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Volume LXXIII Edition IV
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@thebougarpress April 1, 2021
“The Bachelor” star Matt James to be teaching classes at VHS Ventura High Even we would take the normally dreaded College and Careers again just to get a chance to talk to him. graduation Why is it flooded in here… the last Ms. Briggs rainfall was four months ago. It updates Spencer Shay reeks in here—like something died As it was announced May 31, Ventura High School will be expecting a new addition to our current staff and faculty. Bachelor contestant Matt James from Season 25 of ABC’s “The Bachelor” will be joining the Cougar fam after months of consideration. In an email put out by principal Carl Charlisle, parents and legal guardians were notified that America’s biggest hunk would be appointed to VHS for two potential spots. College and Careers and Marriage & Family Planning are two classes offered which are designed to guide VHS students to making good life decisions and encourage students to not make rash decisions in the bedroom. Long time librarian Zusanne Adimish appeared ecstatic at the news, “He’s just so dreamy… Oh sorry I sound so silly right now! I hope he asks me to chaperone the prom with him.” The email Charlisle sent read, “After the unfortunate events that have occurred with previous College and Careers
Don’t lose your cool! The Bachelor will be teaching College and Careers during the 2021-2022 school year. Photo by: Spencer Shay teachers and the continued need for an experienced individual to inform our students about sexual education, we knew our school needed someone capable and approachable. It was a no brainer to ask Mr. James to teach for our school considering he’s dependable and resembles the cucumber from Veggie Tales, giving him an admirable presence.” The locations being considered for James’ teaching career were the 50’s wing on campus and the highly sought after
portables. However after extreme consideration, the decision was made that James would teach in the portables. We were fortunate enough to be alongside James during his first impressions of the location designated. On the walk over to the portables, James mentioned, “Why does it feel as though I’m melting as we speak… this blacktop absorbs heat like some kind of magnet…” Upon entering his awaited classroom, James stated, “What—why is the ceiling so low.
in the vents—why are the ceiling tiles falling as I speak… Is that a pickle jar...why are there no actual pickles left… I—.” He continued, “Why did I sign the contract, this was such a mistake.” James’ first impressions of his soon-to-be classroom were those of discontent to say the least. A statement put out by Charlisle after deliberate attempts to get us to not publish James’ first impression read, “The classroom Matt James walked into was actually one reserved for a math teacher. We plan to have James teach in our extra special and considerably cleaner portable classroom.” When we asked James what he was most looking forward to he responded, “I can’t wait to receive countless posters around school from the fabulous ASB here at VHS for no apparent reason.” We can all count on ASB to give James a warm welcome and make his stay hospitable. The Bachelor star has said he hopes to spread one important message to students, stating, “I hope to teach kids why it’s always a bad idea to date 30 women at the same time.”
See tentative school schedule below.
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The only thing keeping Ventura High together The infamous Art Soup trash can tells all.
Redditors short Canvas stock in a shocking new development Who is Trenchcoatmaster and how has he won multiple battles against Wall Street? Rush Limbaugh Incarnate After Redditors, users of a popular social news platform, battled against major hedge fund Jaime and Sons, everyone was on pins and needles to predict their next move. The FBI turned over almost 100 chatrooms with the Redditors to try and see if the public had any information about the users and their next plan. Seeing that most of the Redditors were either in school or just out of school the motive was clear at least to the head investigators. “We know that most of the groups are younger and have a motive against school and any sort of structure that confines them,” said lead agent on the case Suzan Adamick. Their next target was Canvas and other school platforms like Google Classroom
and Schoology. The stock has been slowly declining over the past few days but this wasn’t anything to be alarmed about. This morning the stock plugged more than 100 points making the value of each stock less than a dollar. This set the DOW down by almost 30 points, losing almost a billion dollars for large investors and investment firms again. “This is unacceptable, they took 100 million dollars from me, that’s 1/100th of my weekly spending!” said the handsome debonair billionaire Jeff Bezos. As to what’s going to happen after this ensuing madness, we’re not sure. The FBI and CIA have launched probes into all chat rooms on Reddit that involve stocks and the handsome Jeff Bezos. The head of one one of the largest stock chat rooms,
VHS teacher Sebastien DeClerck mourns the falling Canvas by Instructure stock due to Redditors. Photo by: Rush Limbaugh Incarnate
Photo by: Spencer Shay Spencer Shay
Trenchcoatmaster took the stock market by storm. Trenchcoatmaster revealed in a phone call interview, “I won’t reveal my identity, if I do, I’ll be put on some NSA watchlist.” Photo by: Spencer Shay “Trenchcoatmaster,” was linked with a Ventura High School clique known as the Trenchcoat Mafia. More and more of the Trenchcoat Mafia has come out against Wall Street and late capitalist America. “The middle man has no way of building up wealth in America, we just live under the thumbs of our capitalist overlords,” said Trenchcoatmaster. Public opinion of the Trenchcoat Mafia has long been divided. Their political beliefs, ambitions, and how they act at school has always been a hot button topic with the students of VHS and other neighboring schools. “They’re cool, but I’ve heard some weird stuff about them” said senior Jocelyn Lee. More and more plans
have been exposed by the FBI trying to thwart the Trenchcoat Mafia and its leaders’ plans, but they keep coming up with new and innovative ways to outsmart the FBI while making sure they have the last laugh. “I’m not compelled to tell the public my plans for the next couple of months, it’s very volatile information that the Wallstreet of the FBI wouldn’t take kindly to,” said Trenchcoatmaster. Whatever the future holds in regards to these brave men fighting against the capitalist agenda and the many demons that plague it, they will always find a way to make sure all of the hudgefunds and the billionaires are afraid of them and the power they wield.
We’ve all seen the trash. Students who attended Ventura High School years prior to the COVID-19 pandemic have all seen the legendary landmark. I’m not talking about the statue of that random half naked dude with some planets over his head either. I’m talking about the innerworkings of VHS. The Art Soup trash can. In contrast to those mysterious monoliths that occasionally circulate and become the most talked about subject for a week or so, Art Soup is forever. That thing has seen rain, shine, fire, pandemic, Super Duper Kyle, angry swarms of seagulls, you name it. It’s hard to think of a time where this miraculous trashure of VHS didn’t exist. We asked Mr. Seagull, a now retired drone seagull, about his thoughts regarding this national gem, “Yes it gives so much character to Ventura High. It always made me so happy to see a half-opened cheese stick within the painted concrete walls. I, of course, never hesitated to eat the thing, plastic on it or not, but that’s a matter for another time.” But now that students aren’t able to roam aimlessly as they did in the past, the Art Soup is not receiving the praise and recognition it oh so deserves.
