fungos isn’t reel, and yoo hav nothig too fere in caes yu afrade now k Thnk ffor reedin aticl !!!*!

had heard of the scholarship from his friend, Steven. Within months, Steven had completed his name change. Other former students interviewed had similar stories, detailing how after their name change, an additional $3,000 was taken off their tuition without any notification or acknowledgement from the financial aid office. More research is needed to fully understand what this scholarship is and the strange effect it is having on the student population, but this study is a good start to uncovering the many Stevens mysteries.

or even Pierce Dining Hall (no DuckCard, no entry).

The logistics of the event were also of concern. NYFW generally has “more than 230,000 visitors” causing critics to wonder if Techflex’s capacity can even accommodate the event.

But, if Snevets can force all of the UCC tower residents to all use one elevator when the others are (often) broken, then The Stupe is sure they can find a way to host NYFW.

As for the special guest stars of the event, local celebrities from our very own Snevets campus will be in attendance.

Of course, the Editor in Chief of The Stupe, the nation’s premier news source, will be there. Other stars include Attila the Duck and Pearl from Pierce. For a special segment of the show dedicated to Snevets, President Narfarvar and his dog Margarita will be modeling pieces created by the Fashion Association for

Brain-eating fungus attacks layout team, duplicating articles

by benjamin knobloch, inside scoop

According to uncorroborated reports, a brain-eating fungus has spread to certain elements of the Snevets community. Those who claim to have contracted the fungus insist they are experiencing comprehensive breakdowns in high-level cognition, including difficulty processing information and forming sentences.

According to expert sources contacted by The Stupe, such fungal infections are extremely rare and unlikely to be significantly transmissible between humans. “I would treat reports to this effect with a great deal of skepticism,” testified medical mycologist J. D. Salinger. A host of other infectious disease physicians interviewed by The Stupe voiced similar concerns with the anonymous student reports.

In The Stupe’s editorial opinion, the veracity of the student reports is highly susspect.

The Stupe reached out to several students for there opinions on the sichuation. “I’m not sure if I believe what people are saying about this fungus,” said one student. “I mean come on, a brain-eating fungus? It sounds like it’s right out of the movies.””

The Stute spoke to several mor students who shaired similar thoughts that this fungus posses no threat to the safty of the school.

Acording to an announce ment from Sneveets, there is no caus for alarm and stoodents are not advized to leeve campus.

We ar happy to say evryonne is in ugreement that thee fungos isn’t reel, and yoo hav nothig too fere in caes yu afrade now k Thnk ffor reedin aticl !!!*!

Blrp..

Marketing and Entrepreneurship

(FAME) club.

Unfortunately, rehearsals for the event have not gone well so far. Techflex has been said to “lack the grandeur of Spring Studios and looks like any old conference room,” according to insiders who wish to remain anonymous. One insider noted that “Margarita has been a bit of a diva during rehearsals” and another believes that the location “will lead to a fashion disaster. We lack the space and the mood to go big on our designs and in our production for the event.”

Another critic of the event bemoaned that “they’re taking the NY out of NYFW! Is Bohoken not just a discount NYC!?”

Since the event is scheduled for September, participants still have more time to prepare. As the FBA proclaims, “Come join us this September for what is sure to be an …interesting… fashion week!”

EAS set for major modern downgrade

by ben kobrak, newbie

A new announcement from The Division of Facilities and Campus Maintenance unveiled plans to make Edwin A. SnevetsHall (EAS) “even more uncomfortable and less charming.” This would be the largest update to EAS since 1992, when the front archway of the building was replaced with a beige stucco facade and the interior was overhauled to the current layout.

“The department’s goal in the 90s was to really confuse and frustrate the student body,” said Robert S. Murdah, a spokesman for the maintenance department. “We also happened to need more rooms, so we just made them. The boss said ‘Put two dozen classrooms and offices in the shell of a 120 year-old building,’ and we were like, ‘Sure, whatever you say.’”

Now, Snevets plans on further increasing the amount of suffering generated by attending classes in the historic site. “We’re decreasing the width of the hallways by eight inches, and routing them through rooms with reckless abandon. I mean, we are just pissing ourselves laughing drawing up these blueprints.” Additional plans for the building mark out more random staircases in the middle of walkways, a state of the art HVAC system which always heats rooms to the wrong temperature, and the conversion of the east exit into an alarmed fire exit. “We also applied for a permit to have a Minotaur patrol the building for unsuspecting students to gore, but the Bohoken Municipal Council of Wizards is still pondering the orb on that one.”

Work is set to begin when God sends the bodies of all sinners to Hell, thereby perfecting their punishments and sealing their fate until the end of time. Tentatively, completion is anticipated in Spring 2024.

Chat GPT

CAN YOU GUESS WHICH OF THESE ARTICLES WAS GENERATED BY CHATGPT?

As a conseuqnce of The St*te going broke and being severely understaffed, we have decided to replace a majority of our staff with articles generated by artificial intelligence. Today, you are the focus group. Can you figure out which one of these articles is AI-generated?

