Open Apology Letter for My Firstborn Daughter

Ever since you were born, you made me a mother, and my husband a father

We had no experience in raising a baby, nurturing a kid, guiding a teenager

You became our pilot project, our beta tester, our first experience

I remember the day when I delivered you to the world

I cried not because it hurts, but because I didn’t expect you to came that soon

I thought I had to push a little bit more, but of a sudden you just out and cried

After that, everyone smiles, including me

Some shed tears, but tears of joy and happiness

Happy that you came to the world healthy and pretty

I remember the struggle to breastfeed you for the first week

Despite the pain, I kept on trying, you kept on crying

I was under pressure of giving you the best but failed

There were many other times I feel as a failure of being a mom

Those times when I yelled, shouted, mad, angry at you (and your sister, too)

Those scary moments when I am consumed by the ugly monster within myself

Just like tonight...

Ironically right after I posted something about forgiveness

I shouted hard because you were reluctant to study for your final exam

Left you in your room with your dad to study while I tame my monster alone

Later I found out that I was not the only one crying

When I get your dad water to drink, I thought it was for him

But in fact it was for you, who were trying so hard to stop crying

1,5 hour later when your dad already left your room

I entered your room and saw you standing with swollen eye

I hugged you tight and said I’m sorry, truly sorry

I was asking you not only to forgive me

But most important was, to forgive yourself, too

For letting (the monster within) me to hurt you...

You might blame yourself for awaken my scary monster

Yes what you did might probably trigger my anger

But here are the things I want you to remember:

That it’s not entirely your fault

That it’s me dealing with my flaws

That it’s me healing my inner child

I kissed you goodnight and you smiled, that’s enough for me

I can’t promise that I won’t make the same mistake

I can’t guarantee that I won’t be angry with you anymore

I can’t ensure that everything will always be easy as we wish

But...

I can assure you that I will always love you no matter what I can promise you that I love you not because you’re this and that I can pledge that you will always have a special space in my heart

Love, Your mom

Sebelas tahun lalu waktu anak pertama baru lahir, teman kerja di Singapura yang anaknya sudah menginjak remaja berpesan kepada saya, “Enjoy time with your kids, play while they still want to play with you, and capture the moments. Coz time flies and suddenly they have their own world. And by then you’ll miss them being your children.”

I have to thank her for giving me the advice in advance and doing what she said, coz it’s oh so true. Now I’m giving the same advice to all parents out there.

Pada masa-masa terberat saya menjadi ibu rumah tangga dengan dua balita tanpa bantuan pengasuh ataupun asisten rumah tangga, Tuhan pernah memberi saya mimpi dahsyat yang membuat saya terbangun tengah malam. Intinya, pada mimpi itu tiba-tiba balita-balita saya sudah dewasa dan saya tidak merasakan masa kanak-kanak mereka bersama saya. Rasanya sedih luar biasa. Belakangan saya baru tahu itu adalah teknik “reframing”.

Sejak mereka bayi, saya cukup rajin rekam video sehari-hari pakai kamera HP. Dulu suami suka komentar kalau saya foto/videoin anak. “Dikit-dikit rekam, ngapain sih gitu aja direkam?” dst dsb. Saya selalu jawab, “You’ll thank me later.”

And yes, look at it now, he did. You know what I like most about photos? It never changes even though the people in it do. Collect moments and freeze memories. And be surprised by how much changes had happened.