Tutum Journal | Issue 6 | Summer 2022 | For & By Childless Women

TUTUM summer 2022 • issue 6 • womanhood

Journal

Where Childless Women Come First

Rekindling Your Sex Life

After Infertility

Staying Healthy

After 50

Detaching Womanhood

RISA LEVINE

From Motherhood PLUS

Escape To

Adults-Only Destinations

A Legacy Of

Law & Infertility Rights tutumjournal.com

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WOMAN

Cover Photo: LENA DI • Makeup & Styling: JOSE PARRON

CONTENTS

Copywriter and prose poet Sandy Deringer’s densely layered poetry depicts what it is to be a woman.

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5 Steps To Detach Womanhood From Motherhood

Mindfulness coach Sheri Johnson breaks down five ways to cultivate your self-worth.

12

Reflections Of A Barren Wife

Podcaster BonnieRuth Rolf shares introspective advice for the infertile wife.

TUTUM JOURNAL summer 2022

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Page 14

How I Reframed Womanhood

Cover Story

Yoga teacher and women's health mentor Veronica Santini shares how yoga saved her from premature ovarian insufficiency.

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Inspirational advocate and real estate lawyer Risa Levine opens up about fighting for infertility rights and access to care, by Charlie Bishop.

Unapologetically Me: Woman In The Black Hijab

Coach Aisha Balesaria unpacks her experience as an infertile Muslim woman living with chronic illnesses.

in every issue Page 4

CONTRIBUTORS Page 5

EDITOR’S REFLECTION Page 18

I Don’t Need To Be A Mother To… Activist Míriam Aguilar shares a poem on life purpose and value as a non-mother.

Page 20

Peace In Uncertainty Christian writer Briea Peace shares a transparent poem about her journey on peace to come.

Page 21

Are You There Uterus (Aka Ruth)? It's Me Stephanie… Again Poet and writer Stephanie Keesey-Phelan shares a candid poem about contemplating a hysterectomy.

Page 36

Let’s Talk About Sex… And Childlessness Blogger Brandi Lytle interviews seven women and three men from varied paths to childlessness on their sex lives.

Page 46

8 Strategies To Get Out Of A Rut Worksheet

Page 5

TUTUM SURVEY Readers reveal what they think about key subjects relevant to the childless community.

Page 22

RESEARCH IN PROGRESS Reflects our global reach, demonstrating the full scope of lived experiences through primary research.

Page 26

GAME CHANGER Spotlighting the achievements of trailblazing childless/childfree women.

Page 40

MEDICAL AWAKENING Examines medical conditions and relevant information of interest to childless/childfree women.

Page 42

NAVIGATING AGING Explores topics, gaining new perspectives, advice, and relevant information associated with women aging without children.

Tips that will help you along the path to get unstuck in your life.

Page 44

Page 47

BUILDING BRIDGES

My Thoughts Create My Reality

A Q&A with industry experts that tackle wide-reaching issues that affect and strengthen the childless community.

Affirmation reflections on reprogramming your mindset and thinking pattern.

VOLUME 2, ISSUE 6, Tutum Journal™ (ISSN 2766-9580) is published quarterly by Tutum Global. For more information about Tutum Journal, please visit us at www.tutumjournal.com, or email us at info@tutumjournal.com. www.tutumjournal.com

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FOUNDER & EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Jobi Tyson

EDITORIAL Charlie Bishop Brandi Lytle

COPY EDITOR Rosalyn Scott

CONTRIBUTORS Míriam Aguilar Aisha Balesaria Sandy Deringer Simone Edwards The Fibroid Foundation Sheri Johnson Stephanie Keesey-Phelan Briea Peace BonnieRuth Rolf Veronica Santini

© 2022 Tutum Global. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in part, or in whole, without prior written permission, excepting brief quotations in connection with reviews written specifically for inclusion in magazines, newspapers, blogs, or limited excerpts strictly for personal use. Designed in the U.S.A. DISCLAIMER: Opinions expressed by the authors are not necessarily those of Tutum Global, disclaiming any liability to any party for the accuracy, completeness, efficacy, or availability of the material contained in this publication.

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TUTUM JOURNAL summer 2022

EDITOR'S REFLECTION + FEEDBACK Ain’t I A Woman?

What is a woman? The fact that I ask this is in and of itself significant. Historically, women have been associated with the body and the womb. But if I wish to define myself, I must first of all say: ‘I am a woman,’ and this truth reminds me of Ain’t I A Woman? – a powerful speech delivered at the Ohio Women’s Rights Convention of 1851 orated by Black abolitionist and feminist activist Sojourner Truth describing the need for equal rights for women in the United States. In contrast, despite 171 years of feminism and the women’s movement since, the persistence of dominant pronatalist discourses means that the reproductive status of women is still made to be relevant to how women are perceived, defined, and valued in contemporary society.

A few years ago, I had an epiphany that my entry into adulthood was marked by the hidden grief and trauma of the inability to conceive a child for my then-husband. Needless to say, trauma can make us feel stuck at the age we experienced it. No wonder it took me 15 years to finally feel like a woman, or that for most of my adult life I felt like the 20-something newlywed barren wife on the inside.

Photo: JUSTIN BOWENS

Now, a divorced woman in my mid-40s who earned a bachelor’s and master’s at acclaimed institutions, I reflect on my life and not only celebrated milestones but endured disappointments in my own rites of passage. For me, womanhood didn’t happen at puberty, having a period, being sexually active, or at marriage. For 20 years, being an infertile woman was often a source of shame, silence, social stigma, invisibility, anxiety, depression, and discomfort as I witnessed the fact that our roles and identities as women are centered on children. Surprisingly enough, I began to reclaim my identity as a woman and took steps to heal from the traumas of feeling defective or less than, after I had a hysterectomy. Although there was grief attached to removing

With gratitude,

the womb that had betrayed me, there was also another uninvited grief of permanently ending my fertility journey. But, I wasn’t accustomed to adulthood without the desperate pursuit of motherhood. But then it dawned on me the exact moment when I became a woman—a fully realized unashamed woman by reclaiming my womanhood, speaking positive affirmations, and creating boundaries for a much-needed healing journey. Now six years post-hysterectomy, I am owning my voice and celebrating who I am as a whole woman. I am no less a woman because I’m infertile. I am no less a woman because of reproductive

Jobi Tyson, MBA

health struggles. I am no less a woman because I’m childless. I am no less a woman because only I get

@tutumjournal @childlesswomen

to decide what it means for me to be a woman.

