Brain Stew is for sale! Put your advertisingdollars to work in Brain Stew!

Dear readers (and mouth breathers who only look at pictures),

It is with tremendous excitement that we bring you the newest chapter in the illustrious history of Brain Stew. We are for sale. To advertisers, that is. Dan’s never going to make back the $44 billion he printed on the ProHo copy machine to purchase this magazine. But he said that we could sell advertising or make counterfeit wallets in his basement, so that he could pay his “mortgage.” We aren’t sure what “mortgage” is code for, but it’s probably bad.

So, this is the first issue ever of Brain Stew with extensive corporate sponsorship. But don’t let that worry you. We would never sacrifice our editorial mission and values just to appease our capitalist overlords. You will, however, find many high-quality and exciting ads for a variety of excellent products inside this issue. And with inflation as it is, you might as well buy shit with your money ASAP. Every day you delay means less shit you can buy. No one likes that. So spend, spend, spend, we say!

Also, on a totally unrelated note, do you vape? Are you trying to quit? Are you bored with how easy it is to hide from your parents? Tired of all the fun flavors that were supposedly made illegal but still exist everywhere? We sure were! That’s why we started smoking. There’s less nicotine than in a Juul, and while that’s a drawback, the mellow flavor of plain tobacco and the cool mintiness of menthols more than makes up for it. And let’s face it. Did a foxy chick ever come up to you at PBR and ask to hit your vape? Nope! But will a foxy chick ask to bum a smoke? Or borrow your lighter? Hell yes! Also, you won’t have to bathe as much either, as the sweet aroma of cigarettes covers up all other smells. Yes, we know that the average Brain Stew reader only bathes two times per month. But that’s still like 30 extra minutes of your life back. Add that up over time (we’ll wait. We don’t have a calculator handy) and that’s probably like a year of time you’ve saved. Think about all of the cool people who smoked! Johnny Carson, Humphrey Bogart, Lucille Ball, Walt Disney… all of your heroes! Sure, they died of lung cancer, but that could have been genetics, car exhaust, or any of the other millions of terrible things that are filling the air you’re breathing right this very minute! Do yourself a favor and buy some cigarettes. There are a lot of good brands: Lucky Strike, Salem, Marlboro, Nico Time, and Black Cat, for examples.

Sincerely,

Josiah Ayres, Hannah Smid, Sydney Stark, and Abby Wall The Brain Stew editors