The True MMNCT Champion

The logical start for making any film would be to look for a story, or hire writers. But if you are planning on making a film that actually earns money in Bollywood, you should know better. The first step is to hire a 21-year-old narcissistic, pompous, and ignorant Bhatt, Kapoor, or Dhawan. Now, the common misconception is that they need to know acting; stay away from such rumours. Just make sure that they have shaved chests and sleek abs, and you’re good to go, my friend.

Next comes the shoot location and set design. Conventionally, you might be inclined to go for an authentic set in India that shows real education. Rookie mistake. You are required to shoot abroad in a set that in no way resembles actual high schools and colleges back in our beloved country. Your producers might ask you if we really need 46 iPads and Italian marble floors in each classroom and all of the extras (out of which 80% are not Indians) wearing Gucci or Armani apparel? Duh! After all, nothing appeals to us desis more than those random goras in the background and unrealistic portrayal of our culture. Let us leave the authenticity to Christopher Nolan, Martin Scorsese, and other nitwits. Moving on to more important topics — spicy dance numbers. Some so-called ‘experts’ might tell you that it is humiliating to have them, but take it from Karan and I, go nuts on the item songs. After all, is it even a successful Bollywood movie if you haven’t objectified at least 3-4 heroines and ruined 1-2 old classic songs?

Let’s come to character arc and development. Can you ever get it wrong with the friends, then rivals, to friends again concept? Never. Then why experiment when your audience wants the same old crap? Make sure to make at least one of the leads filthy rich to explain those extravagant party songs and make one lead really poor to balance things out, you know. Additionally, don’t you dare forget to stereotype all the characters. For example, if one character is a Sardar, make him incredibly stupid and brutish. It isn’t as if we live in the 21st century where such stereotypes are demeaning and shallow, right?

Alright, at this point, you’ve prepared a solid base for your movie. All you need now are some small, trivial things like story, climax, screenplay, pre-production, and voila, your film is ready! Make sure that you release your film on a public holiday or festival and occupy all the small and big screens during prime time to practically shove your film down the audiences’ throats. Oh, and before I forget, buy the critics and reviewers well in advance so you aren’t running around at the end and can get a good price. Well, that’s all the inside info you’ll get. No need to thank me.

Written By:

Akshita Gupta & Sumant S. Dangi

Illustrated By:

Himanshu Laddhad

3. 2. 1. 0. The clock has struck 8:00 PM and the agonizing wait is over! 4 days of scintillating cricket action have led up to this ultimate moment. The pitch looks picture-perfect, the crowd is shivering with excitement, and the entire SAC Ground is buzzing with anticipation. The panipuri, shawarma, biryani, and tea stalls are ready, the trophy has been put in place, and the mascot bear is showing off his funky dance moves. The Final of MMNCT 2021 is here and the umpires are out in the middle with the two captains. Dr. S.S. Patel from the Shaolin Monks will flip the coin. Ricky Singh Kohli, the Sumerians skipper, calls heads. And it’s tails! The Shaolin Monks have won the toss and opted to bat. We’re in for a cracker of a match today at the SACG.

Fast-forward to the beginning of the 2nd innings:

Shukla Ji: Well folks, it’s been a whirlwind of an innings here at the SACG, hasn’t it? 218-4 put up by the Monks in their allotted 16 overs. we are now. Captain Kohli has completed his pep talk and the players are sprinting onto the ground. They look pretty excited, don’t they?

Shukla Ji: Oh, I’m sure they’re nervous, Tiwari Ji. They just aren’t showing it. It won’t be easy for these Sumerians. After losing 3 players in the semis against the Spartans, they’ve lost 2 more today in the first innings. Only 10 fit players left in the squad for these young-uns!

Tiwari Ji: Well, the gentlemen have discussed it with our elite umpires, imported directly from Australia I must add, and they’ve agreed to continue playing even with just 10 batsmen. Still, I don’t see how they’ll chase this mammoth score even with 15 players, let alone 10. I can see the tense faces of the lads sitting in the Sumerians dugout, fearing the worst. Here we go, first ball from the Monks’ star pacer, Dr. R.D. Sharma.

Meanwhile, a bit later, in the Sumerians dugout:

be forgiven for mistaking it for a funeral. A grim 142/8 in 12 overs. Both the Sumerians and their supporters have lost hope. Vice-Captain Sunil Narayan is losing his mind and the whole team is panicking. They desperately need 1 more player. out, with his shorts still on. I thought they were a man short. Seems like one of their injured players must have been forced to walk out. Unbelievable courage. The new lad has reached the pitch and now he’s glaring at the bowler. Right, here we are, first ball of the 14th over.

“Bhaiya, cha-yeeee.” The tense atmosphere is pierced by a shrill, high-pitched call. A young boy wearing shorts enters the tent with a kettle and a pile of paper cups. As he pours piping hot tea and hands the cups to the players, an ingenious idea flashes through Sunil’s head.

“Oye, you know how to play cricket? Can you bat?” Sunil asks the boy. The rest of the players start muttering and watch in utter disbelief.

“Yes bhaiya, I know how to play.” The boy nods in agreement.

A smile creeps up Sunil’s face as he gets up, pastes strips of tape over his injured teammate’s jersey, and hands it to the chaiwala.

“Put this on and take this bat. You’re in next.” Sunil says calmly.