Facebook.com/childlesswomen

In this ‘Womanhood’ issue, my aim is to honor the psychological complexities of childless women’s

I asked our readers ‘What does womanhood mean to you?’ experiences by attending to our voices to recognize and celebrate us as valuable and meaningful with

YouTube.com/childlesswomen

voices worth listening to.

TUTUM SURVEY

WHAT YOU TOLD US To carefully curate each issue’s theme to support and strengthen the mental well-being of involuntarily childless women, we took Instagram polls using question-wording: Do you believe that womanhood equates motherhood?

8% Yes

92% No

Do you think that childless women face bias in the workplace?

90% Yes

Sometimes 10%

0% No

“I have met brave women who are exploring the outer edge of possibility, with no history to guide them and a courage to make themselves vulnerable that I find moving beyond the words to express it.”

— Gloria Steinem www.tutumjournal.com

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WOMAN.

BY SANDY DERINGER

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TUTUM JOURNAL summer 2022

What is it to be a woman?

To be born with a ceaseless fire raging through her veins and a hunger in her belly to take uneven roads; because she

was

built for it. With limbs of steel and a heart of riches, she’s a warrior born to survive without a map, navigating unfamiliar

terrain and hidden corners of vast oceans and uncharted cliffsides, armed only with her intuition.

To be a woman is to be a wide-open field, exposed and liberated in a warm breeze; blooming with the changing seasons; evermore beautiful with each death of her former self and the next

cycle of rebirth.

A woman promises herself a journey of unlimited learning and dreams fulfilled. She delivers on those promises, always leaving enough room

to expand beyond her current state of being—to flourish in creative spaces of curiosity and

deeper self-knowing; to come to love the parts of herself she never knew existed.

To be a woman is to learn to love every inch of her skin—every curve and crevice and imperfection is beauty

untamed.

A woman can look into the mirror and recognize a benevolent heart staring back at her beneath an unyielding exterior.

She is a renegade, refusing to live up to unattainable standards, offering herself grace in the moments of her

humanity—mistakes, fear, weakness; for times she should have shown herself greater warmth and kindness.

A woman will always stare ahead toward

the horizon, yet never abandons the apprehensive little girl she used to be.

She listens when her younger self speaks in trembling whispers, aching to turn back to higher grounds where she’s safely out of reach. Instead, a woman will take hold of her younger self’s hands and guide her forward.

To be a woman means to find her own momentum, to take

up precious space—because the world is in dire need

of her gifts. She may collect stones along the way to commemorate the battles she’s fought and won, but she will never allow them to weigh her down. She is a torch in the dark, lighting a path with clear-headed resiliency and unwavering determination.

Women hold women high; they lean on other goddesses, immersing themselves in sisterly prowess and turning their power to the collective circle of female camaraderie. The lioness overcomes suffering, grief, and adversity within her feminine identity and sisterlike accord.

She is deeply rooted in her beliefs and lives by her own set of rules, breaking them at any given opportunity. Women

take risks and can become anything they set their minds to. To be a woman is to challenge the status quo even when without limitations; forever empowered and rarely undermined by her sex. it feels most uncomfortable; to defy stereotypes and expectations weighing heavily on her. A woman lives

I am a woman. I am not fearless, but I

am resolute.

With every falling tear and roar of laughter, I am passionate, colorful, and chaotic. I love with every drumming of my heart and spend each day defining

womanhood for myself, a version that suits me and the life I have been given. I

do not apologize for my imperfections or weaknesses, for my inability to do what others can do more easily.

I am transforming—constantly growing, learning, loving, breathing, battling, overcoming, and dreaming.

Just as all women do.

Sandy Deringer (@S.D.Writer) is a copywriter and prose poet, based in the US.

www.tutumjournal.com

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5

STEPS TO

DETACH

WOMANHOOD FROM

MOTHERHOOD

BY SHERI JOHNSON

It was the fall of 2017 and my husband and I had come to a fork in the road on our fertility journey. I didn’t realize at the time that it would be the most important decision of our lives: to try donor conception or to stop trying altogether. Parenthood or a childless life.

We chose to stop trying, and for the next two years I wrestled with three thought processes that ran through my mind like a movie on repeat. They were the thoughts that were sabotaging my self-worth as a childless woman.

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TUTUM JOURNAL summer 2022

Those thoughts were: •

I feel less than the mothers. I’m not as good as them.

•

I don’t fit in. I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. I’m constantly excluded.

•

They all boiled down to one core belief:

womanhood equals motherhood.

I had tied my value, my identity, and my worth to being a mother. And until I could untangle them, I would never feel good about myself. But I eventually

I’m not fully a woman. I’m not whole. If I haven’t carried a pregnancy

learned how to begin valuing myself as an equal in a

and experienced birth, I’ve missed a key step to becoming a woman.

society that teaches us that mothers are all.

Here are 5 steps that helped me to detach womanhood from motherhood and to cultivate my own self-worth.

1.

Recognize the difference between your true self and your ideal image.

This may be the hardest part because it first requires you to grieve the loss of your desired identity as a mother.

This loss is worthy of grief. Society may tell you it’s not, but the sadness that you feel when you begin to accept that being a mother will not be your identity is honest-to-goodness grief. Allow yourself to honour that.

2.

Witness the moments when you glorify your ideal identity.

Whenever you are around pregnant women or mothers, notice how you feel. Anytime you feel intimidated by someone, less than them, or not as good as them, you are placing more value on them than yourself. This is putting them on a pedestal. It’s glorifying them.

3.

Notice when you separate yourself from people who carry your ideal identity.

Anytime you feel like you don’t belong, you feel excluded, or you feel like you don’t fit in, you are separating yourself from others. You are leaving it up to them to make you feel included and that is giving away your power. It is giving them control over how you feel. Step out of that and empower yourself to belong when and where you want to belong.

4.

Practice valuing yourself.

This can take many different forms. It might be saying “no” to a gathering you don’t feel up to attending. It may be accepting an offer of help when you host dinner when you would normally turn it down. Or saying “no” when you’re asked to accommodate your friends or family’s needs instead of your own. Perhaps it means engaging in some guilt-free self-care. Or allowing yourself the time you need to rest. Put your own needs first and see how it feels.

