18 minute read
SHATTERED
By Heather
I am here to say the silence must end because it is further destroying the lives of survivors along with the ones who harm
Hi, I am the proud mother to Brooke, a brave young lady who found her voice, who also recently shared her own article titled “Indestructible” about being a teen survivor of Sibling Sexual Abuse.
We are both working together to raise awareness about sexual abuse that can happen between siblings. We are sharing our stories along with our Victim Impact Statements to help other victims along with families that have decided to take the route of criminal justice. I want to be a voice as a parent to create change in many ways, including to help lower the rates of teen suicide and increase awareness by creating conversations around this often-difficult subject. Most people find this conversation too hard to discuss and would rather stay silent due to the embarrassment and shame that is associated with it. I am here to say the silence must end because it is further destroying the lives of survivors along with the ones who harm because of the lifetime of suffering sadly.
As a parent you would never think that something like this could happen in your own home, that you shouldn’t have to worry about the dangers of family members especially their own sibling
Disclosure And The Days Afterward
When my fifteen-year-old daughter disclosed on May 31st, 2023, about what had been happening to her, I felt my heart shatter into a thousand pieces.
I had no idea, as a mother, I had horrible remorse for missing the signs. How does one ever begin to forgive yourself when your main mission as a parent is to protect your children at all costs. I do not know if I will ever be able to get past the anger I have at myself, but I continue to work on self-forgiveness daily. As a parent, you have hopes to see your children grow up close as siblings, that they will create one of the strongest bonds in a family while transitioning into adulthood. I knew in the moment of disclosure our lives would be changed forever. After my daughter shared the details of the abuse, I had to do whatever was needed to protect her moving forward.
You never envision yourself on a journey of something this gut-wrenching, I knew my daughter needed justice and my son, twenty-one at the time, wanted to make sure she received it after he admitted to everything.
This was the day I had to find the courage to advocate for my children in vastly different ways, including writing a Victim Impact Statement to speak about the crimes that were carried out against the victim but also acknowledging my son needed help for his addiction issues within six months.
My son admitted to being in a dark place from viewing years of sexually explicit material online from a young age which led him on a path of destruction.
As a parent you would never think that something like this could happen in your own home, that you shouldn’t have to worry about the dangers of family members, especially their own sibling, but sadly we are living in a much different world and our children have way too much access to the Internet now days which had always worried me. I always felt, as parents, we had a good set of rules for our son when it came to technology, specifically his cell phone, and video games with time limits, and parental controls. I tried to check his browsing history weekly but now I accept it was not enough as he still found ways around it all. We are raising our children in a time when it takes both parents working and some of us are working multiple jobs. Life is busier for families than it has ever been, but we also must do our diligence in guiding our children with Internet safety. We must also educate our children on the fact that they will encounter sexually explicit material online at some point and how they should navigate these situations while keeping the conversations age appropriate.
I know this is a very personal decision for each family in how they decide to proceed after disclosure.
Parents need to be more open with conversations when it comes to sexuality and answering those tough questions. I was one of those conservative parents who dreaded those talks and wanted to rush through it, discussing the bare minimum. We need to be more proactive with properly educating our children, so they do not turn to the Internet for searches on sexual education that leads them down a dangerous path. How many parents can say they honestly closely monitor their teens’ phones, searching their history and using the proper parental controls? We all know children can be very sneaky and obsessive compulsive over their phones and other electronics. The access children have right at their fingertips to access pornography seems to be a contributing factor to the increased incidents of SSA and other forms of CSA being reported. Studies show that most adolescents will have viewed some form of pornography by the age of twelve-thirteen if not even younger due to influences such as peers, and normal adolescent curiosity which can lead them down a very destructive road like it did for my son.
I remember in the hours after disclosure desperately searching the web trying to figure how this could have happened and came across interviews on YouTube with a licensed therapist by the name of Brad Watts who was working with teen offenders in a treatment center. I also learned of his book Sibling Sex Abuse: A guide for Confronting America’s Silent Epidemic. I immediately downloaded his book and completed it within less than a week. I called my son to ask questions about many of the things mentioned in the book. I asked him if someone ever abused him inside or outside of our home, he immediately said, “mom, I promise I have never been sexually abused that I remember.”
From that point on I continued to bring up my concerns over how frequently he seemed angry toward his sibling and how they argued daily for several years. He would say awful things to her at moments.
