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VHS Bournalism www.thebougarpress.org Please Recycle Ya Filthy Animal
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Volume LXXIII Edition IV
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“Don’t give the College Board your email.” -Mr. Worldwide
@thebougarpress April 1, 2021
“The Bachelor” star Matt James to be teaching classes at VHS Ventura High Even we would take the normally dreaded College and Careers again just to get a chance to talk to him. graduation Why is it flooded in here… the last Ms. Briggs rainfall was four months ago. It updates Spencer Shay reeks in here—like something died As it was announced May 31, Ventura High School will be expecting a new addition to our current staff and faculty. Bachelor contestant Matt James from Season 25 of ABC’s “The Bachelor” will be joining the Cougar fam after months of consideration. In an email put out by principal Carl Charlisle, parents and legal guardians were notified that America’s biggest hunk would be appointed to VHS for two potential spots. College and Careers and Marriage & Family Planning are two classes offered which are designed to guide VHS students to making good life decisions and encourage students to not make rash decisions in the bedroom. Long time librarian Zusanne Adimish appeared ecstatic at the news, “He’s just so dreamy… Oh sorry I sound so silly right now! I hope he asks me to chaperone the prom with him.” The email Charlisle sent read, “After the unfortunate events that have occurred with previous College and Careers
Don’t lose your cool! The Bachelor will be teaching College and Careers during the 2021-2022 school year. Photo by: Spencer Shay teachers and the continued need for an experienced individual to inform our students about sexual education, we knew our school needed someone capable and approachable. It was a no brainer to ask Mr. James to teach for our school considering he’s dependable and resembles the cucumber from Veggie Tales, giving him an admirable presence.” The locations being considered for James’ teaching career were the 50’s wing on campus and the highly sought after
portables. However after extreme consideration, the decision was made that James would teach in the portables. We were fortunate enough to be alongside James during his first impressions of the location designated. On the walk over to the portables, James mentioned, “Why does it feel as though I’m melting as we speak… this blacktop absorbs heat like some kind of magnet…” Upon entering his awaited classroom, James stated, “What—why is the ceiling so low.
in the vents—why are the ceiling tiles falling as I speak… Is that a pickle jar...why are there no actual pickles left… I—.” He continued, “Why did I sign the contract, this was such a mistake.” James’ first impressions of his soon-to-be classroom were those of discontent to say the least. A statement put out by Charlisle after deliberate attempts to get us to not publish James’ first impression read, “The classroom Matt James walked into was actually one reserved for a math teacher. We plan to have James teach in our extra special and considerably cleaner portable classroom.” When we asked James what he was most looking forward to he responded, “I can’t wait to receive countless posters around school from the fabulous ASB here at VHS for no apparent reason.” We can all count on ASB to give James a warm welcome and make his stay hospitable. The Bachelor star has said he hopes to spread one important message to students, stating, “I hope to teach kids why it’s always a bad idea to date 30 women at the same time.”
See tentative school schedule below.
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The only thing keeping Ventura High together The infamous Art Soup trash can tells all.
Redditors short Canvas stock in a shocking new development Who is Trenchcoatmaster and how has he won multiple battles against Wall Street? Rush Limbaugh Incarnate After Redditors, users of a popular social news platform, battled against major hedge fund Jaime and Sons, everyone was on pins and needles to predict their next move. The FBI turned over almost 100 chatrooms with the Redditors to try and see if the public had any information about the users and their next plan. Seeing that most of the Redditors were either in school or just out of school the motive was clear at least to the head investigators. “We know that most of the groups are younger and have a motive against school and any sort of structure that confines them,” said lead agent on the case Suzan Adamick. Their next target was Canvas and other school platforms like Google Classroom
and Schoology. The stock has been slowly declining over the past few days but this wasn’t anything to be alarmed about. This morning the stock plugged more than 100 points making the value of each stock less than a dollar. This set the DOW down by almost 30 points, losing almost a billion dollars for large investors and investment firms again. “This is unacceptable, they took 100 million dollars from me, that’s 1/100th of my weekly spending!” said the handsome debonair billionaire Jeff Bezos. As to what’s going to happen after this ensuing madness, we’re not sure. The FBI and CIA have launched probes into all chat rooms on Reddit that involve stocks and the handsome Jeff Bezos. The head of one one of the largest stock chat rooms,
