Famous Trinity Alumni Kinks

Raymond releases this once considered lost document to the world

Trinity College is somewhat like the deep state- intangible, almost certainly fictious and filled with tall white men. So it’s no surprise that, during the renovations of the Master’s Lodge last year, contractors unearthed a small, subterranean vault filled with sensitive information about many of Trinity’s graduates from years past in an attempt to accumulate blackmail material were any of them to become famous. From Newton to Byron, the College has collected a veritable goldmine of information. One subsection of a recovered Codex, titled Kinka Omna, seems to have been co-authored by several Masters of College throughout the years. Here are its contents.

Isaac Newton- Fascination with “heavenly bodies.” Constantly rambles about a “universal law of attraction”- unwilling to drop the subject. Gravitates towards any student with more mass than him; we are led suspect Newton of being a twink for this reason. Left a lock of hair for the Trinity librarians; this has been placed within a glass cage as evidence of his debauchery for future generations to note.

Francis Bacon- Demands that all students refer to him as “Daddy Lord Chancellor” during intercourse, reasons unknown.

George Gordon (Lord) Byron- Seems to lack any inhibitions. Enjoys allowing his pet bear to spectate the vast majority of his encounters (excepting the several reported instances where the bear has become involved in said encounters).

Stanley Baldwin- Seems unnaturally focused on “appeasing” and pleasuring students of German origin. Derives enjoyment from the service of those with Germanic heritage.

Bertrand Russell- Surprisingly reluctant to take on any additional lovers, claiming that this current “group is closed with respect to addition”.

Aleister Crawley- Refuses to engage in coital relations without recitation of Satanic texts or other related esoterica. Former partners complain of having to wear the decapitated heads of deceased goats.

A A Milne- Shows psychologically deviant behaviours, including unusual attraction to several species of bear. Fixation with tigers.

Charles, Prince of Wales- Mommy issues.