Tutum Journal | Issue 7 | Fall 2022 | For & By Childless Women

TUTUM fall 2022 • issue 7 • belonging

Journal

A Dwelling Place For Childless Women In Every Season

o T g n i g n o L

BELONG tutumjournal.com

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A True Sense of Belonging

Podcaster BonnieRuth Rolf shares her perspective on how belonging creates safety to be authentically who we are.

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To Belong

CONTENTS

Artist and poet Cherie Burbach bares her soul on her deep, all-encompassing craving for connection and belonging.

Page 8

This Persistent Ache Artist and poet Cherie Burbach grapples with the life she hoped for against the life she has.

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She Was STILL Born

Writer Carrie Hauskens finds her place in the silent loss and disenfranchised grief of stillbirth.

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Catching Up With That Paper Boat

Renate H uncovers her introspective journey from circumstances beyond her control to carving out a path of inner peace.

in every issue Page 4

CONTRIBUTORS Page 5

EDITOR’S REFLECTION Page 5

TUTUM SURVEY Readers reveal what they think about key subjects relevant to the childless community.

Page 20

RESEARCH IN PROGRESS Reflects our global reach, demonstrating the full scope of lived experiences through primary research.

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Page 24

Coming Home To Yourself

GAME CHANGER Spotlighting the achievements of trailblazing childless/childfree women.

Life coach Sarah Jane Smith breaks down how the practice of embodied self-compassion is the key to accessing self-acceptance.

Page 32

MEDICAL AWAKENING Examines medical conditions and relevant information of interest to childless/childfree women.

Page 34

NAVIGATING AGING Explores topics, gaining new perspectives, advice, and relevant information associated with women aging without children.

Page 36 Page 38

Connecting With Others Worksheet

BUILDING BRIDGES A Q&A with industry experts that tackles wide-reaching issues that affect and strengthen the childless community.

Tips on how connecting with others can give us a sense of belonging and togetherness.

VOLUME 2, ISSUE 7 Tutum Journal™ (ISSN 2766-9580) is published quarterly by Tutum Global. Subscription prices: 1 yr. $9.95 USD. For more information about Tutum Journal, please visit us at www.tutumjournal.com, or email us at info@tutumjournal.com.

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FOUNDER & EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Jobi Tyson

EDITORIAL Charlie Bishop Brandi Lytle

CONTRIBUTORS Cherie Burbach Renate H Carrie Hauskens Sheri Johnson BonnieRuth Rolf Sarah Jane Smith

© 2022 Tutum Global. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in part, or in whole, without prior written permission, excepting brief quotations in connection with reviews written specifically for inclusion in magazines, newspapers, blogs, or limited excerpts strictly for personal use. Designed in the U.S.A. DISCLAIMER: Opinions expressed by the authors are not necessarily those of Tutum Global, disclaiming any liability to any party for the accuracy, completeness, efficacy, or availability of the material contained in this publication.

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EDITOR'S REFLECTION + FEEDBACK You Belong.

Are you in a situation in your life right now where you feel the odds are against you and all hope is lost?

You are not alone.

This past summer, my beloved grandmother died, hence this season and theme of belonging has me approaching autumn differently. Rather than wallowing in grief, I have intentionally decided to sink into the strength earned. Circumstances happen in life where you’ll suddenly find yourself at the downside of hope. But, in my evolution from a silent childless woman hidden in shame to unapologetically fully occupying my place in the world, I am living witness that no matter what you’ve gone through or are going through, you can endure despite it and beam with the ray of hope again.

I hope that this affirmation will help you rekindle your hope and triumph over your present situation.

Where I am is right where I am supposed to be. I find myself here because I have persevered despite adversity and disappointment.

T-shirt: www.TutumStore.com

The decisions I've made have brought me to the place where I am. There is no other place in the world where I need to be at this moment.

Even if my current place in life lasts only a season, I embrace the time I have here and make the most of it. I work hard and give my all to the purpose I have in this moment.

I devote my energy to making valuable contributions right where I am today.

I am free from insecurity about my worth. Self-doubt is absent from my mind because I am certain that I am just as valuable as everyone else around me. I have creative ideas, talents, gifts, and meaning that render me valuable.

With gratitude,

I refrain from questioning whether those around me accept me. Those questions are simply a distraction to my greater purpose. Instead of spending time feeling that I am the darkness that I endured, I invest my time believing that I am the light that refuses to surrender.

Negative thoughts are unable to control my mind because I've applied a filter of positivity. I only allow thoughts to linger in my mind that encourage me. Whenever I begin to feel insecure, I remind myself

Jobi Tyson, MBA

that this is my place.

@tutumjournal @childlesswomen

Today, I choose to sweep doubt out of my mind. I acknowledge that I am loved, worthy, and enough

Facebook.com/childlesswomen

You are a force to be reckoned with. You belong.

right where I am.

YouTube.com/childlesswomen

In the words of my late grandmother, “Strength isn’t earned in endings or beginnings but in the journey you’re navigating along the way.”

TUTUM SURVEY

WHAT YOU TOLD US To carefully curate each issue’s theme to support and strengthen the mental well-being of involuntarily childless women, we took Instagram polls using question-wording: As a childless woman, do you feel a need to belong?

79% Yes

21% No

As a childless woman, do you feel a sense of belonging?

21% Yes

79% No

“You’re imperfect and you’re wired for struggle, but you’re worthy of love and belonging.”

— Brené Brown TO SUBSCRIBE VISIT www.tutumjournal.com

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A True Sense of

Belonging 6

TUTUM JOURNAL fall 2022

BY BONNIERUTH ROLF

I have the perspective that belonging is a sense of connection.

Belonging diminishes isolation and creates safety to be authentically who we are.

I never imagined that I would struggle with “belonging” as a childless woman. I wasn’t childless by choice and had been childless not by choice for 19 years. So, I questioned why it would be any different once my infertility journey was final. But it was different and many of my relationships became increasingly unsteady. I suddenly felt insecure, as it seemed the deep sense of connectivity was dwindling.

When you are trying to conceive and want to build your family, everyone seems to be more comfortable with cheering you on, waiting with you, and offering all the advice imaginable. The moment you say you will not be having children it is as if there is a disruption to the connection. For me, it felt like my common ground was shrinking.

