Tutum Journal | Issue 9 | Spring 2023 | For & By Childless Women

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spring 2023 • issue 9 • wellbeing

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Journal

A Dwelling Place For Childless Women In Every Season

tutumjournal.com

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The Other Path

CONTENTS

Life coach Carrie Brauninger expounds on the psychological impact of involuntary childlessness and how therapy can help.

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Meditation teacher Bindi Shah taps into the power of daily meditation and how it can improve your physical and mental health.

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My Journey To Extended Singleness

Life purpose coach Naomi Geidel on being single and childless, and transitioning back to a place of wellbeing.

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The Power Of Daily Meditation

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After Life After You: Reflections Of Spousal Bereavement

Author and perinatal loss coach Sasha Kershaw Reid delves into love, grief, loss, and healing after the death of a spouse.

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Professional Burnout: A Self-Care Plan For Mental Health Providers Therapist Katie Maynard gives empathetic advice on how therapists and counselors can nurture clients while managing their own mental health.

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Declutter Your Mind Worksheet Practical questions to gain insight toward reducing your emotional and mental clutter.

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Healing Affirmations For Your Body And Mind A self-reflection on how to cultivate a healthy body and emotions.

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in every issue Page 4

Healing Grief Through Yoga

CONTRIBUTORS

Yoga teacher Veronica Santini offers practical tools on how to transform loss into physical self-awareness and deeper healing.

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The Tie That Binds Us Psychologist Adriana Castro on the importance of representation and solidarity through shared identity.

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The Curious Case Of Involuntary Childlessness Yoga practitioner Sarah Chamberlin examines the emotional lives of childless not by choice women and the health impacts of life-altering loss.

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Coming Home To Your Body Embodiment teacher and coach Sarah Jane Smith discusses befriending your body through mindfulness and embodied yoga.

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EDITOR’S REFLECTION Editor-In-Chief Jobi Tyson reflects on the magazine’s second anniversary and improving mental wellbeing in the new normal.

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TUTUM SURVEY Readers reveal what they think about key subjects relevant to the childless community.

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GAME CHANGER Spotlighting the achievements of trailblazer Katy Seppi. By Nina Plummer

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MEDICAL AWAKENING Calm The Fire Within: Natural Approaches To Chronic Inflammation.

3 Ways To Center The Needs Of Your Pets

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Dog behavioral therapist Stephanie Keesey-Phelan reveals how to better understand your pets and how to read their cues and signals.

NAVIGATING AGING

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Cover Story A spotlight on childless female representation in therapy and wellness, wholly dedicated to prioritizing mental health and wellbeing for the childless not by choice community.

How To Nourish Your Life For The Better In Midlife. By Sheri Johnson

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BUILDING BRIDGES A Q&A with professional organizer Tracy McCubbin on decluttering your home and making space for happiness.

VOLUME 3, ISSUE 9 Tutum Journal™ (ISSN 2766-9580) is published quarterly by Tutum Global Childlessness Alliance. For more information about Tutum Journal, please visit us at www.tutumjournal.com, or email us at info@tutumjournal.com. www.tutumjournal.com

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FOUNDER & EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Jobi Tyson

EDITORIAL Charlie Bishop Simone Edwards

CONTRIBUTORS Carrie Brauninger Adriana Castro Sarah Chamberlin Naomi Geidel Sheri Johnson Stephanie Keesey-Phelan Katie Maynard Nina Plummer Sasha Kershaw Reid Veronica Santini Bindi Shah Sarah Jane Smith

© 2023 Tutum Global Childlessness Alliance. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in part, or whole, without prior written permission, excepting brief quotations in connection with reviews written specifically for inclusion in magazines, newspapers, blogs, or limited excerpts strictly for personal use. Designed in the U.S.A. DISCLAIMER: Opinions expressed by the authors are not necessarily those of Tutum Global Childlessness Alliance, disclaiming any liability to any party for the accuracy, completeness, efficacy, or availability of the material contained in this publication. Any medical information is for your general information only and is not intended as a substitute for informed medical advice.

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EDITOR'S REFLECTION + FEEDBACK A Road Map to Improve Wellbeing in the New Normal

It’s hard to believe I’m seeing 2023 on the calendar, and yet here we are – that time of year when the slate feels clean. If the years since the pandemic started have taught us anything, it’s that emotional wellbeing is an essential part of overall health. The COVID-19 crisis not only affected individuals' physical health, but it also significantly impacted their mental health and wellbeing — and women largely bore the brunt.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY: JUSTIN BOWENS

Marking our magazine’s second anniversary, we have seen powerful and unapologetic childless women grace our magazine cover and over 70 writers challenged readers with personal narratives and expert advice to improve mental wellness by incorporating self-reflection practices.

The stories in this issue remind us that wellbeing extends to all elements of one’s life – the practical, the emotional, the interpersonal, which in turn affects one’s relationships with others and self. From the positive effects of daily meditation to navigating life single and childless, to new mindset routines, in this issue, we pushed the boundaries and expanded the definition of wellbeing and various ways to achieve it.

With gratitude,

Wellbeing is also giving flowers to childless female representation in therapy and wellness, all who bear witness to our pain, while empowering the emotional wellbeing of the childless community.

Jobi Tyson, MBA @tutumjournal @childlesswomen Facebook.com/childlesswomen YouTube.com/childlesswomen

So, as we get settled in the new year, let’s allow ourselves to show up for ourselves – in all its forms.

Up next: Our summer issue’s theme will be Legacy. We’re seeking diverse childless female voices and subject matter experts. Deadline for submissions is March 21, 2023. For submission details, visit TutumJournal.com.

TUTUM SURVEY

WHAT YOU TOLD US To carefully curate each issue’s theme to support and strengthen the mental well-being of involuntarily childless women, we asked our readers: I am satisfied with my emotional wellbeing.

43% Yes

57% No

I have committed to improving my emotional wellbeing.

94% Yes

6% No

“Wellness encompasses a healthy body, a sound mind, and a tranquil spirit. Enjoy the journey as you strive for wellness.”

— Laurette Gagnon Beaulieu www.tutumjournal.com

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THE OTHER PATH CARRIE BRAUNINGER, LCSW

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hildlessness not by choice is a path with no roadmap. It is the anxiety of time passing, knowing your chances are dwindling. Then comes the depression of having to accept something that seems so natural and easy for everyone else. The isolation, the questions and uncomfortableness from others when answers to questions they expect to be yes are no. These interactions take a toll on wellbeing. The slow bumpy slide into acceptance and not giving up is exhausting. As your friends continue to transition into parenthood, the supports and relationships that you have relied on in other circumstances become less available. The social outings become kid-friendly outings and less frequent. The grief of childlessness is difficult. The change in your relationships is a difficult pill to swallow. Not feeling seen is not conducive to wellbeing. Especially, when what you do see is a depressing manifestation of a caricature that is not relatable. The frumpy, grumpy, spinster with warts on her nose is now modernized to the woman who is alone, eating ice cream, drinking wine, and pining for a partner.

It doesn’t mean the opposite is the truth. It doesn’t mean there isn’t some anxiety, depression, and grief associated with childlessness.

Accepting childlessness is about striking a balance.

You get to feel grief. You HAVE to feel grief. One path to this balance is interacting with others with a shared experience. Engaging with people who have been where you have been and are moving through it; people who can validate your feelings. See you. Hear you. The trick is finding these people. The silence of people who are childless not by choice is difficult to spot. There can be shame, embarrassment, grief, and fear of judgment. We don’t often lead with being childless. If you’re childless, you often don’t ask others if they have children. It keeps us invisible. Even the language is invisible. Childless by circumstance or childless not by choice are not wellknown terms. These are terms many of us stumble upon through a late-night Google search.

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The symptoms of anxiety and depression sometimes draw us to seek out a therapist. Those are the symptoms others might pick up on encouraging us to “talk to somebody.” Often, we are asked if we have kids on the first visit. We say no, and typically, no follow up question is asked to explore this answer further.

It mirrors how others respond, potentially not sure how to respond, or not understanding that this single word answer is a clue that this is a pain point. The opportunity to signal an understanding of this grief is missed. We all have blind spots, especially toward things that are not discussed out in the open like childlessness not by choice. A therapist doesn’t have to be childless

not by choice to be helpful. However, a therapist that has awareness of the uniqueness of this grief is essential.

A therapist who is informed about childlessness can see you, help put into words what feels unspeakable, and guide you along the path toward acceptance. They can help you sort out what we have been conditioned to think and feel about childlessness and how this utter lack of realistic representation impacts our ability to

believe we can have a fulfilling future ahead of us. More importantly, a therapist can assist you in seeing yourself, accepting yourself, and living in your truth—confidently.

Not as a backup life, but step into your reality with a foundation of believing you can have a life that is meaningful, purposeful, fun, and whole.

Carrie Brauninger (@theotherpaththerapyandcoaching) of The Other Path Therapy and Coaching, is a therapist and life coach who has worked in mental health for 20 years, based in the United States. www.theotherpathcoaching.com www.tutumjournal.com

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The Power of

Daily Meditation

BY BINDI SHAH

Meditation is the practice of moving inward, allowing yourself to find peace within yourself, and away from the external world. It is an art that has been practised for thousands of years and in numerous cultures, and prayer can be seen as a form of meditation. Learning how to meditate, and gently bringing this practice to your daily life, has the potential to change your life. Let’s look at what happens as you grow a regular meditation practice.

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Anxiety can lessen

Focus

Meditation starts with gentle breathing as you settle your mind and body, as you are giving yourself permission to relax. Things that are on your mind can come to the forefront, but they can also be sorted, and perhaps even resolved, while you breathe and relax. When the mind moves into a quiet internal space, the distractions of the external world are left behind, and a way out of confusion becomes clear. This clarity can help decrease anxiety.

When you meditate, you start focusing on a word or image in your mind and learn to focus on one thing. Again, the distractions can go, the busy mind can lessen, and the constant on-the-go mentality eases. Deep focused attention comes in and it stays even after your daily meditation practice ends; you have trained your mind to focus. This deep focus will be beneficial for all aspects of your life.

Deep clarity

Insights

Meditating often brings clarity. There are always situations and issues that need your attention, but sometimes when you are too close to the issues, it can be difficult to get clarity. By meditating often, you give yourself the space needed to process. You can then gently come to the realisations you need to be clearer on things that are causing you confusion. Meditation gives answers to your problems.

