This Week’s Headlines

Proven to be more factual than The Tab

Trinity Masterplan to Include Self-Driving Porters

In a masterful move of technological innovation, the Fellows and Master have announced Trinity’s intention to transition to solely electrical, self-driving Porters by the year 2050. An anonymous Porter commented on this development to Travisty last weak: “It’s a good opportunity for us to take a step above the other Colleges, but what if the replacements go Bladerunner on us?” Philip K Dick was reached for comment, but declined to answer.

New Survey Suggests 67% of Trinity Students Self-Identify as Subs/Switches

Many of you among our readership may be wondering why so little sex happens at Trinity. Well, according to a recent poll conducted within the College, it’s because most of us are eagerly waiting for someone to come along to choke us out. “Trinity students just aren’t willing to do the stepping, only willing to get stepped on,” commented the College Nurse last week. “I guess we’ll have to see whether this changes any time in the future.” Indeed, Trinity is second only to Christs in this category: a similar survey saw that college rack up an impressive 97%.

Trinity Marijuana Supply Dwindles Amidst Cost of Living Crisis

St Johns May Ball Still Worse Than Trinity’s, Sources Suggest

The St Johns May Ball, known best to Trinity students for providing a (mostly okay) fireworks display in the aftermath of our own May Week festivities, is still “objectively worse” than Trinity’s May Ball, and apparently this trend will continue well beyond 2023. “Last year, they just had the ugliest member of Rudimental plug in his iPod and stand in front of a crowd,” said our informant on the Committee. “I mean, we managed to book Weezer and a wax statue of Kurt Cobain from Madame Tussaud for Trinity’s Ball this year. What could Johns do to top that?”

Third Year students are in uproar as the cost of weed continues to skyrocket. Students in their final year are finding it increasingly difficult to cope with the exacting standard and challenges of the exams which will be responsible for the majority (if not the totality) of their BA Degree classification. Members of the Chemistry NatSci contingent are working on a synthetic cannabis analogue which is capable of growing in the lowsunlight conditions of the Trinity Library and student rooms, but progress on this innovation has been stalled by an increased number of Porterings. The Porters have seized most of the students’ supply for “investigation”.

Valentine’s Day Dates at Historic Low, Surpassing the 2021 COVID Deficit

Students are even less romantically successful this year than in 2021. The number of dateless Trinitarians has reached an alarming 99.9% rate this year, with only one member of College pulling off the impossible. “It’s not easy being this attractive,” said Hayden Ramm this week when asked about how he managed to find a date. “But the truth is, when you combine blinding confidence, a razorlike jaw and musical ability, pretty much everyone in Cambridge is game. I mean, what’s the alternative? Dating a Mathmo?”