Voices Heard eZine Spring|Summer 2024

INTERACTIVE EZINE | SPRING | SUMMER 2024

Voices Heard OUR

STORIES

HOPE FOR A FUTURE

INDESTRUCTIBLE BROKEN MIND

TORNADO IN MY MIND, MY MOUTH FULL OF BEES

SHATTERED

HEALING MY INNER CHILD, A BEAUTIFUL GIRL WHO LOVED TO CLIMB TREES

WHAT I HAVEN’T SAID A MOTHER’S GREATEST NIGHTMARE

THE BUTTERFLY, THE SNAKE, AND THE BEE

THE MAGIC OF CREATIVITY

MY HEALING SPACE

HEALING OURSELVES & OUR COMMUNITIES

THE PATH TO HEALING FROM SEXUAL ABUSE

Photography by Heather

EDITORIAL TEAM

CLAIRE O’LEARY Founder, Editor-in-Chief Creative Director

CONTRIBUTORS

PHOTOGRAPHY

®2024 THE EMPOWERED VOICE, VOICES HEARD ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

SHERYL BLAHNIK Copy Editor

BROOKE RON CAPOCELLI

BONNIE ELLEN

RACHEL GRANT

HEATHER

JOANNE KIRVES

MARY KNIGHT

CLAIRE O’LEARY

SHERYL YODDEE

TOMO SAITO

ENOUGH 6

I buried it and

FROM THE EDITOR: OUR STORIES 7

Our stories differ and yet we share so much…

INDESTRUCTIBLE 8

I had years of thinking I was a burden

BROKEN MIND 12

These wounds won’t heal themselves

SHATTERED

I am here to say the silence must end because it is further

WHAT I HAVEN’T SAID

I feel the sucker punch of shame in my gut that robs me.

A MOTHER’S GREATEST NIGHTMARE

My heart was bleeding. My tears were flowing

ADULTERATED AN EXCERPT PART TWO

Cousin Mae was loaded with wisdom and

THE MAGIC OF CREATIVITY

I used to think of myself as boring. My closet

7 24 12 36 22 6 8 13 20

ENOUGH

By Joanne Kirves

I buried it and moved on.

Yes, it popped up, but I gracefully stomped it down.

Until one day, it, she, would no longer be ignored.

That little girl had endured Enough! She said to me…

I have been ignored long enough.

I have been silent long enough.

I have hurt long enough.

I have given all my love away for long enough.

I’m here and I demand you pay attention to me.

Release me from the dark, cold space of lies, shame and secrets.

Bring me into the light and the love.

Release me from the secrets.

Release me from the shame.

Release me from everyone else’s responsibilities.

Release me from the sadness.

Open me to true joy, love and the light.

Show me how to love and care for myself.

FROM THE EDITOR: OUR STORIES

Our stories differ and yet we share so much. From Childhood Sexual Abuse (CSA), Incest, to Sibling Sexual Abuse (SSA) to parenthood, we share many similar aspects in healing. So many impactful stories follow about the lives of survivors.

I’m blessed to know Joanne Kirves, a repeat contributor, whose poem Enough touched me in so many ways. It’s front and center on Pg 6.

A mother daughter team shared their empowering stories and poem Indestructible Pg 8, poem Broken Mind Pg 12, by Brook about healing from sibling sexual abuse, and Shattered by Heather, Pg 13. Another new contributor Bonnie Ellen shared her beautifully written and profound poetry What I Haven’t Said, Pg 20. In A Mother’s Greatest Nightmare, Sheryl tells us about her touching story when her daughter revealed her sibling sexual abuse, Pg 22. Part 2 of Adulterated by Yodee , continues the story of a child sexually abused. Read how her mother reacts when she reveals her secret, Pg 24. In The Magic of Creativity, Mary Knight shares how she discovered creativity and how that helps her heal, Pg

36. Poke. Poke. Poke., a poem that I, Claire O’Leary, wrote during my writing circle reveals my inner cheerleader, Pg. 42.

The Building Resilience section offers new ideas in healing. Healing Ourselves & Our Communities an interview (link to listen or read the interview) with Rachel Grant by Ron Capocelli, as always is chock full of great insights as Rachel discusses her own life after abuse, Pg 44. Another new contributor Mary Knight tells her story of delayed recall and how helpful it was for her in The Path to Healing From Sexual Abuse, Pg 55.

The Resources section offers books for kids, teens and young adults and links to online resources for kids, parents, and adult survivors , Pg 61.

Share your wisdom and your stories with me at Claire@ClaireOLeary.com.

View Past Issues of Voices Heard

A reminder that the one and only printed issue (thus far) of Voices Heard is still available for purchase for only $30. It would make a lovely gift for another survivor or those associated with survivors. Check it out.

By Claire O’Leary

“

I’m always fascinated by the stories shared with us and find healing in each.

Photo by Tomo Saito

INDESTRUCTIBLE

By Brooke

“ My abuse was very overwhelming, I had years of thinking I was a burden, a problem in my own sibling’s mind because he was also mentally abusing me over his own guilt and shame.

I am picking up the left over pieces of my broken self after five years of sibling sexual abuse (SSA).

Hello I am Brooke, I am a 16-year old teen survivor of child sexual abuse suffered by my brother who is five years older than me. I want to share my thoughts on how my abuse started and ended along with where I am now in my journey of trauma healing. My abuse was very overwhelming. I had years of thinking I was a burden, a problem in my own sibling’s mind because he was also mentally abusing me over his own guilt and shame. We argued daily because I was angry, hurt and betrayed by my older brother, someone I thought I could always trust. I remember how mean he was throughout the years he was causing the harm. It seemed like just the slightest things would set him into arguing mode toward me.

The abuse caused me to sink into a deep state of depression. I could not sleep well, and I had a lot of nights knowing at any moment of my young life that my brother would prey on me again and again constantly for years. In between sixth and

seventh grade I started noticing a change in my behavior and how I presented. I noticed that I was dressing more boyish and I started letting my school grades slip. I went from being an A and B student most days to skipping assignments and not completing the homework task. This made me stressed because my parents were worried about my grades then.

For some reason I just could not bring up my grades, probably due to depression. I had taken the “Tutor Route.” I just couldn’t think straight on what I was supposed to be doing, like I was in a mental fog from all my depression and anxiety. I had thoughts I just couldn’t control. I even took counseling starting in sixth grade, I thought maybe I could open up to my counselor about my sexual abuse and that she could get me out of this nightmare my abuser was putting me through. I hoped that maybe I wouldn’t be in this mess anymore.

I felt too much shame to say my brother was sexually abusing me.

He would tell me if I ever told we would both go to jail for a long time and I would be the

cause of my family falling apart. He told me I would make mom sad and dad disgusted.

The abuse carried on five years until I finally had enough courage and told my mom on May 31st 2023 after he picked another argument over me asking my mom to watch a movie when she had returned from her doctor’s appointment.

That was the day I was set free from inner turmoil. My parents believed me, which I should have known they would.

My brother was confronted within minutes of my own disclosure. He admitted to the damage he had been causing me for a long time. My parents made sure to see that I received justice and I want to share the things I mentioned in my Victim Impact Statement. I wanted the judge to understand how bad this had impacted my life.

He needs to be held responsible for my ongoing emotional suffering. I am here to provide my statement, to share my side of the story ,and how this has impacted my life. My sexual abuse began between the ages of ten and eleven and went on until I was fifteen. I went through many years of selfdoubt, severe depression, and insecurities because of everything that happened. In that time, I had lost all hope and trust in everyone, I felt like I had no reason to live, and there was no one I could turn to about the abuse I suffered by my brother.

I want to stress the importance that this was not just sexual abuse, but a lot of mental abuse. He would say horrible things to me; that I was psycho, a retard because I was diagnosed with Autism. He also said I would be the one to go to jail for his actions and the sexual abuse he carried out on me if I ever

BROOKE’S VICTIM IMPACT STATEMENT:

I am not sure if I am ready to see the person who harmed me, my biological sibling, because that is what I consider him now, no longer a brother.

told anyone. He said that it would be my fault for the family breaking up. There were times when he bribed me with money and gifts to keep my silence. My brother exposed me to very disturbing pornographic images over the course of the abuse. My innocence was ripped from me due to his poor self-control and decisions and it was not fair. I had plans to wait until marriage, with the person of my choosing. That should have been my decision.

“ My innocence was ripped from me due to his poor self-control and decisions and it was not fair.

9

“ I finally broke my silence, telling my parents after my brother started another argument saying mean things to me.

The abuse occurred every few months. He would wait until both my parents were asleep and then call me to the basement area where his room was located to abuse me.

He started sexually abusing me after my mom picked up a second job to help with bills because my dad got injured at work and lost most of his right hand . My mom was working 55-60 hours weekly for a few years and my father slept a lot, healing from his amputation and depression.

I finally broke my silence, telling my parents after my brother started another argument, saying mean things to me.

He ended up admitting to it all and turning himself in to the police.

At least he finally admitted to his wrongs, but can I say I have forgiven him yet? No, but I am working on getting to that point because I do not want to remain angry and stressed.

He has caused me so much grief, anger, selfharm, and severe PTSD. I was hospitalized for a week after everything came out in the open due to my depression. I have been in counseling for several years. I was unsure of my own sexuality and how I identified myself because my trust was broken when it comes to men. He did not just molest me; he fully raped me 1-2 times. This should not have happened to me.

I do want to see my brother get help for his issues and have told my attorney and victim witness advocate all this. I do ask that he serves time and I know he carries three felonies and a potential max sentence of 30 years. I want him to be placed somewhere he can receive proper sex offender help and therapy services for his pornography addiction. I do not want to see anyone else hurt the way I was by him.

He needs to know I will live up to the statement of “What doesn’t break you makes you stronger.”

This has me looking into a new career field to help other victims of sexual abuse. I will become a voice and take a stand for other victims. He needs to know he did not win because I am a stronger person today as I write this impact statement. Thank you to all who have stood behind me through this battle. Without you all I would not be the person I am today.

LIFE AFTER RECEIVING JUSTICE

I am about two months out from my sibling’s sentencing and my court appearance to read my Victim Impact Statement.

I feel like I am learning to love myself again which has been missing for many years.

My parents have stood beside me throughout the entire process, and they are even helping me with raising awareness for sibling sexual abuse. We want to help lower the rates of teen suicide, help educate parents on the real dangers of the Internet, and especially pornography which my brother had become addicted to.

I have plans to finish school and then attend college for a degree in either forensics nursing for sexual assault victims or to become a licensed clinical therapist.

I want other victims to know if I was able to find my voice and disclose it to my parents, proceed with the path of getting justice through the judicial system, then you can do it too.

I know this is a very embarrassing thing for anyone to disclose at any age, but it is happening more than society likes to admit.

Let us break the chains, and silence surrounding Sibling Sexual Abuse by educating children about personal boundaries, respect towards siblings, and the dangers online because at some point most children are exposed to harmful sexually explicit materials such as pornography and need to be armed with the tools to help them make decisions to steer clear of it.

Written by a teen survivor, Brooke

“ He needs to know I will live up to the statement of “What doesn’t break you makes you stronger.”

SHATTERED

By Heather

“

I am here to say the silence must end because it is further destroying the lives of survivors along with the ones who harm

Hi, I am the proud mother to Brooke, a brave young lady who found her voice, who also recently shared her own article titled “Indestructible” about being a teen survivor of Sibling Sexual Abuse.

We are both working together to raise awareness about sexual abuse that can happen between siblings. We are sharing our stories along with our Victim Impact Statements to help other victims along with families that have decided

to take the route of criminal justice. I want to be a voice as a parent to create change in many ways, including to help lower the rates of teen suicide and increase awareness by creating conversations around this often-difficult subject. Most people find this conversation too hard to discuss and would rather stay silent due to the embarrassment and shame that is associated with it. I am here to say the silence must end because it is further destroying the lives of survivors along with the ones who harm because of the lifetime of suffering sadly.

“ As a parent you would never think that something like this could happen in your own home, that you shouldn’t have to worry about the dangers of family members especially their own sibling

DISCLOSURE AND THE DAYS AFTERWARD

When my fifteen-year-old daughter disclosed on May 31st, 2023, about what had been happening to her, I felt my heart shatter into a thousand pieces.

I had no idea, as a mother, I had horrible remorse for missing the signs. How does one ever begin to forgive yourself when your main mission as a parent is to protect your children at all costs. I do not know if I will ever be able to get past the anger I have at myself, but I continue to work on self-forgiveness daily. As a parent, you have hopes to see your children grow up close as siblings, that they will create one of the strongest bonds in a family while transitioning into adulthood. I knew in the moment of disclosure our lives would be changed forever. After my daughter shared the details of the abuse, I had to do whatever was needed to protect her moving forward.

You never envision yourself on a journey of something this gut-wrenching, I knew my daughter needed justice and my son, twenty-one at the time, wanted to make sure she received it after he admitted to everything

This was the day I had to find the courage to advocate for my children in vastly different ways, including writing a Victim Impact Statement to speak about the crimes that were carried out against the victim but also acknowledging my son needed help for his addiction issues within six months.

My son admitted to being in a dark place from viewing years of sexually explicit material online from a young age which led him on a path of destruction.

As a parent you would never think that something like this could happen in your own home, that you shouldn’t have to worry about the dangers of family members, especially their own sibling, but sadly we are living in a much different world and our children have way too much access to the Internet now days which had always worried me. I always felt, as parents, we had a good set of rules for our son when it came to technology, specifically his cell phone, and video games with time limits, and parental controls. I tried to check his browsing history weekly but now I accept it was not enough as he still found ways

around it all. We are raising our children in a time when it takes both parents working and some of us are working multiple jobs. Life is busier for families than it has ever been, but we also must do our diligence in guiding our children with Internet safety. We must also educate our children on the fact that they will encounter sexually explicit material online at some point and how they should navigate these situations while keeping the conversations age appropriate.

Parents need to be more open with conversations when it comes to sexuality and answering those tough questions. I was one of those conservative parents who dreaded those talks and wanted to rush through it, discussing the bare minimum. We need to be more proactive with properly educating our children, so they do not turn to the Internet for searches on sexual education that leads them down a dangerous path. How many parents can say they honestly closely monitor their teens’ phones, searching their history and using the proper parental controls? We all know children can be very sneaky and obsessive compulsive over their phones and other electronics. The access children have right at their fingertips to access pornography seems to be a contributing factor to the increased incidents of SSA and other forms of CSA being reported. Studies show that most adolescents will have viewed some form of pornography by the age of twelve-thirteen if not even younger due to influences such as peers, and normal adolescent curiosity which can lead them down a very destructive road like it did for my son.

I remember in the hours after disclosure desperately searching the web trying to figure how this could have happened and came across interviews on YouTube with a licensed therapist by the name of Brad Watts who was working with teen offenders in a treatment center. I also learned of his book Sibling Sex Abuse: A guide for Confronting America’s Silent Epidemic. I immediately downloaded his book and completed it within less than a week. I called my son to ask questions about many of the things mentioned in the book. I asked him if someone ever abused him inside or outside of our home, he immediately said, “mom, I

promise I have never been sexually abused that I remember.”