Give yourself the time and space to move inwards, clear the emotional clutter of the mind, and receive what your inner self is letting you know. There are deep insights into what you need at the moment and wonderful reflections of life. These insights are from your deep, wise self.

Listen well.

Knowing yourself Meditation helps you know yourself better. In meditation, you move within, to the parts of you that are not normally visible. The deeper you get in your meditation, the more you learn about yourself. The realisations come through and there is a gentleness as you sit with yourself. Nothing to hide and nothing to prove; it’s simply you as your physical self, sitting with you as your soul-self.

Deep healing Meditating every day brings about healing to the mind and body. I define healing as ‘deep ease and release.’ There are so many situations that may have occurred in your life, to bring you away from the joy of living. There can be pain, turmoil, and trauma of circumstances that have occurred to bring you to being childlessness not by choice. By meditating often, you can start healing the emotional weight of these situations. Start letting the difficult emotions release and bring yourself to a new state of being. Meditation for healing is not a quick fix and the frequency of meditation is important; meditating as often as you can, or daily inward reflection, can make a huge difference to your healing.

Time for yourself Meditating gives you time for yourself. It allows you to be away from the distractions of life – social media, the phone, and busyness. Meditation can give you the quiet time that you yearn for, the inward reflection you desire, and the peace you truly need. This quiet peace is essential for your well-being.

Deep relaxation When the mind and body have been through many traumatic, difficult situations in life, it can be almost impossible to deeply relax. Deep relaxation is important for the physical and emotional body to heal and rest. Through breathing and meditation, the body can learn to let go and to deeply relax. Sometimes if you do deeply relax, you can also fall asleep during meditation. That is a normal thing to happen when you need that deep rest. I call this a meditation nap and it is very restful.

The lessening of anxiety, deep clarity, knowing yourself, deep healing, time for yourself, focus, insights, and deep relaxation – these are a few of the things which can occur with regular meditation practice. Meditation becomes a good habit and enables you to move better through life. Your daily meditation doesn’t have to be long – 5 or 10 minutes is a good start. If daily meditation seems challenging, then meditate as often as you can. Perhaps once or twice a week and building up to a regular practice that is doable.

Meditation has made a huge difference in my life and continues to do so. I hope that you can bring in this practice and start living with the positive effects it can bring to you.

Bindi Shah (@letterstomysoul) is a writer and meditation teacher who specializes in guiding meditation classes for the childless not by choice community, based in the United Kingdom. www.bindishah.com www.tutumjournal.com

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My Journey to Extended Singleness

BY NAOMI GEIDEL

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his past season has been one where every part of my life has been stripped to the studs. It has allowed me time to examine my foundation to see where it needs to be shored up. I can see it as a beautiful process looking back, but going through the demo phase has been one that has been brutal and has felt unrelenting. It was a season where dust and debris began to fly, but I didn’t ask for it. Yet, there I was going through the demo phase and having to appreciate it for what it was – a growth opportunity.

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The demo phase started with being over 40 and single.

Then it was the realization that adoption wasn’t going to work due to not having the support I thought I did to raise a child on my own. Layered on was navigating a job transition that was unfolding not as planned. This then added to the financial stress that I had worked hard to overcome in the previous years. It also included living in a new city where I found it difficult to find friends to do life with and on it went. It all just came crumbling down. This was after a fun and adventurous season living overseas and coming out of that with big dreams and clear desires. To say the least, it was a brutal time to walk through as the pieces kept on crumbling until I was curled up not knowing what was up or down anymore.

So curled up, I began to rebuild. In the beginning, it wasn’t intentional, but as I moved through some things, it became more intentional. The following are a few takeaways that have supported me to get to where I am today. Not in a perfect place, but one where I now hold things loosely, with curiosity and more joy because it’s been fought for and appreciated for what it is.

One of the most profound lessons in this season has been the reworking of thinking from something is wrong with me to nothing is wrong with me. I grew up hearing and then internalizing that something must be wrong with me if I didn’t have a boyfriend and then a spouse. I heard in church that a relationship was the end all be all and if you weren't in one yet, that meant that there was still “work” you needed to do. It was like once someone got married, they no longer had anything to work on. How wrong that thinking has been. I now see relationships differently. I know that being in a relationship doesn’t make anyone more worthy, significant, mature, interesting, or what have you. I am more comfortable in my skin because I see myself as strong, discerning, and fine to walk along the road less traveled. I honored myself enough to know what I needed and wanted in a relationship and have not settled. And just so we’re clear, my expectations for a relationship are reasonable and I’m not being too picky. I don’t know if I will ever find “my person” and I’m okay with how life unfolds because I know I can handle whichever way it goes.

I’ve also realized that it’s always been me, will be me, and depends on me to live a life I love. I know now walking through this season that I have to be my

best friend and can’t expect anyone else to be that for me. People are fickle so if I rely on them to bring me happiness, I will end up disappointed again and again. Don’t get me wrong, I think friendships are important and to be cherished. What I’ve learned is that I can’t depend on them for my happiness. They bring happiness to my life, but it’s more of an inside job that I’m in charge of. The same goes for family. I was under the guise that family was everything. Walking through this season has shown me that it’s not. I do have a loving family and yet they cannot meet me where I am because they don’t have the lived experience of walking this road. They try as best they can to be supportive and yet it still falls short in some areas. So, I expect them to be everything; and when they can’t meet me where I am, it leaves a lot of unmet expectations and fractures the relationships. Being my own best friend, speaking kindly to myself, and knowing I can depend on myself has been a life changer.

One more of the many areas that have helped me greatly on my wellbeing journey is unpacking the patriarchy and pronatalism. Being introduced to these has helped me find comfort in the fact that the system is messed up. Not just for me being single and childless, but for everyone. We’re all being hurt and harmed by these ways of thinking. The systems that are set up need to be challenged and changed. I’m still unpacking them, as they go deep, yet just knowing these ways of thinking are out there has helped me get a bit more curious about why things are the way they are. And just because they are that way doesn’t mean it’s right – a big step for me because I’m a people pleaser and want to be a “good girl.” Simply me living my life is an act of rebellion if you will. I no longer desire the acceptance I once did because I know not everyone will understand me and I’ll be misunderstood. This shift has been so freeing and lifted the shame that I’ve held for so long.

I could go on and on about how I’m rebuilding my life and getting back to a place of wellbeing. There are so many layers to it that I know I’ll continue to unpack it until my dying day. As I stated before, I’m thankful that I get to hold things more loosely and with curiosity now. I’m thankful I’m able to see the world in more color and know there’s more than one traditional way to live this beautiful life we’ve been given. And because of all that, I get to live life on my terms and am free to be me…the beautifully complex, quirky, and spirited person I am.

Naomi Geidel (@acreativepurpose) is a life purpose and transition coach, and podcaster, based in Thailand. www.naomigeidel.com www.tutumjournal.com

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After Life After You:

REFLECTIONS OF SPOUSAL BEREAVEMENT

BY SASHA KERSHAW REID As I sit in contemplation on the topic of grief–specifically spousal bereavement– my thoughts traverse the tumultuous multilayered landscape that grief is peaks, troughs, valleys; the agony, the heartache, the bittersweet moments of joy that bubble up from the depths in a stolen reflective moment of remembering. The differences and similarities between the many forms of grief make themselves known to me like a parade of characters, each with its own story to tell, moving across the stage in my mind's eye.

The grief of a spouse is an emotion that can be described as deep sorrow and sadness, and it is an intense sorrow and mourning that can linger for weeks, months, or years after the loss. I have learned that grief has no timeline or "correct" way of being experienced and can look different for each person.

Losing your life partner is the loss of a shared reality created between two individuals. This co-creation has two central characters at the heart of this story. These characters weave two separate lives into a beautiful mosaic of a shared and intimate experience where past, present, and envisaged future intersect. The loss of this unique connection can be devastating. The language of 'us' and 'we' becomes 'me, myself, and I.' Dialogue becomes a monologue, and the fabric of self is torn into bloodied shreds. This mosaic is woven out of shared experiences, goals, dreams, and memories, and the loss of that connection can be devastating.

When one person in a relationship dies, it can have a huge impact on the neurobiology of the other person. Every person's experience will be unique and can vary depending on factors like the support systems they have in place regardless of the length of the relationship. The death of a partner can cause feelings of shock and grief, which can produce a range of physical and emotional responses in the survivor. Neurobiological research suggests that the death of a partner can contribute to changes in the brain's hippocampus, amygdala, and prefrontal cortex, areas of the brain associated with emotion, memory, and decision-making. These changes can lead to an increase in stress hormones and an inability to process and store information.

These changes can also lead to increased anxiety and depression, as well as difficulties with decision-making and memory.

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Empathy and Support Everyone's experience is unique and will vary greatly depending on their circumstances. Ultimately, patience and support of those who have experienced the death of a partner are vital because the griever may need additional support and resources to help them cope and adjust to life without their partner.

One of the many difficult challenges of spousal bereavement is the aversion people have to the mourner.

Some people can't cope with another person's loss, so they turn away. It does not necessarily mean that people don't care. It's more a by-product of the pervasive absence of empathy that plagues society: we do not actively cultivate the tools for empathic awareness and inclusion. Sadly, however, a lack of empathy is not the exclusive preserve of spousal bereavement. The absence of empathy can alienate the griever, amplifying their sense of loss and anguish.

Beyond the Five Stages of Grief People often talk about the five stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The five stages model of grief was developed in 1969 by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, who authored On Death and Dying. Here, KüblerRoss explored a 'patient-focused, death-adjustment pattern' for the dying. Since then, the model has been widely applied to life after loss and grief in general. These stages may come and go and can be sequential or otherwise.

When it comes to acceptance, I prefer to think of the integration of loss and grief into our life after loss.

Integration is a clue to how we cope with our loss and find peace as we move into our future.

Integration is made possible by creating the space in our hearts for the reality of what was–whether this was the dream for a baby and a family, or the life spent with a loved one– and the possibility of new life after loss.

Self-Care, Healing, and a New Normal We find our way from loss to our “New Normal” by being kind to ourselves, consciously, and deliberately choosing to care for ourselves as we navigate our journey through spousal grief. In the long run, self-care is a form of

health care as it helps to fortify us against the potential for our grief to become complicated or prolonged. It is not an easy road, but in many ways, it is the only way through.