Back to our commentators:

Tiwari Ji: Tossed up on middle, batsman hits the ball in the air but OH, there’s a fielder underneath, and he’s GONE! The Sumerians have lost their 9th wicket with 73 needed off 18 balls. Looks like the game is done and dusted folks, there’s no one left in the dressing room. All eyes on the Sumerian skipper now, who’s been fighting a lone battle so far with a valiant 70 off 34. Tiwari Ji: MY GOODNESS, this new kid has just smashed captain Patel for a massive six! That is some hit to open your account.

Shukla Ji: Another one! TWO IN A ROW! Who is this lad? He’s just brought a dead game back to life. Audience members aren’t eating their shawarma or their biryani. They’re too stunned.

Tiwari Ji: Folks, tighten your seatbelts, because this match is taking us on an insane roller-coaster ride. 5 CONSECUTIVE SIXES from this new boy! The Sumerians supporters have found their voice again. He’s tapped the ball to fine leg and taken a single off the last ball to keep strike. A stunned Captain Kohli’s having a few words with the lad, who’s just pointed to the Sumerians dugout.

Shukla Ji: Well, Tiwari Ji, if I were Kohli, I wouldn’t be complaining. The new boy is getting the job done quite nicely. Here we go, Dr. Lakhmir Singh steaming in for the penultimate over with 42 needed.

Tiwari Ji: Shukla Ji, pinch me please. Are you seeing what I’m seeing? Kohli was halfway down the pitch, but this kid didn’t budge and instead, sent him back. Kohli’s furiously swearing at the boy.

Shukla Ji: It really is unbelievable. Why would you not take that easy single and give the strike to your captain? The man’s batting on 70.

Tiwari Ji: THIS IS THE REASON, Shukla Ji! Another maximum that’s just sailed over the bowler’s head! It’s somehow down to 36 off 10 balls now! This is batting of the highest caliber. Why haven’t we seen this boy in the tournament till now?

Shukla Ji: 3 MORE SIXES! Tiwari Ji, hand me my glasses. I can’t believe my eyes. What is happening here? It’s down to 18 off 7 deliveries now! Oh, a police car has just pulled up at the ground’s gate! Someone must have called them since the crowd was being so loud.

Tiwari Ji: Oh the cops are here to watch this kid as well! They’ve sat down at the boundary and are now eagerly watching the match! Excellent comeback from the bowler, 18 needed off the last over now! Can the Sumerians pull off a miracle?

Shukla Ji: Tiwari Ji, with the kind of form their number 11 is in, it certainly looks possible. Oh! Excellent yorker from R.D. Sharma, it’s almost as deadly as his exam questions. This is magnificent bowling from Sharma, almost cleaned up Kohli.

Tiwari Ji: What’s this? Kohli has taken a single and handed the strike to his young prodigy. He’s giving him a thumbs up from the running end.

Shukla Ji: TIWARI JI! THIS MAN IS A MONSTER! Another massive six launched into the crowd. This one went miles up in the air. Just 11 needed off 3 now!

Tiwari Ji: Shukla Ji, if the Sumerians win this, I won’t go to the Galla for a month. I will give up all my earthly belongings, become a monk, and go live in the mountains! This is ridiculous batting from the Sumerians lad.

Shukla Ji: Tiwari Ji, pack your bags. This boy has just bludgeoned another six, straight as an arrow, over the bowler’s head! The mascot bear has passed out from the tension. The crowd’s gone nuts. 5 off 2 needed!

Tiwari Ji: HE’S DONE IT! The No. 11 finishes off in style! A magnificent strike into the crowd. The Sumerians lift the MMNCT Cup for the first time in history! And it’s an unknown lad who’s been absolutely magnificent in the night of the final.

Shukla Ji: I have tears in my eyes, Tiwari Ji. The inexperienced first-year boys from the Sumerians have just taken down the rampaging seasoned veterans of the Shaolin Monks. That too with a ball to spare! They needed 73 off 18 at one stage, but somehow, this one boy changed everything!

Tiwari Ji: Well, Shukla Ji, it’s a night that will go down in SVNIT folklore. It’ll be remembered for decades to come. Here we are with the hero of the match on the mic. Let’s hear what he has to say. Shukla Ji: Son, what you’ve done is absolutely stunning. Congratulations. Tell me everything. How’re you feeling after those insane 3 overs? Got any strength left in those arms of yours? Why weren’t you playing the previous games?

Chaiwala: That’s a lot of questions, sirji. It feels great to show off my batting skills in front of so many people and to win the match for this team. At least I’ll get my Mysore Dosa now.

Shukla Ji: Excuse me? How did dosa come into this?

Chaiwala: See, I went to give tea in that tent over there. One strange-looking man called me and asked me if I knew how to bat. I obviously said yes, but then he forced me to wear this jersey, gave me this bat, and sent me out in the middle. He promised me whatever I wanted if I batted well. I’d heard a lot of people talking about something called “Sparsh” at my tea stall. I asked the guy for “Sparsh” but he scolded me for asking for impossible things. So I just asked him for the best food in their canteen. That’s why, Mysore dosa.

Shukla Ji: I am so confused, son. Why the hell were you giving tea to those lads in the first place?

Chaiwala: What are you talking about, sir? It’s my job.

Shukla Ji: How in the world is that your job?

Chaiwala: I’m no cricketer. I’m not even from this college. I’m just a chaiwala.