I had to believe this was not my new reality but rather an adjustment phase. Simply a shift that requires a new self-awareness, a willingness to regain common ground, and an openness to the unknown.

This new effort required finding my sense of “belonging” again. Something I wasn’t prepared for stepping into this childless life. However, it was something that helped shape an even deeper understanding of what belonging looks like.

Maybe you are like me, and this new reality requires a total revamping of how you want to and will live life, both now and in the future. I think the biggest key to learning this is to pause… Not to isolate but rather create a space and time to evaluate and assess. Who do I want to be? How do I “belong” within myself? What kind of people do I want to belong to? What and who is safe for me?

This is a moment that is vital to the redefining and discovery of self and others. A time where you refine your values and identify self-worth. Ultimately, these are the things that begin to shape a true sense of belonging within yourself. What emerges is a better sense of where that safe place is for you to belong.

T

his whole process feels like a deep loss at first. However, over time I discovered it is this gift that clears out the unnecessary, the uninvited, the obligations, and the unsafe. The disruption can at first feel like a sting, but in time the revelation of its benefit creates a new beauty that leads to the most incredible sense of belonging. The temporary removal of belonging is actually developing the pathway to authenticity undiscovered both in self and within others.

BonnieRuth Rolf (@barrennotbroken) is the podcast host of Barren Not Broken, based in the United States. www.barrennotbroken.com TO SUBSCRIBE VISIT www.tutumjournal.com

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This This Persistent Persistent Ache Ache Dear Lord,

But that is the blessing I wish for myself

what a strange and wonderful dream

and not the one you’ve granted me.

you showed me last night.

As I wake fully, knowing I am

It was terrifying and joyous,

granted a new day,

as blessings can sometimes be.

I ask for your help

As I slept, you placed my baby

that lives in my heart

in my arms, so beautiful and small that I held my breath just to comprehend that he was mine, born of my dream-state body, so tiny I could hold him in one hand, and as I did I lifted him to my ear, with the fear that I had done something wrong, that he was cold and dead, and instead, the sound his lungs made was

to set aside this dream so I can rise and enjoy the gifts you’ve given me in this new day of my life.

This stubborn dream of mine could diminish these gifts of yours if I let it. This persistent ache that follows me to my dreamlife has broken my heart in a way that even the most tragic circumstances could not.

so strong and comforting that I

There is a part of me

could feel you tell me it was alright.

that wonders if the reason

And I rested in that.

I’ve been so strong and endured so much was because deep down

In a blink, my boy was a man,

I always knew there would be

bold and capable, teasing me for

this devastating dream that would

chiding him about unhealthy things

wound me so deeply that

because he was a medical marvel.

I doted and worried and looked at him with pride and gratitude and felt such peace that you didn’t forget me, that my body could do this thing I wanted most in the world.

And then, I woke up, my overwhelming heartbreak pulled my eyes closed again, and I wished I could go back to my dream and live there forever,

me down would fail.

So, I ask you for help, moment by moment, because there is no amount of time that could soften this blow.

Only your love can do that.

You show me in my dreamlife what I can do, all the things that are truly possible with you,

to stay in the space where

and you wake me to remind me

I could hold my baby

I am blessed by who I am in you,

and know that I was blessed.

and not by what I can do.

Cherie Burbach, United States (@cherieburbach) 8

every other effort to take

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To To Belong Belong All we want is for someone

All we want is to be welcomed in

to want to get to know us

to that new group, with people

because we’re human

who make you feel like

and all humans deserve at least that.

they’re glad you’re there, and not like you’re the

All we want is to get

butt of every joke.

the benefit of the doubt.

So when someone hears a rumor

All we want is that one person

they shut it down,

who will share with us the

no gossip on their watch,

inside jokes in a way that

especially because they

makes us feel as if

consider you a friend.

we’ve known them all along.

All we want is to be invited,

All we wish is for that person

to have someone say,

who won’t run to everyone else

hey, we’d love to have you join us!

before they come to you.

and mean it.

All we want is to be surrounded with people who cherish us

All we long for is kindness.

because they know our hearts,

For those blessed with a support system

and a relationship with us

to remember us right away because

is worth protecting.

they know we’re alone and they’d never want us to stay that way.

All we want is for someone to find out what things

All we wish for are holidays

have been like for us,

that aren’t filled with sadness,

simply because they want

because we always have people

to understand.

we consider family and a place we consider home.

All we want is to belong.

Cherie Burbach, United States (@cherieburbach) TO SUBSCRIBE VISIT www.tutumjournal.com

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She Was STILL Born

BY CARRIE HAUSKENS

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F

inding out where to belong is a strange exploration. There is a process to feeling included in friendships, relationships, and even work. Sometimes it’s as natural as breathing. Sometimes it’s an ordeal. My struggle was with motherhood and how it defines womanhood. I am childfree after infertility. So, where do I belong?

Belonging is being seen and heard by those around you and feeling welcomed into a space. Often, people will define their lives around parenthood. Infertility made motherhood a club I could not get into, while my friends quickly made their way into the VIP sections of this society. People applauded their entrance, and to fit in I did the same, holding back the tears as I stood on the sidelines.

I enthusiastically joined the IVF community, assuming this path would make me a mom. I received my first positive pregnancy test and felt like it was finally my turn. I was in with the “cool kids.” And then quickly escorted out with a miscarriage. Still wanting to be included, I tried again. The next transfer was successful, and I carried my baby for eight months. I developed a rare liver disease, which took her life. I delivered my daughter Clementine stillborn and established myself as a bereaved mother. I am a mother in a way no one wants to be.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) states that 1 in 5 women deals with infertility in the United States. This community is strong, and you likely know someone going through this. The CDC also reports that 1 in 160 births are stillborn. This community is smaller and, from my experience, less likely to reach out. Neither of these groups was one I had dreamed of joining, and yet here I am.

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We honor our stillborn daughter and are better for having her in our life however briefly.

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A few things happened here with my access to motherhood. I was still allowed in but I wasn’t encouraged to share my experiences. It frightened the other mothers. Like many moms, I had a birthing story that felt beautiful—we honor our stillborn daughter and are better for having her in our life however briefly, but it ended the conversation when I shared. I felt kicks and I had weird cravings too, but with no baby to show, these stories never landed well. I realized that maybe I didn’t want to be in this club anymore because I liked discussing my sacred experience.

