I gave it a singular hard thought, and I’ve come to the conclusion that the there was only one person for me this year when things got tough. She was always there for me, and always helped me stay calm when I got stressed out. She never failed to make my day brighter. My sweet, sweet Morphine- how I long for you. Your touch would make the darkest day grow light. I cannot thank the surgeon enough for setting us up on our first date at the hospital, and would like to petition more handicappedaccessible infrastructure on campus, as it hurts to move my IV drip up and down the stairs.
Who is your Valentine’s day date?
Look, the only ones who are going to eat me out this Valentine’s Day are the cows, of which I have graciously bought from local non-GMO farmers. These cows need justice goddamnit! And the only way they’re going to get any kind of reparations is if I stage a large, nonviolent, openly sexual protest on UMSL campus. Valentine’s Day morning, join me for the “You Eat Me, I Eat You (Out)” protest, where participants are encouraged to dress up in cow costumes (or bull, we don’t discriminate) and fuck outsideon the lawn, where the giant herd of cows I purchased will be grazing. Bonus points will be given to protesters who never break character. I hope to see you all there!
Can I choose myself? Hey don’t boo me- that is a perfectly valid answer whether you like it or not. If it makes you feel better, maybe I can do a double date. That’s right- me, myself, and I will go on a date together with… you I guess. We need a 4th person.
Bob the Cat smokes Black Cat cigarettes! And so should your cat. Black Cat Cigarettes: The cigarette cats love!
UNIVERSITY MEADOWS APARTMENT BUILDING INVESTIGATED BY
CDC FOR NEW STRAIN OF AIDS: AIDS+
This Thursday the CDC took over investigations into an outbreak of a new STD AIDS+. AIDS+ is exactly likeAIDS except the victims also contracts Chlamydia, Genital Herpes, Gonorrhea, HPV, Pubic Lice, Syphilis, Blue Waffle, Crabs, Scabies, and UGLY. Besides the vagina/dick necrosis symptoms of AIDS+ it transmits throughthe air, the water, touch, and even time itself. On Tuesday University Meadows officials first started receiving complaints of a strangesmell coming from one of the apartments. They sent in local fixer/handyman/saint Jack. When we reached out for comment Jack said “well I have seen a lotttttttof shit here, both literal and figurative, but this was by far the worst thing I have smelled here and that is saying something! I unlockedthat apartment and BAM like a black wall of nasty I couldn’tbreathe, so I said fuck this shit and called the fire department.”The fire department found the decrepit body of a student in a state unlikeany they had ever seen before. They immediately called local medical authorities who shortly called the CDC after further investigation. Unbeknownst to Jack and the fire department they had stumbledupon patient zero of AIDS+, because they lacked the proper protective equipment/flamethrowers they contractedAIDS+ and are now deceased, their brave souls forever in our hearts. University Meadows workers sent out one of their weirdly ominous/passive aggressive texts saying to “STOP WATER USAGE IMMEDIATELY IN ALL BUILDINGS” and to “WEAR A GAS MASK TO ENTER YOUR APARTMENT”. Unfortunately,every buildingresident was already dead. Patient zero, supposedlycreated the super disease by contracting every STD known to man.
CDC officials are reporting that the entirety of UMSMELLS campus could be contaminated, along with everyone in it. CDC director Rochelle Walensky stated Thursday evening that the situation was a total loss: “My resolution?Airstrikes. Bomb them, bomb them, keep bombingthem, bomb them again, and again. There can be no survivors, no trace, otherwise the United States could collapseby Saturday, and then there would be no Superbowl. I hated that ugly campus anyway, why so many red bricks, greenish bluebuildings,and then a random ass glass pyramid.” Time is runningshort as Apache attack helicopters and F-15s circle campus. If it only wasn’t for that one unnamed individual/patientzero that created the disease.
Brain Stew is for sale! Put your advertisingdollars to work in Brain Stew!
Dear readers (and mouth breathers who only look at pictures),
It is with tremendous excitement that we bring you the newest chapter in the illustrious history of Brain Stew. We are for sale. To advertisers, that is. Dan’s never going to make back the $44 billion he printed on the ProHo copy machine to purchase this magazine. But he said that we could sell advertising or make counterfeit wallets in his basement, so that he could pay his “mortgage.” We aren’t sure what “mortgage” is code for, but it’s probably bad.