5.

Create and repeat affirmations that counteract your belief.

Take the key message you’ve been telling yourself and turn it on its head. For example, if you feel like you are not as good as mothers, your affirmation could be, “I am good enough, just as I am.” If you feel like you haven’t reached full womanhood, repeat, “I am whole” or simply, “I am a woman.” Affirmations can be very powerful at changing a core belief you have about yourself or the world. Put them on repeat instead of the beliefs that make you feel worthless.

Five years since those early days on the childless side of the fork in the road, I feel like an entirely different person. I no longer feel inadequate and less than my child-bearing friends. I stand in my power, accepting that I don’t need someone else to make me feel like I belong. And I know that I am a whole and worthy woman.

Find out your own level of self-worth by taking the quiz at www.sherijohnson.ca.

Sheri Johnson (@awakening.worth) is the creator of the Women of Worth Membership and the Awakening Worth Podcast, based in Canada. www.tutumjournal.com

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REFLECTIONS OF A

BARREN WIFE

BY BONNIERUTH ROLF

Would I ever feel whole? Would I ever feel good enough? Would

narrative that feels unbeatable. The line between what is true and

I ever be fulfilled as a woman, or even a wife? Would I lose

what is not is so thin, I often felt as if I was in a blank space unsure

everything if I could not obtain this one thing? Would I truly know

of what to do, what to believe, what I was seeing, and how I would

the purpose in my life? Would I live life feeling like a failure all my

ever find stability.

days if I do not have a baby? Would I ever be able to love my body that seemed to only fail me? Would I discover the depth of my femininity and be comfortable with it?

Every failed pregnancy, every unsuccessful surgery, every disappointment, put me face to face with the harsh reality that I had no control over what my story was going to look like. The pages

These were the questions my infertility journey seemed to lord

being written were filled with disillusionment. It began to blind me

over me on a daily basis. They swirled around my mind as if to

from seeing ME! I became unaware of how to know me, grow me,

create a storm of unfulfilled dreams wrecking my heart.

and love me. I learned how to live life in pain and heartache. I could

Infertility is messy on every level. It tries to tell you lies that if allowed can take deep root and begin to define you. It creates a false narrative of who we are as a woman out of a very real 12

TUTUM JOURNAL summer 2022

survive a day where all others would see me as successful and thriving, but inside myself, I only saw a woman who had nothing to give and would never know herself unattached to failure.

A

s a wife these questions caused me to shut down. I wasn’t able to show up in the way in which my husband saw me and loved me. I let what my body and emotions were going through tell me I had no right to femininity and sensuality

or true connection. I love as if the lie was true, that I was ugly, less than and couldn’t find my way out of failure. It crushed his heart and hid mine. This was no way to live life for either of us. We loved each other deeply but neither was empowered to show up and live in that love fully. In our 21-year marriage, we have had to learn how to call the lies out, to let our love for the other speak above the noise of the storms of unwanted narratives. We had to give space to the pain, grief, and healing. Together we found it was better; it was the only way for us to discover who we were individually and as a couple. Together we could see more clearly and step into the fullness of what our love for ourselves and each other needed to be.

The many layers of decisions, emotions, trauma, and unknowns of infertility can be a divider. It often separates us from all else with the effort to gain one thing. For me, I had to come to a place where I was going to love myself, walk fully in my femininity, and show up in the relationships and opportunities that were awaiting me. I could not let myself stay in the place of giving up on myself, my marriage, and my fulfillment. See, if we do not find that place of healing and truth within ourselves and as a couple, when the baby comes that false reality I spoke of early becomes reality over time. We may have what we exhausted all efforts to obtain, but we no longer have a beautiful space within ourselves or our marriage. The beauty, the discovery, and the joy of our femininity is the very thing we have to fight for, and it is often the first thing we let go of.

I have found that holding onto my femininity is easier than I thought. Maybe you are asking yourself, how in the world could she say that? Hang in there with me! We must find the safe places within ourselves and our relationships to share the difficult and the hope—to share grief and joy. They can coexist within our hearts and within our relationships. Here are some practical tips that have helped empower me to release myself from the false narrative that infertility and childlessness not by choice have tried to paint on the canvas of my heart, and still actively apply in my life. These tips are not meant to be interpreted or done out of false positivity, but to inspire you, encourage you, and urge you to find that place of empowerment within yourself.



Speak the false narrative out loud in a safe space. If we expose it, it cannot take up any more space.



Speak back to that false narrative that is truth. There is power in hearing yourself write your own narrative.



Stand in the mirror and tell yourself who you are—NOT who infertility or childlessness has tried to define you as.



Center yourself. Faith, friendship, and fun are often what do that for me.



HUG your spouse or a trusted friend and look them in the eyes. We often see the truth of who we are through others’ eyes.



Dress the opposite of how you feel. This will not make things better, but it will remind you that you have a right to walk in confidence.



Step into a space or do something that will bring joy.



Have a GOOD counselor and see them regularly. We cannot walk this journey on our own and in our own heads.

If I could leave you with this one thought, it would be, no matter the places in your life that feel barren, do not live as if you are broken.

BonnieRuth Rolf (@barrennotbroken) is the podcast host of Barren Not Broken, based in the US. www.barrennotbroken.com www.tutumjournal.com

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HOW I REFRAMED WOMANHOOD

BY VERONICA SANTINI

I remember the day I was told my ovaries were not visible. “What do you mean? How can they disappear?” I never knew that when ovaries don’t work as they should they shrink; nor did I know that the uterus does the same when you enter the menopausal years.

It was foreign to me how menopause could arrive at the young age of 32.

Photo: ELLA H. PHOTOGRAPHY

I know better now.

