Stop Domestic Abuse Annual Report 2019

SDA A NN UA L R EP ORT 2019

What’s new with Stop Domestic Abuse?

Find out on p4

Will you grow with us?

Learn more on p12 Annual report 2019

#stopdomesticabuse

stopdomesticabuse.uk #stopdomesticabuse @southerndas @Southerndas

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What counts as domestic abuse?

See p7

Chair’s Report: Donna Cullimore

It’s an enormous pleasure and privilege to serve Stop Domestic Abuse. I became Chairperson in September 2018. In the months which have followed, this wonderful organisation has experienced an exciting period of growth.

The devastating impact of domestic abuse affects all parts of society, so we need to make ending domestic abuse everyone’s business. Our new Ask Me programme (see page 17) trains community members to become ambassadors for domestic abuse within their networks – empowering them with the knowledge and confidence to discuss the subject with family, friends and colleagues.

I am proud to have become a trained Ask Me ambassador myself this year and thoroughly believe in the power of community accountability to keep each other safe.

My fellow trustees and I were inspired by the example of Safer Sussex Amber House, a refuge integrated into the community, which we visited recently.

In the months ahead, Stop Domestic Abuse will be moving onto the next stage of our Buy a Brick campaign (see page 12) to purchase a refuge of our own.

The future’s bright!

Donna

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We won a major tender from Hampshire County Council at the end of 2018 and consequently the Stop Domestic Abuse team has expanded from 69 staff in October 2018 to 125 in September 2019.

I would like to congratulate Claire, our CEO, and the team for their exceptional hard work winning this contract and setting up the new services. I am delighted that we can now directly provide 89 bed spaces to women and their children escaping domestic abuse.

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CEO’s report

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Donate without dosh

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Alan’s story: A high-risk client

6

Kelly & Jeff’s story: A co-abusive relationship 16

What counts as domestic abuse?

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New projects

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Becca’s story: A refuge client

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Awareness

18

Where do we work?

10

Grace’s story: A teenage client

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We need to talk

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A day in the life of an IDVA

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Buy a Brick

12

Why we do what we do

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Grant funding and partnerships

14

A world without domestic abuse

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By dedicating ourselves to our vision to stop domestic abuse and to the values that underpin our work, our team significantly improves the lives of the people who use our services.

Mission Stop Domestic Abuse is an innovative and unique provider of services to all those affected by domestic abuse.

And that our organisation: • Works in partnership • Ensures everyone counts • Is well managed and provides value for money • Regularly monitors our services and outcomes • Ensures good governance • Lobbies and campaigns • Is open to progressive and innovative ways of doing things • Provides services that reflect the diverse needs of the communities we serve

Did you know…?

Stop Domestic Abuse was established in 1977 under the name Havant Women’s Aid. Since then we have grown to become the principal provider of domestic abuse support services throughout Hampshire.

Annual report 2019

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Values At Stop Domestic Abuse we are committed to: • Equality • Openness • Honesty • Respect for individual dignity and diversity • Empowering women and children • Care and compassion

By committing to these values we will ensure that our services will be: • Easily accessible • Continually improving • Relevant to service users’ needs • Provided by a diverse workforce • Involving those who use our services • Of real assistance to women, children, young people and men affected by domestic abuse

CEO’s Report

Chief Executive Officer Claire Lambon says the stigma about domestic abuse is being broken. But there’s a long way to go to create a world without domestic abuse…

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his year has been a time of great progress. In late 2018, Stop Domestic Abuse secured the Hampshire County Council contract to deliver domestic abuse support services in all 11 Hampshire districts.

Combined with our contract in Portsmouth and other funding streams, this makes us the principal provider of domestic abuse services across Hampshire.

Since taking over this new contract in April, we have gone through a steep learning curve and doubled our refuge network from seven refuges to 14 (one of these is managed by our partners and sub-contractors Andover Crisis and Support Centre). I would like to thank all our staff for so ably rising to the challenge – as well as to welcome all of our new starters.

New name, same mission To reflect the transformation of our service, we have embraced a new name and brand identity. As announced in last year’s report, we left our old name (Southern Domestic Abuse Service) behind to become Stop Domestic Abuse.

Our new name showcases our mission and our approach.

While much of our work is to stop domestic abuse in current abusive

relationships, ultimately we want to prevent abuse from happening in the first place.

That’s why we work in schools to educate children about healthy relationships; with black, Asian, minority ethnic and refugee communities to discuss harmful cultural practices; with perpetrators to help them understand the impact of their actions and develop healthier behaviours; and with women, children, young people and men who are victims or survivors of abuse to recover from their trauma and learn practical tools to stay safe in the future.

Breaking the silence about domestic abuse There has been significant national media attention on domestic abuse this past year.

In particular, the case of Sally Challen, who had her life sentence for killing her husband overturned this February, because the coercive control she experienced during their marriage became recognised by law in 2015. This landmark ruling and the news coverage it generated has been excellent for stimulating conversation about domestic abuse and for increasing recognition of coercive control.

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Domestic abuse happens to men too Similarly, the case of Alex Skeel, who bravely shared his story in a February television documentary, has highlighted that domestic abuse happens to men too and that, sometimes, women are the perpetrators (see page 16). Indeed, Alex’s partner was the first woman in the UK to be imprisoned for coercive control.

It is important to remember that domestic abuse disproportionately affects women (nearly twice as many women than men were victims of domestic abuse in the year to March 2018).

