75:07 April Fools' Edition

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Friday March 31, 2022

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No more Ventura High School football: administration has cut the team due to excessive losing streak to Buena

The VHS football team has lost one too many times Bogrigez is correct, Betty White there has been a significant The rivalry between drop in attendance to football VHS and BHS has been well games since VHS’ first loss to known for many years and BHS. In the 2022 season, 70 thrives on the two campuses. percent fewer students showed This rivalry stems mainly up to support the football from sports games, especially team, and only 15 percent football, where the two teams of students that attended the compete for the Susanne games dressed within the theme in the spirit section.

Brown Memorial Cup. “A significant amount In 2021, the VHS Cougars broke their ten- of the school’s budget went to year winning streak against decorating the spirit section BHS and lost again in 2022. for the games. Plus the DJ and Due to these recent losses, Mrs. Larson demanded a raise administration has announced for all of the extra work her that the VHS football team and her ASB students put into making signs to hang up in the will be cut from the school.

VHS Principal Carissa stands,” said Bogrigez.

Mike Wasowski ‘25 Bogrigez said, “We need to put our funding somewhere that said, “I’m pretty bummed will actually bring us school about [the football team being spirit and pride, no one goes to cut], but I guess it will save the football games anymore.” us some embarrassment in the

future. After we lost to Buena this year, I was jumped by some Buena kids, then they painted me blue and taped me to the stands. After that, they proceeded to laugh at me for thirty minutes, left and never took me down. I was out there all night.”

In disbanding the team, administration explained

Former math teacher Logan Norris seen in Ventura

Two years extra of high school

Norris never left?

champagnemami kinda cool On the afternoon of Thursday, March 30, former VHS math teacher, Logan Norris, was seen riding his bike on Seaward Ave. in Ventura. Norris was a math teacher at VHS who took a year of sabbatical to teach in Spain.

However, he was seen

by Yuri Nator ‘23, she said, “I saw him riding his bike and I almost didn’t recognize him.

I called out his name and he looked toward me and then pedaled off. It almost seemed as if he were scared to be recognized.”

After hearing this, many VHS students began to look for him, speculating that he never left Ventura, and we agree. Why would Norris be back in town if he was supposed to be gone for an entire year?

Anita Dump ‘24 said, “My friends and I are almost like a neighborhood watch crew, we call it Nose Out Norris, we’re looking to find him and put all the clues together.”

Norris’ old classroom which has now been taken over by math teacher Jared Honda, has reportedly been vandalized with messages like “Can’t Catch Me,” which have since been removed. It’s obviously Norris because who else would vandalize such a sweet teacher like Honda?

Norris has a motive on Honda because he overtook his classroom.

This has caused Honda to take precautions regarding his classroom.

Dump said, “This is huge news for Nose Out Norris, we’re so close to finding him.”

Continued on. . . thekougarpress

Photo of VHS math teacher Logan Norris spotted in Downtown Ventura riding his bike! Photo by: kinda cool

Chili Pepper ‘23 said, “I really hope that this [the cutting of the football team] means more people will come to support the tennis team.” Graphic by: Flava

that safety concerns were also taken into account. They didn’t want more students facing acts of bullying like Wasowski in the future, especially as the acts are getting more and more severe.

@thekougarpress Volume 75 April Fools’ Edition

What’s inside?

Photo by: ydorb

School rivalry clashes on

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Governor Newton signs law for two years extra of high school going into action next school year more onto that would have Spooderman been torture for them. I also On March 24, Calif. feel that mental health with Governor Gavin Newton told students is a big problem and the public that with the next I know that with the new law school year, he has signed a we would see many more law that will add two extra students go into unhealthy years of high school. mental health habits.”

The law has been There were many signed by governors of 45 supporters of the new law. states. The five states to not States had about five hundred sign were Utah, Maine, West thousand supporters but the Virginia, Hawaii and New most was Ohio, with ten Mexico. This law stated that million people backing up two extra years would be the law. required and if not completed Grada Johannesson, would lead to one year in jail an Akron City School District or a $50 thousand fine. member, said, “I think this Newton said, “I do is what kids need. Mine are believe that students should always on the couch yelling have a further education, I and fighting and I need more think it is important since one me time. So this will not just day they will be leading the be good for them but also world.” me.”

VHS students have But Grada’s children very different opinions. have very different ideas, Natasha Stark ’26 Calif. parent Franices said, “[The law] is so stupid. Johannesson said, “I cannot I am a junior and I was believe my mom said those supposed to graduate next things. First off we are year but now because of our never home because most governor I am forced to stay of the time my mother locks here for another two years. us out until dark. Second, Also [the governors] should why should we have more have told the public and it school, half of us are already should have been a decision exhausted and just ready to instead of a force. I just don’t go out on our own but now understand and I just hope we are held down by some that maybe Governor Newton damn law. I think this is unfair and unjust.” changes his mind.”

Governor Dawn of Hawaii said, “I felt that it wasn’t right. I have a daughter and son and I already see them stressed with the four years of Continued on. . . high school and to add two thekougarpress.org

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Christian Gallo and Matthew Cherrie bring back the power of the Spice

Photo by: Mary Jane

Say goodbye to prom, Cougars

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Weed is the new grass

VHS students continue to get hit by golf carts A new and longer Now we have made a better

Marijuana is replacing the dead grass on the senior lawn

Name Christianity Montecito Dead grass has been plaguing the VHS senior lawn ever since the neon dance in 2021. To combat this, VUSD has decided to plant a small cannabis farm, above the dead grass in the VHS senior lawn, in order to regrow the once dead grass.

With this cannabis farms, there comes a strict set of rules, mainly for the students. Students are not allowed within the fence which is five square feet of farm and only the teachers may enter.

teacher break has been initiated for teachers to tend to the farm and extract some of the cannabis so the plants don’t overgrow and overtake the whole lawn.

VHS representatives Anthony Stoner and Pedro de Pacas were the creators of this brand new idea which has been implemented all across the county.

“We really believe that this will be the start of a new wave of school rehabilitation.

For too long the county and its schools have been plagued with unhealthy and dead grass.

The senior lawn has many spots of dirt and dead grass. These areas will be the ones used and turned into the cannabis farms. Photo by: Christianity Montecito

alternative for the schools and for the teachers,” said Stoner.

“It gives the teachers and adults a chance to rest themselves and find a bit of calm in the storm with their farming and extra break hours. We truly believe that this will change VHS for the better,” said Pacas.

Stoner and Pacas also added a tip to students.

Stoner said “If there is ever the smell of smoking near any teacher lounge or teacher bathroom, just ignore it. That’s the consequence of having to tend to the cannabis farm. If a teacher ever looks sluggish and more mellow than usual, that’s only a side effect from the zen and calming effects that farming has on teachers.”

Ivan Rock ‘24 said, “I don’t get it, why do we need a whole farm of cannabis if it can’t even fix the dead grass issue in the first place?”

These new mandates will be implemented next year and the regrowth plan will last until the dead grass grows.

Hopefully these new mandates will have a positive impact that won’t inhibit the learning from students, or hinder the educators ability to teach.

Say goodbye to prom, Cougars

Record low GPAs and chronic absences leave students ineligible for prom and forces VHS to cancel the dance

Name Mary Jane

Ventura High School Prom ‘23 has been canceled as of March 31, 2023. The news comes as a shock to many upperclassmen looking forward to the annual dance.

With plummeting grades and attendance this semester, VHS had no other option but to cancel the dance completely.

VHS has strict requirements students must follow in order to attend prom at the end of the year.

Students must have at least a 2.0 GPA and no more than six tardies and three absences.

With the stress that comes with junior and senior year, many upperclassmen look forward to the end-of-theyear celebration. However, with over 80 percent of juniors and 90 percent of seniors having below a 2.0 GPA, this leaves less than

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10 percent of the student population eligible to attend the dance. All of the eligible students left have exceeded the maximum number of tardies and absences allowed to still be able to attend prom.

With no students meeting the prom requirements, VHS has been forced to cancel prom indefinitely.

Prom is a special night for many high schoolers and VHS students are outraged that they do not get to participate in the event this year. Seniors in particular are upset with the cancellation as this is their last opportunity to attend the dance.

Glen Laber ‘23 said, “I’m so upset they canceled prom this year because I already got my outfit. Even though I have a 1.2 GPA I still want to have a good time with all my friends.”