Today, I don’t refer to myself as a mother. This response often makes others uncomfortable, as if I don’t recognize that I had a daughter at one point. When asked if I have kids, I say no, because I don't want to get into it. If I were being honest, I would be considered an outsider, but I belong somewhere. Everyone belongs somewhere. I acknowledge that a bereaved mother is still a mother, but it's not where I feel I fit in. From my experience, you might belong in places you never imagined. And from sharing my story, I’ve found those places. Sometimes it is with other bereaved mothers, but mostly it is with those without kids.

Your ways of identifying will change over time, and so will your place of belonging. Keep exploring, because you will find others that do this too.

You belong.

Carrie Hauskens (@bloomingwithcare) is a freelance writer focusing on infertility and the many tangents that radiate from that experience, based in the United States. www.bloomingwithcare.com TO SUBSCRIBE VISIT www.tutumjournal.com

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Catching Up With That Paper Boat

BY RENATE H

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here have been a few memorable moments in my life when I have felt like I truly belonged. Like the time I lived in a shared house in London with fellow single, like-minded travellers. Or when I am with my family and our

words tumble over one another because we are essentially the same person, split four ways. And, more recently, when I share time with my beautiful partner, who sailed into my life serenely and unexpectedly after I had resigned myself to eternal singledom. Mostly, however, I have always felt like an outsider in this world—a misfit, sideline observer, and free spirit. Am I an introvert and highly sensitive person?

Check. Has there been a mismatched medley of jobs, half-finished study, and zigzagging paths? Check. Living in multiple places during my 20s and 30s? Check. Still childless? Check.

Although, these days, I am contentedly settled in one spot and am slowly, slowly carving out a more defined path for myself, I have been surprised by how much my childless status has determined my sense of belonging—or not belonging. Over the past decade, I have watched helplessly as most of my close friends drifted away, ever so gently and gradually, while my heart broke silently in the dark. For the longest time, I kept reaching out as far as I could stretch, but like a paper boat swiftly gliding downstream, always a few inches ahead of one’s fingertips, my friends floated further and further away, and I simply could not catch up with them again.

I suppose it was inevitable that, as friends cooed over their gurgling babies and I remained childless, our lives would diverge to the point where a few initial ripples expanded into insurmountable waves. Although I was supportive during these significant life changes and understanding of their reduced availability and timepoor status, it still cut deeply to realise our once-cherished friendships were no longer a priority for them. When one of my very last remaining childless friends announced on my fortieth birthday that she had secretly become pregnant via IVF, I gushed over-enthusiastically, simultaneously thrilled for her and devastated for me.

The announcement left me reeling; my last drops of confidence were shaken like a snow dome. Her unexpected pregnancy seemed to solidify my status as an outsider once and for all.

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The lightbulb moment, however, was realising that it was never really my boat to catch. I was frantically chasing after something that was always going to be out of reach because my belief that “having children would help me find belonging” was an illusion.

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My friend’s disclosure was the proverbial straw that broke a growing sense of isolation, which had been steadily gnawing away in the background for years. It triggered what can only be described as a baby-obsessed frenzy. After turning forty, I became submerged in primal panic, fearing I had made a catastrophic mistake and had somehow missed the entire point of life. After a spot of frenetic Googling, a hastily made GP appointment, and nervous phone calls to fertility clinics, I found myself sitting opposite a reproductive specialist who advised me to begin IVF immediately, since the chances of conceiving ‘at your age’ were already breathtakingly small.

Fast-forward several years through endless needles, a dwindling bank balance, and anxiously awaited but always-disappointing phone calls, and I never did manage to catch up with that paper boat. The lightbulb moment, however, was realising that it was never really my boat to catch. I was frantically chasing after something that was always going to be out of reach because my belief that “having children would help me find belonging” was an illusion. Joining the Mum Club would not necessarily have made me happy, considering I have always had an unconventional soul and alternative worldview, and being childless is only one small aspect of that.

Looking back, my visits to the fertility clinic were based predominantly on a fear of missing out and of being excluded, which never leads to enlightened shores.

Nowadays, I proudly embrace being a misfit, sideline observer, and free spirit and I am learning to love the adventures I am having in my own bespoke boat.

Trying to stretch and twist myself into conventional shapes to fit in with the crowd and go with the flow was never going to be my destiny. Rather than motherhood, belonging has arrived in unique, quieter forms. These forms delight, fulfill and nourish me, whether other people and society approve of them or not.

My tiny but cherished inner circle, a nurturing relationship, my own company, connecting with animals and nature, online communities, books and writing all provide me with a sense of solidarity and inclusion within the wider world and, most importantly, within myself.

Renate H (@fairy_wren) is a quiet dreamer, seeker, and animal and nature lover, based in Australia.

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Research in Progress

Is There A Culture of Belonging For Childless Women in the Workplace?

BY JOBI TYSON

A

pproximately one in five women will remain childless, and for ninety percent of them, it is not by choice. Yet, one of the most overlooked diversity and inclusion issues in the workplace is the equal treatment of women without children.

According to a 2022 survey by Tutum Global about the nuances of workplace dynamics and how childless women are impacted, 90% of respondents believe that childless female employees face bias in the workplace.

Additionally, 80% of respondents report that there is inequity as it pertains to feeling disregarded from work-life balance.

In attempts to increase our understanding of emotional and often hidden experiences in the workplace, Tutum Global analyzed answers from fifty involuntarily childless women in their midlife, spanning six countries, using an online survey tool.

A common theme that came up in this research was perceptions of personal time, where childless female employees had less access to preferential shifts or holiday time than their colleagues who are parents.

“You don't need to have that day off.”

“Why do you need extra vacation time?”

“You can work later, right?

You don’t have kids as she does.”

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More common, however, were the psychological impacts on childless women in the workplace.

Survey respondents shared the following comments: Undervalued “The burden of asking for your feelings to be considered.”

“It's hard to establish boundaries and understanding.”

“The pressure to feel that I do not have an excuse not to excel and that my supervisors and coworkers expect much more from me than from employees who are mothers.”