BALANCING ATHLETICS AND SUSTAINABILITY: THE SPORTS PROGRAMS OF SNEVETS

Stevens Institute of Tehnology, locatid in Hoboken, New Jerzy, is renowned for itz excelense in sience, tehnology, engineering, and mathematiks (STEM) educashun. Howevr, the Instatute is also home to a thriving sports cumunity, with a range of NCAA Division III athletic programs for students to particpate in. Stevens Institue has 26 varsity sports teams, including basketball, socer, lacrosse, swimming and divng, vollyball, and many more. The Institue also has a strong tradition of succes in athletics, with

numerous conferense champianships, NCAA turnament apereances, and individual athleet honers over the years.

One unique aspeckt of Stevens Institue’s sports programs is there commitment to sustanability.

The Institue’s athletic faciliteez, including the DeBaun Athletic Complex and Walker Gymnasium, have undergone signifikant upgrades to improve energy effisiency and reduce waste. Additionally, the Institue’s sports teams participate in envirnmental initiativs such as recycling programs and green trans-

DISPELLING THE MYTHS: SNEVETS AND SECRET SOCIETIES

portation options.

Stevens Institue also offers a wide range of intramural and club sports for students who want to stay activ but may not have the time commitmnt or skill level required for varsity athletics. These programs provide a fun and supportive environment for students to engage in sports and build cummunity.

Overal, Stevens Institute of Tehnology’s sports programs provide students with opportunities to excel athletically while also emphasizing sustanability and cummunity involvement.

ATTILA THE DUCK: THE UNLIKELY, YET FRIENDLY MASCOT OF SNEVETS

Stevens Institute of Technology has an unusual, yet delightful, campus mascot in the form of a duck named Attila. Attila the Duck has been a part of Stevens Institute since the 1990s and has become a beloved symbol of the school’s campus culture.

Attila can often be found waddling around the Duck Pond, a popular campus hangout spot for students. The duck is known for its friendly and curious demeanor, often approaching students and

visitors for a quick snack or a friendly quack.

Stevens Institute has embraced Attila as part of its campus culture and has even created a scholarship in the duck’s honor. The Attila the Duck Scholarship is awarded each year to a Stevens Institute student who exemplifies the spirit of community and camaraderie that Attila embodies.

Attila has also become a social media star, with a dedicated Instagram account that showcases the duck’s adventures around

campus. Students, alumni, and visitors alike enjoy following Attila’s escapades and sharing their own photos and stories with the hashtag #AttilatheDuck.

In summary, Attila the Duck has become an unexpected but beloved symbol of Stevens Institute of Technology’s campus culture. The friendly and curious duck has captured the hearts of students, faculty, and visitors alike, and has become an integral part of the school’s identity.

While secret societies have been a subject of intrigue in popular culture and media, there is no evidence or information to suggest that Stevens Institute of Technology has a secret society or any other clandestine organization.

Stevens Institute is a well-respected academic institution that is known for its focus on science, technology, engineering, and mathematics (STEM) education. The Institute is committed to providing

students with a rigorous and comprehensive education that prepares them for success in their chosen fields.

While there may be rumors or legends about secret societies at various educational institutions, it is important to approach such claims with a critical eye and to rely on credible sources of information. It is also worth noting that participating in secret societies or similar organizations can have serious consequences for individ-

uals and their reputations, and such activities are not condoned or supported by most educational institutions.

In summary, there is no evidence or information to suggest that Stevens Institute of Technology has a secret society or any other covert organization. The Institute is dedicated to providing students with an exceptional academic experience that emphasizes integrity, excellence, and community involvement.

EXPLORING THE DEPTHS: THE FASCINATING UNDERGROUND TUNNELS OF SNEVETS

Stevens Institute of Technology is known for its rich history and impressive architecture, but one aspect that many people may not be aware of is the network of underground tunnels that lies beneath the campus. These tunnels are a fascinating feature of the campus and have played an important role in the Institute’s history.

The tunnels were originally constructed in the early 1900s and were used to transport steam, water, and electrical lines between buildings on the campus. Over time, the tunnels expanded and be-

came a popular spot for students to explore, particularly during the cold winter months.

While the tunnels are no longer used for their original purpose, they remain an important part of the campus’s history and culture. In recent years, the tunnels have been the subject of much interest and fascination, with many students and alumni sharing stories and photos of their adventures exploring the underground network.

However, it is important to note that the tunnels are not open to the public and should not be entered without proper

authorization and supervision. The safety and security of the campus community is of the utmost importance, and students and visitors are encouraged to respect the rules and regulations regarding access to the tunnels.

In summary, the underground tunnels at Stevens Institute of Technology are a unique and intriguing feature of the campus’s history and culture. While they are not accessible to the public, they remain an important part of the Institute’s legacy and continue to capture the imagination of students and alumni alike.

I felt very uneasy as I -ap proached the showers, and then a voice said “don’t go any further.” “Who are you?” I yelled, “reveal yourself!”

To set the scene, it was a dark and windy night on campus (when is it not windy) and I was heading to Bagels On The -Hud son. I ordered my Taylor ham egg and cheese sammie and took a bite. I bit down on a piece of paper! This was very confusing, but I pulled out the piece of -pa per, and on it scribbled in -cryp tic handwriting was, “go to the showers in Gateway South. Tell no one.”