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TUTUM JOURNAL summer 2022

I was diagnosed with premature ovarian insufficiency just before

In the spiritual realms of yoga and energetics, “birthing” isn’t just giving

turning 32, six months before getting married. I experienced the

birth to babies, rather it is referred to as birthing ideas and projects; it

heartbreak of planning a wedding while going to fertility clinics,

is the creative energy that is inherent to every human being, male or

acupuncturists, and Chinese medicine doctors; of choosing the

female. The creative energy resides in the pelvis, just below the navel,

flowers for my bouquet, while doing daily online research to try and

where the sacral chakra is located. This chakra reminds us that we hold

come up with a solution for my baby wish; of going to wedding

the ability to create in our bodies and that creation can appear in many

dress fitting appointments without knowing if I would or wouldn’t

different forms and shapes. It also reminds us of our capacity to flow

be pregnant by the time of the wedding.

and adapt, just like water in a riverbed. Water doesn’t stop her course;

I can feel it in my heart again. I can feel it in my belly—the hurt, the grief—just living there; it hasn’t completely faded away and that almost feels comforting. I am human.

In that first year of my diagnosis, I felt I was a disappointment; towards myself for not being able to do what most women do effortlessly, towards my husband for not being able to “deliver”

she moves around the rocks. Just like that, when faced with difficulties, we can also find new ways to move with the current of our lives.

In yoga, feminine and masculine are considered energies and qualities. Masculine is yang, light, warm, dynamic; the feminine is yin, dark, cold, static. These two energies co-exist in each human being and the world around us. There isn’t one without the other.

what I had promised him, and towards my parents for not being

Infertility for me meant reconnecting with my femininity. It was

able to make them grandparents.

very clear to me that I needed to soften, listen, surrender, and

In those early days, I felt like I was an incomplete woman because I didn’t have the ability to procreate. I felt powerless, empty, and

surround myself with the gentle feminine energy. That was MY way to reclaim my womanhood.

broken. Although I felt so unconditionally loved by my husband and

Infertility can feel lonely and isolating, but for me, it’s what

some friends, I felt misunderstood by my family and other friends.

opened the doors to genuinely connecting with other women. It

My confidence and my ability to think rationally and clearly were fogged by the complex grief I was enduring and grief of the loss of my youth, of my identity as a fertile woman, of my future as I had imagined it, and of so much more.

After all, we grew up in a pronatalist society where women who

allowed me to soften into my gentle, receiving, feminine energy.

I discovered the importance of asking for help and realized how much wisdom women hold in their bodies and life experiences.

Connecting to other women and my own feminine energy was the foundation of my healing journey.

aren’t mothers are looked at with questioning eyes. A woman

With infertility I actually became more of a woman, I started

without children is somehow seen as a woman who is missing a

embodying my feminine energy and realising that a powerful

piece. For example, consider the approach doctors have towards

woman is a woman who is brave to soften and welcome life as it

hysterectomies: It is all tied to the belief that the uterus is the

flows to and through her.

organ for reproduction and its only function is to bear children. So, if you do have a uterus and are not bearing children, you might as well not have a uterus.

Even the Cambridge Dictionary doesn’t help my case. As I search the definition of woman, I find: belonging or relating to women; the sex that can give birth to young or produce eggs.

So, if I cannot give birth and my reproductive system is not producing eggs… am I still a woman? Even the dictionary casts doubt.

The question is how can we let go of beliefs that have been instilled in us through centuries? How do we abandon the idea that a woman who isn’t a mother is not a complete or real woman?

What came to the rescue to help me reframe womanhood and feel like a woman again was yoga and the wisdom it is founded on:

S

o, what defines a woman?

I believe that you define your own meaning of womanhood!

Start listening to the stories you tell yourself and open up to embracing this new you that has emerged from all of her life experiences. Embrace your kind feminine energy, surround yourself with a community of like-minded women and you will bloom into YOU.

philosophy, energetics, and the somatic body.

An inherently complete, beautiful woman.

Veronica Santini (@veronicasantini_yoga) is a yoga teacher and women’s health mentor, based in Italy. www.veronicasantini.com www.tutumjournal.com

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Unapologetically Me:

Woman In The Black Hijab

BY AISHA BALESARIA

S 16

ociety has always put pressure on women to ‘conform,’ ‘endure,’ and ‘question less’—things I told myself at 13 years old would never be common

“How do we set ourselves free from the expectations of society, family, culture, or faith?” I’ve asked myself this question many times over the years and it’s not an easy one to answer.

practice in my home. For most of my life I’ve been loud

For me, radical self-liberation or setting ourselves free is

about the things that are important to me (how unladylike,

understanding the role we create for ourselves. Establishing

*rolls eyes*) and being unapologetic about who I am hasn’t

boundaries, thinking for myself, and boldly ‘doing it’ or

been easy. Being a woman of mixed South Asian heritage,

making change were some of the ways I’d began to feel

Muslim, involuntarily childless, and living with chronic

freer. Has it been easy? Hell no! But that’s the beauty of

illnesses were layers that needed unpacking before I could

being unapologetic about who you are; it’s being scared

understand who I wanted to become.

whilst ‘doing it’ and not caring what others think.

TUTUM JOURNAL summer 2022

Only You Can Define Who You Are This is how I thought the role of Indian women was defined

Womanhood has always been synonymous with

growing up: men do what they want, and women do what

motherhood, and I can only imagine what women have

they’re told. The patriarchal values in South Asian communities

heard over the centuries when their reproductive system

tend to privilege boys and men, and ever since I was old

didn’t do what historically it was told it should. The question

enough to think for myself I knew I’d have to fight to be heard.

is, how do you show up as a non-parent in a mother-centric

I love my culture—its traditions can be beautiful, rich, and

world? Unapologetically is the short answer—being you and

diverse. However, there are cultural norms and traditional ways

doing what you want or enjoy is enough. I didn’t need to

of thinking that no longer align with me, and in 2022 I get to

become the CEO of a global company or top Forbes rich list

choose which of these customs I want to embrace or forsake.

to ‘make up’ for not being a mother. I wanted my childfree life to be about finding happiness, and the joy I sought came

In my 30s, self-liberation meant wearing hijab, a headscarf which is quite the opposite of the Eurocentric view that Muslim women’s attire is a symbol of oppression. “We are viewed as people who don’t fit in with ‘Western’ or ‘modern’ values, and tend to be seen as inherently oppressed...” I remind myself that these disempowering beliefs about my choices are others’ interpretation of my lifestyle and don’t make it my truth. There’s nothing more empowering than deciding what parts of my body I choose to show others, which is why my idea of ‘womanhood’ is celebrating each person’s version of it.

in supporting others also childless not by choice through individual coaching. I’m trying hard to change the narrative that someone’s life must look a certain way (mum, dad, two kids, and a dog) when “there are varieties of a happy life.”

