affectionately yours
Unrealistic Expectations by Bimpe Bamgbose-Martins
“No one gets married with the expectation of being bossed around and uncared for by the very one who made forever promises to love, cherish and honor you, at least I didn’t.”
Photo by Dan Shirley
Early on in our marriage, my husband was my companion, helper, and friend. We did everything together, he helped me with the housework and kids without being asked, he remembered my birthday and our anniversary and always had a card and gift available and really made me feel loved. He was my friend, companion, lover and brother. Now I feel like he is my boss, slave driver and cell mate. Where did the man I married go to? I find myself asking’ Some couples have had to make
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only minimal adjustments and concessions while others have encountered monumental conflicts as they see their mates change …or not change. I know we have different expectations when it comes to change, but I must say after marriage some have changed in some ways their spouse’s didn’t expect or haven’t changed in some ways their spouse’s expected. Some marriage relationships have been altered incredibly because of a job, emotional stress and the demands of parenthood. Let me also add that di-
verse social, educational background, cultural and personality differences also take their toll on our relationships. All these factors are normally not considered when going into marriage and as such a lot of spouses begin to complain after a few years saying this was not what I bargained for. A friend of mine actually believed her husband would continue to sing to her after they got married as he used to sing to her while courting. She was very hurt when she found out this was not to happen in marriage. Many of us have to admit to some unrealistic expectations of what marriage will be like. ‘We would settle all quarrels before the sun goes down’ ‘We will never quarrel because we are both Christians’ ‘He’ll always help out in the kitchen when I am tired’. ‘He should prefer to spend his evenings with me rather than his friends’ These and many more are some of our expectations that prove to be unrealistic. The list goes on……Am sure you’ll have a couple of yours to add to this list. But then are they really unrealistic? Each marriage is peculiar and what might be the order of the day in one home might differ from the other. Many couples now have several unaddressed issues in their marriage, subjects that are of great concern but perhaps, to date, they have not been discussed by spouses. As I listened to Joke a married woman of 8yrs, I wondered what else she had silently swallowed even though she didn’t like. For example, it took a few years before she could tell her out going/socializing gemwoman | November/December 2007