However, we hope that Alex’s example will empower more male victims to speak up and seek help (see page 6).

At Stop Domestic Abuse, we

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have been providing support services to male victims of domestic abuse since 2011 and we are excited to be launching a specialist ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences) group for men this year.

Government action on domestic abuse This time last year, changes in government funding meant up to half of England’s refuges looked set to close. Thankfully, ministers listened to the concerns that we and other organisations reported and are now proposing the introduction of a statutory duty for local authorities to provide holistic, tailored support to all victims of domestic abuse.

I contributed to the recent consultation on this and hope that it is implemented.

I have also been contributing to government consultations on the landmark new Domestic Abuse Bill, which was presented to parliament in July. I met with Maria Miller MP, Chair of the Joint

Committee that scrutinised the draft bill. It is imperative, that in the current political climate, important legislation like this does not fail to be implemented.

I am delighted that the bill includes the first statutory definition of domestic abuse, including financial abuse and coercive control. It also proposes appointing a Domestic Abuse Commissioner to hold local and national government to account; the introduction of Domestic Abuse Protection Notices and Orders to allow police to intervene earlier where abuse is suspected; increased support for victims to give evidence in criminal courts and a ban on abusers crossexamining victims in family courts.

It is disappointing that the need to protect and support child victims of domestic abuse has not had significant recognition in this bill. We will keep lobbying for the bill to guarantee a timely and holistic response for all victims.

Further still to go Despite the progress made this year, a grand challenge remains ahead. Two million adults experienced domestic abuse in England and Wales last year and we fear the long-term security of our refuges, as we remain at the mercy of national political priorities and of our landlords.

In 2021, we risk losing 52 family refuge spaces, as our largest landlord is considering moving away from refuge provision. That’s why we’re taking matters into our own hands and protecting our refuges through our Buy a Brick campaign (see page 12).

Buy a Brick aims to raise £1million so we can buy a refuge (or refuges) of our own and guarantee a continuous service for women and children fleeing domestic abuse. We are determined to continue providing vulnerable families with a safe place to sleep at night and begin their journey to a life free from abuse. We sincerely appreciate your donations to help us achieve this.

Claire Annual report 2019

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Our vision is a world without domestic abuse. There is a long way still to go, but we are moving in the right direction. Join us!

A L A N’S STORY: A high-risk client

Alan’s life became hell when his teenage son became abusive and pulled a knife on him. With support from Stop Domestic Abuse, Alan has learnt to put his safety first and is finding happiness again.

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ack was always a difficult child. He had Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and as he grew into adolescence, he became more and more aggressive. He was only 16, but I was scared of him. He would smash the house up. One day he grabbed me in a headlock, physically assaulted me and demanded money. I was afraid to say no to him.

My wife and I separated because of the pressure and were advised by the police at the time that they could not guarantee her safety. Jack assaulted her a couple of years ago, so he continued living with me. On another occasion he pulled a knife on me. I was so scared that he was going to stab me. He smashed the door and various items in the house, causing over a £1000 worth of damage. Eventually I found the courage to call the police.

The police removed Jack from the property. Jack was bailed to his mother’s address. The police referred me to Stop Domestic Abuse, who assigned me an Independent Domestic Violence Adviser (IDVA). I had become so anxious and depressed that I had to be signed off work.

Jack breached his bail conditions During my first meeting with my IDVA, I told her that Jack was back at my home. With the IDVA’s support I called the police who took him away.

My IDVA and I created a safety plan and she referred me to the target hardening team, to improve the security of my home. They fitted window alarms and gave me security advice.

My IDVA also arranged for the police safeguarding team to fit a national monitoring alarm.

My IDVA saved my life It’s been heartbreaking for me to accept the breakdown of my relationship with my son. I thought: “How can I give up on him?” My IDVA has helped me to understand that my safety and wellbeing has to come first. I have grown in confidence and gave evidence at court against my son.

I was granted a restraining order for two years.

Jack is now living in supported accommodation provided by the local authority. Slowly, I’ve started feeling happier again.

I’ve started swimming and gardening and I’ll be returning to work soon. When I first met my IDVA, I was ready to take my own life, but she has helped me to live again.

He threatened me with suicide One day, Jack appeared at my front door demanding money.

I didn’t open the door, but eventually I gave into his demands and slipped £5 through the letterbox. A little while later, Jack came back, pushed the letterbox open and shoved three empty paracetamol packets through.

He screamed: “This is what you’ve made me do!”

I panicked and called my IDVA. She helped me to stay calm and told me to call the police and an ambulance, but not to open the door. I followed her advice and didn’t go with Jack to the hospital.

Names have been changed

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It’s been heartbreaking for me to accept the breakdown of my relationship with my son.

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Did you know…?

One in six men experience domestic abuse, yet only one in twenty report it. Men may be abused in a same-sex or heterosexual relationship or by a family member. Men may also be victims of forced marriage.

(ManKind Initiative, 2018)

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Domestic abuse can be a one-off incident or a developing pattern of harmful behaviour. It includes: • Psychological, mental and emotional abuse • Verbal abuse • Physical abuse • Coercive control • Sexual abuse • Financial abuse • Harassment and stalking • Online or digital abuse Coercive control is a recent addition to domestic abuse law. It includes: • Degrading behaviour: putting you down, telling you you’re worthless or calling you names • Isolating you from your family and friends • Jealous and controlling behaviour, including monitoring your movements and activities • A pattern of intimidation:

threatening to rape, beat or kill you (or your child). Or threatening to harm or kill themselves • Damaging your property or household goods • Controlling your money: how much you have and how you spend it • Threatening to report you to the police, other authorities or to publish information about you • Forcing you to take part in criminal activity or child abuse.