From that point on I continued to bring up my concerns over how frequently he seemed angry toward his sibling and how they argued daily for several years. He would say awful things to her at moments.

I remember reading in the book that emotional abuse is highly associated with sexual abuse happening due to the offending child having guilt as Brad Watts mentioned. I also remember coming across a portion of the book discussing the concerns over child access to pornography as a major contributing factor to the increased incidents of sex offending in adolescents. That was when I knew what may have caused my son to conduct the abuse. My next question to my son was regarding my concerns that he had a pornography addiction. At first, he tried to deny it but when I mentioned the fact that none of this made sense since he was telling us that he had not been harmed by anyone, that there had to be a contributing factor. He eventually admitted that he was addicted, and during that same conversation, had been viewing it since the age of eleven.

This was also in the moments before he turned himself in to our local police department. At the time right after disclosure, he had been staying with family in a nearby town. I ended up calling him that morning to ask if he was ready to talk further and turn himself over to the police. He was, so we met at a local restaurant. I had a chance to find out about the pornography addiction severity, told my son I was going to be there to support him through all this and that I would go to the police station with him. He was crying hysterically and kept apologizing to me, I was also in tears through all of this. I was hurting for my son that he was too embarrassed to ever tell me he had urges against his sister and had become addicted to pornography in the first place. I remember telling him all I wanted was to get him help but that since he

“ I know this is a very personal decision for each family in how they decide to proceed after disclosure.

“

The past crimes that were committed against her have destroyed her trust in everyone, which is very disheartening.

and his sister had both reported this crime to us that we had an obligation to report it to the police. We went to the police station; my son provided his statement telling them everything he had already told us. I also had to provide a statement. The investigating officer along with CPS decided against detaining him that day. He was advised by the investigator that the investigation would take a few weeks and to expect his arrest within 2-3 weeks.

We both left there knowing what lay ahead. It was an exceedingly long road to recovery for himself and making sure his sibling received justice and would be able to begin her recovery.

I wrote my Victim Impact Statement to reflect on the pain I felt knowing that my daughter’s innocence was taken I voiced concern about how my son would have to face the lifelong impacts of his decisions. This happened during a time after my husband was hurt at work, resulting in a major amputation of his hand. I had to pick up a second job for a few years to help with

finances which my daughter discussed in her statement. My son would wait to carry out the sexual abuse until everyone was asleep as this seems to be the case in many of these unfortunate harmful events.

I know this is a very personal decision for each family in how they decide to proceed after disclosure. For some families, it may be therapy and a treatment center for the offending child. For our family, justice was the route we decided to pursue, and my daughter is in a place of healing now due to having the chance to be heard during her sibling’s sentencing. Please read on to see how I supported both children in my Victim Impact Statement.

HEATHER’S IMPACT STATEMENT

I have written this impact statement to bring forth a different view as the parent of a victim and offender of sibling sexual abuse.

As a mother, to see the victim, my daughter, most days battling through feelings of worthlessness, depression, and thoughts of self-harm has been unbearable.

The past crimes that were committed against her have destroyed her trust in everyone, which is very disheartening. She went through many years of questioning her own sexuality and how she identified, due to these heinous acts that occurred over a 5-year period. She now realizes that the abuse caused her confusion. Her school grades suffered, she attempted to run away to escape her abuser, my son, one night. There were many nights she dealt with insomnia due to her worries of the abuse that could happen after her parents fell asleep. She has been hospitalized twice within a 3.5-year period due to depression, suicidal ideation, PTSD, and other diagnoses from the impacts of the offender’s sexual and mental abuse.

I lost my loving daughter through it all, a girl with the biggest heart ever. She was a completely innocent 11-year-old “child” when my son decided to start grooming and using coercion to commit these crimes against her. When you raise your children, you have hopes that your son will always offer a normal sibling relationship and protection for that younger child. My son destroyed our family bond, broke our family apart, and caused what has felt like a death of both of my children, in some ways. My daughter will never be the same person she was no matter how hard she emotionally pushes to get back to that place. My son will have to deal with the consequences of his poor decisions for the rest of his life too and continue to battle depression himself.

What hurt me most was the fact he knew she had been diagnosed with adhd and high functioning autism and he saw this as an opportunity to abuse her in the first place with hopes she would not tell anyone what had happened to her because he knew she always adored him.

My daughter had always sought out her brother’s attention from a young age but eventually came to the realization that he was only hurting her. I never as a parent thought I would have to encounter something so

heart wrenching as this disclosure. What happened to the victim was premeditated and my daughter will unfortunately have to deal with the life-long psychological impacts from this abuse.

With all this being said I do, however, feel that the offender, my son, does deserve advocacy from his mother also, in hopes that a portion of his sentence could include some time at a facility that specifically includes treatment for sex offenders and addiction issues such as pornography. I would like to see the offender receive an extensive and aggressive treatment program for sexual offenders with hopes that he would never re offend again. My son has acknowledged that he had developed a severe addiction to viewing pornography for many years and eventually carried out those acts against the victim. I do feel the offender does need to serve time for the lifetime damage that my daughter, the victim in this case, will have to endure.

I will continue to help her find herself again and to come away from this stronger.

I am also hopeful my son will be able to recover from his addiction and move forward in life; to come away from this stronger one day without any urges to ever hurt another.

Unfortunately, we are living in a time when sibling sexual abuse is increasing, with the statistics showing that 1 in 25 children are being affected now.

Our world needs change for teen accessibility to the dark web and Internet in general.

I hope to help bring forth change to keep other families from this pain. I have decided to move forward in advocacy work to help others and one day hope that all the members of my immediate family can stand behind this movement for change.

“

I lost my loving daughter through it all, a girl with the biggest heart ever. She was a completely innocent 11-year-old “child” when my son decided to start grooming and using coercion to commit these crimes against her.

MOVING AHEAD ON OUR PATH TO TRAUMA HEALING

It has been about two months since the sentence happened. We are finally transitioning to a phase of calm, no more feelings of fight or flight mode that we felt for the last ten months with the court proceedings.

My daughter received the justice she needed to begin healing from her trauma for which I am beyond relieved. I can see how she is working to find herself and this is such a wonderful feeling as a mother. We have shared many tears together as a family and are discussing how this impacted my spouse and I also during therapy sessions. My family is still figuring out our new normal after all this has happened. I do not want other families to feel alone through the disclosure process, coming to terms with what has been discovered and the legal processes if a family decides to pursue that route. For a family, especially the parents trying to find a way to support the victim and offending child is something no parent should ever have to encounter. This is something that can shatter you to the core, making you question how you will ever recover but I want you to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

There are days I read research regarding the rates of recidivism in youth being extremely low and I question things with the way these cases are managed by our judicial systems. I feel change needs to happen in the way these cases are approached and the outcomes especially when the offending begins in adolescent years. Yes, a child knows right from wrong, and my son knows what he did was wrong.

As parents we also must acknowledge the dangers of the Internet and how the pornography industry is grooming our youth. Please conduct your own research on causes working to raise awareness such as the Exodus Cry Movement who are implementing new laws when it comes to youth accessibility for pornography with proof of age verification. I have also read on what other countries such as Australia are doing, and it gives me hope that North America along with other countries will follow suit at some point to see if this could be a medical treatment versus criminal charge in certain cases and possibly even allow reunification if the victim and family decide this is a route they are open to discussing. I am not saying this should be the process for all cases but with time and enough studies shedding light on certain contributing factors maybe this will help to have these cases evaluated and tried differently.

Most importantly please remember your family and children need you no matter how difficult things are at the moment. Things will be different moving forward, you will have to feel out building new relationships with each of these children. Holidays will be incredibly difficult, especially with the changes, but you will find a way to push through and create new memories. I want you to remember to first and most importantly to believe the victim. You should also know the offending child is dealing with conflicting emotions and needs support through all of this. I want you to remember to be kind to your spouse or the other parent involved as they are also processing this devastating disclosure. Take time to care for yourself through all this, find a qualified therapist who is comfortable with getting uncomfortable with these hard to discuss topics and willing to listen without judgment.

Parents must continue to be there for our children through this very turbulent time. Without our support they will not be able to start the road to healing.

I am just beginning my journey in raising awareness as a parent because I do not want to see other families impacted in such a way. To see the pain my daughter will struggle with for the rest of her life hurts so much and I would give anything to take it all away. My son is hurting too for the damage he now knows he caused her along with our entire family. My son admits that pornography destroyed him to the point that he almost ended his own life one night. I remember the moment he told me about this information in the hours before his arrest. He wanted to pray together to ask God to please forgive him for his sins and he kept telling me he did not feel worthy of forgiveness no matter how much I reassured him that God was forgiving.

When you have a lived through a real-life nightmare such as this it becomes your driving force to fight for change and I will not stop until we are saving lives no matter the age, my daughter and I will continue to do our part to create change in the world along with conversations surrounding SSA.

I ask that if you read this article to also consider following these: ORGANIZATIONS AND WEBSITES FOR ADDITIONAL INFORMATION. 5Waves Organization

Jane Epstein, TEDx speaker and author of I Feel Real Guilty The Nancy Morris website for the SiblingsTooProject and podcast Exodus Cry

How to defend your children against pornography books and educational tools Defend Young Minds

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Heather is a mother to two children as mentioned above who she loves equally. She works in the healthcare industry as an insurance specialist/ medical biller. In her time outside of work she likes to spend time with her family and dogs hiking. She also enjoys taking time to journal, meditate, and work out several days a week. She enjoys doing any type of artistic activity such as painting and acrylic pour sessions. She is a survivor of child sex abuse herself that happened by friend’s family member. She plans to continue to support her daughter in her journey to raising awareness of SSA.

WHAT I HAVEN’T SAID

So many things I haven’t said. No. Stop. No. Don’t. Won’t. Can’t. Those are the words I have said, and no one listened. No one heard.

What I haven’t said is what came after each time I wasn’t heard.

I feel the chains of oppression settle in on my shoulders. They weigh down my arms and hands so I cannot lift a pen to voice these truths.

I feel the sucker punch of shame in my gut that robs me of breath to speak out loud.

My oppressors. My suppressors. My abusers. My family. Their voices clamour in the background ALL THE TIME. Shut up. Be quiet. Don’t tell. Don’t lie. Don’t tell the truth. Pretend, always pretend.

And I pick up my pen anyway, but what comes out is fiction because I cannot lie but I cannot tell the truth. My tongue is shackled.

What would I say if the world was ready to listen?

The thought of that fills me with fear, it creeps into every part of my existence. It threatens to smother me with the aftermath of recriminations that would follow if my words were heard, loud and strong. Even if “they” don’t silence me, I will.

By Bonnie Ellen

I am not front and center of a world audience, though. That really isn’t where I want to be.

But I would like to stop hiding at least when I am in my own backyard. What would I say there?

Where there are friends and supporters who are more likely to listen, who might not change who they are with me when they hear my truth. I don’t take any chances though. These friends are dear to me, I won’t risk that look of panic as their eyes dart to the side, as they frantically try to escape the truth they missed, the reason they — we — felt a connection, the knowledge that we share more than a love of quilting.

Our truth is this: We are women. Chances are very high that we could share stories of abuse, of violence, of verbal threats and insults, of rape, of denial, of abandonment, of shame, of power held over us.

But these are not easy stories to share and we hesitate to bring them out into this safe space of crisp, colorful fabrics and soft batting. No need to allow that darkness to seep into our cotton fibers. We are here instead to comfort and accept each other without “those” words.

Deep inside we all know that our beautiful quilts will stand in our place to soak up the silent tears of another woman, or another child, who screams their words into the safety of the silence.

No. Stop. Don’t. Can’t. Won’t.

Still the words I haven’t said haunt my days and nights.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Bonnie Ellen is a retired virtual assistant, a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, a writer, and a quilter. Writing and quilting have been lifesaving creative endeavours throughout her healing journey. She occasionally posts her insights and learnings on her blog

A MOTHER’S GREATEST NIGHTMARE

By Sheryl

“ My heart was bleeding. My tears were flowing.

I remember it well. My daughter was five years old. She celebrates her official birthday in the summer so her kindergarten teacher allowed children to select a special day during the school year to celebrate with a treat to share.

It was Sunday night, just after my sweet, innocent daughter came home from a visit with her father. I was baking cupcakes and we were going to decorate them for the unbirthday celebration the next day.

My little one wandered into the kitchen and spoke words that still send chills throughout my body thirty plus years later. “Mom, no one can touch me in my private parts unless you give them permission, right?”  I stuttered, “That’s right.” My mind raced faster and faster. Instead of decorating cupcakes together, she went in to bed. I followed; gathered her in my arms, held her close, and took a deep breath. I plunged head first into the question burning inside

my heart, “Honey, can you tell me what happened ?” She very clearly recounted that her cousins (who were ages 7 and 9) “touched” her in her vagina (I’ve always used the proper terms for body parts with her.). She went into great detail, describing the incident. After I reassured her that I would always love her and protect her, I held her until she fell asleep.

My heart was bleeding. My tears were flowing. I called her father, and he vehemently denied that she had been alone with these boys.

I called a dear friend of mine who does counseling with children and she agreed to see her the next day. Daylight crept into our life, but the storm was real. She went to school, was very withdrawn, not engaging in any activity, including handing out her special treats. After seeing a special woman, it was confirmed that the hell of abuse had happened. Together, my dear counselor friend and I reported this to the Department of Children and Family Services.

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An investigator came and spoke with my daughter without me present. My very bright, articulate daughter spoke her truth.

Charges were filed. I secured an attorney who could help me protect my sweet daughter.  My daughter spoke her truth to the attorney, and eventually to a judge.

Counseling helped her. Love and support helped her. A court order helped her.

Her father persisted in denying the abuse while on his watch. But, she was strong and managed to keep above it. My mama bear instinct has been on high alert always. Protect the innocent.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Sheryl was a Counselor, working with a variety of adult college students before her retirement. She specialized in working with women’s issues and career development. She has one beautiful daughter who has navigated life with grace. Early intervention, a trusted counselor, gifted with the ability to work with children, a loving family and a good attorney provided her daughter with a safe and healthy environment.

“ After I reassured her that I would always love her and protect her, I held her until she fell asleep.

ADULTERATED AN EXCERPT

PART TWO & THREE

By Yoddee

INTRODUCTION

This is a mini-memoir: a recollection about the worse night of my young life! A crime that changed my character drastically from what it was.

“

Cousin Mae was loaded with wisdom and anecdotes!

This is parts two and three of “Adulterated.” If you missed it, part one is in the “ Winter 24 Issue of Voices Heard.”

‘Told in the vernacular.’

CAUTION: This story may be triggering. Use discretion in reading and take care of yourself. Seek professional assistance if needed.

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TWO: MAE MIGRATES TO THE BIG APPLE!

