Turning your ‘curse into a cause’

Life as a challenged parent of a challenged child

by Omokorede Adewale Fasoro

‘I am sorry, Mrs Fasoro, we cannot take him in again this term. His presence in the school...’,‘Why does he sound so different?’, ‘Why does he not act like children his age?’, ‘Aunty, why is Daniel not talking to me and not playing with me...?’

The list could go on and on. These were some of the statements and questions I had heard a number of times from different people( both young and old), since I embarked on this interesting journey, as a challenged parent of a challenged child.

A special-needs child is one that has a challenge in certain developmental areas of his physical or psychological make up. It could be a physical or a mental challenge, or sometimes, both! Examples of these are Cerebral Palsy, Down syndrome, Autism, ADHD, mental retardation, physical blindness,deafness, speech delay and so on. As a result, the child’s growth and development is hampered. So most times, he/ she needs special attention and care to be able to get by like his peers in simple everyday activities. Each of the conditions mentioned above has its own unique characteristics, depending on its level of seriousness.

For me, the journey started about seven years ago, thirty weeks after my son’s birth. As a matter of fact, the doctor had secretly told my husband that considering the complications involved, Daniel had just 50% chances of surviving. However, I thank God that after about two weeks battle for his survival, he made it through.

As we were being discharged from the hospital, I heaved a sigh of relief, thanking God it was all over, not realising that we (my husband and I) had just enrolled in the ‘school of life’; as parents of a very special child. As the days, months and years unfolded, we realised we had a very special young man in our hands to care for. Every thing about him became a prayer point and faith project. Issues about my older children which I had always taken for granted and never even bothered to pray to God about, let alone to thank Him for, soon became more significant.

Some of these issues are his being able to sit at the right time, crawl, stand, walk, call me ‘mummy’, become potty trained, brush his teeth himself, and so on. I then realised how ungrateful I had been to God concerning my older children. Previously, I had assumed that everything concerning any child would take its normal course.

The good news however, is that the Lord has always proved Himself faithful. Re-calling the events of the past years, my conclusion is that though we’re still preparing for where we believe God is taking Daniel, we know that we’re not where we used to be; we’ve moved forward.

You might read the last statement and wonder what woman of great faith, power and might I must be. I must confess that this is not exactly true. Over the years, I have had to cry, get worried, grumble, complain and question God over and over again on why my child’s situation was that bad. Sometimes, I felt ‘cheated’ by nature, especially when I saw him with other children his age. Then, I admired their parents because they did not seem to have anything to struggle over with their kids. Despite all these past thoughts of mine,God had

always graciously taken me through different stages, and had always had one lesson or another to teach me at each stage. May I share some of these experiences with you?

Confused Stage: This was the period that I could not really understand what was going on with my son, especially when I began to hear some remarks from some medical personnels.One of such remarks was that there was something not quite right with him. I had to dispell quickly from my heart, some of these remarks.

“I mean, how can I, a born again, Spirit filled, tongue blasting, satan chasing child of God, ever have such a child?”, “How could anyone ever suggest that to me?” I was very much involved in the Prayer minstry of my church when I became pregnant with him! Besides, I was even on a special assingment outside Lagos from my local assembly when those contractions started. “Surely,God cannot let this be my testimony after all I have faithfully done for Him!”, “Doesn’t God’s Word state that ‘The blessings of the Lord makes one rich, and He adds no sorrow to it?’” (Prov.10:22). My child, I knew, was a blessing,“... so why should this blessing have the ‘sorrowful’ addition of a special need? Why, why, why?” For me, it was indeed a trying period.

Denial Stage: I remember on two occasions when I had taken my son to see two different doctors, one for a routine check up, and the other on a speech issue. They had each pointed out the concerns they had over him, and what they suspected was his challenge. The moment I heard that, I, immediately rejected it, “...not my portion in Jesus name!”, “... these doctors are so negative in their confessions.

I am a child of God, and so there can be nothing wrong with my son!” You can be sure that I never retured to those clinics. My dear mother also used to make some comments, based on her observations of Daniel’s behaviourial and developmental patterns.

Any time she came on a visit, she would point out one thing or another she noticed about him. Then, my reply was always “...there is nothing wrong with my son. He is just a little slow! Why am I surrounded with faithless people who are so full of negative confessions? ”

Blame Game Stage: As I gradually got off the denial phase, and began to face reality, I moved to the blame game stage. “Maybe if I had been a little more careful while pregnant with him, this wouldn’t have happened?”, “perhaps I shouldn’t have gone for too many church programmes; I shouldn’t have eaten this and that ; I should have eaten this instead”, “ I wonder where he got it from - my side of the family, or my husband’s?”, “Is someone diabolic responsible for this?”, “Is this satan’s way of getting back at me, because of my involvement in the Prayer ministry?”, “Maybe I should have been more causious with spiritual matters when

I was pregnant” The questions were endless. Later on, by God’s grace, I realised that the solution was not for me to look for who or what to blame, but to accept the challenge, look to God for help, and trust Him to bring something good out of it. Has He not said in His Word that “...All things work together for good to those who love Him and have been called according to His purpose...?’’(Romans 8:28)

Acceptance Stage: The next challenge was for me to begin to learn to accept my son, no matter what. I needed to see him beyond his present condition. I needed to stop focusing on what he could not do or was not doing, but to focus more on what he was able to do or making attempts to do. I needed to deal with my attitude,as John Maxwell says , “Your attitude will determine your altitude” I needed to deal with the silent and passive form of rejection in my heart. I loved him, quite all right, but deep down in my heart, there were some struggles - wishing the challenge would just disappear, or wishing he would be like other children his age, and then I would not have to deal with it. Rejection is a toxic vice. As a parent of a special needs child, I needed to prayerfully guard against it because it has the tendency of making one to abandon the child for the ‘normal’ children in

the house. The excuse would be, “... that my labour over them be not in vain”. I began to see my son and his challenges as blessings from God, and not as a curse, as opposed to my initial feelings. The moment my mindset changed for better, the burdens and worries in my heart concerning him

Every thing about him became a faith project and prayer point. Things I had always taken for granted and had never even bothered to pray to God about (talk less of thanking Him for) with my older children, became more significant.