DO YOU WANT TO BE

Do You Want to be Right or Happy?

3 Tools to Navigate Conflict in a Marriage

By Talya Ressel

W While I was learning to drive, I was taught a very powerful lesson that has stuck with me, which I often share in my therapy sessions with the couples I work with. At one of those notorious roundabouts, there was a near miss – I was adamant that it was my right of way (which it was!) but the other driver continued to pull out ahead. At that point my future husband asked me, “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be safe?” That has stuck with me ever since. It is so applicable to relationships as well as driving, especially when it comes to a healthy marriage. So often we feel and believe we are right (and many times we are) but we go on to fight that fight regardless of the cost. Conflict is a normal occurrence in healthy, stable relationships. It simply wouldn’t be viable for two people to navigate the stressors and demands of daily life, balancing their family’s needs and their own with finite resources such as time, money and attention and not expect there to be some conflict. With the overwhelming majority of the couples I have worked with, it is not the actual conflict that is hurting the relationship, but rather how the conflict is being dealt with that is damaging.

Unfortunately, we are rarely taught tools to navigate conflict in a healthy way, which is why I am so passionate about helping families find what works for them.

My top three strategies are as follows:

1. Clear is kind

I know we wish our partners could read our minds, but they can’t. That fantasy, which is impossible to fulfil, leads to so much disappointment. Rather, I encourage couples to be open and direct about their needs, their frustrations and their expectations, but said in a way that is not critical or hurtful. Just like we find it useful to have a job specification at work and know what is expected of us, it is similar in a marriage. Talk about your expectations of each other, for example what is your responsibility and what is mine.

Both partners come into the marriage with different life experiences and different role models, so you need to be open about how this relationship is working for you. This openness needs to carry on throughout the relationship as times change and the marriage adapts through the life cycle. Too much left unspoken builds up and can be very damaging to both parties.

2. Be aware of your own role and triggers

So often a client comes into a therapy session listing all the things that their partner has done wrong, and I get it - the frustration, anger, and pain is real. Often in conflict it’s like a dance - he says this, she says that, so he does that, and she does that and repeat. There is a dynamic that plays out recurrently, and in order to make effective changes to that dynamic we need to get real about what baggage, insecurities and wounds we bring from our past experiences.

It can be helpful to view yourself as made up of many different parts that have developed over time. These ‘parts’ are like little people inside of us, each with their own wants, needs, dreams, wishes, and fears, trying to do what each thinks is best for you. Each part has a different role to play and comes forward at different times - sometimes they agree and sometimes they clash. There are parts that take over when we are feeling threatened, scared, attacked or defensive. They try protecting us, but sometimes can hinder more than help. We stop thinking rationally and the goal becomes to protect ourselves at all costs. It is very common for a client to tell me that in a heated moment, “It’s like a switch, something just took over” or “I knew I shouldn’t have said that but I couldn’t help myself”. After moments like that, it’s important to reflect on the situation - what were you feeling? What felt like a trigger? Was it a familiar experience? We must be honest and vulnerable, and that is scary! Over time and with practice, if each partner starts taking responsibility for their own reactions and responses, then slowly but surely the ‘dance’ starts to change.

3. Take a break

Most likely you have heard the saying, ‘Don’t go to bed angry’. Well actually that is not what the research shows. In fact, when you are in the midst of a conflict and emotions have escalated, one of the best things you can do is step away and take some time to regulate your body. If you pay attention to your body during conflict, you will probably notice several physical symptoms - increased heart rate, stomach tightening, feeling hot or clammy, throat feeling tight or increased adrenaline making it hard to sit still. These symptoms tells us that your body is in flight, fight or freeze mode, and likely one of those ‘parts’ discussed earlier, has taken over to protect you.

By taking a break, and yes, even going to bed with a conflict that is unresolved, you allow your body to calm down, enabling the rational part of you to take back the reigns and preventing things from escalating. Once each of you have taken that time out then the issues can be discussed in a more productive, supportive and less emotionally-charged way.

When each partner takes responsibility for expressing their own needs, managing their own reactions, and regulating their emotions, we see that conflict can actually bring about positive change. For those with children, it is also modelling to them what skills are needed to manage differences in a healthy way. Often parents tell me that they try and hide their conflicts from their children, but I believe it is OK and even healthy for them to see you disagree. What is most important is that they see how you handle the conversation and its repair - with respect and care for each other.

Talya Ressel is a psychotherapist who has worked in both South Africa and England for the past 16 years. She is now based in North London and works with individuals, couples, and families. Beyond private therapy sessions, Talya runs therapeutic groups and training workshops as well as providing consultancy services for various schools and organisations. Talya has appeared regularly on radio and TV programmes as well as contributing many articles in a variety of print media. For more info please see www.talyaressel.com