Family Matters - Issue 3

Issue 3 - October 2022 FESTIVALS PARENTING FOOD JKIDS EWISH WORLD LIFESTYLE RELATIONSHIPS Special Feature: Jewish Women in Leadership Choosing the Right School for Your Child My Bronchi Baby DFriendson’tLie Or Can They? Thought-ProvokingJewishPodcasts SWeeknightuppersMadeSimple

We also have an array of parenting articles that we hope you’ll find helpful, including some invaluable tips on children and sleep from child psychologist and professor Irvine Gersch, advice on creating a strong connection between school and home from our own Sarah Silkin, and guidelines from Rabbi Malcolm Herman to help you tackle the questions your children might ask about divorce

Wishing you a Shana Tova U’Metuka!

National Director: Rabbi Joey Grunfeld

Advertising: Shosh Greenberg, Malki Katz

Contributors: Lisa Antian, Professor Irvine Gersch, Rabbi Yisroel Moshe Guttentag, Benjy Landau, Talya Ressel

Rabbi Gary Bazak, Rebbetzen Joanne Dove, Elisheva Fisher, Shosh Greenberg, Rabbi Avraham Hassan, Rabbi Malcolm Herman, Rabbi Aron Litwin, Mirele Mordecai, Debbie Rosenberg, Rebbetzen Gila Ross, Rabbi Samuel Ross, Hannah Sher, Sarah Silkin

to Issue 3 of the Seed Family Matters magazine!

I

To share your thoughts about anything you’ve read in the magazine, please feel free to email me at jboxer@seed.uk.net.

Don’t miss our mouth-watering report on the Skittles factory in the Czech Republic, thoughts from Rabbi Gary Bazak on Judaism and the World Cup and a very special feature on Jewish women in leadership – including the highly-accomplished entrepreneur and CEO Karen Harris.

Editor: JessicaDBoxerebbie Rosenberg

SPrinting:taffwriters:

Art Director: Howard YaffeDesigner: Rabbi Adam Edwards, Robyn Samir

Issue 3 - October 2022 1 Seed Issue 3 - October 2022

Rabbi Malcolm HermanCEO: Shosh GreenbergOperations Director:

I

...with thanks to all of the Seed team for their ongoing hard work and support.

hope you had a lovely summer break (it probably seems like a distant memory now!) and that your children are starting to settle nicely into the new school year.We are now in the midst of some of the holiest days of the Jewish calendar, so our team of educators open this magazine by answering questions such as “Why do so many Jews fast on Yom Kippur?” and “Why do we have four chagim in less than a month?” We also meet lulav and etrog seller Stephen Colman and explore the impact of giving tzedaka with Rebbetzen Gila Ross.

Proof-reading: City Printing

4 FOUR IN ONE

Including expert tips on children, sleep and anxiety CONNECTING HOME AND SCHOOL

Thoughts from a first year in Israel DANIELLE AND JOANNEA CONVERSATION

Jewish World

Thoughts from Rabbi Aron Litwin IN THE FAST LANE

Director of Seed Manchester ALIYAH ANECDOTES

22

26

36 DIFFICULT QUESTIONS CHILDREN ASK: FRIENDS DIVORCING

Parenting

28

32 CHOOSING THE RIGHT SCHOOL FOR YOUR CHILD

8 LIFE

6 THE

So many chagim, so little time! HIGH HOLIDAYS JEWISH GUILT

Insights from Rebbetzen Gila Ross AND HAPPINESS

12 SUKKOT

Can you fake it 'til you make it Festivals

Rebbetzen Dove talks to handbag designer Danielle Bernadout

With Seed CEO Rabbi Malcolm Herman THE AMAZING WORLD OF THE LITTLE SLEEP DOCTORS

JEWISH WOMEN IN LEADERSHIP Q&A with Dalia Davis, Karen Harris and Naomi Lerer 15 MINUTES WITH RABBI SHAYA GRUNFELD

AND

38

FRCHILDRQDIFFICULTUESTIONSENASK:IENDSDIVORCING PAGE 36 PAGE 50 TOP 10 TIPS FOR UPPING YOUR IN-LAW GAME 15 MINUTES WITH RABBI SHAYA GRUNFELD PAGE 22 THE HIGH HOLIDAYS AND JEWISH GUILT PAGE 6 Issue 3 - October 20222

10 CAN

By Seed Schools Programme Manager Mirele Mordecai

16 SPECIAL FEATURE:

42

Why do so many Jews fast on Yom Kippur? THE LAWS OF TZEDAKA MAKE YOU A BETTER PERSON?

How parents can become partners

46 THE SPACE BETWEEN And how to manage ‘blurt it out’ disease

Unscramble the words, find your way through a shofar maze, and challenge yourself with our first Family Matters crossword!

Lifestyle

MADE SIMPLE

62 COST OF LIVING CRISIS

78 PUZZLES & GAMES

Editor Jessica Boxer shares her story

Stephen Colman

SKITTLES: A COLOURFUL AND FRUITY KOSHER JOURNEY MEET LULAV & SALESMANETROG STEPHEN COLMAN PAGE 56 COST OF LIVING CRISIS: SEEING THE FOREST, NOT THE TREES PAGE 62 ON THE WORLD CUP PAGE 64 PAGE 70 Issue 3 - October 2022

48 DO YOU WANT TO BE RIGHT OR HAPPY?

OF THE PAST YEAR AT SEED

7 recipes from the Seed team

With Rabbi Gary Bazak

66 RAINY DAYS OUT THAT WON'T BREAK THE BANK

Keeping the kids and the credit card happy

60 MEMORABLE MOMENTS

3 tools to navigate conflict in a marriage

Our team looks back on a jam packed year

Seeing the forest, not the trees

73 WEEKNIGHT SUPPERS

50 TOP 10 TIPS FOR UPPING YOUR IN-LAW GAME

REAL WORLD INSIGHTS ON YOUR LULAV AND ETROG

76 ARTS & CRAFTS

68 THOUGHT-PROVOKING JEWISH PODCASTS

56

OR

52 MY BRONCHI BABY

A Jew’s eye view on the iconic line from Stranger Things

With expert salesman

70 SKITTLES: A COLOURFUL AND FRUITY KOSHER JOURNEY

44 “FRIENDS DON'T LIE”CAN THEY?

Create a kindness wheel, make your own Sukkah photo frame and more!

KidsFood

64 ON THE WORLD CUP

3 essential podcasts to listen to today

3

RelationshipsJewishLife

A kashrut expert visits the factory in the Czech Republic

4 Issue 3 - October 2022

In addition, the spiritual cleansing we achieve on Yom Kippur should produce a good happy glow inside us, which is why Sukkot is called ‘zeman simchatenu’, the season of rejoicing. We channel this happiness into the realisation that it’s our beautiful Torah which gives us the edge in life on Shemini Atzeret and Simchat Torah.

Now comes Sukkot. Leave your palatial houses… (have you ever visited the ancient castles of royalty and seen how poor their living conditions were compared to ours?) and spend a week in a hut. Try to impress on yourselves the transience of this life and continue to have that focus on getting your priorities in better order for the coming year

not being addressed. Once we take stock and do OUR bit, we will find it easier to regret misdemeanours, make up with those we have hurt, and receive forgiveness from them and G-d.

or the chef in the home, this means planning, shopping and cooking for a very large number of meals. For those who go to shul, it means a very large number of hours spent with a siddur in hand.

F

By Rabbi Avraham Hassan

Four in One!

Life tools for Jewish Families

Hey G-d, give us a chance! Could You not have given us a bit of breathing space?

F

But He didn’t. Methinks there must be a reason for that! First comes a day of judgement. We are judged for the whole of the past year, and then, based on that, judged on what is going to come our way next year. This is followed by a day of forgiveness (if we regret the past misdemeanours). Would it not have made more sense to first forgive then judge? Would that not make it easier for us? Again, there must be a reason. Here is a conceptual sequence On Rosh Hashanah we are forced (if we care enough) to stock take. Once a year, before there is too much accumulation, we put our house in order. Leaving it longer might result in lots of issues

Rabbi Avraham Hassan has been working at Seed for 35 years and was the original leader of ‘Northern Seed’, running One2One programmes and lecturing on our seminars. He has a long list of illustrious students who are educators themselves, including Rabbi Akiva Tatz. As well as being Seed Manchester’s Senior Rabbinic Advisor, he gives a range of weekly classes on Jewish philosophy and mysticism, Jewish law and more

Four Chagim in one month: Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Sukkot and Shemini Atzeret together with Simchat Torah.

5Issue 3 - October 2022

In fact, these four festivals take place over the course of just over three weeks - 23 days to be precise. Even more crammed than we thought! And three of the four Yamim Tovim are two-day experiences.

Make the most of it!

Four in one means a short course in how to find true spiritual happiness. A chance to readjust our perspectives once a year And it’s clear why all four really belong together as one unit.

6 Issue 3 - October 2022

while back I saw a video advertising a fictitious app designed by Jewish grandmothers. The name of the app was all too direct about its core motive – it was called: “Would it kill you to call?”

You see, the word religion is associated with a list of rules that I have to follow – or in other words, a strain, a bother, a burden. A relationship is the complete opposite. A relationship is built upon love, desire and an array of opportunities to express my passion.

By Rabbi Aron Litwin

7Issue 3 - October 2022

"After all that we've done, what do we get in return?" Judith laments in true Yiddish grandma fashion, describing how grandmothers have worked so hard and given up so much for their grandchildren and that at the very least they deserve a regular phone call!

In the video, playing on the hearts of hundreds of guilt-ridden Jewish grandchildren, an octogenarian sits in front of the camera and says in a perfect Yiddish accent: "Hello everyone, my name is Judith Cohen. I'm the creator of this new app ‘Would it kill you to call?'"

The High Holidays and Jewish Guilt

A

the wind. They were embroiled in a bitter argument over who was stronger and more powerful. Each one claimed it was they who was the strongest. They decided to settle the dispute with a duel. An innocent fellow was walking down the street with a heavy winter coat - the one who would be able to get the coat off him first would be crowned the winner

The wind asked to go first, and out of nowhere a huge gale blew in the direction of the man. It almost swept the coat right off his back, but he managed to hold on to it by his fingernails. He then held on to the coat tighter than ever! The wind blew and blew, and even created a tornado that picked the man up into the air! All the while, the man held onto his coat for dear life

A

Issue 3 - Rosh Hashanah 2022

for religion is not to be found in the Torah, words that relate to a relationship are everywhere! The Shema talks about loving G-d, and the prayers on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur describe us as Hashem’s “child of delight”. The word ‘Elul’ – the month leading up to the so-called “fearsome” High Holidays is an acronym for the phrase “I am to my beloved and my beloved is to me”, which refers to our relationship with Hashem. There is an age-old tale told of the sun and

There are many possible answers, but a

Rather than being hard on ourselves, let’s dance our way into the High Holidays, feeling excited about the opportunities we are blessed with - the blessings of being a Jew. Oh and by the way… don’t forget to call your grandma!

She explains that her app automatically sends a text message to grandchildren who failed to make the weekly call, in order to prompt them to reach out: "So you took my Bar Mitzvah money but now I'm useless to you?" She promises: "It's that easy. With 'Would it kill you to call?' you'll always be hearing from your loved ones. Ask someone to put it on your phone today." The truth is that the app does not yet exist (although I see great, great potential in it). However, the concept of Jewish guilt is not new. It precedes even Judith Cohen. However, as I think we are all innately aware, guilt is not a constructive emotion. Honesty is crucial, and self-evaluation is essential, but not guilt. Guilt is ultimately a negative emotion that rarely leads us anywhere positive in the long term. If I asked you to define Judaism in one word, what would you say?

So if Judaism is a religion then why doesn’t it say so in the Torah?! Rabbi Benzion Klatzko explains that this is because Judaism is not a religion. Rather, it is a

The sun asked if he could have a try The warm sunshine allowed its rays to settle upon the man, who, upon feeling the warmth, removed his coat and hung it on a tree. The dispute was settled, and in this story there is a great life lesson for us all. When we try to use brute force and pressure to achieve something, we can only manage so much. With sunshine, warmth and love - the world is our oyster Many of us approach Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur with fear and dread. This is such a shame. We are about to enter a wonderful time, a time to take stock of the wonderful blessings in our lives, and to see what we can do to ensure we are living the lives we know we want to

Wrelationshiphilsttheword

The funny thing is that the Torah itself never uses the word ‘religion’. The Hebrew word for religion is ‘Dat’ and we don’t find this word anywhere in the five books of the Torah. (In a stark contrast, other major world religions are very clear that they consider themselves a religion.)

quick Google search will show: “Judaism is amongst the great religions of the world”. This seems fair, to call Judaism a religion - no?

Life in the Fast Lane

8 Issue 3 - October 2022

Essentially what we are saying is an extension of ‘Modeh Ani’thank you Hashem for giving me my soul for another day. My unique Jewish soul comes from G-d and is the source of my inherent goodness. My soul makes me part of the Jewish people, which has been chosen from all the other people for a special G-dly mission.

In the infamous story in the Torah, Korach challenges Moshe’s leadership of the Jewish people and questions the priesthood being given to his brother Aharon. When people began to buy into Korach's arguments, Moshe tried advocating for them to G-d and said "You are the G-d of souls, Who knows that the Jewish people remain faithful deep down inside, in the depths of their soul.”

In the words of one Israeli I spoke to when preparing this article: "I can’t tell you why Israelis choose Yom Kippur to be their day to be involved above the other festivals, but I think it's because they still believe in Hashem, even when they don’t keep other mitzvot. Maybe it's a way of saying “We know we are not doing the right thing, but we have a day to acknowledge that we didn’t do what we were supposed to do and to make up for it.” Maybe that’s the driving factor.”

In more recent times, striker Tomer Hemed was brought on towards the end of English team Queens Park Rangers’ 2-0 victory, after gobbling down bananas and pasta at close of Yom Kippur. “As an Israeli, he follows the Jewish religion meticulously, and today is Yom Kippur, which is the Day of Atonement,” Queens Park Rangers manager Steve McClaren told reporters before the game, when asked why Hemed was missing from the starting line-up Many other sportsmen - and indeed professionals from all sectors - will “opt out” on Yom Kippur; that seems to be their red line. So what is it that's so “prohibitive” about Yom Kippur that prevents so many from working, playing, eating and drinking?

Life tools for Jewish Families

There is an amazing blessing that we say each morning - ‘Elokai Neshama’ - the blessing for the soul. It says: "My G-d, the soul you have given me is pure - You created it, formed it and blew it into me and You safeguard it within me. Eventually You will take it from me and return it to me in the world to come."

1) Yom Kippur is the day when every Jew, whoever they are, can make a whole new beginning. Our greatgrandparents knew it in their hearts, our grandparents at least knew it in their minds, and even today we retain an echo of a communal memory inside our souls.

By Rabbi Samuel Ross

9Issue 3 - October 2022

D

Looking outside of Israel - in 1965, Sandy Koufax refused to pitch in Game One of the Baseball World Series in Minnesota because it was Yom Kippur. This was a big story at the time, and Koufax summed up his thoughts as follows: “A man is entitled to his belief, and I believe I should not work on Yom Kippur. It’s as simple as that, and I have never had any trouble on that account since I’ve been in baseball.”

D

Why do so many Jews

Rabbi Samuel Ross is the director of the Seed Manchester schools programme Rabbi Ross brings his passionate and dynamic style to his signature learning groups – Monday nights for men, Shabbos Treasures and Power Prayer –all of which are well-attended and full of energy

2) The Avodah – the original Yom Kippur service in the Beit Hamikdash (Temple) – had to be done by one person to atone for all of the Jewish people, even if that person was very far from being a tzaddik (righteous person).

Our souls remember this too, that one person a person like us if he or she fulls their special mission in life, can still make all the dierence in the world.

Perhaps it is not necessarily the sense of “prohibition” which drives so many people to fast, sit out the first half of a football match or choose not to work on Yom Kippur. Within each Jewish person there is a holy soul that wants a G-dly connection, wants more, knows there is more and perceives that Hashem is out there and wants us to connect to Him. And somehow, for millions of Jewish people, it is the holy day of Yom Kippur that re-ignites that deep-seated desire for “soul connection”.

Fast on Yom Kippur?

id you know that 93% of Israelis attend a Seder? Next up is Yom Kippur, with over 60% of Israelis fasting on this most holy of days in the Jewish calendar. It has often been discussed and debated why these particular days are taken so seriously, even by the most secular and unaffiliated of Jews. There are some tasty explanations as to why Seder night is such a big deal - just think of how many matza balls are consumed! But why do so many Jews push themselves to fulfil the (arguably more physically challenging) mitzvah of not eating or drinking for 25 hours on Yom Kippur? Yom Kippur is also the one day of the year when Israel shuts down completely. All businesses close, including all restaurants and places of leisure. Ben Gurion airport stops functioning, as does all public transport. As sundown approaches, all local radio and television broadcasts gradually fall silent.

Rabbi Yisroel Miller gives two beautiful explanations:

S

Tzedaka is one of those Jewish laws that makes sense… If there are two people, one who has the financial means and one who can’t afford the things they need, it makes sense that the one who has should help the one who doesn’t have. But why did G-d set the world up that way? Wouldn’t it be better to have a world without poverty?

1 Setting someone up to be financially independent by giving a loan or going into partnership with them Finding or giving someone a job also counts While these may not seem like tzedaka it is actually the highest form of charity, as it enables a person to maintain their dignity 2. Giving where both giver and recipient are anonymous. 3. Giving where the giver knows who they are giving to, but the recipient doesn’t know who gave. 4. The giver doesn’t know who they are giving to, but the recipient knows the donor. 5. Giving before being asked. 6 Giving after being asked 7 Giving less than what is being asked but giving gladly and with a smile 8 Giving begrudgingly 10 Issue 3 - October 2022

It’s a powerful mindset shift. Instead of seeing the person who is asking for support as a drain on my time, energy and resources, I can now train myself to see them as a person that is giving me an opportunity to flex my giving muscles. It’s a different way of thinking, and leads us to a different way of being.

Can the Laws of Tzedaka Actually Make youBetter Person?a

This mindset extends beyond just charity - it’s a different way of seeing life. That person driving so slowly in front of me isn’t just an annoying person, rather they represent an opportunity for me to practice my patience and compassion. That lonely neighbour who won’t stop talking? That’s an opportunity to practice empathy and kindness. That child who is always ‘pushing buttons’ is sent to help me develop into a better person. The people that we interact with are custom-made to stretch us in the ways that we need to be stretched.