After years of infertility, I suffered a very painful miscarriage, and unbeknown to me, the first of many. My faith grew

I’ve Warmly Embraced All of Me After years of hearing how women should behave and act, I have warmly embraced the woman I’ve become. Being bold, opinionated, and direct are some of those qualities—traits often associated with men. I’ve been called ‘alpha female’ on numerous occasions and each time I’ve argued that I can be bold and gentle simultaneously. These longstanding divides of boxing men and women into categories are so archaic. Men, women, and those who identify as something else can be whatever they choose.

stronger over this difficult period and I began changing for the

For me, womanhood is my hijab and the right to

better. Wearing hijab meant the way I looked was more in line

choose. It’s being seen as more than a uterus, a

with how I practiced my faith, and being visibly Muslim became

wife, a creator, or nurturer. It’s being respected for

important to me. There’s so much outrage surrounding

who I quite literally am and not for how soft and

women forced to wear hijab and rightly so, but not many see

gentle, covered, thin, or pretty one expects me to

the difficulties faced by those in the Western world choosing

be. I’m imperfect and flawed, and both make me

to do it. The judgement, assumptions, and Islamophobia are

human.

endemic and what I sincerely want is for everyone to stop policing what women wear. My Muslim faith and Indian culture are two very separate entities that have become entangled over

Womanhood is what I choose it to be and that’s being unapologetically me!

the centuries. Contrary to popular belief, my faith empowers me as a woman—my culture doesn’t always.

Aisha Balesaria (@mindbodyrevival_coach) is the founder of mindbodyrevival_coach and supports individuals who are involuntarily childless or struggling with infertility, based in the UK. www.mindbodyrevivalcoach.com www.tutumjournal.com

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I Don’t Need To Be

A Mother To… I don’t need to be a mother to

give my life purpose or to value it more.

I don’t need to be a mother to be closer to my partner.

I don’t need to be a mother to understand what life is all about.

I don’t need to be a mother to

experience the purest, most unconditional love in the world.

I don’t need to be a mother to be a “real” woman.

I don’t need to be a mother to be part of a family.

I don’t need to be a mother to “earn” my place as a woman.

I don’t need to be a mother to deserve work-life balance.

I don’t need to be a mother to be a successful woman.

I don’t need to be a mother to

talk about things related to children or to understand and learn about them.

I don’t need to be a mother to

enjoy time spent with children and to be a part of their upbringing.

I don’t need to be a mother to be remembered after I’m gone.

I don’t need to be a mother to

enjoy, experience, value, or understand many of the things they said I could only do if I had a child.

Míriam Aguilar, Spain @holasoymir

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Peace In

Uncertainty I remember where I was when I found out that you were pregnant.

You may have told me in person. I may have found out through someone else or on social media. Maybe I just noticed your body changing and could not confirm until that perfect newborn photo surfaced on Instagram.

However it happened, I remember how I learned your wonderful news. I remember the maternity photos when you switched from regular clothes to maternity clothes, and receiving the invite to your baby shower.

I probably know your child’s middle name and can hazard a guess at their exact birthday. I remember how I felt when these things occurred. I felt forgotten by God (enemy thought), left behind in this life stage; jealousy, grief, and physical pain from yet another month with an empty womb.

I also felt like a horrible person for not being able to rejoice with you. I felt completely buried under all of the sadness. Your happy news + a body that continues to betray me every month = a very confused, sad, occasionally bitter woman.

This woman wants to rejoice with you. This woman wants to want to hear about your adventures in motherhood and your baby’s latest accomplishments. She wants to want to see pictures. She wants to want to relate. But she can’t right now. She’s still waiting with no promise that things will ever change.

She’s still waiting to feel whole again.

She’s still waiting for the peace to come.

She is me.

“Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good spirit lead me on level ground.” Psalm 143:10

Briea Peace, United States @peace.in.uncertainty

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Are Are you you there there uterus uterus (aka (aka Ruth)?

Ruth)?

It’s It’s me me Stephanie…

Stephanie… again again I think we should have

I can almost smile at the

a conversation

memory of the day when I saw the

before I let you go.

line form on the test

A chance for you to defend yourself ¬¬–

once in October

to make a last stand.

once in September,

I struggle to muster the energy for it

always in the fall.

because it’s been a long three years

It’s bittersweet and I wonder

and we weren’t terribly close even before that.

if it always will be.

I think you might make a case for your relevance as the cornerstone of my womanhood.

We both know you’ve never claimed that though.

You were their home even if they didn’t make it, and maybe instead of anger or

An organ doesn’t make a woman.

exhaustion

I want to tell you thank you

Because we tried

but I’m honestly exhausted by the fiery sensation that has stretched across my abdomen for a year, and the thought of last winter’s round of chemotherapy, and the uterine artery embolization before that which brought me the worst pain I’ve ever experienced.

I’m sad but in a quieter way now about my babies who never breathed the air, who never met their father, who changed me for better or for worse, well, probably for better let’s not be too dramatic, and they did it just by being for a short while.

I should feel a sort of sisterhood with you. to bring them to life together.

And we were both collateral damage of those spectacular failures except that I came out of it transformed, my life taking a sharp turn in a direction I never traveled before.

But you will be left behind.

Now I’m preparing for you to go too, like the babies did, pulled through my vagina into the light before you’re gone for good.

Another loss.

I realize that maybe this isn’t a last stand or an argument but a last goodbye?

I’m a little incredulous at the thought that I could miss you after everything but there it is.

Goodbye Ruth.

Stephanie Keesey-Phelan, United States (@s.keeseyphelan)

www.tutumjournal.com

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Research in Progress

A Global Exploration of Childless Women of Color

BY JOBI TYSON

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F

emale childlessness and infertility have long been taboo topics, but tremendous changes in both wider society and

the lives of individual women in recent decades have created an increasing trend of involuntary childlessness around the world. However, not enough attention has been paid to the lived experiences of childless women—and the path to childlessness for women of color is even less well understood. In addition, women of color often face an added layer of stigma and stereotyping.

But here we offer in-depth accounts from six involuntarily childless women of color, ages 28–51, from six different countries. Their stories highlight the complex journeys and diverse meanings of childlessness for women of color—as well as offering experiences of resilience whilst existing in their respective countries. Each story is unique; our individual lives as childless women vary so widely and not every woman of color will share the same experiences.