VHS teacher Sebastien DeClerck mourns the falling Canvas by Instructure stock due to Redditors. Photo by: Rush Limbaugh Incarnate
Photo by: Spencer Shay Spencer Shay
Trenchcoatmaster took the stock market by storm. Trenchcoatmaster revealed in a phone call interview, “I won’t reveal my identity, if I do, I’ll be put on some NSA watchlist.” Photo by: Spencer Shay “Trenchcoatmaster,” was linked with a Ventura High School clique known as the Trenchcoat Mafia. More and more of the Trenchcoat Mafia has come out against Wall Street and late capitalist America. “The middle man has no way of building up wealth in America, we just live under the thumbs of our capitalist overlords,” said Trenchcoatmaster. Public opinion of the Trenchcoat Mafia has long been divided. Their political beliefs, ambitions, and how they act at school has always been a hot button topic with the students of VHS and other neighboring schools. “They’re cool, but I’ve heard some weird stuff about them” said senior Jocelyn Lee. More and more plans
have been exposed by the FBI trying to thwart the Trenchcoat Mafia and its leaders’ plans, but they keep coming up with new and innovative ways to outsmart the FBI while making sure they have the last laugh. “I’m not compelled to tell the public my plans for the next couple of months, it’s very volatile information that the Wallstreet of the FBI wouldn’t take kindly to,” said Trenchcoatmaster. Whatever the future holds in regards to these brave men fighting against the capitalist agenda and the many demons that plague it, they will always find a way to make sure all of the hudgefunds and the billionaires are afraid of them and the power they wield.
We’ve all seen the trash. Students who attended Ventura High School years prior to the COVID-19 pandemic have all seen the legendary landmark. I’m not talking about the statue of that random half naked dude with some planets over his head either. I’m talking about the innerworkings of VHS. The Art Soup trash can. In contrast to those mysterious monoliths that occasionally circulate and become the most talked about subject for a week or so, Art Soup is forever. That thing has seen rain, shine, fire, pandemic, Super Duper Kyle, angry swarms of seagulls, you name it. It’s hard to think of a time where this miraculous trashure of VHS didn’t exist. We asked Mr. Seagull, a now retired drone seagull, about his thoughts regarding this national gem, “Yes it gives so much character to Ventura High. It always made me so happy to see a half-opened cheese stick within the painted concrete walls. I, of course, never hesitated to eat the thing, plastic on it or not, but that’s a matter for another time.” But now that students aren’t able to roam aimlessly as they did in the past, the Art Soup is not receiving the praise and recognition it oh so deserves.
News
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VHS teachers arrested for embezzlement “Dance Moms” dictator enlisted to save the math department Over $1,000 worth of Science Fair money in order to fund Thai Food Feast. Jaroline Duggar In an effort to avoid controversy during a pending trial, teachers’ names will not be revealed. Back in Feb. 2020, many VHS science students signed up for the county science fair. This sign up included a permission slip and a $10 entry fee. Soon after the students registered, the science fair was called off due to the COVID-19 pandemic outbreak. However, when the fair was canceled, students did not receive a refund of any kind. This led junior Sleuthy Sherlock to look into where the hundreds of dollars worth of science fair registration money went. “I just was getting all my ducks in a row for the transition to online school, and I was wondering if I would get my science fair registration money back? I asked around to some fellow classmates if anyone else got their money back, and no one had. This raised some red flags and I
the staff of Lucky Thai. After a short conversation with the Lucky Thai staff, Sherlock recorded a conversation with the manager of Lucky Thai on tape on March 19. Sherlock has generously given access to this exclusive interview. “Well, a few days ago, there was a pretty interesting group who picked up some food. They came in giggling, whispering amongst themselves, ‘The kids won’t know what hit ‘em. They won’t notice if we use it,’ and things like that. They definitely bought some of the best and most expensive food on the menu too. They said they would be back again soon and that they had lots of money to spend,” said the Lucky Thai manager. Sherlock also was given the receipt from the order, which consisted of: seven boba teas, six pad see ew, four pad thai, one tom yung goong, three yellow curry, 10 fried rice and 20 sticky rice with mango. The order totaled $456.73.