So, this is the first issue ever of Brain Stew with extensive corporate sponsorship. But don’t let that worry you. We would never sacrifice our editorial mission and values just to appease our capitalist overlords. You will, however, find many high-quality and exciting ads for a variety of excellent products inside this issue. And with inflation as it is, you might as well buy shit with your money ASAP. Every day you delay means less shit you can buy. No one likes that. So spend, spend, spend, we say!
Also, on a totally unrelated note, do you vape? Are you trying to quit? Are you bored with how easy it is to hide from your parents? Tired of all the fun flavors that were supposedly made illegal but still exist everywhere? We sure were! That’s why we started smoking. There’s less nicotine than in a Juul, and while that’s a drawback, the mellow flavor of plain tobacco and the cool mintiness of menthols more than makes up for it. And let’s face it. Did a foxy chick ever come up to you at PBR and ask to hit your vape? Nope! But will a foxy chick ask to bum a smoke? Or borrow your lighter? Hell yes! Also, you won’t have to bathe as much either, as the sweet aroma of cigarettes covers up all other smells. Yes, we know that the average Brain Stew reader only bathes two times per month. But that’s still like 30 extra minutes of your life back. Add that up over time (we’ll wait. We don’t have a calculator handy) and that’s probably like a year of time you’ve saved. Think about all of the cool people who smoked! Johnny Carson, Humphrey Bogart, Lucille Ball, Walt Disney… all of your heroes! Sure, they died of lung cancer, but that could have been genetics, car exhaust, or any of the other millions of terrible things that are filling the air you’re breathing right this very minute! Do yourself a favor and buy some cigarettes. There are a lot of good brands: Lucky Strike, Salem, Marlboro, Nico Time, and Black Cat, for examples.
Sincerely,
Josiah Ayres, Hannah Smid, Sydney Stark, and Abby Wall The Brain Stew editors
Want to advertise your goods or services in Brain Stew? We offer reasonable rates for full, ½, and ¼ page ads. We also offer celebrity endorsements from any celebrity with a picture available online. Contact us at Brainstew@umsl.edu to inquire about rates or to purchase your ad today!
Petition for Owen Ireton to move his motorcycle
out of my fucking parking spot
On behalf of building 3 of University Meadows hellscape apartments, Parking is torturous enough without a tent blocking prime time parking. If you are only going to use it every now and again like a toy, just get a dirt bike. It wouldn’t really be much different from that anyway!
I call for action from Meadows and propose a solution to two problems. We must outlaw all vehicles with less than four wheels from parking in the lot. That way, meadows could add a few more vacant RA parking spots to mock you as you pass by for a third time looking for a spot
~ The concerned tenants of building 3 ~
Parking at University Meadows was awful before I even bought my motorcycle. Now, I usually take two parking spots right in front of building 3. Why? Because I can. People also shouldn’t complain when they park like Helen fucking Keller and Meadows management likes to reserve parking spots for RA’s that don’t even have cars. It is what it is though because I usually have at least one vehicle right in front of my building.
No, I will not move my fucking motorcycle
Name:______________________________________
Address:____________________________________ ____________________________________ ____________________________________
*For your chance to win, attachform to proof of purchasefrom one pack of Salem cigarettes and mail to C109 Provincial House,1 University Blvd,St. Louis, MO 63121
Annual Hotdog Palooza Cancelled Due to Tragic Accident Tony
The Annual Hotdog Palooza was scheduled to take place on January 25th . The faculty decided not to postpone due to the weather, but that ended up being a tragic mistake on the part of the Dean. The hot dog delivery truck was on his way to deliver the delicious unidentified meat substances to the Millennium Student Center when, out of nowhere, an Ice cream truck came skidding through the intersection next to the parking lot ramming the side of the Hot dog truck. The hot dog truck started spinning around and around flinging the delectable wieners across the parking lot. It was really a sight to be seen. Several thousand wieners were sent flying through the air scattered throughout the parking lot and quickly freezing to the pavement. It was surprising how much of the parking lot was taken up by the frozen wieners. In my experience, wieners normally aren’t very big when they’re cold. Now, the event is cancelled, and faculty has to hire a wiener cleanup crew to come out to thaw the frozen wieners and begin the tedious process of removing them from the pavement. Stay tuned for statements from witnesses to this horrible event.
