DIFFICULT QUESTIONS CHILDREN

Rabbi Malcolm Herman Seed is ’s CEO. A much loved lecturer and parenting expert, known for his creativity and down-to-earth approach, he is also co-author of the parenting guidebook, ‘Everyday Parenting for Everyday Parents’.

Life tools for Jewish Families

Difficult Questions Children Ask: Friends Divorcing

By Rabbi Malcolm Herman

Dear Rabbi Herman Close friends of ours have recently announced that they are getting divorced. This has come as a complete shock to us all. We have spent many hours in their home. What do we tell our children? How can we reassure them that our own marriage is secure?* Thank you

Thank you for your question. This is a very unsettling situation for all concerned.

In explaining this to children, let’s follow our CORE principles. Clarity, Openness, Reassurance, and Empathy, although not necessarily in that order - this is just a way to remember the principles. The exact response depends on the age of the children but it will be along the following lines. Let’s begin with Clarity. I suggest that you sit down with the children, probably individually (depending on how close they are in age) and tell them: “There is something about another family that we need to tell you. Joe and Sarah (names made up) have told us that sadly they are getting divorced.” If the child knows what this means, then add: “This has come as a complete shock to us…” If the child is not familiar with divorce, then explain it in very simple terms. “This means that they have decided that they don’t want to be married to each other anymore because they don’t love each other anymore”. Don’t add any more details yet such as their new living arrangements - provide information in bite-size pieces as the child needs it. I then suggest some silence to allow the child to absorb the news, and this requires Empathy. Allow the child to express their feelings, and help them phrase their thoughts: “It’s a shock isn’t it?” or “It is sad to hear isn’t it?” Then listen to their questions and answer them with simple Clarity and Openness. For example, the child might ask: “Why are they getting divorced? They always seemed happy!” Tell the truth. Children always feel more secure when we are honest with them, and they feel anxious when they feel we are concealing something. That does not mean we tell them everything, but what we do tell them must be true: “Actually this has come as a shock to us as well. We always thought they were happy but now they told us that they have been unhappy for a long time…it’s difficult to understand isn’t it?” Again, resist the temptation to bring in other issues, for example by using phrases like: “You never know what’s behind closed doors”. This actually creates more uncertainty. Instead, create a sense of Openness that invites other questions: “You can ask us anything you like and we will do our best to answer”. The elephant in the room is the lurking worry that you, the child’s parents, might also get divorced. This is where Reassurance is necessary, but herein lies the key dilemma. Do you bring up this subject in order to reassure your child, or is best not to raise it at all? There is no ‘one size fits all’ here, and your choice will depend on several factors. How old is your child? Is your home generally a happy one? Do the children witness a lot of tension? Taking into account these factors, you have to pick an option that gives that Reassurance. For example, if the child is young (five years old or younger) and the home is generally happy (barring the ‘normal’ tensions of dayto-day life) it is better not to raise the topic of your own marriage. However, if the circumstances are different then it may well be important to be more pro-active in giving reassurance: “Although Daddy and I sometimes argue we do love each other and we are very happy that we are married to each other”. It is also important to revisit the subject a few days later, in a gentle way. “Have you had any more thoughts about Joe and Sarah?” This gives the child a further opportunity to raise issues and gives them a message of Openness. Be prepared for many ancillary questions at this stage, like:“Will the children live with Joe or Sarah?”, “Can we still go to their house?” or “What should we say to their children?” Again, stick to the CORE principles and you can’t go far wrong. For example, in response to this last question, keep your answer clear and short and guide your children to be caring towards others. You could suggest that they say to their friend: “I am sorry to hear that your mum and dad are getting divorced. That must be hard for you”. Within your own home there are important Torah life lessons to teach, such as the laws of lashon hora – gossip. Don’t allow kitchen-table speculation about your friends. Encourage sensitivity between your children and their friends – make them aware that flaunting your ‘family holiday’ may be hurtful to their friend whose family is now divided, for example. The Torah of course facilitates divorce but it is always viewed with great sadness. So this is also a moment to invest in one’s own marriage and family and to raise the quality of harmony of our own home.

*This is a generic question that has been asked several times over the years.