“The unspoken expectation that you will always be at work and can cover for your non-childless colleagues.”

“No acknowledgement that you might have a life.”

Distress “Hidden depression and anxiety at having to pretend all is well at baby showers.”

“Always having to work the undesirable shifts and being treated as less than chips away at mental health.”

“I feel damaged.”

“Being forced to attend mandatory office baby showers was so hard for me at my last job.”

“A bit of resentment that no one seems to notice or care that I never contribute to the baby banter in the staffroom.”

“It is very triggering with constant discussion of children and babies, even working from home during the lockdown where virtual meetings revolved around parenting pressures. I spent several meetings crying off camera.”

“Constant triggering by comments or general conversation which are child-centric.”

“Work that should be an escape is an actual trigger.”

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Unworthiness “Feeling worthless.”

“You feel like you are not deserving of the same benefits and privileges as others.”

“Feeling inferior.”

“Feeling disposable.”

“Feelings of hopelessness, feeling like a failure as a woman.”

“Feelings of not being good enough.”

Isolation “Feeling isolated, left out, less valued, unworthy, and not as important.”

“The isolation of undergoing fertility treatment and recurrent miscarriages, but trudging on through work like nothing is happening, led to being too good at compartmentalizing.”

“Quite exclusionary, with people thinking you couldn’t understand certain things since you don’t have kids.”

“I feel excluded from conversations and groups.“ “Feel disconnected and taken for granted.”

“Exclusion because you aren't included . . . feeling like you don't belong, that there is something wrong with you.”

“Feeling like an outsider, like my life is not interesting or that I have nothing going on.”

“Lack of engagement by other employees toward childless women.”

“Being left out of child-centric conversations that result in depression, loneliness, and feeling unable to connect with colleagues.”

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As the voices of childless women regarding societal stigmas are growing louder, this survey explored ways they can influence the culture at work and make meaningful change.

Tutum Global stands with our childless community and sees a strong need for companies to create a culture of inclusion and adjust long-held policies for childless employees. Based on our survey, here are some ways companies can do so: • Follow the discrimination laws and don’t make decisions based on parental status.

• Allow childless workers to transfer the benefits for dependents and costs from childcare to elder care.

• Offer the same kind of leave to childless/childfree people who are pet owners.

• Ask staff anonymously: How can we support those of you who are childfree?

• Offer health insurance with infertility treatments included.

• Be more consistent across the board and appreciate that those without children also have responsibilities outside of the workplace.

• Provide family leave for women and men who have lost a child, without the stigma of mental or physical health issues.

• Offer childless employees the option to work from home on “bring your kids to work” days.

• Offer fertility coverage, surgery coverage, and coverage for other therapies for childless women.

• Don’t force or expect childless female employees to plan or attend office baby showers if they are uncomfortable.

• Make sure that policies are employee-friendly, not family-friendly.

• Recognize that people without kids are also part of diversity in the workplace.

Tutum Global is committed to moving our work forward for the inclusion of our collective community, while disrupting pronatalism, by implementing a system of belonging and raising greater awareness. Companies should take intentional action to transform the framework of diversity, equity, inclusion, and belonging, and childlessness is a vital part of this agenda.

The full survey can be accessed at www.tutumglobal.com/research.

For information about cultural competency training for your organization, email info@tutumglobal.com.

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GAME CHANGER

Finding Sisterhood

BY CHARLIE BISHOP

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Fertility support group leader Tam Carter knows firsthand the necessity of a strong, unbreakable sisterhood. But there was a time when she felt like she didn’t belong.

Diagnosed with endometriosis over 20 years ago, along the way her infertility journey also uncovered diagnoses of uterine fibroids, adenomyosis, and fibromyalgia. Further waning her sense of belonging, in navigating the reproductive health care system, particularly fertility clinics, Tam experienced a glaring lack of representation for women of color.

After years of suffering in silence, Tam finally felt visible as she recalls a liberating and healing conversation where she opened up with a high school classmate who had a shared experience.

She subsequently searched for topics and resources around fertility and her chronic conditions and stumbled across a national nonprofit called Fertility for Colored Girls (FFCG), which focused on the challenges of infertility and reproductive health care disparities specific to women of color. FFCG was founded by Rev. Dr. Stacey Edwards-Dunn, who was inspired by her own journey and the collective experiences of those struggling with issues of infertility.

Tam found a sisterhood and a safe space that not only represented her as a woman of color but nurtured her confidence to speak out about the battles she had faced. However, with approximately 16 FFCG chapters across the United States, there were not any in the state of Florida where she resides. Convinced that she had found her calling, Tam asked Rev. Stacey if she could start a chapter in Jacksonville, Florida, because in her own words, “We need this.”

Along with five other determined women, the Jacksonville chapter was launched in June 2021, encouraging women to voice their experiences in a safe environment. Her city needed this because, as Tam says, “Nothing like this has existed in Jacksonville and no one else should have to go through their journey believing they have to solve it themselves and that there aren’t others who understand.”

According to Fertility For Colored Girls, research suggests that Black women are twice as likely to experience infertility but are half as likely to access care than white women—even considering socioeconomic status.

Photographed By: MIKE JACKSON PHOTOGRAPHY Makeup: STEPHANIE SMITH

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I never felt I belonged until I found a community that catered to what I was missing.

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Knowing there is a supportive community to surround yourself with provides comfort and a network unlike any other, as many within the infertility community know. “My surroundings were not helping me,” she remarks. As the social stigma surrounding infertility is starting to erode, Tam wants others to know that there is a choice and that you can feel comfortable with others who understand what it’s like.

Tam knows all too well that it is not easy to share, especially if people are not used to sharing and even more so when the topic is taboo. But finding a safe and comforting community provides a level of friendship, support, and understanding that can provide comfort and safety to share those experiences and move forward to not only raising awareness but also working towards creating change.

Her chapter, along with the national group, runs a wide range of education and outreach to bring both public and community awareness to a range of conditions that contribute to infertility.

These ongoing webinars and seminars raise awareness around Black women’s infertility.