I don't think we can ever really 'heal' from our grief in the traditional sense of the word. Rather, we learn to live with it: our grief becomes an intrinsic part of who we are. Healing, therefore, is more about cultivating a capacity to endure the unthinkable and an inner resilience to withstand significant loss and the difficulties of the many challenges life brings.

With these thoughts in mind, the importance of fostering the capacity for healing and resilience is clear. A simple yet profound way to do this is through self-care, which encompasses a wide range of behaviors and practices that can improve our well-being, lower our stress levels, and facilitate healing.

Some of the most important types of self-care that everyone can practice during times of loss are: •

Active: Engage in activities that give your body and mind something to do and focus your attention on.

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Receptive: Pay attention to your feelings and emotions and use that information to guide your actions.

Self-care is vital to help process loss and move forward.

There are many ways to practice self-care, and those who are grieving will benefit from each of these in different ways. If you are grieving, you may find some activities more applicable to you at certain times, while others may work better for you at work or in your personal life. The most important thing is to find what works for you and make sure you are getting the support you need.

The most critical step towards finding peace after loss is acknowledging that your feelings matter, your grief is valid and a normal response to loss. In many ways, your grief journey is a sacred pilgrimage that we all must undertake at some time in our lives. Gift yourself the blessing of time, patience, and love. The journey toward healing and peace begins here.

Sasha Kershaw Reid (@pl.ic.alliance) is a writer, creator, self-care advocate, and the founder of Perinatal Loss & Involuntary Childlessness Alliance, based in Australia. www.plica.com.au www.tutumjournal.com

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HEALING GRIEF THROUGH YOGA

BY VERONICA SANTINI

Getting an infertility diagnosis felt like a punch in my stomach. It felt like a literal black hole widening and expanding inside of me. Hearing that I would not be able to conceive was a pain that felt very physical.

Who says that grief is not physical? Who says that any emotion is not physical?

Our body responds to grief and trauma and its cells store these unprocessed emotions.

As researchers such as Bessel van der Kolk have proved, emotions are very much in the body, so connecting with our own body, exploring it, moving it, and breathing through it can help to move those emotions, alchemise them, release them and find healing. As Bessel van der Kolk says, “In order to change, people need to become aware of their sensations and the way that their bodies interact with the world around them. Physical self-awareness is the first step in releasing the tyranny of the past.”

And one of the greatest ways to develop physical self-awareness is yoga.

Or maybe you are envisioning sitting for hours and hours in meditation or performing weird rituals that are just not who you are.

Well then, let me tell you: yoga is for all. If you are breathing, then you can do yoga.

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PHOTOGRAPHY BY: ELLARD VASEN

Now I can see your brain picturing your body contorting and getting into complicated pretzel shapes. You are probably thinking, “I am not able to do yoga; I cannot even touch my toes!”

What is yoga?

Yoga is not just a physical practice (asana - postures); yoga is also breath work (pranayama) and, what I like to call, a “life philosophy.”

Postures and movement help us open up, move stuck energy, and find physical wellbeing. When the body is happy, the mind can relax. What a yoga practice helps us do is listen to the subtle signals of the body. The desire that drives you towards yoga as movement shouldn’t be the simplistic, “let me be able to touch my toes,” but a deeper desire to connect within, to get to know yourself. The two most important phrases in therapy, as in yoga, are “Notice that” and “What happens next?” Once you start approaching your body with curiosity rather than with fear, everything shifts. So, the practice becomes a moment of self-enquiry and a chance to allow the energy to move and emotions to be processed.

The breath is a simple and scientific tool, yet it feels very mysterious to many. By manipulating our respiratory patterns, we can have impact on the nervous system by either turning on the sympathetic nervous system (SNS) or the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS). In this stressful society, we are most often in a state of fight or flight (SNS is active), so manipulating the breath (e.g., slowing down the breath and lengthening the exhales) can help activate the state of rest and digest (PNS) in which the body dedicates energy to healing and restoring.

Yoga comes with a rich philosophy, and I have listed some of the yogic principles that have helped me in my journey: •

Non-attachment (aparigraha), the concept that asks us to let go of our dependence on things of this world. Freedom comes when we surrender to the fact that nothing is permanent and when we learn to adapt to what life throws at us.

•

Contentment (santosha) reminds us to be joyful with what is and to be fully in the moment, because, when we are, that moment is complete. Contentment is there when we don’t seek it, but rather when we savour the moment as is.

•

Gratitude, strictly connected to contentment, is a continuous daily practice that keeps us centered in the joy and abundance of our own life.

Women’s retreats for deeper healing Yoga as intended above can be a powerful way of finding healing and it can be even more powerful when explored in the context of a relaxing getaway somewhere in nature, together with other women with whom you can connect and share your own story.

Women’s retreats, even when not specifically for the childless community, can be very healing experiences. They integrate all the ingredients – focus on the physical (with particular attention to the female anatomy) and emotional body, time for selfreflection, immersion in nature, and a chance for rest and self-care.

A retreat can be the perfect safe haven to dedicate time to healing and processing the grief of unwanted childlessness, even when not everybody participating is going through the same grief.

As a yoga teacher and retreat leader, I must say that the more heterogeneous the group, the more amazing the exchange among women and the realisation that there is not a single way to live life. And it’s this realisation that helps us let go of the often-rooted belief that we need to have kids to be complete. Life can still be beautiful and fulfilling.

Veronica Santini (@veronicasantini_yoga) is a yoga teacher, retreat leader, and women's health mentor, based in the Netherlands. www.veronicasantini.com www.tutumjournal.com

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The Tie That Binds Us

BY ADRIANA CASTRO

A fundamental human right in all spheres of society is the full and equal participation of women. Those of us who are childless not by choice (CNBC) are underrepresented on many occasions. Even worse, the few times in which we are made visible are through roles where we are represented as selfish people who prefer professional success over motherhood.

I was one of those girls. The system I grew up in taught me that one of the greatest things I could do as an adult was to get married and be a mother. I was always the dutiful daughter and, even though I graduated from college with honors, I often had a hard time believing in myself and my accomplishments.

Culture retains ideas in favor of the pronatalist mentality and the hegemonic maternal ideal; its consequences are far-reaching and negatively impact the well-being of those of us who could not be mothers because it leads us to experience a feeling of incompleteness.

This was accentuated when I wanted to get married and have children, but it was not possible. Witnessing other women achieving what I could not, created mistrust and insecurity in me. This led to thoughts that there must be something wrong with me, and no matter what I do, my accomplishments will not be enough because I have not achieved the most desired one – to start a family.

From the time we are little, we are encouraged to find role models to aspire and follow. Nevertheless, how can a girl dream of transforming the world through different roles if being a mother is presented as the most aspirational one?

There is an inconsistency when, as a child, people tell you that you can be whatever you want, but most of the toys received are created to develop care skills in favor of parenting, and they recognize you every time you care about others.

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Those of us who are CNBC can experience a kind of impostor syndrome because we can feel insufficient and lack confidence in ourselves. This leads us to stop being confident people on a personal level… and, of course, it affects the professional field as well.

Therefore, the representation of CNBC is so important. First, it inspires other women to feel truly free to choose what they want. Second, it shows that no role is a guarantee of happiness and well-being.

Happiness is the result of our actions, not the role we play. And third, it promotes a culture of equality among the different roles a woman can take—one is no more valuable than the other.

Let’s bet on solidarity among us and an effective way to do it is by putting shared humanity into practice. Have you heard of shared humanity? Perhaps you have experienced it without knowing what it is or implies.

When situations do not turn out as we expect, in our case to have the family we long for, we experience frustration, anger, sadness, or other similar emotions. Many times, we think about why this is happening to us, why we are so unlucky, or we complain about why reality is the way it is.

The turn is ours; we must assume ourselves as autonomous people capable of putting our well-being in the best hands: ours. What actions can we take to live a more enjoyable present and a more pleasant future?

From my experience as a psychologist specializing in non-maternity, we must invest our energy in two tasks: creating meaningful bonds and learning to accompany each other in solitude.

Effective bonds create true and trustworthy friendships in our present.

Create a support network that makes us feel loved, cared for, and respected.

When creating these bonds, it is important to have intergenerational friendships. This will allow us to have older friends who act as our mentors and younger friends who can help in our experience, and whom we can lean on when we are old.

We often think that our suffering is unique and that there is something wrong with us. However, it would help us to be aware that there are other CNBC women whose circumstances have also led them to go through the same situation. Knowing that we have all experienced those emotions… that we are human and, even though we would have liked to fulfill that desire, life gave us other cards to play.

The second task is to learn to accompany ourselves in solitude. Loneliness is a current experience in our lives that we need to stop fighting and learn to enjoy.

Discover the magic it hides and how much comfort it brings us when we learn to enjoy our own company. Let’s learn to make her an accomplice and not a rival.

We will achieve well-being when our life is built on a balance between lovingly accompanying us in solitude and enjoying true meaningful ties.

We had to create a plan B that implies giving new meaning to what happened to us and an enormous effort to face social pressure and the internal doubts that appear because we deviated from the expected path.

Trust that you can create a plan B that allows you to have a life of well-being, happiness, and meaning. While you are building it, you will realize that plan B is like plan A with more learning.

Adriana Castro (@adricdmx) is the founder of Call2action, a psychologist, speaker, trainer, instructor, and magazine columnist, based in Mexico. www.cta.org.mx www.tutumjournal.com

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THE CURIOUS CASE OF INVOLUNTARY CHILDLESSNESS

BY SARAH CHAMBERLIN

One in eight women of reproductive age face difficulty in conceiving or carrying a pregnancy to full term, which makes infertility as common as breast cancer and more common than type 2 diabetes.

However we arrive here, most of us know the gate to involuntary childlessness is typically ambiguous and unmarked. And rife with disenfranchisement. Instead of the usual condolences, ceremonies, and casseroles, for me emerging from multiple fertility treatments without a child mostly brought fanfare of “all of the great things I could do with my life now.”

From the fanciful pictures people painted, I was going to travel throughout the world, or perhaps even the entire solar system.

My life without children was wondrously going to entail an endless supply of disposable income – never mind the tens of thousands I had just dropped on failed treatments.

All along with, of course, much socialization and “me time” galore. So, what actually happened?

