Are British people real?

Brits are known for their affinity for tea time, love of invading countries & dentophobia… but do they even exist?

I know, it’s shocking to think about. You might be thinking, “Well of course British people are real Mamas! I saw Queen Elizabeth II on the Snapchat Daily Mail the other day!” Oh is that so? So you’ve never actually met her? Hmm yeah that’s what I thought.

In my research I’ve reached out to a couple of people who claim to be British, but alas, the British are not coming this time. I managed to get an interview from a self-proclaimed British person named Barton Upton Snodsbury. “I’m Bri’ish,” said Snodsbury.

During my interview with Snodsbury I came to wonder if the accent was real. Do they talk in an American accent when no one is within earshot? If a British tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it even make a British sound?

Super helpful British slang guide.

Infographic by: "Mamas" Guerra

I worked up the Cougar Courage to ask Snodsbury if the British accent was actually a hoax. “You must fink I’m schewpid innit?” responded Snodsbury, rather angrily. “Wot in the bollocks

Super helpful infographic by: “Mamas” Guerra did yous get that from?”

After I finished crying because Snodsbury yelled at me I went on Urban Dictionary to try to make sense of what Snodsbury even said. Despite these setbacks, I continued on my quest to dig up the truth about British people. My second interviewee who wishes to remain anonymous, due to fear of the royal family kidnapping them, gave me the insider scoop.

“Yes, the accent is fake,” said anonymous British. “After a long day of pretending to have a British accent I am exhausted. I was never quite sure as to why we had to keep up this appearance but I’m in too deep now. I’m actually Belgian. I’ve never even met a British person.”

Well there you have it folks. Next time you meet a British person, no you didn’t.