Don’t you just love when you see a letter from the editor, Ed? I am sure everyone does. The time has come. Three years ago, Cullen, Aimee, Mya, and Kenny all wrote some variation of this letter in their grad issues. I remember reading them and thinking about how much I was going to miss reading their creations and laughing with them all. That is how I feel now, but different. Instead, I won’t be laughing at my own jokes, or Josiah’s ridiculous commentary, or whatever heinous column Dan wrote to try and trick people into thinking that I wrote it. It is, admittedly, a very weird feeling to be saying goodbye. Do we ever really learn how? Or do we just hope it stops hurting? I am not sure, but the time is here regardless. So here are my goodbves.
To Josiah, you were my partner in crime from the moment you got here. To this day, you still have the craziest handshake ever. Thank you for being Abby Jr, thank you for being a nepo baby, thank you for skipping class with me, thank you for all of the laughs, and most importantly, thank you for being one of the best friends I could ever ask for. I didn’t know when I recruited you that I was essentially receiving the annoying younger brother I never asked for but unknowingly needed. I am proud of who you are turning out to be.
To Dan, just thank you. I do not believe UMSL would be the same if it was not for you and Audri. I don’t think I would have graduated without you always finding a way to make me believe I could do it. Thanks for allowing me to terrorize your classes, write for BS, and mentor the next generation of
UMSL degenerates. I am a way better writer, professional, and overall human being thanks to your patience and guidance. I will never say anything this nice about you again, so you better cherish it. I will be back to telling Audri to put you in a nursing home soon enough. (PS Audri: I will miss you more than Dan!)
To Aimee, Kenny, Mya, and Cullen, thank you guys for instilling the confidence in me to continue writing and pursue things outside of the STEM fields I chained myself to. I love all of you and I wish I got more time with you than I did.
To Hannah, we started doing this together and I am glad we got three good years of it together. Enjoy Arizona. And to Ed and Kim, Honors is only as good as its leaders. Thank you both for everything. You both were pivotal in my transformation into a functioning grown up. Thank you for not shutting us down.
Thank you, everyone. Goodbye, and thanks for all the back issues.
Best,
Brain Stew’s Favorite Popes!
RIP Pope Franky! We dug you! TBH, you’re the only pope most of us even remember, so maybe our opinion doesn’t count. But still, you seemed as cool as possible for someone so old and so Jesus-y. And Dan would not STFU about a nazi pope who was like your co-pope or something. Anyway, we thought this was a good moment to take a look back at some of Brain Stew’s all-time favorite popes.
Pope Alexander VI – reigned 1492-1503. This was the Borgia pope! So many bastard children. When he was cardinal, he got yelled at by the pope for attending an orgy. He made his son a cardinal, gave his daughter this kick-ass ring where you open the top and pour out poison, and did a variety of other baller shit. Amen to you, Alex!
Pope Joan – reigned 855-857. That’s right, bitches, there was a trans pope! She was discovered when, as pope, she got on her horse and a baby fell out of her. It’s true! You can look it up! In any history book written before 1700. You can find some in the Large Library.
Pope Pius 12 – reigned 1939-1958. This is the dude who said that while god created the soul, the body could have been created by other means. This is why those lucky Catholic kids learn evolution in schools! But if he did nazi shit, we reserve the right to change our favorites.
Pope John Paul II – reigned 19782005. This is the dude who said that the earth revolved around the sun, not the other way around, and apologized for the whole imprisonment and threat of torture thing with Galileo. This is why those lucky Catholic kids get to learn the heliocentric universe in schools! Since 1992.
Pope Paul VI – reigned 1963-1978. This is the dude who said sorry, but still no on the whole birth control thing and everything else you were hoping for about sex. However, his famous encyclical HumanaeVitaedid coin the term “taint,” in reference to the perineum, so thank you. It was one of the three miracles that got him canonized as a saint.
The Anti-Popes! Yep, this is a thing! We don’t know what exactly you did, besides declare yourself as pope, but if you are important enough that the Catholic church officially declares you an anti-pope, then our hat is off to you, sir. ALSO, there are more than this! Holy crap, it’s so many…
Pope Raymond W. Wisnewski –reigned 19292007. This is Dan’s alcoholic grandfather who walked around saying “I’m the pope by damnit!” all the time.
AND OUR ALL-TIME FAVORITE POPE IS…..
Pope Formosus – reigned 891-896. This is the dude whose CORPSE they dug up and put on trial for blasphemy, dice, and assorted wickedness. They put his body in a robe, had an altar boy speak for him, and held a trial. Surprise! He was found guilty. The fingers on his altar-boy banging hand…uh, we mean his papal blessing hand were chopped off and his body was dumped in the river.
Letter from Dan Gerth:
My name is Daniel J. Gerth (the J stands for Just Put the Gram in The Car Before the Feds Arrive, Weedman), and I am the president of the Abby Wall Brain Stew Columns Fan Club. I will never be as funny as Abby, and my program is really going to go to shit now that the comedy and tokenism is going to Corporate America. So, I decided to give my best shot at writing just like my hero and hope I was just as funny as her. I am not, and she said so, but she is a gracious leader and has allowed me to publish my imitation of her. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, I guess. I don’t believe in flattery, as it causes people to feel good about themselves, and that is no good for comedy. But this is about as close as I will get.