I remember reading in the book that emotional abuse is highly associated with sexual abuse happening due to the offending child having guilt as Brad Watts mentioned. I also remember coming across a portion of the book discussing the concerns over child access to pornography as a major contributing factor to the increased incidents of sex offending in adolescents. That was when I knew what may have caused my son to conduct the abuse. My next question to my son was regarding my concerns that he had a pornography addiction. At first, he tried to deny it but when I mentioned the fact that none of this made sense since he was telling us that he had not been harmed by anyone, that there had to be a contributing factor. He eventually admitted that he was addicted, and during that same conversation, had been viewing it since the age of eleven.
The past crimes that were committed against her have destroyed her trust in everyone, which is very disheartening.
This was also in the moments before he turned himself in to our local police department. At the time right after disclosure, he had been staying with family in a nearby town. I ended up calling him that morning to ask if he was ready to talk further and turn himself over to the police. He was, so we met at a local restaurant. I had a chance to find out about the pornography addiction severity, told my son I was going to be there to support him through all this and that I would go to the police station with him. He was crying hysterically and kept apologizing to me, I was also in tears through all of this. I was hurting for my son that he was too embarrassed to ever tell me he had urges against his sister and had become addicted to pornography in the first place. I remember telling him all I wanted was to get him help but that since he and his sister had both reported this crime to us that we had an obligation to report it to the police. We went to the police station; my son provided his statement telling them everything he had already told us. I also had to provide a statement. The investigating officer along with CPS decided against detaining him that day. He was advised by the investigator that the investigation would take a few weeks and to expect his arrest within 2-3 weeks.
We both left there knowing what lay ahead. It was an exceedingly long road to recovery for himself and making sure his sibling received justice and would be able to begin her recovery.
I wrote my Victim Impact Statement to reflect on the pain I felt knowing that my daughter’s innocence was taken I voiced concern about how my son would have to face the lifelong impacts of his decisions. This happened during a time after my husband was hurt at work, resulting in a major amputation of his hand. I had to pick up a second job for a few years to help with finances which my daughter discussed in her statement. My son would wait to carry out the sexual abuse until everyone was asleep as this seems to be the case in many of these unfortunate harmful events.
I know this is a very personal decision for each family in how they decide to proceed after disclosure. For some families, it may be therapy and a treatment center for the offending child. For our family, justice was the route we decided to pursue, and my daughter is in a place of healing now due to having the chance to be heard during her sibling’s sentencing. Please read on to see how I supported both children in my Victim Impact Statement.
HEATHER’S IMPACT STATEMENT
I have written this impact statement to bring forth a different view as the parent of a victim and offender of sibling sexual abuse.
As a mother, to see the victim, my daughter, most days battling through feelings of worthlessness, depression, and thoughts of self-harm has been unbearable.
The past crimes that were committed against her have destroyed her trust in everyone, which is very disheartening. She went through many years of questioning her own sexuality and how she identified, due to these heinous acts that occurred over a 5-year period. She now realizes that the abuse caused her confusion. Her school grades suffered, she attempted to run away to escape her abuser, my son, one night. There were many nights she dealt with insomnia due to her worries of the abuse that could happen after her parents fell asleep. She has been hospitalized twice within a 3.5-year period due to depression, suicidal ideation, PTSD, and other diagnoses from the impacts of the offender’s sexual and mental abuse.
I lost my loving daughter through it all, a girl with the biggest heart ever. She was a completely innocent 11-year-old “child” when my son decided to start grooming and using coercion to commit these crimes against her. When you raise your children, you have hopes that your son will always offer a normal sibling relationship and protection for that younger child. My son destroyed our family bond, broke our family apart, and caused what has felt like a death of both of my children, in some ways. My daughter will never be the same person she was no matter how hard she emotionally pushes to get back to that place. My son will have to deal with the consequences of his poor decisions for the rest of his life too and continue to battle depression himself.
What hurt me most was the fact he knew she had been diagnosed with adhd and high functioning autism and he saw this as an opportunity to abuse her in the first place with hopes she would not tell anyone what had happened to her because he knew she always adored him.
I lost my loving daughter through it all, a girl with the biggest heart ever. She was a completely innocent 11-year-old “child” when my son decided to start grooming and using coercion to commit these crimes against her.
My daughter had always sought out her brother’s attention from a young age but eventually came to the realization that he was only hurting her. I never as a parent thought I would have to encounter something so heart wrenching as this disclosure. What happened to the victim was premeditated and my daughter will unfortunately have to deal with the life-long psychological impacts from this abuse.
With all this being said I do, however, feel that the offender, my son, does deserve advocacy from his mother also, in hopes that a portion of his sentence could include some time at a facility that specifically includes treatment for sex offenders and addiction issues such as pornography. I would like to see the offender receive an extensive and aggressive treatment program for sexual offenders with hopes that he would never re offend again. My son has acknowledged that he had developed a severe addiction to viewing pornography for many years and eventually carried out those acts against the victim. I do feel the offender does need to serve time for the lifetime damage that my daughter, the victim in this case, will have to endure.