King David asked G-d this question, to which G-d responded, “If I make all people economically equal, who will practice kindness and charity?” It’s not that G-d created the concept of charity because there are poor people - G-d created poverty so that we can practice kindness and charity G-d created an imperfect world, where some have and some don’t, so that we can partner with G-d and bring the world to a more perfect balanced state. And interestingly, no matter how much or how little one has, there is usually something that a person can still give! One can give of their food, their possessions, or even their time in order to help someone else

By Gila Ross

he was intrigued by my answer. Torah is called ‘Torat Chaim’ - the Torah of life. It offers us a holistic approach to life. A person who learns and lives Torah genuinely brings meaning and joy to their life and becomes a better person. Take for example the laws of charity. On the surface, they teach us about handling money, but take a second look and you will learn how to handle life. They teach us how to relate to other people, to ourselves and to life’s challenges and opportunities.

(although this wouldn’t excuse a person from their obligation to give a percentage of their income to charity).

S

When we tune into our purpose here in this world, which is to transform ourselves into better people and to choose G-d and good, we realise that just as poverty comes with its challenges, so does affluence. While we may feel like the challenges of affluence are more comfortable, spiritually they are no less a challenge than poverty

There are more gems to be found in the laws of giving charity Maimonides lists eight levels of giving charity, from the most optimal way to give to the least desirable:

“Why bother studying Torah?” a student once asked me. “My life is busy, I’m torn in so many directions, why would I add more to my schedule – wouldn’t that just stress me out?”

someone else may need before they have to ask us for help, to reach out and offer help, and to take care of their emotional needs by giving gladly and without making a person feel bad.

Life tools for Jewish Families

When we look at these eight different levels, we can see that how charity is given is so important. Charity that protects the recipient’s dignity is the highest level of charity. If we don’t have the means to set someone up to be financially independent, then the next best choice is to protect their dignity by giving Wanonymouslyeallknowhow hard it is to ask for help! So the onus is on us to develop the kindness and sensitivity to try and see what

11Issue 3 - October 2022

Rebbetzen Gila Ross is a Seed family educator based in Manchester with a passion for positive parenting and sharing the joy and relevance of Judaism. Find her on Instagram @itsgilaross and check out her fabulous podcast - Power Up!

G-d put us in a world rich with opportunities to develop ourselves, to become people who protect others’ dignity and take care of others’ needs – both physical and emotional. To become people who treat everyone with kindness and sensitivity, and in doing so, partner with G-d in making the world a better place

We all want to achieve happiness, but often make the mistake of confusing happiness with success. Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.

A rich man is actually poorer than a poor man. A man with £1m desires another £1m. A man with £1k only desires another £1k. Therefore, the man with £1m is losing out on the £1m he desires whilst the man with £1k is only losing out on the £1k he desires.

Western society commonly perceives happiness as the outcome of what you achieve and acquire

12 Issue 3 - October 2022

O

The Hebrew word for happiness is ‘simcha’ which is connected with the word ‘tzmicha’ - growth. Happiness is the experience that results from engaging in meaningful work and progression towards meaningful goals. Where there is meaningful growth, progress and expansion, there can be happiness.

n Sukkot we leave our comfortable and spacious homes and move into the flimsy sukkah. Here in the UK, the temperature can plummet and the wind could blow down our sukkah in a moment, yet the holiday of Sukkot is meant to be a ‘zeman simchatenu’ - a time of happiness. How can this yom tov represent happiness when we are living in such exposed and uncomfortable conditions?

O

On Sukkot, we leave the world of physical comforts and immerse ourselves in a world of growth. We spend these seven days with G-d, almost completely removed from the material world. We shift our focus from being comfortable to being growth-oriented, with the potential to become uplifted in a world of happiness. What better place could there be to remind ourselves that true happiness comes not from all the stuff we own, but from what we still have when stripped of all our possessions?

Happiness is a state of mind

"My whole life would improve if I had a new car..." “I just need a better job and then I can relax and be happy..."

You get the car, and what happens? For a whole week you're walking on air. Then you go right back to being unhappy Happiness doesn’t happen. Happiness is a state of mind. Orchot Tzadikim, one of the classic Jewish ethical works, says: “Happiness is never about having (possessions, status, friends, etc.); it is about being.” You can have everything in the world and still be miserable. Or, you can have relatively little and feel unbounded joy

Can You Fake It ‘til you make it? Sukkot and Happiness:

By Hannah Sher

The Mishnah says "Who is rich? The one who appreciates what he has." (Pirkei Avot 4:1)

Hannah Sher is the Early Years educator for Seed Manchester, running Babies & Bagels and Partytime Shabbat. She is currently finishing an MSc in Clinical and Health Psychology and has two children, Shmuel (4) and Rosie (18 months) who keep her on her toes!

Focus on gratitude

Turn off your phone

This is a perfect illustration of how drastically our actions (whether resulting from someone else’s choices or our own) can affect how we feel on the inside. We can use this knowledge to ‘fake’ happiness. Chances are, you will eventually ‘make’ it.

Recent studies have shown that being a giver tends to make us happier. In a study at the University of Zurich, researchers told a group of 50 people that they were going to be given $100 in the coming weeks. Half of the group were asked to start planning how they would spend that money on themselves, and half were asked to start planning ways to spend it on someone else

for as little as one week boosts happiness and increases our sense of wellbeing.

A landmark 2018 study at the University of San Diego found that the happiest teens don’t seem to avoid social media entirely, they just use it sparingly - usually for less than an hour a day. Beyond that, more hours interacting with devices instead of communicating with people face-to-face is associated with higher levels of unhappiness, with sadness correlating with time spent online. Teens who spent more than five hours each day online were twice as likely to feel depressed as those who limited their screen time to an hour or less.

Writing a letter of thanks also boosts our sense of well-being. That was the conclusion of Dr. Martin E. P. Seligman after he asked a group of people to write and personally deliver a letter of gratitude to someone who had helped them whom they had never properly thanked before. The letter writers reported huge increases in happiness, with the effects lasting for about a month. Getting into the habit of appreciating the many blessings in your life can transform the way you think. Start by taking a moment first thing in the morning to thank G-d you are alive, and try to keep that attitude going all day long. If you got a seat on the bus or a parking space on your way to work, take a moment to feel thankful. Reach out to others too to let them know you are grateful to have them in your life. Once you start brainstorming all the things you have to be thankful for it can be hard to stop - your home, your friends, even your lunch! Thinking this way can substantially boost your wellbeing and bring you joy.

Life tools for Jewish Families

Our sages have long recognised that the way we act can profoundly alter the way we feel inside. Now, modern research is proving this long-held Jewish knowledge. When we act happy externally – even if we are “faking it” somewhat – our actions influence our inner feelings, making us feel happier inside In psychologist Philip Zimbardo’s 1971 Stanford Prison experiment, college students were given the roles of prisoners and guards in a simulated prison. It was intended to measure the effect of role-playing and social expectations on behaviour over a period of two weeks. However, mistreatment of prisoners escalated so alarmingly that Zimbardo terminated the experiment after only six days. Over the course of the experiment, some of the guards became cruel and tyrannical, while a number of the prisoners became depressed and disoriented.

13Issue 3 - October 2022

A number of recent studies show markedly higher happiness levels among people who spend less time online. One study at the University of Pennsylvania found that even staying off Facebook

Happiness is not something that happens to usit’s a decision we must make …But don't expect the results to come automatically. It is possible to intellectually understand how to attain happiness, yet not put it into practice. In fact, many people might actually prefer to be comfortable and unhappy, rather than endure the discomfort of changing their habits. Just as learning any new skill requires effort, you have to be willing to invest serious effort to achieve real happiness. Let us utilise Sukkot to stop getting what we want and start wanting what we get, focus on personal growth, enhancing our relationships and making choices to achieve that desired state of happiness.

The people who planned to spend their windfall on others behaved more generously in all sorts of ways, and also reported feeling happier than those who were planning to spend their $100 on themselves. Surprisingly, this difference in happiness levels lasted even after the experiment was over. It seems that planning to give to others alters the way we see ourselves - when we begin to think of ourselves as generous, we behave in ways that reinforce that self-image and continue to reap the rewards of feeling that we are giving people

Fake it ‘til you make it

Do something for someone else

Out and about in London and Manchester

14 Issue 3 - October 2022

Seen at Seed

15Issue 3 - October 2022

16 Issue 3 - October 2022

“I grew up in South Africa in a very culturally Jewish home and my parents actually sent me to an ultra-Orthodox school until I was nine, even though they weren’t religious. That is probably what started me off on the path to becoming more observant later

school I decided to do a teaching degree and although I loved the creative aspects, at the end of the four years I knew that teaching wasn’t right for me, so I went on to study for a post graduate degree in business management at the top business school in South Africa. It became clear that business was the right path and I finished in the top three of the class. I went on to work at KPMG for two years as a management consultant specialising in HR. It was such an exciting time – I wrote job descriptions for Nelson Mandela’s staff and set up a performance appraisal system for them. It was an amazing start to my career and I had incredible mentors there

alia Davis is the CEO of Foodbank Aid and was previously the Director of Operations at Seed Foodbank Aid is a grassroots charity that tackles the daily challenge of food poverty in North London. Operating as a central donation and distribution hub, they collect and purchase food, toiletries and household goods and distribute them to food banks where the need is greatest.

With my husband’s encouragement I then decided to ‘go it alone’ and set up an HR consultancy Seed was one of my clients, and for six months I went in for one day a week to help them with their HR processes and policies. I actually found working for myself quite lonely, so when Seed asked me to come in more often I was happy to, and then when their Director of Operations decided to leave, Seed offered me the role and I accepted it. I transformed the operations processes while I was there and also spent a lot of time working on strategy as part of the leadership team.

Foodbank Aid is an amazing organisation. The founder Naomi Russell is an incredible woman - she offered me a mentor for charity CEOs from day one, which has been invaluable. And the work we do is so important – we are now facing the worst cost of living crisis imaginable, and thousands of families are already being forced to comingpeopleforbecomebankssoon,betternotpriceWtheirfeedchoicesimpossiblemakedailyonhowtoandprovideforfamilies.iththeenergycaprisingit’sgoingtogetanyanytimesoourfoodaregoingtoalifelinemoreandmoreinthemonths.”

Jewish Women in Leadership

D

Afteron.high

My husband and I then decided to take a year out from work to travel, with London as our base. Within three months we realised how much we loved it here, and I got a job at Brent council in organisational development, where I stayed for six years while I had my children. They gave me a lot of different training opportunities, and while I was there I set up Brent’s first elearning system. I then moved on to TrainE-TraidE who were just starting out, running training courses for people in the community. I helped the organisation to grow, setting up a mentoring scheme and supporting job-seekers with CV and interview skills. I then set up the job placement department and the summer placement scheme for students.

I have always had huge confidence issues, so when I was first offered the role at Seed I would lie awake at night thinking “There’s no way I can do this”. When it came to applying for my current role as CEO I really just went along to the interview to see what would happen – I didn’t actually think I would get the job. But Rabbi Herman, Rabbi Grunfeld and Moshe Morris had been wonderful mentors and I don’t think I would have even applied had I not developed so much in confidence and skills working with them at Seed

17Issue 3 - October 2022

D

She was a trustee of UJIA for eight years and is currently a trustee of JFT and chair of trustees of Noa.

Dalia: Confidence is probably the biggest issue, and having experiences where people don’t believe in you. Also the reality that women are generally responsible for more of the day-to-day running of the home, and unless you can compartmentalise, it can be overwhelming. Having said that, I think the world has changed a lot and if you prove yourself it doesn’t need to matter if you can’t do the typical ‘9 to 5’.

Naomi: I think there’s a misconception that we need to have more female leaders because we need to be ‘fair and equal’ or to ‘re-balance the power’ but actually it’s so much more than that. We need more women in leadership because the leadership qualities that women possess are essential to success and more likely to lead to great outcomes, productivity and more successful businesses and services. There’s research carried out by McKinsey that points to the nine traits that really help organisations to succeed - five of them are more common in women than in men, two are more common in men, and two are the same for both men and women. So it’s clear that we need female leaders in order to be able to grow and achieve as a society

Naomi: It wasn’t a conscious decision, but looking back I was always very involved with the community and was a leader in my youth group, and then marrying a rabbi... I am quite passionate and driven but I still feel as if I just naturally fell into it. As a rebbetzen I definitely feel strongly about the importance of having strong female role models within the shul, and female-led Jewish education in the community in general.

“My mum was a refugee. In 1947, when she was 3 years old, she travelled with her two sisters and father from Egypt to what was then Palestine, and they were placed in a refugee camp for 18 months. One of the other refugees told her father they should go to England, where they were taken in by Norwood. She met and married my dad at 18 and then they moved from London to Sheffield, where I was born. I was the youngest of three and we moved to Leeds when I was ten. When I was a teenager, I was very involved with BBYO, and my ‘forever friends’ from that time have all gone on to become superstars. It was a very empowering organisation – those with talent rose to the top of BBYO and since then they have all been incredibly successful.

Did you always know you wanted to be in a leadership role?

Karen: I never thought about having my own business in the early days of my career. I was brought up knowing that I needed to earn money for the family, but as a contributor rather than necessarily being an entrepreneur.

Q&A

18 Issue 3 - October 2022

What are the benefits of having women as leaders?

Karen: As women, we have a responsibility to nurture the world. The world needs our unique care, and I believe we can empower each other to step up and bring our own light into the world.

Jewish Women

K

Dalia: I think women are generally sensitive and creative and that these traits are hugely beneficial to a leadership position. They can help organisations to grow and become more multidimensional and diverse

aren Harris is a highly accomplished entrepreneur, CEO and team builder. She has successfully built and sold three businesses, including the UK’s number one consumer PR agency, an integrated marketing and digital agency, and an online shopping centre. Karen is a mentor for women at Google and Amazon as well as a number of small businesses.

After completing a law degree in Manchester, I moved to London for my first job and it was there that I met and married my husband Andrew. My law degree was a strategic decision. I knew I wanted to go into business and employers would value a law degree over other disciplines. I worked in a graduate marketing job for three years, climbing the hierarchy and then worked for another three years at a larger agency before leaving with my boss and a colleague to set up our own agency. I can’t believe it now, but when my boss suggested that we create our own company, I wasn’t interested in equity – I told him that I wanted the ability to work from home when I got married and had children.

What do you think prevents women from becoming leaders?

Naomi: We can be our own worst enemies sometimes when it comes to our insecurities – a stay-at-home mum can feel a lack of confidence because she isn’t working, when really she should be celebrated for her choice. On the other side, a mother who is working can feel guilty for not spending enough time with her children, when actually it makes her a better mum to have a job she enjoys. We need to support each other’s choices so that more women can overcome these barriers.

K

The whole thing was a complete miracle. I didn’t plan any of it –it all just happened. I was just so happy that along the way I got my four kids and a people carrier…

Naomi: 75% of women in leadership positions struggle with this and I’m definitely one of them. Imposter syndrome can actually help to ground us though and keep us humble – I think it’s one of our superpowers as women. Humility is fundamentally a feminine trait and I think it’s crucial to being a good leader – it helps us to acknowledge and learn from our mistakes and to take into account other people’s experiences. So I think there’s definitely something positive there, but we just have to make sure it doesn’t limit us. So many times I’ve seen brilliant, intelligent women that just don’t have the self-belief and are so crippled by imposter syndrome that they end up not being able to achieve their potential.

Are there any particular mentors or role models who have helped you in your career?

So I started working from home, and I was more profitable in that first month than I had ever been in the office, so he never called me back in after that.

I can see how ridiculous this seems now as everyone works from home, but at the time it wasn’t the ‘done thing’. He couldn’t believe his luck that I was turning down the equity! Yes, I was young and naïve, but being a Jewish woman with four kids and a people carrier was really my only dream. A year later I was married and pregnant. Three months after I had our daughter Hannah my boss phoned me to ask when I was coming back to the office and I said “Don’t you remember that conversation?!”

19Issue 3 - October 2022

Have you ever experienced ‘imposter syndrome’?

Karen: I don’t really experience imposter syndrome to be honest, I think because I see it all as a bit of a miracle. Of course my success didn’t just happen and I did work really hard – most evenings I would be working until midnight, and in the early days there were definitely some all-nighters. But there were things that happened that were beyond my control, and because I don’t really see it as being all about ‘me’, imposter syndrome isn’t really something I personally relate to We live in an age of authenticity. I’ve never been diagnosed but I’m 99% sure I have dyslexia. I remember doing my O-Level exams and being stunned watching everyone writing furiously, thinking – how are they doing this without reading the question? Now I know that of course they had read it - it was just that it took me much longer to read the question than it took them, because of my dyslexia. StoriBoard has helped me see how what may appear as weaknesses can also be our strengths. The flip side of my dyslexia is the ability to think differently, to be more creative and intuitive. I’m sure this has helped me to be a successful entrepreneur

Two things have really helped me - “Don’t believe everything you think” – just because you have these thoughts, it doesn’t mean they’re true – you can choose to let go of them. Also having a strong belief in G-d. He puts us in different situations and gives us our strengths, and who are we to argue with that? When I feel overwhelmed I have to remind myself that if Hashem thinks that I can, then I can. If He has put me in this position then in a sense it’s my duty to live up to it and be the very best that I can be

The agency grew - we had 30 employees and I sold it to a management consultancy specialising in the public sector

My clients soon became quite different from the agency’s main clients - I started to work on big behavioural change campaigns for the government’s department of health and department of education. I employed a small team working from home, and after a couple of years running the most profitable arm of the agency my boss suggested splitting the business into the main agency and a separate agency specialising in the public sector

Dalia: Moshe Morris helped me a lot, both at TrainE-TraidE and at Seed. Debbie Sheldon was also an incredible mentor. I think you have to learn from everyone that you work with.

