[The Stute] April 1, 2025 (Issue 21, Volume CXXII)
Innovation Expo cancelled due to lack of innovation
by ben knob lock, inside scoop
Campus was in a state of crisis this week after it was announced that this year’s Innovation Expo was being called off. In a statement, President Narfarvar said that, in a freak anomaly, there was no innovation to be found in the work of the Class of 2025.
“Utterly derivative, soulless, and uninspired,” were the words Narfarvar used following a preliminary survey of this year’s Senior Design projects. “My eyes were glazing over from boredom when I was looking at the finished posters. I fell asleep before I was even halfway through.”
Reactions among the student body ranged from outrage to relief.
One Mechanical Engineering student lamented that he won’t have a way to share his team’s work
on a hydraulic flood protection system, which the school said was too similar to a project completed by a team that graduated in 2021. Similarly, one Music and Technology senior said to The Stupe that he was “devastated and angered that I won’t be able to perform the concept album I’ve been crafting for months.” Snevets said in response that the student’s songs were lame and all sounded the same.
“This is a great thing,” argued a Computer Science major. “Now I really have no work for the rest of Senior year.”
To reflect the current state of the university, Narfarvar also announced that the school would be removing the “Innovation University” tagline until the Class of 2025 has safely graduated. This year’s ceremony’s theme will be: “Good riddance!”
The student newspaper of Snevets Institute of Technology, and creator of Attila the Duck. www.thest*te.com
I’m sorry, but as an AI language model, I do not have the ability to title this article
For all the commuters of Hoboken, I come bearing bad news… I thought my last article was the finale in the PATH revamp saga, but I was wrong.
I recently received notice from a PATH employee that the Hoboken station is slated to close for another month. This is the latest in a series of vomit-related incidents around Hoboken, which is forcing PATH to reconsider its station configuration. In accordance with recent Hoboken data collection, vomit stations will be installed around the depot, specifically designed to negate any vomit affairs that may occur. This aforementioned ‘data’ comes from a recent study conducted at the city level, asking Hobokenites where they like to hang out. The study suggests that the Hoboken PATH station serves as a popular hangout destination for many locals to gather and vomit together. These stations will be in operation from 10 p.m. to 3 a.m. daily, as these are the
most active hours.
In addition, PATH intends to paint the station’s support columns back to blue in solidarity with the latest rat influx at Stevens. With staffing low at Stevens’ facilities, students can expect to see employees of the rat variety around campus. From the dining halls (see Ben’s article about recent improvements to the Peirce experience) to the sports complexes, rats will be in your corner to make the Stevens’ experience as enjoyable as humanly (or should I say rat-ly) possible. Although many believe this closure is unwarranted, it is necessary. Vomit stations in the PATH will not only clean up the station but also create additional housing for Stevens’s rat employees. I will say that the blue columns may be a little much, but hey, it is what it is.
by tasha khosla, the specialist
by itai geller, stuper
An event more devastating than a snack swipe’s worth being diminished from two cookies to one has been distressing students across campus. ChatGPT is gone. The disappearance of Snevets’ favorite generative AI chatbot has caused a sudden drop in student GPAs. Reporters from The Stupe, the most esteemed publication on campus, interviewed students to share their perspectives on this horrific news. One student shared, “Normally, I ask ChatGPT how to feel about things so I honestly have no comments to give.”
To bush or not to bush?
by gavin ruby, stuper
Some of you may be wondering, what is the point of landscaping? And to that point, I also ask what is the point of landscaping? Half of Snevets is dead grass and pavement, however, we must not take for granted the little pieces of greenery that this tiny, private, New Jersey school has to offer.
When it is warm out, all of the lawns get packed very quickly as most Snevets students either go to Palmer Lawn, outside Schaefer, or to the little island in between MPK and Davis, but there is one more lawn that goes untouched: EAS. Why is that? Well for one, there is nothing to do there, the most action that lawn saw was in 2024 when the solar eclipse happened but even then, we weren’t allowed on the lawn. So how can we turn this empty lot into a third space for students?
Trim her bushes. Add more greenery. She is already on her last legs and it’s like two degrees of separation of Nosferatu coming by and moving in. This building needs a revamp outside of it to help students destress. If we make the lawn go bald, for some reason, it’d make the steeple look taller and scarier
than it already does. EAS already isn’t a favorable building because of how hot it gets inside, the stairs that are at an angle, the slow elevator, and it being a far point for students so adding more to the outside is just what the old and de crepit building needs.
Let’s give Erwin A. Sne vets a landing strip of bush to zhuzh her up a bit. We could add some tables, add some benches, and that empty lawn is slowly going to grow a beautiful bush of students. Snevets students need to touch grass and the perfect way for them to do that is to give them more space to touch grass that is secluded from the main part of campus. BOHOKEN,
A Computer Science student confessed, “I don’t actually know how to code. What even is ‘Hello World’?
Is finding a relationship on campus hard? Do you skip showers frequently? Are you afraid to speak to people of the opposite sex, same sex, or anyone at all? If you said yes to all three of these questions, then dating apps are probably the place for you. Luckily, desperate Snevets students like yourself are on the apps, waiting to virtually mingle and have the same conversation over and over and over again! In this article, we are going to tell you everything you need to know about the dating apps that your peers are using and how you can leverage this knowledge to find your Snevets person. Let’s kick things off by discussing the most pro-
Quick tips for parents on how to be more involved in their kid’s college life
grammar police
For many parents, sending their little ducklings to Snevets can be stressful. With rumors of rodents making the best food Snevets has ever seen, some interesting topics of the first-year course, and a crazy amount of wind, here are some quick tips for all the parents of the Snevets community to get involved.
The first way to get involved at Snevets is to call your little duckling at least 10 times an hour. If they don’t answer, the next logical step is to call every known department at Snevets, from ResLife to the Honesty Board, to find out where your little kiddo has gone.
Becoming a professor is another way to get more involved with your gosling’s education. After all, with AI making it easy for students to cheat, teaching should be the same. As a professor, you can be around your
child, bribe their friends for information with better grades, and, of course, talk to other professors when your duckling’s grades aren’t straight A’s.
