Features & Opinions
The Bougar Press April Fools Edition Page 3
Are British people real?
Confessions of a Greg Heffley hater
Brits are known for their affinity for tea time, love of invading countries & dentophobia… but do they even exist?
Completely valid reasons to HATE Greg Heffley and his book of lies. Honestly, sometimes I really feel Fregley for him, he’s the middle child in a As I’ve read his diaries super weird family, but at the same and analyzed his life piece by piece, time, I don’t give a crap. LOLZ. He I have come to the conclusion that just looks like his shirt is sweaty Greg Heffley is EVIL. We see life ALL THE TIME. Also, what is up through his eyes, but that sort of with his outfits? He wears literally makes it worse. He is the WORST the same thing everyday and it’s musty. Trust me, I went to school type of human being. He is a narcissistic, self- with him, I would know. Time and time again, centered, egotistical freak who’s only motive in life is to make we see the havoc that he wreaks, everyone as miserable as him. He is the countless lives he’s ruined an ungrateful little brat with a huge (including mine), and the fear he ego, he treats Rowley (my king) invokes in everyone he encounters. like garbage, AND he looks like Homie has NO skills, he will get he smells, just like the rest of his demolished once he grows up
“Mamas” Guerra I know, it’s shocking to think about. You might be thinking, “Well of course British people are real Mamas! I saw Queen Elizabeth II on the Snapchat Daily Mail the other day!” Oh is that so? So you’ve never actually met her? Hmm yeah that’s what I thought. In my research I’ve reached out to a couple of people who claim to be British, but alas, the British are not coming this time. I managed to get an interview from a self-proclaimed British person named Barton Upton Snodsbury. “I’m Bri’ish,” said Snodsbury. During my interview with Snodsbury I came to wonder if the accent was real. Do they talk in an American accent when no one is within earshot? If a British tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it even make a British sound?
Who planted the seed in our brains that these people are not ficticious? We unravel the lies in this very special article outlining the real truth. Graphic by: “Mamas” Guerra I worked up the Cougar did yous get that from?” After I finished crying Courage to ask Snodsbury if the British accent was actually a hoax. because Snodsbury yelled at me I “You must fink I’m schewpid went on Urban Dictionary to try to make sense of what Snodsbury innit?” responded Snodsbury, even said. Despite these setbacks, rather angrily. “Wot in the bollocks I continued on my quest to dig up the truth about British people. My second interviewee who wishes to remain anonymous, due to fear of the royal family kidnapping them, gave me the insider scoop. “Yes, the accent is fake,” said anonymous British. “After a long day of pretending to have a British accent I am exhausted. I was never quite sure as to why we had to keep up this appearance but I’m in too deep now. I’m actually Belgian. I’ve never even met a British person.” Well there you have it folks. Next time you meet a British Super helpful infographic by: “Mamas” Guerra person, no you didn’t.
The worst person to ever exist. Stinky, selfish and down-right gross. Infographic by: Fregley freaking family (with the exception which is literally the ONLY thing of Rodrick). OH and I heard he keeping me going. I have sent this pooped himself during church? document to the Boogar Press with Who does that?? In MIDDLE high hopes that everyone will see SCHOOL nonetheless. He obviously has just how much he’s affected me and “Small Man Syndrome”, a REAL others in the worst way possible. condition where a little man may Also I have proof that he is a butt feel the need to overcompensate. muncher. Fregley OUT.