Karen: My parents could not have been better role models. Their work ethic was incredible - my mum stood in a factory and did the pattern cutting night and day. They were always very philanthropic as well. Family was everything to them and we lived a life of values, and of taking responsibility, being involved communally and giving charity

Being married to a corporate lawyer helped ensure that this time I wouldn’t be quite so naïve about the benefits of equity

Since then I’ve been blessed to have built and sold two further companies, and I’m now working hard on my new start-up –everything I have ever done feels like a dress rehearsal for this one! At StoriBoard we are building a platform where it’s easy to find people who are going through the same life experiences, empowering them to tell their stories, share lessons learned and connect. We are re-defining peer support.”

Dalia: I live with imposter syndrome – I talked about it in my first meeting with my mentor. He told me that I have to remind myself that they chose me and I’m not in this role by fluke. It’s a constant battle – I don’t even feel comfortable signing my name with ‘CEO’ yet!

in Leadership

“I came from a very supportive and stable family. Nowadays as parents I think we find it very difficult to see our children struggle, and as a result they then struggle to develop resilience. My parents were supportive but not over-involved in the day-to-day, which I think helped me and all my siblings to build resilience I was brought up in Manchester, went to Jewish schools and then spent a year in sem. I always thought I was going to be a lawyer but then I decided to do a business degree instead. While I was at university I ended up doing my year-long placement at Aish, and I was so inspired by the passion around me that I decided I wanted to make community work my life-time career – I also met my husband who was studying to become a rabbi. I became the youth director at Hampstead Garden Suburb Synagogue and particularly enjoyed working with and supporting teenage girls. I started studying at the Tavistock with a view to just doing a post-graduate certificate, and six years later I qualified as a child psychotherapist.

Karen: I’ve never felt it in my philanthropic work, and I think there are less issues now in the working world than there were when I first started out. When I started my first own business together with my ex-boss and another male colleague from our previous company, the male colleague actually took credit for all of my work and I never knew he was doing it. It wasn’t until after I built up and sold my part of the business that my ex-boss told me that the male colleague had always taken all the credit, and he had believed him. With a refreshing degree of remorse, he admitted that only as he watched me succeed over the years whilst the other guy plateaued, did he realise that what he had been told was a lie. I don’t think that the colleague taking the credit was because they were two male work colleagues who went to the pub together and I wasn’t part of their ‘club’. Now in the business world I think there’s a lot of skewed positivity towards being a female founder – if anything it’s probably harder being a man!

As a community we are so good at looking after vulnerable people – poverty, disabilities, serious illnesses – but back then I realised that when it came to girls and young women struggling with their mental health or coming from complex family backgrounds, there wasn’t really any support available. So 13 years ago I decided to start a small organisation with just seven girls and a budget of £15,000. I thought that if we could grow Noa to support 30 girls a year then we would be supporting all the girls in community who needed support. We now support 250 girls a year, we have 52 on our waiting list and even with a budget of £1.8 million it’s clear that we still aren’t meeting the need yet!

Naomi: Lady Jakobovits set the bar really high in terms of bringing people together from different walks of life. She worked incredibly hard to make people feel supported and included, and she used her phenomenal memory to help people feel special and cared for. Although she passed away a long time ago, I often ask myself “What would Lady J do?”

I don’t think there’s a way to do it all and feel happy with what you are doing. I think it’s about being OK with the fact that you’re not going to be able to do it all, and this speaks to one of my

As a working mum, how do you get the balance right between your home and working life?

20 Issue 3 - October 2022

At the moment I’m very inspired by one of our trustees, Rebbetzen Feige Hager, who has made amazing, transformative changes in Stamford Hill, helping us to build bridges with community leaders and changing attitudes within the community. She goes about it with such humility, discretion and quietness. Also our head of therapy programme Amelie Turgel who really empowers her team and makes them feel valued –I have learned a lot from her. There are incredible people all around us who have so much we can learn from. I was also recently on a leadership course with Rabbi Herman from Seed and I was so inspired by how authentic and genuine he is. When you have someone like that in a leadership role, you know that whatever that organisation delivers will be exceptional.

N N

Jewish Women

Dalia: At Seed I was always encouraged to share my opinion when it came to major organisational decisions. During all my time working in business I honestly never felt more heard and listened to than I did by the rabbis at Seed. I always felt respected by the leadership and it helped me to grow hugely in confidence as a professional. The fact that I felt so listened to was a huge springboard to help me move on to the next part of my career

Have you ever felt disadvantaged as a woman – either in the workplace or as a leader in general?

aomi Lerer is the CEO and Founder of Noa, a child and adolescent psychotherapist and Rebbetzen of Central Synagogue. Noa provides practical, emotional and therapeutic support to adolescent girls in the Orthodox Jewish community in a safe, caring and non-judgemental environment.

Naomi: I have four boys and a girl, aged from 11 to 21, and I’m fortunate that my husband is very supportive and takes a very active role with the kids.

Dalia: I swear by exercise. It’s amazing for mental health, and as soon as I don’t exercise, I can’t juggle my responsibilities. There’s honestly a direct correlation! I also love online shopping and pretty things – I can’t help it, they just bring me such joy! As a woman juggling so much, I think you have to know what brings you joy and be able to access that quickly

Karen: When the kids were younger, the bit that went for me was self-care – I didn’t eat healthily or exercise, and the only time I ever saw friends was on Shabbat.

Dalia: I have three children, two with special needs and full-time EHCPs. They both have ADHD and one has quite severe autism and oppositional defiance disorder. With a neurotypical child, there’s a lot of teacher emails and medical appointments and other things you’re responsible for, but with a neurodiverse child that gets multiplied hugely. Not a day goes by without an email or call from a medical or educational professional!

I am a big believer in the innate power of girls and women. If they’re given the right support and opportunities they can achieve anything. There’s an amazing quote that I like to use: Noa isn’t about making girls strong – they are already strong –it’s about changing the way they perceive their strengths.”

Naomi: There are two short, sweet quotes I really like “Have courage and be kind” and “We rise by lifting others”.

You have to be kind to yourself and cut out the things that you can. I don’t entertain as much as I used to, and when I do I make it much more straightforward. You have to ignore the peer pressure and listen to your inner voice to make sure that the balance is right.

Karen: We have four children - our eldest daughter is married to a rabbi and living in Miami, and my youngest daughter is studying Computer Science at UCL. Then we have two boys in between – one works in biotech and the other is in his sixth year of medicine at Imperial.

I think if anyone was 100% honest, they would have to admit that you can’t have it all. I ran myself dry working from home and trying to always do bath-time and bedtime and stories with my kids. It wasn’t easy. Now my kids are grown up I feel I have a better balance. Being observant helps so much, as your life is designed around the family. There are so many festivals, and every week there’s Shabbat, and that drives the agenda and has been our saving grace as a family

Dalia: If you really want it, I believe you actually can have it all.

When we started Noa, the girls generally had very complex backgrounds and were dealing with trauma, but over the last five years or so there’s been a huge increase in mental health challenges across the board. A large number of the girls we support now come from very supportive and caring homes, but they are struggling with mental health challenges. There is nobody who is immune. As a society and in particular as a community we need to do more to educate both parents and our youth earlier on in order to try and prevent some of these issues from arising as much as we can.

biggest challenges, which I’m sure I share with other female leaders - perfectionism. There’s always more to do, and although it’s very hard, I’m trying to learn to be OK with ‘good enough’ and understanding what ‘good enough’ means for me. Having good help at home and knowing what I can outsource is also something that I’m constantly working on.

in Leadership

What is your advice to the next generation of female leaders?

21Issue 3 - October 2022

What about self-care?

Naomi: I can tell other people how important it is to fill up your cup, because you can’t fill up anyone else’s otherwise, but I don’t always find it easy to do it myself! I’m fortunate that I do find my work and my family energising, and I also offload to my sisters whenever I need to. But self-care is definitely an area that I need to work on and to practice what I preach more!

Because we work in the Orthodox Jewish community there are often barriers to the girls accessing services from elsewhere, so it’s incredibly important to offer a culturally sensitive provision that they and their families feel comfortable coming to Noa is a clinically-driven service with an extensive therapy programme alongside a lot of practical support such as help accessing services like housing, study and employment.

22 Issue 3 - October 2022

I hear that you have ten siblings – where do you sit in the ranks, and what was your home like growing up?

Did you feel your father’s absence at home?

As a child how much did you know about Seed and the work your father was doing?

with Rabbi Shaya Grunfeld

When did the family move to Golders Green?

How long were you in Israel for?

I was in yeshiva in Israel for three years and one year when I came home for Sukkot, I met my wife and we got engaged. We then lived in Israel together for five years, where I studied in a kollel (a yeshiva for married men) and got semicha (Rabbinic ordination). After those first three years I then did something that was quite unusual for a Gateshead boy – with my father in law’s encouragement I studied to become a therapist.

It was when I was aged 18 and it actually coincided with me leaving Gateshead to go to yeshiva in Israel. When I came back for the holidays it was strange to be on unfamiliar territory, but I was fortunate that I didn’t have to change schools or anything like that. The house was very small and dilapidated compared to the six bedroom Gateshead home we grew up in, which must have been difficult for my parents and siblings. Over time an extension was built and a loft but for a period of time it was such a tiny place

23Issue 3 - October 2022

Gateshead was a very self-contained, insular community, but because of the work my father did, we were given more breadth as kids. Some weeks he would bring families from Seed to our home on a Friday to experience Shabbos with us. As children we enjoyed sharing the beauty of Yiddishkeit with people, and it gave us an exposure and insight into the wider Jewish community and what our father was doing out there educationally

On Shabbos he was such a present father that we really didn’t feel his absence when it wasn’t Shabbos. He had so much energy – he engaged with us, he put us to bed, he read us stories… and when necessary he parented us over the phone during the week as well! He always supported my mum. I was a complicated kid and I don’t think I gave her an easy time. I was in the middle of a girl sandwich – I looked up to my three eldest brothers but I was too young for them – the ones closest to me in age were two older sisters and then three younger sisters. But my memories of Shabbos are of my father being very present and of course lots and lots of singingwe’re a very musical family

I’m number six of eleven, which means I’m the jam. It was a definitely a very busy home! I grew up in Gateshead – I was born there and lived there until I was 18. What was unique about my home was that during the week my father commuted very frequently to London to the Seed head office, which meant my mother basically ran the home on her own. Looking back, what she put up with for the sake of his work in Anglo-Jewry was an unbelievable self-sacrifice. She had a cleaning lady who came to help every day but I still don’t know how she did it, and nothing was done by halves – my mother was always well-dressed and served us proper dinners every day. My father says that throughout those years he never heard a word of complaint from her about it, and that everything he achieved during that time is 100% hers.

15 Minutes

So in around 2007 I started working for Seed as a part-time educator, and I carried on working as a therapist part-time both in Manchester and Gateshead. Then in 2015, Seed was expanding and opening a new centre and I agreed to take on a leadership role in partnership with Vanessa. Then about a year and a half later she dropped the bombshell that she and her family were making aliyah, leaving me to take the reins on my own!

What do the rest of your siblings do professionally? They are all involved in some area of Jewish education. One of my sisters is the principal of a girls’ school, two of my brothers teach Jewish Studies in a school and yeshiva, another brother is a lecturer in a seminary, and another brother is the head of department in a boys’ school.

And now you have your father there too! What’s it like having your parents just around the corner? My parents moving to Manchester has been the most amazing thing. They are our role models, and now our children can have that wonderful experience of being around them every week too It’s like a new lease of life for my mum and dad, being able to get nachas from their grandchildren, and it’s wonderful to see that. When we first moved to Manchester I had one sibling living here and my wife had two siblings in the area – since then, more have moved to Manchester, and now there are six of us living here! So from a family perspective Manchester is a very comfortable and happy place for my parents to be, and we are all so happy having them here.

I hope you don’t mind me asking but do you think your surname had anything to do with it?

Right from the very beginning there was a worry both in my mind and in my father’s mind about nepotism, and him being my boss and so on. I did not want to get the job because I was my father’s son, and equally my father didn’t want me to get the job because I was his son. Therefore we were careful to go through a proper process throughout – that’s always been very important to me My wife and I had a formal interview with Rabbi Herman, and we made it clear that he and Vanessa would need to be my boss, not my father. I wanted to be part of Seed in my own right, and on my own merits.

Despite the fact that I lived and breathed Seed throughout my childhood, I never saw myself working in the field of education and outreach. My plan was to go back to the Gateshead community and work as a therapist there, but then things changed at the last minute and I ended up in Manchester

It was overwhelming at first. It’s been a journey – and it still is a journey. Learning to be a fundraiser, learning about strategy and management – it’s huge - but thankfully we have a fantastic team here at Seed Manchester. I can’t do as much teaching or engage with participants as much, which is the biggest personal challenge for me. It’s never really been ‘just’ a job for me though – it’s a passion and it’s a responsibility. I very much see myself as carrying on my father’s legacy, and I’ve only ever felt support, encouragement and a sense of pride from all of my siblings in doing this.

Seed Manchester has changed massively – when I first joined, it was just three of us working from home. Then it grew to needing office space, then bigger office space, and now we have our own beautiful, vibrant centre – it’s amazing really. Our schools programme has grown so much as well.

How has it been taking on that solo leadership role?

I secured a place at Whitefield Kollel and I worked as a therapist in the evenings. I also went to Gateshead one day a week to work as a therapist there. Because Whitefield Kollel was an outreach organisation I started learning with people from the wider community, which made me realise that I could actually make a difference and engage people with Judaism and Torah learning. At the time, Vanessa Broder was running Seed Manchester, and was busy rejuvenating and expanding the organisation. She asked me to get involved with a particular programme, then she wanted me to become more involved, and after that the rest is history

24 Issue 3 - October 2022

What is Seed Manchester like now compared to how it was when you first came on the scene?

Life tools for Jewish Families

What did you do in Manchester?

Rabbi Shaya Grunfeld is the Director of Seed Manchester and also a practicing therapist. He is married to Kayla who is a busy kallah teacher and they have nine children aged two to 21 years old.

What was your role initially at Seed?

Contact:

Trips and Seminars

16 - 18 December 2022 The Courage to Climb Advanced Seminar

rabbi.edwards@seeduk.org 10 - 12 February 2023 Family Seminar Contact: debbie@seed.uk.net 12 - 16 February 2023 Father and Son Israel Bar Mitzvah Trip Contact: danielpfine@gmail.com 12 - 16 February 2023 Mother and Daughter Israel Bat Mitzvah Trip Contact: joanne@seed.uk.net 26 - 28 February 2023 (TBC) Poland Trip Contact: rabbi.edwards@seeduk.org 8 – 12 January 2023 Women’s Israel Trip Contact: seedisraeltrips@gmail.com 25Issue 3 - October 2022

26 Issue 3 - October 2022

I am certain that these men have big hearts underneath these displays of outward aggression. I am also certain that they all have a story. Maybe they have been through war. Maybe they lost friends in terror attacks. Maybe they have been through the army here, which must change a person. I don’t see their past.

The man who shouted at a driver who hadn’t seen me as I was about to cross the road...The one who told me off for driving too fast in the shopping centre car park...And the truck driver who was blocking our road despite there being several unoccupied parking spaces right next to his truck, who loudly reprimanded me for pointing this out to him.

My uncle fought in the Yom Kippur War in 1973. Even though many rabbis told the soldiers fighting in this war that they must break their fasts in order to be strong enough to fight, my uncle refused. He could not fathom the idea of not fasting on Yom Kippur, even though it was ‘pikuach nefesh’ (necessary to save lives).

By Lisa Antian

e made aliyah just over a year ago. I absolutely love living here. The milk cartons have Chag Sameach signs printed on them when there is an upcoming festival, my kids can walk down the road to the shops to buy an ice-cream without me, and I really like the fact that I can get an appointment at the paediatrician within an hour or so of calling the secretary if one of my children isn’t well.

Recently I have been thinking about certain, often stereotyped, Israelis that I meet from time to time here. You know, the ones that shout a lot.

He is the soldier on the front left of this picture. He was one of the 293 Israeli soldiers swapped for over 8,372 Egyptian soldiers. The picture was taken by the Egyptians to show how they had captured the tall, strong, mighty Israeli soldiers.

I must remember this the next time I encounter an aggressive Israeli. I don’t see their past.

27Issue 3 - October 2022

Lisa Antian studied Politics and Modern History at The University of Manchester Lisa is a qualified teacher who has previously taught at JFS, Hasmonean and Menorah High. Lisa and her family made aliyah in 2021 and she is a consultant educational scriptwriter and content writer

W

Such an experiencechangesaperson.

When my uncle was captured, the Egyptians would pour jerry cans of water into the sand in front of the parched Israeli soldiers as though to mock them. Whilst languishing in an Egyptian prison they hung him upside down and brutally whipped his feet and his back to ensure he wouldn’t escape

Perhaps it makes them anxious or develop claustrophobia as a result of being ten soldiers in a cramped cell. Perhaps they become aware of how fragile life is as a result of comrades dying in battle. Perhaps they become obsessively hygienic as a result of having to use the toilet in front of the other captives in their cell and being denied basic products such as soap. Perhaps they develop PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) and it never gets properly treated.

My grandparents only knew that their son was alive because this picture was printed on the front page of the daily newspaper in Iran, and our cousins who lived there saw it and called immediathemtely to tell them. Can you imagine their fear for their son, not knowing where he was, what his captors were doing to him, or whether he was still alive?

My uncle was also taken as a prisoner of war by the Egyptians.

Anecdotes Aliyah

28 Issue 3 - October 2022

were more talented people around me, I worked really hard at my fashion degree, threw myself into it and took it very seriously. For the first time, I felt that I was truly succeeding and it was very exciting. On graduation, one of my professors who was, and still is, the creative director of Max Mara, asked me to work for him in Italy I was also offered jobs at Armani and Burberry, but the offer from Italy was the most attractive to me so I ended up moving there for a little over a year.

Danielle and Joanne A Conversation

with Burberry and Paul Smith. I took the job at Paul Smith and worked there for four years. It was such a tough environment –very competitive – but the creative director of womenswear took me under her wing. She was very tough but I made her kind of love me. It was a bit like the movie ‘The Devil Wears Prada’. It was very stressful and very long hours but I stayed focused and loved what I did. After Paul Smith, I worked as a senior designer for Karen Millen, and then as a senior designer for Aquascutum.