Tam added that feeling purpose in life, she now feels empowered to raise awareness for endometriosis, adenomyosis, fibromyalgia, and fibroids—topics close to her heart, given her own experiences. “I never felt like I belonged until I found a community that catered to what I was missing. Now, whoever I encounter, I feel the sense of urgency to share my own journey."

Tam brings practices that she has incorporated into her own life to the group. She invites speakers on nutrition, yoga, acupuncture, and other related topics to share how wellness can help improve mental health and wellbeing. For her, the comfort she gets from facilitating this group is difficult to measure, yet the sense of relief from the stresses of her distinctive journey, and the ability to take it day by day, allows her to keep a positive outlook and continually feel empowered to help others.

Asked what she would like to do more of in the future on her journey, her answer is simple: “More sharing, more outreach, and to reach more women.”

For more information about Fertility for Colored Girls, visit www.fertilityforcoloredgirls.org.

You can also visit Tam’s website at www.TravelYourChoice247.com.

Charlie Bishop (@charlieabishop / @mrkhconnect) is the Director of UK-based charity MRKH Connect and an MRKH advocate, based in Norway. www.mrkhconnect.org

Nominate A Game Changer: If you know a hidden gem in the childless community that deserves recognition, email us at info@tutumglobal.com.

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COMING HOME TO YOURSELF

BY SARAH JANE SMITH

F

or the past ten years, my life has felt like one experience and situation after the next that is beyond my control. To

known about the concept of self-acceptance

be clear, I have made many choices and am

by choice plays a big part because, for many

privileged enough to have a certain amount of

years, I resented my body and desperately

agency, yet there are so many happenings that

and self-love for a long time, it has been a big struggle to feel this. Being childless not

wanted my situation to be different. And even

I would never have chosen.

though I'm closer than I've ever been before, I

I have recently started to know that what is

is an ongoing daily awareness and practice.

within my control is acceptance of myself and the situations I find myself in.

I'm going to be 47 this year, and while I have 28

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feel self-acceptance and a feeling of belonging The practice of self-compassion, particularly embodied self-compassion, has been the key to accessing acceptance within myself.

You may be thinking, what is embodied

don't feel safe in our bodies and don't

self-compassion?

see them as a place to come home to.

It is easiest to explain in parts. The first

In my experience, reconnecting and

part is embodiment, and the second is self-compassion.

What is embodiment?

Simply put, it means coming home to

befriending my body has become a necessary part of healing, acceptance, and belonging.

Why would I want to befriend my body?

your body. For those of us whose path to childlessness has involved: • Miscarriage • Inability to conceive • Infertility due to medical conditions or a disability • Failed fertility treatments There is often resentment that our bodies have let us down, and it isn't something we can trust.

In speaking with many women who haven't been able to conceive, they’ve talked about disconnection and loss that inhabits their bodies

What good will it do me on the path to acceptance?

Our bodies give us an incredible amount of information about the world, about others, and ourselves all the time, and if we cultivate a practice of tuning in to this information, it can help: • Identify our values and what is important to us • Find our place in the world • Make decisions that align with our values

in a subtle yet profound way. In the

• Cultivate self-confidence

bigger picture, being a woman in

• Feel a sense of agency, like we

the Western world has us feeling shameful and disconnected from our bodies.

have choices • Build trust in ourselves and others

Taking all of this into account, it is

All of these are necessary to feel

no wonder we aren't accepting of

confident, accepted, and like we

ourselves and our bodies and that we

belong in the world.

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Self-compassion has three core elements: So how do we start?

The first step is to recognize that you have a body by tuning in to it.

Right now, without changing anything, notice how you are sitting as you read this.

What parts of your body are touching the chair?

Do you tend to hold your belly in or clench your jaw?

What sensations are present?

Do you feel a sense of heat rising or a heavy, grounded feeling?

What feedback is your body giving you about the information you are hearing?

Do you feel constricted anywhere, or is there a sense of relief?

This noticing is the beginning of becoming more embodied.

So that is the abbreviated explanation of the vibrant topic of embodiment. Hopefully, you have a clearer understanding of what it means.

Now to the second part, self-compassion.

Self-compassion researcher, author, and

1. Self-kindness: This element looks at the inner narrative we have running. Instead of being critical and harsh with ourselves, we extend the same level of kindness we would to a friend having a similar experience.

2. Shared humanity: This element speaks to the interconnectedness of us all.

All humans suffer and experience hardship. We tend to forget this and feel alone in our experiences and suffering.

Remembering that so many other women struggle in the same way we do on the journey to childlessness can bring in a sense of connection with others and help move us out of isolation.

3. Mindfulness: The awareness to 'be' with our present moment experience.

To acknowledge what it is we are feeling and carrying. We all feel big emotions but might shy away from taking the time to parse out what the feelings actually are.

When you are upset, you can feel anger, sadness, frustration, numbness, regret, jealousy, etc. Taking the time to be with the feelings helps us unravel them and gives us time to direct kindness to those parts of ourselves that feel that way.

practitioner Dr. Kristen Neff states, "Self-

On the other side, mindfulness can help us

compassion is a practice of goodwill, not

from overidentifying with our experiences. It helps us keep perspective and notice when thoughts such as I am disappointed turn into I am a disappointment, when I feel a sense of unworthiness turns into I am unworthy.

good feelings."

We do not use self-compassion to cover over or push aside feelings of pain and suffering; instead, we meet the parts of ourselves in pain with kindness and gentle curiosity.

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Mindfulness is the starting place, the first skill we need to respond to ourselves with kindness and acceptance.

There are some myths about self-compassion that can be obstacles to getting started. I want to dispel these but first, take a breath and notice: What is your initial reaction to the idea of practicing self-compassion?

Notice how you are sitting. Are you leaning forwards or back?

Do you notice tension in your body?

What feedback is your body giving you?

Whatever you are feeling, try to meet yourself with kindness. You are already practicing embodied self-compassion.

Three myths about practicing Self-Compassion: 1. Self-compassion is self-pity. With one of the elements of self-compassion being shared humanity, the opposite is true. Part of the practice is acknowledging that others suffer in this way too. When we are self-compassionate, we are likely to gain perspective and not overidentify with our feelings.

2. Self-compassion will make me too soft and vulnerable. While the feelings are tender, the approach is unwavering and fierce.

