Reverse Curve

Article by: Angel Grace Armea | Artwork by: Venessa Mendoza

I used to believe that each people we meet along the way will always play a significant role in our life – maybe a life-changing one. This is to say that every person we get in touch with leaves imprint in the blank part of our lives.

Sitting at the bench while waiting for my phone to beep, I watch people pass by. Exhausted, I opt to lean on its back rest, making it more comfortable for me. This place is not perfect place to breathe normally (and healthily) since, this seat is at the side of the highway where people, vehicles, balut vendor and pass by sideways and what circulates in the air is the carbon dioxide and carbon monoxide and other hazardous gases that had dominate the oxygen coming from the trees and plants. Although this is not an ideal place to wait and to deal with what I have to deal in my boring and long-hour stay in our OJT (On-theJob Training), where I feel like the program that took is Bachelor of Science in Photocopying and Stapler Management, I don’t have any choice but to drag myself here, maybe just to feel like I’m alive and really kicking. It’s been half an hour since I came here. I have seen how many times the vehicle came back and forth as he fetches passengers at the TODA few meters away from my seat. There were couple, group of peers and others who just merely walks till they reach their respective destinations. As for me, I’m not aware where my real destination is or whether I still have a purpose in life. Geez it’s kinda dramatic ‘ya know. ***

For the first time in three months, I have realized that I have to go home. I’m a student and at the same time a dweller of time who believes that the exact time always have an extension before it finally declares that it is already the time and this is the reason why I always attend my classes late in almost all subjects yet, still grateful. In my entire stay away from our house I have never received any message from my parents, like “How are you? Are you eating well? Do you need anything?” and yeah I envy my board mates that gets irritated whenever their mother chats or call them almost from time-to-time just to check them up. They’re lucky to have such considerate and loving relatives. I packed my things and walked all the way to the waiting area for the vehicles with a route going to our house’s location.

I knocked several times on the door, no one’s answering. Again, I knocked till the door inside the house slammed.

“Sino ba kasi ‘yan?!”

As she opened the door, I saw her face soured.

“Bisa po Ma,” I get her right hand on slightly bumps my forehead to her forehand. She grabbed it immediately and making me a little bit left hanging.

She turned her back and walks till she reaches the sofa and sits, staring again to the television(TV), I close the door as I walk towards her. I looked at her, maybe she was just really tired. Yeah, she’s tired that’s why she acted that way. There’s nothing wrong, yeah there’s nothing. I’ll just convince myself that it is

fine. No how are you, no hug and even a welcoming smile. It’s totally fine.

“Ba’t nandito ka pala, anong kailangan mo?” she blurted, still staring at the TV screen.

I smiled, bitterly. I am supposed to utter, “I’m here because I miss my family’s presence, especially you Ma,” but I can’t. There’s a queue of plemn in my throat, making it hard to speak anything. I actually missed everything here at home, the sofa, the kitchen where I used to cook my favorite pancit canton and eats on the pan, standing in front of the sink right after cooking. I missed how she scolds me whenever I go out without any permission from her. I am missing this home all throughout the time away from our house. But it seems like it does not feel mutual at all.

Instead of answering her question, I just smiled at her.

“Ba’t ‘di ka sumasagot diyan?”

“Alam mo ga kung ika’y namatay na laang ako’y matutuwa pa hindi ‘yong may pagpapakita ka pang nalalaman dine.” Then she stands up and walks her way towards me.

This time my heart feels like it is being squeezed and my breathing began to get tight and tighter. ***

It’s been few hours, my intestines are grinding yet, unfortunately, it does not have anything to grind within since I have not eaten anything. I am still at the same seat. Waiting for a message but nothing comes on hand. Bunch of students passed by and teasing each other as they walk and one of them looked at me. I lowered my head and stared at a stone on the ground. I kind of feel awkward and my heart feels like it is on a race whenever someone accidentally or on purposely looked at me. ***

Way back last semester, I know how dedicated I am to the student publication (before I proceed to my OJT). I used to call it as home, the pub, since I don’t have anyone backing me up all throughout my existence. Whenever I go home, I just get some of my stuffs and instantaneously leaves to go back at the office. Although I’m not a people person and I never been in touch with anyone aside from my family, somehow, I have learned to consort with the members. I don’t consider myself as an introvert person all I know is I’m a lazy speaker and I mostly prefer a two-to-three-worded answers. However, when I was in the pub, I feel like I’m a months-old baby who just learned what speaking is and most especially I got to laugh despite how problematic the situation is.

