“FRIENDS DON'T LIE”

Friends Don’t Lie Or Can They?

By Jessica Boxer

IIt’s an iconic statement repeated time and time again in Netflix sensation ‘Stranger Things’. Friendship and loyalty are key themes of the TV show, which opens with several 12-year old boys setting out to locate one of their group after he goes missing. When they come across the previously sheltered ‘Eleven’ along the way, they befriend her and teach her this paradigm: “Friends don’t lie”. The boys’ selflessness and care for one another are remarkable throughout the show, but the statement begs the question - should friends actually never lie? I think we can probably assume that this was not the basis for the gang’s motto, but the Torah clearly states: “Mi’dvar sheker tirchak” – distance yourself from a false word (Shemot 23:7). It is the only negative mitzvah in which the language of “distance” is used, showing the importance of and weight of the obligation to be truthful. The Ten Commandments themselves tell us not to bear false witness, and in Pirkei Avot truth is described as “the seal of G-d” (1:18).

In the 13th century, Rabbeinu Yonah described truth as “one of the foundations of the soul” and went on to detail nine different types of falsehood to avoid in his book ‘Shaarei Teshuva’. They are surprisingly wide-ranging, with some more ‘obvious’ categories like telling a lie for your own pleasure or convenience, but he even states that promising to do something with the intention of keeping your word and then deciding at a later stage to renege on the promise can be considered an act of falsehood.

The latter comes up all the time, especially in parenting! For example, it would be preferable to say “If we can, maybe we will go to the park later” as opposed to the more definitive “I promise I’ll take you to the park later” if there’s a risk that you might not be able to keep your word.

Yet, if we look at some of the stories earlier in the Torah, lying seems to be a big part of the narrative.

Yaakov, with the help of his mother Rivka, dresses like his brother Esav in order to receive the blessings which Yitzchak wanted to give to Esav. When Yitzchak directly asks him “Who are you, my son?” Yaakov responds: “I am Esav your firstborn.” The commentator Rashi defends the lie by suggesting that it could be read as two separate statements. “I am” the one who is bringing you food, and parenthetically, “Esav is your firstborn.” While perhaps that excuses some level of verbal dishonesty, it does not change the fact that the whole act is one of deception! Clearly there are certain times when other values override the virtue of honesty.

Just picture the scene. Grandma has made her speciality: banana birthday cake. She moves towards your children to kvell in their pleasure eating this delicacy. Unbeknownst to Grandma though, the kids think the cake is about as tasty as an old wet sock.

As Grandma asks the kids if they enjoyed the cake, you see Jonny, your seven-year old, contemplate and vaguely remember that mummy said something about always telling the truth. He makes the decision that honesty is the best policy and is about to speak. You fear the worst, run towards him, trying to prevent Grandma’s currently smiling face quickly transforming into a frown or worse, as Jonny describes with complete and utter honesty why he feels the cake tastes like a smelly old sock… So there are clearly situations when it is not only permitted to ‘embellish’ the truth but it is actually a mitzvah to do so (saving Grandma’s feelings may be one of these!) The Talmud gives two examples – you should praise the beauty of a bride to her groom, and compliment a purchase someone has made, even if you don’t really think that much of the bride’s hairstyle choice or feel that the top your friend bought is particularly flattering.

Elsewhere we are told that we can alter the truth to help create peace between two people who are fighting, and that falsehood is also allowed if it is the only way to protect property from theft (although we are encouraged to minimise any lies we tell by telling half-truths whenever possible).

I’m sure that as the fictional Stranger Things gang grow up, they too will discover that in reality, “Friends don’t lie” is an oversimplification of the ethics of truth-telling. Other values have to be balanced with the critical value of truthfulness. But one very practical message that the show hammers home successfully is that strong relationships are fundamentally built on trust, and that honesty is something that is often intertwined with trust.

Many times in the series, trust is tested and characters must choose to believe that their friends are telling the truth, even when they seem crazy.

Honesty certainly creates a firm foundation for all types of relationships, but it is too black and white to state that it is always the best policy. Our original Torah verse in Shemot, “Mi’dvar sheker tirchak” goes on to say “v’naki v’tzadik al taharog” - do not kill an innocent or righteous man. This implies that the most crucial and fundamental issue with lying is when it causes harm to someone else – and we can’t always foresee what form this damage might take. But as we delve further, the halacha makes it clear that we have to keep in mind the other core values which truth-telling may come into conflict with, such as keeping the peace and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

One final thought. Speech is what makes us unique – it enables us to connect with others and forge strong, meaningful relationships. Every time we speak, we have the chance to use this gift wisely. By choosing our words carefully and trying our best to tell the truth when we know it’s the right thing to do, we show an appreciation for this gift that G-d has given us.