Approximately 50% who endure multiple failed fertility treatments have been found to emerge with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I was part of this unlucky half. Five rounds of IUI, one surgery (for endometriosis diagnosed at age 40), followed by five rounds of IVF took its toll on my mental health. PTSD and recovery from it were a debilitating factor in my daily life for the four to five years that followed.

Three years after my last fertility treatment, I contracted a virus that attacked my autonomic nervous system. Though my nerve damage continues to resolve, and I can expect to make a full recovery, my physical and even mental functions 20

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have taken a hit over the last six years. It took thirty-three months until I was able to go food shopping alone and unmedicated, for example.

Shielding myself from the retraumatizing indifference and dismissals towards my losses was necessary for me to heal.

By the time my nervous system fiasco came along, my inperson support systems were bare. And the overlap between my childless traumatic grief and the early years of Noonan syndrome, a nervous system disorder that affects multiple bodily functions, severely limited opportunities for doing anything about it. Enter the pandemic a few years later and my social isolation only became more exaggerated.

In the meantime, other things were unraveling it became painfully evident that not being able to have children provided no sort of a karmic shield from life’s other crisis.

Financial troubles emerged, and the ongoing stress of both negatively impacted my health. While infertility and childlessness didn’t cause our financial woes directly, they exacerbated and added to them on multiple fronts.

All the while, the societally presumed ease of not having children followed me around like a toxic fume cloud. I found myself continuously explaining to people that grief and trauma recovery did not constitute “free time.” And neither does rebuilding your life from the ground up in middle age.

When a mild case of scoliosis threatened my dream of offering yoga to our childless demographic, I advocated fiercely for my medical care. Only I was concerned with how badly, as a childless person, I might need the function of my body in my older years.

The obvious dissonance between my lived reality and the dominant narrative as to what our assumedly easy, breezy childless lives are like begged the question – what on earth gives?

And so, at some point, I began to get curious. What are the documented health impacts of life-altering loss? And what are the long-term health impacts associated with social isolation, something that can be so prominent within the childless experience? How does not having children impact someone’s health overall and has anyone even bothered to take an interest as of yet?

Fortunately, I was able to find some information. Starting with some health impacts of something most, if not all childless not by choice people share – the experience of grief itself. While the findings are not easy to digest by any means, I believe it’s important to have the full potential reality of the childless experience out in the open. It’s the only way action can be taken both individually and collectively.

According to Harvard Medical School, “Grieving takes a toll on the body in the form of stress. Stress affects the whole body and all organ systems, especially the immune system.

Evidence suggests that immune cell function falls and inflammatory responses rise in people who are grieving.

That may be why people often get sick more often and use more health care resources during this period.”

Thankfully, when felt and processed, raw, all-encompassing grief does ebb eventually. Though there were many years when I couldn’t even begin to imagine the possibility!

But what about social isolation? There are exponentially more online options for the childless not by choice than there were even nine years ago when I found myself in the unexpected transition to non-parenthood. And yet, our integration into the outer world is still quite void. When we involve ourselves in the outer world, it is all too often within the expectation of attunement to the parented view and perspective. As a result, our social connections are much less likely to include reciprocity, an important aspect of healthy, non-toxic interactions.

Studies have often found that marginalized groups are at a higher risk of social isolation (limited contact and interactions with people). While social isolation and loneliness (a feeling that can be had no matter how many people one might be around) are two distinct aspects of social relationships, it is clear they can both put health at risk.

As we can see, it’s crucial we take our losses and experiences seriously as childless people. This is not always a fluid task in a world that, at least as of now, does not include them in the broader conversation. There are many things I have instinctively done that ended up serving as offsets to all the above risk factors. I’ve immersed myself in therapeutic pursuits I enjoy and find interesting – from gardening to writing to yoga to exercising.

Connecting and staying in touch with other childless people, especially outside of social media, has been an ongoing staple for me. While my online and geographically distant social connections do not take the place of local, in-person connections, they have been an unequivocal saving grace.

And, as I transition into menopause, the most important thing with all the above is, I’m still learning what I need as I go.

While the disparities are by far not insurmountable, one person alone cannot offset the potential impacts of involuntary childlessness. The wave of wellness offerings popping up in our demographic is a wonderful start to a new, collective approach.

Society’s assumption that not having children is inherently easier than having them concerns me deeply. It is my sincere hope that our real needs can be seen and met not only by us as individuals, but also by the systems that should be supporting us, and lastly that we can re-wire this false narrative to something that is a better fit with our collective reality.

Sarah Chamberlin (@afterwardhonestyyoga) is a writer, yoga practitioner, teacher, and the creator of Afterward Honesty Yoga, based in the United States. www.afterwardhonesty.com www.tutumjournal.com

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Coming Home to Your Body

BY SARAH JANE SMITH

How are you feeling in your body right now as you read this?

The answer will likely be complex and bring up a myriad of feelings. But, on the other hand, the answer might be that you don't know how to start, or just don't know. These are two typical responses I have felt myself and heard from other childless women.

In general, societal beliefs and norms tell women that their bodies are wrong no matter what they do or how they look. We are constantly bombarded with messages that we need to change our bodies to fit in, be pleasing, and be enough. Taking this into account, I know I didn't begin the journey to childlessness with a great relationship with my body. Still, I can feel how my experiences exacerbated an already problematic relationship.

My journey to childlessness involved unexplained infertility, multiple miscarriages, and a chronic illness that led to a hysterectomy. These experiences left me disconnected and distrustful of my body. I had the profound sense that my body had let me down, as it couldn't do what I witnessed other women's bodies doing all around me, and I felt less than for it.

After multiple miscarriages, I found myself in a place where the stakes were high, and I was without appropriate emotional support. To survive monthly disappointments, doctor appointments, tests, and treatments, disassociating became my default mode. Disassociation is a natural nervous system response that serves the vital function of self-protection. It feels like being separate from the world around you, emotionally unattached, and numb. However, I am grateful for the natural self-protective processes of my body, but about a year after my hysterectomy, I realized that I had become stuck in disassociation mode, and it was showing up as distrust and disconnection. It became clear that my body needed just as much healing attention as I was giving my grieving heart. It sounds paradoxical to say that I simultaneously felt like a raw exposed nerve and numb.

I realized that I felt detached from my body, and it became evident that I needed to heal that relationship and move to a more connected and trusting state.

It took quite a while to identify that how I feel in my body and how I feel about my body are two different things. Of course, there is an overlap between the two, but this subtle perspective shift profoundly affected my overall wellbeing; it helped me begin the journey to accept my childlessness and myself.

Being a long-time yoga and embodiment teacher, you would think this would have been obvious to me earlier. However, this delayed understanding is further proof of the disassociation/freeze response. I also believe that I needed time to come to this realization before I was ready for this next step.

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I turned to the tools I already had from my mindful embodied yoga practice, and I focused on learning to feel safe and 'at home' in my body. This allowed me to integrate my childless grief further and begin to open up to feel what I had been missing, permission to feel possibility, excitement, ease, and acceptance.

What is mindful embodied yoga?

Mindfulness is an awareness to 'be' with your present moment experience.

To invite acceptance of what you are feeling without judging or trying to push any parts of yourself away.

Embodiment, simply put, means coming home to your body. It starts with recognizing that you have a body and can integrate movement and sensation. It progresses to befriending your body and then relating to your body as a resource.

So how do you start doing mindful embodied yoga?

There likely won't be a class at your local studio that you can attend, but the good news is that you can start right where you are. No mat or spandex is required! So, let's go back to the beginning.

How do you feel in your body?

Right here, right now.

What position are you in while you read this?

Which parts of your body are touching something solid?

What sensations are present in your body?

Do you notice tension and tightness? Where?

What emotions are present when you bring awareness to your body?

Whatever response these questions inspire, acknowledge them, and meet them with kindness.

When approached with mindfulness and embodiment as core intentions, yoga moves away from the exercise routine it has become known as. The focus of mindful embodied yoga is to create a container for tuning into what you feel, where you feel it, and meeting your whole self with kindness and compassion. It gives you a safe space to begin exploring and being with your body's everyday sensations, which helps build trust in your body and yourself.

Once you reach the stage of relating to your body as a resource, you may discover that your body gives you insight, and you learn to trust that information. When you cultivate a practice of tuning into this information, it can help you: • • • • • •

Find and amplify self-confidence Build trust in yourself and, in turn, helps you trust others Identify your values and what is important to you Make decisions that align with your values Feel accepted and like you belong Broaden the range of emotions: happiness, joy, wellbeing, and possibility

Can you be curious about your experience? If this mini practice brings up uncomfortable or judgemental feelings about yourself or your body, can you notice them without following and amplifying them?

While this practice is simple, it isn't easy. Tuning in to your body and meeting all that is there can be challenging and confronting. It can be difficult to come out of the freeze response and be open to connecting with your body.

So, take a deep breath through your nose and let all the air out through your mouth. Orient to the room around you for a few seconds, returning to the safety and familiarity of where you are. Build up your embodiment experience with short, contained practices.

While this practice can be challenging, the rewards of doing it are great. Building trust and connection with yourself and your body is essential to moving forward with acceptance and feeling the possibility of life. Including your mind, heart, and body in your healing journey will bring you a muchdeserved overall sense of well-being. Go slowly and be kind to yourself.

Sarah Jane Smith (@embodiedpossibility) is an embodiment teacher and coach who offers mindful yoga sessions for childless not by choice women, based in Canada. www.embodiedpossibility.com www.tutumjournal.com

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Ways to Center the Needs of Your Pets

BY STEPHANIE KEESEY-PHELAN, PH.D.

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I have loved animals from a young age. My sisters and I begged our parents for a dog and when that didn’t work, we tried to satisfy ourselves with stuffed animals, and the dogs of family and friends. Eventually, when I was around nine years old, we adopted a Rottweiler named Rocky and it was love at first sight.

Fast-forward a few decades and some twisty-turny career changes, I am now a Behavior Analyst who works full-time with dogs and their people. My co-founder and I provide one-onone dog behavior consultation and training, group classes, and professional courses in behavior analysis. Most of my clients are single people or childless couples who share their lives with one or more dogs. Although I don’t know how they came to be in their circumstances, I do know that each of my clients reached out because they needed support with their dogs who are their beloved family members.

