little gems
Understand
their language “I’m really worried about my eight-year old daughter”, a concerned mother once lamented. “She persists in lying despite all we’ve done to discourage her from this bad habit of hers”, she added. The irony of it all is that, the more Mrs. A, Cynthia’s mother tried to threaten this child with severe punishments, the more the little girl lied. Cynthia seemed to derive much pleasure in lying. Obviously, Mrs. A did not understand her daughter’s language.
Language, as we all know, is basically used for communication. Beyond its description as a system used by nations or groups, people use all forms of means to communicate to others, their feelings, ideas or knowledge. Communication, however, can either be verbal or non-verbal; behavioural or attitudinal. It is therefore important that parents understand the peculiar language use of their child/children. From my conversation with Mrs. A, I discovered a number of things. Prior to this, Mrs. A assured me that her daughter is very bright and generally well behaved. However, when asked how much time she devoted to the child, she admitted that due to their work load, she and her husband often got home late from work. By that time, their little girl would have gone to bed. 48
“Though we tried to spend most of our weekends with her”, she added, “It didn’t seem to work” My first discovery, however, is that whenever Cynthia behaved well, her parents rarely commended her. Almost everytime she misbehaved, they complained, scolded and punished her. It may interest you to know that Cynthia preferred the latter to the former. In other words, she would rather lie and get her parents’ attention than to be well behaved, and be ignored. To her, a punishment
Attention, affection, and acceptance are children’s basic needs. If a child doesn’t get all these expressions of love from the parents, he/she may start feeling rejected and abandoned. was the little price she had to pay to get her parents’ attention. Lying, in this case, was one of her means of communicating to her parents that she needed some attention. Wasn’t that clever of her? Well, that’s subjective. More importantly, it is unfortunate that little Cynthia channelled her intelligence in the wrong direction. While it is true that some children need to be scolded and punished for their vices, parents need to be more
by Wunmi Agunbiade sensitive in their dealings with their children. They need to know that children operate in a frequency that is slightly different from that of adults. They are wise though, but they need to be carefully groomed in the right path, or else, they will creatively craft results from anything at their disposal. Lying, for some children, is a form of attitudinal or behavioural language. The task of correcting that mindset in that child now lies in your hands. Since that child was so thoughtful to have found a solution to his or her problem(s), prove yourself as an adult by proffering a positive solution to the problem. Praying to God about it, and communicating with the child often could be helpful but don’t stop there; the same method can’t work for every child. Attention, affection, and acceptance are children’s basic needs. If a child doesn’t get all these expressions of love from the parents, he/she may start feeling rejected and abandoned. Consequently, he/she may begin to seek undue approval from anyone around; get jealous of other children, and do all sorts of unimaginable things. Many parents, whether they perform their responsibilities or not, still expect these children to be well behaved. By so doing, you are creating fear in the child, who may resolve to lying – a pretentious way of pleasing you. The way you handle your children, therefore, is very crucial. Nagging is another language children speak. When nagging and whining becomes a child’s habit, then you have to be more attentive and sensitive to that child’s needs. There may be an underlying meaning behind that act. In this case, anger and punishments may not work. Sometimes, all you need to do is to calm the child’s temperament gemwoman | November/December 2007
