AcademicUpdates New CAL 107 class for Pinnacle Scholars

by anna dabrowski, staf righter

A knew academic requirement, CAL 107, has been added to the Pineneedle Scholar requirements. As a pineneedle scholar I felt the need to investigate this new clas. This decision was made collectively by the first year experience committee who cited multiple academic delays regarding the skolars. “The majority of Pineneedle Scholars wrote about their SAT scores and high school extracurricular activities for there first CAL 103 essay, rather than the literary analysis prompt that was provided,” said one anonymouse professor. Additionally scholars are incapable of engaging in group disgustion. For example, when one scholar was asked there thoughts on Mary Shelly’s Frankestein they replied “Wait…when were the tickets for that sent out?”

Many pineneedles are confused bye this knew requirement. One scholar seemed to think that CAL 103 and 105 were optional to begin with, he said “I was under the impression thet pinnacle scholars could attend three broadway shows insted of CAL.” Another scholar was outraged by this knew requirement stating that the “pineneedle scholars are known for they’re above par academics, SAT scores, high school club leadership, ability to talk lowder than other people, and overal amount of family wealth they hav.” Some pineedle scholars seem too not understand the purpose of this knew requirement. Won scholar seemed almost excited saying “ive been waiting for them to separate the pinneadles from normal students for all the classes, insted of just physics and chem.”

Unfortunately for the rest of snevets, the snevets budget for pineneedles must be increased from 90% to 95.96 per cent four this knew course. The syllabus was leaked last week and includes a multitude of “educational cultural expe - riences” such as an excursion to six flags. They will aslo be visiting Norway, won of the richest countries in the world, to learn about their future careers as venture capitakists. When asked why this course diverges so much from typical CAL courses the cordinator said “We found that it is hard to keep pineneedle scholars engaged unless the course is catered to their ongoing sense of superiority.” The coordinators also found this trend in attitude interesting, considering that the decision of who becomes a pineneedle scholar is usually decided by assigning each staff member a student during a very intense game of musical chairs. “It’s just weird that a game of musical chairs results in such a similar demographic of out of touch students”, said this staff member. Anyways, the Stupe hopes that this CAL 107 doesn’t funnel tooooo much money away because we are going bank rupt.

RestructuringofAcademicCoursePlans tomakeclasseseasier

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In a groundbreaking move, Snevets Academic Course Plans have been dramatically restructured to allow for a much less challenging undergraduate and graduate experience. The restructuring was made in the hopes that students would obtain a more holistic campus experience.

Being ever cognizant of student needs and concerns, Snevetsadministration and faculty jointly decided that this change would propel the university to enhanced success in the coming years. In a joint statement released by admin and faculty, the final sentences after explaining the policy read: “TL;DR – We see you. We hear you. We’re making your classes easier.”

Changes to the Academic

Plans include the elimination of the first-year Calculus sequence, with an option for all non-math majors to drop all math courses from their schedules; a Design sequence condensed into one day, where the only requirement is to build a circuit with a lightbulb, battery, and resistor; a Humanities requirement that can be met by submitting a self-made meme with literary, historical, or cultural relevance; and the opportunity for athletes to take only 3-credit semesters while in season.

The restructuring was further explained and justified at press conferences, which garnered national attention, something the university was happy to have. “This change really caters to every type of student here at Snevets,” a spokesperson said. “The stu - dents who want to learn more will have more time outside of class for self-study – this is where most of the learning gets done here, after all. The students who are involved in lots of student orgs can dedicate even more time to those commitments. The students who enjoy going out or partying can more easily do that, even on weeknights.”

Pressed on whether the changes would make a longterm impact on the university, the spokesperson replied: “Of course. If people have a good time here, they’ll want to give back, and the best way to give back is through alumni donations. We hope to get lots more of those in the future, so that the university can sustain itself and fund more exciting events that we’ll make our students run to add to the Snevets experience.”

Modernization of Honor Board to replace humans with A.I.

by benjamin knobloch + meghan slate, inside scoop + newbie

Snevets has unexpectedly announced that due to sustained dissatisfaction with the operation of the Snevets Honesty System, the current Honesty Board will be dissolved and replaced with an artificial intelligence.