We asked each of the women to explore the question: “With the stigma attached to being a childless woman, what has been your distinct experience existing in your country as a woman of color?”

Women of color are the experts of their own lived experiences. We encouraged the women to answer this by telling the stories of their lives, in their own words. www.tutumjournal.com

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Dina is a 41-year-old African American woman living in the

Graciela is a 51-year-old Argentinian woman living in

United States. She says, “Involuntary childlessness has been

Argentina. She says, “My experience as a woman without children

a major roadblock to my dating life. I am still coming across

in Argentina is fluid and natural, largely, as a result of deep

men who are in their 40s and still want kids, and I anticipated

personal work, which allowed me to go through the mourning

this would stop by this age. It’s been interesting for me because

of having wanted to be a mother without positive results and

I’ve had some extremely confrontational men since I’m very

transform it into resources to accompany other women going

upfront early on that I can’t have kids. There was one guy who

through the same situation. On the other hand, the socio-

started off asking was I okay with the idea of having kids, and

political context in my country, which opened the debate and the

I revealed to him that I couldn’t have kids, but perhaps was

consequent sanction of the Voluntary Interruption of Pregnancy

open to adopting or fostering kids. My admission was followed

Law in 2020, gave way to a strong presence of different feminist

by cruelty, hatred, and abuse for days, being called a useless

movements in the streets, the mass media, and social networks,

woman, a fake woman, and he even said that I’m not even a

from where they reinforce a de-idealized image of motherhood,

woman anymore. And even in dating when they’re not cruel,

as a counterpart to the hegemonic/patriarchal discourse, which

immediately after the topic comes up, I can see the switch flip

insists on the figure ‘woman = mother’ as a model to follow. In

off that I’m not right for them because I can’t have kids. And I’m

those spaces I found the strength to be able to place myself

not against dating men with kids but that’s also been interesting,

outside the norm without feeling excluded or marginalized by

as they often feel like I’m not worthy of marriage jumping to the

my condition, I was able to open myself to new ways of seeing

assumption that I’m not maternal enough to be a stepmother.

the experience of being a mother, with more critical eyes, less

Little do they know that I was a preschool teacher for the first

innocent, realizing that beliefs that I had built, respond to the

half of my adult life. So, there’s this myth that we can’t be

romantic ideas that I grew up with, instilled by religion in its

maternal because we don’t have kids.

pro-natalist doctrine that I received in the first years of Catholic

And I think there’s also this idea within the African American community that you’re not praying hard enough or you’re not believing in God enough, and that’s why this happened to you.

education, and by my family and society in general, which tried to convince me that my mission was being a mother through toy babies and messages that took my destiny for granted.”

So, I’ve had to deal with a lot of that stigma where people feel like, I must’ve sinned, or I must’ve not done something enough within my religion or spirituality for this to happen or for me to end up childless. There’s this idea that I didn’t try hard enough

Liz is a 50-year-old Indian woman living in Australia. She

to ‘save my womanhood.’ It’s that tie between being a woman

says, “It’s not easy describing where I’m from as my life is one

and being a mother, and that those are the same thing. But I

of intersectionality. I consider my ethnicity (cultural identity) to

don’t think that womanhood and motherhood are synonymous,

be South East Asian but my race is Indian although I don’t speak

though a lot of people do.”

any Indian language. However, I’ve lived in the multicultural Australian community for over 30 years, though I’ve always known that being a woman of colour was something I was

Adriana is a 46-year-old Mexican woman living in

proud of but sometimes found myself wishing I didn’t stand out so much. When I realised in late 2015 that I’d be adding

Mexico. She says, “In Mexico, at a social level, the figure of

childlessness to my list of descriptors, it was a bitter pill to

motherhood still holds great weight, and it is assumed that it is

swallow as it was one more thing to stand out from the crowd

a determining role in women’s lives. The religious sphere points

once again or, worse yet, feel even more invisible.

out that women are destined to procreate. In the family field, it is questioned that if a woman does not have children, what will be her legacy and how will she continue her surname?

Over the past five years, I have slowly increased my selfconfidence in acknowledging my value professionally and personally through my authentic lived experience of diversity

Not being a mother is still perceived as something not working

as a childless woman of colour. Having recently turned 50, I

well with that woman and she is stigmatized as the spinster, bitter,

feel that this new decade of life is perfect for developing and

angry, or ‘the one that nobody wanted.’ Unfortunately, there are still

delivering my passions for helping to change the narrative

areas and contexts in which it is not conceived that a woman can

around pronatalism in social and professional settings

be full and happy, and develop in other roles, without having to be a

for childlessness and women of colour. Due to having the

mother. When I was between 35 and 40 years old it was extremely

confidence to talk more openly about experiencing racism (even

difficult to deal with these stigmas. Although the social pressure

microaggressions), I feel far more confident in the opportunities

for motherhood is the same, it now affects me less because I am

for inspiring change and increasing awareness in my current

at peace with the decision to stop pursuing motherhood.”

workplace for childless women of colour.”

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Yvonne is a 51-year-old Afro-Caribbean woman living in the United

Susan is a 28-year-old Kenyan woman living

Kingdom. She says, “I’m first-generation British, brought up in a Caribbean

in Kenya. She says, “Infertility and childlessness

household, and I realized how much my parents were trying to protect

in an African country is such a taboo. As a

me from the racism they experienced when they first came over to

childless woman, you are not supposed to talk

England. So, hearing terms like ‘don’t bring shame on the family’ and ‘don’t

about it because it’s such a shame that you can’t

talk about your problems outside of the home’, were very predominant

give a family an offspring to continue with your

messages in my upbringing.

generation. By a certain age, you are supposed to

As I was working through my grief of childlessness, I became fully aware of the disparities in healthcare. We’ve got these doctors that are in medical school not being taught about Black bodies. We’ve got the history where enslaved women were experimented on because it was believed we didn’t feel pain. So, now, I’m realizing that we are seen as being more susceptible to pain, so therefore, when I go to the doctor in pain, they’re probably thinking, oh, we have a higher tolerance to pain. So that’s probably nothing.

It felt like no one cared; it felt like I was being left alone to fight. It felt like if I didn’t use my voice, I wouldn’t get any kind of treatment.

