Study of people named Steven at Stevens yields surprising results

and salvaging their long standing friendship.

Sieve updated her living will to include Sadhu on the afternoon of March 9, 2023.

Punxsutawney Phil disappeared and his inner circle has not been able to locate the groundhog since the discovery of his empty sleeping quarters on the morning of March 12, 2023.

Sieve’s life insurance policy was cashed in on March 17, 2023.

Three of the most expensive Taylor Swift tickets for the March 18, 2023 Arizona Eras Tour stop were snatched up at the last minute on the morning of the show by an anonymous buyer.

As it stands, the evidence is insurmountable. The Editor in Thief swindled her life insurance carrier out of fraudulent benefits to attend the second night of Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour with Sadhu and Punxsutawney Phil in order to settle their potentially friendship-ending debate. Sadhu declines to comment on the matter, but has suspiciously changed her previous tune, and now favors “All Too Well (10 minute version) (Taylor’s Version).” Fellow March 18, 2023 T-Swift concert attendee Sarah Woof snapped the attached picture. For the foreseeable future, I, Ava Wang, will be taking over the Editorial opinion column. Phil remains at large.

by claire hannan, swammer

A recent meta-study conducted on the students of Snevets surrounding the percentage of students named Steven showed some surprising, and possibly concerning, results. At first, researchers were simply attempting to discover if the school’s namesake has any effect on college decisions for incoming students named Steven. However, the researchers soon realized that there were more Stevens graduating than entering, leaving

New football program drops overall freshman GPA

itai geller, person with opinions

The projected overall freshman GPA for the 2023-2024 school year has dropped dramatically in contrast to the current freshman class average after Snevets released its admissions decisions for the regular decision applicant pool for the incoming class. Current students believe that this is due to the introduction of a new football program at Snevets, which will kick off its first season this coming fall.

The university allocated a massive budget to the new program, which many believe to have primarily been taken from the coffers of the Pinnacle Scholars program. Many current students feel targeted, stating that they project major budget cuts for important academic programs. However, those involved with the football program believe that this is an important measure. I spoke to the appointed coach for the football team, Deep Shah.

Although Coach Shah is currently an attending student in the vulnerable computer engineering program, he still believes that the football team is an important development for the university. “My guy, I think that the football team is a very goodie idea, it will bring in a lot of revenue for the school, my guy. On top of that, my guy, the diversity of the student population will increase.” the question: where are all these Stevens coming from? Breaking down the numbers, the Stevens’ population tripled from number entering to number graduating. Looking into it more, they were able to identify a handful of individuals who had seemingly changed their names after orientation. One of these individuals, Steven Richardson, formerly named John, agreed to speak with the group and revealed he made the change to take advantage of the “Stevens’ scholarship.” When pressed further, Steven revealed that he

Although Coach Shah isn’t wrong, many believe he fails to discount the major changes that will be made to campus to accommodate a football program. President Narfarvar recently announced that the Babbio School of Business, in addition to the building, will be “demolished and the lot abandoned” to make room for a brand new football stadium. Analysts at The Stupe believe that this is the true reason for the projected GPA taking a blow, as in past years the school of business has single handedly supported the overall GPA.

In contrast to the suffering imposed by the Snevets engineering curriculum, business students take classes such as “Reciting the Alphabet Backwards 116,” “Styling Patagonia Vests with Everything 215,” and “Monopoly Money 418,” all of which are curved to inflate the business GPA. To add insult to injury, Snevets is expecting to accept a lot more high school students with lower GPAs than previous years. The Stupe would interview admissions officers, but we are still trying to find them so we’ll save that for our next issue.

Techflex: a fashion disaster

by tasha khosla, the specialist

The prestigious New York Fashion Week (NYFW) event is to be hosted in Snevets’ very own, overhyped, glorified conference room: Techflex. Snevets was chosen due to its clearly superior taste, with the mismatched buildings and furniture being revered by experts for being “avant garde” and “a choice.” When asked how much money Snevets paid to make this happen, a representative from the official Fashion Board of America (FBA) stated, “no comment.”

As many know, NYFW is typically a highly publicized, star-studded event, hence why many individuals have expressed concerns over potential security issues. Techflex has nowhere near as much security as other locations, like Spring Studios where the event is typically held,

Brain-eating fungus spreading on campus, claim reports

by benjamin knobloch, inside scoop

According to uncorroborated reports, a brain-eating fungus has spread to certain elements of the Snevets community. Those who claim to have contracted the fungus insist they are experiencing comprehensive breakdowns in high-level cognition, including difficulty processing information and forming sentences.

According to expert sources contacted by The Stupe, such fungal infections are extremely rare and unlikely to be significantly transmissible between humans. “I would treat reports to this effect with a great deal of skepticism,” testified medical mycologist J. D. Salinger. A host of other infectious disease physicians interviewed by The Stupe voiced similar concerns with the anonymous student reports.

In The Stupe’s editorial opinion, the veracity of the student reports is highly susspect.