Therapy Dogs Run Amok on Campus
It’s that time of year again, finals time. And with finals week kicking off, the stress relieving therapy dogs were back on campus for students to enjoy adorable puppy cuddles, but this year ended a little differently than previous years. After one of the therapy dogs staff members put all the dogs up for their daily nap time, an animal rights extremist broke into the room they were being kept in and opened the door to “liberate” the dogs. All fifteen dogs ran out of the room and began running around campus. Chaos quickly followed with them peeing on cars, pooping in the hallways, chasing students across campus chewing up their notes. A couple of the dogs even found their way into classrooms in the middle of students taking their finals and began knocking over desks and chewing up students’ finals before they could turn them in. Finally, the therapy dog staff members and a couple of do-gooder students on campus were able to catch all the dogs and brought them back to the room. All of the dogs were so exhausted from their interrupted nap and impromptu adventure that they immediately fell asleep as soon as they were put back in the room. Needless to say, several students need therapy after the therapy dog fiasco. UMSL is offering counseling services for any student who feels they need it after the events of the day in the mental health services office without appointments necessary. If you have been negatively affected by the events of the day, please make sure to stop by for a therapy session to undue the trauma of our last therapy attempt.
The
House Times “All the News, Whether it’s Fit to Print or Not!” INSERT DATE, 2020 LATEEDITION TODAY: Your joke goes here! Blah blah blah blah blah COST: $4.20
Provincial
My Fry Cook
Immaturity at its best, A yellow sponge was my test. With a spatula he made magic, and that's when I knew it was a tragic.
No, I do not mean a sad story
I mean a drama that was filled with glory.
I pity the person who never watched such a tale
I think they should all be put in jail.
A dumb star, a mean squid, and Gary was his kid. I mean not to be menacing SpongeBob was always lessoning.
Who does live in the pineapple under the sea?
A hero in the eyes of me.
REF REPORT
All ofthe things in sportsthat have pissedme offor havebeendumbas hell
If youhad told me that the impractical jokerswereactually in Brett Maher’s ear duringthis game I would absolutelybelieve you.This manis payed to kick field goals and he missed FOURina rowfrom10 yards, in a playoffgame no less. This man missed onbothsides ofthe uprights, imagine overcorrectingwhenthereis NOWIND.
Dear Brett,
The NFLhas graciously given you little orangethings on topof the goal poststo tell you whenand wherethe windis blowing.Youare allowedto lookat them.If there is no windthen KICKTHE FUCKING BALL.
Sincerely, Someonewhois not a full blowndumbass
No lie I am a little worriedforthis man andhis family. The Dallas Cowboysshouldprobablylookinto protectivecustodyforhim because whenDallas inevitablyloses they will riot
“Our moms smoked Marlboros, and we turned out great!” –Brain Stew editors
POV: Harry Styles the homeless man and y/n
It was a dark and stormy night. Y/n was walking home from the nightshift as a waitress. Her dark blonde, purple, short but not too short, hair that was put into a messy bun was soaked and sticking to her face. Her blue, green, brown, orange, yellow, purple orbs were shining brightly like a cat in the dark stormy night. She clutched her jacket that protected her from the stormy night. She was walking past an alley when she heard the faint sharp inhale coming from it. She turned on her phone flashlight and shone it into the alley. The light hit a tall, olive skinned man, with dark curly hair that fell in his eyes and his green orbs shone bright and wide. His pupils were so huge that y/n could swim in them. “Can’t a man do cocaine in peace?” he exclaimed. Y/n was in love with this homeless man who loved cocaine in alleyways. “Who are you?” Y/n asked. “Harry Styles, love. I used to be famous.” Y/n was shocked she never heard of him. “I’m sorry I’ve never heard of you.” Y/n said. Harry stood up in shock. “I sang As it Was! I was the world’s favorite man!” Y/n tucked a piece of her hair back behind her ear. “I don’t listen to popular music. I’m just not like other girls.” Harry took her hands and made her stare into his bright green orbs. “I think I’m in love with you for that” he said and kissed y/n.
DO WE NEED A WHOLE MONTH FOR BLACK HISTORY?