Our household consists of four of us: my husband, an almost two-year-old mini– Australian Shepherd named Kerberos (“Kerby” for short), a nine-year-old orange tabby cat named Fozzie (“Foz” for short), and me. Although I love and have loved all of the animals I have shared my life with, Kerby in particular holds a special place in my heart. He came into our lives in April 2021 at an utterly devastating time. The autumn before Kerby arrived in our lives, I suffered a second miscarriage. Within a week of losing our baby, our 12-year-old dog Levi was diagnosed with terminal prostate cancer. A few weeks after that, I was diagnosed with cancer as well. Levi got me through three months of chemotherapy before he succumbed to his disease. In the pain of all that loss, Kerby was an antidote.

So, I am attached to Kerby in a way I haven’t been with any other pet before. He came home at a time when I felt broken. I was staring down loss after loss and needed to snuggle and be snuggled until I could find my way again. My husband, though initially reluctant to get a dog so soon after Levi’s passing, told me he was grateful because he could see how much I needed the emotional support Kerby provided. As we discussed whether to continue the road to parenthood, Kerby was there making us laugh, snuggling with us on the couch, and getting me out of the house for walks in the woods. He brought play and joy back into our lives. When we decided it was time to close the chapter on human parenthood, I looked at our little family and knew that though the road ahead would be filled with grief, I was far from alone.

I am quite certain I am not the only person to have an experience like this. According to an American Veterinary Medical Association study, 38.4% of households (over 48 million families) share their home with a dog. This number has grown since the pandemic fueled a rise in pet caregiving and there’s no question as to why. Aside from the love and companionship they provide us, additional studies have described the benefits of caring for a pet emotionally and physically. Among these benefits are decreased blood pressure, feelings of loneliness, anxiety, and symptoms of PTSD to name a few. For many people in our childless not by choice community, sharing their home with a pet can be incredibly fulfilling.

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In my case, Kerby has helped heal an emotional void left by two miscarriages and cancer. This won’t be the case for everyone though, as each of us comes to our relationships with animals from a different perspective. My husband, for example, does not identify as a pet parent, though I like to think he enjoys sharing our lives with Kerby and Fozzie.

Pictured

here,

Kerby

As we consider our pets, there are two important things that we often fail to address. The first is that, as animals, our pets are sentient beings with their own needs. The second is that, as a different species from us, our pets' needs are different in many ways from the needs of a human baby. Please don’t misunderstand me. I have gladly adopted the titles of dog and cat mom. When it comes to the pets we share our lives with, I find it critical to remember that we are in a relationship with them. Though in any relationship, where my personal emotional and social needs are important, I try not to center them when it comes to my pets. This is because Kerby and Fozzie are and always will be at the mercy of my decision-making. I decide when, what, and how much they eat, what we do each day, where we go or don’t go, and who comes into our home. Although I strongly believe that pets are a part of the family, whether we consider ourselves pet parents or not, we must remember that our pets have their own needs and they have limited options and agency when it comes to what their lives look like.

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What does centering the needs of pets look like? Here are three things that I’ve found useful: 1.

I encourage all my clients to learn about how their dog communicates with body language. Dogs can’t speak words as we do, but their body language, both subtle and not so subtle, can tell us about how they are feeling if we take the time to learn it.

2. Once I know what my dog is saying, I respect his communication as often as possible. Even if I’ve had the worst day in the world and could use a snuggle, if Kerby’s body language is telling me he doesn’t want to be snuggled I give him his space. The same goes for Fozzie.

I also don’t dress up my pets, because in my case, both Kerby and Fozzie hate dressing up. As much as I’d love to see them in Santa hats for Christmas or costumes for Halloween, I hold back.

3. I observe my pets’ preferences and try to give them choices whenever possible. This can be for small things like where they’d like to rest in our home or which of two treats they’d like to have, or for bigger things like whether or not to engage in a training exercise with me or what direction we go on a walk. How can I tell what my pets prefer? It all comes back to understanding their body language.

I can tell my pets’ preferences by having learned what behaviors they engage in when they’re stressed and what behaviors they engage in when they’re excited and joyful.

I always try to promote joy when it comes to interactions with animals and though the list above is not exhaustive, it may provide a starting point for doing just that. When we seek to understand and respect our pets, we cultivate stronger and more fulfilling bonds with them. I’ve found that we can enjoy the richness of these relationships most when we see our pets as sentient beings and individual family members who have their own needs and lives.

The caretaking of animals has always been a deep joy for me. In my second year of childlessness, pet caregiving has taken on an even greater meaning, as I consider and honor Kerby and Fozzie’s place in our family.

Stephanie Keesey-Phelan, PH.D., BCBA, CCUI, FFCP (@s.keeseyphelan) is a dog behaviorist, poet, and writer, based in the United States. www.stephaniekeeseyphelan.com

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GAME CHANGER

Sparking a Movement

BY NINA PLUMMER

T

he space of advocacy and community building for people without children is a fresh and evolving space.

Not long ago, this space was almost non-existent. As it grows, shifts, and evolves, we need compassionate, thoughtful voices, able to hold their pain and the pain of others tenderly and with compassion, while also being able to recognize the wider systemic forces that need to be deconstructed if future generations are to have an easier time of integrating involuntary childlessness into their lives in a meaningful and healing way.

Katy Seppi is one of the powerful voices contributing to creating an empathic, inclusive, and much-needed space for the community of involuntarily childless women to come together. What makes her contribution so valuable is not only her ability to notice and put into words with precision and grace what can be so challenging to do in a world where the voices of people without children have historically been silenced but to also do this with the thoughtfulness required to hold all the complexity of this unexpected pathway of womanhood.

Following the creation of her website and social media presence, as well as her popular annual 4-day Childless Collective Summit, she is now the new leader of Lighthouse Women (formerly Gateway Women), a private online community for childless women (and anyone who identifies as such in a significant way) which was originally set up by pioneer Jody Day. 28

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Inspired by her tireless work, I was pleased to connect with Katy Seppi to share insights on her remarkable journey and what to expect in the future.

Nina Plummer: Please tell us about yourself, your career path/background, and how you have used your background in community organizing with your current mission.

Katy Seppi: I have a master’s degree in social work with an emphasis on community empowerment and program development. For the past decade, I have worked for nonprofits on grassroots organizing and policy advocacy.

While I have loved working at the policy level, I am much more passionate about using my expertise to create support and community for those who are childless. I’ve found that my background in community building, event planning, and program development have all been instrumental in creating the Childless Collective Summit and taking on Lighthouse Women. I think it also gives me a unique perspective on how I see the childless community and the infrastructures we need to provide lasting support to those who are navigating childlessness now and for future generations.

NP: What are some of the shifts that we need to be working for within the wider world to make the involuntary passage into this life transition less painful for future generations?

KS: I think we need to start by supporting our practitioners and community makers. So many of us give our time and expertise without compensation. This inevitably leads to burnout and people discontinuing their work within the community. This is awkward to talk about, but the truth is, we all have bills to pay and can only give so much of our free time. For us to build a lasting infrastructure of support, we need to support the builders. If you’re looking for a coach or therapist, see if you can find one who is childless. You’ll probably have a better experience and you’re supporting their practice so they can be there for future generations. Subscribe to Tutum Journal. If there’s a childless podcast you like, see if they take donations. If you would like to take a yoga, writing, meditation, or art class, there are practitioners specializing in that too. If you appreciate World Childless Week, send a donation. By making this work sustainable for community leaders and practitioners, you’re helping to build that infrastructure of support for future generations too.

Also, when community leaders and practitioners are supported, they can grow their work and become advocates for the childless community to society at large.

NP: What led you to the work of supporting and being an activist for the CNBC community and the wider community of people living without children?

KS: When I realized that I couldn’t have kids, I felt really alone. I started Chasing Creation as a blog and Instagram account hoping to connect with others who were going through a similar experience. Since my professional background is in community organizing and program development, I immediately started seeing the childless community through that lens. The gaps in connection and support were so astounding that I started brainstorming what I could create to fill the need.

NP: Grief is such an important part of the early stages of involuntary childlessness. What have you learned about grief and moving through the most challenging parts of this experience?

KS: I remember when I was in my deepest grief; it felt impossible that I’d ever feel anything else again. Now, I rarely feel grief around my childlessness, and I’ve seen so many others who have had the same experience. I am a strong believer that time itself doesn’t heal all wounds. You have to find tools to help you feel it in a safe way and then navigate it. There’s no quick route, but I found that for me, therapy, self-exploration, reconnecting with joy, and connecting with others in the childless community were essential.

NP: What have been some of the wider changes you have observed in the CNBC community over the last several years?

KS: I’ve been amazed at how many people are publicly talking about their experience of being childless. Five years ago, I struggled to find people and resources to connect with. Now there are so many practitioners, podcasts, social media accounts, blogs, and other resources to explore. This is huge because the more vocal we are, the easier it is for us to find one another, and then collaborations and connections can be made. As a community organizer, I’m thrilled because these are the building blocks we need in place to become a strong, cohesive community. www.tutumjournal.com

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I remember when I was in my deepest grief; it felt impossible that I’d ever feel anything else again. Now, I rarely feel grief around my childlessness, and I’ve seen so many others who have had the same experience. I am a strong believer that time itself doesn’t heal all wounds.

You have to find tools to help you feel it in a safe way and then navigate it. There’s no quick route, but I found that for me, therapy, self-exploration, reconnecting with joy, and connecting with others in the childless community were essential.

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NP: What do you feel are some of the biggest challenges that people without children, and CNBC people in particular, face within our society?

KS: It’s hard to know where to start with this question. When I realized I would be childless, I knew I’d have a mountain of internal grief to process. What I didn’t expect was having to navigate all the ways my childlessness impacted my relationships with others and where I fit in society. I’m shocked at how unaware people are of the experience and needs of those of us who are childless. Womanhood outside of motherhood is tangled up in patriarchal views and expectations, taboo, and stigma, and the pronatalist view that motherhood trumps all else. It can be a crushing amount to navigate when you’re already going through grief. This is further complicated by the fact that we each have identities that intersect with our childlessness which often create additional layers of discrimination, stigma, and taboo.

NP: If you could dispel a couple of myths about childlessness NOT being a choice, which myths would those be?

KS: That anyone who wants to be a parent can become one. That if you try hard enough or want it badly enough, it will happen. That there are many ways to end up childless not by choice, not just through infertility, and that no matter the path, the grief and experiences we have are all valid and should be recognized.