I learned to laugh with anyone by throwing jokes whereas, I only show my funny side with them. I never did it at home or with any of my classmates since I’m not really into people. I embrace every member’s attitude in the hope

that they have embraced mine already. Maybe I’ve been in love with the pub, its people, the ambiance of our office with dirt, dust, the rotting smell of food leftovers and the fan-like air conditioning unit. Everyone’s welcoming, I love their smiles, their laughs and even the korni jokes. I learned how to love in a different way, where I appreciate people surrounding me and even the place and the personal computer (pc) I face every single day. Somehow, I don’t know what will happen if I lost the grip on this contentment I’ve been into.

One time, I have to leave at the office to go home. As I reached the house, my sisters and even mother who is a workaholic one, sitting at the sofa. Everyone’s gathered in the house for the first time as I scan them, there’s someone missing.

We’re five in the family and my third sibling used to escape from home since my parents are very strict in terms of curfew, having boyfriends and others. And now, she did it once again. I sat along with them as they create different hypotheses where that girl went.

“Nakita raw nina Aling Ruby na may kasamang lalaki a,” my brother said as he sips on his mug. This isn’t the first time she flew away because of a guy. Few hours later, she came.

“O anong meron?” she naively says as she comes near where I seat.

‘Pag wala ako, ako pinaguusapan niyo? Mawala-wala lang ako hahanapin niyo na ako, para kayong mga t*nga diyan e”

“Bastos ka!” I shouted as my hands balled into fist. My mother’s about to stand but I saw in my peripheral that my brother halted her to do so.

“Hindi, mas bastos ka! Ikaw nga lumalayas ng bahay kung saan-saan nagpupunta pero pinipigilan ka ba? Hindi! Ta’s ako? Inaano ko kayo? Ang kakapal ng mukha niyo!”

My right hand automatically landed on her cheeks, making her pale face turn red. No matter how I care for her, her act will never be acceptable. I love her but—

Her eyes fiercely stared at mine and my mother went on her caressing her face and uttered sorry. On the other hand, after slapping her hard, my thighs terribly shake so as my hand that is already numb.

I sat on the sofa as I cannot tolerate to stand any longer. My mom keeps on apologizing to her because she knew that she will run again and in the fear of losing her, my mom is the one who adjusts on her attitude even it stinks. I still feel my thighs that is still shaking because of the anger. I massage it yet later on, I felt my head hurt suddenly. Liquid runs down from my temple to my cheeks. I wiped it and as I face my palm, it’s already wet and smells like corroded metal. I looked behind and saw my sister smirking. As I gaze down, she’s holding a stone on her right hand.

“Mas mabuting mamatay ka na lang, matutuwa pa kami. ‘Wag mo nang ipilit

ang sarili mo dito kasi ‘di ka naman mahal nina mama, walang may pake sa’yo dito,” she says while staring blankly at me. Those are the words I heard before my eyes shut.

Upon opening my eyes, I saw a dextrose attached on my right hand. It kinda hurt whenever I move. But what hurts more is when I woke up, I only saw a guy on his white lab gown. No pub-mates. No family member. Only myself. ***

I hold my phone’s grip as I strangle from my mom’s hands that are now wrapped around my neck s tight.

“Dapat mamatay ka na!” she shouted I have been with people who never ever showed even a drop of caring. I don’t know why it has to be this way when in fact, it’s not my fault to that I turned as this kind of person. I didn’t turn into someone who is likeable by anyone. Hence, no matter how I tried to love people around me, if they don’t like me as a person it will never turn it the way I want it to be. After I was hospitalized, I just heard that my sister was hit by a car and later on, was found dead.

“Ikaw na lang sana namatay, you deserve it!” she keeps on tightening her hands on my neck till the air entering through my passage seems like narrowing. I’ve been holding her hand to loosen it but I can’t. Until I remembered that I’m holding a phone.

Later on, she’s already lying on the floor while bathing on her own blood. ***

“Finally you’re here! It already stinks at home,” I said as I stand up from the bench that’s already so hot.

“You did it again?” he asked while putting on his black hand gloves.

“It’s not me who killed my sister anyway, it’s your car,” I whispered. “And this time you gotta help me on this again.”

Vicious Circle By: Angel Grace Armea

I have shown my sides; My best and worst, Yet, as I give what I can give What you only do is you take things for granted, No appreciation No signs of gratification Then you dragged me from the peak Down to my lowest And almost cut me into pieces So I don’t have any other choice But to slit your neck Till Blood drips abundantly Down to your body And you slowly end up lying on the floor