Travisty #107 - Valentine's Special

“What is Love?”

Oh baby, don’t hurt me

Don’t hurt me

No more!

O’ Valentine’s: that one day of the year which causes so many birthdays in late November. If this is you, then your “special day” is about as basic as it comes. You are the product of consumerist marketing shrouding the true saint’s message. But hey, don’t let the fact you are the spawn of 25 Quid’s worth of bubbly, chocolates and roses get you down; you still have one up on Newton after all. Just don’t make the same mistake if it’s Valentine’s day wear a condom! (N.B. this is good advice in general.)

Well have fun for those who are in:

• A relationship that has been going strong since freshers (I swear there’s at least one per year group).

• A long-distance partnership that has somehow weathered the storm that is uni; I salute you.

• A “thing” that’s only a week old that you started just so you aren’t alone on the 14th. (Run! They only want your Trin May Ball ticket!)

I shall see the rest of you in the library until midnight. I’ll be giving out free high-fives. Remember! Love is temporary: Moodle is forever!

Food -

The Billboard -

Horoscopes -

~ Your Editors ~

Misha “McLovin” Medvedev ”Forgot” to get a girlfriend this year.

Continues his John Lennon arc by refusing to leave his bed this week.

~ Your Sweetheart Writers ~

‘London Gatwick’ Turned down London Luton’s date request.

‘Dundee Terminus’ Their true form is vague and amorphous, but for the sake of you mere mortals they’ve chosen to appear as an uncanny plastic doll. Don’t listen when they whisper

Luke Barratt Wants you to see this:

~Lots of luv, Misha XOX

Agnijo Banerjee Has successfully tested the first quantum puzzle; both solved and unsolved until the wavefunction is collapsed.

Raymond “Solo” Ramm

- Cover Photo -

“The big FaT god of desire spreading his boatie love!”

Taken by Misha Medvedev feat. Luke Barratt - Trinity Boathouse

This Week’s Headlines

Proven to be more factual than The Tab

Trinity Masterplan to Include Self-Driving Porters

In a masterful move of technological innovation, the Fellows and Master have announced Trinity’s intention to transition to solely electrical, self-driving Porters by the year 2050. An anonymous Porter commented on this development to Travisty last weak: “It’s a good opportunity for us to take a step above the other Colleges, but what if the replacements go Bladerunner on us?” Philip K Dick was reached for comment, but declined to answer.

New Survey Suggests 67% of Trinity Students Self-Identify as Subs/Switches

Many of you among our readership may be wondering why so little sex happens at Trinity. Well, according to a recent poll conducted within the College, it’s because most of us are eagerly waiting for someone to come along to choke us out. “Trinity students just aren’t willing to do the stepping, only willing to get stepped on,” commented the College Nurse last week. “I guess we’ll have to see whether this changes any time in the future.” Indeed, Trinity is second only to Christs in this category: a similar survey saw that college rack up an impressive 97%.

Trinity Marijuana Supply Dwindles Amidst Cost of Living Crisis

St Johns May Ball Still Worse Than Trinity’s, Sources Suggest

The St Johns May Ball, known best to Trinity students for providing a (mostly okay) fireworks display in the aftermath of our own May Week festivities, is still “objectively worse” than Trinity’s May Ball, and apparently this trend will continue well beyond 2023. “Last year, they just had the ugliest member of Rudimental plug in his iPod and stand in front of a crowd,” said our informant on the Committee. “I mean, we managed to book Weezer and a wax statue of Kurt Cobain from Madame Tussaud for Trinity’s Ball this year. What could Johns do to top that?”

Third Year students are in uproar as the cost of weed continues to skyrocket. Students in their final year are finding it increasingly difficult to cope with the exacting standard and challenges of the exams which will be responsible for the majority (if not the totality) of their BA Degree classification. Members of the Chemistry NatSci contingent are working on a synthetic cannabis analogue which is capable of growing in the lowsunlight conditions of the Trinity Library and student rooms, but progress on this innovation has been stalled by an increased number of Porterings. The Porters have seized most of the students’ supply for “investigation”.