Danielle: To be honest that’s when I started to feel a bit lost. It was difficult not knowing the language and being on my own. It was amazing but really hard, and I wanted to go home. So I wrote to a couple of my favourite designers and was offered jobs

Afterprofound.sheand her husband moved to Israel, I went to visit and decided to do a bit of learning whilst I was there. I went to some amazing shiurim and my sister sent me tapes that I would listen to on my way to work when I was back in London. I just felt so inspired, and more hopeful than I had ever felt before. I slowly took on a few mitzvahs, like lighting candles on Friday night. When Shabbos came in early, I would light candles at work. It was so long ago, back when you could light a candle in an office! Then I would get someone to let me out the building with their fob, and I would carry all my work home with me. But I would walk! I felt like it made me more than the person I was at work – I was creating another life for myself, another version of myself

Joanne: What an adventure! What was that like?

Joanne: So how did your Jewish journey fit into your busy working life?

29Issue 3 - October 2022

I started keeping other mitzvos too. I remember when I wanted to keep Shabbos more but I was so scared to tell my boss that I didn't want to work on Saturdays. Luckily she was amazing - she

Joanne Dove: It is so exciting having you here. You are a real-life, present-day role model for young women. You have worked with some of the world’s top designer labels, and today are the very successful owner and designer of Pannyy Bags. Where did it all begin?

Danielle Bernadout: It’s so lovely to see you again, and thank you for having me. My story… well, I think it’s relevant to say that at school I was an ‘underachiever’. I had dyslexia and found school challenging. I think because I wasn’t seen as academic, I felt that I was never ‘allowed’ to pursue the subjects I actually enjoyed, like biology for example. So I focused more on art at school – it wasn’t as hard as reading and writing, and when I was doing my art GCSE I saw that what I was producing was just as good as everyone else, and that was a new thing for me. I think that really pushed me to work hard at it. So I completed my GCSE and A-Level in art, and did really well.

Danielle: Whilst I was at Paul Smith, my older sister was training to be a lawyer at Georgetown University, where she started looking into and learning about her Judaism. She became more observant and when she got married, I watched her and her husband together and was so inspired by their relationship The idea of working on yourself taking priority over working on your career was brand new to me. The people I was normally around were very different to the person my sister was becoming. The change in our relationship was also quite

I then did an art foundation course at Kingston University, followed by a fashion degree. I had been inspired by one of my foundation course lecturers to pursue fashion, plus my mother was always extremely stylish. I was privileged to have grown up with nice clothes, surrounded by lovely Althougthings.hthere

Joanne: If you had to give a message or advice to someone who was considering exploring their Judaism further, what would it be?

said: “Sure darling, you go and do that, and as long as you keeping working hard and make up the time, it'll be great.” So I did. I made up for it on Saturday night and all of Sunday.

While I was at Aquascutum I had my first child, and my husband and I decided to go to Israel. The idea was for my husband to go and learn in yeshiva for three months. Once we were there, I realised that I couldn't go back to the life I was leading. We ended up staying in Israel for about four years before moving back to London.

I see all these messages on platforms like Instagram about how to improve your life, or find joy in life, but you can just go to the Torah and learn all the life wisdom you need from there!

Joanne: Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us today. May we all be inspired to keep exploring, growing and learning. As you said, we have it at our fingertips.

Danielle: Between Paul Smith and Karen Millen I got married and started to cover my hair. I was frightened that people would know that I was wearing a sheitel, but nobody ever had any idea. Learning also became a part of my routine, and once or twice a week I would go to classes after work.

Joanne: When along this journey did you get married?

Danielle: To explore is to live! There is no joy unless you're learning. It makes life exciting and eye-opening. Finding out that there are other ways of thinking about life is extraordinary, and the most exciting part is it's all in our heritage. We've got it at our fingertips.

Honestly, learning Torah makes those cute pieces of advice seem mediocre

30 Issue 3 - October 2022

When I started at Karen Millen and then at Aquascutum it was quite daunting having to ask for things like leaving early on Fridays, kosher meals, never working on Saturday and so on. But I made up for that by being the first person in the office every day and the last person to leave at night. I'm not recommending that as a work ethic, but my desire to succeed and do well in my world was huge

Behind is aevery statistic person... Issue 3 - Rosh Hashanah 2022 1 Attendances at 138 school events across the country 16,500 1,496 Educator-led One2One learning sessions held Family education packs distributed 7,736 277 Participants in the Shabbat Project Different people engage with Seed programmes annually 10,000 31Issue 3 - October 2022

32 Issue 3 - October 2022

By Mirele Mordecai

It wasn’t just about researching the schools themselves thoughit was also a process of thinking about and discussing who we are and where we are going as a family, because we knew that the school we chose would play a big part in our family’s journey We knew we wanted to send our daughter to a Jewish school from the outset, but I’m sure many parents reading this will be deciding whether a Jewish school or a non-Jewish school is right for them. Without wanting to make too many generalisations, I have seen first-hand this year that the education and inspiration gained at a Jewish school can be incredibly impactful for children of all religious levels. To learn and experience the chagim, to be taught about being a proud Jew, to develop a Jewish lens on life through everyday experience and to come home excited about Jewish learning is a unique privilege that Jewish primary schools allow children to have. There are of course other options – some parents might prefer to send their child to a non-Jewish school and supplement with Sunday Cheder or another form of additional Jewish education. However, as there are now more than 37,000 children being educated in over 130 Jewish schools in the UK, I have based this article on the ever-growing population of parents who are opting to send their child to a Jewish primary school. There are so many Jewish primary schools to choose from around London in particular. Some people know exactly which schools they are going to apply to, or have close friends or relatives who are parents in certain schools already, but many first timers have a plethora of questions and aren’t sure where to begin. If you’re brand new to the world of Jewish schools, the PaJeS website is a good place to start - www.findajewishschool.org.uk.

Choosing Right Schoolthe your Childfor

Values and Ethos

In my view, one of the most important aspects to consider is the school’s ethos and religious character. Do the school’s values match with your family’s values? General information about ethos should be on the school website, but it can also help to speak to parents who send their children there. A word of caution: whilst it can be very useful to speak to other parents about their experiences, be aware that it can also be counter productive. People’s experiences can be very personal and subjective, so it’s important not to lose sight of the big picture and avoid becoming caught up in other people’s emotions. Last year, the Seed Schools Department sent out a survey to parents whose children attend the schools that we work in, and 72% of participants said one of the main reasons for choosing their child’s school was for the Jewish education provided there. The Jewish education that a child receives during their school years comes from a combination of classroom learning, extracurricular events, the religious ethos of the school and (perhaps most importantly!) how this learning is supported at home. It is important to find out how the curriculum is split between Jewish and secular studies so that you are comfortable that the balance is right for your family. Perhaps Hebrew reading is important to you, for example – how does the school provide this and what role are parents expected to play?

O 33Issue 3 - October 2022

ne of the biggest decisions you can make for your child is choosing their primary school – it is both a weighty responsibility and a tremendous source of pride. You have to try to imagine what your child will be like during the next seven or eight years and figure out what the best environment will be to achieve their goals and actualise their potential. Having recently been through this process myself, I know just how daunting that can be. When we started out we didn’t know very much about the various options available, although now that I have spent the past year working in ten different primary schools for my job at Seed I’m probably much better informed than I was then!

The Basics

The first step is to go to the school’s website and look around. Read through their admissions policy and entry criteria. These will vary from school to school but they tend to include distance and catchment area, number of places available (is it a one-form, twoform or three-form entry school?) and siblings. There will likely also be religious criteria. You’ll want to consider certain practical questions, like how far from your house the school is, whether or not you can walk there, or if you drive what the parking situation is Atlike.this stage there are a number of emotional and social considerations to think about – do I think my child would be happier in a bigger school or a smaller school? Does my child have any friends from pre-nursery applying there? You may also want to read the school’s two most recent Ofsted and Pikuach reports, look at SATs results and find out which schools students move on to for secondary education.

Applications open for Nursery and Reception in September, with Nursery deadlines generally in November (though this varies from school to school as nurseries are run privately). This year the deadline for Reception applications is 15th January 2023, and national offer day is 17th April 2023. If you do not receive a place at your chosen school, there are usually several rounds of offers so do not fret!

3. Some schools may also ask for a CRP instead of (or as well as) the SIF. Information about the school’s requirements can generally be found on the school website. The CRP usually requires you to collect points for attendance at shul, formal education and/or volunteering in the Jewish community Some also require evidence of religious practice

1. Complete a common application form (CAF) via the government website: www.gov.uk/apply-for-primary-schoolplace. You will be asked for your postcode and re-directed to your local authority’s CAF. The CAF allows you to list your chosen schools in order of preference and can be amended at any time before the closing date. After you submit the form, make sure you receive the confirmation email with your login details and reference number

Life tools for Jewish Families

Becoming a School Parent

We wish you much success in picking the right school for your family!

All of the above should aid your decision in confidently choosing a school for your child. Remember that no school is perfect and it’s always safest to apply for more than one. If you need any advice or want to talk through your choices with anyone at Seed please contact our Schools Department and we would be happy to chat and give you any advice you might need.

34 Issue 3 - October 2022

Once you have shortlisted a school, it is crucial to visit in person. This will give you a real ‘feel’ for what the school is like and a chance to ask staff any specific questions you might have When it comes to the curriculum, you’ll likely want to see evidence of creativity and variety in the way that children are taught and that the teachers are warm, welcoming and nurturing. You may be interested in finding out how students are tested at different stages of the school. What do they do with children who struggle, and how do they help those who are high performers?

Mirele Mordecai is a mum of two, the programme manager for the Seed schools programme and has also recently been appointed as Seedlings co-ordinator

Are there opportunities to get involved with things like school trips, reading help or the PTA, if this interests you?

How to Apply to a Jewish Primary School

Prior to joining Seed, Mirele was youth director for over four years at both Edgware United and Stanmore Synagogue and then programme manager of the young families department at Stanmore

For Nursery applications, fill in the registration form for the school. Some schools require a Supplementary Information Form (SIF) and/or Certificate of Religious Practice (CRP) – see points 2 and 3 below

Visiting the School

For Reception, school places are allocated by the local authority. The process is as follows:

NOTE: Parents with a child with a statement of special educational or EHCP should apply through their local authority’s special educational needs team to ensure the correct procedures are in place.

2. You may also be asked to fill in a SIF, which will need to be sent directly to the school. It can usually be found on the school’s website under ‘Admissions’.

Finally, consider your own relationship with the school. How do they engage with the parent body, and what is communication like between teachers and parents? How will they keep in contact with you about your child’s progress and wellbeing?

For us it was important to see how children are encouraged and praised, and find out how they celebrate individual students’ success. We also wanted to know how they get to know each child as an individual, and how the school supports the emotional development of their students. Do they have a buddy system? How are the students’ individual interests and skills supported?

Wishes You A Sweet New Year! Thank you to our schools and families for partnering with us and looking forward to a fantastic year ahead The Seed Schools Department F a m i l y E d u c a t i o n School at KDPS 138 7 Events Seed Family Educators 11 Schools Etz Chaim Jewish Primary School, Hertsmere Jewish Primary School, Immanuel College Preparatory School, Kerem School, King David Jewish Primary School, Mathilda Marks Kennedy School, North Cheshire Jewish Primary School, Rimon Jewish Primary School, Sinai Jewish Primary School Seed schools in numbers 2021 35Issue 3 - October 2022

Life tools for Jewish Families 36 Issue 3 - October 2022

A much loved lecturer and parenting expert, known for his creativity and down-to-earth approach, he is also co-author of the parenting guidebook, ‘Everyday Parenting for Everyday Parents’.

Rabbi Malcolm Herman Seedis ’s CEO

The exact response depends on the age of the children but it will be along the following lines.

Friends Divorcing

Thank you for your question. This is a very unsettling situation for all concerned.

necessary, but herein lies the key dilemma. Do you bring up this subject in order to reassure your child, or is best not to raise it at all? There is no ‘one size fits all’ here, and your choice will depend on several factors. How old is your child? Is your home generally a happy one? Do the children witness a lot of tension? Taking into account these factors, you have to pick an option that gives that R Feassurance.orexample,if the child is young (five years old or younger) and the home is generally happy (barring the ‘normal’ tensions of dayto-day life) it is better not to raise the topic of your own marriage However, if the circumstances are different then it may well be important to be more pro-active in giving reassurance: “Although Daddy and I sometimes argue we do love each other and we are very happy that we are married to each other”.

37Issue 3 - October 2022

In explaining this to children, let’s follow our CORE principles. Clarity, Openness, Reassurance, and Empathy, although not necessarily in that order - this is just a way to remember the principles.

Let’s begin with Clarity. I suggest that you sit down with the children, probably individually (depending on how close they are in age) and tell them: “There is something about another family that we need to tell you. Joe and Sarah (names made up) have told us that sadly they are getting divorced.”

*This is a generic question that has been asked several times over the years.

Dear Rabbi Herman

It is also important to revisit the subject a few days later, in a gentle way. “Have you had any more thoughts about Joe and Sarah?” This gives the child a further opportunity to raise issues and gives them a message of Openness. Be prepared for many ancillary questions at this stage, like:“Will the children live with Joe or Sarah?”, “Can we still go to their house?” or “What should we say to their children?” Again, stick to the CORE principles and you can’t go far wrong. For example, in response to this last question, keep your answer clear and short and guide your children to be caring towards others. You could suggest that they say to their friend: “I am sorry to hear that your mum and dad are getting divorced. That must be hard for you”. Within your own home there are important Torah life lessons to teach, such as the laws of lashon hora – gossip. Don’t allow kitchen-table speculation about your friends. Encourage sensitivity between your children and their friends – make them aware that flaunting your ‘family holiday’ may be hurtful to their friend whose family is now divided, for example

The Torah of course facilitates divorce but it is always viewed with great sadness. So this is also a moment to invest in one’s own marriage and family and to raise the quality of harmony of our own home

Close friends of ours have recently announced that they are getting divorced. This has come as a complete shock to us all. We have spent many hours in their home. What do we tell our children? How can we reassure them that our own marriage is secure?*

Thank you

By Rabbi Malcolm Herman

If the child knows what this means, then add: “This has come as a complete shock to us…” If the child is not familiar with divorce, then explain it in very simple terms. “This means that they have decided that they don’t want to be married to each other anymore because they don’t love each other anymore”. Don’t add any more details yet such as their new living arrangements - provide information in bite-size pieces as the child needs it.

Difficult Questions Children Ask:

I then suggest some silence to allow the child to absorb the news, and this requires Empathy. Allow the child to express their feelings, and help them phrase their thoughts: “It’s a shock isn’t it?” or “It is sad to hear isn’t it?” Then listen to their questions and answer them with simple Clarity and Openness. For example, the child might ask: “Why are they getting divorced? They always seemed happy!” Tell the truth. Children always feel more secure when we are honest with them, and they feel anxious when they feel we are concealing something. That does not mean we tell them everything, but what we do tell them must be true: “Actually this has come as a shock to us as well. We always thought they were happy but now they told us that they have been unhappy for a long time…it’s difficult to understand isn’t it?” Again, resist the temptation to bring in other issues, for example by using phrases like: “You never know what’s behind closed doors”. This actually creates more uncertainty. Instead, create a sense of Openness that invites other questions: “You can ask us anything you like and we will do our best to answer”. The elephant in the room is the lurking worry that you, the child’s parents, might also get divorced. This is where Reassurance is

38 Issue 3 - October 2022

During the process, Jessica, Bertie and I learned so much about what goes into publishing a children’s book. However, the financial negotiations didn’t quite go my way, and I think that Jessica and Bertie managed to pull off quite a percentage of royalties for Sthemselves!o,wehavenow ended up with a lovely little book called The Amazing World of the Little Sleep Doctors, by Irvine Gersch, Bertie Caplan and Jessica Caplan. The dream is that on the next Book Day at school, Jessica and Bertie will not only be able to select a book they would like to read – but actually one they have written and published.

s a child psychologist, I soon became aware during the COVID pandemic that many children were suffering with anxiety, sleep disturbance, behavioural and mental health issues. Unfortunately, but understandably, I was sure that there would be a large number of children showing symptoms, including anxiety and sleeping problems, causing their parents and teachers concern. Indeed, this prediction is supported by growing evidence

This book has been written for your happiness and help with your sleep. The story was written to help us when we found it tricky to fall asleep. We hope this book helps you, like it helped us, and that you enjoy reading it as much as we enjoyed creating it.

A

At a personal level, together with two of my grandchildren Bertie (aged 10) and Jessica (aged 6) we decided to make a small contribution to help such children, by writing a children’s book to help children relax at bedtime, with a few helpful psychological tips for parents that I would add in at the end.

How a Children’s Book was Born

Not many children’s books are actually written by children. Belinda sent a contract to be signed by all three authors and was wonderful in seeking the views of Bertie and Jessica for every decision. Bertie, who is no stranger to voice-overs, also made an audio tape of the story, which we hope to use

Dear Little Readers,

I then called a publisher of children’s books, Belinda Ferreira, who is a specialist in this area. Belinda was really positive about the topic, and even more so as the book would be written by two children with their Papa – as I am called. It would be a true family production.

Love and sweet dreams

from Bertie (10) and Jessica (6).

The above article is adapted from one which first appeared in BeYachad, the magazine of the Shenley United Jewish Community

In January of 2021, I began relating a story about a team of little sleep doctors, who gently and lovingly travel around your body at night, making any hurty bits or worries go away. We developed characters who would come out, when called, and bring a tiny hoover, a tiny dustpan and brush and a tiny polisher to clear up all hurt, and finally one character who washes all your worries away

We tried and tested the story many times. Jessica and Bertie helped get the language right and also provided ideas about possible pictures and the development of the characters, so that the story would engage young children.

39Issue 3 - October 2022

Jessica wants to read the book aloud in the local library. She loves the idea that it would be sold on Amazon and elsewhere and be available to help lots of children. Here is the letter Bertie and Jessica wrote to include in the book, which sums things up:

The Amazing World of the Little Sleep Doctors

By Irvine Gersch

A

Meditation and relaxation provide further powerful tools to help children sleep and manage anxieties. There are many examples provided for adults in this area. For relaxation activities to work for children, these need to be simplified and adapted to the individual child. It would be helpful for parents/carers to listen to some of the many audiotapes or podcasts available, to get an idea of what is needed.

