Round About

Article by: Prince Vincent Cano | Artwork by: Paul John De Leon

Why do I keep on spinning at the same cycle of pain?

Revolving around the same old love?

Circling in never ending situation?

Everything seemed real.

Our intertwined hands, the taste of our kisses, and the sound of our laughter.

It was surreal as the nightmare in my inception.

I want to wake up. *** 2:11am

I woke up, blinded, inside a pitch-dark room. I couldn’t recognize whose room it was since there’s no light to distinguish what is what. But I know that I am alone.

Grasping a heavy air, I uttered, “Nasa’n ako?”

Out of nowhere, an unfamiliar memory projected in front of me.

It was me and Clarisse inside the car. My left hand was on the steering wheel while the other was holding her hand, intertwined. She was asleep. Her head was leaned against the window and her coke bottle eyeglasses were hiding half of her face but, it surely couldn’t hide her beauty, not from me. As I arrived at their house, I kissed her hand to signal a wake up.

“Gising na, Kleng.” I parted the hair on her face.

I slowly approached her lips with mine which really woke her up.

“Phil… ‘asa’n na tayo?” she scratched her eye and recognized the surrounding.

“Sige, bababa na ‘ko,” she opened the door and dropped off without even looking at me.

“I love-” the door shuts. I didn’t even know if she heard it or if she cares hearing it. Without saying goodbye, without respond on my kiss, without inviting me inside their house, she was gone before I realize it.

While driving back, tears couldn’t help to fall down on my cheeks. She has been like that for two weeks now. I don’t understand why she was acting that way. Did I do something wrong? We’ve been together for five years! Five f*cking years! What’s with the cold treatment? And those dead-fish stares?

“May iba ka na ba? Kailan pa!” I shouted as I hit the honk really hard.

I am panting while these thoughts are running stallion inside my head. Sniffs and snobs are resounding inside the car.

I tried to calm myself, deep exchanges of inhale and exhale. After a moment, I could still feel the snots coming out of my nose so I wiped it off and felt my mucus are drying out my throat. My right hand was reaching the water inside

my bag at the back seat. My attention was on the road but when my fingers couldn’t trace the bottle, I looked back for a second and…

I heard a loud screech – “F*ck! Cliché!” I cursed before everything went black. ***

June 27

“Oh, hell.” I whispered between my deep breaths as I open my eyes.

Everything was just a dream yet all of it seemed real.

When I look at the clock, it was already 5:58 in the morning – two minutes before my phone will alarm.

I stared at the ceiling for a minute-while thinking every detail of my nightmare, wondering that it could be a premonition. Or… as they say, the opposite meaning of your dream.

Clarisse and I are okay. I love her and vice versa. I couldn’t see the day when she would stop giving me affection. ♪ Se no!

Demo sonnan ja dame

Mou sonnan ja hora

Kokoro wa shinka suru yo

Motto motto ♪

My phone started ringing.

I took my boxers off and went straight to the bathroom. After a short cold bath, I dressed myself up and got my keys.

Thinking again about my dream, maybe that was just a product of exhaustion. Working on an 8am-5pm shift doesn’t really fit my body clock since I’m a night owl person.

I arrived at 7am in front of their gate and beeped two times to let her know I was here. I saw her waving at me, a beautiful smile is carved on her lips. “I love you, Phil. Good morning!” She was riding shotgun and gave me a kiss.

Both of us were only hired last month – me as business analytics officer and she, as IT engineer. We’re on the same company but different department.

The college life was hard but we both made it. In almost everything, we are witness to one another’s successes and failures – be it subjects, exams, problems, or anything. We’ve been together in the happiest and hardest times. We know each other more than our families. We spent the last five years, revolving around each other’s world.

I know her Hollywood crush, nastiest secret, weirdest fetishes, and the smell of her breath every morning. I imagine marrying and having children with her. She is my sea.

Inside the company, we take our breaks together so as coming and going to work.

I was about to go out since I already parked the car and have already turned off the engine when she grabbed my neck and gave me a passionate kiss. Without breathing, we stayed for 12 seconds. She would always bite my lower lip as a sign that it’s done.