This practice helps build inner strength and resilience that helps us get through hard times.

3. Self-compassion is self-indulgent and will make me lazy. People who practice self-compassion tend to take better care of themselves and have an overall greater sense of well-being. They move away from criticism as a motivator and are inspired to do things that increase their sense of health and well-being. They are also more likely to extend compassion to others, as they are familiar with the positive effects in their lives.

So, what is embodied self-compassion, and how can it help childless women?

Here is my working definition: Coming home to your body and meeting your whole self with fierce kindness, gentle curiosity, and deep respect.

This practice helps childless women: • Build a connection with themselves and their bodies • Increase self-confidence • Develop trust • Integrate grief • Create a sense of safety with their bodies • Cultivate kindness towards themselves • Give themselves what they need • Settle into who they are with integrity • Create and maintain healthy boundaries And in turn, when we create space to do this work for ourselves, it spills over into having the capacity to do the same for others, and we can meet the world with authentic selfassurance and make a difference in the lives of our friends, loved ones, and community.

When we invite ourselves into belonging, we create safety and acceptance for others and ourselves.

How can you bring more mindfulness into your days, notice the signals your body is giving you, and meet all parts of yourself with kindness?

How can you cultivate a sense of belonging in yourself?

Sarah Jane Smith (@embodiedpossibility) is an embodiment teacher and life coach offering online and in-person classes, coaching, and courses for childless not by choice women, based in Canada. www.embodiedpossibility.com TO SUBSCRIBE VISIT www.tutumjournal.com

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MEDICAL AWAKENING

How To Manage Stress & Balance Your Hormones During Perimenopause

BY SHERI JOHNSON

Once I hit 40, I watched my fertility decline on test results each month at a rapid speed. Doctors cancelled fertility cycles because my estrogen was too high, and my progesterone was too low. My periods were irregular, and I was even having night sweats.

O

I did not realize that I was in perimenopause.

According to the American Society of Reproductive Medicine, perimenopause (or menopause transition) is the period that links a woman’s reproductive years and menopause. A woman is said to be in menopause if she has had no menstrual periods for 1 year. The average age for menopause is 51 years. During the menopause transition, women often have changing menstrual cycles, vaginal dryness, hot flashes, or flushes (sudden sense of heat and flushing of face and chest with sweating and sometimes chills), and problems with sleep. Some of these symptoms happen all the time while others come and go. Symptoms can be mild to unbearable and can interfere with daily activities and sleep.

Perimenopause is different for each woman but usually lasts about five years.

In hindsight, I was in denial. I preferred to believe there was something wrong with me that could be fixed: infertility. I didn’t want to believe that my body was going through this natural process of fluctuating hormones that meant the end of my childbearing years.

When I hit 44 and we stopped fertility treatments, I started to accept that we were not going to have children. What surprised me was that over the next four years, as I got closer and closer to menopause, my symptoms got better. I slept more soundly, my night sweats went away, I barely noticed my periods, and I 32

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weighed less than I did in my 20s. I felt better than I did in my 20s.

As I turned 48, I looked back and realized I hadn’t had a period in eight months. I barely noticed.

So how did I manage to avoid almost all the major symptoms of perimenopause?

As I looked back, I realized that it boiled down to one thing: healthy habits. I had slowly implemented more and more healthy habits that, over time, led to physical, emotional, and spiritual health I hadn’t experienced in my adult life.

Upon closer inspection, I noticed that many of my habits were good at helping to balance my stress levels. I learned that when our adrenal glands are overstimulated (most women’s are these days), they can become worn down, or burn out entirely. And when they do, cortisol gets out of whack and then wreaks havoc on the rest of our hormones. Our adrenal glands are also responsible for producing and moderating many of our sex hormones, including estrogen and testosterone, so when the adrenal glands are fatigued, they just can’t work properly.

So how did I manage to avoid almost all the major symptoms of perimenopause?

As I looked back, I realized that it boiled down to one thing: healthy habits. I had slowly implemented more and more healthy habits that, over time, led to physical, emotional, and spiritual health I hadn’t experienced in my adult life.

Upon closer inspection, I noticed that many of my habits were good at helping to balance my stress levels. I learned that when our adrenal glands are overstimulated (most women’s are these days), they can become worn down, or burn out entirely. And when they do, cortisol gets out of whack and then wreaks havoc on the rest of our hormones.

Our adrenal glands are also responsible for producing and moderating many of our sex hormones, including estrogen and testosterone, so when the adrenal glands are fatigued, they just can’t work properly.

Below are seven simple things that can naturally help balance your hormones and manage stress during perimenopause.

1. Go to bed an hour earlier.

Cortisol naturally winds down around 10 p.m. and ramps back up around 6 a.m. This makes for a natural 8-hour cycle that most women don’t take advantage of. Furthermore, menopause is a major transition for your body, mind, and soul. You will need way more rest than you did in your 20s and 30s. Aim for at least 8 hours a night, but don’t be surprised if you need 9 or 10 before you feel rested.

2. Start your day with a big glass of water before any coffee.

After a night’s sleep, your body is dehydrated, making you feel groggy. Water is what it needs, not a drug. What’s more is that caffeine is hard on the adrenal glands, wearing them out even more than daily stress. When you drink water first thing in the morning, you’ll find that you have more energy and need less coffee. I put a glass on my bedside table and reach for it first thing.

3. Meditate.

I hear many women say they can’t clear their minds because their to-do list just keeps circulating. If this is the case for you, you need meditation more than anyone else. Meditation is not about clearing the mind; it’s about noticing what’s filling it up. The more I did it, the less time my mind spent spinning. I needed time to process all that was happening throughout my day. Slow and deep breathing also calms the nervous system. I begin each morning with 5 or 10 minutes of quiet and breathing.

4. Move your body.

If I don’t get in my exercise in the morning, it doesn’t get done.

After work, I’ll find a million excuses not to do it. Once I made it a habit to just get up and put my workout clothes on, exercise became a part of my routine. I didn’t think twice about it. It doesn’t have to be an hour-long session of heavy cardio. In fact, that will apply more stress to your adrenal glands. Try 10 minutes of yoga or get out into nature for a walk. This will reduce cortisol, helping you feel more relaxed, sleep better, and release weight.