Sincerely,
THE TRUE STORY!
By ABBy’s Brother
Hey, I’m Abby’s brother, Steven, and I am here to set the record straight. I’m sorry that my computer skills aren’t as good as Abby’s, so this isn’t going to look as nice as her usual diary. However, it will NOT be filled with lies!
To be fair, it’s more like halftruths. For example, #1, she was a crack baby. That’s no joke. However, her diary gives the impression that that was because she was bornaddicted to crack, and nothing could be further from the truth.
I don’t know how she got a crack pipe in the hospital, much less the actual crack itself. But there she was smoking crack in the hospital, only hours old. Dad took a picture!
#2, while it is very true that a lot of jerk-ass crackers said and did a lot of racist, obnoxious shit, as if a mixed-race family was some sort of violation of the space-time continuum, that is only part of the story. Now, I’m not trying to say that anyone, especially a little kid, deserves such shit. But still, Abby did try to provoke things. Once we were in a Schnuck’s in Arnold, MO, and we got in the shortest line…
We quickly learned that the reason was because the white woman in line had about two dozen jars of baby formula and was shuffling a bunch of papers in her hand. Abby looks at the woman, exclaims “Yas, queen!” and raises her arm for a high five. The confused woman obliges, only for Abby to say “welfare queen, that is! Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Good luck with that!” I was so mortified.
The woman just kind of laughed and tried to ignore us. But Abby kept trying to guess how to spell her name, which just made things worse and worse and worse…
Abby: “I won first grade spelling bee last year! B-R-I-T-A-N-Y.”
Woman: “God damn it, I told you my name isn’t fucking Brittney, no matter how you spell it.”
Abby: “Is it your daughter’s name?”
Woman: “God damn you.”
That’s the part of the “crack baby chronicles” that she is hiding from you. Again, don’t get me wrong, no one, especially a child, deserves the way we were treated. But damn it, Abby, you make things harder than necessary!
IS HE HOT, OR DO YOU NEED THERAPY?
My Special All-School Edition
Also, I’m not changing the title even though I’m including some Shein here. The masculine pronoun means everyone again, just like in the 1950s, in case you didn’t get the memo.
There has never been a hotter teacher in my 16 years of education. Anyone want to head over to Wash U next Thursday?
VOTE REMY XA FOR SGA PRESIDENT!
Hello fellow homo sapiens and intelligent animals who have learned how to read and keep it a secret!
It’s DEMOCRACY time! SGA elections are happening. And I would appreciate your support. Or, more specifically, a few minutes of your attention, so that I can let you know what I stand for, so that you can make an intelligent choice.
My platform:
1. The return of smoking to campus. This policy, while kind-hearted in appearance, is fascist and discriminatory. I have 24 large, standing ash trays that I will place 15 feet from the most commonly used doors on campus.
2. Competitive Dungeons and Dragons! No more being relegated to just Intramural Dungeons and Dragons. With the money saved by canceling track and field, we can easily bring everyone’s favorite sport up to a higher, more competitive level. Scholarships for the best local wizards we can find? You betcha!
3. Mandatory democracy. If I’m still running unopposed, I promise that will be the last time that happens. An SGA constitutional amendment establishing the selective service (otherwise known as the draft) is already being crafted.
4. Obedience school for the robot dog. I know a lot of people are advocating for immediate euthanizing as the dog has bitten over a dozen students and keeps humping Ed’s leg. I say not so fast. This dog did not have good parents. I believe that he deserves a chance at rehabilitation.
Thank you, Abby! We love you! Don’t try to write Crack Baby Chronicles, How Sue C’s It, Sex Advice from Dean Ed, Big Fat Rat Watch, White Boy of the Month, Furry Fan Club, Is He Hot or Do You Need Therapy? or any of your other recurring columns in some other publication. Brain Stew owns that shit. You have been around so long that you are the last BS editor who knows Sammy, Kenny, Cullen, Aimee, Mya, Josiah, Hannah, and Sydney. Dan doesn’t even remember Sydney. Additionally, you are about to become the highestpaid person out of everyone listed. So, uh, can we borrow some money?
Happy graduation!
Abby’s Covers Through the Years:
(You have been reading Brain Stew!)
What the hell did I just read? “Brain Stew's mission is to provide for the Pierre Laclede Honors College student body a forum for uncensorED* free thought, commentary, and creativity, as well as news and event listings from PLHCSA and other related campus organizations,” yak yak yak! We publish A LOT OF THINGS. Like, things that make Ed regret ever taking a job at the Honors College!
We’ve been publishing since 1991 (or 1993). Longer than Dan’s car has been running, somehow. We must be doing a good job though. Despite our best efforts, grown-ups keep giving us awards stuff like Best Sustained Program in 2012 and 2017, and Best Cultural Awareness Program in 2018. Even some shady committee called the “National Collegiate Honors Council” gave us awards in 2017, 2018, and Program of the Year in 2020.
Disclaimer: We issue no content guidelines beyond those of state, local, and federal law. All content is the responsibility of the creator. UMSL, PLHC, PLHCSA, and the Brain Stew staff are in no way obligated to print anything. In short, submit what you want, but we don’t have to print it if you’re being a little monster!
How to submit: Send your stuff to umslbrainstew@umsystem.edu