VHS administration is perplexed by the exponential

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increase in truancies and decline of the average schoolwide GPA. With the school doing well last semester, they are trying to figure out where things went wrong. In order to combat this issue, they have decided to implement a bootcamp over the summer for students with a GPA lower than 2.0.

They are also expelling students with more than six absences and suspending any student that is late to class.

While the majority of students are not eligible to attend prom, there are a select few who qualified to go to the dance.

Sophia Pek ‘23 said, “I have perfect attendance and a 4.8 GPA. I was really looking forward to prom this year and it’s nuts that they canceled it.”

Continued on . . . thekougarpress.org

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Students keep getting hit by campus security golf carts and the injury toll is rising

Name Shaday Name Fredrick Orlando Early this year increased reports of students getting injured by campus security golf carts was at an all time high. These injuries are reported to range from minor scrapes to shattered hip bones. The cause of these injuries is often due to the school’s campus security staff driving recklessly as directed by the school district.

Last year, VUSD campus security Erick Kleisthenes, implemented a new rule that all campus security members must follow throughout the school district. This new rule requires all campus security to drive at a maximum speed of 90 miles per hour. If one fails to follow this rule it could result in the termination of their job position.

When asked about why and how this new rule will help students Kleisthenes said, “It’s important for our security staff to respond swiftly in case of an emergency, so this new rule will ensure the safety of our students and staff by forcing all caddy drivers to go over 90 miles per hour. If the caddy drivers fail to reach this continuously monitored top speed, they will be subject to harsh interrogation techniques used by the CIA.” The increase in injuries has caused some students to protest against the new rule to have it changed. A few weeks

ago a massive protest was held outside of the school in the staff parking lot.

One of the protestors, Lee Oliver ‘25 said, “My reasons for being involved [in the protest] were quite straightforward. I believe that to avoid more students from getting injured by this reckless driving, the top speed should be lowered from 90 to 89 miles per hour.”

Lee’s statement brings up the question of why the school district would enforce such a rule.

According to a student poll done by The Cougar Press in December, 91 percent of students struggled with typing their response while 9 percent said it’s necessary.

In an effort to better understand how students feel about the newly imposed rule, Kyle Jack ‘24 said, “I think the rule is very important to use students.

It ensures that campus security can respond to the constant fights on campus quickly and efficiently”.

Regardless of what the majority of students and staff say, many are still on the fence on whether the rule is necessary or not.

However, many more feel that the dangerous driving done by campus security in golf carts is becoming an increasingly large issue.

As the injury toll continues to rise each and every month students, parents, and staff alike will continue to debate the topic and are expected to never reach an answer by later this year.

A photo captured just moments before an anonymous student is hit by one of the many campus golf carts. Photo by: Fredrick Orlando

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King Kylie Mary J Munch Zerimar Annairb Walter white jr Juju on Dat Beat Jessie Pinkman Sapphire Jojo McDodd McSwagger thasbaka gooch_wizard Ma Regina Phalange

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Andrew Tate flees Romania Prison, and ends up living in Ventura High School boys bathroom

Andrew Tate starts to live in VHS campus boy’s bathroom for the time being, acting as a pseudo guardian of the stalls

Jessie Pinkman Recent drama regarding the famous internet personality Andrew Tate has sprung up, mainly about his arrest following an argument that occurred on Twitter with another famous internet persona, Greta Thunberg. The two got in an argument after Tate had sent an “@” to Thunberg regarding many of his cars and how much carbon-dioxide they emit into the atmosphere.

Thunberg responding by telling him to talk to her about it, following the response with an email address titled “Smalld***energy@gmail. com.” Tate then responded with a video of his own where he had a pizza box in frame, the authorities who were after him for sex trafficking used the pizza box to find his location, arresting him a short while later.

Ever since then, Tate has been in prison with his circumstances inside the building itself being unknown to the public, until now. On March 27, through unknown means, Tate managed to get himself out of Romania, and get a flight to The U.S. Taking refuge on the VHS campus, specifically in the boys bathroom in the 50s wing. He has been spotted by many students screaming at

Another shot of Tate in the boys’ bathroom, this time lecturing an out of shot student on how to make money easily. Photo By: Jessie Pinkman

anyone who brings a vape into the bathroom while smoking obscenely large cigars. To many, he has been welcomed as a sort of “Guardian of the Stalls,” even if the true reason he chose to reside on the VHS campus remains unknown.

Johntavious Elizabeth Google ‘25 said, “He definitely had some kind of outside help to get out of Romania then a flight to the states, and specifically this high school in California.”

Now, Google has a point even if some of the things he said were a bit controversial, one cannot deny the fact that Tate did indeed need some outside help to get out of Romania and into VHS specifically, perhaps

there could be a staff member working with him.

Lelouch Britannia ‘24 said, “In my personal opinion I think this is a good thing, after all maybe he’ll actually clean the absolutely wretched bathrooms while scaring away vapers. It’s nice to be able to walk into the bathroom and not have my nose assaulted by flavored lung killing chemicals.”

Clearly Tate is going to stay a while here, at least until all the heat on him has settled down slightly. The bathroom seems to fit him, he’s able to constantly scream at people who vape and he’s always busy in some capacity.

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Senior lawn turns into a dance floor

Administration decides to hire a DJ to perform at VHS during lunchtime

Juju on dat beat

Administration recently announced the new addition to VHS. There will be a DJ performing on the senior lawn at lunch starting in May this year. Students on campus will be able to experience live performances while at school.

What does VHS think about this new incorporation?

Administration claims they’ve decided to do this for the better of the kids.

“Kids love music so let’s just give it to them,” said Admin.

The unrevealed DJ and producer has shared their excitement for this new change on campus, “I can’t wait to play live remixes and songs

for everyone on campus.”

They said to expect sounds ranging from techno to R&B. The DJ isn’t the only one excited for this. Randrea Rumalcaba ‘23 expressed her thoughts to the press. She said, “A baddie gon’ get what she like, and partying to a DJ is what I like. This gives us a chance to be ourselves and have fun at school. Wait, I love it.”

“I haven’t been having much fun at school recently so I really can’t wait to munch on my school pizza and jam out to some music on the senior lawn,” said Taquo Bell ‘24.

Continued on. . . thekougarpress.org

“I’m a little nervous this DJ might suck,” said Rudy Lunar ‘24.

Graphic by: Juju on dat Beat Mhmm

Ventura High School students can now vape free of repercussion California bans flavored vape products, but VHS doesn’t care

Sapphire Mary Jane With the recent ban of flavored vapes in California, nicotine addicts in Ventura have faced a difficult challenge.

The entire state said goodbye to banana cream and peach ice and hello to

unflavored vapes and clean air.

In the midst of this difficult shift, VHS has taken a firm stance in favor of nicotine devices. The historically strict anti-vape rules at VHS will no longer be implemented starting April 1, 2023. Feel free to hit your vape in class or anywhere else on campus, free of punishment. No more “code white” calls in the bathroom.

Pita Everdeen ‘25 said, “I can’t believe I’ll be able to vape cheaply for the next three years of high school! Classrooms are gonna look so sick.” Graphic by: Sapphire

Shein Smith ‘24 said, “Honestly, I was worried when I heard that people had actually voted for the vape ban. I wouldn’t want to have to hit weird flavorless gas. But now Ventura County is safe.”

With the market for flavored nicotine devices shrinking after the state-wide ban, VHS saw an opportunity to make money. Vapes will now be sold in the student store and in the cafeteria at lunch. The funds will directly go to the school to raise money for school dances and events.

School administration is encouraging students to pick up a vape and help out VHS and its families.

Health teacher Lizbeth Latte said, “I think [selling vapes on campus] is a great way for the school to raise money. With the likely shut down of VHS, we need all the funds we can get. Plus, vaping makes the classroom smell so good.”

VHS student store manager Nancy Kennedy said, “I’m hesitant about selling these devices to the kids but I definitely see the benefits for our school.” Graphic by: Sapphire

Vapes will be sold for $20 but with an ASB sticker, it is only $15. Chargers and other vape accessories will be available in the student store next year.

Mod Vapor ‘23, selfappointed “Vape God,” said, “They should have made vapes available on campus forever ago. I’m always killing the ‘dome’ in class, so it’ll be nice just to buy a new one right away.”

One of the reasons

Kougarinthians 4:44

VHS decided to add vape products to the student store inventory was because of nicotine’s many positive effects. Vapes are proven to raise IQ and make students more alert in class. VHS has the student body and staff’s best interest in mind and is hoping to influence their students to succeed in class.

Stop by the student store or cafeteria for all your vape needs starting in April.