Valentine’s Day Dates at Historic Low, Surpassing the 2021 COVID Deficit

Students are even less romantically successful this year than in 2021. The number of dateless Trinitarians has reached an alarming 99.9% rate this year, with only one member of College pulling off the impossible. “It’s not easy being this attractive,” said Hayden Ramm this week when asked about how he managed to find a date. “But the truth is, when you combine blinding confidence, a razorlike jaw and musical ability, pretty much everyone in Cambridge is game. I mean, what’s the alternative? Dating a Mathmo?”

If Trinity Alumni had Tinder

‘London’ shares a small portion of his Tinder matches from the last week

Isaac Newton (1643-1727).

295 years away.

Pros. Discovered gravity / ‘going down.’

Likes apples. Above average intelligence.

Cons. Fuck ugly.

Wears a wig.

Sexually inept. Dead.

Francis Bacon (1561-1626).

397 years away.

Pros.

Surprisingly fuckable. Loves to experiment. Single-handedly invented modern science.

Wrote all of Shakespeare’s plays (probably).

Sexually proficient (apparently).

Cons. Bearded. Dead.

Spencer Perceval (1762-1812).

211 years away.

Pros. Powerful. Cons.

The only reason anyone’s ever heard of me is because I’m the only prime minister to have been assassinated. Balding. Pathetic. Weedy. Unfuckable. Dead.

Kwasi Kwarteng, 47. 50 miles away.

Pros. Right Honourable. MP.

Former chancellor of the Exchequer. Writes Latin poetry. Multilingual. Fuckable. Cons. Brexiteer. Best friends with Liz Truss. Economically illiterate. Out of a job in May 2024. No employment prospects thereafter.

King Charles III, 74.

461 miles away (currently at Balmoral; subject to change).

Pros. King. Powerful. Uxorious.

Climate-conscious.

Largest and oldest real estate portfolio in the U.K.

Owns all unclaimed open-water swans in Britain.

Cons.

Massive daddy issues. Probable wife-killer.

Looks like an older Christopher Ecclestone.

Travels by private jet. Deadbeat son called Harry. Enoch Powell (1912-1998). 25 years away.

Pros.

None.

Cons.

Fascist. Racist.

Feature Articles

Justin Welby, 67. 103 miles away.

Pros. Archbishop of Canterbury. Spiritual.

Campaigns for good causes. Cons.

Looks like an escaped lab rat. Wears glasses.

Still hasn’t come round to supporting same-sex marriage.

Lord Byron (1788-1824).

299 years away.

Pros. Young. Has a way with words. Extensive pubic hair collection. Bear charmer.

The most fuckable person on this list.

Cons. Probably won’t stay loyal. Will try to hump anything that moves.

£0.00 - All it costs is your dignity

Ludwig Wittgenstein (18891951).

72 years away.

Pros.

One of the greatest philosophers of all time.

Cons. Almost impossible to understand. Very intense.

Eyes the size of golf balls. Severe anger management issues.

Would definitely end up ditching you for his sister.

Pros of Dating a Rower

Luke has fucked every rower in Cambridge so you don’t have to

. If they’re in FaT M1, you know they’ll never come first.

· They will never cheat on you: between rowing, eating, sleeping and rowing, they will barely have time to see you let alone convince anyone else to fuck them.

· Those damn thighs.

· If they’re in FaT M1, they love to spoon.

· You won’t wake up to their snoring at 6am.

· That damn ass.

· If they’re in FaT M1, they’re experienced at going down.

· They Most can sustain many minutes of long, hard stroking.

· They take good care of their cox.

· If they’re in FaT M1, the only other woman who will touch them is Maggie (M2).

· Half the time they’re on a drinking ban so you can steal their wine at Formal Hall.

· For subs with a microphilia fetish, coxes are available.

Famous Trinity Alumni Kinks

Raymond releases this once considered lost document to the world

Trinity College is somewhat like the deep state- intangible, almost certainly fictious and filled with tall white men. So it’s no surprise that, during the renovations of the Master’s Lodge last year, contractors unearthed a small, subterranean vault filled with sensitive information about many of Trinity’s graduates from years past in an attempt to accumulate blackmail material were any of them to become famous. From Newton to Byron, the College has collected a veritable goldmine of information. One subsection of a recovered Codex, titled Kinka Omna, seems to have been co-authored by several Masters of College throughout the years. Here are its contents.