“Hihintayin kita mamaya sa may ground floor.” I kissed her again, but a soft one. *** 12:13 a.m., same day

It was me and Clarisse inside the car. My left hand was on the steering wheel while the other was holding her hand, intertwined. She was asleep. Her head was leaned against the window and her coke bottle eyeglasses were hiding half of her face but, it surely couldn’t hide her beauty, not from me. As I arrived at their house, I kissed her hand to signal a wake up.

“Gising na, Kleng.” I parted the hair on her face.

I slowly approached her lips with mine which really woke her up.

“Phil… ‘asa’n na tayo?” she scratched her eye and recognized the surrounding.

“Sige, bababa na ‘ko,” she opened the door and dropped off without even looking at me.

“I love-” the door shuts. I didn’t even know if she heard it or if she cares hearing it. Without saying goodbye, without respond on my kiss, without inviting me inside their house, she was gone before I realize it.

While driving back, tears couldn’t help to fall down on my cheeks. She has been like that for two weeks now. I don’t understand why she was acting that way. Did I do something wrong? We’ve been together for five years! Five f*cking years! What’s with the cold treatment? And those dead-fish stares?

“May iba ka na ba? Kailan pa!” I shouted as I hit the honk really hard.

I am panting while these thoughts are running stallion inside my head. Sniffs and snobs are resounding inside the car.

I tried to calm myself, deep exchanges of inhale and exhale. After a moment, I could still feel the snots coming out of my nose so I wiped it off and felt my mucus are drying out my throat. My right hand was reaching the water inside my bag at the back seat. My attention was on the road but when my fingers couldn’t trace the bottle, I looked back for a second and…

I heard a loud screech – “F*ck! Cliché!” I cursed before everything went black. ***

July 11

♪ Se no!

Demo sonnan ja dame

Mou sonnan ja hora

Kokoro wa shinka suru yo

Motto motto ♪

My alarm woke me up.

Again, I dreamt of it. The nightmare that is slowly coming true.

I paused a moment to ponder what happened in the last one month. Ever thing fast forwarded to a time I wasn’t ready. Weeks had passed and I can tell that something’s going on. She has gone a little cold.

I arrived at 7am in front of their gate and beeped two times to let her know I was here. She came out and walked slowly towards my direction. Our eyes met and I can see on her face that as if seeing me is nothing new. She didn’t wave at me nor gave me a beautiful smile. “I love you, Kleng. Good morning!” She was riding shotgun and put her earphones on.

“Ibaba mo na lang ako sa west entrance. Hinihintay ako ni Kaye.”

So, I did.

“Sa kan’ya na rin ako sasabay ng lunch.”

At least she informed me before leaving.

She informed me. She did not ask me.

I stayed a little while after I dropped her to know who she is meeting with and to my surprise, this “Kaye” is dressed up and groomed like a man. Kleng was approaching Kaye and greeted each other with hugs like best of friends or maybe more than that.

My jaw clenched. Why didn’t she tell me about it!

In the afternoon, I received a text from Clarisse ---

Sasabay ako sa mga barkada ko pauwi.

Again, she just let me know.

I hate what I’m feeling right now. I hate that I’m not getting the treatment that I deserve. I am mad because I wasn’t used to this feeling. She changed, easily. In a span of a month, the fortress that we built on the sand was easily washed away by the ocean. Everything will be snapped as if nothing was ever built.

I have a feeling that if I would open to her what I saw earlier, it will spark a fight between us. But I have to know. I’m her boyfriend.

I texted her ---

Kitain mo ‘ko mamaya sa Southbox, Lifestrip. 9pm. Code owl.

We use codes using our favorite animals to weigh the degree of our conversation. Which could mean that it’s serious and we must come no matter what. Hers was owl and mine was koala.

I came one hour earlier than the agreed time. I had three bottles of light beer and munched the biased cut fried spice ham and cheddar cheese. 8:52 p.m., she texted ---

Andito na’ko. Sa’n kang banda?

I walked out the room and meet her at the receiving area.

We were both inside and there was no music in the karaoke.

“Phil… Ayoko na…” was the first thing she said when she sat down.

“Si Kaye ba?” I smirked. My grips are tightening around the neck of the bottle.

“SI KAYE BA?!” I burst out.