One last tip for parents to help their little gargoyle not be lonely at Snevets is organizing playdates! Back in elementary school, parents always figured out the logistics of their kiddos going to their friends’ houses for a playdate, going for ice cream after school, or having a sleepover! Rather than hear about how your little duckling is bored and has nothing to do over the weekend, schedule some playdate for them, like a sleepover in the “University Towers.” I hope this helps all those parents out there who aren’t sure what’s happening in the little duckling’s life. And remember, this is just a start. If you have more ideas or concerns about your kids, call the wrong department 37 times an hour!
photo courtesy chaptgpt
by anthony curcio-petraccoro, stuper
photo courtesy chaptgpt
Fake Newz
Executive Board
boss woman..................................jiya jaisinghani ‘27
money launderer....................................fiona shi ‘28
[barely] managing editor 3.0............tianna spitz ‘27 excel-errator..........................josephine choong ‘28 layout wizard 4.0........................eiliyah sarowar ‘28 internet explorer ......................charmy kotadia ‘27
Operations Board paparazzi...........................................rafael lee li ‘25 infulencer...........................mirabelle babanawo ‘28 transportation.................................jonathan lai ‘28
your mom...........................................isabella ziv ‘25 succesful money launderer............tanya avadia ‘26 [barely] managed editor.....jeremiah chinwendu ‘25 layoutcretary...............................nicole giardino ‘25 internet explorer ............................abby jacobs ‘27 chair of chairs......................................ava wang ‘25 grammer police.........................evan papageorge ‘26 Retired Bored
Staff & Contributors
emily martinez
anthony curcio-petraccoro gavin ruby
anna dabrowski
viktor palmer kai wong
kevin castner jr. disha gohil mmadison heller
If you want to have an opinion, join The St*te. Masthead
abby thomas jeylan jubran stephen pachucki jack scherban
Here’s a letter from the editor: Do not submit things to us. We don’t care!
jk jk, but we’re not gonna make this easy for you. Please take your submissions, print them, neatly place them in an envelope, and then leave them on the bench in the leftmost gateway south basement shower Report back to the shower in 6-9 business days for a timely response.
AI CONTINUED FROM PAGE #1
I guess it’s time to switch majors.”
Another student and self-proclaimed ChatGPT fan despaired, “I had a premium subscription! My credit card was still charged even after ChatGPT’s disappearance so where is that money going?”
One finance bro noted, “Yeah I used ChatGPT for everything so I don’t know what I’ll do now. I’ve used it for stock pitches, presentations, maximizing shareholder value … this really sucks.”
Still, some students are choosing to adapt to ChatGPT’s disap-
DATING
CONTINUED FROM PAGE #1
found “dating” app of them all, Tinder! This app is like a get-outof-jail-free card but you get put back in jail 10 seconds (on a good day) after redeeming it. In simpler terms, don’t expect anything serious here. As far as profiles go, also don’t expect a biography. Snevets students tend to reveal as little about themselves as possible on Tinder, in hopes that their peers won’t recognize them. Our analysts trained a large language model to generate a common Tinder conversation between Snevets students:
“Which dorm were you in freshman year?”
… “Oh um uh the northernmost one”
“What are you studying at Stevens?”
… “Matlab, I think”
“Have you taken ME483 yet?
pearance. One group explained, “Yeah we’ve been using old fashioned methods like asking Akinator to read our minds, sliding into people’s DMs, and trying to bypass the blur on Course Hero.” Their levels of success are questionable.
Even some professors lamented the loss of ChatGPT, “Yeah I’ve used it to respond to student emails. Who has time to read all of that anyways? It’s never anything important.”
In an official statement, Snevets announced a new initiative to increase GPAs. The statement reads, “To restore student GPAs and preserve Snevets’ pristine reputation, the Honesty Board will be disbanded. Furthermore,
I need help with this Block Diagram” … “Sorry, I don’t think this is going to work out”
Also, expect to find your lab partner on this app, and that you will be really uncomfortable around them afterwards. Our analysts suggest using photos of yourself at the Samuel See. Williams library on your profile. This is a terrible conversation starter, which is great for this app!
Moving on, let’s discuss Hinge, a crowd favorite among college students nationally. While Hinge places great emphasis on user personality with its extensive prompts and unique interface, Stevens students are capable of depriving even the most functional institutions of happiness. Our analysts at the Stupe performed a rigorous analysis of 1000 Hinge profiles belonging to Stevens students set within a one mile radius of campus. Of this population, an alarming 92% reported ‘yes’ to smoking cigarettes, and a shock-
using the money meant for graduation regalia for seniors (who now have to pay out of pocket), Snevets will be providing free Chegg subscriptions to the 100 students with the lowest GPAs.”
Snevets has also mandated all faculty and staff who worked on the hit mathematics platform Gradarius to use their talents towards creating the Snevets version of ChatGPT, which will somehow end up being duck-themed and cost a fee to use that is not already included in tuition.
Despite concerns from students, professors, and employers in the area, Snevets is confident in its plan to recover student GPAs. “Remember, we are doing this for the Student Outcomes Report.”
ing 76% stated ‘Attila’ under the “My simple pleasures” prompt. Our analysts recommend that Snevets students looking for success on Hinge must be able to provide a referral to a company belonging to the S&P 500, and also use the prompt “My greatest strength is a strong immune system.”
Finally, if you are planning on using Bumble as a Snevets student, all we have to say to you is good luck. Multiple Snevets students have reported sightings of alternate life forms making appearances on their Bumble feed, and occasionally Grubhub delivery drivers. In fact, after asking one of our writers to test drive the Bumble experience, they matched with a cockroach from the How Building. We heard that their date was sufficient. Remember Ducks, Bumble is a desolate place and best reserved for users above the age of 26. Consequently, we wish all of our doctoral candidate readers happy hunting!
Snevets sees a decrease in unemployment rates, but why
by evan
papageorge, grammer police
Snevets students have dutifully submitted resumes into the abyss of the career portal, with often little to no success. Some receive offers from prestigious corporations, taking on positions like “Local Bar Regular” and “Unpaid Family Intern,” but not many. However, this year’s Career Outcomes Report revealed something shocking: Snevets Career Center has gotten students jobs. No, seriously. Actual paying jobs.
