"Dance Moms" dictator enlisted to save the math department

Lifetime’s very own Abby Lee Miller has been called in to coach math teachers in scare tactics.

Ventura High School has been living with a dilemma: only 30% of students are proficient in math. Now, the question is, what is the reason? Well, whether it be because of bad teachers or unmotivated students, the board has become desperate and resorted to their final option. Meet Abby Lee Miller– the terrifying dance teacher from hell, known for her starring role in Lifetime’s reality series, “Dance Moms.” Miller’s signature specialty has been demoralizing young girls into crying and competitively comparing every last drop of themselves to their peers. The best part, however, is the fact that these girls ALWAYS win. No matter how illegal it may sound, whatever Miller is doing has worked, and it’s time for Ventura High to give it a try.

Now, of course, there will not be reality TV cameras documenting the math classes (because that would be crazy), but Miller will indeed be spending the next five months grilling each and every math teacher on how to use fear and sadness to trigger a classroom of winners.

In addition to giving the math teachers useful tips, Miller also plans on teaching a variety of math classes next school year. Miller will take these classes head-on!

Photo by: Kevin Jonas

Beware to all math teachers; you will leave each day either sobbing or excited to terrify students. Essentially, the meaner you are, the better your classroom stats will become. Not to mention, Miller has had her share of time in prison, and an inside source tells us that she is planning on teaching some of the tactics she picked up there as well.

If you are a student becoming nervous upon hearing this news, not to worry, everyone else is too! VHS sophomore Zaddie Miegler explained, “I am a raging “Dance Moms” stan. Ever since I was little, I have sat with my eyes glued to the TV as Abby Lee permanently scars young dancers. Now don’t get me wrong, I have been eager to meet Abby Lee for years, but I never expected to be put in the danger zone. As much as I would like my math grade to lift from a C to an A, I’m worried about the trauma both my math teacher and I will endure to get there.”

When met earlier this week by a mob of paparazzi, Miller said in a Hollywood Fix clip, “I’m ready to make middleaged men cry. It’s time for me to level up. There is no reason for that school to be so bad at math. I almost feel bad for them! I am overjoyed to have been given the opportunity to completely turn their path around. I may be scary, but I get the job done. Check out my LinkedIn profile! I have no limits and I love money. Jail doesn’t scare me anymore, so bring on the challenge!”

Some may be concerned about Miller’s past run-ins with the law. While yes, she did indeed spend over a year in jail for bankruptcy fraud, the imprisonment had nothing to do with the mental abuse she inflicted on young children. Not to fear, she got away with that! So, let’s leave the past in the past. An ex-con might just spice up our lives on campus!

After hearing this, students and teachers might feel scared, anxious, or even eager to see what Miller has in store for their future. Could VHS even enter math competitions? A big fat trophy seems to be how Miller measures her success and the success of her students, so one could be in our future. It is not unlikely that within months, we will start seeing math teachers dressed in bedazzled tracksuits, extravagant nails, and cheesy hair clip-ins. Get ready VHS; Abby Lee is coming to town!