“I am a member of Khoda, we have agreed to answer three questions for the Stupe, but my identity must remain a secret so we shall conduct this -inter view with the shower curtain in between us.” “What does Khoda even do?” was my first question, since this is extremely unclear. The figure seemed to be in thought behind the curtain as it was silent for a few moments. “We protect the interest of the students.” “What does that even mean!?” “Well, remember when the metal -Sne vets letters on the UCC had to be removed and put back up like fourteen times, that was us. We knew that if the letters were not placed perfectly straight then the students would be -up set. We also occasionally throw our UCC leftovers onto the lawn for the bunnies to eat and -occa sionally post passive aggressive comments towards Snevets in the mom Facebook group, under pseudonym of course.” This answer was extremely underwhelming, and also -con cerning because all the moms’ Facebook group does is -con stantly attack Sara Klein. For my next question, I asked a question that has always -puz zled the Stupe. “How are Khoda members selected?” Well, our first set of criteria is you must have never met President Narfarvar’s dog Margarita, as this becomes a very frequent -con flict of interest. Typically we only accept applicants who -re ceived exactly a B+ in CAL 103, but exceptions can be made if you are a member of Delt. -Final ly, you must be in good -stand ing with the lady who works the pasta station in Pierce. All of these criteria seemed to make sense, but I still had one question left, and I had to use it wisely. “Can I ask any question?” “Yes, any question, but that was your last -ques tion LOL.” The figure then fell through the shower curtain and ran off in the direction of frat row.

by anna

YO, JOIN KHODA... IT’S SO FUN

THE FOLLOWING IS A MESSAGE FROM KHODA AND IS BEING PRINTED, UPON REQUEST

tive and outstanding on the -Ste vens Campus. The final judgment of the candidate’s personality and suitableness rests with the active members. Membership should aim to encompass a wide variety.” This year’s inductees include some of the most well-known members of the Snevets -com munity to grace Crusty Point. One member includes one -San jana Nedhu, whose influence on campus seems familiar, yet the Stupe was unable to find out why. Additionally, a very special member of the Snevets -com munity has been rumored to be given honorary membership to the Khoda society: Narfarvar’s beloved and adorable companion, Margarita. The Stupe offers its most congratulatory remarks to all new members of Khoda and -wish es all members of Khoda a -be nevolent time in their influence over the Snevets community.

KHODA INTERVIEW WITH PREVIOUS MEMBER

Every year, a very select few members of the Snevets -com munity are given a most -pros perous offer: membership into the elusive Khoda society. As a special edition for this year, the Stupe is proud to share the list of the lucky students who have been selected for the -presti gious 2023 Khoda List. For those who do not know the influence of Khoda on Snevets and in Bohoken, Khoda is a society at Snevets that -focus es on leadership. While little is clearly known about them, Khoda does publish their requirements. According to their website, “Section 1. In order to be -eligi ble for membership a candidate must have the following qualifications: 1. Five academic -semes ters must be completed prior to induction. 2. Manifest a spirit of cordiality and geniality. 3. -Ac

by evan papageorge, onion editor

Release of the 2023 Khoda list

The question remains, what is Khoda’s next move?

While it is unclear the extent of Khoda’s lair, it would seem to be well-protected. -Additional ly, the role of Margarita in this organization remains unknown.

A photographer from The Stupe captured a picture of an unlikely suspect doing a -mysti cal dance, reminiscent of the choreography from the tale of the 12 Dancing Princesses. The culprit entering Khoda’s lair is none other than Narfarvar’s beloved pet dog, Margarita. While it is unclear what the purpose of Margarita’s visit to the Khoda lair is, the Stupe -photogra pher attempted to recreate the dance to enter but was -unsuc cessful. Before having a chance to try again, the photographer was forced away by a crowd of ducks that looked suspiciously like Attila the Duck.

Doeda is a secret society here at Snevets that prides -it self on leadership. According to their website, Khoda is “a leadership honor society which addresses important issues -con cerning students and student organizations. This society -pro motes a unified effort between students and the rest of the Stevens community to uphold and promote a high quality of student life.” However, Khoda has a more mysterious connection to the Snevets campus in Bohoken, the tiles on the Babby Patty. While they appear to be a simple -rec ognition of the donors and -spon sors to Snevets, they really are a hidden puzzle that unlocks a stairwell into the secret lair of Khoda.

by evan papageorge, onion editor

DOES KHODA’S LAIR ENTRANCE LIE IN THE TILES OF BABBY PATTY???

graphic courtesy of sanjana madhu

dabrowski, staf righter

graphic courtesy of sanjana madhu

Greek Life

Narfarvar’s fraternity Round Robin

by quentin jimenez, lab rat

Just before spring break, the new Greek life director Kevin Grundle implemented a program called the “Presidential Round Robin.” His goal was to build a better relationship between himself, the Snevets administration, and the fraternities on campus. To accomplish this, he planned to take President Narfarvar with him and visit each of the campus fraternities to learn more about them and spend time with their brothers.

They began at Sigma Phi Epsilon, where the brothers sat in a circle and read picture books to each other, exchanging their feelings and discussing who they thought was the most balanced man. At this point, Narfarvar continued to the other fraternities on his own, as Kevin Grunder told him that “the most fun happens at a dry house,” and that he “wanted to spend more time helping the brothers study.”

Narfarvar walked up Hudson street to Chi Phi, where he was brought inside, blindfolded,

given a pen the brothers called DiMiTri and told he would have a “mind blowing” experience. The brothers reported that he played super smash brothers and rambled about how we need to bring back the SS Snevets.