An alarming 62% increase in graduates has taken down LinkedIn’s “Looking for Opportunities”
tag. Instead, many have found gainful employment, though a closer look at the data reveals some unexpected trends. What is the most popular career choice for male graduates? OF modeling — and no, that doesn’t stand for Operations Facilitator, despite what some tell their parents. One confused engineering graduate said, “I originally thought I was optimizing fluid dynamics, but it turns out the only thing I’m optimizing is subscription tiers.”
Meanwhile, the number of students living at home has reached an all-time high. With entry-level salaries barely covering a month’s rent in the city, many have turned their childhood bedrooms into state-of-the-art re-
mote workspaces (a.k.a. the same place they played Minecraft in middle school). One proud graduate shared, “I have a hybrid work schedule. Half the time I’m in meetings […] The other half my mom is yelling at me to take out the trash.”
The administration is calling this a massive success for Snevets itself. “Our job placement rates have never been higher!” the administrator says, conveniently ignoring the number of graduates whose primary income now depends on foot pictures. At this rate, Snevets’ next significant career initiative is launching a masterclass in personal brand monetization. Tuition for that? Only $80,000 a year.
Rats discovered in Peirce Dining Hall; All are thrilled
by ben knob lock, inside scoop
A precautionary inspection of Peirce Dining Hall has uncovered what state health officials are calling a “serious, pervasive, and not easily addressable” rodent infestation of the university’s beloved dining institution. However, to the chagrin of authorities and delight of the administration, numerous students are demanding that rats be allowed greater access to the Peirce kitchen after it was found that they were improving the quality of the eatery’s food.
The inspection was called in shortly after dining workers noticed a number of large rats rolling around in trays of scalloped potatoes and rubbing themselves against pieces of chicken cordon bleu. However, after serving the dishes, Snevets said that it had received positive feedback from students regarding the taste of the affected chicken and potatoes.
“I’m not usually thrilled about these kinds of incidents,” said Executive Chef Antonius in a private interview with The Stupe, “but I’m speaking for my whole team when I say that we were
sufficiently impressed by the culinary acumen of the vermin.”
Allowed access to Peirce’s kitchen, The Stupe observed hundreds of rats running rampant over counters, workstations, and even the food itself. One large brown rodent was seen knocking containers of spice, previously untouched, into side dishes. Another, apparently tampering with the settings on Peirce’s largescale ovens, caused the casserole inside to be cooked at the correct temperature. Others were simply immersing themselves in the food, which occasionally had the effect of improving the appearance of the dishes once the rats had been removed.
“The rats are what we might call true connoisseurs of cuisine,” affirmed Sous-Chef Margaret.
Over the next several days, workers made changes to improve rodent accessibility to trays of food before they were served. Positive tips from patrons of Peirce continued to roll in, ultimately convincing Snevets to notify New Jersey health authorities that they would not comply with orders to cease operations. The State continues to assert that students are being misled by incorrect assumptions propagat-
ed by the 2007 film Ratatouille. One student, Jasper Scheudenforken, disagrees. “Pest or not, the rats are doing in the kitchen what the human beings couldn’t.” Buoyed by proponents like Jasper, one rat, who has been deemed Tail, is being inducted as Snevets’s newest mascot. At press time, 40% of the student body had died of the Bubonic Plague. The cause of the outbreak remains under investigation.
photo courtesy chaptgpt
Coming Sooooon?
Fantastic Flats kicks Giovanni’s to the curb
by tanya avadia, retired (and successful) money launderer
Last year, the entire student body mourned the death removal of Fantastic Flats from the UCC Marketplace. It was a tragedy for a place sooooo Fantastic to be taken away from the students. Students also weren’t keen on its replacement being Happy Appy, as there was nothing Happy about the situation. However, The Stupe’s undercover investigative journalism has led to the discovery
that Fantastic Flats is making a comeback… at Giovanni Pizza’s old location.
The Hoboken favorite, Giovanni’s closed its doors at the end of last year. The reasoning behind such a move was that they were unable to agree on the lease terms. However, The Stupe finds that the real reason was because Snevets wanted to “listen” to student voices and bring back Fantastic Flats. Unfortunately, given the small size of the campus, it was difficult to incorporate a new dining option on campus (despite
the fact that no one uses the Amazon Go store), and so they did the next best thing which was to give the landlords of the place where Giovanni’s was an offer they couldn’t resist. Instead of funding more scholarships, or housing, the school gave its students back their overly salted chicken salad on rock-hard bagels. Anyways, be sure to visit Fantastic Flats next fall, and remember that it will cost three meal swipes for one meal, because of inflation, and because Snevets just blew its budget… again!
The plan for a new, experimental LLC
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don’t you miss this???
The capstone project of a Quantitative Social Science major is a senior thesis that expands the knowledge of societal trends. As a rising senior, I recently submitted my thesis proposal, and I knew it had to be GOOD in order to beat the HASS hate from the rest of Snevets students.
One morning, I was taking a brisk walk down Fraternity Row, and a lightbulb just went off! I immediately sprinted to Dean Ken Neilson’s office and busted into a meeting of him and all Greek Organization presidents. It appeared that they were arguing over the possession of the recently vacated 805 CPH property, but I knew I could solve this argument immediately.
“I NEED IT FOR MY SENIOR THESIS!” I screamed.
don’t have to deal with this. Here are the keys.”
With this new property, I decided that I had to cultivate the social experiment of a lifetime. My thesis: What happens when you put Snevets’ most insufferable, annoying, and overachieving students in one house? Thus, the new Leadership LLC was born and will reside at 805 next fall.