The Kougar Press is a completely student-run, public forum of the Ventura High School community.

We strive to present all sides of an issue fairly and without bias while being as resourceful to our readers as possible. From time to time, we make an error. When this happens, we try to correct it as soon as possible. Students and community members are encouraged to write for The Kougar Press and to submit photos and videos. We welcome all submissions but may edit them for clarity and brevity. This public forum is only as good as the community support it receives.

Contact us at thekougarpressvhs@gmail.com

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BHS and VHS combine football team’s to beat Saint Bonaventure High School

Since SBHS is ranked so highly in California, VHS and BHS have agreed to combine teams to take them on and finally win

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High school football is very important to some which is why VHS finally took the leap and asked crosstown rival, Buena High School, to combine forces to beat Saint Bonaventure High School.

The decision was difficult for the BHS team after taking the win in the Buena vs. Ventura football game for two years in a row.

Alfred Rowe ‘23 from BHS said, “Initially we [the football team] did not want to accept VHS’s offer to combine teams. Most of us football players thought our team was better, especially after winning against them the past three years. But then we got to thinking about how great it would be to beat SBHS and we decided to accept.”

Now that the offer has officially been accepted the schools have decided a new mascot is needed. After a lot of back and forth, it has been decided that the new mascot will be a Dinosaur Chicken Nugget.

Dino Jay ‘24 from VHS said, “I really like the new mascot, believe it or

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E The creation of the new football teams name scheduled to go against FR Saint Bonaventure High School in 2023. Graphic By: Ben Wining Oactually the one who have combined they’ve not I was came up N with the Dinosaur moved up to being ranked #16 Tidea. I’m glad in California. SBHS is only Chicken Nugget the guys liked it.” P AGhave ranked #38.

Both schools Jay said, “So basically decided practices have to E be I’ve heard SBHS stands no held on common ground so the teams asked FTHS if they could use their field. This means the games will be held at Ventura College.

Rowe said, “It’s super chill of FTHS to let us use their field. I mean I guess it’s not really theirs but it’s cool nonetheless. Plus they’re like the dragons and were like dinosaurs so now it’s like they’re a part of this too.”

Now that the teams

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chance against Buena Ventura High School (BVHS). The games are gonna be crazy for sure.”

Luis Rich ‘23 from SBHS said, “I kind of feel bad for the BVHS kids having to combine to beat us but then again we are really good […] so like […] I get it completely.”

Continued on. . . thekougarpress.org

Andrew Tate and Bryce Hall upcoming brawl summer of 2023

These two influencers are seen as the manliest of men on social media, who will come out victorious?

PekPek CutiePie805 Andrew Tate, the man, the myth, the legend, known for his vast knowledge of the real world as well as his crazy good looks and Bryce Hall, the king of Tiktok, known for his unmatched boxing talent

the beach here afterwards, I heard good things about that froyo place in Pierpont,” stated Hall.

This fight has been the talk of the town since word got out, but tickets are only being sold in the student store during

Ticket prices will vary on age and gender according to Tate. “If you’re a female and you’re a 10, you get in free babe,” said Tate.

Graphic by: PekPek Cutiepie805

and dating prom queen Addison Rae, have finally set the date. They have both agreed to a boxing match on July 12, 2023 in Tuttle Gym on Poli street.

“We both want to fight here because it’s a good gym and many of my fans reside in Ventura County,” said Tate in an exclusive interview.

“I honestly didn’t care where I fought this guy, but maybe I’ll go to

A new addition has been added to the lineup of novels that are analyzed by students in AP Writing

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English teacher Locker requires literary analysis of “Spare”

nutrition and lunch. Nothing about tickets can be found online, so the brawl seems quite private compared to the two’s previous endeavors. Ventura has really come alive since this fight has been announced to the public.

“Dude, this whole thing is crazy, and at Tuttle too? *Damnnnnnnn, I really wonder who’s going to win, it seems pretty tied at this point,” said Jason

Ferrero ‘23. Since this will be quite the fight, students have been caught betting on loads of things, including their vapes, Gallo bucks, phone chargers and real life money.”

A little bird told the Kougar Press that KEIC Avery Schmanderon ‘23 and KME Alejandro Tater ‘24 were betting on each other’s lifestyles depending on who won, basically stating that they would adopt the winning bets lifestyle in exchange for that win.

Ventura’s very own band, Loop84, has agreed to play a few tunes before the fight, as to help with the crowd’s morale.

“I’m betting on Andrew Tate since he’s a real G, but everyone else in the band said that Bryce is gonna win, we’ve all fought a little bit over it, I can’t wait to see it live,” said lead bassist Reid Kembler ‘23.

“I don’t even care who wins, I just think this fight will be funny, I can’t wait to see those dramatic Tik Tok thirst traps,” said Blooth Sheldon ‘23.

Everyone can agree that this fight will be the talk of the county for many weeks to come. Who are you betting on?

Taking the media by storm, Prince Harry’s memoir “Spare” caught the attention of VHS English teacher Jai Locker and its potential to provide a meaningful lesson into psychology. Locker has teamed up with AP Psychosis teacher Benoit Bonkers to create a joint unit in their curriculum. Bonkers and Locker have delved into the subconscious meanings of Harry’s writing and his relationship with his mother.

Locker said, “This obviously troubled individual.

Harry, is concerning, but shows a possible mental consequence of a complicated relationship with a mother figure. Really there’s a lot to learn from this book. If we can even call it that.”

Bonkers said, “I relate to Harry quite a bit, so it was easy for me to put this into a learning experience for my kids. Writing the assignments was sort of like my therapy.”

Belijah Eart ‘25 said, “The new module is

really concerning, but I enjoy learning about it. I never would read this book on my own, so I guess it’s expanding my horizons and my brain along with it.”

Other students had different opinions.

Salami Mel Niceman ‘23 said, “This new unit is the most pointless thing I have ever done. There is nothing wrong with Prince Harry and I feel as if the teachers are participating in propaganda, which is not what I came to this school for.”

This new change in the curriculum has brought about a field trip scheduled to Buckingham Palace, where students will be able to meet the royal family. The group will then take a detour and visit Prince Harry himself, giving them the opportunity to ask him questions.

“I think I am going to ask him why he decided to stir the pot so much with this new novel. It’s something I am really curious about,” Eart said.

VHS student bites peer, giving her rabies

Ninth grade students participate in a tussle

Walter White Jr. Zerimar Annairb On Mar. 30 at VHS, students Emilia Reed ‘25 and Wee Niss ‘25 became aggressive in the quad during lunch, resulting in a brutal fight. This is not a common occurrence at VHS, leaving many students and teachers shocked.

Peter Griffin ‘24 said, “I was right up close to them when it occurred, I was trying to get a video but my phone got taken away.

I was just really surprised because it was so close, and fights like that never happen at our school.”

Allegedly Reed And Niss have never gotten along, but according to Bella Vasqez ‘23, Reed has never been violent like this.

Vasqez said, “I was really shocked when I heard what she did that to Wee Niss because I always saw her as the quiet shy girl that doesn’t get into trouble, I never expected her to be so violent, although I knew her and Wee argued pretty often.”

Bite victim, Niss said, “Emilia has rabies. I went to the doctor after the fight. I had to get a lot of

shots so [that] I wouldn’t die. Emilia has been really mean to me since we were kids, I’ve never seen that side of her before though.”

Various students of VHS filmed the fight.

In the video, the first person to take a hit was Reed, striking Niss with a kick.

Niss seemed to be getting more hits then Reed was. The video showed Reed biting Niss’ arm.

After the incident, Reed was suspended for two weeks. Once she came back, she allegedly experienced severe bullying due to having rabies.

Along with the bullying, Reed lost all of her friends and became an outcast.

Joel Bidin ‘24 said, “I used to be her best friend before the fight happened, when I found out she had rabies I didn’t want to be around her anymore, nobody did, I always saw her getting bullied.”

With further investigation, we’ve found out that Reed has moved to a different state.

Bidin said, “Her mom told my mom that they are moving to Omaha, Nebraska to start a new life because of all the bullying she experienced.”

On Campus

FINALLY: Wednesdays are being eliminated out of school schedule

Since students all get out at the same time on Wednesdays, after school traffic is even more unbearable, which is why they are long overdue to be canceled

Thasbaka On March 15 administration announced the alteration in VHS’ schedule that creates a gap in the regular school week, making Wednesdays free from school. This change is set to start on April 5.