The man, the myth, the legend One small step for Hunt, one giant leap of chaos Have you been in the presence of greatness? We then went on to “Mamas” Guerra ask him if he was authorized to Spencer Shay inform us of his possible prior On Jan. 12, he made his or even current experience in first public appearance. Going by Britain’s Secret Service. “Britain?? multiple names; such as Jameson How dare you bombard me with Norris, J. Norris and James C. these questions—I don’t even Norris, it’s become apparent that know what is most preposterous. this man is single-handedly the First of all, British people don’t international man of mystery of exist, it’s just a publicity stun— wait, cut that part out… that was this century. classified knowledge—why are Sure he plays the guitar you still typing this out, I—” and is an avid cat lover, but don’t After thoroughly allow this façade to deceive you. discussing the release of For all we know, Norris may be the this confidential information, the lead guitarist of an infamous rock Boogar Press has decided to not band, or better yet, a super fresh hold back in writing a follow up
Mr. Norris is soooo dapper. Just look at him! Photo by: Spencer Shay James Bond-esque resurrection. article regarding the leakage of We’re giving you an all such unbelievable knowledge as it exclusive interview from the man is of utmost importance for us to himself. When asked about his inform the people. middle initial, Norris responded, Unfortunately, the “It’s Norris. James Cool Norris.” Bougar Press was unable to receive Given the nature of his response, further answers from Norris as he we asked him some follow up lunged towards our interviewing questions. team following a rather terrifying “I’m not at liberty to say series of events. We are utterly whether I drive ridiculously fast shitting bricks that we are on foreign cars or not—but I can tell some kind of Norris watchlist now you this much, my besties address but not even that will stop us from withdrawing our article. me as Cool, just Cool,” he stated.
VHS Music teacher Paul Hunt unexpectedly submits letter of resignation. Socko On May 31 2021, Ventura Unified School District received Paul Hunt’s formal letter of resignation, requesting leave immediately. “I just don’t understand,” said freshman David Shostakovich, “I’ve only known him for a few months, he seemed to like his job. I guess looks can be deceiving.” At this time, VUSD has refused to release any information concerning Hunt’s reasons for resignation, but rumors have flowed around Ventura High School’s campus. Senior Base Cleferson, violin player, discussed some of the common theories addressing his sudden pardon, “Us music students believe that he has hated us for so long that he started to hate himself. It’s tragic, really.” Sophomore Frank Bachy also brought to light the non-music departments’ rumors, “I heard that Mr. Hunt finally quit so that his hair could grow back. It hasn’t always been like that, right?” Early Wednesday morning, Hunt’s first period music class Wind Ensemble Honors showed up to an invalid Zoom link. “We were pissed,” said junior Olivia Bernstein, “The man really makes us log on early to warm up our instruments just to get logged out? And then abandoned? Some teacher he is.” Due to the unexpected leave, Ventura High staff have issued an email to all parents and nearby schools that, due to their failure to hire a new music director, VHS Music Department will be permanently shut down. All
VUSD has refused to release any information concerning Hunt’s reasons for resignation, but rumors have made their way around Ventura High School. Photo by: Socko concerts have been canceled and music students will be enrolled into new electives immediately. Due to the sudden shift, VHS counselors were not able to make room in popular electives, so music students were all separated into different electives, such as Auto and Agriculture. VHS music student Desi Kontsemor commented, “So the school thinks that just because I play the french horn suddenly I know how to clean an exhaust pipe? Who’s gonna tell them?” Impacts of the eradication of the music department varied from little to very extreme. Music student Dimitri Aston said, “It’s fine, really. I was trying to come up with a way to tell Hunt that I hated him and his class, I guess everything works out!” In opposition to the positive views, senior Karen Smith suffered a crisis, “Going from a top honors class down to a general ed,
low-budget classroom? Not only has my GPA dropped from 4.6 to 4.1, but now I have to spend an hour of my day learning how to plant seeds in Agriculture. What college is gonna accept me now? Hunt ruined my life!” There will be an official protest outside of Hunt’s private residence in Beverly Hills, California next Tuesday, April 7 at dawn. “We will make him pay for this,” said senior Janet Keech, “Who’s gonna write my letter of recommendation now?” The protest is being organized by ex-Music Booster parent Anna Bortíones, and already has its own Go-Fund Me page with 20 thousand dollars raised. “We have rented party buses to arrive at VHS on Tuesday, there will be five. We wanted to show up to Hunt’s residence in style. We want to show him exactly what he’s missing out on. Anyone that supports Hunt during this time, keep your mouth shut.”