I will be handpicking each resident based on criteria of excessive student involvement, but I will also be doing my best to make sure everyone is incompatible with each other. For example: I might put an overachieving Pinnacle Scholar in a room with a student who has been salty that they aren’t a Pinnacle Scholar for the past three years. Additionally, only those who have joined the Snevets Strava running group will be eligible because no one
is more insufferable than people who wake up early to run. Throughout the year, I will be tracking this group’s ability to get along as I sneakily introduce conflict. One “mole” will be residing in the house, my Science Technology and Society colleague, who is versed in analyzing the human and non-human reactions of STEM majors. My assistant will introduce conflict, specifically by telling members of the SGA that Gear and Triangle is shit talking them and planning a government coup. We are also thinking about pitting the Entertainment Committee and the Pinnacle Scholar planning committee against each other for some extra flavor.
You might be asking how this experiment passed the Institutional Review Board (IRB). Well, fortunately, President Trump signed an executive order banning all IRBs, so I didn’t have to deal with that.
Library open 24/7 to ensure horrible school-life balance
by Josephine Choong, excel-errator
In a recent report, approximately 1% of Snevets students are failing. However, the Snevets administration has deemed this unacceptable and an affront to everything the university stands for. To decrease this terrible statistic, Snevets has announced that the library is open 24/7 for students.
In order to make the most of these changes, students are expected to spend at least one hour per day in the library. However, Snevets recognizes the challenges that commuters may face because of the additional hour. They have mercifully allowed the commuters to sleep over at the library and surround themselves with the wisdom of books.
One student, who hasn’t
left the library in two weeks, noted how enjoyable it was to not have a life. “I don’t need to worry about friends or family or any other pointless things. I can focus on my one true love: chemistry.” They have been sustaining themselves on America’s Cup and hoard ing the remains of their san ity. Because of their fuel for knowledge, they claimed that they haven’t slept for a week. Said student was proudly shown as an exemplar for Sne vets students in various social media platforms. Unfortunately, to accommo date for these hours, Snevets has decided to break labor laws and mandate overtime for the library staff. Every staff member is now expected (and required) to work 24/7 shifts without break. Since the new rules were enacted, our librar ians are looking more and more like zombies. While it appears
Tail the campus rat spreads joy and disease
Unsatiated by dog and duck, the Snevets community has been ravenously calling for a third mascot to supplement Tillie and Attila as ambassadors and stewards of the University’s beloved brand. After a thorough sampling of the available fauna capable of surviving on Hoboken tap water, the school has announced that “Tail” will become the Campus Rat of Snevets.
The school made the announcement on its website last Friday. “Snevets is thrilled to introduce a new four-legged friend: Tail, a lovable Rattus norvegicus (sewer rat) who will offer emotional support and comfort to students, faculty, and staff.”
Tail was found at three days of age while he was living in a tray of asparagus in the Peirce Dining Hall kitchen with his extended family. After being separated from his brethren and given a bath, he was given the name of Tail to reflect his unusual tail color, which is miraculously the same as Snevets maroon (RGB: 157, 21, 53).
The new mascot was an immediate smash hit. Flocks of students were seen jostling to get a glimpse of Tail as he scurried and scrabbled down Wittpenn Walk for the first time, and later, reaching to let him eat a bit of trash out of their hands in front of the library.
Tail will be accessible through special appointments, and you may also spot him at events, enjoying a leisurely stroll, or indulging in a “Rat Platt’” at America’s Cup.
“College life can be stressful, and it’s easy to feel isolated,” said Vice President for Student Affairs Susan Klain, “but the presence of this rodent reminds us that no matter where you are, a living creature is closer than you think.” She noted that this is especially true for students who live in Crusty Point Hall.
Snevets also advised that while petting is encouraged at all therapy rat appointments, students should not neglect to wash their hands thoroughly once they end.
At press time, the school announced yet another mascot addition after Tail unexpectedly became the proud father of 79.
photo courtesy of savvymom.ca
photo courtesy of tx-gamma.org
by ben knob lock, inside scoop
photo courtesy of
Health and Wellness
Nanoscale condoms hit vending machines
by kevin castner jr., bad take haver
wThe Stupe was able to meet with a member of the swim team, James Johnson, to gauge his reaction to this unprecedented show of support from Snevets. “It’s not about size. It’s about performance, streamlining, hydrodynamics, aerodynamics. Honestly, anything that ends with -dynamics.” Johnson loved the design so much that he actually wears it during his races, claiming, “they really just make you want to dive in there, ya know? Really give it my all when stroking.”
The condoms are made from carbon nanotubes and self-fabricated via magnetic fields, since there are no end effectors, let alone hands, capable of putting these things together. The carbon nanotubes are hydrophilic, which is a boon for both lubrication and feedback. At the nanoscale, the forces we are used to experiencing are dominated by microforces such as the van der Waals force, surface tension (just about the only tension that will be between any pair using these), and dipole interactions. These condoms greatly increase molecular interaction, increasing the chances of somebody actually feeling something during intercourse exponentially.
Not all feedback has been
positive. One soccer player reported “nano chafing” after attempting to use two at the same time for a snugger fit. Reportedly, several of the condoms became detached during a high-tension lacrosse scrimmage. Several members
were alright with this though, stating, “We’re not really big… on commitment anyway.” Only time will tell what prevailing opinion will be, but one thing is certain: the Snevets (legacy) pool is getting some upgrades.
CAPS introduces new gaslighting therapy program
by viktor palmer, slightly better take haver
Snevets Counseling and Psychological Services has started exploring new techniques for counseling programs. CAPS has recently announced the introduction of “gaslighting therapy” into their program, releasing a statement on their website: “Sometimes a student in distress just needs to be told ‘No, I don’t think so.’” The gaslighting program teaches students daily affirmations so they can develop a more positive outlook on campus.
Available time slots to meet with a counselor on campus have been booked fully since this announcement, and students are starting to turn on each other in an attempt to meet with one of our new gaslighting experts. It is too early to determine the success of this new program; However, students on campus have developed record-breaking delusions about almost everything.
Some of the popular topics discussed with these counselors have successfully changed students’ outlooks on themselves and campus. Positive opinions on campus food have increased exponentially, situationships have been going strong, and failing students, still failing, believe they are on the dean’s list. Countless couples have saved their relationships the past few days and
give full credit to Snevets’s very own gaslight therapy.