You ever read the book “The Warmth of Other Suns? ” No? It’s great! Compellingly great! It’s stories from peoples’ migration-history from the south (in America) to the north (in America); well, what we were told was/is the trajectory between south and north— something Jane Elliott said in a video just came to mind, pardon me. I digress.

My mom’s paternal side hail from Belize and Honduras. But her mom’s side, they hail from Florida—different parts. ‘Parts where we used to visit during some summers—cool memories.

Cousin Mae is my mom’s cousin. Okay, recalculating: my grandmother’s cousin. Pardon my math: does that make her my third-cousin? I think so. Third or fourth, I knew to honor her! I was raised in an era where you respect your elders, especially elder- elders! So, she garnered the similar reverence we gave our grandma. By this time, my maternal grand-mom passed-away, so I was really fascinated to be around people in her age-group. I saw them as a generational extension of granny. I felt like I got to better know my grandma via her contemporaries— family or friends.

Cousin Mae was loaded with wisdom and anecdotes! I could sit near the hem of her dress as she did my hair, and listen to her stories for hours. I was tender headed, yet felt no pain or discomfort when she braided my very thick long hair! Fascinating woman indeed!

Some feared her! Mythology was attached to her name, urban legends. Some called her eccentric, others called her plain crazy!

I called her a welcomed house guest. Why? Mommy’s husband seemed to steer clear of Cousin Mae!

Which meant he was rarely home. Good! She really cared for mommy during mommy’s latter pregnancy stages, too. She’s the main

reason I know how one should conduct themselves when staying in someone’s home.

Hold on…I’m skipping paragraphs…

When mommy announced she was picking her up from the Port Authority (bus station) and did I want to tag along—I was stoked! Of course, I wanted to go! I often wanted to go with my mommy out the door—before her husband violated me. After he did, I didn’t like staying home alone anymore! ‘For he could enter the door at any minute. I avoided that apartment as much as I could when my mother wasn’t in it.

Once we spotted Cousin Mae, mommy called out to her!

She walked up and embraced us!

‘Despite my being all-smiles, her smiles changed to a frown… grimace. She bent down to my height to ask “Baby, what happened to you?” She was serious!

Mommy answered for me “She’s okay. She’s not too fond of food, so she’s a little on the skinny side.”

“She was skinny in Florida. She’s been skinny. Something else looks off.” Cousin Mae assessed.

“It could be the heat! Summers in New York can swelter! A different type of heat than Florida’s…” Mommy explained. Then also shared “We just had a Blackout. Did y’all hear about it down south?” Mommy asked.

My stomach sank… she knew! She knew what he did to me! But how did she know, and my mom didn’t?

At this age, I’m too young to know about auras and energy, things of a metaphysical nature.

But Cousin Mae wasn’t too young to know— she likely knew when she was young too! Wise children grow up to be Wiser Adults.

“ I called her a welcomed house guest. Why? Mommy’s husband seemed to steer clear of Cousin Mae!

“

Despite my being all-smiles, her smiles changed to a frown… grimace. She bent down to my height to ask “Baby, what happened to you?” She was serious!

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Yes, some referred to her as a Psychic! Seer! Florida seemed to have Plenty of Those !

As we walked east to Madison Avenue to catch the bus back uptown, Cousin Mae would steal peeks at me—liken to reading my energy, or something.

On the bus-ride, she stole more gazes… mommy was mostly chatter—giving her leads about jobs, Spanish Harlem’s culture, all she felt she needed to know about New York City to start her new life in The Big Apple

Back ‘n tha’ day, it was very common for some family from the south to migrate to the north, to stay with family for a spell, till they got on their fiscal feet—to find their own place. Mommy was big on letting people live with us for a while. It warmed her heart to be able to help people. Furthermore, again, this was common in her day—taking in relatives, or boarders that were in need of a place to stay.

Ma has been called selfless more times than I care to count. This selflessness seemed to have won her admirers as well as abusers, though. Per my observations.

I digress.

BACK TO THE TAINTED INDEX:

Jeanie was my first friend—the first one to give me clear insight as to what a true friend truly is! At eight-years-old I couldn’t articulate it, but I certainly felt it, knew it . Sure, there’s other little girls in the Projects, in tha’ Hood, that you jumped rope with, hopscotch, freeze-tag, roller-skate with, etcetera, when you went outside to play; but someone you talk to on the phone daily, sometimes thrice-a-day, do homework with at each other’s homes, make snacks, treats together. It felt different—in a good way. My mom sold Avon to her mom, so even those two held a cool rapport. When I told Jeanie that I went to Central Park to read and explore—alone, she didn’t find that weird, like some other kids did. Yep, I knew Jeanie was special for sure. But on this day…this day… I knew she was really special, may be the ‘S’ in ESP!

J. ‘Cousin-Mae’ed ’ me! Asking repeatedly “Are you sure you’re, okay? You seem differen t.”

I just nodded yes, repeatedly!

I thought showers could scrub away the Taint step-daddy administered!

I suppose not!

I never understood being called a troublemaker, when reporting the trouble. The term troublemaker denotes actually Making-the-Trouble from the get-go! According to math, and the level of deducing I carried. I didn’t want to make waves. This was my mom’s second husband and her third-baby-daddy. I didn’t want her to feel that she had failed again at trying to create a family for herself. Plus, I overheard some of her phone conversations, so I knew he helped out with paying bills; again, I didn’t want to disturb that. Oh, yes, a wish came true for me at that time: I wanted a baby brother, and mommy indeed had a boy. So cute, so chubby, so brown! He brought joy into that project-apartment for sure! Jeanie also thought he was the cutest little bundle of chocolate joy she ever saw! ��

I thought I would shun him due to who his father is, but I didn’t. Thank God. Too precious to even align him to a CM. That’s what/how we’ll refer to my mom’s second husband from here on out.

‘Even some other kids reacted differently to me post CM’s handy work [no pun]! Boys were now coming up to me… ‘Being physical ! Unprovoked!

I didn’t understand the why of the sudden man/boy-handling?! ‘What they wanted ??!

‘Keep in mind, I’m still very quiet. I was only vocal with Jeanie. Thus, I offered these annoying boys no conversation to steer them my way; I didn’t even send any coy gazes their way. My mom or Charlene (my brother’s girlfriend; and our new babybrother’s babysitter’s daughter) did my hair the same way, clothing/outfits didn’t alter much. In short, I didn’t look different in school to net different looks/reactions from the boys.

Again, this sudden unwanted attention was unprovoked! ☹

A school-crossing guard told me, as she crossed us across Madison Avenue, “Baby,

that means he likes you.

I murmured “He sure has a strange way of showing it.”

“Boys don’t mature as fast as we do.” The school-crossing guard lent clarity-in-wisdom.

I wanted to respond to that with “Does that include males in their thirties?” The age range of CM

But I resisted uttering such. Why? I believed mom sold Avon to this school-crossingguard too.

Life happenings makes one speak !

It was during this time the third-grade teacher and I would go back and forth! She seemed to only find my candy in my desk, admonishing me for eating in her class, or even having candy in my possession!

‘Like it was some sort of contraband, or something! But other kids had their candy in class, and enjoyed it like I did. Why was I being singled-out?

I had-to speak up for myself, there.

But when she’d ask which kids had the candy?

‘Being from tha’ Hood you know you can’t answer that! Tattling and snitchin ’, a no-no!

So, I’d fall back into my then-comfort-zone: silence.

So, I told her that she eats cough-drops in class, and Luden’s cherry cough-drops had just about as much sugar content as my candy did! I suggested she look up the ingredients. I really wasn’t trying to sass her, I really thought I was being scientifically fair. Trying to import some reason-in-balance. Uh…I think I created my first female enemy with that lady/teacher—by suggesting such

She gave me a death-glare! Pursing her lips, citing “Cough drops are consumed to suppress a cough so I can teach in peace. Candy is

“ Even some other kids reacted differently to me post CM’s handy work [no pun]! Boys were now coming up to me… Being physical! Unprovoked!

“

Same fifth-grade teacher then told me “I think everyone should write about themselves, write their memoir. Cause when others write about you, it’s rarely anything you’d recognize in yourself”.

consumed for what reason? ” She stated then asked a question, sarcastically.

“So, I can think in peace,” I softly answered.

She sent me and my candy to the principal’s office. Oddly, where I was allowed to eat it in thinking peace, while I did the work (in the folder) she handed to me upon my exit.

Sidenote : A fifth-grade teacher showed me what she wrote about me in an I.E.P./File… I couldn’t believe how she, an adult , wrote about a child! She embellished too. Horrible! #CandyBeef??

Who takes umbrage with a quiet child?

When I became chatty, seemed like teachers, kids, took umbrage with that too!

Huh?

‘Same fifth-grade teacher then told me “I think everyone should write about themselves, write their memoir. Cause when others write about you, it’s rarely anything you’d recognize in yourself.”

This is one of the biggest things in life I am so grateful for—my fifth-grade teacher. She didn’t see me like the third-grade teacher did; she saw me as I saw me. I luv her! Yes,

we ate candy in her class. “Just don’t make a mess,” was her command! And yes, she taught about the sugar-rush, what that does!

I digress.

Back to Spanish Harlem , I had to skip to Queens, for a minute there.

Jeanie and me used-to love to recap TV episodes of Charlie’s Angels!

One school-day in the back stairwell, when we were doing that, she told me to stand-up, let’s do their moves!

We began simulating the Angels’ fighting stances, fighting kicks, their moves!

It was fun! ��

Fun, until…we heard oncoming sounds! The sounds of boys! Boys with vigor!

It had been rumored that there were some unruly boys forcing girls to play Run, Catch and Kiss! Or worse: Run, Catch and Freak ! The Freak portion usually included dry-humping, and feels… exploring bodies. Which totally confused me: how could a skinny hip-less, booty-less, flat-chested girl, be appealing to males? Again, Harlem was full of lovely shapely women! What “I” looked like then

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shouldn’t have been on no male’s radar!

One thing’s for certain, two things for sure: I wasn’t a physical being— touch wasn’t a comfort-zone for me.

‘Even certain hugs made me reflexively recoil! When mom taught me about giving people personal space, one of the easiest lessons I picked up the quickest!

I’m naturally reserved. Friendly, yet distant. Thus, it’s rare I’d offer any male nearness for him to assume physicality with me is desired, okay.

When the girls in the yard ‘ll yell “RUN !!” ‘Cause boys were running up on us for a forced game of Run Catch and Kiss!

I’d take off yelling “Nigga, you catch me it’ll be Run, Catch and Kick !”

Was that a deterrent?

No !

I learned early, that males tend to like a challenge!

Chile, I was running like Forest Gump! Sometimes I ran all the way to my building, home! That was an early day for me. Not all

half-days were sanctioned by The Board of Education for Nan!

At our kitchen-table, enjoying milk and cookies while doing homework, or simply reading, I’d think about my life—ALL that has happened to date! Only got to the planet eight years ago, and so much to contend with, already! Seemed so unfair. ☹

I wondered if the kids that seemed OK with physicality, were they too Tampered with? Adulterated?

I ruminated about another time when a halfday was scheduled by someone other than The Board of Education, my mom. She planned to take me to a matinee` to see The Wiz on Broadway with Ms. Stephanie Mills. Whom I loved! I was seven, in the second grade then, in another public school, on the West side. Mommy was known for being a womanof-her-word. So, when she didn’t show up to my class (when she said she would) to pick me up, I worried something bad happened to her. But when she showed up at the end of the school day in the threshold of my classroom flanked by one of her halfsisters, I knew something bad happened to me ! Devalued!

“ I wondered if the kids that seemed OK with physicality, were they too Tampered with? Adulterated?

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“

Then why does your body think you eighteen? Who tampered with you to trick your cells into speeding up its aging process readying the body for childbirth?

I knew she allowed her sister to intercept my show ticket. For some reason that hurt a lot worse than any hurts any male rendered! I supposed ‘cause I loved and liked my mom so much! I saw her as a goddess! And I saw her as doing no wrong—so when flaws were shown, I was shocked! Yes, I put my mom on a pedestal! She was as beautiful and soft as lovely flower petals, so why not. More details on this in another tome. ‘Just wanted to import the first time I really felt devalued At five-years-old with [those older males]… I felt scared, confused , but not quite devalued ! I saw [them] as demented for preying on a child—such sick logic won’t allow me to feel devalued…at first

I really thought getting baptized would clean away all mal-feelings…better my life. It didn’t.

I normally liked being home alone, I could eat what I want, do my homework, dance, do cartwheels throughout the apartment, watch TV in peace, talk on the phone to Jeanie for however long without someone saying they needed to use the phone—get off of it. I pretended it was my own pad. When I felt a faint inner-dread, I sensed CM was coming home. I’d leave and run

downstairs to Charlene’s, stay there, till my mom or Cousin Mae returned.

On this day, I felt no dreadful warning, so I remained in our place. Then I felt… felt someone tugging at my locked sleeping-bag as I slept! ‘Well, was sleeping. ‘Said tugging woke me up!

I feigned sleeping.

It was him, CM!

He was attempting to unlock my lock? To re-do/repeat his Misdeed??

Fear, creepy-dread filled my tiny frame!

I began silently praying to God!!!

He left my room.

I was terrified!

Where was mom? Where was Cousin Mae?

Other adults that didn’t fear him!

That next day as I exited the restroom, Cousin Mae entered it.

She yelled for me to return to the restroom!

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How she yelled I wondered if I forget to flush… but I remembered flushing and washing my hands—I made a number one, not a number two. What could it be?

‘With trepidation, I slowly walked back there…

She motioned me to look downward, in the toilet… the water was clear but a portion of my used tissue looked like it resurfaced despite being flushed— the tissue wore faint red stain. “Evidence-in-truth needs to rise to the surface by any means necessary!” Is what Cousin Mae voiced in a stern authoritative tone!

“How old are you, child? ” She asked me in a knowing tone.

“Eight,” I voiced in a low fearful tone.

“Then why does your body think you eighteen? Who tampered with you to trick your cells into speeding up its aging process—readying the body for childbirth?”

I stood stark silent, scared!

“I’ll kill that muthafucka!!! ” She yelled! “I knew It! I knew it! That bitchnigga been avoiding me !” She yelled some more, angry!

And began speaking in a different language! Not quite the Tongues you hear in church, but some other Scarier Lingo!

“Go wait for me in the kitchen! ” She ordered!

I followed orders…

Once she joined me in the kitchen, she began slamming pots around! She left the kitchen…returned with what looked like large leaves (herbs) and boiled them! She set a kitchen-timer… then began praying over the boiling pot, also in a different language, yet this time, she sounded a lot calmer—but still very serious!

I sat to the table in utter awe! Scared-out-ofmy-wits!

Once the kitchen timer went off, she cut off the flame.

‘Strained, poured me a cup of the mysterious libation, sat the cup before me. “Here, sip, the first sip should be as hot as you can stand it! The rest of the sips you can enjoy cooled.”

I did as I was told… enjoy? It tasted horrible! I nearly spat it out!