Isaac Newton- Fascination with “heavenly bodies.” Constantly rambles about a “universal law of attraction”- unwilling to drop the subject. Gravitates towards any student with more mass than him; we are led suspect Newton of being a twink for this reason. Left a lock of hair for the Trinity librarians; this has been placed within a glass cage as evidence of his debauchery for future generations to note.

Francis Bacon- Demands that all students refer to him as “Daddy Lord Chancellor” during intercourse, reasons unknown.

George Gordon (Lord) Byron- Seems to lack any inhibitions. Enjoys allowing his pet bear to spectate the vast majority of his encounters (excepting the several reported instances where the bear has become involved in said encounters).

Stanley Baldwin- Seems unnaturally focused on “appeasing” and pleasuring students of German origin. Derives enjoyment from the service of those with Germanic heritage.

Bertrand Russell- Surprisingly reluctant to take on any additional lovers, claiming that this current “group is closed with respect to addition”.

Aleister Crawley- Refuses to engage in coital relations without recitation of Satanic texts or other related esoterica. Former partners complain of having to wear the decapitated heads of deceased goats.

A A Milne- Shows psychologically deviant behaviours, including unusual attraction to several species of bear. Fixation with tigers.

Charles, Prince of Wales- Mommy issues.

Feature Articles

Trinity College Valentine’s Day Date Ideas

Raymond imparts his romantic wisdom to you in these dating plans

Given that our entire readership (at least according to current Travisty circulation statistics) are Trinity College members, we decided that it was our responsibility to help a demographic with a 90% virginity rate get some action this Valentine’s Day. That said, since most of your are unwilling to leave your staircase during the Lent term (the purgatory between a hopeful Michaelmas and a hellish Easter exam term), we understand that options are limited. So here are some top tips to make Valentine’s Day special without even leaving Trinity grounds. Good luck!

Number One: Sex in Great Court Fountain

Why wait until third year graduation to piss in the fountain? Capitalise on the warm(er) weather this month by frolicking stark naked with your partner inside of the Trinity fountain. Speaking from experience, the sides of the fountain are high enough to provide cover for even the most enthusiastic romantics who venture here during broad daylight in order to get on with procreating. A must-do for any who haven’t done so already.

Number Two: Flagellation in the Secret S&M Room Behind Porter’s Lodge

Those of you who have been Dean-ed, smoked cigarettes in your room or been caught climbing the roofs at night will have already experienced a mandatory journey to this clandestine dungeon behind the Porter’s desk at Great Gate. Of course, why let memories of the room be dogged down by disciplinary action? Finish off the night by taking your date to Trinity’s very own, exclusive BDSM chamber.

Number Three: Canoodling in the Library Bookstacks

No one at Trinity actually takes out any books from the library by this point in term. Indeed, the large, multitonne stack of applied mathematics textbooks that you reserved in Michaelmas term may seem a futile investment to have made. Capitalise on this absence of foot traffic during the Lent term. The smell of dust mites and damp paper can be oddly erotic. So I have heard.

Number Four: Angel Court Laundrette Fornication

This seemed like a good idea when I wrote it down, but to be honest, the Angel Court laundrette looks more like a set used for filming of The Exorcist, so should be used with moderate to extreme caution. On the bright side, you could nick a fellow student’s abandoned laundry powder and pour yourselves a makeshift, student-budgetfriendly bubble bath in the grotty brass bathtubs just upstairs in the main Angel Court accommodation blocks. That said, the omnipresent scent of bleached floors may not be the most conducive atmosphere for a romantic getaway.

Number Five: Chapel Antechamber Tryst (approved by God)

Why deal with the religious guilt that comes with explorations of human sexuality when you can get a free pass from God? We consulted the Theology Department for this article, and were able to confirm that sex, or any such unholy and base activity, is perfectly fine in the eyes of the Lord so long as done within fifty feet of the altar. Recitation of the Lord’s Prayer is encouraged but not strictly necessary.