Children, Sleep and Anxiety

Irvine Gersch is emeritus professor in educational and child psychology at the University of East London (UEL), who has practiced as a child and educational psychologist for more than 40 years. In 2016 he received the Division of Educational and Child Psychology annual award for Distinguished Contributors to the profession. He has published widely, co-editing and authoring many books, chapters and journal articles including the Seed handbook – Everyday Parenting for Everyday Parents.

Thanks go Dr Rebecca Eliahoo (Editor) BeYachad Magazine and Belinda Ferreira (Director): Small World: Big Imagination Ltd, for their kind permission to reproduce material here, and Belinda’s ongoing support for this book, as well as to Bertie Caplan and Jessica Caplan for their co-authorship of the book.

40 Issue 3 - October 2022

Various sleep programmes recommend interval training e.g. the parents leave the child for longer and longer periods between visits, and/or reduce the time staying next to the child. There are many published books on this subject. What is important is that children do need the opportunity to learn their own series of mini behaviours and rituals to fall asleep. Thus, ideally, they should manage that final stage on their own. These rituals may include several turnings of the pillow, placing their toys in a certain position, having special items with them or lying in the right place (We adults also have these rituals, by the way.) When children are suffering from separation anxiety we have sometimes introduced a doll or item of clothing scented with the favourite perfume used by the parent, as a reassuring reminder This could help some children.

A reward system is a very powerful tool for use with young children. There are many such systems available involving the use of a chart so the child can both see, and be rewarded for, any progress. The system does need to have very clear, specified positive behavioural targets, in words the child can understand. Such targets should state what we want the child to do, rather than what we do not want them to do. And they should be easy to achieve, gradually and slowly building the degree of challenge For example, depending upon the nature of the problem and what the child can cope with, it might be “to go to sleep by a certain time” or “to stay in bed until 6 am” or “to reduce the number of awakenings to a set number”. It should have a clear recording system – with a slow build-up of ticks or stars leading to a reward at the end. The reward should be something that the child really wants. It is sometimes useful for the child to be able to earn minirewards along the way. There are many examples of star charts which can be found online, but it is always good for a child and parent to create their own. A chart is best displayed in a place where the child can see it easily and often. Ticks and stars should never be taken away for bad behaviour, as that will weaken the power of the tool. The chart should last for about 3 or 4 weeks.

1. Discussing any anxieties – real or imagined Discussion of anxieties is important, and it is vital to hear them out, even if they sound totally unrealistic and “silly” - because they are real and important to your child. They can be discussed in all sorts of ways and reassurance can be provided. However, listening respectfully is a vital first step. Some parents write the worries down and ceremoniously throw them away. One can also discuss how likely it would be for the events which cause anxiety, to actually happen. Remember these are real worries for the child, and thus must be taken seriously, and discussed sensitively and respectfully

3. A reward system and star chart

My preferred use with children is in three stages: (a) getting the child to make each part of their body feel heavy, whilst breathing gently and slowly; (b) guided imagery of them relaxing on an air bed in a swimming pool, on a warm beautiful day, and then finally; (c) imagining a return to their own room, feeling warm, safe and comfortable in their own bed.

‘The Amazing World of the Little Sleep Doctors’ (2021) by Irvine Gersch, Bertie Caplan and Jessica Caplan is published by Small World, Big Imaginations Ltd. The book can be ordered on the link below, or by email or phone: Email: orders@smlworld.co.uk Tel: 01280 850305 www.smlworld.co.uk/store/p477/The_Amazing_World_of_the_Little_ Sleep_Doctors.html

5 Essential Tips for Parents and Carers

4. A relaxation activity

2. The bedtime story and the brain

On each occasion, the child is invited to feel a part of their body as heavy, comfortable and relaxed by the adult specifying this very slowly, with increasingly long spaces between the words. Silence between the words is very important and the procedure should be undertaken very slowly and not rushed.

The story is meant as a disruptor of any negative thoughts, and as a vehicle for putting the child in a good mood for sleep. Of course, any favourite story can be used for this purpose. This story was designed to amuse and please young children, to reassure them and teach them about some of the benefits and importance of sleep.Thetrue

brain functions and biochemical healing processes are not dissimilar from the metaphor of sleep doctors. The interested parent may wish to review the biology, neuropsychology, brain science and biochemistry of healing, anxiety and sleep further, and eventually, when the child is ready, to tell them what really happens in greater depth.

5. Self–settling behaviour

Acknowledgements

Issue 3 - Rosh Hashanah 2022 1

Little Bicks Jewish Nurseries are all OUTSTANDING based in Stanmore Mill Hill Borehamwood www.littlebicks.co.uk

Fans of Seed

41 HUGE

Issue 3 - October 2022

42 Issue 3 - October 2022

Sarah Silkin is a proud mum and Seed educator at Rimon Jewish Primary School, who also runs our Babies & Bagels programme and the women’s One2One programme in London. She has a passion for teaching and has enjoyed forming relationships and learning with lots of different people over the years.

Life tools for Jewish Families

Here are some practical examples I would like to suggest:

2. To help your child to complete their homework, it is vital to create a supportive atmosphere in the home. I try to tidy the table and put out cut up fruit for the kids to enjoy while they are working on their assignments.

7. In the Shema we read “Ve’dibarta bam be’shivtecha be’vaytecha – and you shall speak of them when you sit in your house”.

This serves as a reminder to ask ourselves - what are we talking about in our homes? Are we saying positive things about our children’s teachers or putting them down? Kids hear everything, and if we model respect for their teachers, our children will be much more receptive to learning from them.

8. Send in a handwritten note thanking the teacher for a specific achievement in your child’s life. It means so much more to the teachers than any end of year gift. (I know because I was a teacher myself!)

A 43Issue 3 - October 2022

By Sarah Silkin

6. Don’t jump to conclusions when you hear something negative about your child’s teacher – remember that teachers are human beings too!

The more we partner with our Jewish schools and share the values they are trying to impart, the more our children will gain, growing up to be proud of their Jewish identity.

3 Celebrate your child’s school achievements at homeany milestone whether big or small, at every age and stage Put every certificate or achievement note on the fridge

family trip and our kids were so excited to show their teachers the photos we took.

5. Make sure to read your child’s school report carefully and use it as an opportunity to compliment them on their successes and discuss ways they may be able to do even better

Connecting Home Schooland

Having spent time thinking about and researching this topic, I have come to learn that a healthy teacher-parent partnership has a very important part to play in our children’s development.

We as parents need to try to reflect the values of our child’s school in order to achieve the best possible parent-school partnership, even if we are coming from different places when it comes to religious practice. Recently I was standing at the counter at Starbucks behind a mother and son. He was about eight years old, proudly wearing his Jewish school uniform complete with tzizit and kippa. The mother turned round to her son and said “Would you like one of those sandwiches?” The child replied “But Mum, it’s a ham sandwich! It’s not kosher!” To which the mum then replied “Honey, this one is with kosher ham!” Now, we all know there’s no such thing as kosher ham – unless it’s imitation ham, which those sandwiches certainly were not. The point of this story is not to lecture anyone about religious practice. Rather, the issue here is that the child was receiving mixed messages. He had clearly learned in school - the school his parents chose to send him to - that this meat was inappropriate for a Jew to eat. Yet, his mother was confusing him by effectively contradicting his teachers. This does not make for a well-balanced education. It is essential for every child to understand and see that his teachers and parents are singing from the same ‘zemirot’ sheet.

Just how important is a parent’s role in their child’s education? Perhaps a parent’s responsibility is to provide a happy and calm environment at home for their child and leave education to the teachers at school. Or can an argument be made for a strong parent-teacher relationship?

A

s we start the new school year, I would like to pose a question that I’m sure plays on many of your minds.

1. Show an interest in your child’s day at school when they come home. When you ask “How was school?” and the answer is always “Fine!” or “It was OK”, try and ask more specific questions, like “How was your art lesson today?” or “Did you get a new reading book?” In our family, at supper time we ask each child what they learned that day that they didn’t know yesterday It’s fascinating to hear their replies!

4. Keep the teacher informed of any change or events happening in your child’s life – including the fun ones. Recently we went on a

In fact, John Hatties in his seminal 2008 study, Visible Learning, found that the effect of parents being engaged with their child’s learning over the course of a student’s career is equivalent to adding two or three years to the child’s education! Underpinning this is both parties recognising the role of the other. If a teacher feels supported by a parent, it helps the teacher give more love and care to the student. And when a parent gets the sense that the teacher is interested in the welfare of their child, then they too are able to further support their child’s education at home Furthermore, when a child feels supported by his parents when it comes to their schooling, not only will their learning improve, but studies also reveal a host of other benefits, including better behaviour, greater self-esteem, higher attendance rates, lower risk of exclusion, more enthusiasm about learning and ultimately better results.

So it is clear that as parents we can do a tremendous amount to help our children thrive by establishing a wholesome rapport with their teachers.

I

I

By Jessica Boxer

44 Issue 3 - October 2022

Or Can They? Friends Don’t Lie

t’s an iconic statement repeated time and time again in Netflix sensation ‘Stranger Things’. Friendship and loyalty are key themes of the TV show, which opens with several 12-year old boys setting out to locate one of their group after he goes missing. When they come across the previously sheltered ‘Eleven’ along the way, they befriend her and teach her this paradigm: “Friends don’t lie”. The boys’ selflessness and care for one another are remarkable throughout the show, but the statement begs the question - should friends actually never lie?

I think we can probably assume that this was not the basis for the gang’s motto, but the Torah clearly states: “Mi’dvar sheker tirchak” – distance yourself from a false word (Shemot 23:7). It is the only negative mitzvah in which the language of “distance” is used, showing the importance of and weight of the obligation to be truthful. The Ten Commandments themselves tell us not to bear false witness, and in Pirkei Avot truth is described as “the seal of G-d” (1:18).

Honesty certainly creates a firm foundation for all types of relationships, but it is too black and white to state that it is always the best policy. Our original Torah verse in Shemot, “Mi’dvar sheker tirchak” goes on to say “v’naki v’tzadik al taharog” - do not kill an innocent or righteous man. This implies that the most crucial and fundamental issue with lying is when it causes harm to someone else – and we can’t always foresee what form this damage might take. But as we delve further, the halacha makes it clear that we have to keep in mind the other core values which truth-telling may come into conflict with, such as keeping the peace and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

One final thought. Speech is what makes us unique – it enables us to connect with others and forge strong, meaningful relationships. Every time we speak, we have the chance to use this gift wisely. By choosing our words carefully and trying our best to tell the truth when we know it’s the right thing to do, we show an appreciation for this gift that G-d has given us.

Yaakov, with the help of his mother Rivka, dresses like his brother Esav in order to receive the blessings which Yitzchak wanted to give to Esav When Yitzchak directly asks him “Who are you, my son?” Yaakov responds: “I am Esav your firstborn.”

Just picture the scene. Grandma has made her speciality: banana birthday cake. She moves towards your children to kvell in their pleasure eating this delicacy. Unbeknownst to Grandma though, the kids think the cake is about as tasty as an old wet sock.

45Issue 3 - October 2022

As Grandma asks the kids if they enjoyed the cake, you see Jonny, your seven-year old, contemplate and vaguely remember that mummy said something about always telling the truth. He makes the decision that honesty is the best policy and is about to speak. You fear the worst, run towards him, trying to prevent Grandma’s currently smiling face quickly transforming into a frown or worse, as Jonny describes with complete and utter honesty why he feels the cake tastes like a smelly old sock…

The latter comes up all the time, especially in parenting! For example, it would be preferable to say “If we can, maybe we will go to the park later” as opposed to the more definitive “I promise I’ll take you to the park later” if there’s a risk that you might not be able to keep your word.

So there are clearly situations when it is not only permitted to ‘embellish’ the truth but it is actually a mitzvah to do so (saving Grandma’s feelings may be one of these!) The Talmud gives two examples – you should praise the beauty of a bride to her groom, and compliment a purchase someone has made, even if you don’t really think that much of the bride’s hairstyle choice or feel that the top your friend bought is particularly flattering.

In the 13th century, Rabbeinu Yonah described truth as “one of the foundations of the soul” and went on to detail nine different types of falsehood to avoid in his book ‘Shaarei Teshuva’. They are surprisingly wide-ranging, with some more ‘obvious’ categories like telling a lie for your own pleasure or convenience, but he even states that promising to do something with the intention of keeping your word and then deciding at a later stage to renege on the promise can be considered an act of falsehood.

Yet, if we look at some of the stories earlier in the Torah, lying seems to be a big part of the narrative.

Elsewhere we are told that we can alter the truth to help create peace between two people who are fighting, and that falsehood is also allowed if it is the only way to protect property from theft (although we are encouraged to minimise any lies we tell by telling half-truths whenever possible).

The commentator Rashi defends the lie by suggesting that it could be read as two separate statements. “I am” the one who is bringing you food, and parenthetically, “Esav is your firstborn.” While perhaps that excuses some level of verbal dishonesty, it does not change the fact that the whole act is one of deception! Clearly there are certain times when other values override the virtue of honesty

I’m sure that as the fictional Stranger Things gang grow up, they too will discover that in reality, “Friends don’t lie” is an over simplification of the ethics of truth-telling. Other values have to be balanced with the critical value of truthfulness. But one very practical message that the show hammers home successfully is that strong relationships are fundamentally built on trust, and that honesty is something that is often intertwined with trust.

Many times in the series, trust is tested and characters must choose to believe that their friends are telling the truth, even when they seem crazy

46 Issue 3 - October 2022

‘The Space Between’ means creating time between the trigger (my kids fighting, my spouse saying something I don’t like…) and my response to the trigger. Because when ‘The Space Between’ isn’t there, all we have is reaction. When we can create ‘The Space Between’, what we get instead is response. A reaction is an instinct – it’s saying or doing whatever the first feeling that comes up tells me to do. A response is what ‘I’ want to say or do So how do I create ‘The Space Between’, to enable the real, wise me to respond rather than react? There are three stages – Notice, Breathe and Respond. First, notice what is going on inside you. This isn’t always easy when we are busy with life! But it is essential in order to be able to breathe - to allow yourself to remember what the real you wants to say or do. Then, you can respond in a way that you will be proud to look back on. When you notice and acknowledge your emotions, you are creating ‘The Space Between’ the events unfolding around you and the emotional turmoil it brings about inside you, and how you really want to respond to the situation. Noticing gives you the distance you need to be able to re-assess rather than react. Breathing gives you the ability to bring objectivity back into play and allow the long-term picture to take the lead. Once you have all of this in place, you can then respond. As you are reading this, try to imagine a scenario involving those close to you that you know generally doesn’t go the way you hope or plan. Then notice what feelings and thoughts are coming up for you, acknowledge them, and then imagine yourself breathing and responding in a new way - a way that you want to respond.

he dreaded ‘blurt-it-out’ disease. We’ve all been there One of your kids annoys you, or your spouse comments on something… and before you know it, you blurt out words that you regret the minute you hear yourself say them. When this happens to me I’m always left wondering… what just happened?! How could I have said that? It felt like my thought process was totally short-circuited - I didn’t even get to think about how I felt, let alone choose what I said! What just happened was that it wasn’t actually ‘me’ who responded - it was my fight or flight response. The part of my brain called the amygdala detected danger in my environment, manifested in my spouse or children, and therefore cut off the thinking part of my brain and responded with what it considered an appropriate reaction, in order to subdue the Tdanger.hisresponse could manifest in all sorts of ways – it could look like me running out of the room, me yelling and shouting, or me going into a sulk Trdon’taractsimmediawithdrawing.andThesete,instinctiveofself-protectionethereasonwhy‘I’getachancetoespondtowhatmybrainconsidersa‘dangerous’situation.heideathatwearen’t

in control of our reactions is uncomfortable to say the least, especially when we consider the hurt it could cause to those we love the most. So how do we access the real ‘me’ to respond in these difficult moments? Because I really do know what the right response would look like – I’m just not getting the chance to access this wisdom before the fight or flight response kicks in. The first step to accessing this wisdom and being able to respond the way we want to is to create something I call ‘The Space Between’.

Life tools for Jewish Families

By Elisheva Fisher

Mrs Elisheva Fisher is both a Seed educator and a trained and practising psychotherapist. She loves teaching and learning and is in her element interacting and socialising with people.

Now feel that sense of pride and accomplishment: this is creating ‘The Space Between’.

T

47Issue 3 - October 2022

The Space Between

Do You Want to be Right or Happy?

By Talya Ressel

(and many times we are) but we go on to fight that fight regardless of the cost.

3 Tools to Navigate Conflict in a Marriage

W

hile I was learning to drive, I was taught a very powerful lesson that has stuck with me, which I often share in my therapy sessions with the couples I work with. At one of those notorious roundabouts, there was a near miss – I was adamant that it was my right of way (which it was!) but the other driver continued to pull out ahead. At that point my future husband asked me, “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be safe?” That has stuck with me ever since. It is so applicable to relationships as well as driving, especially when it comes to a healthy marriage. So often we feel and believe we are right

W

Conflict is a normal occurrence in healthy, stable relationships. It simply wouldn’t be viable for two people to navigate the stressors and demands of daily life, balancing their family’s needs and their own with finite resources such as time, money and attention and not expect there to be some conflict. With the overwhelming majority of the couples I have worked with, it is not the actual conflict that is hurting the relationship, but rather how the conflict is being dealt with that is damaging.

48 Issue 3 - October 2022

3. Take a break

Unfortunately, we are rarely taught tools to navigate conflict in a healthy way, which is why I am so passionate about helping families find what works for them.

So often a client comes into a therapy session listing all the things that their partner has done wrong, and I get it - the frustration, anger, and pain is real. Often in conflict it’s like a dance - he says this, she says that, so he does that, and she does that and repeat. There is a dynamic that plays out recurrently, and in order to make effective changes to that dynamic we need to get real about what baggage, insecurities and wounds we bring from our past experiences.