“Where did he violate you? ” She demanded to know!

I pointed to the back bedroom, the mastersuite.

“Talk, child, talk! ” Cousin Mae demanded!

I spoke “mommy’s room.” I answered softly.

“I gotta work back there,” she took off to do exactly that!

While still in the kitchen trying to finish that horrific bitter tea… I could hear her angry mumbles… something about getting to her locker to get some more supplies and get Brute and Bruce.

My tummy sank… I thought Brute and Bruce were folklore, myths!

It was rumored she lived-with, traveled with two big cobras! Snakes!!

In Port Authority, we did see her near the lockers… where one could pay to keep one as storage.

I could hear loud-sounds coming from the room (her) back there! As if Possessed!

I knew to stay put in the kitchen!

I wondered what would happen if my mom or him were to turn their key…

I knew Cousin Mae didn’t seem to be scared of either of them—of anyone, really!

She’d likely continue whatever she was doing in their Face !

“ My heart sank… I really liked having Cousin Mae around she cared about my thoughts, who I was as a person.

“ She continued “And what I did back there should stop him from violating another child! Ole dirty-dickpervert! If it doesn’t Brute and Bruce will!”

I continued to sip in sorrow… I found holding my nose to finish the awful libation helped.

Cousin Mae was back in the kitchen. She looked in my teacup “Good. Do you want another cup?”

I shook my head “No,” sharply!

She smiled that warm gap-tooth smile “Oh, it tastes that bad, huh? ” She then giggled, & added “As you get older, get used to drinking herbal teas—they can save your life! Acclimate a taste for them.”

I returned a warm smile, then softly offered a timid “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, Chile. Your height, weight, one cup should do it. It should stop your period from trying to come down prematurely again. Cells, corrected! ”

She gave the red blush on the tissue in the toilet water a name: Period

She continued “And what I did back there should stop him from violating another child! Ole dirty-dick-pervert! If it doesn’t Brute and Bruce will !”

As she talked more on her beloved pets… I realized “Brute” is female. Those names, I assumed they both were male.

She then explained the yin/yang symbol how balance in male-female principles is vital for the purposes she needed to carry out.

Cousin Mae strained the balance of that strong libation in mason jars. She handed me one and prescribed “When outside find a tree you like, ask for its participation… if it agrees, adopt it, name it, and pour this libation on it Spend at least seven loving minutes with it, walk away from it, backwards, at least seven paces.”

I nodded okay, then ask “How will I know for sure if a tree granted me its participation? ”

“Good question. I knew I like you for a reason. Take a coin, let it touch the tree on both of its sides, ask the question. Flip the coin in the air, study it… so you’ll know where it falls on the ground. Heads , yes, tails , no. If it’s no, don’t give up, find another tree, ‘til you find one that’s willing to participate in this therapy with you.”

It sounded like fun.

Soon as I wondered if Jeanie would want to come with me for this exercise…

Cousin Mae added to the prescription “Go alone.”

That next day, when I got in from school, excited to see Cousin Mae, tell her I did what she told me to do.

I didn’t see her, I saw mommy. Mommy looked dismayed.

“Hi Ma,” I said.

“Hi Nandi,” she responded.

“Where’s Cousin Mae? ” I asked casually.

“Likely, on her way back to Florida,” mommy answered casually.

My heart sank… I really liked having Cousin Mae around—she cared about my thoughts, who I was as a person. And again, I really loved her stories, things she shared with me.

Mommy continued “I took her to the Port Authority this morning.”

“But I thought she wanted to relocate to New York,” I queried?

“She can, she just can’t stay here.” Mommy said flatly.

Again, this is the 1970s, when many kids didn’t question adults too tough.

I left the matter alone, went in my room to cry while doing homework. Who would rescue me now?

Later I would hear mommy on the phone… I suppose adults can question other adults just fine.

Mommy mentioned something along the lines of the horrors of finding snakes in her bed!

Huh??

Mommy didn’t laugh, nor did her gal-pal over the phone! It was a very serious-sounding conversation!

I was shocked!

With Cousin Mae as a house-guest, we saw less and less of mom’s second-husband.

Her gone, will we see more of him in the house?

I sulked!

I suddenly felt the urge to runaway to Port Authority and take a bus to Florida!

With a five-dollar-a-week allowance, I’d have to save up for a while to be able to pay for the bus-fare—were my subsequent thoughts…

Cousin Mae told me that the ill-practice of child-molestation began on the slave-plantations, which to my young mind, I assumed were only in the south. So, that stopped those runaway dreams to The Sunshine State aspirations!

I just didn’t want to live in the same house with CM anymore, if I ever did! Not my desire at all!

I wondered if Cousin Mae told mommy? ‘Told her what her second husband did to me

But none of mommy’s subsequent actions led me to believe she had.

Later on, mommy and I watched a repeat episode of Good Times where Willona’s

ex-husband Ray returned to get back in her good graces. Yet, he was a pervert, one that made a pass at Thelma ! ‘Each time we seen this episode (before I was violated), we were horrified! The horror didn’t seem to wane via episodic reruns, there. As we watched… mommy would repeat “No sane grown man would prey on a minor, or anyone that’s clearly significant younger than him. Yes, Thelma is a lovely young lady, but she’s still young enough to be his daughter! Shame on him !” Mom was visibly disgusted!

Then there’s a scene where Ms. Florida Evans (the mom) stopped to look at her daughter, Thelma… knowing something was amiss! Ms. Florida asked Thelma was something the matter? At first, Thelma responded no.

Yet, Ms. Florida intuitively knew that no was a weary-no, and likely not true.

‘Sitting beside my mom on the sofa, I began to stare at her as she stared at the television.

Mommy kept repeating “A mother knows… a mother knows…”

Then I thought about the well-worn term Mother knows best

I felt sick with depression all over again… ☹

Once that episode went off, I found the courage to ask my mom had [that] ever happened to her?

“ I suddenly felt the urge to runaway to Port Authority and take a bus to Florida! 33

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She answered me.

Mommy then studied my small facial expression and softly asked “You? ”

I nodded yes.

Mommy’s eyes well-up with water…

I told her everything…

“

I lay in bed shocked that he was lying that comfortably albeit yelling-passion laced those lies!

THREE: HIT THA ROAD, JACK!

‘Heard yelling and shouting! I woke up, sprung up from my twin-bed!

I tippy toed up to my closed door, to softly crack it ajar… peeked out of it looked down the corridor… it was Mommy and CM arguing in the living-room! The hall-light was off, thank God! Or they might have caught me peeking, eavesdropping. It felt to be wee hours in the morning in that moment—I definitely had-to be up for school a few hours later. That fact alone, was enough to get me in trouble! I had to ear-hustle as quietly as I could—which was easy for a quiet child like myself. ‘But logically speaking, with all that yelling, how could a child stay asleep, anyone?

“She’s lying !” CM yelled at my mom!

“I don’t think so, where would she get that idea from? She barely speaks— ”

“So, what! Just cause she’s quiet makes her honest? ” He shot back!

“I don’t recall her lying about anything else before. And she spoke in detail… how would she know I asked you to wax the floors that night? ” Mommy asked him in detective mode & added: “You had to have told her that—I called to ask you to do the floors.” Mommy reminded.

“Just ‘cause I told her that doesn’t mean I violated her,” he yelled!

“Why are you yelling?! ” Mommy yelled!

“Because you’re accusing me of being a childmolester! ” CM yelled again!

He was walking back and forth, packing a suitcase…

I had to dip in my room—but I could still hear them out there!

“I know my child, she has never talked like this before, it felt real! ” Mommy shouted, sounding like her voice was cracking on the brink of tears!

“Well, I was never accused of being a childmolester before !” He shouted!

I thought… “could I be his first victim?”

I lay in bed shocked that he was lying that comfortably—albeit yelling-passion laced those lies!

But lies nonetheless!

A grown liar was calling a child a liar!

Wow!

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I knew nothing of sex till Mad Dog, him, and CM! Knew nothing of it!

I wish I had the courage to break from my room to call him a Liar to his face!

But I didn’t.

It took a while to find the courage to tell my mom!

“Why would she lie about that? Why? ” Mommy pleaded.

“I don’t know. She’s probably jealous of her baby-brother—don’t want you to be happy! ” He surmised via more lies!

“That’s absurd, she loves her brother, she’s not jealous of him. And she loves weddings, she’d never be jealous of marriage—ridiculous! ” Mommy shot back.

“You said y’all wuz watching a TV show when she told you, right? Maybe the idea came from there.” He, still trying to convince Mommy that I lied

I went from hurt to angry! I wish I could fight him and win!

I felt so helpless!

‘Helpless in stature and age—compared to his height, age, strength-in-stature.

“That’s ridiculous! I saw her face, I saw her expression… it wasn’t an idea , it was pain! ” Mommy pleaded!

“Look, I’m hittin’ the road! Call me when you figure out what the real truth is!”

He stormed out the front door!

Mommy tearfully sung “Hit tha road, Jack, don’t ’choo come back no more no more no more No More ” behind him… that Ray Charles’ famous song.

I didn’t quite get the dramatics there.

And I definitely didn’t get why he lied on me! First you violate me, then lie on me!

*This is way before I got grown and got therapy to find out that that’s a typical knee-jerk reaction when most [bad people] are accused of heinous acts!

It sounded like not only did she lock the door,

chain it, but…, it sounded like she propped a chair up behind it too!

Clearly, she didn’t want him to use his key to get back in, before she had the locks changed.

She went in her bedroom, closed the door… I could hear her faintly crying…

I faintly cried too… mourned…

That next morning, I found myself home alone—not unusual. But… it did feel like she wanted to get up, get herself and her baby ready earlier than usual. She got him downstairs to the babysitter’s house and got a head-start (before rush-hour) en-route to work. Did she not want to see me? I don’t know. Maybe I over-thought it—I’ve been a latchkey kid for a while, so why did that morning feel different?

I went to school that day, finally came clean, told Jeanie in a round-about-way what happened to me. She showed more compassion than my mom did. But… CM wasn’t Jeanie’s husband.

‘Looking back, I had to realize Mommy lost her husband after just having his baby. A therapist shot back (after I shared that assessment) “So what, you lost your innocence, and your mother lost an incubus! Good riddance! ” I really had some very direct therapists over the course of my therapeutic journey. Grateful.

I digress.

Not really.

Want to read Chapter 4? Contact Nandi

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Nandi was born in Harlem, New York in the late 60s. Attended (public) elementary school, there; and continued in that scholastic lane later in Queens.

She went to high-school in Manhattan, to study Graphic Communications Arts (Printing), where she majored in Journalism and Photography. Felix & Oscar inspired. :) #TheOddCouple

She also attended Community College in Bayside, NY in the early 90s, where she soon married and became a Mom.

In the 90s she also pursued an acting and writing career; off-Broadway plays, auditions, extra-work... It was fun!

She later returned to college in her 40s, to major in Legal Studies. She wanted to work with Barry Sheck’s Innocence Project.

She was told via many spiritual readings she’s a Heyoka Empath … among other adjectives. [A Heyoka is a very powerful healer and empath that feels the emotions and energy of others inside their body. The Heyoka is perhaps the most powerful Holy Man or Medicine Man as s/he has the natural ability to help heal physical afflictions, emotional issues, and or simply bad moods.]

Now, a retired granny, yet … still seeking to get her written works published … S.O.S.!

Donations for Nandi’s publishing goals can be DM’ed to Nandi on her Instagram, Gratitude.

“

THE MAGIC OF CREATIVITY

THE BEGINNING OF MY CREATIVE JOURNEY

Our “textbook” was “The Artist’s Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity” by Julia Cameron.

The premise of the book is that to create, you need to feel treasured, like an extremely well-cared for child.

I used to think of myself as boring. My closet contained only muted colors. I hid my figure in baggy, shapeless clothes. I was studious, ultrareliable, and extremely helpful but, by my own assessment, not particularly interesting. How did I evolve into an independent filmmaker whose personal documentaries have been viewed by several hundred thousand people?

It all started when I took a creativity class. The class was offered at a community college and cost just $99. It did not seem like a big deal at the time. But it changed my life!

The class was my attempt to do something just for fun. It would be just for me, some “mom time.”

My older son was headed to middle school in a year. This would be my last year as his homeroom mom. I had been homeroom mom every year that my sons were in elementary school, which can be considered a status symbol for an elementary school student but not so for a mature middle schooler.

One day, instead of going to my sons’ elementary school as usual, I drove to the local community college. Creativity was an “adult education” class. There were twentyone students, all women. We sat in wooden desks designed for college students. I had forgotten how uncomfortable they were, especially for my forty-year-old body! None of us could be mistaken for college coeds. I was not the only one shifting in my chair.

By Mary Knight

We introduced ourselves by telling our reason for taking the class. The answers given included to become a professional chef, to direct films, to make use of the art degree received when much younger, to design clothes, to paint a mural, and, from at least five people, to write a novel. My answer: “I’m taking this class for my own enjoyment. That’s the only reason.”

Our “textbook” was The Artist’s Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity by Julia Cameron. The premise of the book is that to create, you need to feel treasured, like an extremely well-cared for child. The book and the teacher exhorted each of us to provide this level of nurturing to ourselves. As an adult, the only person from whom I can receive complete comfort is me.

Cameron spent her early adult life as a successful screenplay writer and as an alcoholic. When she quit drinking, she quit writing. She found her way back to creativity through self-care. She preaches the importance of daily journaling. This journaling needs to be done first thing in the morning, before your feet hit the floor. I found that by religiously doing “morning pages,” I often could remember my dreams.

Another essential part of Cameron’s creativity campaign is to take yourself on something that she calls an “artist date.” It is taking yourself on an outing that your younger self would have enjoyed. Examples include visiting an art museum, taking a fingerpainting class, browsing at a bookstore, window shopping at an exclusive boutique, and going on a carnival ride. It should be just for fun and just you, a solo outing (although I do cheat sometimes and bring another art lover along).

The class took place every Wednesday evening for thirteen weeks. By week eight, the original twenty-one students had dwindled down to five. By week ten, there were only three of us. The three of us kept in touch for a while after the class ended. To

my knowledge, I alone remain involved in creative endeavors. Why do so many people quit before finishing their artistic projects?

Creativity is hard work! It can be exhausting to care for a newborn, and the same is true of nurturing your fledgling artist self. But, if you provide the right conditions, creativity can expand until it feeds your soul.

By the end of the creativity class, I wanted to write a short story. However, I was told that the novel-writing class at this community college was better than the one focusing on short stories, so I took it. I loved the teacher. The next semester, I took her advanced class. It was for screenplay writers as well as for aspiring novelists. I met a student in that class who liked an idea that I had for a novel and offered to co-write if we could use the idea for a screenplay before writing the novel. He quit as my co-writer before we finished the script, but I was already hooked. Screenplay writing, with its strict page count expectations, is like poetry. It depends heavily on symbolic images. The focus is “show, don’t tell.” I began

to visualize what I wanted my viewers to see on screen. I learned to delete all unnecessary dialogue.

