Becca’s story: A refuge client

“He screamed at me for trying to call an ambulance”

Becca and her baby came to a refuge after her partner’s controlling behaviour put the health of their child at risk. With the help of Stop Domestic Abuse, she was able to recognise her partner’s mistakes – as well as her own – and is now starting a new chapter.

Gary was a steroid user. He had a lot of anger and was very controlling.

The first incident I remember happened one day when he was at work. I went to the shops wearing shorts and a vest. Gary drove past, saw me and started sending me abusive messages, saying ‘you look like a hooker’ and ‘what street corner are you standing on?’. He even accused me of sleeping with a man who was just walking by!

Being with Gary, I lost myself.

I stayed because I loved him. But I became a shell, was self-harming and was completely dependent on him.

My journey to a refuge started when our daughter had not long turned one. She climbed up and fell out of her cot. Gary refused to let me get help and screamed at me for trying to call an ambulance.

Our daughter was in my arms at the time. After that she stopped eating.

I spoke to my health visitor and she got me into a refuge. At the beginning, I still didn’t see Gary as abusive, but getting to know at times I could have a break. the other girls in the refuge and There were workshops for relating to their stories, I realised adults as well, and we got to have my relationship was abusive. a little fun along the way. We had My baby came back to life we could raise issues or make

As my daughter settled into the suggestions. Everyone got to refuge, I realised that the abuse have a say. had made her lose herself too. regular house meetings, where She started to eat better and play I learnt my own worth more. She was happy again. Being in the refuge helped

Living in refuge was never easy. me to realise my worth and gave I still had some contact with Gary me the strength to stand up for and he tried to continue myself. It taught me that I the emotional abuse can be independent. It – threatening to Being in the also taught me that take the baby. There were refuge taught me there are lots of different types of days that I was upset and that there are lots abuse and that no abuse is okay. wanted my of different types of I used to own space, but everyone abuse and that no think that Gary was a good dad helped each other. The staff abuse is okay. but while in the refuge, I came to were always on realise that he was a hand to provide bad dad for putting our support or even just to have daughter in the middle. Since we a chat. We also had a playworker left him, he has also realised his that helped with the children, so mistakes and is correcting them.

I now understand that I made mistakes too. I’m currently doing Stop Domestic Abuse’s Up2U: My Choice programme, to identify unhealthy behaviours I use in my own life and how to change.

The support didn’t end when I left refuge

A year on from when we first went into the refuge, life couldn’t be better. My daughter is two now, we have our own home and a great support network.

I made some close friendships in the refuge. Some of us girls used to cook together and eat together – from fajitas and curry, to roast

dinners! We are still friends now and we still like to cook together.

Staff from the refuge still help when and where they can, such as helping me to get furniture for my new home. My daughter still goes to their children’s activities.

A brighter future

Gary understands his apologies won’t change anything. However, we are better parents now and we are both in a good place in our lives. We both realise that what was happening before was abuse.

Most importantly, my daughter has her mum back and our relationship is stronger than ever. We couldn’t be happier. We are looking forward to the future.

Names have been changed

Did you know…?

On average, a victim of domestic abuse will experience 50 incidents of abuse before getting effective help.