Campus police express concern in the aftermath of some students’ CAPS experiences. Going for a leisurely walk around campus will usually result in a few bystanders hearing a “No sir, this is certainly not a beer” in passing. There has been a recent report of a squad of students tiptoeing across campus with burlap sacks in black and white striped shirts, whispering, “Nothing to see here One bank, please,” as they book a stuber.
Despite the concerns, the new overflow of positive outlook on campus has been perceived as helpful to the campus community, and has started impacting professors. Students entering class late simply explain, “I am just as on time as everyone else.” Professors, while a little confused at first, have started to enjoy the new confidence displayed in some of their previously inactive students. The gaslighting program has allowed students to use positive affirmations to pass exams and gain perfect attendance.
Snevets’ Counseling and Psychological Services is an incredibly helpful and accessible program available for all Stevens students. There’s only one way to find out if gaslighting therapy is right for you — CAPS appointments can be scheduled on its website.
Graphic Courtesy of Kevin Castner Jr.
These qualms influenced this year’s shift to a roundtable discussion format for the -un derage drinking unit. In an -ev er-changing landscape of -plac es to score, it is important that the freshman have a platform to share. Snevets yielded -re cord-low hallway barf stains, demonstrating some benefit from group knowledge. HTITS professors were astounded by the profound Socratic seminar discussions students delved into together, pondering -com plex philosophical questions, such as whether underage hangovers can exist if the -alco hol itself “knows” it’s illegal for someone to be underage and hungover. Complaints flooded in concerning the untimeliness of last year’s lab portion of the Freshman Experience course. In the lab, students gain hands-on -ex perience mixing their own -elix irs of life using various -combi nations of vitamin C, Pedialyte, and chicken noodle soup. One concerned father on the -par ents’ Facebook page voiced his frustration: “I don’t ever want that frat flu crap in my house again… ruined my -Thanksgiv ing… Snevets needs to fix this immediately…” Rearranging the curriculum to complete the lab portion of the course prior to Thanksgiving break was -ardu ous, and only served to silence the parents. The future is bright. The course boasts a flexible curriculum that allows for -tai loring to the unique needs of each cohort. This flexibility of special studies is here to stay, solidified by the Fall 2024 cohort’s proven need to complete additional coursework -regard ing mononucleosis transmission. It’s a heartwarming example of a community coming together to create a supportive -environ ment for the newest ducklings. Welcome to the flock! by ava wang, definitely a first year student
spect pillars taught during -syl labus week. The testimonials speak for themselves: “I met my best friend in the Freshman Experience course. I’ll never forget the day she enacted martial law on the gremlin I was talking to. The two of us have been inseparable ever since.” Earlier versions of the -cur riculum only briefly addressed alcohol awareness, mainly -fo cusing on teaching freshmen how to “backpack” a friend who was already in trouble. -Criti cism of this approach centered on its reactive nature rather than a proactive strategy. In a post-game (4 a.m. wake-up call to report yet another -fresh
actions align with the -self-re
Core concepts the new curriculum identified and addressed include how to set boundaries with your roommate, perspectives on hookup culture, explorations in self-respect, and roundtable discussions on scoring some booze. By offering real-world advice and relatable experiences, the course -bridg es the gap between theoretical knowledge and practical -appli cation within the community. In class, students have the opportunity to work -collabo ratively to peer review each other’s very first college situationships, engaging in open -dis cussions about whether their
Transitions into new -chap ters of life are notoriously challenging, the first year of college being no exception. Snevets correctly notes that equipping students with the tools necessary to succeed both in and out the classroom during this turbulent phase -enhanc es retention, overall student satisfaction, and NSSE -statis tics. Feedback, both qualitative and quantitative, regarding the 2023 pilot of the Freshmen -Ex perience course contributed to key refinements in the curriculum, culminating in the -success ful Fall 2024 launch.
man’s upchuck) interview, an RA exasperatedly pleaded with the administration, “Please, for the love of God, teach them how to drink. Liquor before dollar beers, in the clear; dollar beers before liquor, never sicker. I can’t be the one to tell them, but someone has to.”
the freshmen staring at me when i ask them about the FYE
Snevets successful launch of Freshman Experience course
In a bold move by Snevets administration that can only be described as intellectual hubris, a Clarks Scholars-only section of D2 with one elite group was introduced this past semester. Unlike other sections of the course, it was deemed that the Clarks Scholars, creme a la crop as they are, were in need of a bigger challenge. The design parameters were simple: create a boat capable of holding 1,870 ducks (entirely out of PLA). A modified version of the standard kit was, of course, not provided. In place of the four AA batteries, several car -bat teries were “ethically sourced” from Crusty Point Hall lot. For propulsion, several box fans were “borrowed” from a range of dorms. The Halal truck -gen erously donated a pixelated screen in place of the OLED. Incredibly long jumper wires were provided, but the group still opted to not color code their power and ground. But the project was not all smooth sailing. Several -mem bers of the group tragically perished in the pursuit of -nau tical academic achievement. One group member was -entire ly vaporized after -incorrect ly wiring the -super-mega-ulti mate-gofuckyourself capacitor. Another group member -valiant ly laid down their life defending the 20 printers required for 243 hours in the MakerSpace from Senior Design teams. The technical challenges were not limited either. Due to the sheer size of the -Aru whatchamacallit Marker -need ed to be seen by the Snevets satellite, the amount of heat absorbed by the black ink was enough to start melting the boat. At one point, the -batter ies caught fire. Fortunately, the smoke wafted into McClean and cancelled Gen Chem labs for the day. After a half-hearted risk assessment by the TA, the USS IHateItHere was launched into the Hudson from the Blue Eyes boat ramp to clear Snevets of any liability. The boat managed to float for 13 minutes before eventually delaminating and leaking battery acid, PLA, and hopes and dreams into the -Hud son (apparently net decreasing the pollution levels). Snevets has lauded this project as an unparalleled success with plans to have next year’s Clarks project be a fully functioning -hov ercraft. When the last -surviv ing member of the team was asked for comment, they simply stated, “I am switching to -busi ness.”
by kevin castner jr., older man than last year
PHOTO COURTESY OF KEVIN CASTNER JR.
by disha gohil, science righter
An orca was spotted balancing a salmon on its head in late October near Washington’s Kitsap Peninsula, according to the Orca Network.