SISTER MARY’S ANGEL

Sister Mary’s Angel, PG-13, is a romantic comedy with depth. It is my fun film. Runtime is eighty-seven minutes. It stars identical twins Kris and Alix Angelis. It is available to view free of charge on my website and on my YouTube channel.

The screenplay that I wrote was Sister Mary’s Angel, a fictional story about identical twin sisters. Angel, a lingerie model, has an urgent need for medical care. She has no savings, no health insurance, and no options in her pre-Obamacare world. She trades places with her identical sister, a nun, so that the Catholic Church will pay for her surgery. It is a dramatic comedy with child abuse in the backstory.

The idea for Sister Mary’s Angel came to me when I was at Starbucks with an elderly, vivacious ex-nun from my book club. She said, “When I became a nun, there were two paths for a Catholic girl who had

“

“When I became a nun, there were two paths for a Catholic girl who had been molested: become a nun or become a prostitute.”

Sister Mary’s Angel premiere at Joy Theatre

“ She asks him,

“Where was God when my dad used to mess with me?” The kind priest answers, “Angel, I can’t know the answer to that for you, but for me, when my dad used to beat me, God was there. He was holding my hand, and He was crying.”

been molested: become a nun or become a prostitute.” In my original draft, the lingerie model was a prostitute. (Back then, I used the term “prostitute” rather than “sex trafficking victim” which is the term that I always use now.) I changed the character based on advice from Jean Smart. I saw her when we both were in the audience at a film conference. I recognized her from her iconic role in the sitcom Designing Woman from the 1980s and 1990s. I rushed up to her, not knowing what to say except for the elevator pitch for my script. Smart told me that my script would be more appealing to someone like her if its’ characters were more subtle.

I was passionate about the script because it contains a sermon. The convent priest knows that the sisters switched places, but he does not report them. Having been told about the switch in confession, he is bound to confidentiality.

The lingerie model, although not Catholic, comes to trust him during her time in the convent. She asks him, “Where was God when my dad used to mess with me? ” The kind priest answers, “Angel, I can’t know the answer to that for you, but for me, when my dad used to beat me, God was there. He was holding my hand, and He was crying.” The words of the priest came from my own personal experience, and I cherish the opportunity to share them with fellow survivors through film.

I made many attempts to sell this script. I got good at pitching it, but then again, I had lots of practice! I went to the Austin (Texas) Film Festival and to the Willamette Writers’ Conference (Portland, Oregon) multiple times.

There I met agents and producers. My script went to Hollywood by invitation, but my eventual reply was always a “No” (often the Hollywood “No,” which means that I never heard back).

After a decade of fruitless effort, I decided that if I shot a couple of scenes of the movie, I would have an easier time selling the script. In 2006, I took my first filmmaking class. I thought that was all that I would need to do. I later found that far more effort and resources were needed.

In my film-making class, my teacher asked us to make a short, relatively simple film. It had to be less complicated than any of the scenes in my script for Sister Mary’s Angel. The film that I produced was titled One Man’s Anger, One Woman’s Love. It is described in the next section of this essay.

After I had successfully made a short film, I naively thought I was sufficiently knowledgeable to make a long one. If I had known enough to correctly estimate the time and money that making a narrative fictional film requires, I never would have made one.

My first attempt to make Sister Mary’s Angel was during the summer of 2009. As I look back, I wonder how I had the gumption to spend my time and money on film-making when I was living in a shared house and could barely pay rent. I badly underestimated the cost. On the other hand, I experienced success as I made cold calls to find free filming locations. I not only got permission to film in the Portland Rose Festival carnival area, but I also was granted media passes so that we could enter without paying the admission fee.

Experienced local actors volunteered to play the supporting roles, but I needed identical twins to be the stars. I found a set of twins

on Craigslist who lived 100 miles away. They had hardly any acting experience and yet turned out to be prima-donnas. I offered them no financial reimbursement, but, since I was filming on a weekend when the other people in my shared house would be out of town, I agreed to let them sleep in our living room. Instead, they insisted on sleeping in a bedroom that I had no right to use. I allowed them to use the bedroom and, as a result, was kicked out of the house. This experience showed me that I probably never would be able to produce my film. However, soon after, there was a major change in my personal life.

I met my husband, Jerry, while I was in the midst of working on the film. Four months after we started dating, Jerry’s ninety-five-

year-old mother died, and he received an inheritance. Jerry wanted to contribute a large portion to charity, but I convinced him that my film would be a great way to help people. Before we were even engaged, Jerry agreed to cover my new $15,000 budget, which ultimately turned into an expenditure of well over $50,000. When people turn to me for advice on how to fund a film, I tell them that I have none.

The twins who appeared in the film were not the ones whom I originally had selected. I found out that I qualified for the SAG (Screen Actors Guild) Ultra Low Budget category, which enabled me to pay union actors a flat fee of $100 a day. I found actors on the SAG website who listed “twins” under special abilities. However, I found that some

“ Instead, they insisted on sleeping in a bedroom that I had no right to use. I allowed them to use the bedroom and, as a result, was kicked out of the house.

Jerry and I got married at the church where the wedding scene was shot.

“ Ryan sat beside me, watching the clip on my laptop. When he got back to Los Angeles, he watched the full eighty-seven- minute film and showed it to his business partner. Sadly, they ultimately rejected it.

had a twin sibling, but the sibling was not an actor, or they both acted but were not identical. Finally, I found identical twins, Kris and Alix Angelis.

Kris lived in Seattle and offered to drive to Portland for an audition. Rather than purchase an airline ticket for Alix, I asked Kris to audition for both of them. She was great! Kris told me that her sister Alix is a better actor than her, which is something Alix would never say. Almost all the people who view the film think the twins are equally talented, but every now and then, someone will express a preference. What is interesting is that when they do, half say Alix, and the other half say Kris.

The 2012 Willamette Writers Conference was an easy drive from my Portland, Oregon, suburb. I knew that Hollywood agents, managers, and producers arrive at the hotel

the day before the conference. I saw film executive Luke Ryan, who had a first-look deal with Tri-Star at the time. He was waiting in line to check in. He remembered me from previous conferences. (Most people do after hearing about my extreme childhood abuse.) I told him that I had finished editing a couple of scenes for my film and asked him to watch for three minutes. His look said to me that he wished he could get out of it but he did not know how to do so. Ryan sat beside me, watching the clip on my laptop. When he got back to Los Angeles, he watched the full eighty-seven- minute film and showed it to his business partner. Sadly, they ultimately rejected it.

I never was able to sell Sister Mary’s Angel. I still am glad that I made it. I joke with Jerry that, someday, when we are in an old folk’s home, we will have fun watching it. We will brag about it to the other elderly residents.

You do not have to wait for the nursing home showing! You can view it on my website and my YouTube channel

I think of this film as though it were my daughter. Parental pride compels me to include the Willamette Week review. This local paper announced Sister Mary’s Angel’s 2014 Portland, Oregon, premiere. Its reviewer gave the film four stars out of five, more stars than it did the Meryl Streep movie that came out the same week!

If you are not a filmmaker, you may be wondering how I managed to spend more than $50,000. That is a lot of money! If you are a filmmaker, you are wondering how I made any kind of film on so little money.

I underpaid every single person who worked for me. Each time

I see the film, I appreciate the efforts of all the volunteers and underpaid individuals who made Sister Mary’s Angel possible! It was a labor of love for everyone who worked on it.

We shot Sister Mary’s Angel in twenty-two days. The timing worked for us to again use the carnival area of the annual Portland Rose Festival. I needed additional locations. My first indoor location was secured when I gathered the courage to walk up to the register at Portland’s iconic Movie Madness video store, and the owner just happened to be present. Three Doors Down, an upscale restaurant, donated space, charging only the cost of one employee’s hourly wage.

A medical doctor let us use his office early in the morning before he opened for business, and his receptionist was so excited about being on a film set that she volunteered to be there. I appreciated what they did so much that I transferred to them for ongoing

medical care. The wedding scene took place at the church I attended, and for the funeral, we used a wedding chapel that was originally a church building. We needed to build a set for the lingerie model’s apartment, where much of the film was shot. I persuaded Jerry to let me use his office. I thought his office would be completely functional while being used as a set, but I was wrong. With a king-size bed donated from a local mattress store and walls painted by a highly creative, budgetoriented volunteer art director, it looked so much like a lingerie model’s apartment that the longtime UPS delivery person came in the door one day and then left thinking he had come to the wrong place.

My husband Jerry and almost everyone else who had any part in making the film is an extra in it. If you look closely, you can see Jerry’s brief appearance in the first scene. I am in the first bus scene, clad in wacky Mickey Mouse overalls. You might not recognize me, as my hair was dyed reddish brown back then. I am in the bus seat behind Alix Angelis, who plays the lingerie model character named Angel. Since her character is posing as a nun and is dressed in a full-length nun habit, a Catholic woman approaches her to ask for marital advice. Angel/Alix tries to help the woman and, in a not so nun-like manner, inquires about her sex life. On camera, you can see my shocked expression peek through as Alix asks the alarmed, modestly dressed, ultrapious Catholic character, “Is he good in bed? ”

Most makers of independent low-budget films do not request a rating from the Motion Picture Association because of the cost. I consider the $3,000 that I paid to get Sister Mary’s Angel rated well worth the cost. The fee charged is on a sliding scale based on the film budget. I paid the minimum. Steven Spielberg invests over $20,000 per film for the exact same service that I received. Sister Mary’s Angel was given a PG-13 rating, which is what I wanted. I was surprised to receive a phone call from a member of the rating committee. My smile wide, I cradled

the phone as I was told that they were impressed with the film’s message.

This story is an excerpt from Mary’s book My Life Now, Essays by a Child Sex Trafficking Survivor

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mary Knight, MSW, experienced various forms of child sex trafficking, sometimes in her own home. Her parents were her pimps. Knight’s current life is filled with safety, love, joy, and children. Happily married, she is a child advocate, a foster parent, and a grandmother. Knight lives in Bellingham, Washington. She can be contacted by email or through Facebook. Her memoir My Life Now: Essays by a Child Sex Trafficking Survivor is available through Amazon, and can be ordered from any independent book store. Her films are all free on Mary’s YouTube channel.

41

POKE. POKE. POKE.

All

you gotta do is reach out and grab it...

I hear the words. I feel the words. A reminder of my own power.

When did I lose it? My Power.

I know all this. I always have.

Deep inside that little girl never lost that knowing — that truly she could do anything she put her mind to.

It’s that sixteen-year-old who lost her power It seemed to disappear that morning when she first dissociated.

She really didn’t even notice it at first.

No

That’s not really it.

That little girl — her cheerleader kept her going then.

Or was it the 5 year old when he took her in the bedroom.

No, that’s not it either.

That little girl — her cheerleader kept her going then to.

So, then, when was it? Why? How?

Hmm…

Maybe she never really lost it.

It just came and went. Waxed and waned like the moon.

She was lucky She had that little 2, 3, 4, 5-yearold.

The cheerleader who always poked her when the power dissipated.

But it did deplete from time to time.

Sometimes longer than others. The tiredness would just take over.

The “I can’t do it anymore ” would show up. Take over.

The “I’m just not good enough” would creep in.

And then... Poke. Poke. Poke.

She would hear the little cheer leaders

Sure you can...

Remember when you did this... Said that...

Remember how you...

Oh, yeah.

Of course you can.

Just get back up and try again.

And so I’d listen

Suddenly that tiredness just went away.

By Claire O’Leary

Maybe, I’d had a good night’s sleep.

Maybe something good happened and I’d remember.

Maybe something or someone made me laugh.

Poke. Poke. Poke.

I’d feel like myself again.

And, move onward.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Claire O’Leary is founder of The Empowered Voice (Traveling Art Exhibit & Symposium) and Voices Heard, the interactive e-Zine that empowers survivors to shatter the silence of their sexual abuse which helps them heal and help others heal through sharing their stories.

She lives in Donnelly, Idaho with her husband, and enjoys being a mother and grandmother. Claire’s a CSA (incest) survivor, an avid reader, meditates and dances her heart out any time she can.

She’s an advocate, speaker, and mentor.

BUILDING RESILIENCE

HEALING OURSELVES & OUR COMMUNITIES

By Rachel Grant & Ron Capocelli

LISTEN TO AN INTERVIEW WITH RON CAPOCELLI, FROM WEB TALK RADIO.NET.

Or Read it Below.

“

One in three women and one in five men have been sexually abused.

I’m Ron Capocelli, Thank you for joining me today on Getting Relationships Right. On Web, Talk Radio.Net, today, we’re going to have a conversation about a very important topic, sexual abuse. Today’s show, The Path to Healing From Sexual Abuse, will provide people, both women and men who have been sexually abused, with hope and a pathway to fully reclaim their lives.

The show is also intended to raise awareness regarding just how pervasive sexual abuse is, so that we can stand together and reduce its occurrence. I have some statistics for your consideration.

One in three women and one in five men have been sexually abused. Let me say that again, one in three women and one in five men have been sexually abused.

Unfortunately, these statistics do not tell the whole story, as sexual abuse is very underreported. It is therefore very likely that someone in your immediate circle of family, friends, colleagues, perhaps even someone you see every day in your daily life has suffered some form of sexual abuse.

Please take a moment to be fully present with these emotionally challenging facts. I realize that this is a difficult topic, but please stay tuned anyway, because we need your support.

I’d like you to take away two things from this podcast.

• Firstly, is you don’t have to continue to hold on to fear, shame and self-doubt. There is help for you. Reach out and get the help you need and deserve.

• Secondly, I encourage you to stand with me, to do your part to prevent sexual abuse within your family, circle of friends and community. I’m honored and delighted to introduce Rachel Grant.

Rachel is the owner and founder of Rachel Grant Coaching and as a trauma recovery coach, she is also the author of Beyond Surviving, the final stage in recovery from sexual abuse. With her support, adult survivors of sexual abuse break free from the past and return to their genuine self. Rachel provides a compassionate and challenging approach for her clients, while using coaching as opposed to therapeutic models.

Rachel, thank you so much for joining me today on getting relationships right.

Rachel

Hi, Ron, yeah, thank you so much for having me today.

Ron

So, Rachel, we’re just going to just dive into this pond, swim around and get all mucky. All right, sounds good. So, tell me a little bit about your own personal experience with sexual abuse.

Rachel

Well, when I was 10 years old, my grandfather was living with us. I grew up in a small town in Oklahoma, and it was my mother and father and I and my grandfather came to live with us. He was a little bit elderly, and I would often kind of take care of him around the house, and he was somewhat of a companion. One day we were sitting together, and he began touching me, and I really wasn’t sure (I was 10 years old), didn’t really know kind of what was going on, but I kind of fled in that moment and ran away. But was certainly distraught and scared and upset and didn’t have the capacity to talk about it. Didn’t know what to even say had happened. And this kind of continued over the course of many months, and to varying degrees of severity.