She nodded gently.

“T*NGINA! BAKIT NAMAN SA KAN’YA PA?”

“HINDI KO ALAM!” she shouted back at me.

“Husgahan mo na ko! Pero hindi ko rin alam!” she convicted as if she loves her.

“Alam mo namang matagal na kong hindi masaya sa’yo ‘di ba? Hindi na kita mahal.”

Selfish. I just couldn’t accept it. I didn’t know she wasn’t happy. I couldn’t believe she doesn’t love me.

“Isang buwan pa lang tayong nagtatrabaho, Kleng! gano’n na lang ba ‘yon?” I poured the beer in the glass calmly before I threw the bottle against the floor.

“Hindi ko sinasadyang magmahal ng iba,” she fearfully said.

“T*NGINA! HINDI SINASADYA? NAPIPIGILAN ANG KALANDIAN, KLENG!” I held the glass of beer tighter and tighter till it cracks.

“Patawarin mo’ko. Alam kong ako yung mali.” She was already crying and begging.

“Sa’langan namang ako… IKAW TALAGA!” the glass broke. Blood was covering my hand as the pieces of glass cut my fingers. It doesn’t hurt compared to what my heart suffers.

“Palayain mo na lang ako, please…” she begged.

Why would I? I love her.

How could I? It hurts.

“Ayoko…” I said to her as I howled loudly.

“Sinulot mo lang din naman ako sa tropa mo ‘di ba?” her tone changed. She

was feisty.

Why is she that aggressive to ask for freedom? Doesn’t she love me?

“T*ngina mo! Ang landi mo!” I easily regretted the words I threw at her. I wanted to rewind the drifting time. I wanted to beg her to stay. I wanted all of this to stop and never to play again.

“P*ta na kung p*ta! Hindi ako babalik sa’yo!” she slapped me hard. With her hands and with the truth. She slammed the door when she walked out. *** 3:02 a.m.

It was me and Clarisse inside the car. My left hand was on the steering wheel while the other was holding her hand, intertwined. She was asleep. Her head was leaned against the window and her coke bottle eyeglasses were hiding half of her face but, it surely couldn’t hide her beauty, not from me. As I arrived at their house, I kissed her hand to signal a wake up.

“Gising na, Kleng.” I parted the hair on her face.

I slowly approached her lips with mine which really woke her up.

“Phil… ‘asa’n na tayo?” she scratched her eye and recognized the surrounding.

“Sige, bababa na ‘ko,” she opened the door and dropped off without even looking at me.

“I love-” the door shuts. I didn’t even know if she heard it or if she cares hearing it. Without saying goodbye, without respond on my kiss, without inviting me inside their house, she was gone before I realize it.

While driving back, tears couldn’t help to fall down on my cheeks. She has been like that for two weeks now. I don’t understand why she was acting that way. Did I do something wrong? We’ve been together for five years! Five f*cking years! What’s with the cold treatment? And those dead-fish stares?

“May iba ka na ba? Kailan pa!” I shouted as I hit the honk really hard.

I am panting while these thoughts are running stallion inside my head. Sniffs and snobs are resounding inside the car.

I tried to calm myself, deep exchanges of inhale and exhale. After a moment, I could still feel the snots coming out of my nose so I wiped it off and felt my mucus are drying out my throat. My right hand was reaching the water inside my bag at the back seat. My attention was on the road but when my fingers couldn’t trace the bottle, I looked back for a second and…

I heard a loud screech – “F*ck! Cliché!” I cursed before everything went black. ***

August 13

The nightmare that f*cking came true.

Unlike the other times when I dreamt about that weird scenario, this particular morning, I want to go back to sleep. At least in that nightmare, I was holding her hand. I could still see her face. I could kiss her. This is the saddest wake up of my life. She wasn’t mine anymore.

Naisip ko lang… baka kaya patuloy ko lang siyang hinahatid sa panaginip ko, ay dahil sa iba talaga s’ya nakalaan. Habang ako, patuloy na umiikot ang mundo sa kanya.

I was wreck as Titanic on the days that followed.

I stayed at home for the whole week and never plan to come back at work. I don’t know the worse things I would’ve done to Kleng and Kaye. I am planning to gaze at the ceiling all day long. Where could I go? I had no destination. I couldn’t find an exit in crossing every labyrinth of my reality.

