"The Bachelor" star Matt James to be teaching classes at VHS

Even we would take the normally dreaded College and Careers again just to get a chance to talk to him.

As it was announced May 31, Ventura High School will be expecting a new addition to our current staff and faculty. Bachelor contestant Matt James from Season 25 of ABC’s “The Bachelor” will be joining the Cougar fam after months of consideration.

In an email put out by principal Carl Charlisle, parents and legal guardians were notified that America’s biggest hunk would be appointed to VHS for two potential spots. College and Careers and Marriage & Family Planning are two classes offered which are designed to guide VHS students to making good life decisions and encourage students to not make rash decisions in the bedroom.

Long time librarian Zusanne Adimish appeared ecstatic at the news, “He’s just so dreamy… Oh sorry I sound so silly right now! I hope he asks me to chaperone the prom with him.”

The email Charlisle sent read, “After the unfortunate events that have occurred with previous College and Careers teachers and the continued need for an experienced individual to inform our students about sexual education, we knew our school needed someone capable and approachable. It was a no brainer to ask Mr. James to teach for our school considering he’s dependable and resembles the cucumber from Veggie Tales, giving him an admirable presence.”

The locations being considered for James’ teaching career were the 50’s wing on campus and the highly sought after portables.

However after extreme consideration, the decision was made that James would teach in the portables. We were fortunate enough to be alongside James during his first impressions of the location designated.

On the walk over to the portables, James mentioned, “Why does it feel as though I’m melting as we speak… this blacktop absorbs heat like some kind of magnet…”

Upon entering his awaited classroom, James stated, “What—why is the ceiling so low.

Why is it flooded in here… the last rainfall was four months ago. It reeks in here—like something died in the vents—why are the ceiling tiles falling as I speak… Is that a pickle jar...why are there no actual pickles left… I—.” He continued, “Why did I sign the contract, this was such a mistake.”

James’ first impressions of his soon-to-be classroom were those of discontent to say the least. A statement put out by Charlisle after deliberate attempts to get us to not publish James’ first impression read, “The classroom Matt James walked into was actually one reserved for a math teacher. We plan to have James teach in our extra special and considerably cleaner portable classroom.”

When we asked James what he was most looking forward to he responded, “I can’t wait to receive countless posters around school from the fabulous ASB here at VHS for no apparent reason.” We can all count on ASB to give James a warm welcome and make his stay hospitable.

The Bachelor star has said he hopes to spread one important message to students, stating, “I hope to teach kids why it’s always a bad idea to date 30 women at the same time.”