This specific killer whale is known to marine biologists and whale watchers as J27, also known as Blackberry. However, this isn’t the first time that
a killer whale was seen with a “salmon hat.” According to Deborah Giles, science and research director of Wild Orca (a nonprofit conservation and research group), orcas were seen balancing salmon on their heads in the late 1980s. In early November, Giles said she saw a southern resident killer whale balancing a salmon on its head — the second recent observation of it, but it is unsure
if this orca is J27. Giles explained that this behavior, its meaning still unclear, apparently faded away for decades. She speculated that a whale exhibiting this type of behavior could be saving salmon to share with another member of its pod.
However, these southern resident killer whales, which typically spend several months in the inland waters of Puget
Sound each year, are critically endangered and protected under the Marine Mammal Protection Act. The whales rely on fish—preferably Chinook salmon—and live in three pods called J, K and L.
The southern residents have been the center of attention of conservation efforts for decades. Starting in the 1960s, many southern resident whales were captured and transported
to marine parks. By 1974, only 71 were left in the wild. Since then, the population has fluctuated, reaching a high of 99 whales in 1995, but declining since then.
“It’s just not happening fast enough,” Giles said. “What we really need to be focusing on is making sure there’s ample prey for these whales throughout their entire range and throughout the entire year.”
photo courtesy ofcooking.nytimes.com
Football is back!
by kai wong, spoots stuper
In a move that has stunned students, faculty, and the local community, Snevets Institute of Technology has announced the long-awaited return of its football program after 100 years. The new team is set to take the field in Fall 2025.
“We are thrilled to bring football back to Snevets,” said Athletic Director Roger Russells in a press conference held in Pierce Dining Hall at 4:20 p.m.. “After years of dominating Middle Atlantic Conference sports in volleyball, quidditch, and esports, we figured, why not football?”
While Snevets’ previous football team disbanded after the 1924-1925 season, officials believe that with some minor adjustments, the DeBaun Field can be transformed into a full-fledged football stadium.
“We’ve crunched the numbers,” said President Narfarvar. “If we extend the field by approximately 50 yards and knock down MPK and the River Dorms, it should work.”
With no existing players, the
athletics department is moving fast to assemble a team. Open tryouts will be held next week, and no prior experience is highly recommended. In fact, preference will be given to mechanical engineers who can design their own helmets, computer science students who can program AI-powered playbooks, and biomedical engineering majors willing to test experimental concussion-proof headgear.
The coaching staff is still in the hiring process, though rumors suggest that a group of overenthusiastic alumni from the Class of 1973 has volunteered to co-coach via Zoom.
Perhaps most exciting of all, Snevets has officially challenged MIT to an inaugural game, hoping to rekindle an old rivalry from the 1800s. However, MIT has yet to respond.
As anticipation builds, one question remains: Will Snevets football actually happen, or is it just another ambitious engineering project that runs out of funding halfway through?
Either way, the Ducks will be Waiting all day for Sunday Night.
Campus Pulse
by rafael lee li and mia petrolino
What’s the Roving question this week?
Stephanie Mcdonough ’25
“How would you go out in the Hunger Games?”
Anisa Lubonja ’27
“What would you do if when you okay so he said yes would go?”
Alejandro Ruiz ‘27
“Gay son or thot daughter?”
Krishna Mansukhani ’27 “Nothing. Leave me alone.”
Mateo Picconi ’25
“What’s your favorite San Francisco 49ers player?”
Tillie Stella Stevens ’29 “Woof?”
Laura Masciola ’25
“What kind of shoe would you be?”
Brandon Lu ‘27 “Can
Opinions you shouldn’t listen to
THE STUTE EDITORIAL
Giya Dressingonit is dead!
by tianna
On March 27, 2025, a harrowing missing persons investigation came to a grim close late into the night as The Stupe’s Editor in Chief, Giya dressingonit was presumed dead in a tragic Davis Hall fire that set the UCC ablaze.
Just three days before the incident, Jaisinghani was reported missing by peers (fellow eboard members), merely hours after eboard elections results were finalized. Campus authorities, the valiant Snevets dad cops, have begun a campus-wide investigation
into the basement of the former TX basement from an anonymous tip. Authorities discovered Gen Chem weighing scale and meth formulas next to Jaisinghani’s BME homework. The Trivia Club decoded her thermo to reveal a foreign account linked to large sums transferred from the Snevets Chi Phi chapter.
Former Editor in Chief, Isabelle Sieve, reported witnessing Jaisinghani on the UCC terrace along the water holding a briefcase, meeting a Chi Phi brother before the meeting escalated to a heated altercation, shortly before Sieve left in fear for her life. Sieve oddly
book of the week
reeked of gasoline, rubbing ash from her sweater.
At 11:30 p.m., the Davis Hall fire alarm began its high-pitched whine, but the Hoboken Fire Department dragged themselves up 9th St hill not to find a freshman squinting through hot box smoke, but a magnificent blaze. ResEd reported they will commemorate The Davis Fire and Jaisinghani’s memory by streamlining freshman tower construction, cutting demo costs by 100%. The fire reflected onto the dark rippling surface of the river, and I knew that the Hudson was good for something.
The Cat in the Hat falls flat
by madison heller ‘27
The Cat in the Hat is trite and derived, But the truth, my friend, is it’s the worst book for bedtime, deprived. It starts with a cliche, so tired and worn, that it’s hardly worth reading, much less being adorned. A dark, stormy night, or rather a “cold wet day,” does not make me cheer or feel eager to play. It’s so absurd, even a child can see, that there are countless stories far better than this, you’ll agree. Yet here we are, subjected to this tale, a lesson in mediocrity that’s too easy to hail. So although my words may seem rash or brash, soon you’ll see, this book belongs in the trash. Its opening line, so dreadfully played, leaves a sour taste, where excitement once laid. What child is inspired by such stale, lazy prose? It doesn’t ignite a spark of creation, it just stifles and slows with indignation. Now let’s talk about the cat, or rather the man, with a hat on his head that defies logic’s plan. A hat does not belong on a cat, can’t you see? They’d hiss, they’d growl, they’d flee to a tree! But not this one, oh no, he’s here to play, with a man’s grinning face and ears that sway. A tail that’s too cute, but far from believable, his presence on a cat is just plainly unbelievable.