The King VS The King
Bro can you stop paintingme as a white guy? How would you feel if you died for all of humanity and 2000 years later your friendsspreadmore mayonnaise on your face than… I don’t know man it’s just fucked up. It’s important to never forgetabout black history like you did mine- a lot of important shithappened so it’s best to celebrate it any chance you get. And I leave it up to you to figure out Michael Jackson’s skin color. I won’t tell you not because I’m mad, just disappointed.
Some of you might know me as the guy who appropriatedblack culture and turned it into musicthat could be easily digestible to the masses for immense personalgain. Now let me get one thingstraight- you guys don’t give me enough credit! I stole that style fair and square- don’t you give me nonathat‘appropriated’ nonsense. Steal black history all you want. We don’t need a special month dedicatedto celebratingit if you could have 12 months listeningto the White People™brand of commercializedmusic.
please fix my dog’s brain please thank you
Pet Play
The Only Ethical Owner-Pet Relationship
Katherine Bishop
We love our pets. We care for them, providing a home, food, water, play, and attention, in exchange for companionship, emotional support, a mood boost, and cuddles. It sounds idyllic, both human and companion animal in a loving, mutually beneficial relationship. There’s one glaring problem: lack of consent.
As we can’t clearly communicate with them, and there is a power disparity between humans and domesticated animals, our pets cannot consent to being pets. They are bred for the purpose of being a pet and they are forced into being a pet with no choice. Keeping a pet can be just as oppressive to animals as murdering them with no remorse and devouring their dead bodies.
But how could we give up pets? What would we do without the dynamic of one being giving up its full autonomy in exchange for another being caring for its every need? Luckily, we don’t have to go without it. The only problem with the owner-pet relationship is that the animal’s can’t provide consent. Who can provide consent? Adult human beings. You don’t need to give up pets. You just need to find a human being who consents to being your pet!
The answer to the ethical crisis of pet ownership is pet play. Now, before you prudes scoff, gag, or recoil at this proposal, you must understand that pet play does not have to be kinky or sexual. As long as both parties consent, it can look however you want it to. The best part of it is, you don’t have to clean up their shit or fight to give them baths (unless that’s something you are both interested in). Imagine: You come home from work after a long, stressful day. Your pet human excitedly greets you at the door, showering you with attention. When you sit down they lay in your lap while you stroke their head or pat their back. They will let you know if anything suspicious is going on inside or outside the house. They will always be there for you whenever you need them. All you have to do is provide them food, water, shelter, and love.
One concern with transitioning from nonhuman to human pets may be the challenge of finding a pet. There is an abundance of cats and dogs to adopt without you having to do the work of searching for an animal that wants to be a pet, getting to know the animal, and figuring out what the animal wants out of you as an owner. Well, the reason it is so easy to find a nonhuman pet is because we force them to breed, enslave them, sell them, and if we get bored or its too much work, we abandon them. Then we kill the 2.7 million each year that no one wants. So if you prefer an animal pet to a human one simply because of convenience, it only means you are too selfish and lazy to stop contributing to slavery and abuse. If you care about animals, switch to human pets.
Disclaimer: Dr. Munn Sanchez is a PhD, not a real doctor
You Have Been Reading Brain Stew!
What the hell did I just read? “Brain Stew's mission is to provide for the Pierre Laclede Honors College student body a forum for uncensored free thought, commentary, and creativity, as well as news and event listings from PLHCSA and other related campus organizations,” yak yak yak! We publish A LOT OF THINGS. Like, things that make Ed regret ever taking a job at the Honors College!
We’ve been publishing since 1991 (or 1993). Longer than Dan’s car has been running, somehow. We must be doing a good job though. Despite our best efforts, grown-ups keep giving us awards stuff like Best Sustained Program in 2012 and 2017, and Best Cultural Awareness Program in 2018. Even some shady committee called the “National Collegiate Honors Council” gave us awards in 2017, 2018, and Program of the Year in 2020.
Disclaimer: We issue no content guidelines beyond those of state, local, and federal law. All content is the responsibility of the creator. UMSL, PLHC, PLHCSA, and the Brain Stew staff are in no way obligated to print anything. In short, submit what you want, but we don’t have to print it if you’re being a little monster!
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