Petition for Owen Ireton to move his motorcycle

Out Of My Fucking Parking Spot

On behalf of building 3 of University Meadows hellscape apartments, Parking is torturous enough without a tent blocking prime time parking. If you are only going to use it every now and again like a toy, just get a dirt bike. It wouldn’t really be much different from that anyway!

I call for action from Meadows and propose a solution to two problems. We must outlaw all vehicles with less than four wheels from parking in the lot. That way, meadows could add a few more vacant RA parking spots to mock you as you pass by for a third time looking for a spot

~ The concerned tenants of building 3 ~

Parking at University Meadows was awful before I even bought my motorcycle. Now, I usually take two parking spots right in front of building 3. Why? Because I can. People also shouldn’t complain when they park like Helen fucking Keller and Meadows management likes to reserve parking spots for RA’s that don’t even have cars. It is what it is though because I usually have at least one vehicle right in front of my building.

Name:______________________________________

Address:____________________________________ ____________________________________ ____________________________________

*For your chance to win, attachform to proof of purchasefrom one pack of Salem cigarettes and mail to C109 Provincial House,1 University Blvd,St. Louis, MO 63121

Annual Hotdog Palooza Cancelled Due to Tragic Accident Tony

The Annual Hotdog Palooza was scheduled to take place on January 25th . The faculty decided not to postpone due to the weather, but that ended up being a tragic mistake on the part of the Dean. The hot dog delivery truck was on his way to deliver the delicious unidentified meat substances to the Millennium Student Center when, out of nowhere, an Ice cream truck came skidding through the intersection next to the parking lot ramming the side of the Hot dog truck. The hot dog truck started spinning around and around flinging the delectable wieners across the parking lot. It was really a sight to be seen. Several thousand wieners were sent flying through the air scattered throughout the parking lot and quickly freezing to the pavement. It was surprising how much of the parking lot was taken up by the frozen wieners. In my experience, wieners normally aren’t very big when they’re cold. Now, the event is cancelled, and faculty has to hire a wiener cleanup crew to come out to thaw the frozen wieners and begin the tedious process of removing them from the pavement. Stay tuned for statements from witnesses to this horrible event.

Therapy Dogs Run Amok on Campus

It’s that time of year again, finals time. And with finals week kicking off, the stress relieving therapy dogs were back on campus for students to enjoy adorable puppy cuddles, but this year ended a little differently than previous years. After one of the therapy dogs staff members put all the dogs up for their daily nap time, an animal rights extremist broke into the room they were being kept in and opened the door to “liberate” the dogs. All fifteen dogs ran out of the room and began running around campus. Chaos quickly followed with them peeing on cars, pooping in the hallways, chasing students across campus chewing up their notes. A couple of the dogs even found their way into classrooms in the middle of students taking their finals and began knocking over desks and chewing up students’ finals before they could turn them in. Finally, the therapy dog staff members and a couple of do-gooder students on campus were able to catch all the dogs and brought them back to the room. All of the dogs were so exhausted from their interrupted nap and impromptu adventure that they immediately fell asleep as soon as they were put back in the room. Needless to say, several students need therapy after the therapy dog fiasco. UMSL is offering counseling services for any student who feels they need it after the events of the day in the mental health services office without appointments necessary. If you have been negatively affected by the events of the day, please make sure to stop by for a therapy session to undue the trauma of our last therapy attempt.