UNIVERSITY MEADOWS APARTMENT BUILDING INVESTIGATED BY

CDC FOR NEW STRAIN OF AIDS: AIDS+

This Thursday the CDC took over investigations into an outbreak of a new STD AIDS+. AIDS+ is exactly likeAIDS except the victims also contracts Chlamydia, Genital Herpes, Gonorrhea, HPV, Pubic Lice, Syphilis, Blue Waffle, Crabs, Scabies, and UGLY. Besides the vagina/dick necrosis symptoms of AIDS+ it transmits throughthe air, the water, touch, and even time itself. On Tuesday University Meadows officials first started receiving complaints of a strangesmell coming from one of the apartments. They sent in local fixer/handyman/saint Jack. When we reached out for comment Jack said “well I have seen a lotttttttof shit here, both literal and figurative, but this was by far the worst thing I have smelled here and that is saying something! I unlockedthat apartment and BAM like a black wall of nasty I couldn’tbreathe, so I said fuck this shit and called the fire department.”The fire department found the decrepit body of a student in a state unlikeany they had ever seen before. They immediately called local medical authorities who shortly called the CDC after further investigation. Unbeknownst to Jack and the fire department they had stumbledupon patient zero of AIDS+, because they lacked the proper protective equipment/flamethrowers they contractedAIDS+ and are now deceased, their brave souls forever in our hearts. University Meadows workers sent out one of their weirdly ominous/passive aggressive texts saying to “STOP WATER USAGE IMMEDIATELY IN ALL BUILDINGS” and to “WEAR A GAS MASK TO ENTER YOUR APARTMENT”. Unfortunately,every buildingresident was already dead. Patient zero, supposedlycreated the super disease by contracting every STD known to man.

CDC officials are reporting that the entirety of UMSMELLS campus could be contaminated, along with everyone in it. CDC director Rochelle Walensky stated Thursday evening that the situation was a total loss: “My resolution?Airstrikes. Bomb them, bomb them, keep bombingthem, bomb them again, and again. There can be no survivors, no trace, otherwise the United States could collapseby Saturday, and then there would be no Superbowl. I hated that ugly campus anyway, why so many red bricks, greenish bluebuildings,and then a random ass glass pyramid.” Time is runningshort as Apache attack helicopters and F-15s circle campus. If it only wasn’t for that one unnamed individual/patientzero that created the disease.