I’m so much happier now that I’m dead. Technically missing. Soon to be presumed dead. Gone. And the Chi Phi brothers will be shut down for cleaning my meth money, if their alumn manage to pay their way out of the murder charge. Let the punishment fit the crime. To fake a convincing murder, you have to have discipline
The Stupe loved the Editor in Chief they wanted me to be. “Cool Editor in Chief”. Eboard always uses that, don’t they?
As their defining compliment: “She’s a cool boss”. Cool Editor in Chief is never demanding. Editor in Chief is game. Cool Editor in Chief is fun. Cool Editor in Chief never gets tired of copyedit mistakes. She only smiles in a chagrined, loving manner.When I met Isabelle Sieve, I knew she wanted a “Cool Editor in Chief”. And for her, I’ll admit: I was willing to try. I lived in the moment. I was fucking game. I can’t say I didn’t enjoy some of it. The dad cops and the media will believe Sieve’s cover story, after she thought she brought me down. But I planted the seed, and they will find the hard truth written in this letter, floating down the Hudson inside of a rubber duck after I’m long gone. Gone and free and happy.
And what about his tricks, so “wondrous” and grand, they barely impress, even the most naive in the land. He makes a mess, he brings a storm, and though he plays games, they’re nothing but warm. A fish, who protests, and a dog in despair, but our magical cat just doesn’t seem to care. He spins, he juggles, he shows off with flair, yet when all is said and done, he’s nowhere to be found — into thin air. Children once entertained made sad once more, without a new friend to help keep them warm. He vanishes as quickly as he came, leaving chaos behind him, without any shame. The house is wrecked, the children in shock, yet the book just wraps up like the tick of a clock. No lessons learned, no wisdom to impart, just a mess, a cat, without a brand new start. Where is the depth, the meaning, the grace? Why should a book like this take up precious space? It teaches nothing of value, not even a thing, just a cat who makes noise and wears a hat with a string.
It’s a farce, a mockery, a poorly conceived jest, a bedtime story that truly fails the test.
So before you read this trite little rhyme, think twice about wasting your valuable time. Pick up a book that will actually inspire, not one that just douses your joy in the mire. The Cat in the Hat deserves no acclaim, it’s a lowly excuse, not worthy of fame. The tricks? A bore.
As a music and technol ogy major, when I applied to Snevets, I submitted a musical portfolio. Submitting mine resulted in more
opportunities for scholarships, and as a 19-year-old arts major, I love free money! I assume that most people do, so I’ve been trying to push any current applicants I know to submit some portfolios of their own. As a freshman, it’s an excellent time to start bettering your own portfolio, there are so many resources that make it really easy. Here are the secrets to an impressive portfolio and an even more impressive academic career!
The two biggest and best motivators for a music and
How does the female orgasm work?
I don’t know, but I it.
tech major are, of course, money, and of finding a way to put in the least amount of effort possible! There is one major way to do this, and that is using AI for everything. I love AI, my least favorite part about being in music and tech is being involved in writing music. Ugh. There is nothing I hate more than working on a passion project and seeing it get better over time with effort. Just typing this now is giving me the heebeegeebees. Yikes. Using AI makes it so easy, I can just get lyrics and then generate a beat, and then it’s done. It’s that easy. Once I get good at that I can start releasing AI music to streaming to farm monetary compensation and oversaturate the market. It really is that easy. One thing that really bothers me is when people tell me to support small artists. Um… why would I do that? There’s probably a reason they don’t have a lot of streams. I’m doing the
music industry a huge service with my hard work. My HASS professor started talking about how young people have lower reading comprehension post pandemic. We read a study analyzing the new learning curves and potential reasons for this gap. For most students this was probably super boring to read, but I however, used the magic of AI to do it for me. Reading is easy! Being an academic weapon is really hard for most people, but I have mastered the art of doing absolutely nothing most of the time. I don’t understand why people come to college to learn, it’s so much easier to farm a mediocre GPA while building an even more underwhelming portfolio. Some say if you get a job you love you’ll never have to work a day in your life, but now you don’t even have to do anything! If you take my advice here, you won’t regret it.
Jr. B.E. ‘24 & M.E.
by viktor palmer ‘28
spitz ‘27, giya’s replacement?
Opinions you shouldn’t listen to
Unmasking: An Autism
Story
CDC announces ban on masking, group with autism creates ultra-advanced “Tism-Town”
By Evan Papageorge ‘26
In a stunning move by the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), as of April 1, 2025, America will be subject to a non-mask mandate: No one in the country can wear a mask! Neurotypicals don’t know what’s happening, but neurodivergent individuals are seemingly collapsing en masse. Read more below to unmask the drama of the unmasking mandate!
As often mentioned in this column, masking is a behavioral coping mechanism in which individuals hide their thoughts, urges,
and personalities to better conform to social norms. Essentially, masking is putting on a mask to fit in with those around them. As previously discussed in this column, individuals with autism often mask for almost the entirety of their time interacting in social settings, whether suppressing the urge to rant about their hyper-interest or sitting on their hands to stop a physical stim.
The CDC’s announcement explained that multiple studies find that individuals with autism are constantly reporting heavy tolls on their mental health. To help reduce the stress and burnout of those who mask, the CDC decided to ban all masking! Preliminary studies have already shown significant changes with focus groups on unmasking. For example, one group of an equal mix of neurodivergent and neurotypical individuals reported that the neurotyp -
cO-Op Chronicles Co-opitis
co-opitis doesn’t discriminate. It’s the mental and academic whiplash of trading Outlook calendars for Canvas, office meetings for midterms, and a paycheck for attendance points.
By Jeylan Jubran ‘27
You’ve heard of senioritis — that fog that settles over your final year, where motivation drops and everything starts to feel “optional”.
But let me introduce you to her less glamorous, more chaotic cousin: co-opitis.