So students, say goodbye to the frustration of sitting and waiting in the car forever to be let out of a parking spot, that will no longer be a problem. Instead, you can lay in bed all day, or do whatever you want without worrying about school at all.

Wednesday traffic in the student parking lot has created an annoyance to everyone on campus in one way or another, ranging from honking fits, to congestion or even minor accidents.

Personally, I have a seventh period so I’m used to minimal activity in the lot while I’m on my way home.

My first time experiencing Wednesday parking lot traffic was so annoying and unnecessary. Then I thought, why do we even have to come to school on Wednesdays, isn’t it hump day? That’s a holiday right?

I’m sure I’m not alone with this discovery. The term “hump day” alludes to getting over the hump of the week, so what better way to celebrate

The new and improved bell schedule has been emailed to all VHS students and guardians. Photo by: Thasbaka

that than with a break? With all of the hard work students and teachers put in, they deserve reward not only on the weekends but during the week too.

Lana Gomez ‘24 said, “Having Wednesdays off would completely refresh and rejuvenate me for the rest of the week. It would make me enjoy school more honestly.”

A good relationship requires time with as well as without each other, so that should apply to students and school too.

To fix this injustice, I went straight to the source with my complaint: VHS administration. I voiced my frustration and my proposal

a high school. BHS Principal Goth Rayborn and VHS Principal Carissa Bogrigez made the unanimous decision to merge the two campuses; BHS students and teachers alike have found their new home at VHS. This transition has been met with fierce resistance

The food fight that broke out in the quad this Thursday, May 23, 2023 was quickly shut down by administration. Over 300 kids participated. Photo by: Ydorb

on both sides, as VHS and BHS have maintained a traditional rivalry for over 50 years. BHS and VHS students have taken to wearing their school colors every day so people can identify with whose side they are on. The senior lawn was divided in two last Tuesday with a gate made out of gummy bears; the student who did this has yet to be identified. However, the administration claims they have several likely suspects in custody.

VHS will be the new star of a show that features the lives of high school students

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for no school on Wednesdays and they totally loved the idea.

Abby Lee, a nurse at VHS, said, “I’m all for this proposal.

In most weeks, I’m exhausted with work by Wednesday anyways, so it’ll be nice to have a break midway through.”

I was slightly surprised that they were so eager to put my plan into action because usually administrators fail to hear students out on how hard they work and how much time is put into school.

Continued on. . . thekougarpress.org

As Buena and Ventura students merge together, many choose sides

On March 28, the integration of Buena High School students into the VHS campus was complete.

High power storms left BHS in shambles, with water damage too severe for it to continue functioning as

Keeping up with the Cougars ur mom

School rivalry clashes on campus Ydorb

The Kougar Press Page 5

VHS student Barry McNeloson ‘23 said, “We will continue this fight until VHS Principal Bogrigez kicks those Buena kids out of our school. I didn’t have very much cougar pride until I realized just how awful our school was with [BHS students].”

Over 56 fights have broken out during lunch and break since this integration, 309 percent higher than the average for 2023. Newly appointed security guard Harry Henderson said, “I just

can’t tear these kids off each other. Pain in the butt. This Wednesday, I saw Cougie, the Ventura Mascot, and that Bulldog mascot really get into it in the lot. Big mess, fur everywhere, blocked traffic and everything.”

BHS student Lana Jetson ‘23 said, “I really hate all the fighting. Even the Ventura teachers give out way more detentions to the Buena kids than the Ventura kids.

It’s just not fair. I really want to go back to Buena, Ventura sucks.”

In a recent poll, 98 percent of VHS students wanted BHS students to leave (316 students), and 96 percent of BHS students wanted to return to their old school (401 students).

The VHS and BHS administration declined to comment, but in their email to students, Principal Bogrigez wrote, “The actions and comments that are directed toward Buena students is appalling. This silly rivalry has spiraled into fights on campus and on social media.

Anyone caught being rude or dismissive to a Buena student will be expelled, effective immediately.”

In his concluding remarks, McNeloson said, “This is Cougar land, and you know what Cougars eat for breakfast? They eat Bulldogs.”

Starting in the 2023-24 school year, VHS will be the host of a new show called, “Keeping up with the Cougars.” While the show does not begin to film until next school year, auditions for the stars of the show begin in early April. VHS students and staff are being given the opportunity to showcase their skills and personalities to producers for a chance to be featured in the upcoming show.

The director of “Keeping up with the Cougars” is none other than the famous rapper and former VHS student, Kyler Harris, aka Really Cool Kyler.

Harris said, “I haven’t really had any famous projects in a couple years and I thought this would be a cool thing to do. I really liked being at Ventura [High School], so I was excited when Principal Ramirez asked me to do this. We thought people would like to see the everyday life of the average high schooler…

Plus, the kids at Ventura are wild. They’ll for sure get tons of views.”

Izzy Miller ‘23 has been in the drama department at VHS for four years. Miller said, “I am obviously going to audition for the show.

And I’ll probably get a

leading role. I mean, there is no way they don’t want me. I’m most excited to finally get a real chance to showcase my acting skills.

I love the plays we put on at school, but let’s be real, those kids are amateurs compared to me.”

Many have questioned principal Melissa Ramirez on her decision to allow VHS to be the focus of the show. Ramirez said, “We had some extra money in our budget this year and decided to use it to pay camera crews and Kyler to make this show. I thought about using that money to get the students useful things, like bathroom doors that work or maybe a parking lot with room for everyone. But then I thought to myself, no, they can live without that stuff… I hope that it will get us [VHS] some good publicity and more students will enroll. I just don’t think the school is overcrowded enough yet.”

“Keeping up with the Cougars’’ will air every Wednesday, beginning next school year. Students will be required to go to the auditorium to watch the show’s premier every week during the third period. Any student who does not attend will be given detention for a month.

“Keeping up with the Cougars” will be once a week, beginning in August 2023. Graphic by: ur mom

The Kougar Press Page 6

Teacher Features

Ventura High School in the spotlight of the world VHS math teacher Edward Pacula selected as head coach for 2024 US Olympic calculus team

Ray Smith In a press release published on Mar. 31, 2022, the United States Olympic Committee announced that Edward Pacula would be the head coach for the new calculus event in the 2024 Paris Summer Olympics.

Pacula is a math teacher at VHS and teaches Math 3 Honors, AP Calculus AB and AP Calculus BC. Pacula said, “I was absolutely blown away when I found out that I had been chosen. I got a call from a number I had never seen before and picked up expecting a spam call only to hear the best news of my life.”

The calculus event was revealed earlier in 2023 and is the first Olympic event to focus on intelligence rather than athletic ability. The decision was met with mixed reactions from Olympic athletes and fans.

Reginald Spekter ‘24 said, “I think it’s really interesting, I think the mind should receive just as much focus and attention as the body. The jocks of the world already get millions

James Locher announced as the 2024 Bachelor

Locher will be taking a sabbatical next year to take part in the hit series, “The Bachelor”

McSwagger Ma

Team USA announced the decision via Twitter. Edward Pacula said, “I want to bring glory to Ventura High School and the United States.” Photo by: Ray Smith

of dollars and fame so I think it’s high time that the intellectuals get some of the same treatment. ” Louisa Pongle ‘23 said, “Calculus should not be in the Olympics.

The tournament is about the greatest athletes in the world and those calculus ‘nerds’ are just going to bore everyone with their irrelevant knowledge.”

Pacula said, “When they made the announcement, I was happy that what I love and get to teach everyday would be seen and appreciated by billions around the world and I was excited to see the greatness that other

countries had to offer.”

Pacula has been teaching math at VHS for 25 years. He is currently the head coach of the girls frosh-soph basketball team and has coached crosscountry in previous years.

Pacula said, “I think my experience coaching different sports will carry over to calculus as well.

I will treat my team with respect and kindness but also push them to be the best calculus minds in the world as getting the gold medal will require nothing less.”

The Olympic calculus tryouts will be held in June in New York City and Pacula will be flown out to choose which minds he wants for his team.

VHS teacher, James Locher, who teaches English Honors 10 and AP Literature and Composition, has been selected to be the next seasons’ bachelor on the TV program “The Bachelor” As an avid viewer of the show Locher said, “[I was inspired by] the contestants’ emotional sincerity and integrity and wanted to experience the five star bachelor villa for myself.”

Despite the fact that only five couples who met on the show during its 26 seasons have remained together, Locher remains hopeful that he can find his perfect match.