Other kinds of domestic abuse Domestic abuse also includes forms of family violence such as forced marriage, female genital mutilation and so called “honour crimes”, which may have multiple perpetrators.

Who can be affected by domestic abuse?

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Annual report 2019

#stopdomesticabuse

More than 1 in 4 women aged 16 to 59 have experienced domestic abuse An estimated 160,000 children in England live in homes where they witness domestic abuse 82% of women who experience abuse by their partner don’t report it to police 1.3 million women and 695,000 men in England and Wales experienced domestic abuse in the year to March 2018 Girls aged 16-19 face the greatest risk of abuse in their intimate relationships @Southerndas

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omestic abuse is more common than you think. It predominantly happens to women and is linked to the inequality between men and women in society. However children, young people, men and the elderly can also be victims of domestic abuse.

Domestic abuse affects people of all ethnicities, gender identities, abilities, sexualities, classes, races and religions. Victims that face other forms of oppression may face further barriers to disclosing abuse and finding help.

In most cases, domestic abuse is committed by an intimate partner or ex-partner, but may also be committed by a family member. A child may be abused by their parent or an adult may be abused by their child.

Two million adults in England and Wales experience domestic abuse each year

BECC A’S STORY: A R EF UGE CL IEN T

“He screamed at me for trying to call an ambulance” Becca and her baby came to a refuge after her partner’s controlling behaviour put the health of their child at risk. With the help of Stop Domestic Abuse, she was able to recognise her partner’s mistakes – as well as her own – and is now starting a new chapter.

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ary was a steroid user. He had a lot of anger and was very controlling.

The first incident I remember happened one day when he was at work. I went to the shops wearing shorts and a vest. Gary drove past, saw me and started sending me abusive messages, saying ‘you look like a hooker’ and ‘what street corner are you standing on?’. He even accused me of sleeping with a man who was just walking by!

Being with Gary, I lost myself.

I stayed because I loved him. But I became a shell, was self-harming and was completely dependent on him.

My journey to a refuge started when our daughter had not long turned one. She climbed up and fell out of her cot. Gary refused to let me get help and screamed at me for trying to call an ambulance.

Our daughter was in my arms at the time. After that she stopped eating.

I spoke to my health visitor and she got me into a refuge. At the beginning, I still didn’t see Gary

as abusive, but getting to know the other girls in the refuge and relating to their stories, I realised my relationship was abusive.

My baby came back to life As my daughter settled into the refuge, I realised that the abuse had made her lose herself too.

She started to eat better and play more. She was happy again.

Living in refuge was never easy.

I still had some contact with Gary and he tried to continue the emotional abuse – threatening to take the baby.

There were days that I was upset and wanted my own space, but everyone helped each other. The staff were always on hand to provide support or even just to have a chat. We also had a playworker that helped with the children, so

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at times I could have a break.

There were workshops for adults as well, and we got to have a little fun along the way. We had regular house meetings, where we could raise issues or make suggestions. Everyone got to have a say.

I learnt my own worth Being in the refuge helped me to realise my worth and gave me the strength to stand up for myself. It taught me that I can be independent. It also taught me that there are lots of different types of abuse and that no abuse is okay.

I used to think that Gary was a good dad but while in the refuge, I came to realise that he was a bad dad for putting our daughter in the middle. Since we left him, he has also realised his mistakes and is correcting them.

Being in the refuge taught me that there are lots of different types of abuse and that no abuse is okay.

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I now understand that I made mistakes too. I’m currently doing Stop Domestic Abuse’s Up2U: My Choice programme, to identify unhealthy behaviours I use in my own life and how to change.

Annual report 2019

A brighter future Gary understands his apologies won’t change anything. However, we are better parents now and we are both in a good place in our lives. We both realise that what was happening before was abuse.

Most importantly, my daughter has her mum back and our relationship is stronger than ever. #stopdomesticabuse

We couldn’t be happier. We are looking forward to the future.

Names have been changed

Did you know…?

On average, a victim of domestic abuse will experience 50 incidents of abuse before getting effective help.

(SafeLives, 2015) @Southerndas

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The support didn’t end when I left refuge A year on from when we first went into the refuge, life couldn’t be better. My daughter is two now, we have our own home and a great support network.

I made some close friendships in the refuge. Some of us girls used to cook together and eat together – from fajitas and curry, to roast

dinners! We are still friends now and we still like to cook together.

Staff from the refuge still help when and where they can, such as helping me to get furniture for my new home. My daughter still goes to their children’s activities.

Where we work

This year we expanded our service across Hampshire, including the Portsmouth City Council area.

Across Hampshire and Portsmouth we offer community based 1:1 support for adult victims and children affected by domestic abuse. This support is tailored to the individual’s risk level and support needs.