NP: What do you have planned for the coming year that you are most excited about?

KS: I have some big ideas I’d like to bring to Lighthouse Women to build on the incredible foundation Jody Day created. I’m also starting to think about the 2023 Childless Collective Summit, which I would like to plan as a hybrid event so there is an in-person option in addition to the online event. Above all, I’m committed to working to make the vision I see for the future of the childless community a reality—specifically, the focus on community building and representation.

NP: What first sparked your interest in taking on Lighthouse Women?

KS: To be honest, I was totally floored when Jody approached me about it. I have always admired her as a pioneer in our community and am in awe of all she’s built over the past decade. When we spoke, Jody said she had other exciting projects for Gateway Women that she wanted to put more time and energy into and that she wanted her legacy with the online community to carry on for future generations. I am honored that she had faith in me to take this on and I am so grateful for the opportunity. Saying “yes” was a given, as the online community is so aligned with the work I wanted to be doing within the childless community. I’m excited to bring my unique flavor and ideas to the space while honoring the foundation she built.

NP: What advice would you give to your younger self?

KS: Listen to and trust yourself.

You DO know what’s best for you, so don’t be afraid to let go of others’ expectations.

You’re going to be okay.

You’re doing the best you can with the information and coping skills you have right now and I’m proud of you.

Let yourself rest.

Never stop advocating for yourself, your health, and your needs.

Learn to love yourself and your body, your relationship with yourself will be the longest relationship you carry throughout your life.

Connect with Katy: @chasingcreation • www.chasingcreation.org

Nominate A Game Changer: Know a childless woman making a difference?

Email us at info@tutumjournal.com.

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Cover Story

BEARING WITNESS Therapeutic Spaces for and by Childless Women

BY JOBI TYSON

Childless women aren’t a monolith. We’re multifaceted. But we all experience stigmatization, pronatalism, and the intersections between the two. And there’s more to living a healthy fulfilling life than eating right and working out. Mental wellbeing is also a vital part of living well, and a lifelong process that requires frequent check-ins and recalibrations. For childless not by choice (CNBC) women, coping is a fraught and unceasing endeavor with many suffering in silence. Coping includes the complex emotions that come from disenfranchised grief, and existential crises, and it also includes fears of social exclusion and grappling with isolation and unspoken bias in the workplace. It encompasses the mundane disappointments of involuntary childlessness: regardless of the path which led to this unexpected life. How are childless women coping right now? How have we coped thus far? How do we process our feelings against stigmatization, worth, and wholeness?

If you’re an involuntary childless woman who is feeling the emotional impacts of the life hoped for, you’re not alone. For CNBC women, the hurdles linked to seeking out a culturally competent therapist or wellness expert can seem insurmountable. Yet for those who are willing and able to not only seek help but find a mental health or wellness professional who’s also CNBC, the benefits can be undeniably affirming, as they’re compelled to hold space for the feelings you’re experiencing.

Childless female representation in the therapist and wellness community has been scarce – which isn’t only limiting but discouraging when seeking therapeutic services. Fighting against the status quo is CNBC Wellness Collaborative, a platform created to help CNBC women get the proper mental health aid. Offering a range of benefits from wellness workshops to self-care products, CNBC Wellness Collaborative will help erase the stigma in the CNBC community of mental health. To help you discover where you’re thriving and where you’re facing challenges, we’ve also curated a growing directory to help the CNBC community find virtual CNBC therapists and wellness practitioners.

Ten founding members of the CNBC Wellness Collaborative Directory shared their go-to coping strategies and the importance of taking wellbeing into their own hands.

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Naomi Geidel

Life Purpose/Transition Coach Specialties: Anxiety, Depression, Childless Not By Choice, Extended Singleness

Why is it important for you to help guide childless women along their wellness journey?

I believe each of us is created with a purpose and there is joy for us to experience. Going through the grief journey touches every part of our being, so I desire to support and encourage those who are navigating this road so that they can find peace, joy, and purpose yet again.

What is your best advice for those seeking coping strategies to manage their grief?

This is a beautiful yet brutal process to walk through. Allow the tears to flow. It's amazing what strength is built by allowing ourselves to be witnessed in our snot-filled and ugly tears. Speak your truth even when your voice shakes. Be your own best friend. Listen with care, talk with kindness, and encourage with love. Keep in mind that this deep grief will not last forever. You will process through it and there will be better days yet again.

Sheri Johnson Holistic Health Coach

Specialties: Infertility, Perinatal Loss, Menopause, Spirituality, Midlife, Nutrition

Why is it important for you to help guide childless women along their wellness journey?

It’s important for me to help guide childless women along their wellness journey, first, because I am a childless woman and understand what they’re going through but more importantly, because I have been able to create the physical, emotional, and spiritual wellbeing that enables me to live a life that I love and be a person that feels worthy in this world.

When you figure that out, you must share it. It feels like there is no other choice.

What is your best advice for those seeking coping strategies to manage their grief?

Firstly, find a peaceful and safe place where you can allow the emotions to surface. Time doesn’t heal by itself. It’s releasing the emotion that heals. Next, look for support that aligns with who you are and what you need. You don’t have to grieve behind closed doors. Lastly, get into nature when you feel low. Go to the beach, the park, a forest, even just put on some nature sounds and close your eyes. Nature always comforts and encourages us. www.tutumjournal.com

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Sarah Roberts

Specialist Grief Counsellor

Specialties: Childlessness Grief & Renewal, Narrative, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Self-Compassion, Existential/Practical Philosophy

Why is it important for you to help guide childless women along their wellness journey?

Every childless woman I’ve met is a fascinating human being called to an unconventional path. What energizes me is observing women’s personal growth and maturation as they come to see and experience this for themselves. It’s also personal. This is my story. I’ve experienced grief and social exclusion, and I know what it means to feel alone with childlessness. We’ve gone off the cultural script and we’re all working it out.

I love working with women navigating this time of unexpected change and at this time in human history, we are needed.

Living the second half of our life as involuntary childless women is a truly creative process and I love exploring this together.

What is your best advice for those seeking coping strategies to manage their grief?

One of the first tasks might be to create a sanctuary in your life. To create a space (on all levels) for processing your experience.

It can be helpful to take a look at who is on your support team, connect with a childlessness grief-informed counsellor or therapist, and other childless not by choice women. Most important is gently exploring your relationship with yourself. How do you hold your relationship with your current and past selves? It’s not unusual to be quite critical, and have regrets and other complex emotions, thoughts, beliefs, and trauma that might need to be addressed to help us process the grief.

Adriana Castro Psychologist

Specialties: Anxiety, Infertility, Social Infertility, Perinatal Loss, Menopause, Childless Not By Choice, Spanish-Speaking Women

Why is it important for you to help guide childless women along their wellness journey?

Because we all want well-being; however, when we go through an adverse stage it is even more challenging to achieve it. In my case, my plan to get married and have children failed. I lived that stage in my life in solitude and silence.

I thought there was something wrong with me because my friends were achieving what I could not. That is why now I help women, who are going through this state, to reconnect with their happiness and wellbeing.

What is your best advice for those seeking coping strategies to manage their grief?

It is okay not to be okay… all the time. Accepting unpleasant emotions such as fear, anger or sadness does not make you weak – it makes you human. Do not go through this alone. Seek the help that offers you tools to reduce your negative internal dialogue regarding your non-maternity and allows you to develop emotional skills to feel resilient, happy, and sufficient.

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Judy Graham

Certified Practising Counsellor

Specialties: Childless By Infertility, Childless By Circumstances, Reproductive Health Issues, Grief & Loss, Trauma, Life Transitions

Why is it important for you to help guide childless women along their wellness journey?

Since childlessness is still such a disenfranchised experience and it’s not well understood in the broader mental health sector (yet), too many women still suffer in silence. I’ve come to recognise just how fundamental healing validation, compassion, and connection are. Childlessness isn’t something to be fixed or solved; it’s a life-changing experience that calls for witnessing and deep understanding. If I can combine my counselling training with my CNBC lived experience to help women feel a sense of safety, empathy, and hope, then I’m meeting a very real need. It’s a privilege to walk alongside CNBC women as they make sense of things and navigate new ways forward, and I’m grateful to be able to provide the kind of support I wish I’d had when I was coming to terms with my childlessness over a decade ago.

What is your best advice for those seeking coping strategies to manage their grief?

Grief needs company – the losses and grief of childlessness are often not visible or tangible, and it’s very common for the pain of grief to be disenfranchised, unnoticed, and invalidated by those around us. If we’ve been judged or given unhelpful advice, it’s natural to keep our pain to ourselves, and for the grief process to get stuck. Even though it’s hard, talking about our story, and receiving validation, both help to activate the grief process. If you can find a safe, empathetic friend, or a CNBC support group (in-person or on-line) it might help to share what’s happening for you. You don’t have to do this alone. If you don’t have anyone in your circle, or your grief feels stuck or prolonged, a therapist can provide support to help with the grieving process. Either way, it’s important you test the waters to see if you feel safe enough and know that you can share on your terms.

Bindi Shah

Meditation Teacher and Life Coach Specialties: Anxiety, Spirituality, Meditation, Childless Not By Choice, Mentoring CNBC South Asian Women

Why is it important for you to help guide childless women along their wellness journey?

I have a passion for helping other childless women, as I understand what being a childless woman means. The heartbreak, the ton of bricks falling on you, the brokenness, the deep grief that you will not live the life you thought you would. I have been through that and am emerging into a different life and would love to see other childless women also moving gently toward a thriving future.

What is your best advice for those seeking coping strategies to manage their grief?

Always be gentle. Grief is hard and moving through grief is hard. We are so quick to beat ourselves up and try to hurry our healing process. I always say slow and gentle. Take each day as it comes. There will be good moments in the day and challenging moments.

Know that every moment does pass and be gentle in this journey. www.tutumjournal.com

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Katie Maynard

Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker

Specialties: Anxiety, Workplace Stress, Depression, Emotional Regulation, Self-Esteem, Family Conflict, Boundary Setting, Cancer Diagnosis

Why is it important for you to help guide childless women along their wellness journey?

Because I am deeply grateful to the people and resources that helped me along my own path. I would love to be able to give back to this very special community.

What is your best advice for those seeking coping strategies to manage their grief?

Take it slow and create a circle of support with those whom you can truly be yourself around. Know that every feeling, even the really dark ones, that comes up for you is natural and holds wisdom.