Locher said, “I strive to find the type of love that is written in the novels of Allende, Tolstoy, or even Stephenie Meyer, the author of my favorite novel ‘Twilight.’ Just like I empathize

ary references. It has been confirmed that Locher will give out roses with literary quotes on them to everyone during the rose ceremonies. Those who are being sent home may find a quote such as, “respect was invented to cover the empty place where love should be,” from the novel “Anna Karenina,” while those staying may find a quote such as, “you are my life now,” from the novel “Twilight.”

Locher has stated that if he is unsure of who to send home, he will have the two competing contestants write an AP write. Whoever scores the lowest on the essay will be sent home.

Julie Thumbledon ‘24 said, “I’m glad [Locher] will be taking a sabbatical to film ‘The Bachelor’ because I was dreading the thought of doing AP writes and timed multiple choices next year. I’ll have to do the class on Edgenuity instead, but at least then I can cheat.”

The Weeknd steals Karen Reynosa and her band from Ventura High School Long time VHS teacher Karen Reynosa bids farewell to teaching in goals of pursuing music

Ydorb Betty White On March 10, VHS teacher Karen Reynosa did not show up to teach her classes.

After further investigation into her whereabouts, VHS

teachers were shocked by Reynosa’s sudden resignation. Julia Roberts ‘23 said, “I’m going to really miss Ms. Reynosa, but I’m excited to have a break from AP Chemistry until a new teacher is hired.”

Nulliete Jaseranko ‘25 said, “I am just so so devastated. Ms. Reynosa

Karen Reynosa [far right] pictured on the poster for her upcoming tour with The Weeknd. Reynosa’s band members look eerily similar to former One Direction band members Harry Styles, Niall Horan and Liam Payne. Graphic by: Ydorb

administration found a note she had written in her classroom taped under a photo of Harry Styles on Saturday Night Live. The note said, “The Weeknd just texted me to ask if my band would come be the openers for his world tour, and I cannot pass up this once in a lifetime opportunity. I am sad to leave VHS, actually no I’m not, I’m going to tour with The Weeknd! I’ll send postcards. K, bye.”

Students and

is my absolute favorite teacher, and I am going to miss her so much. I learned so much in her class, she is the one who convinced me to go into AP Chem, but, now that I think about it, I am actually so grateful I won’t have to spend eight hours a night on homework anymore.”

Reynosa’s tour begins on June 12, 2023.

Until then, she is pregaming with The Weeknd in Miami. She went live on her

Instagram, @khemistkaren, on March 15, depicting her and The Weeknd clubbing.

This went viral among VHS students, who were shocked to see their teacher in such a wild environment.

Jaseranko said, “I want to be in Miami with her, honestly school is pointless without her . Plus, it’s on my bucket list to go partying with Reynosa.”

Reynosa is also scheduled to play at the 2023 graduation with her band.

Her students look forward to seeing her. Roberts said, “I was not planning on graduating since I have all Fs right now, but since Ms. Reynosa will be there, I will too.”

F o l l o w i n g Reynosa’s announcement of quitting to open for The Weeknd, his tour has sold out. Ticketmaster statistics show that 90 percent of tickets for the West Coast shows were bought by people living in Ventura County.

“I stole my mom’s credit card and got pit tickets for all of the LA shows. But I’m just going to see Ms. Reynosa and then I’ll leave when the actual show starts,” said Roberts.

While VHS students are confused about the sudden resignation of the long time VHS teacher, they are equally excited for Reynosa to take this next

Locher will be the 2024 Bachelor and stated that he will take his Harvard diploma and a copy of “War and Peace” with him in case of an emergency. Graphic by: Ma

with the contestants on ‘The Bachelor,’ I also empathize with Bella, as I too am trying to find my perfect werewolf or vampire.”

The upcoming season of Bachelor will be different from past seasons, as Locher has ensured that everything from the villa to the rose ceremonies will be infused with liter-

Locher has already assigned students to take care of his Ivy League wall next year, giving them orders to add new students who have committed to any of the eight schools while he is away. It was reported that he said, “If anyone gets into Harvard, email me. I am a Harvard man, after all.”

Locher hopes to find the love of his life on “The Bachelor,” but viewers will have to tune in themselves to find out whether or not he will find the Edward to his Bella. Graphic by: Ma

Teacher Features

Winner winner chicken dinner: Rigoberto wins the lottery

Mr. Rivera quits after winning billions of dollars

Mama Tro VHS math teacher, Rigoberto Rivera, has recently announced that he won the $106.8 billion lottery after months of buying hundreds of lottery tickets.

Students claim to have said he stopped teaching in the middle of period four and ran outside yelling and knocking at everyone’s class door.

Patty Farrell ‘24 said, “I was in the middle of my [chemistry] class. I was just minding my own business when a random teacher just runs in and starts yelling. I don’t even know who he was.”

With lots of confusion, it was confirmed Rivera has stepped down from his placement as a math teacher. Rivera also confirmed he’s had a gambling addiction ever since he was out of the womb. What will Rivera do with all this cash? Will he be the next TikTok star?

Will he be the next Elon

Musk? ` Rumors say he wasn’t smart about his cash and spent it all on cars.

Bussy Lowks ‘24 said, “I have Mr. Rivera during the fourth period.

He was reading his emails in the back, when he started screaming ‘I WON! I WON!’ It was pretty crazy, not gonna lie.”

Many teachers have already heard the big news about Rivera. In fact, it’s rumored that students have

heard them start a riot in the teacher’s break room.

Rivera said, “Yes, I won the lottery. I’ll be giving away a thousand dollars to every student who answers my math questions correctly.”

Many say he wants to change his identity so no one finds him. Rivera talks about the many ideas he has had since he’s quit his big position as a math teacher.

He plans on buying Mars and moving there.

The Kougar Press Page 7

VHS teacher, Jared McEntyre, finally snaps after students “took it too far”

VHS science teacher attacks a student during school hours

Ma On Mar. 23, VHS science teacher Jared McEntyre attacked a student with a ceramic oatmeal bowl in the “Enviro” Lab. He was soon later arrested on counts of battery and disturbing the peace.

Ben Dover ‘24 said, “The class started out normally, Mr. McEntyre was irritable per usual, but I specifically remember him mentioning how he hadn’t been able to eat yet today.

Then, it kept getting worse

from there.”

At 11:15 a.m, McEntyre proceeded to start yelling at the students. A student who requested not to be named for their safety had taken a video of the incident and recorded the attack.

M c E n t y r e ’s response to one of the students was, “I would jump over this and kick you in the throat.”

The Cougar Press reached out to McEntyre via email on Mar. 24, but according to the

Rivera stopping his period four and running away after finding out he won the lottery. Graphic by: Mama Tro

Christian Gallo and Matthew Cherrie bring back the power of the Spice Girls with a Ventura Unified Education student who was attacked, Association, he is not came out unharmed and just fresh take allowed to have contact had a few bruises.

McEntyre has been a teacher at Ventura High School for almost 400 years. He taught biology, AP Environmental Science and Field Studies. Photo by: Ma Police Department.

VHS teachers start a power pop duo tributing infamous band, the Spice Girls

by Prince’s “Purple Rain.” gooch_wizard With synchronized dance moves, they will perform emo_ma emo_m emo_mama805 at the Santa Barbara Bowl VHS economics on April 1, playing the teacher and statistics much-acclaimed Spice girls teacher, Christian Gallo album “Spice” from front and Matthew Cherrie are to back. “Wannabe” is a starting a Spice Girls cover personal favorite of the duo

Gallo and Cherrie are thrilled to be debuting their group at the Santa Barbara Bowl. They will open with “Wannabe” at their concert. Graphic by: emo_mama805

band. While Gallo and Cherrie usually appreciate other facets of music, the teachers have recently taken up a fascination with British pop group, the Spice Girls. Gallo will reportedly be playing the banjo and harmonizing with lead vocalist, Cherrie.

Gallo has been playing guitar since the age of 19, and Cherrie has recently taken up singing, inspired

showing off Cherrie’s vocal range.

“Wannabe changed my life,” said Cherrie.

“When I hear Wannabe, I instantly start crying, truly a listening achievement,” said Gallo.

Spice Girls is commonly thought of as a pop group known for surface-level commercial success but they are so much more to these teachers.

Gallo said, “When they sang the lyrics, ‘You’ve got it, you’ve got it, hey, hey You’ve got it, you’ve got it, hey, ey, ey You’ve got it, you’ve got it, hey, ey, ey Hey, hey, ey, ey, ey, ey.’ I hear the beauty of life all around me. Noises of our ancestors if you will.”