Basingstoke • Three refuges with combined space for seventeen women and their children • Group work programmes for adults, children and young people • Specialist Diversity and Inclusion Support Eastleigh • Refuge space for nine women and their children • Group work programmes for adults, children and young people, delivered in partnership with the Family Support Service

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East Hampshire • Refuge space for nine women and their children • Group work programmes for adults, children and young people • Up2U Armed Forces and Up2U Creating Healthy Relationships to support victims and perpetrators • Target Hardening service • Ask Me community ambassador training • Specialist work to tackle Harmful Cultural Practices (HCP) Fareham • Refuge space for six women and their children • Group work programmes for children and young people • Up2U Armed Forces and Up2U Creating Healthy Relationships to support victims and perpetrators • Up2U My Choice to support victims and survivors • Target Hardening service • Community work around Female Genital Mutilation (FGM)

Gosport • Refuge space for three women and their children • Group work programmes for adults, children and young people • Up2U Armed Forces and Up2U Creating Healthy Relationships to support victims and perpetrators • Up2U My Choice to support victims and survivors • Target Hardening service • Community work around Female Genital Mutilation (FGM) Havant • Refuge space for six women and their children • Group work programmes for adults, children and young people • Up2U Armed Forces and Up2U Creating Healthy Relationships to support victims and perpetrators • Up2U My Choice to support victims and survivors • Target Hardening service • Ask Me community ambassador training • Mental Health Support Worker • Community work around Female Genital Mutilation (FGM) • Specialist support for Child Sexual Exploitation • Specialist work to tackle Harmful Cultural Practices (HCP) New Forest • Two refuges with combined space for nine women and their children • Group work programmes for adults, children and young people

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Portsmouth • Three refuges with combined space for sixteen women and their children • Group work programmes for adults, children and young people • Mental Health Support Worker • Specialist Diversity and Inclusion Support • Community work around Female Genital Mutilation (FGM) Rushmoor and Hart • Refuge space for seven women and their children • Group work programmes for adults, children and young people • Up2U My Choice to support victims and survivors • Target Hardening service • Ask Me community ambassador training Test Valley (Services provided by our partner Andover Crisis and Support Centre) • Refuge for nineteen women and their children • Group work programmes for adults and children • Stop Domestic Abuse provides Domestic Abuse Health Advocates at Andover Hospital Winchester • Refuge space for seven women and their children • Group work programmes for adults, children and young people • Domestic Abuse Health Advocates at Winchester Hospital

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Hart Basingstoke Rushmoor

Test Valley

East Hampshire

Winchester

Eastleigh

Fareham

Havant

New Forest Gosport

Think you’re not affected by domestic abuse? Think again.

Domestic abuse affects the safety, wellbeing, health and prosperity of every part of society.

Statistically, someone you love, someone you work with, someone you socialise with or someone you exercise with is a victim or survivor

Portsmouth

of domestic abuse. Yet fear or stigma mean they might not speak up.

Domestic abuse is everyone’s business and we all have a role to play in creating a world without domestic abuse. It’s time to break the silence.

What will you do?

On average, two women each week are killed by a partner or ex-partner in England and Wales.

Annual report 2019

#stopdomesticabuse

@Southerndas

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Did you know…?

Fundraising

We believe every woman and every child affected by domestic abuse should have a safe place to go. Our Buy a Brick campaign seeks to raise £1million to guarantee the future of our service by buying a refuge of our own.

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hoever you are, wherever you come from, we all need a safe place to sleep at night. We’re proud to currently provide refuge spaces for 89 women and children every night – families who have fled their homes due to the dangers of domestic abuse.

Yet the future of our service is under threat. We don’t own any of our refuges and we rely on the will of current government policy to continue to fund our bed spaces.

We are committed to ensuring this doesn’t happen – but we need your help. Our Buy a Brick campaign seeks to raise £1million to buy (or build) a refuge of our own and guarantee continued support for domestic abuse victims.

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“We’ve raised £500,000 so far! Halfway to our target.”

Our largest landlord is considering stopping refuge provision in 2021. This means we could lose 52 family refuge spaces – nearly 60% of our current beds.

Halfway to a house The good news is we’re halfway there!

Hundreds of people have supported us already and we’re thrilled to have now raised £500,000.

Thank you to everyone who has donated so far.

Our dream is not only to guarantee the future of our service, but to create a dedicated refuge offering a unique, childcentred and holistic home. A place

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where families receive innovative, integrated and individualised support to recover from their trauma and rebuild their lives.

More than a refuge For women and their children who are escaping domestic abuse, having a safe place to go is crucial. For some, it can make the difference between life and death.

But we believe a refuge should provide more than just accommodation. It should provide refuge in every sense of the word.

We dream of creating a positive, welcoming space that boosts wellbeing and supports trauma recovery.

Supporting children to be children Without early intervention, children who are exposed to domestic abuse risk severe and long-lasting physical, psychological and behavioural

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£25 will buy a bronze brick £100 will buy a silver brick £1,000 will buy a gold brick

Your donation won’t just help us to build a refuge. It will help to rebuild the lives of the women and children

£25,000 will buy a bedroom

damage – including an increased risk of entering abusive relationships in the future.

Our refuge will provide a supportive and nurturing environment to help children recover and heal. A space with indoor and garden areas for therapeutic play, where children can rediscover the joy of childhood.

Together, we can create a world without domestic abuse.

Annual report 2019

Scan to donate How you can help?

Your support is crucial to the continuation of our service. Every pound, every brick, takes us one step closer to establishing our own refuge. Will you help us reach our target?

• Make a one-off donation now via Virgin Money Giving – tinyurl.com/buyabricknow • Donate every month – tinyurl.com/stopDA • Run a fundraising event or take on a sponsored sporting challenge for us • Make a donation from your business or club (or nominate us to your boss) • Play our community lottery each week – stopdomesticabuse.uk/lottery • Leave us a legacy in your will • To find out more about supporting us, contact info@stopdomesticabuse.uk

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Help families heal Our refuge would also allow families to make happy new memories together. This is our dream for every family – to be able to access a life free of domestic abuse.