So at one point, you know, my mother actually witnessed what was happening, and as soon as she saw what was going on, she had him removed from the home and took him, you know, moved him out, moved him in with an aunt, and kind of at that point where I started, you know, my journey of trying to sort it all out and come to understand what had happened.

Ron

So how did you sort it all out? As you said, and before you answer that, I just want to

acknowledge that the courage it takes to do that on the air. Just share what you shared. Thank you so much for doing that. I know you bring every ounce of that courage and compassion to the clients you serve, but so let’s, digress for just a second. And how was that untangling all that?

Rachel

A long process. It was a long, painful process, and my teen years were very confusing. I spent a lot of time just feeling out of touch with myself and other people. You know, I remember there was kind of this moment where I felt like all of my friends continued on this one path, and I separated off and was over in this very different journey. And so things that used to seem very simple and fun now had a very different tone to them. I remember getting upset with friends that they didn’t take things seriously enough, or didn’t understand that there are really bad things that happen in this world. And I grew up very fast in that moment, and my teen years were certainly spent chasing the feeling of wanting to be included, wanting to belong, wanting to feel seen and heard and understood, and making many wrong choices about how to go about doing that. By the time I reached my 20s, it really was becoming very clear to me that the effects of the abuse, they weren’t going to—it wasn’t gonna go away. I couldn’t just keep putting it in the corner and hoping that it would just, you know, disappear and stop affecting me. That I needed to talk with somebody. I needed to find a way out of this. And so I did start, you know, doing some therapy and talking with people, reading some books and starting to try to understand what the impact has been on me. But my frustration started to grow in that journey, as more and more often I would reach a certain insight, I would come to understand why I did things the way that I did, or why I had certain beliefs or responded to certain situations in the same way, over and over again. But each

“ I remember there was kind of this moment where I felt like all of my friends continued on this one path, and I separated off and was over in this very different journey.

“

And if that’s your experience, then you’re very likely in that survivor place where you’ve gotten the insight and the understanding, but you haven’t developed the skills and tools yet step out of that into what I call the final stage, which is that beyond surviving stage.

iStock - Dima Berlin

time I sought the support around you know, what do I do about that? How do I actually begin to step away from those thoughts, to step away from those behaviors? I just never got a satisfactory answer.

Ron

I’m just gonna acknowledge you. You bring up a really important point and thats just acknowledging that some things happened. I mean, that’s a very huge step. I want people to get that just acknowledging that you have been sexually abused, that this very difficult and very personal thing has happened, that’s a huge step, and then the next step is to begin to untangle it. And it requires patience, which you demonstrated—persistence, that you’re going to get it done. And it requires a pretty strong degree of continuous support for a period of time. Would you agree with that?

Rachel

Well, I think that what I discovered is there are these various stages of recovery that we go through . The way that I’ve come to think about it is, you know, this survivor stage —we’ve made the transition of talking about, you know, people being survivors of sexual abuse, survivors of abuse, as opposed to being victims. And that’s a very important shift in language and in framing

the problem and thinking about yourself right, as somebody who is capable and able to make sense. But what I fear is that people get stuck at their survivor stage, and they spend way too long there. It’s an important part of the journey, making sense of it all, coming to be able to acknowledge and accept that this is part of your story.

Ron

So Rachel, how can you tell if you’re stuck in that stage, right? What are some of the stories?

Rachel

Well, I think that one of the biggest signs is that you are staying in repetitive patterns of a survivor:

• That you understand, Oh, I have a hard time trusting people, but you aren’t actually moving any closer to being able to trust.

• That you’re constantly trying to manage

• That your sense is that I keep going around the same amount over and over and over again. I understand why I’m doing it, but I don’t understand how to stop it

And if that’s your experience, then you’re very likely in that survivor place where you’ve gotten the insight and the understanding,

but you haven’t developed the skills and tools yet step out of that into what I call the final stage, which is that beyond surviving stage.

Ron

So, I’m assuming that has a lot to do with negative self-talk, perhaps even some negative body image stuff. Would you like to talk a little bit about, how you deal with the cognitive part of things, what people tell themselves and their thoughts and feelings, and perhaps some examples of some things you told yourself in your thoughts and feelings, that kept you stuck.

Rachel

Yeah, so, for me, when I started recognizing this as a problem, as “I’m stuck and how do I get out of it,” that’s when I really set off to figure that out. I wanted to answer this question of, well, what do I do about it? And so, I started studying things like neuroscience, cognitive behavioral therapy. I started looking at what really made a difference for me in my day-to-day life, and I did my degree and all those things, and started pulling together all these lessons learned. And really what I’ve discovered is that, you know, when we have an experience, the mind is automatically “Why.” It’s automatically set up to determine why such and such experience has occurred to us. We want to explain the things that are happening around us and to us, and so we can use a victim model to do that as people first do, we can also, well, I’ve survived this.

Ron

That’s another way to kind of frame it. But you’re taking people beyond that. You’re taking people to where they’re actually comfortable in intimate relationships.

Rachel

That’s right. And it begins by understanding how the brain is wired due to trauma . And so, for instance, myself, one of a lot of my false messages, a lot of the beliefs that I walked away with because of the abuse were things like:

• I’m not valuable, people will always leave.

• People are always going to be out to get me, to manipulate me, to use me for their own purposes.

And so all of those beliefs are like a wiring in your kind of film, like your belief highways in your brain. And for a very long time it was like a six lane highway. So all of those beliefs had lots of traffic, lots of action, and there was no exit ramp. I could not get off over and over and over again.

My experiences, I’m coming into a new relationship, and I start out really positive, thinking, “Okay, this time you know I’m going to be I’m going to be present, I’m going to feel really good. We’re going to get along.” And then before you know it, I’m just right there on that highway, putting up walls, pushing away whatever the case may be.

Ron

So how did you find an exit route?

Rachel

Well, so first of all, I understood that in the brain you can actually build new highways. So it’s kind of like you start to build your new highways, first of all, through language. That’s the source of so much change, and so much of what we think and believe is first of all, built through the language that we use about ourselves and about others. So on the both basic, very simplest level, I just started telling myself every morning, “I am valuable.” I would say it out loud, and then I literally would laugh, because I thought “This is ridiculous. I don’t believe it really.”

Ron

Really interesting point here, Rachel, and that is that we can know something to be true, and we can, we can say it out loud, and then we can have that knee jerk, oh yeah, right on value kind of thing. So let’s talk a little more about how deep that goes, because you’re doing one of the things most cognitively oriented therapists would say to do, and that is, you know, replace the negative self-talk with positive self-talk. Tell yourself

“ Yeah, so, for me, when I started recognizing this as a problem, as “I’m stuck and how do I get out of it,” that’s when I really set off to figure that out. I wanted to answer this question of, well, what do I do about it?

“

I kept a journal, and I would write things down, like what I did that was a value today, even if it was something small, like, you know, I smiled at a child and made them laugh, or whatever it was things that I considered to be of value…

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something that’s positive, but now, so how do you convince yourself? How did you convince yourself, convince yourself that you really had value? What was, what was the next step?

Rachel

Right! Well, of course, it’s not about just positive affirmations, not about making yourself feel good. That’s not enough. You can’t just say nice things about yourself. You have to start shifting your view and start looking at the evidence in your world that supports the view.

Ron

And what did you go get?

Rachel

Oh, I just, you know, from starting to look at my friendship, starting to look at the people who I had, looking for the other reflections, people reflecting back to me, I started thinking about my day to day. I kept a journal, and I would write things down, like what I did that was a value today, even if it was something small, like, you know, I smiled at a child and made them laugh, or whatever it was—things that I considered to be of value that therefore related to my self-worth and my own value, what I was putting into the world.

Ron

You know, what’s interesting to me about the whole highway metaphor you brought up is that, if you watch them build highways, it takes years, you know. First

you’ve got to get all the ground cleared, and then you’ve got to get some sort of a base established, and then you this and this and that, and so it’s a systematic thing. And I like, I love how you especially found little things to celebrate, to get yourself moving in a direction of self-appreciation, right?

Rachel

Right. And then over time, what happens is, the I’m valuable highway gets more and more depth and width, and the other highway stops. It goes out of order, so to speak, it becomes a one lane highway. So, it’s not that you never jump over on that highway, but the difference is when you’re beyond survivor, you know, okay, I’m over here on this highway.

First of all, there’s just a self-recognition of, yes, I’m over here and I’m in my junk of, I’m not valuable. But you also understand how to get off that highway and back on the right track again. And that to me, is the key difference. It’s not necessarily, you know, what I teach my clients is that it’s not about eradicating anything. It’s about understanding, first, it’s about decreasing the frequency with which you get on that road, and then it’s decreasing the duration with which you stay on it.

Ron

And when you find yourself on the other road that the road that you’re now trying to make the road less traveled, the highway being replaced, not to sit in judgment about

that I’m there. Well, okay, well, do I want to be there? Well, maybe not so much. Where would I like to be? And so, kind of what you do is you slow the whole train down so that you have more control over your thoughts and feelings, and you know, part of that is having an awareness. So, you started with an awareness that, hey, I’m not happy with this. You acted on it, so you took action on it, and you worked away at trying to solve the problem. You got professional help you do what you had to do. And so now tell me about what it’s like now.

Rachel

Well, the way that I like to think about it is, you know, something that happens when we’re abused is that there are all these layers that get put on top of who we are, and we end up believing things about ourselves, about the world, about other people, that just aren’t true. And through the process of beyond surviving and healing and recovery, whatever path you choose to take to get you there, I really think of it as a pulling away of all those layers, pulling away the lie, so that your genuine self gets to be expressed on a daily basis. And that, to me, is the biggest difference, you know, the Rachel that was there present before the abuse, she didn’t disappear or, you know, die, or anything like that. And so now she’s been recovered. It’s just been the fact that I can go through life now, being joyful, being playful, being affectionate, all those things I always wanted

to feel and did feel when I was younger, I just returned to them, right? I don’t have to relearn anything. I just have to get all of the stuff that got put on top of that out of the way. And once that happens, then you can be in that beyond surviving place.

Ron

Rachel, a moment ago, you were sharing with me about your life. Now, tell me what it’s like to be comfortable in an intimate relationship now.

Rachel

Yeah, you know, one of the biggest shifts for me certainly was the new possibility of having relationships in my life that were balanced and healthy and meaningful and that weren’t impacted by the belief that it occurred when I was younger. So really, I guess the best thing that I can say about it is just whatever vision I had at one point about what kind of relationships that I could possibly be in that felt like they were unattainable, that felt like there was just no way I was ever going to get to have, that I was too messed up, I was too, you know, problematic or dysfunctional, or whatever those things are, that’s just out of the way. So now I just get to be open and available. And, you know, it’s not to say I don’t have bad days in my relationship where things pop up and I have to use the very tools that I teach in that, you know, that develops. I have to use them too sometimes.

“

And now it just feels like, okay, there might be a problem today, but I know how to handle it. I know how to walk through it, and it’s not this kind of constantly feeling unbalanced and scared and fearful, and so that I would say that’s the biggest difference for me now,

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“ I would ask you to just pause and consider that we can’t live life as if we aren’t impacted by the things that occur to us. And by constantly pushing it into the corner. It’s just like it’s growing bigger and bigger and bigger.

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Ron

So you wouldn’t be much of a coach if you didn’t. Carpenter never takes out a hammer. How good are they going to be with it when they need to use it? And I very much want to acknowledge that that’s part of the work. Yeah, that to be present with where you’re at and take out the right tool. And because you teach a variety of tools. People aren’t always going for the hammer. There’s, lots of other things they take in deciding exactly which tool to use.

Rachel

Go at it hard. Yeah, absolutely. So, I just that’s, really, just it. The difference to me is when I was in my 20s and up through, I would say my mid 20s, everything just felt stirred up constantly. I just, I always felt like there was something missing, there was something wrong, something I needed to fix, there was some problem. And now it just feels like, okay, there might be a problem today, but I know how to handle it. I know how to walk through it, and it’s not this kind of constantly feeling unbalanced and scared and fearful, and so that I would say that’s the biggest difference for me now, having kind of gone through this work and developed these things. And certainly I, you know, I love watching that journey, you know, with my clients, seeing them take those same steps, and watching them get the same result.

Ron

You had to get over being afraid, getting over those fears of not only about yourself, but about being abandoned, about different kinds of issues. I know. I talked with men sexually abused and they had a lot of performance issues around, all of that, if they didn’t get dealt with, it was going to affect every relationship on down the road. So, what do you think is the main message you would want to tell someone who hasn’t outwardly acknowledged that they’ve been sexually abused. What would you tell it as someone who works with people like that?

Rachel

Well, if there’s somebody who has been sexually abused, and you kind of have it that the pink elephant in the corner, and you’re just saying, “Okay, you sit over there My life is over here, and I’m just going to go on and not talk to you, not deal with you, not think about you. “

I would ask you to just pause and consider that we can’t live life as if we aren’t impacted by the things that occur to us. And by constantly pushing it into the corner. It’s just like it’s growing bigger and bigger and bigger.

And the more we say, okay, if I do that, it’ll be no big deal, the more it actually becomes a big deal. It’s when we pull it out and we hold it in our hands, and it might sting a

little bit, but we look at it, we turn it over, we investigate, that’s when it starts losing its’ power. That’s when you can actually, genuinely get to the place where you can say, I was sexually abused. That’s a part of my experience, and that’s it. There’s none of the like hangover, of the hurt and the pain and the problem associated with it, but as long as you’re pushing it away, you just can’t get there. So, you know, if it’s just even, a small little step you can take towards acknowledging that that’s a part of your story is going to be a huge first step.

Ron

And what do you think that first step for many people should be?

Rachel I often think that journaling about it is a great way to start. It’s very difficult to say

with something at some level then we can get in touch with it at deeper and deeper levels. And the nice thing about journaling or art or music or some other creative outlet like it is, it can be private, but still have great meaning. So the first step is becoming more self-aware yourself. And what sorts of things should people look for as they begin to walk down that path? Are there any red flags that come up for example?

Rachel

Well, so you know, once you acknowledge that, you’re kind of opening the can of worms, so be sure to have support around you . Doesn’t have to be that you go and tell the person, a friend or a family member or even a therapist that this is a particular issue, that you’re kind of looking at in your private world, but you do want to have people

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out loud, I was sexually abused. I was raped if you’ve never, ever said it before, if you’ve never acknowledged it to anyone. So, the place is acknowledging it to yourself. And a lot of people can use music, they use poetry, they use journaling. You can use art, whatever it is that just helps you be able to say it and acknowledge it to yourself first.

Ron

It makes a lot of sense. We can get in touch

around you who you can just lean on and go to for care and support. So, you know, watch out for that, I would say, and at some point, you are going to want to talk to somebody.

I really genuinely believe that this is an issue that is healed best through conversation, through action, through some sort of active, actively taking it on. You know, it’s not kind of a passive issue, and really wanting to look for people who

“

First of all, these are difficult issues to talk about, and when they come up, you have to be sure that the person that you’re talking to, both has a way to understand what you’ve been through and a methodology that recognizes and proceeds from a place of understanding how the mind deals with trauma.

