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The Bougar Press April Fools Edition Page 2
VHS teachers arrested for embezzlement “Dance Moms” dictator enlisted to save the math department Over $1,000 worth of Science Fair money in order to fund Thai Food Feast. Jaroline Duggar In an effort to avoid controversy during a pending trial, teachers’ names will not be revealed. Back in Feb. 2020, many VHS science students signed up for the county science fair. This sign up included a permission slip and a $10 entry fee. Soon after the students registered, the science fair was called off due to the COVID-19 pandemic outbreak. However, when the fair was canceled, students did not receive a refund of any kind. This led junior Sleuthy Sherlock to look into where the hundreds of dollars worth of science fair registration money went. “I just was getting all my ducks in a row for the transition to online school, and I was wondering if I would get my science fair registration money back? I asked around to some fellow classmates if anyone else got their money back, and no one had. This raised some red flags and I
the staff of Lucky Thai. After a short conversation with the Lucky Thai staff, Sherlock recorded a conversation with the manager of Lucky Thai on tape on March 19. Sherlock has generously given access to this exclusive interview. “Well, a few days ago, there was a pretty interesting group who picked up some food. They came in giggling, whispering amongst themselves, ‘The kids won’t know what hit ‘em. They won’t notice if we use it,’ and things like that. They definitely bought some of the best and most expensive food on the menu too. They said they would be back again soon and that they had lots of money to spend,” said the Lucky Thai manager. Sherlock also was given the receipt from the order, which consisted of: seven boba teas, six pad see ew, four pad thai, one tom yung goong, three yellow curry, 10 fried rice and 20 sticky rice with mango. The order totaled $456.73.
This Instagram post was captioned, “Free from school! Happy quarantine! #sogladsciencefairiscanceled #treatyourself #ajobwelldone” and led junior Sleuthy Sherlock to dig deeper. Photo from: @ilovephysics began to investigate,” said Sherlock. While on social media, on March 17, Sherlock discovered a male VHS physics teacher had posted a photo of himself on Instagram, along with a male and female chemistry teacher eating loads of Thai food. The post was captioned, “Free from school! Happy quarantine! #sogladsciencefairiscanceled #treatyourself #ajobwelldone.” Sherlock thought the situation was peculiar, “So many science teachers, the ones who had science fair students, were all hanging out, eating so much food and the post was captioned in such a cryptic way, I couldn’t just let this go,” stated Sherlock. This led him to look closer. He noticed the boxes were labeled “Lucky Thai,” so he headed down towards the beach to interview
Sherlock decided that this was just too crazy, so he contacted the school, “I went to administration and was surprised to find out that they had actually had over $1000 of science fair registration money go missing. They decided to look into it just as a precautionary measure. Turns out it was the science teachers!” said Sherlock. The school decided to take the case to court. The verdict is set to be revealed in May. The teachers have since been put on paid leave. When asked for a comment, the teachers released a group statement, “We were just partying being let out of school and we were hungry. We thought no one would notice the money was gone. We just love Thai food so much! We take full responsibility and regret the decision fully.”
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Kevin Jonas Jaroline Duggar
Lifetime’s very own Abby Lee Miller has been called in to coach math teachers in scare tactics. Kevin Jonas
Ventura High School has been living with a dilemma: only 30% of students are proficient in math. Now, the question is, what is the reason? Well, whether it be because of bad teachers or unmotivated students, the board has become desperate and resorted to their final option. Meet Abby Lee Miller– the terrifying dance teacher from hell, known for her starring role in Lifetime’s reality series, “Dance Moms.” Miller’s signature specialty has been demoralizing young girls into crying and competitively comparing every last drop of themselves to their peers. The best part, however, is the fact that these girls ALWAYS win. No matter how illegal it may sound, whatever Miller is doing has worked, and it’s time for Ventura High to give it a try. Now, of course, there will not be reality TV cameras documenting the math classes (because that would be crazy), but Miller will indeed be spending the next five months grilling each and every math teacher on how to use fear and sadness to trigger a classroom of winners. Beware to all math teachers; you will leave each day either sobbing or excited to terrify students. Essentially, the meaner you are, the better your classroom stats will become. Not to mention, Miller has had her
Miller and her squad of math teachers are on the path to rise to the top, no matter what obstacles come in their way. Photo by: Kevin Jonas
share of time in prison, and an inside source tells us that she is planning on teaching some of the tactics she picked up there as well. If you are a student becoming nervous upon hearing this news, not to worry, everyone else is too! VHS sophomore Zaddie Miegler explained, “I am a raging “Dance Moms” stan. Ever since I was little, I have sat with my eyes glued to the TV as Abby Lee permanently scars young dancers. Now don’t get me wrong, I have been eager to meet Abby Lee for years, but I never expected to be put in the danger zone. As much as I would like my math grade to lift from a C to an A, I’m worried about the trauma both my math teacher and I will endure to get there.” When met earlier this
In addition to giving the math teachers useful tips, Miller also plans on teaching a variety of math classes next school year. Miller will take these classes head-on! Photo by: Kevin Jonas
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week by a mob of paparazzi, Miller said in a Hollywood Fix clip, “I’m ready to make middleaged men cry. It’s time for me to level up. There is no reason for that school to be so bad at math. I almost feel bad for them! I am overjoyed to have been given the opportunity to completely turn their path around. I may be scary, but I get the job done. Check out my LinkedIn profile! I have no limits and I love money. Jail doesn’t scare me anymore, so bring on the challenge!” Some may be concerned about Miller’s past run-ins with the law. While yes, she did indeed spend over a year in jail for bankruptcy fraud, the imprisonment had nothing to do with the mental abuse she inflicted on young children. Not to fear, she got away with that! So, let’s leave the past in the past. An ex-con might just spice up our lives on campus! After hearing this, students and teachers might feel scared, anxious, or even eager to see what Miller has in store for their future. Could VHS even enter math competitions? A big fat trophy seems to be how Miller measures her success and the success of her students, so one could be in our future. It is not unlikely that within months, we will start seeing math teachers dressed in bedazzled tracksuits, extravagant nails, and cheesy hair clip-ins. Get ready VHS; Abby Lee is coming to town!
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Our Mission Statement The Bougar Press is a completely administration-run, private forum of Ventura High School and the surrounding community. As a publication, we strive to fairly remove all the toes of all our enemies and competitors. We encourage others to do the same, as support from our community only increases the quantity of toe removals. We can be contacted at thebougarpressvhs@gmail.com and will get back to you within 73 business days with a vague, single word answer.
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