Other teachers have shared acclaim for the group.

Psychology teacher Alicia Verdades said, “I love hearing them together so much. It brings back that inner child in me yearning for the grace of good music.

I thank whatever god there is that these men have come together to bring back the beauty of true music.”

This high praise has led to a sold out venue of their upcoming April 1 show. Fans are begging for a tour to ensue after the show.

An anonymous fan said, “If they dont go on tour. I’m going to f****** riot.”

Gallo has requested this article to be left on an infamous Spice Girls quote, “Cause I’m choosy, not a floozy, I get my hit and then I run with it.”

with anyone in the district as part of administrative leave; despite this, he responded with the following statement.

McEntyre said, “I know my actions are not dismissable and I usually am always doing it ‘#4thechildren’ but that day the kids pulled the final straw. After they repeatedly made fun of me for washing my week old dishes and how I stood in front of the classroom, the children had just taken it too far. I’m glad I finally am free from the chains that held me to this forsaken place.”

Josh Tree ‘24, the

Tree said, “Honestly, I am not upset or surprised that this happened. I thought it was kind of funny. I expected this to happen sometime during his time teaching here. I mean after 100 years of having to work here, do you blame him?”

The Ma Police Department arrived later at 12:30 p.m. Mar. 23 and tried to escort McEntyre off campus, but campus security would not let them leave because they did not have a hall pass.

McEntyre’s current sentence is to be locked inside his classroom, doing work non-stop until he dies.

The weapon McEntyre used to attack Josh Tree was an oatmeal bowl that he eats his breakfast out of everyday. Jazzy Buns ‘23 said, “His oatmeal bowl is always disturbingly dirty, more disturbing than the actual attack.” Photo By: Ma

A&E

The Kougar Press Page 8

“The Kissing Booth” is proof of love in the modern age The franchise deserves its place in the pantheon of classic films

Pipi

Ice Spice to perform at VHS live for prom

The up-and-coming rapper Ice Spice was selected to perform her EP, “Like..?” at VHS’s prom

Munch

Ray Smith

thasbaka

Chianski Romance is at the core of cinema. Love and the pursuit of it play into every movie and in every story, no matter the medium. The greatest films of all time use romance to drive the plot and push their characters to develop. Despite this, movies that make romance the main feature of their identity, “romance movies,” tend to receive an imaginary asterisk when viewed by the public, an immediate disregard for the film as a work of carefully crafted art.

“The Kissing Booth” franchise consists of three films and tells the story of Elle Evans, a high school student who falls in love with her best friend’s brother and must face the consequences of their relationship. All three movies are directed by Vince Marcello and based on a book series of the same name

by Beth Reekles. The series suffers from “romance movie” treatment, written off as schlock for the unintelligent masses, especially heightened

Lunk Handsome ‘23 said, “All three ‘Kissing Booth’ films deserve the same recognition as the ‘Godfather’ trilogy.” Graphic by: Pipi

by the fact it is produced by Netflix.

Rumpus Kimple ‘23 said, “I started watching the first ‘Kissing Booth’ movie and I turned it off after an hour.

The dialogue was insufferable and the characters had no chemistry. I just couldn’t get through it.”

The films are lampooned by critics with an average score of 22% on Rotten Tomatoes and 5.5 on IMDb and are the subject of many YouTube videos deriding the poor writing, cliche plotlines and unlikeable characters.

However, these reviews do not tell the full story. Beneath its cliche and

trope-ridden exterior, the “Kissing Booth” films convey the fleeting beauty of youthful love and the dampening demands society puts on it. The story is ridden with subtext about the pressure placed on young adults to stake their entire lives on a single decision and the effects this can have on their relationships and self-perception.

At the center of the films are a relationship that transcends the screen and feels so real that you could go on a double date with the characters.

Continued on. . . thekougarpress.org

Toby the ghost has found love Toby the ghost is dating in the drama department

Champagnemami Toby the ghost is the ghost that haunts the drama department. His story has been shared around the school for around 20 years.

VHS drama department sees Toby as one of their own,

happen.

Chimi Changa ‘25 said, “I love being in drama class and I have always felt chilling feelings while in the little theater. Things like cold breezes and doors shutting when I am all alone, but since I am a thrill

By next year, Toby and Changa will have been together for long enough to have their own play starring them two. Graphic by: champagnemami

but recently he has gotten a little too comfortable.

Since drama is such a large program with many students, it’s rare to be alone in the little theater, but when the students are alone, supposedly weird things

seeker I am all for it.”

Salami Mami ‘26 said, “I saw Chimi in the theater giggling and it looked like she was alone.

It’s almost like she was having a whole conversation with herself.”

Toby, being so popular in drama, is speculated to be whom Changa was conversing with. The rumors that were heard have now been confirmed.

Changa said, “Toby and I have been in love since the day I stepped into the theater. He has always made it clear that his eyes were on me by writing me letters and helping me pack up when it’s time to leave.”

Toby and Changa flirting with each other all started with Toby’s true interest in Changa.

Toby the ghost said, “Every year I choose a new love interest in the drama program. This year, it’s Chimi, she is such a baddie when she does improv. I wish I could see her all the time.” This would explain the reason students like Changa are caught staying after class. They are waiting for their ghoulish love affair.

Changa and Toby have since recently announced themselves as a couple, and when the drama department found out, they threw them a party. It is rumored that they will both make secret appearances in the musical, “The Addams Family,” and even have their own play by next spring.

Toby said, “My goal is honestly just to keep my love alive.”

Jade Wright ‘23 and Celeste Zarate ‘23, left to right, express their excitement about Spice’s performance. “Wait cause prom’s gonna be lit now,” said Zarate. Graphic by: Munch

Ice Spice, a rapper from the Bronx who has recently blown up on social media, has been specially selected to perform at the VHS prom this year.

Smooch Booch, Spice’s manager, said, “When I told Spice about this opportunity she practically broke my eardrums she screamed so loud.

Performing at VHS prom has been her goal since long before she blew up. I’m just glad I found a way to make her dreams come true.”

In fact, she will be performing every song off of her EP “Like..?”, which she released on Jan. 20, 2023.

It’s rumored that she will also give students a sneak peek of her first album titled, “Wdym?!”

Regina Ratchet ‘23, @munchkin805 on Instagram, said, “I’m literally a senior and I’ve never even considered going to a school dance until now. I can’t believe this lame school is finally doing something cool for once. You’ll definitely catch me there, I can’t wait to see her live. Much for life” While Spice’s career has already taken off into flight, she recognizes the wonders that the VHS show will do for her. In a Genius video interview Spice said, “Everybody was tryna be like ‘oh she a one hit wonder’… but it’s like, now what?”

A majority of her audience right now consists of young people, such as middle school, high school and college students. Spice and her manager hope to bring in some older fans with this performance. Their plan is to appeal to the staff and security that will be working at the dance. They’ll do this by adding a few covers for her to do along with her own songs. She will be covering “Every Breath You Take” by The Police, “No Scrubs” by TLC and “Super Freak” by Rick James.

Ratchet said, “I’m just glad to finally see some

more ginger representation at our school, especially from such a monumental and game-changing figure.”

Every generation has their sweetheart. Many people have gone so far as to title Ice Spice the “Princess Diana’’ of our generation.

With such a high title, it is only expected that Spice will receive the most pristine level of security during her visit to Ventura.

VHS has released a statement on budget cuts to all education departments in order to cover the costs of Spices presidential-level security to which she will be borrowing on behalf of President Biden.

“I believe the younger generation is in need of someone to look up to. Someone who is fearless, will put their country before themself, someone who will lead the youth to change the world and shape a better tomorrow. Who is a better fit for the job than Ms. Spice?” said Biden’s head of security, Skete Davidson, in a press conference last Saturday.

Originally, Drake, a rapper from Toronto, was supposed to open for Spice at VHS prom. But, he has since unfollowed her on Instagram due to an undisclosed reason, and has been dropped from the gig.

“I’m really glad it’ll only be Spice performing.

All Drake would’ve done is try to take away her spotlight.

He and his manager fought hard to keep his spot because apparently he’s struggling financially, but what Spice wants Spice gets,” said Booch.

This performance will be a huge milestone in the history of VHS. Administration and staff will welcome Spice with open arms in hopes of inspiring the younger generation to succeed in academics and pursue a career to become productive members of society.