“ We often think of it as an individual’s experience, but it is a family’s problem. It is a partner’s problem. It is a community, a societies problem, because it’s everywhere look.

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specialize in working with this issue, you know. Many therapists are trained in certain areas but aren’t really trained in how to work with sexual abuse. It’s its own little beast, right? And it brings its own nuances and things to understand. So, once you’ve reached that place where you are ready to get support, you know, I just really encourage you. When you’re talking to a therapist or you’re talking to a coach or you’re going to a program, you know, really ask them about their experience working with people around this particular issue.

Ron

Yeah, it’s important to enlist, I believe the right support for several reasons. First of all, these are difficult issues to talk about, and when they come up, you have to be sure that the person that you’re talking to, both has a way to understand what you’ve been through and a methodology that recognizes and proceeds from a place of understanding how the mind deals with trauma.

Do you want to talk at all about the semantic issues around all of that, like how we store memories and stuff in our bodies, memories around that sort of thing.

Rachel

Yeah, I can a little bit. It’s not an area that I delve too deeply in. Usually, if I have clients who are having strong somatic

experiences, I send them to a practitioner or somebody who does body work, but it’s very true that the that the body can hold and store the trauma, and so parts of your body can either be hypersensitive or desensitized to touch . And a lot of the work that I do around sexuality and intimacy takes the path of separating the touching, the sexuality, the experiences that occurred when you were abused from what you’re experiencing now as an adult. And you know, for me, the biggest shift around this very this particular issue really came when I hit upon and came to understand that the difference between the sexuality that occurred when I was being abused, and the sexuality that is occurring as an adult woman is choice, that the other when I was being abused was sex out of obligation, and as an adult is sex out of choice. And for me, that was enough. Like that did it for me. That just turned the whole script over, and I was able to experience sex and intimacy in a completely different way when I just made that distinction and that separation. You know, some of my clients, we’ve had to do a little bit deeper work and really get into like, okay, sit with your partner. Look at your partner. Think about, hey, I’m with my partner here. This is who I’m with. Now let them touch your leg, touch your thigh, really reconnecting and staying present, right with what you’re actually experiencing.

Ron

So, you’re bringing up an important thing, and that is that your partner needs to be aware of what you’ve been struggling with, what you are struggling with, and enlist their support so that they can take a supportive, understanding, compassionate and sensitive role in helping you both have intimacy.

all of that.’ No. I mean, we really have to think about the fact that there are so many people in our community that are affected by this, and it has long term consequences, on education, on health, on being able to support themselves, being able to work.

Ron

Yeah, I’m glad you’re bringing up all the

Rachel

Yeah, I mean, you know, sexual abuse. We often think of it as an individual’s experience, but it is a family’s problem. It is a partner’s problem. It is a community, a societies problem, because it’s everywhere you look. You go into your work if one in three women, and as you so rightly pointed out, those are only reported cases, but if you go into your job and one in three women have been abused. You know, they don’t leave the sexual abuse at home and go to work. You know, they take it with them. And so you’re being impacted by the fact that this is going on in our society. If you’re in a partnership with a man or a woman who’s been sexually abused, they don’t get to just set that aside. And, okay, honey, let’s go out to the movies tonight. Like, oh, it’s with them. And so, you know, this problem, this is an epidemic, in my opinion, is not just ‘oh, that’s an individual’s problem’, and they have to deal with it; they have to get over it. And

societal implications. And since you brought up the family as well, I’d like to ask you a couple questions about that, if I can. What can parents do to be more aware of what’s going on with their kids? What are some ideas around that?

Rachel

Well, I think the biggest thing is to be talking to your children from a very young age . You know, I was a nanny for 8 years, and with the children when they were about three, we started talking about, If somebody touches you or does something to you that you don’t like or it doesn’t feel comfortable, even if they tell you not to tell, you know, even if I do something…

Ron

You bring up a real important point, and that is to be aware that this problem is very pervasive. There are a lot of unscrupulous, I hate to use these words, but, a lot of unscrupulous, predatory type people, those

“ You know what I teach children is, “Even if I do something” when I’m talking to them, “even if I do something, you go and tell someone,” because I want them to feel completely and totally empowered to speak up.

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whose sexual desires feel more important than your child’s well-being. And so, to have this something that kids can be comfortable to talk about is a real important thing. It’s like bullying at school. Every parent wants to know if their kid is being pushed around. And so, if you’re raising a family, we’re being pushed around. It’s just not acceptable. You’re not going to tell that to your parents.

Rachel Right.

Ron

Yeah, you’re raising a really important point. And so, parents should facilitate an openness of communication with your kids. What else.

Rachel

Well, I mean, certainly, you want to be aware of, you know, who your children are spending time with. The unfortunate statistics are that most abuse occurs within the family. So, you know, it’s a hard thing to consider and a hard thing to look at, but you have to really trust your intuition. You have to trust and pay attention to it. It’s very hard when you think something weird about what’s going on between, you know, this uncle and my child or whatever, to not want to push that away and say, you know, it’s just Uncle Joe or whatever. You have to follow through on those things, and you have to give your children a stage to voice what is happening to them and really teach them. “I don’t care if you tell me and I don’t believe you. Go tell someone else. Keep telling someone until someone believes you.“ Because abuse is in the family so much. That’s the hardest part, right? And that’s why I said earlier on. You know what I teach children is, “Even if I do

something ” when I’m talking to them , “even if I do something, you go and tell someone,” because I want them to feel completely and totally empowered to speak up.

Ron

It starts when you’re young.

Rachel Mmhmm.

Ron

And it can foster the viewer to squash the way to proceed to some concluding thoughts. Stay on the line. Okay?

Rachel

Thank you, Rob,

Ron

Wonderful having you on the show.

Ron Conclusion

Ah, deep breath, folks. If you have been sexually abused, know that it is not your fault and that you are not alone. You don’t have to continue to live with your condition. I encourage you to dig deep and find the courage to reach out for the support that you need and deserve.

Everyone can become more aware of what’s going on around them and take appropriate steps to prevent sexual abuse within their family, community, friends and community at large. I also encourage you, if you’re in an intimate relationship and uncomfortable with some aspects of the sexual part of that, to communicate that to your partner and provide a way for them to be open for that conversation.

So, at the beginning of the show, I asked people to set a couple intentions. One was,

if you have suffered from sexual abuse, come clean with yourself and get the help you need.

The second is to stand together with Rachel and I and other people who support the eradication of sexual abuse, step up your game. Pay attention to what goes on around you.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Rachel is the owner and founder of Rachel Grant Coaching and is a Sexual Abuse Recovery Coach. Rachel holds a Master of Arts in Counseling Psychology and is the author of Beyond Surviving: The Final Stage in Recovery from Sexual Abuse and Overcome the Fear of Abandonment. You can download both free on her website

She works with survivors of childhood sexual abuse to help them let go of the pain of abuse and finally feel normal.

Her program, Beyond Surviving , is specifically designed to change the way we think about and heal from abuse. She has successfully used this program to help her clients break free from the past and move on with their lives.

Reach Rachel here or on Facebook .

THE PATH TO HEALING FROM SEXUAL ABUSE

By Mary Knight

“ I did not remember my abuse until I was thirty-seven years old. Even as a child, I had no conscious memory of the atrocities except while they were occurring.

and

I am certain that my memories of childhood sexual abuse are true.

I did not remember my abuse until I was thirty-seven years old. Even as a child, I had no conscious memory of the atrocities except while they were occurring.

When discussing recovered memories like mine, the focus tends to be on their credibility. Since I no longer need to spend my time and energy determining the validity of my recollections, my attention has turned to examining the many ways that delayed recall benefited me.

Vacations help us maintain our emotional well-being, especially for those of us with extremely demanding jobs. There is no job as demanding as surviving an abusive childhood. Delayed recall for a child is like taking a vacation from the fear, horror, and shame of the abuse. As a little girl who was molested by both parents, delayed recall gave me a psychological vacation from the abuse.

Delayed recall enabled me to not only do well in school, but also find comfort there. I was always aware that my parents were very critical and that they yelled a lot. In contrast, my teachers were kind and respectful. They complimented me when I worked hard. School was a haven for me, a calm place where things made sense.

My social skills were well-honed in grade school. In school, I associated with high achievers. Many of my long-term friends have graduate degrees.

Mary

her speech teacher

I had a master’s degree in social work before I recalled my abuse. Two of my articles were published in professional journals. I was appointed by judges to do divorce custody and parenting time evaluations. I testified as a mental health expert on a regular basis.

I now realize that the respect that I received from judges and attorneys was one of the factors that empowered me to trust myself enough to remember what deep down inside I always knew.

I was making strides in becoming self-actualized. I read books on codependency, then took a class about it, and eventually joined a twelve-step group for adult children of alcoholics. (Neither of my parents were alcoholics, but my mother acknowledged alcoholism on the part of her deceased father.) I finally realized that the problems in my first marriage were not all mine, and I insisted on marriage counseling. I began finding ways to have fun, like acting at a community theater. I started dressing in brighter colors, and I quit choosing styles that hid my figure.

During my childhood, forgetting allowed me to develop intellectually and emotionally in tandem with my peers. Remembering what happened to me as a child turned my world upside down. In no way do I want to minimize that fact. Still, I am thankful for my delayed recall.

In college, I studied Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. In his five-tier model of human needs, Maslow suggests that you must fulfill the lower needs before it is possible to fulfill the higher ones. The lowest needs are physical, such as food, water, and shelter. The next level is safety and security. After that is belongingness and a sense of community. Then come esteem needs, which are associated with accomplishments. Lastly, according to Maslow, is the need to become self-actualized.

When I first learned about Maslow’s hierarchy, it did not make sense to me. I argued with my college professor, insisting that starving people can become self-actualized. I now realize that, on a deeper level, I was speaking for myself. My parents led a double life. In their upper middle-class respectable existence, my physical needs were met. The life that my mind kept hidden from me included food deprivation and torture.

For me, Maslow’s triangle was upside down. I began to meet my higher needs before having the solid foundation that permitted me to process what happened to me as a child. I had the skills and connections by then to enable me to find a sense of community and family that did not include my abusers. My professional accomplishments gave me the confidence to make it on my own.

My safety needs were the last to be satisfied, partly because I had been drawn to men who, like my father, were untrustworthy. I finally feel safe in my own home. Jerry and I married ten years ago. We live in a house we easily can afford. The view from our deck fills me with joy daily. Creative activities, which are a form of self-actualization, absorb a large portion of my time.

Rather than an upside-down or a right-side-up triangle, my process of remembering has consisted of lines that are far from straight. I still have new memories occasionally. Some are brutal, even in the midst of the good life that I now enjoy. To cope, I take good care of myself.

I have a pajama day, indulge in long baths, relax my body with yoga and massage, dance, journal, and hike alone or with my husband. At the same time, I remember myself as the child who did not have these opportunities.

I do not push myself to remember. I am fine with unclear memories. I do not need all the details. The only memories that I need are those that will help me or another person.

While I celebrate everyone’s path to recovery, I am glad mine included delayed recall. I do not know how I would have survived my childhood without it, but it did more than save my life. Delayed recall allowed me to have a life worth living.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mary Knight, MSW, experienced various forms of child sex trafficking, sometimes in her own home. Her parents were her pimps. Knight’s current life is filled with safety, love, joy, and children. Happily married, she is a child advocate, a foster parent, and a grandmother. Knight lives in Bellingham, Washington. She can be contacted by email or through Facebook. Her memoir My Life Now: Essays by a Child Sex Trafficking Survivor is available through Amazon, and can be ordered from any independent book store. Her films are all free on Mary’s YouTube channel.

SUPPORTING

SURVIVORS

RESOURCES: BOOKS FOR ADULT SURVIVORS

Beyond Surviving: The Final Stage in Recovery from Sexual Abuse by Rachel Grant. Author Rachel Grant brings to the table a passionate belief that you do not have to remain trapped or confronted daily by the thoughts or behaviors that result from abuse. Through her own journey of recovery from sexual abuse, she has gained insight and understanding about what it takes to overcome abuse.

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk M.D. Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, uses recent scientific advances to show how trauma literally reshapes both body and brain, compromising sufferers’ capacities for pleasure, engagement, self-control, and trust. He explores innovative treatments—from neurofeedback and meditation to sports, drama, and yoga—that offer new paths to recovery by activating the brain’s natural neuroplasticity.

Forgiving The Nightmare, by Pastor Mark Sowersby begs the questions “How do you forgive when you’ve been wounded deeply?” “How do you move past the pain that keeps you up at night, leaves you isolated, untrusting, and afraid? How can you possibly forgive them, especially when they don’t deserve forgiveness?”

Glorious Awakenings, My Journey of God’s Healing by Chris Cline is about her journey of God’s healing from sexual abuse. It shares the abuse and the path she took to heal – God redeeming the pieces of her that were broken emotionally, physically, spiritually, and sexually. Chris says “It is a beautiful story of how Jesus saved me – how my journey healed me and brought me to a closer relationship with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.”

Healing My Life: From Incest to Joy by Donna jenson. A deeply personal story that explores the sexual violence Jenson endured at the hands of her father, the refusal of her family to acknowledge her pain, and a rocky escape as a teenager from the Midwest to start anew in sixties-era California. Jenson writes with her sense of humor firmly intact, reminding us that joy is possible in the face of great pain. Poignant, brave, and helpful, Healing My Life offers a much-needed testimony for anyone affected by childhood sexual abuse.

Healing Sibling Sexual Abuse: A Very Personal Story by Hannah Louise Cartwright RN, MA Memoir and self-help book for adult survivors of sibling sexual abuse written by a psychotherapist. Her book tells the personal story of recovering from sexual abuse at the hands of a sibling. Cartwright aims to help victims understand

the impact sibling abuse has on survivors, provides tools to help them begin their healing journey and emphasizing that survivors can leave the past behind and build happy lives ahead.

Healing Steps by Sharyn Higdon Jones: A Gentle Path to Recovery for Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse is a step-by-step guide to healing from the deep pain of early sexual abuse. Such profound abuse touches the core of a woman’s being: in unwanted memories, confusing feelings, distorted self-image, ongoing relationship struggles, and more. This frank and thorough book, written by a therapist who has, herself, survived sexual abuse, offers clear-eyed advice, stories of struggles and recovery, and exercises to guide you in y healing.

I Feel Real Guilty: A Memoir of Sibling Sexual Abuse by Jane Epstein I’m sorry for what I did to you when you were younger When Jane Epstein’s brother makes this confession, a tsunami

59

of memories floods over her. She remembers the years of sexual abuse at his hands. The pain. The shame.

Suffering from trauma few talk about, Epstein searches for solace in strip clubs and hotel rooms. She finds love, loses it, and loves again. Years pass before she dares to dive into the depths of her past. Only then does she begin to heal.