This Instagram post was captioned, “Free from school! Happy quarantine! #sogladsciencefairiscanceled #treatyourself #ajobwelldone” and led junior Sleuthy Sherlock to dig deeper. Photo from: @ilovephysics began to investigate,” said Sherlock. While on social media, on March 17, Sherlock discovered a male VHS physics teacher had posted a photo of himself on Instagram, along with a male and female chemistry teacher eating loads of Thai food. The post was captioned, “Free from school! Happy quarantine! #sogladsciencefairiscanceled #treatyourself #ajobwelldone.” Sherlock thought the situation was peculiar, “So many science teachers, the ones who had science fair students, were all hanging out, eating so much food and the post was captioned in such a cryptic way, I couldn’t just let this go,” stated Sherlock. This led him to look closer. He noticed the boxes were labeled “Lucky Thai,” so he headed down towards the beach to interview
Sherlock decided that this was just too crazy, so he contacted the school, “I went to administration and was surprised to find out that they had actually had over $1000 of science fair registration money go missing. They decided to look into it just as a precautionary measure. Turns out it was the science teachers!” said Sherlock. The school decided to take the case to court. The verdict is set to be revealed in May. The teachers have since been put on paid leave. When asked for a comment, the teachers released a group statement, “We were just partying being let out of school and we were hungry. We thought no one would notice the money was gone. We just love Thai food so much! We take full responsibility and regret the decision fully.”
Bestie #1
Besties #2 & #3
Spencer Shay
Kevin Jonas Jaroline Duggar
Lifetime’s very own Abby Lee Miller has been called in to coach math teachers in scare tactics. Kevin Jonas
Ventura High School has been living with a dilemma: only 30% of students are proficient in math. Now, the question is, what is the reason? Well, whether it be because of bad teachers or unmotivated students, the board has become desperate and resorted to their final option. Meet Abby Lee Miller– the terrifying dance teacher from hell, known for her starring role in Lifetime’s reality series, “Dance Moms.” Miller’s signature specialty has been demoralizing young girls into crying and competitively comparing every last drop of themselves to their peers. The best part, however, is the fact that these girls ALWAYS win. No matter how illegal it may sound, whatever Miller is doing has worked, and it’s time for Ventura High to give it a try. Now, of course, there will not be reality TV cameras documenting the math classes (because that would be crazy), but Miller will indeed be spending the next five months grilling each and every math teacher on how to use fear and sadness to trigger a classroom of winners. Beware to all math teachers; you will leave each day either sobbing or excited to terrify students. Essentially, the meaner you are, the better your classroom stats will become. Not to mention, Miller has had her
Miller and her squad of math teachers are on the path to rise to the top, no matter what obstacles come in their way. Photo by: Kevin Jonas
share of time in prison, and an inside source tells us that she is planning on teaching some of the tactics she picked up there as well. If you are a student becoming nervous upon hearing this news, not to worry, everyone else is too! VHS sophomore Zaddie Miegler explained, “I am a raging “Dance Moms” stan. Ever since I was little, I have sat with my eyes glued to the TV as Abby Lee permanently scars young dancers. Now don’t get me wrong, I have been eager to meet Abby Lee for years, but I never expected to be put in the danger zone. As much as I would like my math grade to lift from a C to an A, I’m worried about the trauma both my math teacher and I will endure to get there.” When met earlier this
In addition to giving the math teachers useful tips, Miller also plans on teaching a variety of math classes next school year. Miller will take these classes head-on! Photo by: Kevin Jonas
Editorial Besties
week by a mob of paparazzi, Miller said in a Hollywood Fix clip, “I’m ready to make middleaged men cry. It’s time for me to level up. There is no reason for that school to be so bad at math. I almost feel bad for them! I am overjoyed to have been given the opportunity to completely turn their path around. I may be scary, but I get the job done. Check out my LinkedIn profile! I have no limits and I love money. Jail doesn’t scare me anymore, so bring on the challenge!” Some may be concerned about Miller’s past run-ins with the law. While yes, she did indeed spend over a year in jail for bankruptcy fraud, the imprisonment had nothing to do with the mental abuse she inflicted on young children. Not to fear, she got away with that! So, let’s leave the past in the past. An ex-con might just spice up our lives on campus! After hearing this, students and teachers might feel scared, anxious, or even eager to see what Miller has in store for their future. Could VHS even enter math competitions? A big fat trophy seems to be how Miller measures her success and the success of her students, so one could be in our future. It is not unlikely that within months, we will start seeing math teachers dressed in bedazzled tracksuits, extravagant nails, and cheesy hair clip-ins. Get ready VHS; Abby Lee is coming to town!
Bestie #4
Bestie #5
Besties #6 & #7
Trippie Reddmond
“Mamas” Guerra
Socko Ms. Briggs
Our Mission Statement The Bougar Press is a completely administration-run, private forum of Ventura High School and the surrounding community. As a publication, we strive to fairly remove all the toes of all our enemies and competitors. We encourage others to do the same, as support from our community only increases the quantity of toe removals. We can be contacted at thebougarpressvhs@gmail.com and will get back to you within 73 business days with a vague, single word answer.