After experiencing ego death and witnessing the rebirth of the universe through the eyes of Waluigi, Narfarvar stumbled into Phi Sigma Kappa where the brothers were competing in a “case race.” A few of the brothers took him aside and showed him how to shotgun a beer, but Narfarvar ended up spilling most of it on his once nice suit.

Walking up twhe hill and down CPT, Narfarvar arrived at Kappa Sigma, but was more invested in the house than the brothers. In somewhat of a drunken stupor, Narfarvar was given a tour of the building, but was more focused on the Bohoken real estate investment opportunity than the activities of the brotherhood.

Narfarvar left before pulling out his pocketbook, but noted that there may soon be another Snevets owned Greek house.

Continuing down CPT, Narfarvar walked past Delta Tau Delta and ignored the other fraternities who he assumed only had Busch Lite to offer. He stopped in quickly at the Lodge to see if they really

had the “Cleanest Bathrooms on CPT,” and then returned to the presidential estate to get a good night’s rest. He reports that his experience was “beyond his wildest dreams,” that he “will be doing this again,”

Snevets frats haven’t thrown parties in three years?!

by claire hannan, swammer

The BUDLITE-19 pandemic brought sweeping change to all areas of campus life. One of the longest standing restrictions still enforced is the ban on all official parties held by fraternities — meaning that the last official frat party was held over three years ago. While, from an outside per-

spective, it might seem crazy to expect house music and beer fueled frat brothers to turn off the lights and dry up for three whole years, the Snevets frats have been surprisingly receptive to the regulation.

An onlooking student reported hearing members of administration talking about the rule’s success, quote: “I can’t believe that’s all it took.

All we had to do was ask them to stop… and they did.”

With the time freed up from party planning and alcohol organizing, many frats have returned to their community service roots. Brothers from Alpha Alpha have been spending their free time volunteering bringing meals to underserved communities. President Chad “the machine” Bradley used to be known for his 30 drink

Soar-El Center for Female Leadership launches new in-house laboratory

by ava wang, barely managing editor

The Soar-El Center for Female Leadership continues to make great strides in its mission to promote awareness and equal inclusion of women in co-curricular activities on Snevets campus. The living communities’ recent reinstatement of the in-house laboratory opens the opportunity for residents to build up confidence and explore new scientific methods without the restrictions of typical class lab hours, such as the over-the-shoulder monitoring and the distracting, authoritarian agenda of teaching assistants.

The 1996 dissolution of the Pi Sigma Ligma fraternity left behind the ‘good bones’ of their [alleged] methamphetamine laboratory, and dedicated resident Isabelle Pourie pounced on the opportunity to rehabilitate the basement of the beautiful Crusty Point brownstone back to its [alleged] former glory. Her continued hard work towards the promotion of women in traditionally male spaces constitutes a noble and dedicated shift towards gender equality in co-curricular activities on Snevets Campus.

Pourie stated, “I’m just happy to keep this little piece of local tradition alive with the

addition of a feminine twist! Leaving the space to decay would have been such a waste.”

Residents of the Soar-El Center are highly encouraged to engage in their own independent projects at the living community’s in-house laboratory. Recent highlights include the synthesis of a food preservative capable of maintaining the famously crisp palate of 40-year-old root beer and a novel brain chip that allows the user to telepathically play Gagic the Mathering. A total win for both women in STEM and the preservation of Snevets history!

tolerance but has now turned his energies to more productive outlets. “I realized that you have to go to your classes to pass them, no one tells you that.” Bradley said of his experience. After seven years at Snevets on academic probation, Bradley will be graduating with a degree in quantitative finance in the spring.

Members of Delta Delta, previously renowned for their

and asked the fraternities to “make sure to add me to your guest lists.”

Thursday night ragers are now filling their time as the Snevets Mathletes team. Brother Chet Anderson said in an interview with the Stupe that “it was like I woke up from a 20 year coma three years ago. I don’t even remember enrolling at this school, but after the Everclear left my system, I became a math machine.”

Kevin Grundle provides unlimited funding for Greek Life Enrichment

by oz aguinaga , inside scoop

Kevin Grundle, Assistant Director of Fraternity and Sorority Life, announced last month that Greek organizations on campus will have unlimited funding for personal enrichment. This has come at a time when Greek organizations are in danger of going extinct due to extreme debauchery. Grundle said, “We are aware that many Greek organizations want to keep Boolin’ frfr so I dm’d Narfarvar like high-key u gotta stop fam and he was like word.” One brother, Nick Shalong Dooshiback from Alpha Apple Pi said this about the initiative: “bruh.” Bruh indeed. There are reports that the sorority Theta Beta O’ Mega created an exotic petting zoo consisting of teacup animals. However, they found out teacup pigs are really just baby

pigs, so they are currently in possession of 11 massive hogs. However, some personal enrichment programs have been more successful. Take Chi Nu’s personal monkey chauffeurs. Each brother has a personal monkey chauffeur to drive them around in a scooter and serve them beer. A representative said it has saved them a total of -6.9420% of time in a day. Another fraternity, which will remain unnamed, Sigma Moo, has used their funding to purchase a whole lotta gang sh*t, ranging from delicate legal herbs, Silicon Valley Bank, Saudi Oil, and the Minions media rights. Their net worth is currently greater than ya motha’s. No cap. All in all, this seems to have ensured that frats will have enough funding and continue to exist for at least another semester.