5. Eat high quality proteins and fats.

Balanced blood sugar is key to replenishing the adrenal glands and protein and fats help to do that. Add some sustainably raised or organic meat, fish, and eggs to your diet. Avocados and raw nuts and seeds are also a great addition, though in moderation.

6. Get some extra minerals.

When your adrenal glands become depleted, so do the minerals in your body, causing you to crave salt and chocolate. Many women are chronically low on magnesium, which is prominent in chocolate. A square or two of good quality dark chocolate can be a good thing. Use high quality sea salt while cooking. Add a teaspoon of sea vegetables to soups or smoothies, or like me, you can add a teaspoon of dulse flakes your morning smoothie.

7. Try some herbs to boost your adrenal glands.

Adaptogenic herbs such as Rhodiola, Maca, Licorice Root, Schisandra, Holy Basil, and Ashwagandha are known to help the adrenal glands replenish. There are many brands of supplements that include several of these herbs in one formula.

Many are also available as tea and would make a nice, calming drink before bed.

Remember that I implemented these habits slowly over time. You don’t have to try to do them all at once. Choose the one that speaks to you and wait until you are doing it regularly before introducing another one. Over time, these tiny steps will lead to a much more energetic yet peaceful you.

Sheri Johnson (@sherijohnsoncoaching) is a nutritionist, spiritual coach, and creator of the Awakening Worth Podcast, based in Canada. www.sherijohnson.ca TO SUBSCRIBE VISIT www.tutumjournal.com

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NAVIGATING AGING

It is a point when some women look back on the first half of their lives and realize that they have been serving other people, trying to be like others, searching for belonging, and trying to fit in. At midlife, they realize they haven’t been serving themselves. They haven’t been doing what they truly want to do. They haven’t been saying exactly what they want to say.

BY SHERI JOHNSON

This was me. I spent almost my entire adult life trying to fit in.

Wearing what I thought others would like, choosing a career that was expected of me, living my life the way I thought I was supposed to, and trying to fit in yet never feeling fully accepted.

I started to feel insignificant when I was in my late 30s but I refused to acknowledge it. It was only the realization that I wouldn’t belong to the group called “motherhood” that catalyzed my awakening.

And now that I’m on the journey to belonging to myself, I no longer feel the need to fit in. Imagine the freedom of letting go of that!

A midlife crisis is not actually a crisis.

It’s an awakening.

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Brené Brown defines true belonging as “being part of something bigger but also having the courage to stand alone, and to belong to yourself.”

Here are the 5 steps I used to belong to myself in midlife: Step 1. Practice Self-Worth.

Building self-worth is like building muscle. It requires practice and it’s foundational. You won’t be able to do any of the other steps if you don’t feel worthy of them. You also won’t have the courage to stand alone because you’ll be too tied up, valuing your worth by what others think of you.

One way to determine if your self-worth is lacking is by noticing if you feel inadequate, less than, not as good as, or intimidated by someone else.

The key to building self-worth is to deem yourself valuable, deserving, and worthy regardless of how you compare yourself to the person standing in front of you.

Start by doing something that feels good to you even though you know others might not agree. Wear something that you absolutely love even if it’s “out of style.” Do something small just for yourself that you would normally never make time for.

Step 2. Determine what you need, value, and desire.

What would you do if it weren’t for obligation? What would you do if you had time and money? What do you dream of having?

Women are so conditioned by our society to serve others that we spend most of our lives putting our own needs and wants on the back burner.

Midlife is a time when you begin to awaken to your own needs and notice when they’re not being met. You begin to see when you’re not living in alignment with what you value.

What is it that you need and desire in your life? Make a list. Let your pen flow until you have at least 20 things written down. How can you do more of these?

Step 3. Create and maintain boundaries around your needs, values, and desires.

Once you know what your own needs, values, and desires are, you must protect them as though they are sacred. Practice saying “no” to activities or requests that don’t align with them. Even more important, practice saying “yes” to those that do align, even though it might make you feel guilty or nervous.

When you say “no” to people, especially those close to you, you might disappoint them. You must learn to be okay with that. In the end, they will respect you more and if they don’t, perhaps they don’t align with you anymore.

What is one small activity, invitation, or request you could say “no” to? Or one thing you’ve been saying “no” to that you’ll do now because you know it aligns with your values?

Step 4. Stand up for your beliefs.

When you hit midlife, social injustices in the world and in your personal life start to fire you up more than they used to. How often have you felt that fire recently and bit your tongue just to keep the peace?

Once again, it is a practice to start voicing your true feelings and beliefs. Women are taught to be nice. We don’t show our anger. We don’t get fired up. Now is the time to release that anger. Put a voice to what you’ve quashed. What is something that’s been firing you up lately? How could you stand up, in some small way, for what you believe?

Step 5. Find meaning.

One of the most common complaints I hear in my coaching practice from childless women is that they don’t know what their purpose is now that they won’t have kids to raise. I would argue that raising kids is simply something that you do. It’s not necessarily what will bring meaning to your life.

You probably know many mothers who are passionate about something other than their kids: the environment, natural health, spirituality, a hobby, or their business. Ask yourself, “What breaks my heart?” The answer contains vital information that points to your purpose. Look for it there.

When I started practicing these steps, one by one, I started to feel better little by little—not only emotionally, but physically and spiritually as well.

My body got lighter and stronger, I slept better and had more energy, and now at 49, I feel better than I did at 29. I’ve realized that embracing this midlife crisis as an awakening, is such an integral part of thriving in midlife, that it’s become one of the key pillars in my coaching programs and my life.

Sheri Johnson (@sherijohnsoncoaching) is a nutritionist, spiritual coach, and creator of the Awakening Worth Podcast, based in Canada. www.sherijohnson.ca TO SUBSCRIBE VISIT www.tutumjournal.com

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Building Bridges

Meet Dr. Jay Zigmont, CFP®

PURPOSE-BASED ADVICE TO BUILD

BY JOBI TYSON

Prior to his marriage, Dr. Jay Zigmont’s bride was faced with a 50% chance of survival if she became pregnant. His life purpose as a childfree not by choice person took on new meaning. Dr. Jay used over a decade of coaching in roles from life, learning, and business to focus on helping the childless community with a comprehensive financial plan, and took the steps to become an advice-only, fee-only, fiduciary, Certified Financial Planner.™ Understanding that for many of us, talking about finances is a taboo topic, in 2020, Dr. Jay launched Childfree Wealth, a life and financial planning firm, not to sell financial products or manage clients’ money, but solely to give advice on figuring out their goals.