If you are yet to support us, or you feel able to support us again, please help us to build the refuge of our dreams.

We’re committed to continue providing women and children escaping abuse with a safe place to sleep at night and we’re so close to making this dream come true.

You can help us to make this dream a reality. Buy a brick and help us to secure the future of our service.

who stay there.

Grant funding and partnerships

We live and breathe community At Stop Domestic Abuse, we love our communities. We live in our communities. And we understand and respond to their needs.

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e are not outsiders with big ideas for tackling domestic abuse. We are passionate community members, who know our neighbourhoods inside out and respond to the real needs of our local area.

Our uniqueness comes from our expertise and experience, having started our first refuge in Havant over 40 years ago. As we expand, we empower residents of our new areas to join our team and to share their local knowledge with us.

Using funds effectively To do this work, we rely on income from grant-makers, foundations, trusts and community partners. The support of these organisations is paramount to the continuation

of our service and every grant we receive – big or small – is valuable to us.

In the last year, we successfully won more than 20 grants: ranging from £120 for refuge garden furniture to £300,000 to support perpetrators of domestic abuse to understand and change their behaviour.

Creating real change Our deep integration into our communities means we are receptive and sensitive, enabling us to respond creatively to the needs of victims and survivors of domestic abuse.

We currently provide group work, support for children and young people, refuge accommodation, therapeutic

services, perpetrator support, training to other agencies (including Hampshire police), preventative work in schools and communities and specialist support for ethnic minorities.

We are always excited to pilot new programmes and constantly improve the way we work. Our schemes are at the cutting edge of best practice and create real and measurable change.

If you are a business, community stakeholder or grant-maker and would like to work with us, please contact: 023 9200 8329.

Did you know…?

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We are currently commissioned to deliver our services across Hampshire by Hampshire County Council, Portsmouth City Council and the Office of The Police and Crime Commissioner. Other partners include: Andover Crisis and Support Centre, the University of Portsmouth, the Royal Navy and Royal Marines Welfare Service, Havant Borough Council, and a subregional project led by Hart District Council, covering Hampshire, Dorset and the Isle of Wight.

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Would you like to help us, but you’re short of cash?

There are many more ways to support our work! over 4,300 brands (including Amazon) and we will receive a donation for every purchase you make!

1. Donate time – Could you help with gardening in our refuges?

Or drive to pick up donations?

Perhaps you’re a hairdresser or beautician, who’d like to give the residents in a refuge a treat?

Whatever your unique skill, we’d love to hear from you!

4. Donate your celebration – Got a special event coming up? Run a raffle for us! Birthday? Request friends donate to us instead of buying you a gift. Christmas?

Skip the Christmas shopping and make a donation in your loved ones’ honour.

2. Donate your voice – Would you be willing to speak to your family and friends about domestic abuse? Join our Ask Me ambassador training programme! For more information see page 17.

5. Donate as you shop – Do your online shopping via GiveAsYouLive.com and choose Stop Domestic Abuse as your charity partner. Buy from

3. Donate your network – Help to raise our profile and stimulate conversation about domestic abuse. Engage with us on social media (@southerndas), share our content and post about our work.

Whichever way you choose to support us, we’d love to hear from you!

Contact info@stopdomesticabuse.uk to get involved. Your assistance is greatly appreciated and will really brighten up the life of someone affected by domestic abuse.

6. Donate goods – Donate your second-hand clothes, home items and more. All donations must be good quality and we recommend contacting us first to check our current needs. You can also visit our Amazon wishlist: tinyurl.com/ stopDAwishlist

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Annual report 2019

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@Southerndas

K ELLY A ND JEFF: A CO-A BUSI V E R EL AT IONSHI P…

KELLY I decided to refer myself to Up2U after slapping my husband.

Jeff became scared of me after that. Our marriage wasn’t always this way, but stress was our downfall.

Before joining the Up2U programme, communication between Jeff and me was awful. I would quickly “see red” and when I didn’t know how to articulate myself, I’d slap him around the face.

The Up2U team helped me recognise the triggers for my anger and how to deal with it in a healthy way. We broke down how my thinking, feelings and behaviour have led to abusive consequences. Then we explored how I can change my thinking, so I can change my behaviour.

I’ve realised that I can’t control anyone else’s behaviour, but I can change my own. I’ve learnt the importance of self-care and that striving to please Jeff at my own expense will not create a healthy relationship.

I can already see a big difference. It’s suddenly so much easier to use healthy behaviours when I feel frustrated or angry.

Jeff and I are building a stronger path for communication and the marriage feels more solid than it has been in a very long time. Our future looks positive now.

JEFF This was the last chance to save my marriage.

My wife and I began arguing two years ago and things were getting worse. Kelly would hit me when she got angry and I would smash things. I wanted help. Most of all, I wanted to avoid violence.

Up2U contacted me and offered me a 6-week assessment. Kelly was already working with them and it seemed it was helping.

One of our main issues was my ex-partner – my daughter’s mother. My ex would cause us a lot of upset and because these issues came from my side, I felt that Kelly and her children wouldn’t be experiencing this if I wasn’t around.

Since engaging with Up2U, Kelly and I have been better at understanding each other’s frustrations and supporting one another. In the programme there are four colours, each indicating healthy and unhealthy behaviours. The aim is to show green behaviours.