Talya Ressel is a psychotherapist who has worked in both South Africa and England for the past 16 years. She is now based in North London and works with individuals, couples, and families. Beyond private therapy sessions, Talya runs therapeutic groups and training workshops as well as providing consultancy services for various schools and organisations. Talya has appeared regularly on radio and TV programmes as well as contributing many articles in a variety of print media. For more info please see www.talyaressel.com

My top three strategies are as follows:

By taking a break, and yes, even going to bed with a conflict that is unresolved, you allow your body to calm down, enabling the rational part of you to take back the reigns and preventing things from escalating. Once each of you have taken that time out then the issues can be discussed in a more productive, supportive and less emotionally-charged way

2. Be aware of your own role and triggers

Most likely you have heard the saying, ‘Don’t go to bed angry’. Well actually that is not what the research shows. In fact, when you are in the midst of a conflict and emotions have escalated, one of the best things you can do is step away and take some time to regulate your body. If you pay attention to your body during conflict, you will probably notice several physical symptoms - increased heart rate, stomach tightening, feeling hot or clammy, throat feeling tight or increased adrenaline making it hard to sit still. These symptoms tells us that your body is in flight, fight or freeze mode, and likely one of those ‘parts’ discussed earlier, has taken over to protect you.

49Issue 3 - October 2022

I know we wish our partners could read our minds, but they can’t. That fantasy, which is impossible to fulfil, leads to so much disappointment. Rather, I encourage couples to be open and direct about their needs, their frustrations and their expectations, but said in a way that is not critical or hurtful. Just like we find it useful to have a job specification at work and know what is expected of us, it is similar in a marriage. Talk about your expectations of each other, for example what is your responsibility and what is mine

It can be helpful to view yourself as made up of many different parts that have developed over time. These ‘parts’ are like little people inside of us, each with their own wants, needs, dreams, wishes, and fears, trying to do what each thinks is best for you. Each part has a different role to play and comes forward at different times - sometimes they agree and sometimes they clash. There are parts that take over when we are feeling threatened, scared, attacked or defensive. They try protecting us, but sometimes can hinder more than help. We stop thinking rationally and the goal becomes to protect ourselves at all costs. It is very common for a client to tell me that in a heated moment, “It’s like a switch, something just took over” or “I knew I shouldn’t have said that but I couldn’t help myself”.

After moments like that, it’s important to reflect on the situationwhat were you feeling? What felt like a trigger? Was it a familiar experience? We must be honest and vulnerable, and that is scary! Over time and with practice, if each partner starts taking responsibility for their own reactions and responses, then slowly but surely the ‘dance’ starts to change

When each partner takes responsibility for expressing their own needs, managing their own reactions, and regulating their emotions, we see that conflict can actually bring about positive change. For those with children, it is also modelling to them what skills are needed to manage differences in a healthy way. Often parents tell me that they try and hide their conflicts from their children, but I believe it is OK and even healthy for them to see you disagree. What is most important is that they see how you handle the conversation and its repair - with respect and care for each other

1. Clear is kind

Both partners come into the marriage with different life experiences and different role models, so you need to be open about how this relationship is working for you. This openness needs to carry on throughout the relationship as times change and the marriage adapts through the life cycle. Too much left unspoken builds up and can be very damaging to both parties.

50 Issue 3 - October 2022

For some, heated moments are inevitable. You may disagree about politics or your in-laws may criticise your parenting. Taking a deep breath or even stepping out for a few moments can help clear your head so that small conflicts don’t erupt into anger. Better still, try to keep topics like politics, religion, or anything else controversial out of your conversations with your in-laws if they have a tendency to escalate into a row

10Tips for UppingTop Your In-Law Game

For others, making any form of conversation with your in-laws can be a struggle, and you may feel as if the only thing you have in common is the grandkids. Try to find activities that you can bond over instead. Maybe your mother-in-law can teach you an old family recipe or you can ask your father-in-law to help you plan some improvements to your garden.

2. Avoid Comparisons

7. Try To Be Flexible

4. Each To Their Own

3. Establish Healthy Boundaries

Most of us have a picture in our minds of how our in-laws should behave or what they should do for us and for our children. Letting go of expectations is about recognising that we cannot control other people, we can only control the way we respond to them. It’s also important to appreciate what they do do for you. They might not offer to babysit so you can have a date night, but maybe they are pros at giving the children one-to-one attention when they come to visit. Don’t forget to tell them how much you appreciate what they do

When you got married, becoming a son-in-law or daughter-in-law came with the territory, but maintaining an ongoing healthy relationship with your spouse has to be a number one priority if you want to manage those new relationships successfully. It’s vital to establish healthy, sensitive and respectful communication with each other about any in-law issues that come up

9. Look For Common Ground

In-law relationships can be a wonderful part of married life… but for many, they can also be stressful or go through stressful periods. Either way, your in-laws are part of your life now, and like it or not you have to make the best of it! Here are some tips for living with and loving your in-laws.

Your kids are always watching and listening, so it’s important to role-model kindness in all your interactions with family members and extended family. Greet your in-laws warmly and speak to them in a respectful way at all times, even if you don’t feel like they do the same to you.

By Jessica Boxer

You and your spouse should decide together what your boundaries are as a family. If your mother-in-law comes for an uninvited visit every other day while you husband is at work, perhaps he can tell her that she’s welcome to come for Shabbat dinner instead, or whatever other arrangement you feel comfortable with. Another easy win is asking her to take the kids out to the park after school or on a Sunday

Offer to lend a hand in the kitchen or with the laundry, or to buy something that they need when you pop out to the shops. Pay your mother-in-law a compliment on her new blouse, or send your father-in-law cute videos of your kids. If you are creatively inclined, you could make your in-laws a photo album or a handmade birthday card. Acts of kindness are a powerful way to show them how much you care

Try not to draw comparisons between your own family and that of your spouse. Your expectations of each other will always be different from those that were instilled in you by your own family of origin because every family dynamic is unique.

Try to pick your battles. If Grandma gives your kids too much junk food when they visit her, maybe that is something you can just let go of. Focus on only addressing the issues that really matter to you while letting the less important problems slide

8. Keep Your Cool & Avoid Hot Topics

10. Always Be Kind

1. Put Your Marriage First

6. Be A Giver

As husband and wife, it’s generally best if each of you addresses your own parents when issues come up. Confronting your mother in-law or father-in-law (or even your sister-in-law) can set the stage for unnecessary drama.

5. Let Go Of Expectations & Practice Gratitude

51Issue 3 - October 2022

But on Friday 16th November 2018, there was no match to strike, no long white candles, no silver candlesticks. No feeling of peace. The flick of two small switches on the underside of a pair of electric tea lights gave me no respite from the exhaustion and fear that had consumed me for days. We were nearing the end of day six of Hillel's confinement to a tiny room in Barnet hospital, and it was his birthday - he was exactly one month old.

T

here is nothing quite like the beginning of Shabbat. Every Friday before the sun sets, I look forward to the feeling of peace that I know will rush over me after I light my Shabbat candles, set in the silver candlesticks passed down through generations of my family. As I light, I sometimes imagine a lined, older face surrounded by a shawl in a dimly lit shtetl cottage. Her mouth moves to the same pattern as mine, praying for her children and grandchildren.

By Jessica Boxer

For five nights I snatched fitful snippets of broken sleep, fearful that I wouldn’t hear Hillel the next time he had a coughing fit and needed me. The only respite was visits from family, and the only structure was the three-hourly hum of the milk pump and my little trips to the ward freezer

As had so often been the case I was alone with Hillel, just watching him attentively as he lay at the centre of the too-large bed with tubes and machines all around him, when he went very quiet. My eyes immediately shifted to the green numbers on the monitor, which were dropping - too far and too fast. I shouted, nurses came. I can't remember what they did but the numbers picked up again and he was ok. I wondered dizzily if it had been real, or if I had made a mistake, or if what I had seen was simply a confused product of sleep deprivation.

When the numbers dropped a second time, my husband was there too to confirm that I hadn’t imagined it. A nurse who I had never seen before appeared and pressed the big red button on the wall behind Hillel's bed.

My Bronchi Baby

T 52 Issue 3 - October 2022

Nothing in those exhausting five days could have prepared me for what happened that Friday, not long before I flicked the switches on the electric tea lights.

I knew only too well that it was day six, because day five was the deadline that the doctors had given us for the bronchiolitis to 'turn a corner'. Until then, we were assured, "Today might be the day he gets better, let’s try turning down the oxygen. Oh actually his saturation levels are down again, we need to stop the tube feeds... and let’s turn the pressure up again..." A cruel cycle of hope and disappointment that accompanied the unrelenting weight of responsibility for this suddenly very sick infant who my two older children had joyfully welcomed home a few weeks earlier

After several days on a ventilator, I was warned that Hillel’s recovery would probably be slow, and that he would likely be prone to chest infections in the future. But with the help of the medical team and Hashem he bounced back at record speed, even learning how to nurse again. He’s had no medical complications since then, and is thank G-d a bouncy, happy and intelligent little boy today

We were also told that the best paediatric anaesthetist in the entire hospital would be performing this delicate procedure. We wished Hillel didn't need someone quite so well-qualified.

Our six days at Barnet hospital ended very much how they had started, when we were shocked to have Hillel rushed away from us to the resuscitation area of A&E - surrounded by medical staff within minutes of our arrival. Only this time it seemed as though three times as many doctors and nurses had appeared, whilst we the parents were sent outside so that they could determine our son’s fate out of earshot. Shabbat is a joyful time and we aren’t supposed to cry, but as I stood outside the closed door to Hillel's hospital room, shocked and helpless, I cracked. I'm pretty sure I unwittingly terrified the other parents and their kids on the openplan ward nearby with their broken legs, appendicitis and other relatively minor ailments.

When we finally arrived at the surprisingly calm St Mary's Hospital at two o’clock in the morning, we soon began turning a long-awaited corner The doctors were going to test Hillel for absolutely everything, he would have 24-hour nursing care and bronchi babies like him were their ‘bread and butter’. Shabbat finally enveloped us in its cloak of comfort and peace

53Issue 3 - October 2022

I sometimes struggle with faith, but I have never prayed as intensely as I did that evening in the dark, silent waiting room on the third floor of the hospital, far away from my little one. I didn't know where he was and wasn't allowed anywhere near him in any case. Finally, the ‘best anaesthetist in the hospital’ appeared at the door

His first words to us: "He's alive".

Before long we were told that Hillel would need to be put to sleep, a tube inserted into his throat and a ventilator used to do his breathing for him. "He's just too tired" they said. I may not be medically trained but it wasn't hard to grasp what "tired" was code for.

Then there was more waiting. Which hospital with an intensive care unit for children would we be taken to? How long until the specialist ambulance would arrive? And then the lengthy process of safely transferring Hillel into the capsule they use for transporting very sick babies.

I will never forget what Hillel went through, but recounting his story reminds me to be grateful for every Friday that I am blessed with the opportunity to strike a match and light those long white candles again, with all three of my children by my side.

Vital Information & Practical Tips

Bronchiolitis is a chest infection that affects babies and children under 2. It usually develops from a ‘common cold’ virus called RSV. It is generally mild and can be treated at home, but it can become serious - particularly in babies under 3 months old.

54 Issue 3 - October 2022

Jessica Boxer is the editor of the Family Matters magazine and creates Seed’s newsletters, social media posts, fundraising literature and more. She lives in Edgware with her husband and three children and loves to read, write, learn and create

Life tools for Jewish Families

As well as the usual cold symptoms like a stuffy nose or cough, there are some specific signs of bronchiolitis in babies that may seem minor but that all parents should know to look out for. The top three: If your baby isn’t feeding as frequently or taking as much milk as normal, if they seem more sleepy and sluggish generally or if their breathing is faster than you’re used to – these are all reasons to take them to the GP

If you have a baby due anytime during the cold and flu season (September to March), I would suggest taking a little more care during the first few months of their life when it comes to cuddles from older siblings or cousins. Children generally catch 8 to 10 colds a year so I personally assume they have one at any given time in the season! I would also limit the baby’s contact with symptomatic adults as much as you possibly can.

COVID trained us all to wash our hands frequently, disinfect our homes more thoroughly and exercise caution in crowded indoor spaces – with a little one around this is particularly important, as is training siblings to cover their mouth and nose when they cough or sneeze and to dispose of used tissues hygienically. I would also encourage well-meaning relatives to kiss the baby’s toes or the top of their head rather than their hands or cheeks.

Save the Date 14 May 2023 WEEK COMMENCING OUR WORDS SAY MORE ABOUT US THAN THEY SAY TO OTHERS 55Issue 3 - October 2022

56 Issue 3 - October 2022

Buying etrogim is a lengthy and tiring job. Our main supplier in Israel is situated in a vast 'machsan' (warehouse) with large refrigerated rooms and boxes piled high to the ceiling with etrogim covering every square inch. You have to spend at least a whole day going through thousands and thousands of etrogim, choosing the ones you think your customers will want. You also have to commit to buying a large quantity of cheaper etrogim before the supplier brings out - reluctantly - some of the better quality ones. When he does start bringing out the better ones, invariably they will not be of the quality you want and you need to start negotiating in order to get him to bring you better stock. The machsan is very hot and noisy, and there are always quite a few other merchants from America, England and Europe going through the same process in another corner

Indeed they do get damaged, but because they are well wrapped and packaged, damages are generally kept to a minimum. Any damaged etrogim are used to make etrog jam - the other three species usually end up in the bin unfortunately!

About 45 years now

Do any of the items ever get damaged on the way to you? What do you do with them?

Two shmitta cycles ago in 2008 I went to Agadir in Morocco to source our etrogim. I was travelling by car to visit an etrog orchard and we had very rough instructions as to how to get there. The journey went from road to dirt track to a large open field in the middle of nowhere. We suddenly saw a jeep coming towards us across the field and the men inside called out to us to stop. We were a bit apprehensive to say the least, but it turned out that in the back of their truck were several boxes of etrogim, which they tried to sell to us! We declined their offer as we only buy our

How do you go about choosing and buying the etrogim?

The ‘arba minim’ are the four species of plant that are brought together during Sukkot, consisting of a ‘lulav’ (date palm frond), an ‘etrog’ (citron), at least three ‘hadassim’ (myrtle branches) and two ‘aravot’ (willow branches). It is possible to buy pre-prepared rabbinically-approved sets of arba minim, but many prefer to select their own. Stephen Colman sells arba minim every year at the Golders Green Beth Hamedrash – we asked him to tell us more about his vocation.

It most certainly does - but only the etrogim. This year most of our etrogim will come from either Spain or Morocco, but we will also have some from Israel under certain special conditions.

How long have you been selling arba minim for?

etrogim from recognised sources, but the way that this jeep appeared of the blue with boxes of etrogim was very memorable

Where do you source the different components from?

Are there ever any other issues during the importing process? It seems that every year a different problem arises and must be dealt with. The best example was a few years ago when the first shipment arrived - and was promptly pounced on by the health authorities. It appeared that a new EEC regulation regarding the maximum length of the etrog's 'uketz' (the stem that is cut from the tree) had been advised to - and ignored by - the Israeli suppliers. This was to counteract any potential spread of disease to other citrus fruit trees (the fact that we do not have citrus fruit trees growing in the UK was irrelevant!). When the shipment was stopped and examined it was found that 95% of the etrogim in that shipment had an uketz that was too long. They wanted to destroy the whole shipment. I was the first to discover this issue and luckily it was only a small shipment, and gave us time to try to act. I immediately got in touch with the Board of Deputies who sprang into action, and after much negotiation between quite a few different government bodies, we managed to reach a last minute agreement that ensured that we had etrogim for that Sukkot. But it was very tight!

57Issue 3 - October 2022

Does shmitta affect the arba minim at all?

Meet Lulav and Etrog Salesman Stephen Colman

Mainly Israel, but also Morocco and Italy - and possibly Spain this year because it’s a shmitta year (‘Shmitta’ is also known as the Sabbatical year - just as the Torah calls for Jews to work six days and rest on the seventh, it calls for us to work the land six years and let it rest in the seventh. It applies only in the land of Israel.)

The one shul in Agadir was packed with Jews of every nationality that week, all there to buy etrogim. We were all staying in different accommodation but we decided to get together on Shabbos and eat our meals together. It was an amazing Shabbos. Everybody had their own food and own minhagim (traditions), and the common language was sometimes English, sometimes Ivrit and sometimes Yiddish. We were a very mixed bunch of Sefardim, Ashkenazim, Chassidim and lots more in between. It was a wonderful break after a week's very hard work - and a Shabbos to remember

As with any commodity, price is determined by quality and availability. With the etrog, shape and cleanliness are the key factors. A totally ‘clean’ etrog, i.e. one without any marks or dots, and with a pleasant shape will go into the higher price bracket, simply because of the rarity factor. The same applies to the other three species. I buy a whole selection of grades but also need to regrade them on arrival as they often change in shape and cleanliness from when picked to when they arrive here in the UK.

Sales of arba minim will held be at the Golders Green Beth Hamedrash Hall, The Riding, London NW11 8HL. For sale times go to www.arbaminim.net Arba minim can also be ordered online and delivered to NW London postcodes. 58 Issue 3 - October 2022

What do you do the rest of the year?

When do you normally start selling arba minim?

How much do people normally spend on average on an arba minim set?

I have heard of an etrog (not the set - just the etrog) being sold for £500+. But let me hasten to add that is quite rare, and certainly doesn’t happen at my own retail outlet.

I always see many customers browsing through my stock, not really knowing what they are looking for and looking over their shoulders to see what the next person is doing. I would say to them – “Stop! Come and find me, or my son Yehudah (an expert in his own right!) or any of our staff, and ask for our advice and help”. We are always happy to explain everything to our customers and help them choose a set they will be proud to hold and shake on Sukkot.

Who determines the pricing and how do they decide how much each item should cost?

That is a difficult question to answer. I try to cater for everybodythat means every shape, size and quality. I would say that an average price range would be between £35 and £50 for a set, but

As I mentioned, the etrog should be as clean as possibleaccording to the price category - and tower shaped. They either come with or without a ‘pitam’ (a small extension on the fruit located at the opposite end from the stem), so whether the customer wants a pitam is also a factor. The lulav should be tall and straight, and what is most important is that the top middle leaves should not be split.

I open for business on the day after Rosh Hashana - but most people buy after Yom Kippur

What do people tend to look for when choosing their lulav and etrog?

of course we also have cheaper and more expensive sets as well. What’s the strangest question or request you’ve ever had?

Every year a few people come armed with a tape measure as they need to fit the lulav into a suitcase, and we have to find them the shortest lulav possible - we usually end up having to trim it to fit (from the bottom !!) . People also often have their own way of binding the lulav. Usually we put three 'rings' around the lulav to hold it all together. We had one regular customer who wanted it bound with a minimum of 18 rings.