I will continue to help her find herself again and to come away from this stronger.
I am also hopeful my son will be able to recover from his addiction and move forward in life; to come away from this stronger one day without any urges to ever hurt another.
Unfortunately, we are living in a time when sibling sexual abuse is increasing, with the statistics showing that 1 in 25 children are being affected now.
Our world needs change for teen accessibility to the dark web and Internet in general.
I hope to help bring forth change to keep other families from this pain. I have decided to move forward in advocacy work to help others and one day hope that all the members of my immediate family can stand behind this movement for change.
Moving Ahead On Our Path To Trauma Healing
It has been about two months since the sentence happened. We are finally transitioning to a phase of calm, no more feelings of fight or flight mode that we felt for the last ten months with the court proceedings.
My daughter received the justice she needed to begin healing from her trauma for which I am beyond relieved. I can see how she is working to find herself and this is such a wonderful feeling as a mother. We have shared many tears together as a family and are discussing how this impacted my spouse and I also during therapy sessions. My family is still figuring out our new normal after all this has happened. I do not want other families to feel alone through the disclosure process, coming to terms with what has been discovered and the legal processes if a family decides to pursue that route. For a family, especially the parents trying to find a way to support the victim and offending child is something no parent should ever have to encounter. This is something that can shatter you to the core, making you question how you will ever recover but I want you to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
There are days I read research regarding the rates of recidivism in youth being extremely low and I question things with the way these cases are managed by our judicial systems. I feel change needs to happen in the way these cases are approached and the outcomes especially when the offending begins in adolescent years. Yes, a child knows right from wrong, and my son knows what he did was wrong.
As parents we also must acknowledge the dangers of the Internet and how the pornography industry is grooming our youth. Please conduct your own research on causes working to raise awareness such as the Exodus Cry Movement who are implementing new laws when it comes to youth accessibility for pornography with proof of age verification. I have also read on what other countries such as Australia are doing, and it gives me hope that North America along with other countries will follow suit at some point to see if this could be a medical treatment versus criminal charge in certain cases and possibly even allow reunification if the victim and family decide this is a route they are open to discussing. I am not saying this should be the process for all cases but with time and enough studies shedding light on certain contributing factors maybe this will help to have these cases evaluated and tried differently.
Most importantly please remember your family and children need you no matter how difficult things are at the moment. Things will be different moving forward, you will have to feel out building new relationships with each of these children. Holidays will be incredibly difficult, especially with the changes, but you will find a way to push through and create new memories. I want you to remember to first and most importantly to believe the victim. You should also know the offending child is dealing with conflicting emotions and needs support through all of this. I want you to remember to be kind to your spouse or the other parent involved as they are also processing this devastating disclosure. Take time to care for yourself through all this, find a qualified therapist who is comfortable with getting uncomfortable with these hard to discuss topics and willing to listen without judgment.
Parents must continue to be there for our children through this very turbulent time. Without our support they will not be able to start the road to healing.
I am just beginning my journey in raising awareness as a parent because I do not want to see other families impacted in such a way. To see the pain my daughter will struggle with for the rest of her life hurts so much and I would give anything to take it all away. My son is hurting too for the damage he now knows he caused her along with our entire family. My son admits that pornography destroyed him to the point that he almost ended his own life one night. I remember the moment he told me about this information in the hours before his arrest. He wanted to pray together to ask God to please forgive him for his sins and he kept telling me he did not feel worthy of forgiveness no matter how much I reassured him that God was forgiving.
When you have a lived through a real-life nightmare such as this it becomes your driving force to fight for change and I will not stop until we are saving lives no matter the age, my daughter and I will continue to do our part to create change in the world along with conversations surrounding SSA.
I ask that if you read this article to also consider following these: ORGANIZATIONS AND WEBSITES FOR ADDITIONAL INFORMATION. 5Waves Organization
Jane Epstein, TEDx speaker and author of I Feel Real Guilty The Nancy Morris website for the SiblingsTooProject and podcast Exodus Cry
How to defend your children against pornography books and educational tools Defend Young Minds
About The Author
Heather is a mother to two children as mentioned above who she loves equally. She works in the healthcare industry as an insurance specialist/ medical biller. In her time outside of work she likes to spend time with her family and dogs hiking. She also enjoys taking time to journal, meditate, and work out several days a week. She enjoys doing any type of artistic activity such as painting and acrylic pour sessions. She is a survivor of child sex abuse herself that happened by friend’s family member. She plans to continue to support her daughter in her journey to raising awareness of SSA.