There’s no signal of love and life in every dead end.

August 31

It had been weeks since the last time I dreamt about the cursed loop tragedy.

I’ve already gone AWOL at work and now trying to fix bit by bit anything that can be mended: my unshaved beard, my dirty house, and my laundry that was piled for weeks.

But I guess my heart was out of option.

I am, for the nth time, staring again at the ceiling of my room when suddenly my phone beeped. I received a message from Clarisse ---

Usap naman tayo please. Nasa labas ako ng bahay n’yo. Dito na lang tayo mag-usap sa loob ng kotse mo. Code koala.

I usually park my car in front of our house so that I’m always ready for “on the go” moments.

Ayoko. --- Is supposed to be my message but deleted it and altered to --- Sige. Saglit lang.

She was there, standing and looking at my direction but instantly looked away when she saw me approaching.

I pressed the car key to signal her to get inside since it has been opened.

She got in first and when I sat down, she hastily mutters, “Pagsalitain mo lang ako, Phil. Makinig ka lang. Please.”

Demanding ka ghorl?

I just nodded.

She started by clearing her throat.

“Okay na ‘ko Phil, actually, I’m better. Desisyon ko yun. Sorry kung madidisappoint o na-disappoint kita pero, hanggang do’n na lang siguro talaga ‘yon. Alam ko na marami akong na-disappoint. Pero eto na yung part na nagdesisyon

na ako ng ako naman. Alam kong mali, pero lahat ng ‘to nangyare naman siguro ng may dahilan. Matagal na naman tayong may problema. Matagal na akong malamig sa’yo. Dumating lang siguro yung tamang time “siguro” na kailangan ko nang tapusin at ayokong mag-stay ng dahil sa awa. Parehas nating alam kung ano’ng reason kung bakit nangyare ‘to.

Kahit ako ‘di ko mapaliwanag sa sarili ko kung paano nangyare at umabot ang lahat sa ganito. Sobrang ngayon ko lang naramdaman ‘to Phil. Sa limang taon natin, hindi ko nagawang humanap ng iba o mag-entertain ng ibang lalaki na nag-attempt na ligawan ako kahit na “pogi” sila, wala pinili ko mag-stay. Pero ngayon, hindi ko alam kung bakit ko naramdaman ‘to. Di ko ma-explain pero dito ako mas naging okay at sobrang nagmahal. ‘Di ko alam. Alam ko pwede mong masabi na kaya ko tinapos o kaya ako nakipaghiwalay kase may iba na ako. Hindi. Matagal na talaga tayong hindi okay at alam mo na siguro yun. Dumating lang siguro sakin yung mga taong nakilala ko ngayon para matulungan akong makalaya sa’yo. For the better naman ‘to. Pero alam ko rin na kasalanan ko lahat kase napamahal na talaga ako sa iba. Siguro naiisip mo na hindi ako nag-iisip ng maayos o nadadala lang ako ng pangyayare. Para sa’kin, hindi talaga. Ngayon ko lang naramdaman lahat ng ganitong saya. Ang sarap lang talaga sa pakiramdam.

Sorry Phil kung nasaktan man kita pero this time kung marami ang nagsasabi na mali ako o mali yung mga desisyon ko, sige tatanggapin ko pero hindi ko lang talaga kayang maalis yung ganitong nararamdaman ko. Ang saya ko. Pasensya ha. Sa ngayon, kaligayahan ko muna iintindihin ko. Proud ako na minahal ko yung ngayon. Alam ko na mas pinangingibabaw ko yung pagmamahal pero hindi ko na alam kung paano na talaga mapipigilan kase umabot na sa pinakapeak na mahal mo na talaga yung isang tao. Umabot na rin sa part na na-wipe out lahat ng pinagsamahan natin. Alam kong maling-mali pero ganun na talaga nararamdaman ko. Hindi ko makontrol. Alam mo ba yun? ‘Yung parang kusa na lang talaga. Di ko talaga ma-explain pero ganun talaga. Sa ngayon, ang sarap lang talagang magmahal. Hindi ko na talaga makita na magiging tayo pa ulet. Hindi sa dahil masaya na ako ngayon pero hindi ko na kase talaga maramdaman na mahal pa kita. Alam kong limang taon tayo pero wala eh. Walang-wala na talaga akong maramdaman sa’yo. Dumating na rin sa part na mas ayokong masaktan yung ngayon kesa sa’yo. Alam kong sobrang mali ako at sobrang sama ko sa paningin mo ngayon. Pero ito na talaga ang desisyon ko. Hindi na mababago. Mali ba ang magmahal ng sobra? Sobrang tagal na naging tayo at naging loyal naman ako sa’yo. Ngayon lang ako nagkagusto sa iba at sobrang gustong- gusto ko pa.