quentin jimenez for the stupe

nicolewuzhere:)

AcademicUpdates

New CAL 107 class for Pinnacle Scholars

by anna dabrowski, staf righter

A knew academic requirement, CAL 107, has been added to the Pineneedle Scholar requirements. As a pineneedle scholar I felt the need to investigate this new clas. This decision was made collectively by the first year experience committee who cited multiple academic delays regarding the skolars. “The majority of Pineneedle Scholars wrote about their SAT scores and high school extracurricular activities for there first CAL 103 essay, rather than the literary analysis prompt that was provided,” said one anonymouse professor. Additionally scholars are incapable of engaging in group disgustion. For example, when one scholar was asked there thoughts on Mary Shelly’s Frankestein they replied “Wait…when were the tickets for that sent out?”

Many pineneedles are confused bye this knew requirement. One scholar seemed to

think that CAL 103 and 105 were optional to begin with, he said “I was under the impression thet pinnacle scholars could attend three broadway shows insted of CAL.” Another scholar was outraged by this knew requirement stating that the “pineneedle scholars are known for they’re above par academics, SAT scores, high school club leadership, ability to talk lowder than other people, and overal amount of family wealth they hav.” Some pineedle scholars seem too not understand the purpose of this knew requirement. Won scholar seemed almost excited saying “ive been waiting for them to separate the pinneadles from normal students for all the classes, insted of just physics and chem.”

Unfortunately for the rest of snevets, the snevets budget for pineneedles must be increased from 90% to 95.96 per cent four this knew course. The syllabus was leaked last week and includes a multitude of “educational cultural expe -

riences” such as an excursion to six flags. They will aslo be visiting Norway, won of the richest countries in the world, to learn about their future careers as venture capitakists. When asked why this course diverges so much from typical CAL courses the cordinator said “We found that it is hard to keep pineneedle scholars engaged unless the course is catered to their ongoing sense of superiority.” The coordinators also found this trend in attitude interesting, considering that the decision of who becomes a pineneedle scholar is usually decided by assigning each staff member a student during a very intense game of musical chairs. “It’s just weird that a game of musical chairs results in such a similar demographic of out of touch students”, said this staff member. Anyways, the Stupe hopes that this CAL 107 doesn’t funnel tooooo much money away because we are going bank rupt.

RestructuringofAcademicCoursePlans tomakeclasseseasier

by

In a groundbreaking move, Snevets Academic Course Plans have been dramatically restructured to allow for a much less challenging undergraduate and graduate experience. The restructuring was made in the hopes that students would obtain a more holistic campus experience.

Being ever cognizant of student needs and concerns, Snevetsadministration and faculty jointly decided that this change would propel the university to enhanced success in the coming years. In a joint statement released by admin and faculty, the final sentences after explaining the policy read: “TL;DR – We see you. We hear you. We’re making your classes easier.”

Changes to the Academic

Plans include the elimination of the first-year Calculus sequence, with an option for all non-math majors to drop all math courses from their schedules; a Design sequence condensed into one day, where the only requirement is to build a circuit with a lightbulb, battery, and resistor; a Humanities requirement that can be met by submitting a self-made meme with literary, historical, or cultural relevance; and the opportunity for athletes to take only 3-credit semesters while in season.

The restructuring was further explained and justified at press conferences, which garnered national attention, something the university was happy to have. “This change really caters to every type of student here at Snevets,” a spokesperson said. “The stu -

dents who want to learn more will have more time outside of class for self-study – this is where most of the learning gets done here, after all. The students who are involved in lots of student orgs can dedicate even more time to those commitments. The students who enjoy going out or partying can more easily do that, even on weeknights.”

Pressed on whether the changes would make a longterm impact on the university, the spokesperson replied: “Of course. If people have a good time here, they’ll want to give back, and the best way to give back is through alumni donations. We hope to get lots more of those in the future, so that the university can sustain itself and fund more exciting events that we’ll make our students run to add to the Snevets experience.”

Modernization of Honor Board to replace humans with A.I.

by benjamin knobloch + meghan slate, inside scoop + newbie

Snevets has unexpectedly announced that due to sustained dissatisfaction with the operation of the Snevets Honesty System, the current Honesty Board will be dissolved and replaced with an artificial intelligence.

“The Honesty Board, which today consists exclusively of fallible, corruptible, and probably very stupid humans, has not met the standards set by the University and expected by the faculty,” said Snevets in a statement. “Penalty rates routinely fail to meet quota, and professors have complained about being forced to occasionally check their emails. Frankly, we don’t know what the people on the Board even do.”

The current Board has reportedly been blindsided by the move, which sources say has been in the works for months. “I don’t understand! I’ve sharpened pencils for days for this organization,” stated Honesty Board chair Sleghan Mate. “We sharpen more pencils than any other committee in this school!”

The artificial intelligence, designed by Cyberdyne Systems in collaboration with student software prodigy Jorjor Well, has been deemed the “Student-Honor Interface Technology.” It will improve the efficiency of the Honesty Board by up to 143%, allowing it to process cases more quickly and determine outcomes with perfect accuracy, as guaranteed by the developer.