Co-opitis hits when you come back from coop and have to remember how to be a student again. It doesn’t matter if you’re a sophomore, junior, or about-to-graduate senior —
You spend months waking up early, sending emails that start with “Per my last message,” and getting paid actual money. Then, one day, you’re back in a lecture hall, watching a professor scribble partial derivatives on the board, staring at your Workday registration screen, trying to piece together your schedule like it’s a chaotic game of Tetris — except none of the blocks fit, half the courses conflict, and your academic advisor just left you on read.
Everyone else has moved on without you. Your friends bonded over that one brutal class last semester. The professors forgot who you were.
ical individuals noticed little to no change except that many things were breaking, and no one knew how to fix them. In contrast, neurodivergent individuals seem to be missing, last seen hiding under their beds and avoiding all social contact with anyone. One brave individual sent a chicken-scratch note on an empty instant ramen cup, explaining that they tried to go to the store without masking and couldn’t even reach the front door of Acme.
However, another focus group consisting of all neurodivergent individuals trying out the mandate employed a very effective strategy. They moved to the middle of the woods in updated New York, created their town, and now live in silence as they are all too afraid to speak without masking. Surprisingly, in the three weeks since they started, the self-proclaimed “’Tism-Town” has already built a town hall, library,
university, and hospital that cured cancer within three days, plus a spaceport that somehow created fasterthan-light travel. However, without all the neurotypical individuals, the area seemed to have reverted back to 17th-century technology, seemingly surprised that all of the engineers, scientists, and technology-specialists have moved to ‘Tism-Town.
With the upcoming mandate, the CDC hopes the general population will be more like Tism-Town rather than hiding under beds or in 17th-century technology test groups. With the increasing rates of stress, we can only hope that banning masking relieves stress before the world falls apart from all the missing neurodivergent individuals. In the worst case, the neurodivergent population can take Tism-Town’s faster-thanlight rocket to another galaxy and live a life of peace there.
“Tism-Town” by ChatGPT
BRAINROT QUIZ: STUPE EDITION
The department added a new prerequisite you didn’t even know existed. And suddenly, you’re “off-cycle,” which is academic-speak for “good luck figuring it out.”
But beyond the scheduling mess, co-opitis is a deeper kind of shift. It’s the strange feeling of sitting in class and realizing your attention span has been permanently formatted into 30-minute meeting blocks. It’s wanting to ask your professor for a deliverable timeline and KPIs. It’s logging into a group project and instinctively checking for a Teams meeting link that doesn’t exist.
You came back changed — and that’s not a bad thing. You’ve seen the other side. You know what a real job looks like. You understand why your degree matters. But that doesn’t make the transition back easy.
Co-opitis is real. It’s weird. It’s uncomfortable. It’s watching your color-coded co-op calendar turn into a panic-coded academic one. It’s wondering when “How was your weekend?” turned into “Can you send me the homework?” And it’s fighting the urge to schedule a one-on-one just to ask your TA a question. But it also means you’re growing. You’ve leveled up. And even if your Workday plan of study still looks like a design challenge for stressed-out engineers, you’re going to be okay. So to everyone back from co-op and trying to remember how to study, how to socialize, how to even school — welcome back. You’re just coping with co-opitis. If you survived Excel formulas and Teams calls, you can survive this too.
teased and hinted at for years now. It is about time this popular diva released
The first track is entitled “Almost Forever.” This song is the tragically perfect combination of sadness mixed with playful sass. Swift compares the love she has to her cats with the love she has for her new partner, Travis Kelce. She explains that her and Kelce’s love was “almost forever” but her cat got in the way. This song is inspired by her very public experience when Travis Kelce said on ESPN that Swift “does not love him like he loves her cats” and he was visibly upset. We are yet to hear Kelce’s reaction to this first track, but from the lyrics alone, I don’t think he will like this
If you know Taylor Swift you know that her Track 5 is
Which of the following is Stupe-talk for “Business Manager”?
A. Embezzlement overlord
B. Bus Man, the negotiator
C. PCard Principal
D. money mommy
Winner gets a high five (while supplies last)
always the show-stopping, award-winning song. This Track 5 really surpassed our expectations. Track 5 is entitled “Handwritten Letters.” I was speechless the first time I heard this song. This song features Harry Styles in a duet about their burnt out flame. They were together back in 2012/2013 when we were all so young and looking forward to Styles and Swift being together forever. This song is beautiful and has every aspect of a great love song. The duet between these two powerhouses of songwriters was actually one of the best things that has happened so far this year. This album is actually insane. I talked to a couple of my peers and everyone has told me that they have not heard it yet. I am shocked! The album has been out for about a month now and it
feels like the whole world has been talking about it. I read in a newspaper yesterday that Taylor Swift is visiting small engineering research institutions to promote her music. Snevets is hopefully going to be one of her stops. Who knows? Maybe she is headlining Tech Fest this April…. Overall, I URGE you to listen to this album. It is classic Taylor Swift with beautiful lyrics, complex styles, and perfect compositions. I look forward to sharing this excitement with all of you once you stream Karma by Taylor Swift. It is full of love and loss, heartbreak and happiness, and pain and positivity. I can’t forget to mention that this was total lies and deception. Happy April Fools! Shoutout to ChatGPT for helping me come up with song titles!!!!!!
Puzzle Page
did you turn to the back page just to look at roving and do the puzzles? understandable.
(jk read the rest of the stupe, it’s funny)
Stevens Trivia Club would like to invite you to our first annual Sabrina Carpenter Fan Club Meeting. But this club isn’t open campus Carpenters. Solve six short n’ sweet Sabrina Carpenter
Please Please Please Don't prove 'em right.
Juno
Nonsense
Have you ever tried this one? the extra letters, then spell a word. Hint: you don’t BDEGIRT EJNSO’S ABBSY Lookin' at you got me thinkin' nonsense.
Feather Floatin' through the memories like whatever, you're a waste of time.
• • When you’re done, read the letters with feathers. Taste Sharpest Tool Makes paintings with his tongue.
TO FIND
We were going right, then you took a left. Identify each of the items in Sabrina’s Shed and then