At 43, after three years of fertility investigations, I had to keep fighting since my GP didn’t even want to send me for investigations; it was just ‘keep trying,’ and I had to lie just to get that first appointment. So, it showed me the systemic racism, because at one point when I’m sitting in front of the doctor saying, you know, I’m very tired, I’m in so much pain, I’m bleeding heavily. And to be told, ‘maybe it’s your age,’ it really shows how much they are not looking at Black women. It really showed me that there are disparities in our healthcare and, actually, Black women do have to fight harder. And it’s harder because we have already been conditioned

have been married off and have a family with kids.

If you won’t have been married in your late 20s at least you are supposed to have had a kid, and at this stage friends and relatives are asking and dishing out advice on getting children and how you are missing out on it. By this time, you are getting all sorts of advice about pastors or a traditional healer who can pray for you for a partner and to conceive and get babies so that you can also be complete. Everyone will poke your wounds on why you don’t have any kids and keep on asking when you will have a child so that they can start calling you ‘mama so and so’ since as a parent in my country you are supposed to be called your child’s home by most people. I am making peace with being content on being childless not by choice, losing friends, and not getting included because, whew, it’s tough.”

not to talk about our problems. So already we’re in this place where we’re having to say, I need help. Having to ask for help is difficult because we’re in a system that we don’t believe wants to hear us. And when we do bravely ask for that help, then the system doesn’t want to listen because they can’t see us as Black women for who we are and the different care that we need from them.”

Talking with these women has made a positive contribution to opening up the lives of childless people and has especially provided insights that are specific to women of color.

Focusing on a small group enabled us to privilege the voices and experiences of the women and allowed validation and exploration of the findings with the women themselves. In addition, we didn’t ask the women to explain why they are childless. Instead, we offered a space for them to express their voices and experiences, without having to explain or justify their childless status.

Hearing these stories contributes to our understanding of the lived experience of being a childless woman of color in contemporary society. Many childless women of color reveal feeling discredited and undervalued, yet as voices of resiliency, they speak from a place of power, rather than powerlessness.

Jobi Tyson (@jobityson), founder of Tutum Global, is a wellness practitioner certified in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and a sociocultural anthropologist focused on the impact of women’s reproductive health, female childlessness, and infertility trauma, based in the US. www.tutumglobal.com www.tutumjournal.com

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GAME CHANGER The Endometriosis Advocate, Roxene Nickle, Speaks on Her Journey Toward Managing One of the Most HighProfile Jobs in Jamaica

BY SIMONE EDWARDS

Fifty-two-year-old Roxene Nickle is well-known in her native Jamaica as a veteran radio and television personality, but throughout her brilliant career, she silently struggled with endometriosis and pregnancy loss. As well as her media career, Roxene has worked in government and earned her degree in Mass Communications from the University of the West Indies, along with certificates in Radio and Television Techniques, Voice and Speech Techniques, and Writing for Radio and Television. In 2019, she completed and received Upper Second-Class Honors for Integrated Marketing Communications from the University of the West Indies, which is to say, Roxene was resilient and more than prepared to take on one of the most high-profile and demanding jobs in Jamaica. Last winter, she was presented the opportunity of a lifetime as the Director, Social Secretariat for the Office of the Prime Minister of Jamaica, Andrew Holness.

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On her experience facing infertility and endometriosis: My journey began over 10 years ago when I was trying to get pregnant, and it was not happening. An endoscopy was performed, which resulted in a stage 2 endometriosis diagnosis. I did the first surgery and became pregnant around three months later, ending in a spontaneous abortion which means everything from inside my womb all left my body. I took some time to heal and tried again but had two more miscarriages within a year and a half. I had a second surgery because the pain became unbearable, and I would not stop bleeding. When the doctor went in, the endo tissue had taken over my pelvis, vaginal walls, and anus. The surgery entailed entering through both sides of my pelvis, navel, and vaginal canal to remove the endo tissue formation. After a period of healing, I tried again and became pregnant once again. The day I was going to do the ultrasound, my baby girl was not moving, and after multiple regular and vaginal ultrasounds, I sadly realized that I lost the baby. But it did not take me long to accept that I may never be able to carry a child to term or have any. What I am thankful for is I got to see my body change; I got to feel movement, something I know many women with or without endo may never experience.

I no longer feel like I need to apologize to anyone for not having children as much as it is not my choice, but I believe God has another path, not from my womb, but from my heart to work with, nurture, and support children who are in need of love and support.

On how she became an advocate for endometriosis: When I was first diagnosed with endometriosis, I had never heard about it. So, I started researching what it is.

I discovered the BASE Foundation in Jamaica started by Shauna Fuller-Clarke who I contacted and offered to be of any help with the use of my voice and using my broadcasting platform to break the stigma, by spreading the word.

I have since hosted events for BASE Jamaica, been part of the Endo Walk, and yearly march worldwide. I have also hosted virtual events on social media, interviewing endo sisters, doctors, and advocates for the movement. As an endo sister, I spread the word and speak about this disorder that affects 1 in 10 women worldwide.

There is still so much to be done to help my endo sisters. People need to stop putting aside the fact that once it’s pain, we as women are built to deal with it, and look at each woman’s struggle with this disorder individually, and how it affects our lives, relationships, and work situations. Employers and HR need to be educated on endometriosis to facilitate the need for time to handle how this affects our daily lives. Most importantly, families, partners, and friends need to be a support for us.

www.tutumjournal.com

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Photo: DREIMMO PHOTOGRAPHY

I no longer feel like I need to apologize to anyone for not having children as much as it is not my choice, but I believe God has another path, not from my womb, but from my heart to work with, nurture, and support children who are in need of love and support.

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On what first sparked her interest in working in the media industry:

On what’s it like to work with the Prime Minister of Jamaica:

I started in the media industry at five years old,

You never know what the day’s going to look like when

appearing on television and radio shows from Ring Ding,

you wake up. Typically, I have meetings with varied

hosted by the Jamaican cultural icon Louise Bennett-

ministries as early as 8:30 a.m. When I first get to

Coverley, where we sang traditional Jamaican songs to

the office, I confirm that all current and forthcoming

the radio program, Colgate Cavity Fighters Club.

events with the banqueting team are met, whether

So, naturally as I entered into adulthood, I continued my media journey at a local radio station as a technician to television for over 10 years as a producer, presenter, reporter, camera person, editor, and show host. Then I went from presenting the daily lottery draw and worked my way up to an onair presenter to eventually hosting my own Saturday morning show and eventually as a producer.

for a press conference, meetings, or official visits, including our recent royal visit.