Oo nagkagusto ako sa babae at nakaka-disappoint ‘yun dahil baka natapakan ang pride mo bilang lalaki. Pero ‘di ko masabe kung kanino ako magkakagusto. Hindi ko masasabi o masisigurado lahat ng mangyayare pero ginusto ko ‘to at ito ang nagpapasaya sa’kin ngayon. Why not ipaglaban kahit mahirap ‘di ba?

Ngayon lang ako nagkaganito na ipaglaban ang isang tao kahit hindi tama. Pero hindi ko kinahihiya kung anong nangyayare ngayon. Nalulungkot lang ako na kahit anong paglaban ko sa kanya hindi s’ya matanggap ng pamilya ko. Sana, sana magbago lahat ng pananaw ng tao. Kung para kami talaga eh ‘di kami talaga. Paalam pero wala akong pinagsisisihan.” I heard her shrieks between her words but I didn’t bother to look at her direction.

Silence.

An unbearable dead silence is echoing inside of my car, mind and heart.

I lost her the way I got her. SLUT. . . .

After roughly 10 minutes, I pulled myself together.

F*ck, why I couldn’t respond to everything that she said. Just any word will do. I’m trying to stay calm and not let my emotion get ahead of me but… just F*CK!

I realized that I’ve been biting my lip since she started talking. I wanted to rebut and ask her where she got the courage to tell me those!

As if nothing happened between us!

As if she was happier with finger than my d*ck!

As if it was easy to be happy as her!

As if I have no ego as a man!

There’s no speed limit in hoping that we could fix this but I’m furious right now. C’mon! Just spit any word. Maybe you can still win her back! C’mon, Self! Kiss her cheek with your palm. Maybe she was just dreaming and you need to wake her up.

C’mon, Self! Why do you still lover her in spite of what she said!

Why was she happy?

And I was not?

We’re only centimeters away from each other yet she’s a thousand mile farther. When I took a glance at her, she was already asleep.

It was me and Clarisse inside the car. My left hand was on the steering wheel while the other was holding her hand, intertwined. She was asleep. Her head was leaned against the window and her coke bottle eyeglasses were hiding half of her face but, it surely couldn’t hide her beauty, not from me. As I arrived at their house, I kissed her hand to signal a wake up.

“Gising na, Kleng.” I parted the hair on her face.

I slowly approached her lips with mine which really woke her up.

“Phil… ‘asa’n na tayo?” she scratched her eye and recognized the surrounding.

“Sige, bababa na ‘ko,” she opened the door and dropped off without even looking at me. “Goodby-” the door shuts. I didn’t even know if she heard it or if she cares hearing it.

I am panting while the thoughts of her are running stallion inside my head. Sniffs and snobs are resounding inside the car.

I tried to calm down myself. Deep exchanges of inhale and exhale. After a moment, I could still feel the snots coming out my nose so I wiped it off and felt my mucus are drying out my throat. My right hand was reaching the water inside my bag at the back seat. My attention was on the road but when my fingers couldn’t trace the bottle, I looked back for a second and… I realized this was it. The real nightmare. I guess this is the terminal – my exit. I hope I died in my dream long ago. I really do. I don’t want to wake up every morning knowing she’s not mine anymore. But this time, I know there’s no waking up.

It’s a cliché way to end my life, but it doesn’t matter.

I heard a loud screech before everything went black.

Where do I found myself back? By: Marie Dominique Oña

Within all those exit points

You can find me at the road Where we first meet our way

Because even on exits I can always find my way back to you.