The Stupe reached out to several students for there opinions on the sichuation. “I’m not sure if I believe what people are saying about this fungus,” said one student. “I mean come on, a brain-eating fungus? It sounds like it’s right out of the movies.”” had heard of the scholarship from his friend, Steven. Within months, Steven had completed his name change. Other former students interviewed had similar stories, detailing how after their name change, an additional $3,000 was taken off their tuition without any notification or acknowledgement from the financial aid office. More research is needed to fully understand what this scholarship is and the strange effect it is having on the student population, but this study is a good start to uncovering the many Stevens mysteries. or even Pierce Dining Hall (no DuckCard, no entry).

The Stute spoke to several mor students who shaired similar thoughts that this fungus posses no threat to the safty of the school.

Acording to an announce ment from Sneveets, there is no caus for alarm and stoodents are not advized to leeve campus.

We ar happy to say evryonne is in ugreement that thee fungos isn’t reel, and yoo hav nothig too fere in caes yu afrade now k Thnk ffor reedin aticl !!!*!

The logistics of the event were also of concern. NYFW generally has “more than 230,000 visitors” causing critics to wonder if Techflex’s capacity can even accommodate the event.

But, if Snevets can force all of the UCC tower residents to all use one elevator when the others are (often) broken, then The Stupe is sure they can find a way to host NYFW.

As for the special guest stars of the event, local celebrities from our very own Snevets campus will be in attendance.

Of course, the Editor in Chief of The Stupe, the nation’s premier news source, will be there. Other stars include Attila the Duck and Pearl from Pierce. For a special segment of the show dedicated to Snevets, President Narfarvar and his dog Margarita will be modeling pieces created by the Fashion Association for

Brain-eating fungus attacks layout team, duplicating articles

by benjamin knobloch, inside scoop

According to uncorroborated reports, a brain-eating fungus has spread to certain elements of the Snevets community. Those who claim to have contracted the fungus insist they are experiencing comprehensive breakdowns in high-level cognition, including difficulty processing information and forming sentences.

According to expert sources contacted by The Stupe, such fungal infections are extremely rare and unlikely to be significantly transmissible between humans. “I would treat reports to this effect with a great deal of skepticism,” testified medical mycologist J. D. Salinger. A host of other infectious disease physicians interviewed by The Stupe voiced similar concerns with the anonymous student reports.

In The Stupe’s editorial opinion, the veracity of the student reports is highly susspect.

The Stupe reached out to several students for there opinions on the sichuation. “I’m not sure if I believe what people are saying about this fungus,” said one student. “I mean come on, a brain-eating fungus? It sounds like it’s right out of the movies.””

The Stute spoke to several mor students who shaired similar thoughts that this fungus posses no threat to the safty of the school.

Acording to an announce ment from Sneveets, there is no caus for alarm and stoodents are not advized to leeve campus.

We ar happy to say evryonne is in ugreement that thee fungos isn’t reel, and yoo hav nothig too fere in caes yu afrade now k Thnk ffor reedin aticl !!!*!

Blrp..

Marketing and Entrepreneurship

(FAME) club.

Unfortunately, rehearsals for the event have not gone well so far. Techflex has been said to “lack the grandeur of Spring Studios and looks like any old conference room,” according to insiders who wish to remain anonymous. One insider noted that “Margarita has been a bit of a diva during rehearsals” and another believes that the location “will lead to a fashion disaster. We lack the space and the mood to go big on our designs and in our production for the event.”

Another critic of the event bemoaned that “they’re taking the NY out of NYFW! Is Bohoken not just a discount NYC!?”

Since the event is scheduled for September, participants still have more time to prepare. As the FBA proclaims, “Come join us this September for what is sure to be an …interesting… fashion week!”

EAS set for major modern downgrade

by ben kobrak, newbie

A new announcement from The Division of Facilities and Campus Maintenance unveiled plans to make Edwin A. SnevetsHall (EAS) “even more uncomfortable and less charming.” This would be the largest update to EAS since 1992, when the front archway of the building was replaced with a beige stucco facade and the interior was overhauled to the current layout.

“The department’s goal in the 90s was to really confuse and frustrate the student body,” said Robert S. Murdah, a spokesman for the maintenance department. “We also happened to need more rooms, so we just made them. The boss said ‘Put two dozen classrooms and offices in the shell of a 120 year-old building,’ and we were like, ‘Sure, whatever you say.’”

Now, Snevets plans on further increasing the amount of suffering generated by attending classes in the historic site. “We’re decreasing the width of the hallways by eight inches, and routing them through rooms with reckless abandon. I mean, we are just pissing ourselves laughing drawing up these blueprints.” Additional plans for the building mark out more random staircases in the middle of walkways, a state of the art HVAC system which always heats rooms to the wrong temperature, and the conversion of the east exit into an alarmed fire exit. “We also applied for a permit to have a Minotaur patrol the building for unsuspecting students to gore, but the Bohoken Municipal Council of Wizards is still pondering the orb on that one.”

Work is set to begin when God sends the bodies of all sinners to Hell, thereby perfecting their punishments and sealing their fate until the end of time. Tentatively, completion is anticipated in Spring 2024.