It’s a call to arms, an invitation to survivors to speak out and reclaim their power.

The Journey of the Heart by Anna Cley. From floating boxes to lifesaving riddles to an enlightened mirror, The Journey of the Heart is a timeless tale that speaks to the inner child in us all.

The Journey of the Heart offers heartfelt assurance that no matter what circumstances we are born into, our future is ours to write.

Darkness Behind by

This book helps survivors find the road to recovery and learn healthy practices that will lead to thriving, not just surviving.

Survivors of childhood sexual abuse can begin a recovery journey informed by accurate understandings, not myths, and empowered by processes that help them thrive. Written for men and women by an author who is herself a survivor, this guide tells the truth about what complex trauma means for your physical and mental health.

Loving My Salt Drenched Bones by Karo Ska. Karo Ska delivers an ensemble of poetic magic in her highly anticipated book, loving my salt-drenched bones. Ska’s mastery of emotional and interpersonal subject matter takes the reader on a journey into the bright side of darkness filled with love, heartache, joy, and the poetic tone that only Ska can manifest.

The MindBody Toolkit by Kim Deramo, D.O. Ten Tools to Instantly Increase Your Energy, Enhance Productivity, and Even Reverse Disease.

The MindBody Toolkit explains the science behind the mind-body connection and gives you 10 tools you can use anytime, anywhere to activate self-healing and awakening now!

Miss America by Day by Marilyn Van Derber. Former Miss America, Marilyn Van Derber, tells the story of how she was sexually violated by her father from age 5 to age 18. She was 53 years old before she was able to speak the words in public: “I am an incest survivor.”

Van Derbur describes in detail what specific “work” she did on her successful journey from victim to survivor.

Life

by Mary Knight A unique survivor memoir. Essays that range from heartwarming to brutal. Individual trigger warnings (TW) allow readers to practice self-care. Washington State native Mary Knight, MSW, experienced various forms of child sex trafficking, sometimes in her own home. Her parents were her pimps. Knight’s current life is filled with safety, love, joy, and children. Happily married, she is a child advocate, a foster parent, and a grandmother.

My Pain is My Power by Tanisha Bankston. Tanisha’s life changed before it began at the age of 5 or 6 years old when she was raped by a friend of the family and she wasn’t believed. The damage caused her to have to relearn how to walk. Her pain continued through adulthood before she could finally enjoy life.

Leaving

Elizabeth M. Altmaier.

My

Now: Essays by a Child Sex Trafficking Survivor

Shattered Innocence by Darlene J. Clark. Abuse happens too often. Back in the 1960’s, it was taboo to speak about this - especially the sexual abuse. “Shattered Innocence” takes us on Darlene’s journey of discovery and healing.

Sibling Abuse: Hidden Physical, Emotional, and Sexual Trauma Second Edition by Vernon R. Wiehe Often excused by parents as `kids will be kids’ behavior, sibling abuse remains largely unrecognized. Symptoms of such abuse and its devastating effects on victims go undetected, victims do not receive appropriate therapeutic intervention, and transgressors do not come to the attention of the courts.

Sibling Sexual Abuse: A Guide for Confronting America’s Silent Epidemic by Brad Watts. This book is written by a counselor who rehabilitates offenders. The author gives insight into sibling sexual abuse—the causes, the effects and the devastating statistics.

Thriving After Sexual Abuse: Break Your Bondage to the Past and Live a Life You Love by Denise Bossarte. This book is an eloquent and empathetic selfdevelopment book laying out a blueprint for survivors to heal themselves. Bossarte writes with fierce candor as she shares her own traumatic experience with childhood sexual abuse.

The Ugliest Word by Annie Margis tells the story of a little girl named Lark whose father is molesting her, as she navigates childhood, and the woman she becomes. An aspiring writer and artist, Lark’s spunk and creativity buoy her as the abuse progresses.

The Ugliest Word is for those who survived childhood incest and for everyone who loves a survivor, is friends with or works with one.

Victim 2 Victor by Anu Verma. This inspiring and brutally honest memoir details the struggle for survival and the search for healing and happiness. Raised in abuse and navigating through consequences, a young, broken soul finds the strength to embark on a journey to reclaim her self-worth. Her inspiring journey is a lifelong struggle to find self-worth on the ruins of self-esteem.

What Do I Do Now? A Survival Guide for Mothers of Sexually Abused Children (MOSAC) by Mel Langston PhD and Leona Puma. What do I do now? is a mother’s cry after she learns her child has been sexually abused. A mother’s belief in her child’s disclosure and her active support and protection after disclosure are essential to recovery from the horror of sexual abuse.

30 Days of Sex Talks for Ages 8-11: Empowering Your Child with Knowledge of Sexual Intimacy by Educate and Empower Kids. This is a series that helps you discuss sex education as a family. Having these talks with your child will establish a pattern of healthy conversations for the future. As you move through the discussions, these interactions will gain depth and your relationship will strengthen. Your child will become more comfortable talking to you about anything as he or she grows into the healthy, knowledgeable person he or she will become.

Cory Helps Kids Cope with Sexual Abuse First Edition by Liana Lowenstein This therapeutic story and collection of creative activities are designed to help children cope with sexual abuse and trauma. Therapeutic games, art, puppets, and other engaging techniques address the eight components of TF-CBT (TraumaFocused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). Includes a reproducible

BOOKS FOR KIDS

story, assessment and treatment activities, and detailed parent handouts. Geared to children aged 4 to 12.

Good Pictures Bad Pictures Jr.: A Simple Plan to Protect Young Minds by Kristen A. Jenson (Author), Debbie Fox (Illustrator) It’s not if our kids come across pornography, it’s when. This is a great book for parents to read to kids about why pornography can be harmful.

How to Protect Kids from Sexual Abuse: Body Safety Toolkit by Defend Young Minds. For parents and professionals. Help your child create a body safety plan and learn to recognize and report 3 “red flag” situations to stay safe. Every child deserves to be empowered with self-defense!

I Said No! A Kid-to-kid Guide to Keeping Private Parts Private by Kimberly King and Zack

King (Authors) and Sue Rama (Illustrator) Helping kids set healthy boundaries for their private parts can be a daunting and awkward task. Written from a kid’s point of view, I Said No! makes this task a lot easier.

Please Tell: A Child’s Story About Sexual Abuse (Early Steps) by Jessie Written and illustrated by a young girl who was sexually molested by a family member, this book reaches out to other children in a way that no adult can, Jessie’s words carry the message, “It’s o.k. to tell; help can come when you tell.

Repair for Kids: A Children’s Program for Recovery from Incest and Childhood Sexual Abuse by Margie McKinnon (Author), and Tom W. McKinnon (Illustrator) R.E.P.A.I.R is Recognition, Entry, Process, Awareness, Insight, and Rhythm. Enter a Six-Stage Program with your child to cross the Bridge of Recovery and make available a whole new world of hope.

Some Secrets Should Never Be Kept by Jayneen Sanders (Author), and Craig Smith (Illustrator). A beautifully illustrated children’s picture book that sensitively broaches the subject of keeping children safe from inappropriate touch.

Tootles the Turtle Tells the Truth by Lenell Levy Melancon. This is a lovely book that playfully walks a child through a story about someone scaring a child into not telling. The characters ask interactive questions at the end of the book to engage readers in a candid discussion of good, bad and scary secrets.

Ascend, a Zine for teen survivors of sexual assault and friends. Ascend supports young people who are survivors of sexual assault.

Caprice by Coe Booth, written with extreme sensitivity and honesty for middle-grade readers, is a painful but ultimately healing novel about finding support from your parents and friends, articulating your truth, and choosing your own path.

As Caprice tries to figure out her future, she is pulled back toward her past, and the abuse she endured from her uncle when she was little -- an abuse she’s never told anyone about.

BOOKS FOR TEENS

From acclaimed author Kate Messner comes Chirp, the powerful story of a young girl with the courage to make her voice heard, set against the backdrop of a summertime mystery.

When Mia moves to Vermont the summer after seventh grade, she’s recovering from the broken arm she got falling off a balance beam. And packed away in the moving boxes under her clothes and gymnastics trophies is a secret she’d rather forget.

Fighting Words by Kimberly Brubaker Bradley In this powerful novel that explodes the stigma around child sexual abuse and leavens an intense tale with compassion and humor, Kimberly Brubaker Bradley tells a story about two sisters, linked by love and trauma, who must find their own voices before they can find their way back to each other.

Ten-year-old Della has always

had her older sister, Suki. When their mom went to prison, Della had Suki. When their mom’s boyfriend took them in, Della had Suki. When that same boyfriend did something so awful they had to run fast, Della had Suki. Suki is Della’s own wolf--her protector. But who has been protecting Suki? Della might get told off for swearing at school, but she has always known how to keep quiet where it counts. Then Suki tries to kill herself, and Della’s world turns so far upside down, it feels like it’s shaking her by the ankles. Maybe she’s been quiet about the wrong things. Maybe it’s time to be loud.

It Happened on Saturday by Sydney Dunlap. Thirteen-year-old Julia would much rather work with horses at the rescue barn than worry about things like dating and makeup. But when her BFF meets a boy at camp, Julia’s determined not to get left behind. After a makeover from her older sister, she posts a picture of herself online and gets a comment from Tyler a seemingly nice kid who lives across town. As they DM more and more, Julia’s sure that Tyler understands her in a way her family never has. Even better, their relationship earns her tons of attention at school. Then Julia finds out Tyler’s true plan…

Let’s Talk About It by Erika Moen and Matthew Nolan. The Teen’s Guide to Sex, Relationships, and Being a Human. Inclusive, accessible and honest graphic novel guide to growing up, from gender and sexuality to consent and safe sex. Perfect for any teen starting to ask questions.

The Secrets We Keep by Cassie Gustofson In the vein of The Way I Used to Be and Kelly Loy Gilbert’s Conviction, this “exceedingly well-written, powerful, and suspenseful” young adult novel follows a girl’s struggle to reconcile friendship, sexual abuse, and the secrets we bury deep down inside to survive.

High school freshman Emma Clark harbors a secret—a secret so vile it could implode her whole world, a secret she’s managed to keep buried…until the day her best friend, Hannah, accuses Emma’s father of a heinous crime.

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ONLINE SUPPORT

ONLINE SUPPORT GROUPS FOR SURVIVORS:

1 in 6 sponsors free anonymous chat-based support groups for male survivors of sexual abuse seeking a community of support. Sessions are offered Monday through Friday. These written chat (no audio or video) groups focus on education and mutual support for males and are facilitated by a counselor.

5Waves promoting Worldwide Awareness, Voice, Education, and Support around Sibling Sexual Trauma—child sexual abuse caused by a sibling.

Defend Young Minds We call it “digital self-defense.” Let our bestselling books, curriculum, guides and newsletter help you raise empowered, resilient, screensmart kids.

Exodus Cry is committed to abolishing sex trafficking and breaking the cycle of commercial sexual exploitation, while assisting and empowering its victims.

Healing PTSD Naturally Kathryn Berg, of Lotus Homeopathy offers support on Facebook for people who suffer from PTSD to help them discover natural methods of dealing with PTSD, no matter what the cause. This group supports all trauma not only sexual abuse survivors.

HelpRoom Offered by 360 Communites an affiliate of RAIIN, HelpRoom is an anonymous online group chat option that allows members of the community who have been affected by sexual violence to connect with one another. Trained staff facilitate group discussions to ensure a safe environment for all visitors to discuss topics and experiences related to sexual violence.

Hidden Water Healing Circles meet weekly — either in-person or online — and are designed to enable participants to find the growing edge of their healing alongside others who have had similar experiences with childhood sexual abuse.

Incest AWARE is a group for those working to end incest and help survivors of incest abuse to heal.

Isurvive is an online abuse survivor support group. Their forums/chat rooms are open to adult survivors and their loved ones seeking to heal from all forms of abuse including sexual, physical, verbal, emotional and ritual.

Jane Epstein is a website and blog for sibling sexual abuse survivors.

The Lamplighter Movement is dedicated to recovery from incest and child sexual abuse. They have chapters located throughout the US that organize groups for survivors.

National Association of Adult Survivors of Child Abuse NAASCA has a list of recovery groups and services worldwide for adult survivors of abuse, including incest. Their online daytime recovery meetings are an open discussion forum about child abuse trauma and recovery and are hosted by volunteer members.

NSVRC (National Sexual Violence Resource Center) has compiled a list of linkable websites and resources offering support and help for survivors, which includes links to support groups.

Sexual Assault Advocacy Network (SAAN) Facebook Group was founded to support the people who support sexual violence survivors. Their active Facebook group connects survivoradvocates who are working to support other incest and other sexual abuse survivors, change policy and raise awareness.

RAINN’s National Resources for Sexual Assault Survivors and their Loved Ones resources and references.

SiblingsToo Podcast The voice of sibling sexual abuse survivors and their families. Reducing stigma with heartfelt stories and real science.

Survivors Of Childhood Trauma is a friendly Facebook group that offers help and advice to fellow survivors from all walks of life.

Survivors of Incest Anonymous (SIA) is a 12-step recovery program for adult survivors of incest. They offer a range of peersupport groups including virtual, phone and in-person – all free of cost. Their website also contains resources and information of interest to incest survivors.

Tail of the Bell is geared toward adult survivors of incest. It will soon be offering peer-to-peer incest survivor facilitated groups called YANA. Participants will become members of small groups of 6-8 survivors maximum who will meet weekly in a virtual space to offer mutual support and guidance.

Wings Support Groups offers a variety of virtual and in-person groups in the Denver Metro area. Wings supports adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse to live their fullest, healthiest lives as they speak about, heal from and thrive beyond CSA trauma.

SUPPORT FOR FAMILIES OF SURVIVORS

M*OASIS Support (Mothers* Of Adult Survivors of Incest and Sexual Abuse) is a resource website and blog for anyone looking to understand how to support a survivor of incest and sexual abuse.

StopSO Support for Families Online Group is a safe and supportive space for family members of a sexual offender or for family members of someone who is worried that they may cause sexual harm. (StopSO also provides services for those at risk of offending and concerned about their thoughts or behavior.).

SEARCHABLE DATABASE

Psychology Today’s website has a “Find a Therapist” directory of therapists, psychiatrists, treatment centers and support groups located throughout the US that is searchable by city or zip code.

NATIONAL RAINN Hotline: 800.656.HOPE (4673)

Live Chat 24/7

Crisis Text Line: Text “START” to 741741 Rain Website

National Domestic Violence Hotline: Select “chat now” Or call 1.800.799.7233 (If you’re not alone text LOVEIS to 22522) NDVH Website

COLORADO

CCASA Hotline: 800.799.SAFE (7233) CCASA Website

Advocate Safehouse Hotline: 970.285.0209

Response Hotline: 970.925.7233

Response Website

Colorado Crisis Services: 844.493.TALK (8255) Text TALK to 38255 4 pm – 12 am 7 days a week

Voices Heard shatters the long held silence of sexual abuse survivors through story-telling and expressive arts.