Kelly and I can identify when we’re not being ‘green’ and talk it through. I have also learnt techniques to help me calm down, rather than acting on impulse.

My wife and I are no longer considering separation.

We have been spending more time together as a couple and are even planning our own trip together.

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Names have been changed

Did you know…?

Not all abusive relationships have a clear victim and perpetrator. In some cases, both individuals exhibit unhealthy or abusive behaviours, or else develop unhealthy behaviours as a way of coping with the abuse they face.

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New projects

A fresh perspective on tackling domestic abuse For all the progress made to address domestic abuse, there is much work still to be done to end it. An innovative, holistic and collaborative approach is required. With that in mind, Stop Domestic Abuse this year launched four exciting new projects to create healthier, safer communities.

A

Annual report 2019

and processes when there is a suspicion of domestic abuse with a patient and to increase referrals into the commissioned services.

The advocates also provide frontline support to patients affected by domestic abuse, by assisting them in safety planning and referring them to specialist domestic abuse services.

Ask Me and The Health Advocacy Project represent part of the South Coast Making Safe scheme: a collection of Ministry of Housing, Communities and Local Government (MHCLG) funded projects, in partnership with Hart District Council. MHCLG also funded two of our other new projects, in partnership with Portsmouth City Council: Up2U: My Choice supports domestic abuse victims with complex needs, who display unhealthy attitudes and behaviours that increase their likelihood of entering another abusive relationship. Facilitators use motivational interview techniques to build trust with clients and help them break the cycle of negative self-talk, conflict management and/or #stopdomesticabuse

substance misuse. The holistic programme is tailored to each client’s individual needs. Modules include: exploring relationship dynamics (romantic, friendship, familial and professional); gender values, attitudes and stereotypes; and recognising and managing emotions.

The Mental Health Advocacy Project provides domestic abuse survivors in Portsmouth and Havant with short and long-term mental health support. The Mental Health Support Worker (MHSW) helps refuges to safely welcome more people with additional mental health needs and provides specialist support for these clients to settle into their new community – preventing relapse at an emotionally-challenging time.

The MHSW offers one-to-one support to women, children and young people in refuges and in the community, as well as encouraging peer support through group sessions, such as mindfulness.

Additionally, the MSHW trains Stop Domestic Abuse staff to support victims with mental health issues.

@Southerndas

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sk Me is a communitybased training programme designed to break the silence about domestic abuse.

Members of the community receive 12 hours’ free training to learn how to challenge myths about domestic abuse and victim blaming attitudes expressed by people in their network.

Participants are empowered to take a proactive role in raising awareness of domestic abuse in their communities, so that anyone experiencing domestic abuse feels able to speak out and access the support they need from Stop Domestic Abuse and other specialist services. Part of Ask Me is funded by Women’s Aid. The Health Advocacy Project aims to improve support for patients who disclose domestic abuse to hospital staff. Delivered in partnership with Hampshire Hospitals NHS Foundation Trust, Domestic Abuse Health Advocates are positioned in the A&E and maternity departments of Winchester and Andover hospitals.

These advocates work with health professionals to improve their knowledge, confidence

Awareness

We talk about domestic abuse. In the media, online, in our communities and with politicians and other influencers.

And they talk about us!

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A

t Stop Domestic Abuse, we are passionate about breaking the silence surrounding domestic abuse. We want to improve understanding of the issue and provide support to help stop domestic abuse.

We send out regular press releases, leading to radio, TV and print interviews. This year, CEO Claire Lambon was featured three times on the BBC. She joined local MPs on Sunday Politics South to debate the future of refuge provision.

Claire also speaks regularly on Express FM and Wave 105.

We participate in international awareness days, such as International Men’s Day, International Women’s Day and the 16 Days of Action Against Domestic Violence. This year, we launched a new annual awareness day – Stop Domestic Abuse Day – which is marked on the first Friday of July. This year we hosted events in Portsmouth, Winchester and Havant and had significant engagement online.

One of the goals for Stop Domestic Abuse Day was to cycle 150km to raise awareness of the one in five children who will experience domestic abuse during their childhood. Thanks to the efforts of our staff, we managed to smash our target, cycling 380 km!

Another important event this year was the official launch of Stop

Domestic Abuse as the county lead for Hampshire’s domestic abuse service. These two events helped raise awareness of our new brand and the support we offer. They also provided exciting opportunities to engage with new, existing and potential partners, domestic abuse survivors, loved ones of victims and potential volunteers.

Throughout the year, we give talks in the community – from churches to trade unions – raising awareness about domestic abuse and fundraising for our services.

We also provide training to local agencies, including the police and Hampshire County Council, to improve their understanding and response to domestic abuse.

Additionally, we engage with and lobby MPs, councillors, mayors, commissioners and government ministers to ensure our clients’ voices are heard.

We have more than 5,000 followers across Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. Join the conversation and follow us @southerndas.

Did you know…?

On 5 July 2019 we launched the first ever Stop Domestic Abuse Day: A day to stimulate conversation about domestic abuse and to break the taboo about it in our communities.

STOP DOMESTIC ABUSE

stopdomesticabuse.uk

GR ACE’S STORY: A T EENAGE CL IEN T

Dave was a good friend of my Dad’s. One of my earliest memories is of Dave coming to the house with his girlfriend. They got into an argument and he stabbed her in the chest.

M

Annual report 2019

was so scared and needed someone to talk to. It would go in circles…

I would tell my teachers about the abuse, Mum would be called in for a meeting, then she would get annoyed with me for talking.