The FBI Staff Big Bird Draco’s Lover Espaeregus Fregley Georgia Grubhub Guy
Rowley Rush Limbaugh Incarnate Lil Peepee Lil Poopoo Mothman Petra V. Cholula
Features & Opinions
The Bougar Press April Fools Edition Page 3
Are British people real?
Confessions of a Greg Heffley hater
Brits are known for their affinity for tea time, love of invading countries & dentophobia… but do they even exist?
Completely valid reasons to HATE Greg Heffley and his book of lies. Honestly, sometimes I really feel Fregley for him, he’s the middle child in a As I’ve read his diaries super weird family, but at the same and analyzed his life piece by piece, time, I don’t give a crap. LOLZ. He I have come to the conclusion that just looks like his shirt is sweaty Greg Heffley is EVIL. We see life ALL THE TIME. Also, what is up through his eyes, but that sort of with his outfits? He wears literally makes it worse. He is the WORST the same thing everyday and it’s musty. Trust me, I went to school type of human being. He is a narcissistic, self- with him, I would know. Time and time again, centered, egotistical freak who’s only motive in life is to make we see the havoc that he wreaks, everyone as miserable as him. He is the countless lives he’s ruined an ungrateful little brat with a huge (including mine), and the fear he ego, he treats Rowley (my king) invokes in everyone he encounters. like garbage, AND he looks like Homie has NO skills, he will get he smells, just like the rest of his demolished once he grows up
“Mamas” Guerra I know, it’s shocking to think about. You might be thinking, “Well of course British people are real Mamas! I saw Queen Elizabeth II on the Snapchat Daily Mail the other day!” Oh is that so? So you’ve never actually met her? Hmm yeah that’s what I thought. In my research I’ve reached out to a couple of people who claim to be British, but alas, the British are not coming this time. I managed to get an interview from a self-proclaimed British person named Barton Upton Snodsbury. “I’m Bri’ish,” said Snodsbury. During my interview with Snodsbury I came to wonder if the accent was real. Do they talk in an American accent when no one is within earshot? If a British tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it even make a British sound?
Who planted the seed in our brains that these people are not ficticious? We unravel the lies in this very special article outlining the real truth. Graphic by: “Mamas” Guerra I worked up the Cougar did yous get that from?” After I finished crying Courage to ask Snodsbury if the British accent was actually a hoax. because Snodsbury yelled at me I “You must fink I’m schewpid went on Urban Dictionary to try to make sense of what Snodsbury innit?” responded Snodsbury, even said. Despite these setbacks, rather angrily. “Wot in the bollocks I continued on my quest to dig up the truth about British people. My second interviewee who wishes to remain anonymous, due to fear of the royal family kidnapping them, gave me the insider scoop. “Yes, the accent is fake,” said anonymous British. “After a long day of pretending to have a British accent I am exhausted. I was never quite sure as to why we had to keep up this appearance but I’m in too deep now. I’m actually Belgian. I’ve never even met a British person.” Well there you have it folks. Next time you meet a British Super helpful infographic by: “Mamas” Guerra person, no you didn’t.
The worst person to ever exist. Stinky, selfish and down-right gross. Infographic by: Fregley freaking family (with the exception which is literally the ONLY thing of Rodrick). OH and I heard he keeping me going. I have sent this pooped himself during church? document to the Boogar Press with Who does that?? In MIDDLE high hopes that everyone will see SCHOOL nonetheless. He obviously has just how much he’s affected me and “Small Man Syndrome”, a REAL others in the worst way possible. condition where a little man may Also I have proof that he is a butt feel the need to overcompensate. muncher. Fregley OUT.