A&E The Weeknd is holding a fundraiser concert in collaboration with Ventura High School

Famous rapper, The Weeknd will be coming to VHS to hold a very special and exclusive event to VHS students only

kinda cool On Friday, April 14, the famous rapper The Weeknd is coming to VHS. Principal Dee Zaster said, “We are very excited to be collaborating with [The Weeknd] on this event. We will be hosting a fundraiser concert Friday, April 14.”

All the benefits of the concert will be going towards school expenses such as new computers, new books and new gym equipment.

The concert will be held on the roof of VHS and tickets range from 25 dollars to 250 dollars and can be bought in rooms 104/105.

A 25 dollar ticket will get a view of the senior lawn, as you’d be standing right on the edge of the roof, unable to move or look forward due to the crowd. Meanwhile, with a $250 ticket, you get to be right in the very front, singing and dancing along with The Weeknd himself, and hopefully, you don’t get crushed by the obnoxious and annoying people standing right behind you.

Lucy Fer ‘25 said, “I think it’s very exciting

The Kougar Press Page 9

VHS seniors with over 10 absences forced to have Grad Nite at Chuck E. Cheese

Seniors with “excessive absences” to be punished with animatronics and recycled pizza

McSwagger

Tickets to the fundraiser concert range from 25 to 250 dollars, tickets are being sold now in rooms 104/105. Graphic By: kinda cool

especially since not a lot of concerts are held near [Ventura], and I think it’s a great opportunity to hang out with friends, as well as being able to see [The Weeknd] at such a low price.”

Ted E. Baer ‘26 said, “[I think that this event] is [going to] be really nice.

Everyone said that high school would be really nice and fun but I didn’t expect to see something like this happen. [I just moved here] and I expected to have a hard time with school and making friends, but this sounds like a really good event to go to

and have fun at.”

This is a one-of-akind event and many VHS students are very excited about it, especially since tickets are not that much compared to other concert prices, and, remember, will be supporting a very good cause.

I can assure you it will be a very fun event, therefore I encourage you guys to consider attending and come purchase your tickets from room 104/105.

Tickets are being sold up until Wednesday, April 12 or sellout.

Have you been brainwashed by Loop 83?

Ventura Unified School District has just announced that Grad Nite for VHS seniors with 10 or more unexcused period absences will be held at Chuck E. Cheese.

Seniors who have already purchased tickets will not be able to attend the Universal Studios Grad Nite as originally planned, but will instead have to walk to Chuck E. Cheese in a single file line with a few chaperones. It is there that they will find the plethora of animatronics and recycled pizza that their $219 ticket will have covered.

Lily Minzanon ‘23 said, “Personally, I prefer this to Universal. We can recreate ‘Five Nights at Freddy’s,’ except whoever is found first will have to eat the expired pizza.”

VUSD reportedly stated that they chose Chuck E. Cheese as the Grad Nite location for students with excessive absences after reading a 1 star Yelp review detailing the food poisoning the reviewer’s son got from the pizza and the lifelong trauma the reviewer would sustain upon seeing the animatronics re-enact a scene from “Magic Mike.”

An anonymous district employee said, “Those kids are going to be paying way more for therapy than they did for their ticket after going to that hellhole. If that doesn’t teach them to show up to school then I don’t know what will.”

It is rumored that even the Chuck E. Cheese staff tried to persuade the district from planning Grad Nite there.

However, it wasn’t because they were concerned for the student’s well being, but rather they didn’t want to deal with the horde of seniors planned to show up.

Rory Langestin, a Chuck E. Cheese employee, said, “This is a minimum wage job. We already have to keep the animatronics in check to make sure they don’t tear the place apart, so having a group of 17 year olds to take care of would be a nightmare.”

Despite complaints, VUSD has remained firm in their decision to hold Grad Night for absentees at the restaurant. They have also ensured that students will attend the event by threatening to send them to Pacific High School if they don’t. They are reportedly advertising the night with the mocking slogan, “this time you have to show up.”

Loop 83 members use mind control to gain supporters

Pipi

Loop 83’s former manager, Nick Mo ‘23, has come clean and confessed what the band had done in order to

forced me to stay as their manager.”

Mo said, “I was backstage one time and I saw Jack Gordon and Reid Kemble practicing telekinesis. I could hardly

Has Loop 83 been brainwashing students to support their band?

After being confronted with accusations, the truth has been released. Graphic by: Pipi

acquire a following.

Mo said, “My first day on the job I wasn’t too sure if I wanted to work for such a narcissistic band, but they threatened me with my life and

believe my eyes. I was about to go unnoticed but Jack saw me. I could hear him speak to me in my mind but when I was standing before him, his lips weren’t moving.”

Mo was too traumatized to further discuss this encounter with Gordon and what he had telepathically told him. However, one of Loop 83’s mega fans agreed to be interviewed by us and give a statement.

VHS teacher Christmas Galo describes himself as Loop 83’s mega fan and has a whole room in his house devoted to the band.

Galo said, “I remember waking up one day feeling the need to download their whole album and listen to it for hours. Something in their music spoke to me. As I listened to their song ‘Malibu,’ I went unconscious and heard Jack Gordon whispering threats to me.

After a couple minutes I regained consciousness and immediately began transforming my bedroom to a Loop 83 room which displayed their CD’s, handmade posters and pictures from their live shows.”

When confronted,

Loop 83 is awesome. Loop 83 is awesome. Loop 83 is awesome.

Loop 83 is awesome. Graphic by: Pipi

lead singer Foothill Technology High School’s Aidan Connelly ‘23 admitted that they had used telekinesis to influence people’s opinions about their band.

Connelly said, “We only began to use mind control after our first album came out. We already had a following but we wanted people to

think that we were the best band ever created.

Jack did go a little too far when influencing Christmas Galo to devote part of his house to us but it doesn’t hurt anybody so I guess it is fine.”

Have the members of the band Loop 83 been brainwashing their fans, or are they only being faced with accusations?

The Kougar Press Page 10

For: Why the future is vegan We must listen to the experts

Nada Everyone knows veganism is the way of the future. It’s all anyone talks about. I read it everywhere.

Therefore, we must obey.

There’s simply no other way.

I remember when I first heard about veganism, I still ate fast food. I felt sick after eating a regular hamburger combo with a large soda and large french

fries. Meat is the enemy, and ground beef patties are symbolic of everything wrong with the American diet today.

I feel like eating plant-based meat is good even though it has more ingredients than real meat because it’s totally plantbased. It doesn’t matter that I can’t pronounce most ingredients on the label because I’m sure the shareholders of Beyond

Food labels are infallible. Because seed oils are labelled as heart healthy, they have to be so. Organizations cannot be bought in this country. Plus, it’s all vegan. Photo by: Nada

Opinion Meat have my best interests at heart. Besides, it’s not like the FDA would approve anything unhealthy.

It’s so outrageous for humans to be still eating meat in 2023. Nothing means more to me than being a pawn in the chess game against climate change. That was so last century ago! I know the food pyramid told us to limit dairy and meat, but it’s not enough! We need to force breakfast restaurants to stop serving factory-farmed eggs cooked in vegetable oil.

Instead, they should serve Just Egg cooked in soybean oil. I love soy lecithin and mung bean protein isolate.

Nothing makes me feel better than gellan gum with expeller-pressed canola oil.

Plus, I’m sure chickens will stop laying eggs once we stop eating them.

I read this article once about why animalbased diets are better than plant-based ones. It was so misogynistic and racist. I don’t understand how animals can be raised sustainability. It’s not in my environmental science textbook.

It must be propaganda from big meat.

There are no alternatives to veganism, except for maybe

vegetarianism, but even then, vegetarians are a bit mean.

Jeffery Dunce ‘26 said, “Eating meat is so bad for the planet and so mean to the animals. I hope VHS starts doing meatless Mondays so there can be less mean testosterone on campus. We need to care for the Earth by going vegan and listening to the experts at the World Economic Forum like Al Gore.”

Meat symbolizes toxic masculinity. There’s nothing more toxically

should still definitely be most accustomed to eating purely raw meat and be able to sustain themselves on it, despite the newworld technologies that have made agriculture and fresh produce much more accessible to the common human as of now compared to back then.

Secondly, it also shouldn’t matter that all humans come from diverse backgrounds, and therefore, a variety of genes and factors determine what the best diet for us is. No, the best diet for absolutely everyone purely consists of meat and animal-based products, we must avoid plants at all costs. You must realize that being encouraged to eat plants is a tactic set up by the government to keep you from rebelling against them.

