Greek Life Narfarvar’s fraternity Round Robin

by quentin jimenez, lab rat

Just before spring break, the new Greek life director Kevin Grundle implemented a program called the “Presidential Round Robin.” His goal was to build a better relationship between himself, the Snevets administration, and the fraternities on campus. To accomplish this, he planned to take President Narfarvar with him and visit each of the campus fraternities to learn more about them and spend time with their brothers.

They began at Sigma Phi Epsilon, where the brothers sat in a circle and read picture books to each other, exchanging their feelings and discussing who they thought was the most balanced man. At this point, Narfarvar continued to the other fraternities on his own, as Kevin Grunder told him that “the most fun happens at a dry house,” and that he “wanted to spend more time helping the brothers study.”

Narfarvar walked up Hudson street to Chi Phi, where he was brought inside, blindfolded, given a pen the brothers called DiMiTri and told he would have a “mind blowing” experience. The brothers reported that he played super smash brothers and rambled about how we need to bring back the SS Snevets.

After experiencing ego death and witnessing the rebirth of the universe through the eyes of Waluigi, Narfarvar stumbled into Phi Sigma Kappa where the brothers were competing in a “case race.” A few of the brothers took him aside and showed him how to shotgun a beer, but Narfarvar ended up spilling most of it on his once nice suit.

Walking up twhe hill and down CPT, Narfarvar arrived at Kappa Sigma, but was more invested in the house than the brothers. In somewhat of a drunken stupor, Narfarvar was given a tour of the building, but was more focused on the Bohoken real estate investment opportunity than the activities of the brotherhood.

Narfarvar left before pulling out his pocketbook, but noted that there may soon be another Snevets owned Greek house.

Continuing down CPT, Narfarvar walked past Delta Tau Delta and ignored the other fraternities who he assumed only had Busch Lite to offer. He stopped in quickly at the Lodge to see if they really had the “Cleanest Bathrooms on CPT,” and then returned to the presidential estate to get a good night’s rest. He reports that his experience was “beyond his wildest dreams,” that he “will be doing this again,”

Snevets frats haven’t thrown parties in three years?!

by claire hannan, swammer

The BUDLITE-19 pandemic brought sweeping change to all areas of campus life. One of the longest standing restrictions still enforced is the ban on all official parties held by fraternities — meaning that the last official frat party was held over three years ago. While, from an outside per- spective, it might seem crazy to expect house music and beer fueled frat brothers to turn off the lights and dry up for three whole years, the Snevets frats have been surprisingly receptive to the regulation.

An onlooking student reported hearing members of administration talking about the rule’s success, quote: “I can’t believe that’s all it took.

All we had to do was ask them to stop… and they did.”

With the time freed up from party planning and alcohol organizing, many frats have returned to their community service roots. Brothers from Alpha Alpha have been spending their free time volunteering bringing meals to underserved communities. President Chad “the machine” Bradley used to be known for his 30 drink

Soar-El Center for Female Leadership launches new in-house laboratory

by ava wang, barely managing editor

The Soar-El Center for Female Leadership continues to make great strides in its mission to promote awareness and equal inclusion of women in co-curricular activities on Snevets campus. The living communities’ recent reinstatement of the in-house laboratory opens the opportunity for residents to build up confidence and explore new scientific methods without the restrictions of typical class lab hours, such as the over-the-shoulder monitoring and the distracting, authoritarian agenda of teaching assistants.

The 1996 dissolution of the Pi Sigma Ligma fraternity left behind the ‘good bones’ of their [alleged] methamphetamine laboratory, and dedicated resident Isabelle Pourie pounced on the opportunity to rehabilitate the basement of the beautiful Crusty Point brownstone back to its [alleged] former glory. Her continued hard work towards the promotion of women in traditionally male spaces constitutes a noble and dedicated shift towards gender equality in co-curricular activities on Snevets Campus.

Pourie stated, “I’m just happy to keep this little piece of local tradition alive with the addition of a feminine twist! Leaving the space to decay would have been such a waste.” tolerance but has now turned his energies to more productive outlets. “I realized that you have to go to your classes to pass them, no one tells you that.” Bradley said of his experience. After seven years at Snevets on academic probation, Bradley will be graduating with a degree in quantitative finance in the spring.

Residents of the Soar-El Center are highly encouraged to engage in their own independent projects at the living community’s in-house laboratory. Recent highlights include the synthesis of a food preservative capable of maintaining the famously crisp palate of 40-year-old root beer and a novel brain chip that allows the user to telepathically play Gagic the Mathering. A total win for both women in STEM and the preservation of Snevets history!

Members of Delta Delta, previously renowned for their and asked the fraternities to “make sure to add me to your guest lists.”

Thursday night ragers are now filling their time as the Snevets Mathletes team. Brother Chet Anderson said in an interview with the Stupe that “it was like I woke up from a 20 year coma three years ago. I don’t even remember enrolling at this school, but after the Everclear left my system, I became a math machine.”

Kevin Grundle provides unlimited funding for Greek Life Enrichment

by oz aguinaga , inside scoop

Kevin Grundle, Assistant Director of Fraternity and Sorority Life, announced last month that Greek organizations on campus will have unlimited funding for personal enrichment. This has come at a time when Greek organizations are in danger of going extinct due to extreme debauchery. Grundle said, “We are aware that many Greek organizations want to keep Boolin’ frfr so I dm’d Narfarvar like high-key u gotta stop fam and he was like word.” One brother, Nick Shalong Dooshiback from Alpha Apple Pi said this about the initiative: “bruh.” Bruh indeed. There are reports that the sorority Theta Beta O’ Mega created an exotic petting zoo consisting of teacup animals. However, they found out teacup pigs are really just baby pigs, so they are currently in possession of 11 massive hogs. However, some personal enrichment programs have been more successful. Take Chi Nu’s personal monkey chauffeurs. Each brother has a personal monkey chauffeur to drive them around in a scooter and serve them beer. A representative said it has saved them a total of -6.9420% of time in a day. Another fraternity, which will remain unnamed, Sigma Moo, has used their funding to purchase a whole lotta gang sh*t, ranging from delicate legal herbs, Silicon Valley Bank, Saudi Oil, and the Minions media rights. Their net worth is currently greater than ya motha’s. No cap. All in all, this seems to have ensured that frats will have enough funding and continue to exist for at least another semester.