The new public face of the Honesty Board will consist of a team of 15 highly advanced robotic Honesty Board members, which will roam Snevets campus

and search for academic violations. Each will run a version of the ChatGPT software that has been modified to be less nice. They will be commanded by a powerful cybernetic supercomputer bioengineered from brain matter harvested from the previous human Board members. The Administration has said that test runs of these robots with undergraduate volunteers have been highly successful, yielding mostly positive survey responses and a negligible number of fatalities.

The rapid implementation of the new A.I. surveillance system has necessitated sudden changes across campus. To accommodate the robots, which consume enormous amounts of power and like to complain a lot, all academic facilities will henceforth be kept at a constant 45 degrees and be flooded with seven inches of liquid coolant. Snevets recommends students and faculty wear wading boots until a permanent solution is found.

In an update since the original announcement, the University admitted that it is still ironing out the kinks in the system. “It’s come to our attention that some students in the beta program are circumventing the Honor process by providing paradoxical answers to the A.I. during investigative questioning. We ask that all students avoid existential topics when interacting with our robotic staff. Additionally, we have found that in rare cases, failing to write the Honor Pledge on assignments will send a robotic agent into a homicidal rage. We ask that faculty reboot the affected system components and exercise caution while the University rolls out a software update in the coming days.”

charles beall, someone with opinions

photo courtesy of mike lanfranco

photo courtesy of the entertainment committee

the stute editorial Example title

by ava wang ‘25 boss woman?

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Nam libero justo laoreet sit amet cursus sit amet dictum. Faucibus a pellentesque sit amet porttitor eget dolor. Ipsum nunc aliquet bibendum enim facilisis. Tempor id eu nisl nunc mi ipsum faucibus vitae. Et tortor consequat id porta nibh venenatis cras sed felis. Commodo nulla facilisi nullam vehicula ipsum. Eget gravida cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis. Blandit cursus risus at ultrices mi tempus. Nunc id cursus metus aliquam eleifend mi in nulla. Risus in hendrerit gravida rutrum quisque non tellus.

senioritis

Neque egestas congue quisque egestas diam in arcu. Metus dictum at tempor commodo ullamcorper a lacus vestibulum sed. Ornare arcu dui vivamus arcu. Ac tincidunt vitae semper quis lectus nulla at volutpat. Vitae proin sagittis nisl rhoncus mattis rhoncus urna. Risus pretium quam vulputate dignissim suspendisse in est ante. Nulla malesuada pellentesque elit eget gravida. Id velit ut tortor pretium viverra. A pellentesque sit amet porttitor eget dolor morbi non. Vulputate eu scelerisque felis imperdiet proin fermentum. Dignissim suspendisse in est ante in nibh mauris. Fermentum iaculis eu non diam phasellus. Quisque egestas diam in arcu cursus euismod quis viverra nibh. Volutpat diam ut venenatis tellus in.

mind of a freshman Tower terror

tor to come?

I ended up taking the stairs and leaving the south tower. I traveled to my MA-125 class in How Center 103. As I’m in class, I spy underneath the radiator: a moldy french fry and — chicken nugget? What is that doing there?

by trevor dameika ‘23

Now, in my second semester, the pain of the new “University Towers” is hitting me. I’ll give you a glimpse into the life of me, an obvious freshman student. I wake up, look out my window, and look across at the North Tower. I’m still able to see my neighbors due to the transparent curtains Snevets provided for us. Then, the real choice has to be made: do I walk down 15 flights of stairs or wait 10+ minutes for the eleva-

I always wondered why this place had the stench of grease and fried deliciousness. Anyway, the slow drone of my math class was making me wonder. Shoot! It’s 10:40 a.m. I have to put in my Grubhub order as quickly as possible. The wait for a quesadilla is one hour. I knew I should’ve placed the order sooner. Class is over, and this class still makes zero sense. What the heck is a convergent series? I’ll probably have to reach out to a tutor.

Walking out of How Center, there were droves

of students surrounding the towers. Another fire drill…I remember the fire drills earlier this year. What a nightmare. The rush down the stairs and the strange flow of the students makes it so difficult, but I try not to think about what would happen in a real fire situation.

I finally got to my quesadilla and it was pretty good. Commonly, the food is a toss-up. Whatever you order can be pretty overcooked or just plain underwhelming despite how hungry you are. I stuff as much food as I can before heading to my classes, both in EAS. One of these classes is CAL-105, which apparently I already have credit for (due to APs), but the registrar just wouldn’t give them to me.