Editor-in-Chief Jobi Tyson sat down with Dr. Jay to discuss his mission to help the childfree/childless community learn how to manage their money by setting a comprehensive financial plan.

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Q: Why is it important for you to specifically focus on the childfree/childless community?

a Die with Zero approach of spending your money now on what brings you joy and focusing on investing in yourself. A financial plan

A: After making more money mistakes than most people, I earned

that focuses on having a lot of money in your estate (when you die)

my first million by the time I was 21 and spent it by 25. The truth is

yourself. Additionally, you need to make sure you have your will, living

that I could have benefited from having someone help me. So, while

will, and power of attorney (POA) in place early. The healthcare and

I was studying to become a CFP® professional, I found that in all the

governmental systems rely on a next-of-kin to make decisions for you,

training, there was never even a mention of living a life without kids.

so you need to make sure you have someone appointed before you

Most, if not all, financial planning assumes you will have or already

need it. If you are single and childfree, it can be difficult to find someone

have kids. That means that much of the financial advice out there

you trust, so you may end up working with a fiduciary and trustee to act

does not apply to childfree or permanently childless people. We have a

as the executor of your will, healthcare proxy, and POA. All of that to say

different foundation and outcome for our financial plan. To figure out

that being childfree impacts just about every area of your financial plan.

how our plans are different, I set out to study people without children and most recently published a book, Portraits of Childfree Wealth. Also, drawn from my life, I realized that being childfree/childless changes just about everything about your life and financial plan.

Q: What is your advice to childless women and

may actually be a failure of the plan, as you did not enjoy the money

Additionally, living a life of Childfree Wealth means you have the time, money, and freedom to do what you want. As people without children, our options can be limitless, so I work with people to figure out what brings them joy in life and then create a financial plan to support that. For some, it may be starting a new business or job. For

couples who are skeptical about working with

others, it might be early retirement or just following their passions.

financial planners?

There are also tasks we need to take care of when kids are not in

A: It is reasonable to be skeptical of working with a financial person.

Remember that many people call themselves financial advisors, while they may just be selling products (such as insurance). What you want to do is find someone who can help you learn how to improve your finances and who understands you. Look for an advice-only, fee-only, CFP® professional. Advice-only means you pay them for their time (either hourly or on a retainer), and they do not charge you a percent of your assets. To that end, Childfree Wealth not only offers a flat-fee monthly retainer but to ensure accessibility for all, now offers a selfdirected financial planning process for a modest monthly fee with group educational sessions, over 100 videos answering common questions, and assessments that help you to know where to start.

Be advised that the CFP® designation is the gold standard for financial planning, so that is who you want to work with. Talk to two or three financial planners to find the right fit. Be sure to ask them how being childfree or childless impacts your financial plan. If they don’t have an answer or if they make an inappropriate comment, you know they are not right for you.

Q: How does being childfree or childless impact your financial plan? And how can one’s financial plan reflect a childfree future?

A: Practice When you are childfree or childless, it changes both

the foundation and outcomes of your financial plan. You have more flexibility than most and this means that your plan will shift over time.

Building flexibility into your financial plan may require using different accounts for your investments, making investments in yourself, and challenging norms like whether or not you have to own a home. Many childfree people do not care about how much money they have in their estate when they pass away. This means that you can embrace

our future, such as estate planning, having a plan for long-term care, and ensuring we don’t run out of money. While being childfree may allow more options, it also tends to have a bit less of a safety net, so that needs to be planned for to reflect a childfree future.

Q: Speaking of Portraits of Childfree Wealth, I was intrigued about two acronyms, FIRE and FILE. Can you explain?

A: The concept of FIRE (Financial Independence, Retire Early) has

become popular online. In the FIRE model, you save up now to retire early. However, with childfree people, I’m finding that many would rather live the FILE (Financial Independence, Live Early) lifestyle. If FIRE is an on/off switch for work, FILE is a dimmer switch where you focus on doing the right work at the right rate. Both FIRE and FILE have FI (financial independence) at their core, but with a different outcome. FI includes good money management, like having a budget and getting out of debt to save and invest. The difference is the outcome. In the FILE world, it is more about finding a balance now than waiting to stop work.

Q: How does Childfree Wealth address retirement planning for people aging without children?

A: One of the interesting shifts is that many childfree people do not care about how much money they have when they die. Spending more time with my clients talking about how to spend their money than how to save more, in this model, we can embrace the Die with Zero approach and live life early. To do that you need to have a plan for long-term care (either paying for it yourself or with long-term care insurance), put off social security until 70, and then focus on spending money on what they enjoy.

Money itself is not what is important, but what it gets you is. So, if you don’t care about how much money you have when you pass away, then let’s figure out how to enjoy your money now

Connect with Dr. Jay: Facebook & LinkedIn: Childfree Wealth • Book, Portraits of Childfree Wealth available on Amazon www.childfreewealth.com

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CONNECTING WIT H OT HERS

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When you surround yourself with people of common interest, it helps to define your identity. The company of others whose perspectives align with yours is crucial.

Being able to connect with them makes you feel like you belong.

Do you feel at home when you’re around like-minded individuals?

Being able to share your thoughts with others is refreshing. Your common curiosity allows your spirit to align with theirs.

There’s a real sense of community when you open yourself to sharing.

The connections my tribe and I share are strengthened because we make room for personal interaction.

Having a relaxed rapport encourages collaboration and solidarity. My community is the unit that I feel most a part of.

The shared love of community reminds us that our bond is strong and unbreakable.

I feel safe in the presence of those who get me. Today, the time I spend connecting with others serves to build a foundation of support. I feel a sense of togetherness when I take the time to share experiences with others. My circle of special people serves as my extended family.

Self-Reflection Questions: 1.

In what ways can I forge a connection with others?

2.

How do I handle being alone without the support of my community?

3.

How supportive am I to others who want to connect with me?

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