Sarah Jane Smith

Embodiment Teacher and Coach Specialties: Health & Wellness Coaching, Meditation, Self-Compassion, Yoga, Childless Not By Choice

Why is it important for you to help guide childless women along their wellness journey?

Guiding other women on their wellness journeys allows me to combine my professional skills as a coach and embodiment teacher with my personal experience as a childless woman. It is important for me to be a way-shower for those on the childless path, to offer guidance and support that I wish I had. Creating welcoming spaces where fellow childless women feel seen and heard creates belonging and lifts us all so we can move forwards with acceptance, compassion, and excitement for life.

What is your best advice for those seeking coping strategies to manage their grief?

Accept that what you feel is grief. Make space for your grief. No one else will make space for your grief if you don't. It will not go away if unfaced; it will come out in confusing ways. Create and maintain boundaries. You do not owe anyone an explanation of why you don’t have children. People will ask, but you get to choose how you respond. Surround yourself with people who understand whether in-person or online, with supportive friends and family who know your story and can be there for you whether they have children or not, or support groups. Get professional help. Reconnect with yourself. Ask yourself how you can rekindle the spark of who you are beyond wanting to be a mother. Grab a pen and paper, set a five-minute timer, write freely, and see what comes up.

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Carrie Brauninger Therapist and Life Coach

Specialties: Anxiety, Depression, Women's Issues, Childlessness, Extended Singleness

Why is it important for you to help guide childless women along their wellness journey?

Childlessness not by choice is brutal. There is not much representation of women grieving and going on to live a life that is meaningful, purposeful, and fun. I want to help more women find this path since it isn't represented often around us.

What is your best advice for those seeking coping strategies to manage their grief?

Find a childless community. It is ok to lurk around for a bit. When you are comfortable, consider engaging with others.

Journal and put your feelings down instead of bottling them up. It is easy to bottle up feelings related to childlessness because there isn't a lot of language to describe the feeling. Look up disenfranchised grief and journal about this concept resonates with your experience if you need a starting point.

Sasha Reid

Perinatal Loss Coach

Specialties: Perinatal Loss (early and late miscarriage, prematurity, stillbirth, and neonatal loss), Infertility, Involuntary Childlessness

Why is it important for you to help guide childless women along their wellness journey?

I cherish and value women who are childless not by choice. We share a very special bond. When we help each other, we help our cause and shed light on our plight, which, I believe, should be globally recognised.

What is your best advice for those seeking coping strategies to manage their grief?

Gift yourself the blessing of self-care, time, patience, and love. The journey toward healing and peace begins here.

To learn more about their background, offerings, and for exclusive provider discounts, visit www.CNBCWellness.com.

www.tutumjournal.com

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Professional Burnout:

A Self-Care Plan for Mental Health Providers

BY KATIE MAYNARD, LCSW

When people hear that a primary focus of my psychotherapy practice is working with childless clients, it is very common for them to say, “Isn’t that so sad? You must hear such depressing things!” Of course, exposure to difficult topics and clients in pain comes with the territory of counseling, but as providers, we are not always taught how to fully care for ourselves while attending to the mental health of others. I have been very lucky to have learned helpful lessons about self-care from my prior supervision and training that I take with me into my work within this niche.

This job makes an impact on us. How could it not? The disenfranchised nature of childlessness can make it even harder for us to find our own support as we consult within the field. We can sometimes hear comments from other healthcare providers about our clients, such as anyone can be a parent if they wanted or if they truly wanted parenthood, they would have adopted. It can require thick skin to relay the clinical themes we hear to our colleagues and to try to engage them in our work to create a louder voice for the community.

One way to channel the impacts of our work is to refocus 38

TUTUM JOURNAL spring 2023

the energy into change efforts. We can experience and model empowered wellness by partnering with our clients and colleagues to deconstruct the harmful narratives about childlessness, both within a session and within the profession.

Before I touch on nurturing our wellness, let’s take a moment to talk about how we might recognize when we are edging into unhealthy territory. It’s important to know your red flags for times when you need to re-focus on your needs. Are you dreading a client or topic? Are you having a hard time staying consistent with your boundaries in some way? Do you have a sense of hopelessness or helplessness? Are your creativity and energy diminished?

Do you find yourself feeling guilty about not doing enough or resent feeling pushed to do too much?

These can all be signs that we are having a response to the trauma and loss within the experience of childlessness.

When I talk with other therapists about work in this niche, I recognize a common tension between wanting to do more and not wanting to create a situation of burnout for ourselves. How can we give to the community while maintaining our healthy balance?

Here are four self-care tips that could be helpful along your professional journey:

Setting Boundaries

Creating a Supportive Network

Sometimes the best self-care can be establishing boundaries and finding ways to advocate for yourself. It is important to set limits on the amount of time we spend on work and take breaks throughout the day to allow ourselves time to process and recharge. At times, scheduling may not be totally up to the provider, but even small micro-breaks can help. Establishing a grounding practice before and after your workday can help keep things within proper boundaries. I’m a big fan of a walk outside, even just around the block.

The support of colleagues or friends can provide the deep listening and understanding that we need to process the ways that our job affects us. This could be formal, like a consult group or supervision session, or more informal like finding a ‘biz bestie’ out there to check in with as needed.

Participating in our own therapy or healing space is essential as well.

Regularly Scheduled Self-Care

It is important to remember that we are human and are ‘enough’ within our professional realm too. Inviting this affirmation into our lives can feel difficult when we look around the field and see such huge gaps in services for childless clients. Make sure to focus on what is achievable and notice the great work that others are doing. I find it inspiring and reassuring to surround myself with other providers and leaders who overtly discuss and embody this value of self-compassion.

Attending to our physical and mental health is an important foundation for maintaining our professional well-being.

What you choose in this category will be very individual but might include practicing relaxation techniques, spending time in nature, exercising movement, having fun hobbies, and eating well. When I can, my favorite self-care tool is saying no to the things that do not make my heart sing.

Practicing Self-Compassion

There could be times within our work when we look at our caseload and see that some of our clients’ lived experiences are incredibly similar to our own. If aspects of childlessness are personally difficult or triggering, it could help to focus on a different area that is not found within our own story. On the other hand, if there are stories within our caseload that feel so different from our own, it can make us feel like imposters. Worry not; the remedy is consultation, reading, and research. In both scenarios, there are resources out there for both referral and deeper learning.

Creating empathic and safe spaces to create healing for childless clients feels like one of the most heartfelt and purpose-driven things I do professionally. This amount of intentional work in a small niche can be as exhausting as it is energizing. As providers, we must also make space for ourselves within this work.

Focusing on our wellness is the foundation for helping others and sustaining our ability to continue.

I hope that your practice is rewarding and amid the important work you are doing, that you also take time to prioritize your own needs and wellness!

Katie Maynard (@childlessnessintheroom) is a childless therapist and supervisor advocating for greater clinical competency with childless people, based in the United States. www.katiemaynard.com www.tutumjournal.com

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MEDICAL AWAKENING

Calm The Fire Within:

Natural Approaches to Chronic Inflammation When we think of inflammation, most of us think of pain. The term comes from the Latin word inflammare, which means “to set on fire.” And it sure can feel that way. You may feel it in your joints, muscles, lungs, or skin, or maybe it feels like “it’s everywhere.” But inflammation can also be “silent,” meaning it’s happening, and you don’t even know it.

What is inflammation?

Inflammation is a natural process that helps your body heal and defend itself from harm, protecting itself from infection, illness, or injury. However, inflammation is harmful if it becomes chronic. Chronic inflammation may last for weeks, months, or years — and may lead to various health problems.

That said, there are many things you can do to reduce inflammation and improve your overall health.

Understand healthy inflammation Acute inflammation is natural and beneficial. Short-term swelling or fever are visible signs that your body is repairing itself after you break a bone or catch a cold.

On the other hand, ongoing inflammation causes tissue damage. Experts believe it’s an underlying factor associated with many health issues including Alzheimer’s, arthritis, and diabetes.

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Symptoms of inflammation Inflammation is a sign of stress in the body as well as an attempt to heal. It can begin anywhere in the body – depending on genetically predisposed areas of weakness, trauma from accidents throughout a lifetime or as the result of a buildup of toxins or pathogenic exposures. Think of inflammation as an out-of-control forest fire in the body. The key to inflammation is getting it under control so symptoms cease to persist, because every bite we take, every move we make, can heal, or hurt.

What to eat to avoid or lessen chronic inflammation

Anti-Inflammation lifestyle changes Move more Physical activity promotes weight loss and inhibits inflammation. Even gentle exercise like walking is effective.

Floss regularly Your teeth and gums affect your whole body because the bacteria in your mouth can travel through your blood.

Brushing and flossing each day gives you much more than a pretty smile. Dental hygiene protects your heart and other organs.

Think Mediterranean Any balanced diet tends to reduce swollen tissues.

Follow a program with specific anti-inflammation claims or consider sticking to a high-fiber Mediterranean diet.

Consume more produce Plant products contain phytochemicals that promote tissue repair. Aim for at least five servings a day of vegetables and fruits.

Minimize processed foods Refined carbohydrates, added sugars, and saturated fats have the opposite effect. Drink water instead of soda.

Trade in white rice and pasta for brown rice and whole wheat versions.

Fatty acids from fish Fatty fish is loaded with heart-friendly Omega-3 fatty acids. Good choices include salmon, mackerel, trout, tuna, and sardines.

Switch up your spices Give your saltshaker a rest. Experiment with a wide range of spices famous for their anti-inflammatory properties, such as turmeric, ginger, fresh garlic, and cinnamon.

Consider supplements While it’s preferable to acquire most of your vitamins and minerals from food, supplements can fill in certain deficiencies. For example, fish oil can provide Omega-3s if you’re a vegan or just don’t like the taste of sardines.

Manage stress Maybe there’s a connection between your smartphone that makes you available 24/7 and chronic inflammation that doesn’t know when to shut itself off. Make relaxation a priority. Use your vacation days or unwind with daily meditation or a warm bath.

Be patient While anti-inflammatory medications often relieve symptoms, lifestyle changes take longer to yield results. It may take a few days to see the first results, and several weeks or months to achieve dramatic progress.