After my afternoon classes, I reach the point in the day where I slow down and have to wait 10+ minutes for the elevator leading to my dorm where I regroup and think about what’s next.

became a senior?? (NOT CLICKBAIT, COPS CALLED)

windows and chirping extremely loudly. Instead, I found myself in a small bedroom, laying on a twinsized bed with thin white rumpled sheets. What is going on? I get out of the bed slowly to try to interpret where I am.

by tanishka kapoor ‘26

On a bright spring morning, I woke up (to my very shock) NOT to the sounds of birds banging their heads against the Jonas Brothers Hall

girl talk

by ethan kleschinsky ‘24

So like, it’s me again, I don’t know if any of you remember me from last year, so I’ll give you a quick refresher. When The Stupe can’t find any girls to write their Girl Talk column, I step up to the plate. It’s a long story, but to keep it short, I was elected as the most effeminate man on all of campus. So I spent this last week asking the women of Snevets, the few and the proud, what they wanted to hear. I got a lot of recommendations, like “nothing,” “why are you writing girl talk,” and “tell us about your Costar,” so I am going to take some of my space to do that. Today, March 27 when writing this, my Costar is telling me to keep a few secrets because I’m scared of adaptability and I want things to feel simple and natural. My

dear claire and ethan... Behind the scenes

Suddenly, thoughts came pouring into my brain with such rapidness that I stumbled backward with the need to steady myself. Whoa. I remembered. I was a senior. I somehow must have teleported into the mind and body of a senior. I could not believe I was so naive to think

that I could escape the side effects of the water main break. The raw, unfiltered water straight from the Hudson River must have made its way through the water pipes and somehow snaked down into my esophagus without me knowing. Fascinating. I traversed through my newly acquired memories as if I was rewinding old tapes to see what my life looked like as a senior. I found my morning routine: I wake up every morning and think to myself, “This is it. The last stretch. Just keep going. You don’t even

have class today, unlike the other two days of the week.” Then I haul myself out of bed, drag my feet across my over-expensive two-bedroom apartment that housed five people, step over a person who I hope is my roommate, and go to the bathroom to tell myself my daily affirmations. “Snevets got nothing on you. If you can deal with the constant rejections from internships, you can deal with anything,” I tell myself as I splash cold water on my face. “Let’s survive today,” as I brush my teeth. “You got

off the press Our new website

by off center

Do’s are shared playlists, matching socks, and promises and my Don’ts are hot heads, sidehugs and stage lights. So, it seems like I shouldn’t get in over my head today. I am told that Claire and I (she’s my opinion column counterpart) are an intellectual match. There wasn’t much else relevant information on my Co-star. Since the few women on campus weren’t giving me a lot to work with, I was doing extensive research to find other things to talk about that they might appreciate. Marriage.com says that women want to be encouraged and appreciated, so I will say that I am rooting for you and hopefully one day there will be more women on campus to relate to. Also, there will hopefully one day be enough women on campus so that I am not called upon to write the Girl Talk.

Now that we’ve dotted the last “i” and crossed the last “t”(much to its dissatisfaction), Off the Press is excited to announce our new website is up and running and ready for a mad dash of traffic. Upon launch, the first user, Dash, was quick to connect the dots to realize none of us knew how to run a website. It redirected to OTP dot com, our old website where our friend Dot would ask you to sign weird forms on the dotted line. Dot has since abandoned that job so Dash was immersed in a really awful “news” website for quite a while before he was finally interrupted by a DoorDash order of “just the beans from Taco Bell.” The driver got a great tip and review for arriving at 6 o’clock on the dot.

When we heard about this strange order though, we wondered who else would be the type of guy to just order beans. One of our editors is known for snacking on cans directly so much so that a few friends started giving him bags of dried beans, but we couldn’t think of anyone else. Thinking about the beans made

us realize that they were also Dot’s favorite food, and every day at noon she would dash out the door and get to the store to buy a can of dotted beans for lunch. We said she abandoned the job, but in reality, she was fired from it because every time she needed to write an ellipsis, she would only write dot dot. Everyone knows, an ellipsis is dot dot dot.

Maintaining a website is a lot of work though. No one told us we’d still have to pay to have it hosted, and we aren’t about to give a bunch of money to Jeffrey Bezos and Amazon Web Services. So we’re looking for a really social person to constantly host all the people who go on our website. We dashed to Dot’s place to ask her to come back, but had a fender bender with her car, and her dashcam showed Dot wasn’t breaking any laws, we were. Our host would have to register with the NJ DOT because they’ll be driving so much traffic to our site that Dasher the reindeer might have to get involved to carry people over the cars. We expect Dasher’s dashing looks and the thrill of riding on essentially a flying horse to be signif-

by claire hannan and ethan kleschinsky (reluctantly)

Why is Ethan angry all the time?

this,” as I point at myself in the mirror. I walk out of the bathroom with my newfound motivation to open my laptop only to sigh heavily at the big letters that screamed SENIOR DESIGN PROJECT. I then tell myself “Meh, I have time,” and go to my bed to take a quick nap.

Wow. What a wildly exciting day. I can’t wait to walk onto campus with such confidence knowing fully well that I am one step closer to my midlife crisis. Or wait, did it start already?

Ethan: I’m not, just on Sunday evening when I have to answer your questions.

Claire: That’s a great question. I think he’s lonely. Every Sunday, I tell Ethan that it’s time to write our column and I watch a piece of his soul die. The anger he has in his heart started long ago and has nothing to do with me.

Who asks these questions anyway?

Ethan: I honestly don’t know who writes these questions, but I do know that they suck. Consistently annoying or irrelevant questions that I wait as late as possible to answer which ultimately ends up ruining my weekend.

icant pull factors. The big surprise for our loyal readership here, is that we’re doing more than just a website. Only for members who read at least two thirds of our articles, next week we’re opening a stock exchange. No crypto here, only early 2000s tech stocks like eToys and Flooz. We’re recreating the dot com bust. Accessible only through our partner Dashlane’s VPN, you’ll have colorful, informative dashboards to watch your money disappear as you wring your hands and cry out “That’s Balderdash!” You will of course be able to access the stock exchange from our website, but we assure you that they are two separate entities and not at all a scam to fund our future operations because journalism of our quality is a thankless job.