What advice would you give to the general public about buying a lulav and etrog?

What’s the most you’ve ever heard of someone spending on an etrog?

I am a mortgage broker by profession specialising in equity release mortgages for the elderly

Monday 19 December 8.15 - 9.45pm @ Seed London Join us for our annual celebration of One2One learning with inspirational guest speaker Contact dcohen@seed.uk.net for more details Let There Be Light! Sunday 11 December 2.30 - 4.00pm @ Seed London Ages 1 - 12 Pre-Chanukah Mania! Incredible shows, balloon modelling, face painting like never before PLUS much much more... Contact debbie@seed.uk.net for more details 59Issue 3 - October 2022

Rabbi Herman: “Since COVID we all thought that Zoom was the new reality - that people would no longer come out in the evenings when they could sit in the comfort of their home and simply watch a class on a screen. By nature I am a face-to-face person, so to me the stand-out memory of the past year was the first post-COVID class I gave. We had all forgotten that inexpressible power of human connection – sitting around a table, sharing ideas, communicating through words and the unspoken subtleties of body language. Although Zoom is an incredible tool, it can never replace the magic and the energy of true human interactions.”

Rabbi Birnbaum: “Simchat Torah lunch at our shul was memorable. It was the first time we had broken the COVID barrier by having so many of our families together in one place It was very special to reunite as a community.”

Rabbi Edwards: “Sometimes it’s the small things that give you nachas as a Seed educator. I have been teaching a group about prayer for a long time and as such, I bought them each an interlinear Artscroll siddur to help them understand the davening. When I saw one of them bring their new siddur to the Seed shul, sit there and slowly and carefully go through the prayers, there was nothing more inspiring for me than that.”

Lauren Lemon: “I found the reception at the Seed shul very touching. It was lovely to see so many people come out and show appreciation for Rabbi Grunfeld. I also enjoyed the video showing some of his funny moments over the years.”

60 Issue 3 - October 2022

Rabbi Shaya Grunfeld: “My best memory has to be Seed Shabbos Project where families committed to keep a whole Shabbat. Standing on the corner, watching the sight of about 25 people from eight Seed families arriving at our centre (after a very long walk together from Whitefield to Prestwich) was truly inspiring.”

Rabbi Bazak: “The beautiful family Havdalah at our seminar in May. It was a very special and spiritual moment that the families shared together.”

Rabbi Joey Grunfeld: “It has to be the reception that was held in London in May. I was so touched to see so many wonderful faces who have been such a big part of Seed over the years, some of whom I hadn’t seen since the 1990s!”

Memorable Moments of the past year at Seed

Rabbi Fine: “A father was learning to recite kiddush on Friday night and then did it at my home when they came to us for a meal… and of course the decluttering of the landfill site that is the Seed office is an ongoing source of entertainment.”

Mirele Mordecai: “The Chocolate Wonderland event was a lot of fun. I ordered something like 45kg of chocolate!”

Rabbi Ross: “The Shavuot late night learning in our home, with 20 men and women, was magical. This was followed by delicious and relaxing lunches, with 11 families celebrating the beauty of Shavuot together.”

Robyn Samir: “On the day of our match-fund campaign the Wordle of the day was ‘Donor’. And I was so exhausted I didn’t understand what everyone found so amazing about thisI read it as ‘Doner’ as in ‘Doner Kebab’!”

Gila Ross: “Every class – it’s so special to be amongst a group of like-minded women who come together to learn to be better Jewish women are so courageous.”

Sarah Silkin: “We created a new ‘Family Time’ event for all Babies & Bagels and Partytime families past and present. It was amazing having the dads there and hearing them make comments like “Oh this is where my wife spends all her time!” It was just a really super event and we hope to do it again next term.”

61Issue 3 - October 2022

Debbie Rosenberg: “It was so emotional seeing all the gorgeous kids who I’d known since they were babies at our Partytime Shabbat graduation last term. There was such a warm feeling in the room that we were all part of one family.”

Rabbi Litwin: “Over COVID I lost touch with one of the closest friends I have made through Seed. Recently he came back to the Seed Centre for an event and we shared a long embrace. It felt like two long-lost brothers had reunited. As we hugged each other he whispered in my ear ‘It’s so good to be home.’”

to bake challah instead of buying it may seem a thrifty choice, but may take up billable working time, or drain us of valuable headspace and affect our mental health and wellbeing.

Upurchases.ndertaking

A

Cost of Living Crisis: Seeing the Forest, Not the Trees

Joining a rota to get the kids to and from school to save money on the costly school bus service may leave you so wiped out and time-poor that you find yourself buying take-away dinners at a hefty price instead of cooking supper

Extreme measures that lower our standard of living typically do not endure. In addition, arbitrary cuts do not always take into consideration the impact on individual members of the family or on the general mood of the home. If we want our streamlining efforts to be successful, it’s crucial to get the entire family on board and to work together with a positive mindset. Ideally, we need to have a careful strategy in place that considers the knock-on effect of our choices.

As a result, a large number of families find themselves desperately struggling to keep their finances in the black.

Consider the following examples:

By Benji Landau

URGENCY

62

fter a couple of rollercoaster years, the dust of COVID-19 seemed to finally be settling, and its global financial fall-out fading into oblivion. But before we had a chance to catch our breath, the cost of living crisis arrived and for many of us, it was very much a case of falling out of the frying pan into the fire. Today, prices are rising at an unprecedented rate — ostensibly caused by factors out of our control, such as the inaccessibility of Ukrainian grain and the boycott on Russian fuel.

The urgency of the situation compels us to find ways to cut back, now. Many of us zero in on one specific expense or another, slashing at “individual trees,” without looking at the “forest.” But these kinds of cutbacks can often prove ineffective at best, and counterproductive at worst.

Issue 3 - October 2022

A

Driving fifteen minutes out of the way to get cheaper petrol may save a few pounds, whilst giving us a feeling of complacency that leads us to make unbudgeted impulse

CLARITY: Even if the monthly “balance” turns out to be a clear shortfall, just knowing how much the shortfall is can be reassuring. You are no longer swimming in a mire of uncertainty; the number is quantifiable

Benji Landau is the Executive Director of Mesila UK. Mesila tackles issues of financial hardship within the Jewish community, typically caused by high cost of living and financial mismanagement. They do this through one-to-one financial coaching, educational initiatives such as webinars, and regular social media content including videos and infographics.

Now take the data you’ve accumulated and organise the expenses into different categories:

Step One – Determine Income

WHAT ARE THE BENEFITS?

CONTROL: Knowing where you stand also gives you a greater feeling of control. Awareness of the exact discrepancy between income and expenditure gives you a defined goal and helps you make smarter spending decisions.

To figure out your total average monthly expenditure, start by adding up your fixed monthly expenses and average fluctuating monthly expenses. Then add up your periodic and annual expenses, divide by 12 and add it to the first amount. That should give you a reasonable approximation of how much money you spend in an average month. Finally, pad out your average by 5 to 10% to cover unanticipated or unbudgeted expenses.

At first glance, you may feel that this process doesn’t actually provide any solution. After all, the only noticeable change will be knowing how challenging the situation is, which is more likely to increase anxiety than to improve the situation!

How can we know which cutbacks will get us balanced financially and which will merely make things worse?

And how can we determine how much our spending needs to be trimmed in order to ease the financial crunch?

Step Two – Track Expenses

Step Three – Calculate Expenses

Write down everything your family spends for a period of two to three months. Use bills, invoices, bank statements and credit card statements to help you document transactions. Keep a small notebook handy to jot down cash purchases that do not appear in these documents.

DIRECTION: In the process of recording all these details, some overspending habits automatically emerge and it will become obvious where you can streamline without overly straining your quality of life

OPTIONS: Once you have the numbers laid out in front of you, you can more easily consider your options. Perhaps, instead of covering that sum by lowering expenses, you might be able to enhance your income in some way — taking on extra hours at work, requesting a deserved raise, or developing an unrealised talent into a side job that can bring in remuneration.

We’re in for some challenging times ahead – of that there can be no doubt. But the more prepared we are, the better equipped we’ll be to weather the storm. See the forest –and you won’t be overwhelmed by the trees!

63Issue 3 - October 2022

Granted, this requires a bit of time and record-keeping work, but it is really quite easy. Put simply, we need to determine how much money is coming into the home, how much is going out, and where that money is going. Here is a quick “how-to”:

Fixed monthly expenses (such as rent or mortgage and school fees)

It’s time to widen your view and look at the bigger picture of your finances. Once you have the entire “forest” spread out before you, it will be much clearer which “trees” to target in order to get your finances on an even keel.

Fluctuating monthly expenses (such as utilities and groceries)

Periodic/annual expenses (such as Pesach costs or summer holidays)

Record your monthly household income. Income includes wages for regular work, money from extra jobs, investment earnings, benefits, and interest. Then, add in income that’s earned annually such as dividends, gifts and periodic work. Divide this annual income by 12 and add it to the figure for monthly income

But, in fact, for most people, this simple process of creating a financial snapshot is eye-opening and empowering, and provides several clear benefits:

In short, getting the whole picture actually lowers your stress level and opens your horizons.

Now, compare the figure for your average monthly income and the figure for your average monthly expenditures. What you should be left with is your monthly surplus or shortfall. Make sure it looks and feels right, and if not, go through the steps again to make sure there were no mistakes made along the way

ZOOM OUT

So, what’s the solution?

64 Issue 3 - October 2022

Life tools for Jewish Families

Rabbi Gary Bazak is one of Seed’s senior educators. Over the past 10 years he has spearheaded the educational creativity in some of our flagship projects such as the famous residential seminars, the family education programme in Jewish primary schools and most recently the establishing of the Borehamwood Kollel. He is well known for his rare ability to communicate the deepest ideas to both the expert and the novice with dynamism and his trademark humour

Once we believe that, we can set our mind to the hard work of actualising that potential and achieving our spiritual mission. In the merit of us actualising our individual missions, may we see the actualisation of Hashem’s broader mission of a perfected world (perhaps with an England win thrown in…!)

Football is fun and perhaps an important unifying influence in modern life. But it’s not more important than some of the most fundamental aspects of life. Deep down, (perhaps very deep down for some!) we all know that health, both physical and mental, our relationships with both friends and family, our spirituality and our morals are more important than football. I don’t think most people would really sacrifice these vitally important things in life for the sake of the game

I 65Issue 3 - October 2022

Now, as much as we’re all emotionally involved in the England World Cup campaign, I must admit that I don’t really agree with the sentiments of Bill Shankly when he said: “Some people believe football is a matter of life and death, I am very disappointed with that attitude. I can assure you it is much, much more important than that.”

On the World Cup

I

However, I do believe though that the emotional challenges and character development that exist in the world of football have their

When we approach the Yomim Noraim - Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur - a Jew is supposed to view himself as if he is entering the knock-out stages of the World Cup. It’s all up for grabs, winner takes all. In these important days, everything is being decided for the year! The pressure is on. In previous years we may have buckled under the pressure and may not have succeeded in achieving our goals in self-development. We may have missed our goals to be a better spouse, parent or dare I say a better Jew. But the key to all growth is self-belief. We have to believe we are going to win! We need to remember that Hashem has given us all of the potential we need to achieve our unique spiritual task in this world.

The first stage of our growth is for us to believe that we have all of the necessary skills, tools, character traits and relationships to achieve our mission in this world.

parallel in our ‘real life’. The England team have their battles, their emotional challenges and inner demons to fight, just like I have mine These challenges and battles are the essence of life. Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzato (1707-1746) explains that every situation we are put into throughout our lives is a challenge. If we are blessed with financial wealth and enjoy this world’s luxuries, are we going to be able to give charity as we should? On the other hand, if we are stricken with poverty, will we be able to see Hashem’s Hand supporting us? Every situation presents its challenge and therefore its opportunity. Will we overcome the challenge to grow into who we need to become? Will we actualise our potential and become the ‘ideal me’?

’m going to be honest… I don’t enjoy the World Cup Not because I don’t like a little bit of football, but simply because if we’re candid, it’s pretty much always a painful experience. It’s the same every time. England have what’s on paper a great team, and yet never seem to do anything other than destroy the dreams of its young supporters. I want to tell the youngsters cheering them on that it’s all in vain - I’ve been through it all before. I’ve experienced the pain of Pierce and Waddle in 1990, Beckham kicking the Argentinian and then Batty in 1998 with perhaps the worst penalty ever. 2002 looked hopeful, 3-0 against Denmark in the quarters! Maybe this time? But alas no, an epic goalkeeping mistake from Seaman ends it for England again. Once more, dreams created only to be shattered. Losses to Portugal and Germany knocked England out of 2006 and 2010 and then there was the shambles of 2014. By this point I had basically given up. It seems the pressure just causes the English side to buckle time after time It does feel a little different with this new team though. Almost like a new generation, a new start. What is it that’s different? I’m sure many have speculated but I think there’s one critical factor which makes the difference. I actually think this is the factor that is the key to any truly successful growth: they actually believe they’re going to win! They have self-belief

Rabbi Yerucham Levovitz (1873-1936) was a master of Jewish self-development. He was once quoted as saying: “It’s an awful situation for someone to not know his deficiencies as he doesn’t know what he needs to fix! However, it’s much worse if a person doesn’t know his positive qualities, because then he doesn’t even know his own toolkit to fix things.”

By Rabbi Gary Bazak

66 Issue 3 - October 2022

Become a museum maven

Rainy Days Out that won’t break Bankthe

Get cultured

By Jessica Boxer

Spend a bit of time researching what’s on in London or Manchester and you can find plenty of waterproof and wallet-proof activities for families. The British Library runs a free ‘family station’ on the last Sunday of every month and there’s Storytime twice a week during term-time at Manchester Central Library. You’ll regularly find free or low-cost concerts and performances by students at the Royal College of Music and at Chethams School of Music. When it comes to theatre, shows at the Arts Depot or Little Angel theatre are usually much more reasonably priced than those in the West End, or if you’re up north try a family show at Waterside in Sale.

There are dozens of museums in London and Manchester that are totally free of charge. Aside from the obvious bighitters like the RAF Museum in Colindale and the Museum of Science and Industry in Manchester, some lesser-known (and less crowded) museums can be a great source of fun for little explorers. Some examples –the Museum of Hatting in Stockport, UCL’s Petrie Museum of Egyptian Archaeology and the National Army Museum in Chelsea which has its own soft play (though you do have to pay a nominal amount for this). Many museums offer activities for parents and tots during term-time and workshops for older kids during the school holidays.

For animal lovers

Three tips for budget-conscious outings

67Issue 3 - October 2022

If your kids are into animals, Pets at Home has over 450 shops around the UK with regular free workshops for 5 to 11 year olds where they can learn about and handle small animals. You can check out the aquarium at Bolton Central Library, and if you time it right you could also visit the Bolton Steam Museum on one of its ‘steam weekends’ – both are free of charge. The (also free!) Natural History Museum in Tring, Hertfordshire houses the zoological collection of Walter Rothschild and is normally much quieter to wander round than the main museum in South Kensington.

Garden centre glories

Pack a picnic – it may sound obvious but the more you make at home and bring with you the better. Think homemade sandwiches, water bottles for all (yes, that includes you!) and an array of snacks to avoid last minute, overpriced buys. Make sure you have more than enough food in case of any transport delays and you can download the Refill app to find free places to refill your water bottle wherever you are

Manage gift shop meltdowns – being out and about almost always involves passing through retail outlets and the inevitable cries of “Mummy, can I get this?” Simple solution – take a photo! That way they can ‘remember’ the toy or book as something they would like for Chanukah or their next birthday, and you teach them delayed gratification without confrontation. A few days or weeks later, you will likely find they are a lot less interested in the photographed item than they were in the shop

Dig around for discounts – as your kids get older they may start requesting a ‘big ticket’ outing to pricier places like the Legoland Discovery Centre or the London Dungeons, particularly in the school holidays. So start collecting those Tesco Clubcard points now, as these can be converted into vouchers for an array of family days out. You’ll also find 2 for 1 offers on Kellogg’s cereal boxes, national rail tickets and Carex soap bottles.

If you haven’t discovered them yet - garden centres are an underrated source of local and frugal fun for kids of all ages. The Dobbies group of garden centres runs free workshops for 4 to 10 year olds on the first Sunday of every month and there are branches in Altrincham, Beaconsfield and Chiswick. Squires in Stanmore has ‘Create & Grow’ activities for young children during school holidays whilst at Maidenhead Aquatics in St Albans you can feed the koi carp and let your little ones loose on the soft play for just £2.50 all year round.

Confession time… For years I had heard of podcasts but I didn’t actually have a clue as to what exactly they were I knew it was something like a personalised modern version of the radio, but it wasn’t until I started teaching A-Level that I really got into podcasts. As Jews, we always have plenty to say and in the podcast world this is no exception. So in this article we will take a look at my favourite thought-provoking Jewish podcasts for you to try out and enjoy.

The novelty of podcasts for many people is that you can choose from a huge variety, on any topics that interest you. So if you are a politics buff, you can listen to in-depth, analytical podcasts made by The Economist and at the same time have a succinct daily news update waiting for you every morning on your phone. You can listen to these podcasts on the way to work, when you exercise, as you do the weekly shop or better yet, curled up on the sofa with a cup of tea. You can hear opinions, stories, advice, chat shows, interviews, reviews, music… the list is endless. You want to know about how to become a songwriter? There are podcasts that are dedicated to this. You want five reasons to watch Shtisel, yup there is a podcast on this too! Curious to know the halachic history of infectious disease? No problem!

By Lisa Antian

Why listen to podcasts?

Halachic Headlines

What is a podcast?

I seriously love this podcast. My eyes have been opened to so many interesting debates on topics I had not really thought about. Should you take elderly parents into your home or place them in a nursing home? Can you leave negative reviews on Amazon if they might cause damage to a business? What makes a song Jewish? Are freshly rolled cigars and expensive alcohol acceptable ways to attract men to attend shiurim (Torah classes)? In this podcast so many current issues in the Jewish world are discussed and debated with international experts in the field. The podcasts are an average of 1.5 hours in length so you really get into the kishkes of the topic.

Now for my favourites…

Thought-Provoking Jewish Podcasts

Podcasts are audio files that you can download onto your phone. So people will record whatever it is they want to talk about, upload it, and then you can download or stream it through apps like Spotify and Apple Music. There are over two million podcasts that you can choose from. That’s a lot of choice!