Recommended by the Librarian:

Extract from Whewell’s Hornpipe of the Blankets by Queen Victoria

A raunchy Victorian novel

Now available in the Wren thanks to the excellent restoration work of ‘Dundee’

‘Twas late on a Michaelmas’ night that I had crept up the oaken stairs. Erstwhile, had I waited timidly at the door before I had knocked and, on hearing his gruff reply, entered. He had been undoing his raiment for bed but, alas, I required my candle relighting by his, for mine had been extinguished by a frigid gust upon the steps.

Tonight was bath night - no showers dwelled on our staircase and I dared not venture into the swelling dark. I felt my intrusion was not unwelcome (I knew him well for his pully hawlies and, on numerous occasions, I had received a green gown by the riverside from the very same gentleman) but I sensed a tension in the air. It wafted up from our skins and curdled with the spices from my pouncet-box. Verily there were still pages of examples that demanded his unsullied attention.

I was wearing a loose open combing-jacket atop my kirtle, emblazoned with the initials of another. Yet in the dark the yellow letters seemed to me almost invisible, as if they were but ghostly whispers inscribed by unseen hands. I could sense in his eyes that for him it had been a hard day’s work, being learned in the science of the world. Yet he was taking little rest.

I desired to comfort him, beseech him, enthral him with words and whimsies and cast my garters asunder. But I stayed silent. I yearned for him to speak; he was well versed with his tongue, having oft opened the convivial society with his mouth. His overtures were most divine. Forsooth, I felt my fingers twitching with inclination to begin basket-making in this very parlour, or perhaps even my own. And still the gloom yawned as a chasm betwixt us. With the trepidation of a rousing rower his oration commenced:

“If I thought thou wouldst hold the secret, I would tell thee what I have sometimes meditated upon. A subject which thou perhaps mightest also find most agreeable.” With such amorous musings spoken to the air, my bating cheeks at once flushed crimson and my heart wrought within my bosom. Now the task befell upon mine own lips to conjure up a fitting reply. “Could it be, perchance, that thy mind has lingered upon a certain feminal form, a wench of callipygian persuasion?”

Hereat, methinks my words had all but disarmed the lordling, for simply spaketh he, “Egad. Thou hast stolen mine heart and mine mind, great larcener, and taken all of mine soul hostage. Shall we now talk of congress?”

Book reviews for selfish, exiled royal family members— Spare

While shopping for my weekly supply of triple-ply organic toilet paper, I stumbled across a copy of exPrince Harry’s tell-too-much memoir, Spare. I know people say “don’t judge a book by its cover” but seeing that emotionless ginger face stare back at me beside stacks of Andrex somehow compelled me to take home a copy - before being violently sick in a public convenience. After having the hardback watch me perform unspeakable acts in my room for a little over a week, I decided I should finally get around to reading the damn thing. Nights of torment followed.

Has Harry heard of over-sharing? Does he have a filter for the murky effluent that streams from his mouth? Does he have an unnatural and insecure obsession with his genitalia? We certainly know the answer to one of those questions. Having consumed 400 pages of infantile rambling I can safely say that I have become more intimate with the ex-Prince’s man-hood than even my own. To be perfectly honest, we’re now on a first name basis.

Somehow, I feel Harry will not be remembered as one of the great auteurs. His literary work doesn’t quite hit the mark of Shakespeare, Dickens, or Brontë. While Tolkien is immortalised by “not all those who wander are lost”, I dread the day when I read a bronze plaque proclaiming “an older woman who liked macho horses treated me like a young stallion”.

To be fair to the lurid self-obsessive, his book is not without its cultural significance. His writing has done wonders for revitalising the use of the word todger. This can clearly be seen by the distinctly todger-shaped spike in internet searches. No doubt he will be made an honorary member of the Todger Appreciation Society as thanks for his invaluable service.

(Data Provided by Google Trends)

Harry reveals many shocking statements about his family, claiming that, despite its facade of crippling dysfunctionality, inside there’s no real family to be dysfunctional in the first place. Most of the pages appear to be defending his less informed choices - his Nazi costume wasn’t really highly insensitive, it was a misunderstood message - and, if in doubt, it’s best to blame it on the Queen.

