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Renesa Farewell Edition 2021
The logical start for making any film would be to look for a story, or hire writers. But if you are planning on making a film that actually earns money in Bollywood, you should know better. The first step is to hire a 21-year-old narcissistic, pompous, and ignorant Bhatt, Kapoor, or Dhawan. Now, the common misconception is that they need to know acting; stay away from such rumours. Just make sure that they have shaved chests and sleek abs, and you’re good to go, my friend. Next comes the shoot location and set design. Conventionally, you might be inclined to go for an authentic set in India that shows real education. Rookie mistake. You are required to shoot abroad in a set that in no way resembles actual high schools and colleges back in our beloved country. Your producers might ask you if we really need 46 iPads and Italian marble floors in each classroom and all of the extras (out of which 80% are
not Indians) wearing Gucci or Armani apparel? Duh! After all, nothing appeals to us desis more than those random goras in the background and unrealistic portrayal of our culture. Let us leave the authenticity to Christopher Nolan, Martin Scorsese, and other nitwits. Moving on to more important topics — spicy dance numbers. Some so-called ‘experts’ might tell you that it is humiliating to have them, but take it from Karan and I, go nuts on the item songs. After all, is it even a successful Bollywood movie if you haven’t objectified at least 3-4 heroines and ruined 1-2 old classic songs? Let’s come to character arc and development. Can you ever get it wrong with the friends, then rivals, to friends again concept? Never. Then why experiment when your audience wants the same old crap? Make sure to make at least one of the leads filthy rich to explain those extravagant party songs and make one lead really
poor to balance things out, you know. Additionally, don’t you dare forget to stereotype all the characters. For example, if one character is a Sardar, make him incredibly stupid and brutish. It isn’t as if we live in the 21st century where such stereotypes are demeaning and shallow, right? Alright, at this point, you’ve prepared a solid base for your movie. All you need now are some small, trivial things like story, climax, screenplay, pre-production, and voila, your film is ready! Make sure that you release your film on a public holiday or festival and occupy all the small and big screens during prime time to practically shove your film down the audiences’ throats. Oh, and before I forget, buy the critics and reviewers well in advance so you aren’t running around at the end and can get a good price. Well, that’s all the inside info you’ll get. No need to thank me.
The True MMNCT Champion Written By: Akshita Gupta & Sumant S. Dangi 3. 2. 1. 0. The clock has struck 8:00 PM and the agonizing wait is over! 4 days of scintillating cricket action have led up to this ultimate moment. The pitch looks picture-perfect, the crowd is shivering with excitement, and the entire SAC Ground is buzzing with anticipation. The panipuri, shawarma, biryani, and tea stalls are ready, the trophy has been put in place, and the mascot bear is showing off his funky dance moves. The Final of MMNCT 2021 is here and the umpires are out in the middle with the two captains. Dr. S.S. Patel from the Shaolin Monks will flip the coin. Ricky Singh Kohli, the Sumerians skipper, calls heads. And it’s tails! The Shaolin Monks have won the toss and opted to bat. We’re in for a cracker of a match today at the SACG. Fast-forward to the beginning of the 2nd innings: Shukla Ji: Well folks, it’s been a whirlwind of an innings here at the SACG, hasn’t it? 218-4 put up by the Monks in their allotted 16 overs.
Illustrated By: Himanshu Laddhad we are now. Captain Kohli has completed his pep talk and the players are sprinting onto the ground. They look pretty excited, don’t they? Shukla Ji: Oh, I’m sure they’re nervous, Tiwari Ji. They just aren’t showing it. It won’t be easy for these Sumerians. After losing 3 players in the semis against the Spartans, they’ve lost 2 more today in the first innings. Only 10 fit players left in the squad for these young-uns! Tiwari Ji: Well, the gentlemen have discussed it with our elite umpires, imported directly from Australia I must add, and they’ve agreed to continue playing even with just 10 batsmen. Still, I don’t see how they’ll chase this mammoth score even with 15 players, let alone 10. I can see the tense faces of the lads sitting in the Sumerians dugout, fearing the worst. Here we go, first ball from the Monks’ star pacer, Dr. R.D. Sharma. Meanwhile, a bit later, in the Sumerians dugout:
Tiwari Ji: Ah, Shukla Ji, it was almost as if the ghost of AB de Villiers had possessed the Shaolin batsmen. Well, here
If you walked into the Sumerians tent right now, you would
