6 minute read
Affectionately yours
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Early on in our marriage, my husband was my companion, helper, and friend. We did everything together, he helped me with the housework and kids without being asked, he remembered my birthday and our anniversary and always had a card and gift available and really made me feel loved. He was my friend, companion, lover and brother. Now I feel like he is my boss, slave driver and cell mate. Where did the man I married go to? I find myself asking’
Some couples have had to make only minimal adjustments and concessions while others have encountered monumental conflicts as they see their mates change …or not change. I know we have different expectations when it comes to change, but I must say after marriage some have changed in some ways their spouse’s didn’t expect or haven’t changed in some ways their spouse’s expected. Some marriage relationships have been altered incredibly because of a job, emotional stress and the demands of parenthood. Let me also add that diverse social, educational background, cultural and personality differences also take their toll on our relationships. All these factors are normally not considered when going into marriage and as such a lot of spouses begin to complain after a few years saying this was not what I bargained for.
A friend of mine actually believed her husband would continue to sing to her after they got married as he used to sing to her while courting. She was very hurt when she found out this was not to happen in marriage. Many of us have to admit to some unrealistic expectations of what marriage will be like.
‘We would settle all quarrels before the sun goes down’ ‘We will never quarrel because we are both Christians’ ‘He’ll always help out in the kitchen when I am tired’.
‘He should prefer to spend his evenings with me rather than his friends’ These and many more are some of our expectations that prove to be unrealistic. The list goes on……Am sure you’ll have a couple of yours to add to this list.
But then are they really unrealistic? Each marriage is peculiar and what might be the order of the day in one home might differ from the other.
Many couples now have several unaddressed issues in their marriage, subjects that are of great concern but perhaps, to date, they have not been discussed by spouses. As I listened to Joke a married woman of 8yrs, I wondered what else she had silently swallowed even though she didn’t like. For example, it took a few years before she could tell her out going/socializing
husband that she was not a fan of social events and “owambe”. Finally she had to say something about it and let him know that her idea of a thrill or romantic outing did not include spending Friday till Sunday evening attending one function or another. Thankfully, this time he took it well. Once he understood her reservations he made amends and began to have dinner & cinema dates with her instead.
In their case, we can clearly see the reward of communication. As I wondered why Joke had waited so long before addressing her desire and her dashed expectation, I realised that couples remain silent for reasons that range from being afraid to talk to being convinced that if they did, their opinion would not be considered important nor their wishes valid so it wouldn’t do any good. In order for our marriages to be a success, couples need to work at it together. A friend once said, “But it’s hard to feel like a teammate when there are times he treats me or makes me feel more like a cell mate. When I ask a question, he often makes me feel dumb. He seats down and watches TV, sports to be precise, and never asks if I need help with our kids and never offers. To make matters worse, when he jokes about my being a homemaker, he says it’s not a “real” job.”
All I need is for him to tell me that he loves me and compliment me at the job I do as a mother and wife. I know this will make me want to do more. I regularly thank him for providing for me and the children and tell him how glad I am to have him in my life but he chooses not to reciprocate. In my marriage, compliments and affirmations have become another unrealistic expectation. It seems my once romantic husband now considers the show of love as a sign of weakness, childishness or immaturity.”
Ada’s Concern
“I understand his stress load at work so I make sure he has some relaxing time in the evening. But shouldn’t he understand I need more than a husband who pays the bills. Shouldn’t he show interest in family affairs, know the children and understand them. When I try to brooch the subject he says what more do you want I pay the children’s school fees, pay the rent …………….We all want and need love. But I am made to believe I am expecting too much considering the fact that he meets his financial responsibilities Can I not have it all?. Please tell me, is this an unrealistic expectation?” Ada asked me in bewilderment. I am sure the admissions of these women ring a bell of familiarity in your heart.
These couples are just not communicating and getting their message across.
So much more can be accomplished if the two assist each other. A key remedy for making our expectations
in marriage a reality is good communication. Whenever you find a couple that know and understand each other. It is because they communicate a lot in their relationship.
Statistics show that many marriages have failed because of poor communication.
Good communication in any marriage, brings about peace, rest and joy. Through effective communication, you will soon realise that there are some things that are just not important enough to make a big deal of.
Means of Communication
There are two major ways you can pass on a message, share ideas, knowledge, feelings or emotions with your spouse.
The first means is through verbal communication which includes discussion, argument, debate, rebuke, protest, appeal, command and so on.
While the second means is nonverbal communication through the use of signs or signals such as facial expressions and body language. Communication goes beyond words. Everything a couple does in the presence of one another communicates.
Dos And Don’ts For Effective/ Successful Communication In Marriage
If you are to be free to confide and express yourself with each other, there are certain things you must take into consideration.
1. Choice of Time
We must learn to watch the mood of our partner before we bring up issues. If his mood is not favorable, don’t push it, be patient and postpone the discussion to a more appropriate time. Many
of us women ere in this regard, we just want to say it as it is and pour our heart out there and then. And many times we pay dearly making matters worse and ending up with more hurt.
Early in the morning, when you should be getting ready for work or the use of phone calls and text messages during working hours is not an ideal time or manner to discuss serious issues. At such times, your spouse is not likely to be patient or attentive enough to hear you so discussions can easily be misunderstood.
Whenever you want to discuss your partner’s short-coming, pray first because the truth they say is bitter and most people don’t like to be corrected.
2. Choice of Words Col. 4 :6 ;
Eph. 4 :29
Saying the right thing the wrong way is