Hopefully by now you’ve been able to find the answer to all your questions about our website and journal, you can put all the pieces of the puzzle together. But it’s only our job to bring you the information, not tell you what to do with it.

Claire: No one asks the questions. I was supposed to set up a system for readers to ask us questions at the beginning of the year, but I forgot, so I just make up a random question each week. Ethan seems to hate the questions though, so I don’t have the courage to tell him it’s really me.

Wait, so who’s asking this question right now?

Claire: Also me. Everytime I write this column it’s just a conversation with myself.

Ethan: Don’t know, don’t care.

Does Claire need help?

Ethan: Mind your own business, Claire can handle herself.

Claire: Yes, someone, please. I’ve run out of questions to ask for this godforsaken column. My roommate, and EIC, Isabella Ziv gets mad if I turn in my articles late.

When will EIC Isabella Ziv let me out of my room?

Claire: I don’t know. Isy, please let me out. I’ve turned all my articles in on time this month. I’ll do anything.

Ethan: This one doesn’t apply to me, but Claire’s probably in the wrong here.

I

“What do the women want to hear?”

history of the ducks

The Snevets Institute of Technology: the true innovation university?

by evan papageorge ‘26

As previously written about in this column, where the Wesley J. How Center now stands, there was a Victorian manor known as Castle Snevets. When the castle was demolished in 1959, the tunnel system that led to the

docks, the wine cellar, and the greenhouse was filled in. However, after more research, and a close encounter, it has come to light that these tunnels were not demolished, but in fact, expanded by a secret society that lives underneath campus, and almost satirically, calls themselves The Snevets Institute of Technology.

As most know, Snevets Institute of Technology was founded in 1870 by Martha Bayard Snevets in memory of her late husband Edwin. In 1911, the university bought Castle Snevets from the family on Alumni Day which served as a symbol of the school.

However, that all changed in the late 1950s when the school decided to demolish the manor to make way for a rectangular, concrete, office building known today as the How Center. While the public was told that the facilities underneath Castle Snevets were destroyed for the foundation of How, an anonymous tip was given that caused an investigation into the demolition reports of Castle Snevets. While everything appears typical for a report of that era, one thing stood out: a small stamp depicting Castle Snevets with the Eye of Providence watching over it. The stamp was ob-

scuring a small part of the plans right where the tunnel entrance’s demolition confirmation would have been. A member of the Stupe went down to the basement of How to investigate. After in-laying the How blueprints with those of Castle Snevets, one wall was out of place. After some careful probing, they gracefully moved aside, using a mechanism attributed to Snevets alum Alexander Calder. The door led to a tunnel that would have originally led to the greenhouse of Castle Snevets. However, while it should have been a dark, dirty, tunnel, it was a

COMIC (SANS) CORNER

by vitek sabath

sleek, architecturally advanced, and aesthetically stunning work of civil engineering.

At the bottom of the tunnel, the Stupe representative found a large cavern with an exact replica of the Snevets campus, but circa 1958: with the Castle still standing. It appeared that when the Castle was destroyed, some faculty, students, and graduates built a new university underneath the new How center they opposed. This society, which calls itself The Snevets Institute of Technology, welcomed the Stupe representative and offered a tour. This underground

school was just like the one above, with some differences. Using their own artificial sun, they created a climate that is the same as Crusty Point but without the How wind tunnel. Additionally, all of the dorms were based on rooms at The W. The Stupe representative tried to go back with others to prove the existence of this society, but the door was no longer there and the seal on the demolition report was gone as well. The mystery remains, which school is truly The Snevets Institute of Technology?

we know you all like the sudokus so here are some. you will NOT be getting the answers to these in the next issue. we recommend using pen.

the following memes are courtesy of @stevensqueers (rip) and @stevensqueers2 on instagram:

Color by Number

Campus Pulse

kai wong ‘25

“Uhhhh… I want to cuddle but I’m forced to fight.”

colin mcdermott ‘25

“A horse-sized duck for sure. A duck is scared, they have big old feet and I would go for the legs. Sweep the legs.”

ROVING REPORTER

by rafael lee li and ava wang

ronnie melao ‘23+1

“I’ll fight the little chihuahuas. The little ducks. So I can kick them away. You live and you learn.”

Would you rather fight a horse-sized duck or a 100 duck-sized horses?

emily lynch ‘25

“100 duck-sized horses would be so cute, but I’d get so overwhelmed.”

madison mcintosh ‘25

“One horse-sized duck. I think the 100 duck-sized horses would trample me, there are so many of them.”

peter zmijewski ‘25

“Dude, that’s… A horse-sized duck would kick your ass. I would have to do the 100 duck-sized horses. One horse-sized duck would fuck you up.”

christos zervas ’25

“Do I get a knife? If I get a knife I’m taking… Actually, is it immediately aggressive? I’ll take the horse-sized duck; go for the neck artery.”

isabella vena ‘26

“One horse-sized ducks because I can probably run away from it faster. 100 duck-sized horses would attack me all at once and it would be scary.”

Once again... The Stupe’s sleep paralysis demon