While plants may be able to provide important nutrients such as vitamin C, it shouldn’t matter as it’s easily able to be substituted by eating raw meat, blubber or egg shells, which can obviously be easily done. It also may be worth noting that no meat or any animal-based product

possesses fiber like fruits and vegetables do, but this is alright with me as I am willing to take on effects such as constipation if it means I can keep my dignity and sense of masculinity.

masculine than eating a steak as big as a plate.

I’m not religious, but I am spiritual, and the Catholic Church is right about meatless Fridays and carnal desires. I don’t get why we can’t just love one another from the Metaverse while living in our pods.

Adonis Erudite ‘24 said, “How can someone call themselves a man and not eat meat? Veganism is asinine.”

Continued on. . . thekougarpress.org

You are what you eat, so you might as well eat a vegetable.

It’s best for the planet. Photo by: Nada

Against: We are designed to eat meat, why are we stopping?

Eating animal-based diets is the only thing humans should ever do

Invalid Opinions Only Despite what all the news media and experts say nowadays, eating only meat and animal-based products is the best thing you can do for your body. Veganism is simply propaganda put up by the government to keep us within the matrix and to keep the common man at bay.

Millions of years

ago, before the current modern day, our ancestors only ate meat and rarely, if ever, ate vegetables.

Frankly, it shouldn’t matter that they ate only meat out of the necessity to live and that their living circumstances made it difficult to sustain oneself on any type of plant.

It’s not as though our bodies and natural physiology have changed drastically since that era; the average person

Eating meat is one of the best revivors for masculinity. Embrace natural masculinity and change your diet to be purely meat and animal-based for the sake of your dignity and respect for yourself.

Graphic by: Invalid Opinions Only

is to improve your health, she simply has fallen for the average misconception that plants are good for you. In fact, when humans started eating plants, the average human height decreased. It

Humans have been eating meat since the old days, we can go as far back as our existence. So, what’s the point in eating plants? Nothing.

Humans should not being eating that mush. Graphic by: Invalid Opinions Only

Delaney Rancher ‘24 said, “I think that eating a balanced diet is best, I don’t think that eating too much meat or even too many plants is healthy. Anything in excess is never the best solution to something.

Also, everyone has different bodies so different foods suit them best.”

Although Rancher believes that a balanced diet between all food categories

shouldn’t matter that there were also other factors in play and that our life span has increased incredibly when produce was much more accessible. The fact that your lifespan can increase and grow longer than what it was by eating plant-based foods is also another ploy set up by the government and news media to trick you, you mustn’t believe them if you want to break out of the matrix.

Opinion

Sunglasses are now required to enter Ventura High School

VHS administration introduces yet another rule to campus

Queen Elizabeth the II Jack Falk Spooderman Ventura Unified School District is now introducing a new rule to students and it is the best idea they have ever had for students’ education.

Sunglasses are now required to enter campus and to attend classes. This new rule will go into effect for the entirety of VUSD in the upcoming 202324 school year.

VUSD got this idea originally from a study done by the American Government in which they gave ten sunglasses to ten students and compared them to a control group of 20 students who were not given the sunglasses. Overall, the ten students with sunglasses did better on tests and classwork by 99 percent.

Joe Mama ‘26 said, “I love this new concept. I think it’s excellent that we can really lean into the surfer stereotype of Ventura. Now we can all wear sunglasses and pretend we are awake during classes!”

Although many students have the same strong opinion of the new rule, many others believe that this will turn into a competition between students.

This new sign will be taped onto the attendance window in the upcoming school year to remind students that they must wear their sunglasses. Graphic by: Queen Elizabeth II

Janey Doey ‘24 said, “I have to have Prada sunglasses when this new rule goes into effect next year. I have to have better sunglasses than everyone, and on top of that I have to buy multiple pairs for all of my outfits. The school should give every single students at least $400 dollars for these sunglasses.”

Another aspect of having to wear sunglasses to school is that the Buena High School and VHS rivalry will now include who has the better sunglasses at Friday night football games. “VHS is the best,” as cheerleaders like to say, so why not incorporate this so-called healthy competition between rivalry schools?

Ricky Tickie ‘26 said, “As a new VHS students who just got to experience the ups and downs of high school football, I think it’s a great idea to wear sunglasses to football games. We can compete with BHS during the rivalry game to see who has the best sunglasses. I think we should even have spirit days with them [sunglasses]. For example, during finals when ASB brings the petting zoo we can make them wear sunglasses. I think that’ll be funny.”

Ultimately, whether you like the new rule of wearing sunglasses to enter campus or not, we will all have to look as though we are heading to the beach in the upcoming school year.

The Kougar Press Page 11

Blackberries vs. Smartphones

Is girth really better than length?

Jessie Pinkman Lots of big changes are coming to VHS at the end of the year, some affecting the school, others affecting the personal lives of students. One of these changes is replacing all VHS students’ phones with Blackberries.

At the end of the school year, every student will drop their phone into a bucket which will then be funneled off to a local Goodwill. These students will not leave empty handed, because they will be compensated with a brand new Blackberry.

These changes will only be held within VHS, rather than the county, as an experimental procedure. If things go well and the board sees that test scores and overall grades improve, these Blackberries could spread all over the county, and possibly the nation.

As one could believe, most students are outraged while others are indifferent.

However, I believe this will be a good change to students and parents alike. From the department of resources, Colonel Raspberry is the man responsible for the changes.

Starbucks in the Ventura High School cafeteria?

Raspberry said, “I believe that changing out these phones will be a great plan to influence students to stay off their phones during class, and to also keep them off their phones in their daily lives.

Now more than ever, high schoolers have been entranced in their cellular devices. Now without that smart technology, students will be able to learn and study free of distraction.”

I agree with Raspberry.

Along with the idea of screen time getting cut, students typing and keyboard skills will improve due to the built in keyboard on a Blackberry.

Stephen Strawberry ‘23 said, “It sucks because I spend all this money on my iPhone and they think they can just take it away? I say no [to having my phone replaced]” This is something I do agree with, however, with the phones being donated to Goodwill, it will be more appreciated and treasured by a kid in need rather than a highschool student who already has a lot.

Overall, this could be a silver lining in the storm, something good can come out of this and it will make us more connected in reality rather than artificially or on social media.

VHS students finally get what they want, a Starbucks in the Cafeteria

Gringa

Now we all know what Starbucks is, and if you’re not crazy, you love it. Starbucks is one of the most popular coffee shops in the world. It has coffee, frappuccinos, refreshers, teas, breakfast items, lunch

joke but I ended up getting over half the school to sign it.”

This petition even caught the attention of Starbucks CEO Showard Hultz via Instagram through the account Clay made to spread awareness

New sign posted in the cafeteria advertising the Starbucks opening soon. Photo by: Gringa

items and much more.

There has been a petition going around started by Jasmine Clay ‘23. She said, “I wanted a coffee shop accessible at school, so I thought why not start a petition?

It honestly started off as a

about her petition.

“I thought the idea was funny and cute, so I thought why not? I’ve never put a Starbucks in a public high school’s cafeteria before, and I sure as h*ll have the funds for it,” said Schultz.

Clay had many meetings with the VHS administration and the VUSD board to get this approved.

“We were hesitant at first because of how busy our cafeteria already is, but I am a Starbucks lover myself,” said VHS assistant principal Patricia Cornwell.

Plus, think about how much time a Starbucks in the cafeteria will save.

Students no longer have to rush off campus at lunch to grab a coffee, they can stay on VHS campus and still get their drink. This means less tardy students to their classes after lunch.

Another benefit to be mentioned is that with an easier acess to coffee, students can be more alert in class. With coffee so close, students will have no choice but to buy some if they are feeling tired or drowsy. This will help to increase the awakeness of students, especially towards the end of the day when they are feeling tired and unmotivated in their classes.

VHS students will also have the oppritunity to work at the Starbucks on campus. So not only will the Starbucks help students stay alert in class and save

Cece Wizz ‘23 order from the new Starbucks. Photo by: Gringa

time, but it will also open up jobs to VHS students who could benefit from job experience.

“When I found out we were going to have a Starbucks on campus I was ecstatic. I love coffee just as much as the next girl, so this is going to be great,” said Claire West ‘23.

“I’m happy to give the students of VHS a chance to get some

caffeine in the morning,” said Shultz.

The Starbucks will be built for the next few weeks in the VHS cafeteria. “I’m having my best crew come in to build this Starbucks,” said Schultz.

“I’m so happy that what started out as a joke petition came to life! I think Starbucks will be a hit,” said Clay.

The Kougar Press Page 12

Distractions

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