Eventually, I stopped telling the teachers what was going on.

I started misbehaving and had to move schools.

When I was 16, I moved in with Dad. Dave had left by then, so I had no reason to stay. People don’t understand this, but Dave was a parent to me. He wasn’t a good one, but he was consistent. When I got a good grade at school, I knew he’d be there to give me a hug when I got home.

Around this time, my social worker referred me to Stop Domestic Abuse. I rolled my eyes when it was suggested.

When I first met my Children and Young Person’s (CYP) Worker, I was rude to her and sat with my cap pulled down. My teacher told me to keep attending, so I gave it a go, but after a few months, I stopped.

Five months after that, my mental health had gone downhill.

It took a lot of courage to text my CYP worker asking her to work with me again, but I knew I needed help. I needed someone I could trust to talk to about my childhood.

When most children cry, their parents soothe them. I never had that. I never had anyone to teach me how to manage my feelings.

Thanks to Stop Domestic Abuse, I now have a sense of how to deal with my emotions and how to have my own healthy relationships. I knew emotional abuse in a relationship was wrong, but now I understand what healthy friendships look like too.

Mutual respect and the ability to share my feelings without intentionally hurting the other person.

That’s what’s important to me.

“It took a lot of courage to text my CYP worker, but I knew I needed help.

I needed someone I could trust.”

#stopdomesticabuse

Names have been changed

@Southerndas

PAGE 19

y parents separated when I was five. Soon after, Mum and Dave became a couple.

Mum knew what he was capable of, but probably thought that she could change him.

My younger brother went to live with Dad, so for a while it was just me, Mum and Dave – and he was really nice. Things started to change when Mum told him she was pregnant. That was the first time I saw him hit her.

Everything got worse when her bump started to show. I clearly remember walking in on Dave violently kicking Mum while she lay in a pool of blood.

I went with her to hospital and when she was asked how she had bruised her back so badly, Mum told the doctor she slipped down the stairs. I looked at her and thought: ‘No, you didn’t!’

As I became more aware of the abuse, the dynamic of my relationship with Mum changed.

Increasingly, I felt like I was the parent. By now, I had a new baby brother and sister and I felt protective of them. Often, they would cry to me, instead of to Mum. When I started secondary school, I spoke to teachers about what was happening at home. I

A Day in the Life of an IDVA

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My name is Emily. I’ve worked for Stop Domestic Abuse for three years as an Independent Domestic Violence Adviser (IDVA). My job is to work with the most high-risk clients in the community to manage their vulnerabilities and help them to stay safe.

8.30am: My day always starts with a cup of good coffee. That sets me up nicely for the morning. On my way into the office, I listen to the radio and sing along to get me into a positive mood!

9.00am: When I get to my desk, the first thing I do is check my calendar for the day’s appointments and go through my emails and messages. There are a couple of urgent emails relating to two of my current clients. Another one is from a client who I am due to see later. She’s received some paperwork from her solicitor and is asking if I can go over it with her. I give her a quick call to confirm our appointment and to reassure her that we will look at the paperwork together.

9.20am: My first appointment of the day is with a new client, who has been referred to us by the police. Before leaving the office, I check the referral information and risk assessment, then head out to meet her. This client has been assessed as high-risk, so I am keen to help make her feel safer and more in control of her situation.

9.45am: I meet the client and it’s clear that she is very frightened. She is experiencing fairly high levels of stalking from her ex-partner and feels unable to leave the house. This is having a massive impact on her wellbeing.

During our appointment, I contact Hampshire Police’s Stalking Clinic to seek advice and support for the issues she is experiencing. The client and I arrange to attend a meeting together since she doesn’t feel safe to go alone. We also arrange an appointment with a solicitor to apply for a Non-Molestation Order.

This would stop her ex-partner from contacting her directly or indirectly.

We complete a safety plan for the client to start using immediately. We will complete further work around her individual support plan at our next meeting, but we agree that she needs an immediate referral to our target hardening team, who can help to increase her security at home.

Before I leave the client, I check how she is feeling STOP DOMESTIC ABUSE

now. She tells me a huge weight has been lifted from her shoulders. I leave with a smile on my face.

11.05am: Back in the car, I make a few notes about the appointment, which I will use to write up my full length notes once I am back in the office. A quick check of my phone shows that I have a missed call from another client. I call her back and she tells me that a court date has been set for the charge against her children’s father. She has been called as a witness and is feeling nervous.

I talk to her about what this means and make sure that she fully understands what will happen at the hearing. We have an appointment later in the week where we can discuss the criminal justice process in more detail, but I don’t want her to worry until then.

11.30am: Onto my next appointment, with the client who I spoke to earlier this morning. We go over a couple of things which were on her support plan: housing and benefits. Both of these are now being dealt with by the relevant agencies, but the client is anxious for an update.

She asks me to contact them and to ensure that they have all the relevant information. I suggest that we do this together, now, instead. By supporting the client to make the phone calls herself, I empower her to start taking more control of her situation.

We then go over the papers from the solicitor together and review some other outstanding items on her support plan. We also check that everything in her safety plan is still relevant and that she doesn’t have any concerns. I arrange to meet the client at the solicitor’s office the following week.

12.55pm: I have a message from my next client cancelling our appointment at the last minute, so I head back to the office and grab a quick bite for lunch with a couple of colleagues. We talk about our holiday plans – normal stuff!