Fight disease while you enjoy a healthy diet. Anti-inflammation eating is a lifestyle choice that can help you lead a longer and more active life, especially when you combine good nutrition with other positive habits like regular exercise and good quality sleep. While there’s no single test to diagnose chronic inflammation, your healthcare team can address your concerns and recommend medical treatments and lifestyle changes that may help. Make sure to ask your doctor about how chronic conditions or food sensitivities may affect your risks.

www.tutumjournal.com

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NAVIGATING AGING

HOW TO

NOURISH YOUR LIFE

FOR THE

BETTER IN MIDLIFE

BY SHERI JOHNSON

While reflecting on my last three first sessions with midlife coaching clients, I wondered why not one of them had implemented the small commitments they made to improve their health and wellbeing.

I even questioned why I had not been successful at guiding and inspiring them to do so.

So many midlife women are worn-out, constantly trying to get their health under control but there never seems to be enough time. You’ve probably brushed aside some kind of annoying pain or physical symptom; most days you’re exhausted by dinner, and you may have noticed mood swings, toggling between happy, angry outbursts, and on the verge of tears.

If this sounds like you, I’m willing to bet that you’re putting everyone else’s needs first, you’re spending too much time and energy at work, and never leaving enough gas in the tank to take care of yourself.

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To fix it, you’ve probably been just trying to power through it, and you tell yourself, “I just need to get through the next hump” and then I’ll start. Or, “I’ll start fresh on Monday.” But there’s just another hump after this one, Monday becomes Friday, and you just never get to it.

Through my practice, I have realized that self-worth is the missing link keeping midlife women in that downward spiral. The lack of self-worth can keep them from taking even the smallest action toward their wellbeing. Self-worth is such an important trait to possess, and one that requires a lot of work to develop and nurture. It is not a linear path, but rather an onward journey with ebbs and flows.

What is self-worth?

Self-worth is defined by the American Psychological Association as “an individual’s evaluation of himself or herself as a valuable, capable human being deserving of respect and consideration.”

So, self-worth is a feeling and a belief.

•

A feeling that each of us has about our ability to thrive.

•

A belief that it is accurate; we accept the validity and truthfulness of such feeling, even without proof.

Try the below tips to re-wire yourself to change your feeling and belief to nourish yourself in midlife: •

Notice when you are putting yourself last. This is a critical first step. Pay attention at work, at home when you’re with friends, or even when you’re out shopping. Notice when you put your own needs aside in favor of pleasing someone else first.

•

Write down your needs. What do you profoundly crave? What do you want that you can’t even say out loud because it seems either too indulgent or too silly? Many women have spent so much time putting their own needs and desires aside that they no longer even know what they are.

•

Ask yourself what makes you afraid of stating what you need at home or work. What makes you afraid of putting your own needs first? Responding to this question in a journal can help to allow your innermost fears to come to the surface.

•

Release your fears. Go through each of your fears and ask if there is truth to that fear. Can you pinpoint when you felt this way before, or even when you first felt it? Understanding where your fears started can help to release them.

•

Practice acting on your needs. You may need to consciously say “no” to the 5 p.m. meeting your boss asked you to attend, or the errand your partner or spouse asked you to do on the way home. Try choosing “later,” “next time,” or “after I’ve finished this.”

No one can change your life as you can. What are you waiting for?

Sheri Johnson (@sherijohnsoncoaching) is a nutritionist, spiritual coach, and podcast creator of Awakening Worth, based in Canada.

Download her free Holistic Hormone Roadmap at www.sherijohnson.ca www.tutumjournal.com

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Building Bridges

Making Space to Declutter Your Life: An Interview with TRACY MCCUBBIN

BY JOBI TYSON

Editor-in-Chief Jobi Tyson sat down with Tracy to discuss her mission to help people navigate the emotions of clutter.

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PHOTOGRAPHY BY: REBECCA SANABRIA

Tracy McCubbin is an entrepreneur, CEO, and the author of Making Space, Clutter Free: The Last Book On Decluttering You'll Ever Need and her latest book, Make Space for Happiness: How to Stop Attracting Clutter and Start Magnetizing the Life You Want. While working for a prominent television director in Los Angeles, Tracy discovered she could envision a clutter-free space, and she soon found more and more people were asking her for help. Referring to herself as OCD or "Obsessive Compulsive Delightful," that trait turned into a booming business. Before she knew it, dClutterfly was born. Over fifteen years and thousands of clients later, dClutterfly is now a premier organizing and decluttering company.

Q: What are your most useful tips for someone whose home clutter has gotten way out of hand? And what are some preparation tips, tools, or mindset suggestions?

A: First, get clear about why you're decluttering, and decide how you want your home to work better for you. Secondly, the most important thing is if someone is struggling with clutter, and it's hard to do – start small. Start with a weekend, and accomplish in categories, like coffee cups, but just start because if you can start and chip away all the little ones, then it's going to add up to doing your whole house. Third, get clear on what you want your home to be for you. Do you want your home to be a place where you entertain? Do you want your home to be a place where you want to come home at the end of the day, shut the door, and have it be all yours? Spend a day or two just going through your home and deciding what works and what isn't working. Lastly, don’t beat yourself up about it because some people are naturally organized. Some people aren't. Some people never learned that skill. You should think more like, “if I make this change, here's what I'll gain.” Change your mindset to “this is the home environment I'm trying to create for myself,” then it is going to get you there.

Q: How can clutter affect one’s mental health?

A: Clutter is directly related to increased stress. There are studies of women specifically in cluttered homes, and their

Q: What roadmap would you create on the

connection between clutter and loneliness for people who live alone?

A: I see many lonely people who spend a lot of time shopping

online, going to the stores, and thinking that they're going to have that connection. I think that we use shopping as a substitute for so many feelings. Especially with my elderly clients, and their partners passed away or they have never been married. Many longevity studies have shown that one of the biggest factors of a long life is being a part of a community. If you can find community, it keeps you busy and you won’t isolate yourself further.

Q: What is your approach to a client who has a deep emotional attachment to possessions, and is reluctant or unable to let go?

A: Well, that's all of us. What I like to do is look at what it is because it's usually around grief, or not feeling good enough. Or, as mentioned in my first book, I identify with what I call the clutter blocks, which are emotional stories we've told ourselves about why we can't let go of our stuff. So, it's ultimately identifying. Oftentimes, when there's a deep, deep emotional attachment, we are looking to the past. And I truly feel like we're telling ourselves our best days are behind us.

Q: When writing your new book, Make Space for

Happiness: How to Stop Attracting Clutter and Start Magnetizing the Life You Want, how did you uncover the links between wellbeing and clutter?

A: Seeing people's homes and the change after we do our work, and

cortisol is raised. So, our cortisol is our fight or flight, and if you

the messages that I get from them, especially during the pandemic,

live with high cortisol, you just sort of feel like you’re running

and watching the amount of shopping we were all doing. But it wasn't

from the woolly mammoth all the time. If you're in a cluttered

working because my clients were calling me saying they bought all

home, you're already raising your stress. And the other thing is,

the same stuff again, or bought more stuff and were still not happy.

clutter is just delayed decision-making. If you have all this stuff,

So, I started to research what makes us happy, kind of the science of

you don't know what to do with it, and you don't know where to put it, by the time we get home, it's like, I don't want to decide where this sweater goes, I just want to know where to put it away. But I would say that decluttering is self-love. Decluttering is creating a home that supports you and nurtures you. And then you can be your best self from there.

happiness, and it's never the stuff, it's our relationships; it's being of service to other people. It's counting our blessings. It's being grateful, and as simple as getting exercise, that's the stuff that raises our happiness and when you can be in a relationship with that then you realize the stuff is just the icing on the cake. Not only do we have to declutter the stuff, but we have to look at our shopping habits, what we're buying, and what we're acquiring.

Connect with Tracy: Instagram: @tracy_mccubbin • Facebook: thisistracymccubbin Her books, Make Space for Happiness: How to Stop Attracting Clutter and Start Magnetizing the Life You Want and Making Space, Clutter Free: The Last Book On Decluttering You'll Ever Need are available on Amazon or Barnes & Noble • www.dclutterfly.com www.tutumjournal.com

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DECLUT TER YOUR MIND WORKSHEET Our minds are filled with clutter. Just as a cluttered home can be decluttered, so can a cluttered mind. Daily stress, poor mental habits, and unfinished business are a few of the causes of mental clutter.

Answer these questions to gain insight toward reducing your mental clutter:

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1.

What are the excess items in my home and work environment that contribute to my mental clutter?

2.

Are there unnecessary people in my life that create additional clutter? Who are they? How can I lessen their impact?

3.

How do I distract myself? What do I do when I procrastinate?

4.

When can I implement focused breathing into my routine?

5.

How can I add at least one 20-minute daily meditation session into my life?

6.

What are the negative thoughts I experience regularly? How do these impact the rest of my day?

7.

How would my life change if I were able to reduce my mental clutter by at least 50 percent?

TUTUM JOURNAL spring 2023

HEALING AFFIRMATIONS FOR YOUR BODY AND MIND I choose to take good care of my health. I believe in cultivating a healthy body. Having a healthy mind is important to me too. I am aware of how healthy emotions can benefit my life.

I treat my body with respect. I make wise food choices. I get restful sleep. I find exercise and physical activity that fit my lifestyle. I enjoy being flexible and strong. I can feel the endorphins activate in my body.

I use kind thoughts when thinking of my body. I am willing to analyze my beliefs about my body and ensure they are positive.

I regulate my mind. I am vigilant in noticing the tone of my thoughts. I stay conscious of my thinking process. I am mindful of how my thoughts affect my body, so I think happy thoughts.

I dig deeper to shift any beliefs that fail to serve my highest self. I recognize stressful or negative beliefs, and I reframe them into healthy, current beliefs that better serve me.

I acknowledge my feelings. I do whatever it takes to nurture my feelings.

Today, I take care of my body and mind. I eat nutritiously, exercise, and sleep soundly. I find activities and music that uplift me. I indulge in my favorite hobbies. I have a playlist of positive, upbeat songs. My health and wellbeing are priorities in my life.

Self-Reflection Questions: 1.

How can I show more kindness to my body?

2.

What thoughts show kindness toward my body? Am I willing to let go of self-deprecating thoughts? If so, when?

3.

What beliefs am I willing to let go of? In what way can I cultivate a self-nurturing space?

www.tutumjournal.com

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your first purchase at www.tutumglobal.com/wellness-products Code: CUDDLE10