If you’re a fan of stories about rich white men who are jealous of their older brothers, or romances set amongst Waitrose own-brand cucumbers, I can highly recommend this book to you. Like certain strains of cheese, the writing style (and contents) have a strong and acquired taste. However, if you have more palatable interests, or any ounce of self respect, it is best you steer well clear of this exposé into the heart of things that you couldn’t give less of a shit about.

A saying I’ve often heard is that a book is a gift you can open again and again, but after 416 wipes, my copy of Spare will finally run dry.

‘Dundee’ physically attacks this autobiography in this shocking review

The Masterplan is being used to distract us from what the college can do within the year

Misha risks assassination with this landmark harangue

The Masterplan: nothing embodies “eh we’ll do it later” quite like this fine piece of forward planning. Unfortunately, by forward, they mean two generations down the line; and just like the optimistic student drawing up a timetable, I doubt they will even be able to stick to that.

Now I must give credit where it is due; the college does at least consider that humanity has a future. Well aware that there will at least be 5 Mathmos here ad infinitum; and just as Ozymandias sinks into the sand, the college will need some updating and upkeep. Perhaps some of the ideas aren’t too outlandish, a New-Old Fields, doing something with the Brewhouse and so on. Sadly, lights for the avenue will probably have to wait until the 2546 Masterplan; it’s just a bit too radical of a move (even though Great Court had lamps in the 19th Century).

The issues begin once you realise:

a) their track record of completing these large projects.

b) many of the problems they want to address could be solved in a year or two.

What problems do we face? A lack of designated study spaces! Just poke your head inside the library on a Sunday and you’ll see sardines in a tin, all working on Wi-Fi that’s slower than telegram. It’s gotten so bad that people are working in the bar during karaoke: those poor lost souls! “Well just work in your room!” Sadly, most of us have the attention span of a goldfish; and, with minds such as these, working in one’s own room invites hour-long Wikipedia dives or a nine-day descent to Tartarus on any social media that is designed to occupy our two remaining brain cells.

Now if only we had a designated collaborationorientated coffee-brewing study space… it should be at this point anyone Matric. 2020 or prior will start frothing at the mouth. O’ Newton’s Cradle: you were taken from us too soon. We shall mourn your loss like the library of Alexandria. Taking the reopening of the Cradle as an impossibility (without some sort of fellow coup d’état), the college seems to think that waiting 23 years for a brewhouse conversion is an acceptable substitute.

Here’s an idea for you. How about converting a few rooms around the college into study spaces? Using the room in the rafters of Pearce Hostel as a template: a couple of tables put together, a sofa or two and throw in a kettle with some cheap tea/instant coffee (if people want fancier stuff swing by the bar). Allow students to book by an online system so people don’t fight over them. Boom problem solved! Sure, a brewhouse space would be nice, but the problem is now not just in 2046 (nice 3D renders of beautiful study spaces aren’t much consolidation for those of us living in the present).

The New-Old Fields idea is one that, I must concede, does need doing and requires significant planning. But do be warned that the thought of ploughing it down and rebuilding has been considered a “serious proposal” since prior to the millennium. Frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if Newton was testing his theory of gravitation by bicep-curling the very same weights we use today. If they actually do replace the gym, more power to them. In the meanwhile, students should just keep up their bi-weekly tetanus shots.

What is the big picture here? The college seems to be stacking its chips on Cambridge manifesting its destiny westward. And as astute as their observation is, I’m going to say they are too late to catch this wave. Westhub and Cavendish 3.0 are going to be finished in the next year. What can the college realistically do about this? Build Accommodation out there? Give Burrell’s a corner shop? The “Future” of a West Cam is already here (too much humanitarian despair) and we need to accept that we’re a central college that now has to commute.

Let’s be honest; improving Burrell’s won’t achieve much. It’s too far from Central Cam and too far from the West site for trips to not feel like a time investment in either direction. For this reason, it’ll never be mainstream: a no man’s land (albeit a quiet and peaceful one).