It’s nice to unwind a little after a busy morning. stopdomesticabuse.uk

Annual report 2019

My first appointment tomorrow will be supporting a client in court. I give the client a call to confirm the arrangements and to check how she’s feeling. I remind her that we need to enter the court from the rear entrance and reassure her that she will be able to wait for the hearing in a separate location to her expartner.

We have requested that special measures be put in place so the client will have the protection of a screen when she gives her evidence. She and her partner will also be brought into court at different times to make sure they don’t see each other, as she is still very scared of him.

I call the court to check that screens will be available for the hearing. I then call the client back to confirm that everything is in place.

5.20pm: I just have time to record these conversations on our system before finishing for the day. Early start tomorrow as I am picking my client up at 8.30am to arrive at the court in good time!

5.30pm: I go home ready to do it all again tomorrow and hoping for a successful outcome in court. I will sleep well knowing that, because of my help, my clients feel a little bit safer tonight.

Did you know…?

7.2% of adults in England and Wales experienced stalking by a partner, ex-partner or family member in the year to March 2018

#stopdomesticabuse

@Southerndas

PAGE 21

1.25pm: I write up the notes from this morning’s appointments and make the referral to the target hardening team. I make a few phone calls relating to some other clients’ cases and call back two clients who had left messages for me in the office. One of these clients is still living with her abusive partner, so I have to be careful not to contact her when he might be around. Luckily, I saw her message just in time, as her partner finishes work at 2pm.

2.45pm: I meet a client at a local solicitor’s office.

He is applying for a Non-Molesation Order against his wife.

This client has been experiencing abuse for around 18 months but had previously been reluctant to engage with support services. This is a big step forward.

I have met with him on several occasions over the past six weeks and through the work we have done together he has been able to acknowledge his experiences and gain a better understanding of his wife’s abusive behaviours.

The solicitor tells us he will prepare the application and I reassure my client that once he receives this, I will recap the next steps with him before it goes to court. I also confirm that I will accompany him to court to support him, which he is very relieved about.

We arrange a further meeting for the following week and I complete a six week review risk assessment with him.

3.50pm: When I get back to the office, I update all my notes and go through my calendar for the following week. I add in the new appointments which were made today.

Afterwards, I turn my attention to the final paperwork for a client whose case I am closing now that our work together is complete. I will be passing this case over to our outreach team for ongoing support. I catch up with the outreach worker to discuss some details about the client. I then pass the closing paperwork onto our Senior IDVA to review.

4.55pm: The working day is drawing to a close, but there’s a few final tasks to prepare for tomorrow.

Why we do what we do

Our vision is a world without domestic abuse. Everything we do works towards that vision; whether it is helping survivors recover, perpetrators to change their behaviour, children to understand healthy relationships or simply raising awareness.

Community-based services ensure that victims can stay in their home/area whenever possible.

One-to-one support ensures that each client receives a unique service, working at their own pace in a location where they feel safe (including their own homes). We provide support in person, on the phone, via email or using video chat apps.

Group work allows victims to understand more about domestic abuse and how it has affected them. It helps rebuild self-esteem and provides opportunities to meet others with similar experiences, often forming friendships that last beyond the group.

Children and young people’s services are crucial to help the young make sense of what they have seen and heard and to regain a sense of safety.

Children and young people can have unhealthy coping strategies based on trauma, be behind in their development and struggle with relationships and friendships.

People who use abusive and unhealthy behaviours can change and we provide specialist programmes for those who admit that they have done abusive and unhealthy things in their relationships and want to change.

Our programmes encourage people to take responsibility for their actions, develop healthy responses to negative emotions and conflict resolution, and are tailored to each individual. Their partners are also offered bespoke support.

Partnerships are crucial to achieving a world without domestic abuse. Our most important partners are our clients, and we represent their voices in all that we do.

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Domestic abuse is everyone’s business. With one in four women and one in six men affected by domestic abuse in the UK, everyone will know someone who has been directly affected. All our partnerships ensure we can reach those who need our support. These can be formal partnerships with other charities, or with statutory agencies to deliver services. We are passionate about creating a world without domestic abuse: for every woman, man, young person and child.

STOP DOMESTIC ABUSE

stopdomesticabuse.uk

Help us to create a world without domestic abuse A world without domestic abuse is possible, but it will take all of us.

We all have a role to play.

We can create a safe space where families escaping abuse can go. Where they can rebuild their lives and change their future.

Help us turn this vision into a reality. Support our Buy a Brick campaign to build our own refuge and secure the future of our service.

Donate right away!

Visit tinyurl.com/buyabricknow or scan here Did you know‌?

Scan to donate

PAGE 23

Almost 200 women and children are turned away from refuges each day in England due to lack of space.

Women’s Aid, 2017

Annual report 2019

#stopdomesticabuse

@Southerndas

Advice line: 0330 016 5112 Always dial 999 if you are in immediate danger or in an emergency.

Contact Us In writing: PO Box 53, Havant, Hants.

PO9 1UA By phone Hampshire: Portsmouth:

0330 016 5112 023 9206 5494

By email: info@stopdomesticabuse.uk Stop Domestic Abuse is an innovative and unique provider of services to all those affected by domestic abuse.

Through Social Media: facebook.com/Southerndas Instagram: @southerndas twitter.com/Southerndas

We don’t just protect and work with victims, we help perpetrators, the police and many other organisations.

Our vision is a world without domestic abuse Stop Domestic Abuse is the trading name of Southern Domestic Abuse Service Registered Charity Number 1146773.