“The Honesty Board, which today consists exclusively of fallible, corruptible, and probably very stupid humans, has not met the standards set by the University and expected by the faculty,” said Snevets in a statement. “Penalty rates routinely fail to meet quota, and professors have complained about being forced to occasionally check their emails. Frankly, we don’t know what the people on the Board even do.”

The current Board has reportedly been blindsided by the move, which sources say has been in the works for months. “I don’t understand! I’ve sharpened pencils for days for this organization,” stated Honesty Board chair Sleghan Mate. “We sharpen more pencils than any other committee in this school!”

The artificial intelligence, designed by Cyberdyne Systems in collaboration with student software prodigy Jorjor Well, has been deemed the “Student-Honor Interface Technology.” It will improve the efficiency of the Honesty Board by up to 143%, allowing it to process cases more quickly and determine outcomes with perfect accuracy, as guaranteed by the developer.

The new public face of the Honesty Board will consist of a team of 15 highly advanced robotic Honesty Board members, which will roam Snevets campus and search for academic violations. Each will run a version of the ChatGPT software that has been modified to be less nice. They will be commanded by a powerful cybernetic supercomputer bioengineered from brain matter harvested from the previous human Board members. The Administration has said that test runs of these robots with undergraduate volunteers have been highly successful, yielding mostly positive survey responses and a negligible number of fatalities.

The rapid implementation of the new A.I. surveillance system has necessitated sudden changes across campus. To accommodate the robots, which consume enormous amounts of power and like to complain a lot, all academic facilities will henceforth be kept at a constant 45 degrees and be flooded with seven inches of liquid coolant. Snevets recommends students and faculty wear wading boots until a permanent solution is found.

In an update since the original announcement, the University admitted that it is still ironing out the kinks in the system. “It’s come to our attention that some students in the beta program are circumventing the Honor process by providing paradoxical answers to the A.I. during investigative questioning. We ask that all students avoid existential topics when interacting with our robotic staff. Additionally, we have found that in rare cases, failing to write the Honor Pledge on assignments will send a robotic agent into a homicidal rage. We ask that faculty reboot the affected system components and exercise caution while the University rolls out a software update in the coming days.”

the stute editorial Example title

by ava wang ‘25 boss woman?

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mind of a freshman Tower terror

tor to come?

I ended up taking the stairs and leaving the south tower. I traveled to my MA-125 class in How Center 103. As I’m in class, I spy underneath the radiator: a moldy french fry and — chicken nugget? What is that doing there?

by trevor dameika ‘23

Now, in my second semester, the pain of the new “University Towers” is hitting me. I’ll give you a glimpse into the life of me, an obvious freshman student. I wake up, look out my window, and look across at the North Tower. I’m still able to see my neighbors due to the transparent curtains Snevets provided for us. Then, the real choice has to be made: do I walk down 15 flights of stairs or wait 10+ minutes for the eleva-

I always wondered why this place had the stench of grease and fried deliciousness. Anyway, the slow drone of my math class was making me wonder. Shoot! It’s 10:40 a.m. I have to put in my Grubhub order as quickly as possible. The wait for a quesadilla is one hour. I knew I should’ve placed the order sooner. Class is over, and this class still makes zero sense. What the heck is a convergent series? I’ll probably have to reach out to a tutor.

Walking out of How Center, there were droves of students surrounding the towers. Another fire drill…I remember the fire drills earlier this year. What a nightmare. The rush down the stairs and the strange flow of the students makes it so difficult, but I try not to think about what would happen in a real fire situation.

I finally got to my quesadilla and it was pretty good. Commonly, the food is a toss-up. Whatever you order can be pretty overcooked or just plain underwhelming despite how hungry you are. I stuff as much food as I can before heading to my classes, both in EAS. One of these classes is CAL-105, which apparently I already have credit for (due to APs), but the registrar just wouldn’t give them to me.

After my afternoon classes, I reach the point in the day where I slow down and have to wait 10+ minutes for the elevator leading to my dorm where I regroup and think about what’s next.