So, let’s stop messing about with these dead-end ideas and focus on what is actually a threat to the college.

With the quality of food and study spaces, students are already practically living in the West Hub. If they were open 24 hours, you’d never see a single STEM student again. Food is just as cheap out there without the added kitchen charge, and with the new St. John’s buttery

open, Trinity’s Hall is looking thoroughly outdone (not due to a lack of passion from the staff – go to a scholar’s dinner and see what they can do). We don’t just need a food feedback form but a complete overhaul of the system. Take West Hub as a model, because whatever they are doing is causing stampedes at opening time.

In conclusion, no, we do not need some major project that gets delayed and is over budget. Some of the ideas are nice, but if we really want to improve the college we need to start with the small yet impactful changes: Open up rooms as private group-study spaces. Overhaul the methods of the Hall to provide food in line with other serveries.

Improving the reliability of the WiFi.

Remove RAM card requirements from the last air driers.

And so on. We need to make staying in Trinity appealing, that’s worth more than any flashy project delivered in 23 25 30 years.

Dictators build fancy stuff to show off: Democracies (at least functioning ones) build to improve the lives of their inhabitants. So, let’s actually build Trinity’s future.

Puzzles & Games

Haisu

Draw an orthogonal path from S to G, passing through every cell in the grid exactly once. The grid is divided into several rooms. When your path passes over a cell with a number N, it must be the Nth time you have entered the room. Example puzzle to the right.

A Prize for the first correct answer sent to travistytrinity@gmail.com

Sudoku

Each 4x4 box, row and column contains the characters ABCDEF0123456789 exactly once.

Sudoku and Haisu masterminded by Agnijo. Caption Competition provided by Misha.

Caption Competition

Send your caption to: travistytrinity@gmail.com the funniest wins a prize!

Menu crafted by ‘Dundee Terminus’

The Billboard

Roses are red, Violets are blue, I have just passed a critical point in the bifurcation diagram of the logistic map, But so long it remains less than 3.56995, I will be stuck in periodic attraction for such a mu.

Horoscopes

Aries

Someone left the toilet seat up. No matter how much evidence you provide this witch hunt has found you guilty. Prepare to face your fate.

Taurus

The angle of Mars in the sky is a curse on you. You must listen to Taurus 1, II and 3 by Mike Oldfield soon or you will be turned into a Torus.

Gemini

Jupiter brings you blessing. Quick ask out your crush, there’s no way this can go wrong.

Cancer

Damn bro, hope they find a cure.

Leo

The motion of Mercury is highly unusual. It is precessing, which by all classical orbital theory it should not, at least not by this much. What does this mean for you? Well it means there's a scientific challenge for you to explain. I advise you take Part II Physics to continue your journey.

Virgo

With the eclipse approaching, it is a time of change for you. Try setting up a new timetable, you are 37% more likely to stick to it this time.

Libra

The lunar alignment is perfect for you give a saucy card of admiration to your dream partner. Just don’t overdo the “details” (unless your admiration is for a Scorpio, then go nuts).

Scorpio

You will receive two Valentine’s cards, each in different handwriting. If these admirers find out about one another, a duel shall take place in Great Court.

Sagittarius

You will placed in a situation of severe conflict. Perhaps that letter confessing your love in their pidge might bring more than you bargained for. You cannot back down now, the consequences would be just as great.

Capricorn

You will meet a lady in the meads, hair long, foot light, eyes wild. You shall set her on your pacing steed as she wears your garlands for her fragrant zone. She’ll find you roots of relish sweet, and honey wild and manna-dew. La Belle Dame sans Merci thee shall hath in thrall! Go back two spaces.

Aquarius

The transit of Saturn through Aquarius in the coming weeks suggest a fork ahead. You must choose: knight to c7 or bishop to f5.

Pisces

I know what you did; I know what you saw. You have 36 hours to leave 3 lbs of cod liver oil and a KitKat Chunky in my pidge or I will set the tofu-eating wokerati on you and you will be cancelled.

Misha used up his Dunlevie funding to visit a travelling mystic: here are her predictions