68 Issue 3 - October 2022

Hebrew: A Dead Language Revived,” was a truly memorable episode as I heard about the determination of Eliezer Ben Yehuda to get his family to speak modern day Ivrit - when it had not been a spoken language for almost 2,000 years! This was to the extent that he would not allow anyone, not even his wife, to speak to their son, Ben-Zion, in any language but Ivrit. It worked. He is seen as the founding father of modern day Hebrew

I am looking forward to listening to these episodes next:

Kol Isha Podcast

The Mossad: Three tales of assassination

Lisa Antian studied Politics and Modern History at The University of Manchester Lisa is a qualified teacher who has previously taught at JFS, Hasmonean and Menorah High. Lisa and her family made Aliyah in 2021 and she is a consultant educational scriptwriter and content writer.

As you have read, there are a huge range of podcasts to choose from - so get downloading!

This podcast is genius! Every week, self-confessed history nerd Noah Weissman takes a look at some of the most interesting and controversial events in Israeli history. He explains the background of the event, what happened, and talks you through all the different perspectives on why it is controversial.

Gush Katif: When Jews expelled Jews

I love how this podcast gives Orthodox women a voice to tell their stories. With our third baby, I had a traumatic birth to say the least and I relived the birth for months and months afterwards. Kol Isha has a fantastic podcast episode on how to advocate for yourself during pregnancy, birth and the postpartum phase. Perhaps your kids are older and about to go on a gap year programme to Israel - Kol Isha has an episode on how to help prepare kids for their year in Israel. There is an episode by a lady called Chavie Bruk, who tells her story of how she adopted five children whilst running a Chabad centre. Money management, divorce, mental health disorders and racism in the Jewish community are all discussed on the Kol Isha podcast.

69Issue 3 - October 2022

I also gained a lot from “Munich Olympics: When Terrorism won”. I always thought I was well-informed about the horrific murder of the eleven Israeli athletes in 1972, as my father knew one of the victimsYossef Romano. Yossef was a weightlifter, and my father would often see him picking up his younger brother from school as they lived in the same area growing up. Over the years I had heard the story many times from my dad, but in this podcast I learned that after the event, Palestinian terrorists hijacked a German plane, demanding that the 14 passengers on board should be exchanged for the three Palestinians being held in German prisons awaiting trial for the murder of the Israeli Olympic athletes. The prisoner exchange deal was made, which was unbelievable to me

Unpacking Israeli History

Who should serve in the Israeli military?

70 Issue 3 - October 2022

Now, to focus on the kashrut. Every step of this process counts. Have you checked every ingredient on the list? Each ingredient used needs to be approved by our expert kashrut research department. Has anything been omitted from the official list of ingredients? Fascinating fact - companies are not obligated to list absolutely every last ingredient used. The rabbi inspecting will be mindful of the inclusion of ‘processing aids’ which do not technically quality as ingredients.

Have you ever wondered what goes on behind the scenes when these sweets are manufactured, and how we know that they are kosher? On a recent kashrut visit to the factory in the Czech Republic, I experienced the wonderous world of these colourful sweets. Step right inside…

Close your eyes and remember those special childhood moments immersed in a never-ending sea of colourful soft-play balls and you can picture the river of colourful sweets flowing relentlessly through the massive production lines in the factory Block your ears to the cacophony of thousands of sweets whizzing around in huge drums that look like tumble dryers. The equipment coats layer upon layer of appealing colour and fruity flavors onto the white soft chewy centers. The most impressive aspect of all of these stages is when each individual candy stops for a fraction of a millisecond in the printing machine, which paints the famous “S” imprint onto each one Down in the packaging area, the machines effortlessly pack thousands of bags per minute, ready for keen customers around the world.

71Issue 3 - October 2022

A Colourful & FruityKosher Journey

Keep Your Eye on the Ball

Needless to say, we are limited in what we can share in terms of technical knowhow at the factory, and our understanding of the details of exactly how the sweets are made remains privileged, but I invite you to imagine the scene as you join us on the tour. Imagine the heady, overpowering aroma of the sweet-smelling fruit flavour that is ever-present in the room as you join us in the main production areas and in the flavour storage room.

Skittles – an irresistible, chewy, fruity treat – and they’re kosher!

By Rabbi Yisroel Moshe Guttentag

Specialised Technology

Next, we look at the ‘rework’. Offcuts from the molding process and sweets discarded due to a bad shape are pushed out of the way early on in the process. But surely these ingredients must not be wasted? Do they come back into the process? Is there any kashrut risk in the way in which this waste is upcycled?

Inspecting kashrut is like ten pin bowling. You need to aim well and knock out each of those risks – or Skittles!

Finally, none of the ‘natural’ flavours or colours can contain grape juice, wine or the purple colouring grape skin extract (called anthocyanins). Even if a product is vegan-certified, these crucial issues remain.

Don’t let your eyes glaze over as you read the label on the products used to give the sweets their attractive shine. Which red colour is in use? Carmine, a beetle extract, is a strict no in a kosher product. Shellac, a debated kosher ingredient, is also ruled out for these products.

Rabbi Guttentag is the Director of Certification of KF Kosher and responsible for the Federation of Synagogues’s industrial Kashrut work. He is also responsible for the digitisation of the department’s activities and for the roll out of the Federation’s bespoke Kashrut CRM – KF Connect.

Is a release agent used – an oil sprayed onto the candies to stop them sticking to the molds which shape them? This also needs to be checked for kashrut.

72 Issue 3 - October 2022

In the corporate structure of multi-national companies, each region or market gets to present its requests and requirements to the manufacturing factories. A good example is the recent battle here in the UK against sugar in soft drinks. Business cases and detailed project plans are drawn up and if the numbers make sense, the project goes ahead.

A sweet and happy ending for a colourful story!

Now over to the goods-in department – this needs to be carefully audited. Patiently work through the delivery notes of the hundreds of road-tankers which carry liquids such as glucose and glycerin to the factory, as these bulk-supplied ingredients can be carried in non-kosher equipment. Was the tanker cleaned before it was used? What were the last loads carried? Each delivery comes with a cleaning certificate, which need to be carefully monitored and reviewed.

Glycerine is known to be the nemesis of any kosher project. This ingredient needs to be watched closely as it can come from an animal source

Challenging Ingredients

Keeping Kosher

For Torah-observant Jews, kosher is a lifestyle. For a company such as Mars, the entity which owns brands including Wrigley, Orbit and Skittles, kosher is a business decision.

Israel is an important market for Mars and they enjoy an ever growing presence there. Since the local requirements are for the product to be kosher, the wheels turn furiously at the company to ensure that this requirement is met. Our KF mashgiach is present for days of special production runs undertaken for the Israel market so that the product can benefit from question-free kashrut. Once a product is deemed kosher, other local markets can also benefit from them. It is KF Kosher’s work for the Israeli market which in recent years allowed the KLBD (London Beth Din) to announce that Skittles in the UK are kosher approved.

Elisheva Fisher

1 cup soy sauce

Ingredients

We all want to give our kids nutritious meals after school, but it can sometimes feel like there are simply too many nights in the week! Not to mention the need to plan and shop ahead of time, finding the time to cook amidst homework, after-school activities and our other responsibilities, and of course those wonderfully unexpected fussy eating phases our little ones throw at us.

6 salmon fillets

1/4 cup oil

Oven Baked Schnitzel

Rice

Method

Mix chicken or turkey breast strips in a bowl or zip lock bag with matza meal, paprika, garlic powder and oil, ensuring all the pieces are evenly coated

Cover an oven tray with baking paper and place chicken strips flat on tray.

1 tsp paprika

73Issue 3 - October 2022

1 cup honey

1 tsp onion powder

Method

Pre heat oven to 200°C

1 tsp salt

Spread out the broccoli on a baking tray, drizzle over the oil, then add salt, onion powder and garlic powder and bake for 20 25 minutes or until browned around the edges.

1 tsp garlic powder

2 tbsp olive oil

1 cup matza meal

1kg chicken or turkey breast strips

Weeknight Suppers Made Simple

Lay out the salmon in a separate baking tray, pour the sauce over the salmon and bake for 15 20 minutes or until salmon is flaky and cooked through

Simple Teriyaki Salmon Supper

1 bag of frozen broccoli

Pre heat oven to 190°C

Ingredients

Serves 4

Whilst salmon and broccoli are cooking, make the rice according to Sinstructionserveandenjoy

1 tsp garlic powder

Joanne Dove

Serves 6

Here are some tried and tested recipes from our team that are easy, healthy, not too costly, and most important of all – loved by our kids!

Whisk the soy sauce and honey together in a small bowl

Bake for 20 minutes, turning over halfway through

Dash of turmeric

1 tsp paprika

Debbie Rosenberg

1 onion, diced

Method

Houmous

Easy-Peasy Pasta Bake

1 tsp paprika

Ingredients

Then refill the sauce jar - half with milk and half with water - and add to the dish, along with a tub of cottage cheese

700g jar of pasta sauce

Serves 6

Tub of cottage cheese

Serve with pitta, houmous and salad.

74 Issue 3 - October 2022

Curried Chicken in Pitta

1/2 tsp garlic powder

200g grated cheese

Serve beef and veg over the rice

1 pack of boneless chicken breasts, diced

350ml milk

Fresh or frozen vegetables of your choice

500g bag of dry tube-like pasta (penne, macaroni, elbows, rigatoni)

Ingredients

Pitta breads

Shosh Greenberg

1 tsp salt

Serves 4

1/2 tsp onion powder

Serves 4

Rice

1 tsp cumin

Remove foil and baking paper and bake for a further 10 minutes for a crunchy golden top

1 box of pre-sliced mushrooms

Salt and pepper

Method

Pre-heat oven to 160°C.

Add ground beef, break up into smaller pieces, stir and allow it to cook through Meanwhile, cook the rice according to instructions

1 onion, sliced

1 tsp cumin

Method

Add salt, onion powder, garlic powder, paprika and cumin to ground beef mixture

Ingredients

Add any vegetables you have in the fridge or freezer such as diced peppers, courgettes, mushrooms, sweetcorn, frozen peas or broccoli. Stir to mix.

Gila Ross

Ground Beef and Veg on Rice

Sauté the onion and mushrooms in a large frying pan

Sauté the onion in a bit of oil or spray oil in a medium frying pan.

Mix well and cook for 5 minutes, adding up to 1/4 cup of water to create a bit of a sauce

Add the cumin, paprika, salt, pepper, and a dash of turmeric (not too much as it can overpower everything else).

Empty the bag of pasta into an ovenproof dish and add the pasta sauce

Sprinkle grated cheese over the top, cover with a layer of baking paper and then foil and bake for 1 hour

Add chicken breast cut into little pieces and sauté until the chicken is white and cooked through.

2 lbs ground beef

Place the rice in a large dish; scatter the vegetables and smoked salmon on top, followed by the nori and sesame seeds. Drizzle with soy sauce

SNSAPCucumbereppervocadoesameseedsorisheetsoysauce

Hidden Veg Supper

Method

3 tins of chopped tomatoes

Towards the end of the cooking time, cook the spaghetti and then serve

If you don’t want to do this bit you can always put the meatballs in a simpler tomato sauce made of several cartons of passata with salt, pepper, Italian herbs and garlic powder)

2 eggs

Simple Sushi Salad

Hidden Veg Sauce

In a large bowl, combine the onion, carrot and courgette with the minced beef, minced turkey, eggs, breadcrumbs or matzo meal, garlic powder, herbs, salt and pepper. I find it easiest to get some gloves on and use my hands to mix it all together thoroughly

Form small balls and line them up on a tray, ready to be added to the pot of tomato sauce.

5 tbsp rice vinegar

Salt and pepper

Add the meatballs to the sauce, cover and simmer on low for about 30 minutes.

Wash rice in cold water to remove excess starch. Place the rice in a pot with 4 cups of kettle-boiled water, rice vinegar, sugar and a pinch of salt. Simmer, covered, for 15-20 minutes, until water is absorbed. For basmati or long grain you’ll need more water. Let the rice sit and slightly cool. Meanwhile chop the vegetables and avocado into thin slices and cut the smoked salmon and nori into bite size pieces.

3.5 cups short-grain sushi rice (can use basmati or long grain if you don’t have any)

Method

SSaltmoked salmon

2 tbsp sugar

1 tsp dried Italian herb mix (basil, oregano, parsley etc)

Spaghetti

Ingredients

Method

1 tsp garlic powder

Mirele Mordecai Serves 6

1 carton of passata

1lb / 454g minced turkey

1 cup breadcrumbs or matzo meal

1lb111Ingredientssmallonionlargecarrotlargecourgette/454gminced beef

Dice the vegetables and sauté in a large pot until soft. Add crushed garlic followed by the chopped tomatoes, passata, herbs and seasoning.

Salt and pepper

Issue 3 - October 2022

Jessica Boxer Serves 8

75

1 onion, 1 green pepper, 2 carrots, 1 courgette (or any other combination of mild-flavoured veg you want to use e.g. mushrooms, leek, celery…)

Hidden Veg Meatballs

These are admittedly more work than our average weeknight supper so I tend to make ahe and freeze in two portions - the recipe is enough for a double batch for a family of four.

3 garlic cloves, crushed

1 tbsp dried Italian herb mix (basil, oregano, parsley etc)

Ingredients

Mix together, cover and simmer on low for about 45 minutes. Take off the heat and blend with a hand blender to make the veg magically disappear

Dice the onion and grate the carrot and courgette in a food processor or by hand.

Serve with extra soya sauce in a small side bowl and let everyone help themselves.

Page

Paper plate

Create A Kindness Wheel

Paper or card

2. Write the name of one family member or friend in each wedge.

3. Glue images onto the paper.

You will need…

3. Cut an arrow shape out of the card and use the brass fastener to attach it to the centre of the plate.

1. Cut a large piece of paper or card into a fish shape.

What to do...

What to do...

Make A Vision Board For The Year To Come

Yom Kippur is a great time to think about how we can show kindness to the people we care about. This craft will encourage the process

1. Use your felt tips and ruler to divide the paper plate into pie-shaped wedges.

Old GScissorsmagazineslue

Kids Craft

You will need…

On Yom Kippur, we read about Yonah being swallowed by a giant fish because he is running away from his problems. This vision board can help your (older) child visualise the challenges that they face and set goals to deal with them he

2. Cut out images or words from the magazines that relate to your own personal challenges and goals.

Felt tips

4. Spin the arrow, see whose name it lands on, and then decide on an act of kindness to do for that person. REPEAT OFTEN!

76 Issue 3 - October 2022

CRuleroloured card

BScissorsrasspaper fastener

Craft Page

Kids

You will need…

Family photo

2. Remove the photo, fold the paper in half with the pencilled rectangle on the outside and cut out the rectangleopen the card and you have made yourself a frame!

6. Finally, decorate the walls of your Sukkah. Add a little bit of glue to the lolly sticks and arrange the mini gemstones to make a paper chain effect.

This is a great way to use those old CDs that you no longer need and beautify your Sukkah at the same time. It’s a great way to get older kids engaged as it involves using a glue gun!

You will need…

GCDslue etc.)

5. Paint the bottom section of the frame green. Once the paint is dry, print out or write your family name on a small piece of white paper and glue to the bottom centre of the frame.

To make this activity even more engaging, ask your child/ren to scavenge in the garden or a park for small leaves to use. You could even use twigs for the walls of the Sukkah instead of lolly sticks.

1. If you have unlabelled CDs, you can use them as is. If the CDs have a label or writing on one side, hot glue two CDs together with the blank sides facing out. Or you can just stick things all over them to cover the writing!

3. Tie a long ribbon through the cd hole to hang it from the roof of the Sukkah. You can also tie multiple CDs together in a chain.

gun MarkRibboner pens Decorations (beads, stickers, pompoms

77Issue 3 - October 2022

1. Take the family photo you are going to use, place it in the middle of the card and draw around it with pencil.

4. Place some glue on the top section of the card and arrange your leaves.

Hanging CD Decorations

Small leaves

Make A Sukkah Picture Frame

PaintbrushMinigemstones

2. Decorate the CDs with marker pen designs and/or use the glue gun to stick on your decorations.

What to do...

3. Next, we need to make the walls of your Sukkah. Depending on the size of your card, you will need an equal amount of lolly sticks for either side of your Sukkah frame. Glue the back of the lolly sticks and place them next to each other.

Green paint

LPScissorsCardVAglueollysticks

Puzzles and Games 1. 2. 3. 4.SFATGIN TEOGR NYEOH HKUASK HIRITSE GTJEUNMDE ORHASF5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.HNSAA VTAO ISTHHALC OYM PRKUIP Word Scramble FIND YOUR WAY TO THE SHOFAR DORWSCRABBLEANSWERSastingFgotrEyoneHukkahS 1.2.3.4. 5.6.7.8.9.10. eiishrTtudgemenJarfShoShanaavoTashlichTomYippurK START 78 Issue 3 - October 2022

CAN YOU FIND BELOW…? 3 Etrog Fruits 3 Leaves for the Sukkah 4 Torah Scrolls I Spy Crack The Code 79Issue 3 - October 2022

2.

Family Matters Crossword Puzzle How carefully did you read this magazine? ACROSS 4. Baseball player who refused to play on Yom Kippur in 1965 (5, 6) 6. Name of Professor Irvine Gersch's granddaughter (7) 7. The first of Rabbi Herman's CORE principles (7) 9. Name of the lady who adopted five children whilst running a Chabad centre (6, 4) 10. Number of recipes in 'Weeknight Suppers Made Simple' (5) 11. Location of Seed's London centre (7) 12. Number of schools Seed works in (6) 14. Surname of one of Rabbi Avraham Hassan's most well-known students (4)

13. Name of Naomi Lerer's charity (3)

New

3.

DOWN

8. City in Morocco that Stephen Colman visited in 2008 (6)

9. The main ingredient of Mirele Mordecai's favourite Seed event (9)

1. company of entrepreneur Karen Harris (10) Subject of Hannah Sher's article (9) Place where Rabbi Shaya Grunfeld grew up (9) Month of Clean Speech Project 2023 (3) Non-kosher beetle extract (7)

5.

7.

80 Issue 3 - October 2022

11. Number of levels of charity, according to Maimonides (5)