The man, the myth, the legend One small step for Hunt, one giant leap of chaos Have you been in the presence of greatness? We then went on to “Mamas” Guerra ask him if he was authorized to Spencer Shay inform us of his possible prior On Jan. 12, he made his or even current experience in first public appearance. Going by Britain’s Secret Service. “Britain?? multiple names; such as Jameson How dare you bombard me with Norris, J. Norris and James C. these questions—I don’t even Norris, it’s become apparent that know what is most preposterous. this man is single-handedly the First of all, British people don’t international man of mystery of exist, it’s just a publicity stun— wait, cut that part out… that was this century. classified knowledge—why are Sure he plays the guitar you still typing this out, I—” and is an avid cat lover, but don’t After thoroughly allow this façade to deceive you. discussing the release of For all we know, Norris may be the this confidential information, the lead guitarist of an infamous rock Boogar Press has decided to not band, or better yet, a super fresh hold back in writing a follow up
Mr. Norris is soooo dapper. Just look at him! Photo by: Spencer Shay James Bond-esque resurrection. article regarding the leakage of We’re giving you an all such unbelievable knowledge as it exclusive interview from the man is of utmost importance for us to himself. When asked about his inform the people. middle initial, Norris responded, Unfortunately, the “It’s Norris. James Cool Norris.” Bougar Press was unable to receive Given the nature of his response, further answers from Norris as he we asked him some follow up lunged towards our interviewing questions. team following a rather terrifying “I’m not at liberty to say series of events. We are utterly whether I drive ridiculously fast shitting bricks that we are on foreign cars or not—but I can tell some kind of Norris watchlist now you this much, my besties address but not even that will stop us from withdrawing our article. me as Cool, just Cool,” he stated.
VHS Music teacher Paul Hunt unexpectedly submits letter of resignation. Socko On May 31 2021, Ventura Unified School District received Paul Hunt’s formal letter of resignation, requesting leave immediately. “I just don’t understand,” said freshman David Shostakovich, “I’ve only known him for a few months, he seemed to like his job. I guess looks can be deceiving.” At this time, VUSD has refused to release any information concerning Hunt’s reasons for resignation, but rumors have flowed around Ventura High School’s campus. Senior Base Cleferson, violin player, discussed some of the common theories addressing his sudden pardon, “Us music students believe that he has hated us for so long that he started to hate himself. It’s tragic, really.” Sophomore Frank Bachy also brought to light the non-music departments’ rumors, “I heard that Mr. Hunt finally quit so that his hair could grow back. It hasn’t always been like that, right?” Early Wednesday morning, Hunt’s first period music class Wind Ensemble Honors showed up to an invalid Zoom link. “We were pissed,” said junior Olivia Bernstein, “The man really makes us log on early to warm up our instruments just to get logged out? And then abandoned? Some teacher he is.” Due to the unexpected leave, Ventura High staff have issued an email to all parents and nearby schools that, due to their failure to hire a new music director, VHS Music Department will be permanently shut down. All
VUSD has refused to release any information concerning Hunt’s reasons for resignation, but rumors have made their way around Ventura High School. Photo by: Socko concerts have been canceled and music students will be enrolled into new electives immediately. Due to the sudden shift, VHS counselors were not able to make room in popular electives, so music students were all separated into different electives, such as Auto and Agriculture. VHS music student Desi Kontsemor commented, “So the school thinks that just because I play the french horn suddenly I know how to clean an exhaust pipe? Who’s gonna tell them?” Impacts of the eradication of the music department varied from little to very extreme. Music student Dimitri Aston said, “It’s fine, really. I was trying to come up with a way to tell Hunt that I hated him and his class, I guess everything works out!” In opposition to the positive views, senior Karen Smith suffered a crisis, “Going from a top honors class down to a general ed,
low-budget classroom? Not only has my GPA dropped from 4.6 to 4.1, but now I have to spend an hour of my day learning how to plant seeds in Agriculture. What college is gonna accept me now? Hunt ruined my life!” There will be an official protest outside of Hunt’s private residence in Beverly Hills, California next Tuesday, April 7 at dawn. “We will make him pay for this,” said senior Janet Keech, “Who’s gonna write my letter of recommendation now?” The protest is being organized by ex-Music Booster parent Anna Bortíones, and already has its own Go-Fund Me page with 20 thousand dollars raised. “We have rented party buses to arrive at VHS on Tuesday, there will be five. We wanted to show up to Hunt’s residence in style. We want to show him exactly what he’s missing out on. Anyone that supports Hunt during this time, keep your mouth shut.”
Distractions
The Bougar Press April Fools Edition Page 4
S.E.L. WEDNESDAYS WERE A WONDERFUL USE OF MY TIME!
I DON’T KNOW, I THINK MY SENIOR YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL WAS GREAT!
Graphics by: Spencer Shay
Graphic by: Kevin Jonas
New scratch and sniff printing technology!
Try it!
Graphic by: Jaroline Duggar
Didn’t you know I got frustrated with fast-food workers for telling me to wear a mask?
Horoscopes by: Big Bird & Spencer Shay
~Remy~
Graphic by: “Mamas” Guerra
Comic by: Rowley & Fregley
Quiz by: Mothman