My longest and most intense day is Monday as that is when the Cabinet of the Government of Jamaica meets it starts at 10 a.m. and can go as late as midnight. Usually, my team and I have to be openly available even through lunch and afternoon coffee breaks.

Every day has been a learning experience. Working in government is a different dispensation compared to

On mental challenges that women must overcome in their profession: There are challenges in every profession I have worked in that have at times caused me to question if this is the right job for me and if I can be good at it.

This is especially true with my new job in the Office of the Prime Minister—a total career change—but I have come to it with varied experiences that have shaped me to bring value to this position. So, I just regroup when I feel doubt setting in and focus on how to make it better and learn as I continue to grow in the space.

working in the corporate world and I look forward to each unpredictable day.

On what advice she’d give to her 20-year-old self: Be brave; do not doubt God or your God-given talents.

Step out in faith and take chances as you grow as a person. Live, love, and laugh. You never know if your parachute works until you jump; so, jump in fear and in faith, and the experiences you have will be ones that you will forever cherish.

Connect with Roxene: Instagram and Twitter: @Roxindabox • Facebook: Roxene A V Nickle • YouTube: Roxene’s Journeys • Website: www.roxenesjourney.com

Simone Edwards (@jamhurricane) is a WNBA Champion, the first Jamaican WNBA player, founder of Simone4Children, and author of Unstoppable: A Memoir of Adversity, Perseverance and Triumph, based in the US and Jamaica. www.jamaicanhurricane.com

To nominate a Game Changer, visit www.tutumjournal.com. www.tutumjournal.com

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Cover Story

FIGHTING

FOR OUR RIGHTS

BY CHARLIE BISHOP

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Photographed By: LENA DI Makeup & Styling: JOSE PARRON

A

real estate lawyer and advocate, Risa Levine’s office is wherever she needs it to be. Working for herself provides her flexibility to follow her mission to lobby against injustices, in the same way she has done since her college days.

In her own words, if we “see something, we must say – and do! – something,” explaining that objecting to offensive TV shows or newspaper articles isn’t enough: “If current laws allow unfair treatment and abuse, by the medical profession, insurance industry, or anyone, then we have to step up and re-write the laws.”

That is the only way changes occur, from someone standing up and taking that first step, yet many of us don’t feel confident to stand up and question it.

It’s a story that starts like so many others: An expectation for a family one day and never really imagining that this would not be possible, that being a mother could be that far out of reach and end up being a journey like no other.

At 38, a single Risa Levine went to her OB-GYN, eager to become a mother and wanting to see what her options were. She left assured that she didn’t have to worry, that she had time. It was a relief of sorts.

She wasn’t sure it was the best thing to do alone anyway, but now told by her long-term doctor that she had time to think about it, she decided to hold off on making any immediate decisions.

Married at 40, Risa and her then-husband started trying for a baby about a year later. Cognizant of the rule that after the age of 35, if after six months of having unprotected sex and not becoming pregnant you should speak to a doctor, she went much sooner, keen to understand her prognosis.

Her first round of Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) yielded a positive beta test but failed early into the pregnancy. Moving to In vitro fertilization (IVF), she went from cycle to cycle over four years; spending not just money, but physical duress, emotion, and loss of heart, with every unsuccessful cycle, every pregnancy loss. Cycle after cycle, there were long interim waits as her body recuperated, timeconsuming monitoring, and hundreds of timed injections that had to be administered wherever she was, including, at a Bruce Springsteen concert. “I just undid my jeans and jabbed right from my seat,” she recalls. No one even noticed.

www.tutumjournal.com

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She admits she wasn’t fully aware of the money she was burning through, since her husband was meant to be in charge of that but knowing that the lifetime maximum of coverage provided by her insurance was $10,000— an amount exhausted during the first two months of treatment— she realized something bigger had to be done.

Despite all that, she was still motivated to do something, to continue to fight for improvements to the process to benefit others going through the same thing.

In college, Risa had been an advocate for many causes, and it was those skills that catapulted her into advocacy for infertility patients. When she first started, social media didn’t exist, but she knew the way to enact real and lasting change, which remains the same today: Being present and lobbying elected government officials, often fiercely.

She went to Capitol Hill to meet with Members of Congress, was involved in both presidential and other campaigns, and consequently, ended up being contacted by RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association, the leading pro-family building organization in the United States. It was this connection that saw her chairing Advocacy Days, being invited to join the board of RESOLVE, and winning awards for the work that she has done, and continues, to do. She even had an award named

Risa knew it was wrong that there wasn’t a national mandate

after her: “The RESOLVE Advocacy Legacy Award in honor of

to cover infertility treatment, something common across

Risa A Levine.”

the world. So, she began to advocate for justice for infertility

Continuing the advocacy she had already started, one of

patients.

the many issues she had been working on was legalizing

At the same time though, she continued through her personal

compensated gestational surrogacy, as surrogacy

journey. A little over four years since she came off birth control

arrangements were unrecognized, and compensated

pills, with back-to-back fertility treatments and spending more

surrogacy was illegal in New York.

than a quarter of a million dollars, her marriage ended.

Traveling back from Albany, New York, on the train after

The biggest fight in their divorce: the remaining frozen embryos.

testifying on behalf of RESOLVE about the critical need to

Back in the early 2000s, the standard clinic consent covered disposition of the embryos in the event of death, but not what happens in the case of divorce, leaving the parties in any dispute over ownership of the embryos in limbo. Nevertheless, “the New York public policy at the time was that you can’t force someone to be a parent if they didn’t want to,” she explains, “Because it would expose the other party to a claim for child support, as that is a right of the child, and cannot be

legalize surrogacy arrangements for infertility patients, she read the full provisions of the proposed legislation that had been drafted by four Assisted Reproduction Technology (ART) lawyers. The bill included a provision, later to affectionately become known as the Risa Provision, that in the event of a divorce and absence of agreement, the non-consenting partner would be deemed a “donor” and therefore not deemed a parent for child support purposes.

waived by a parent.”

A fierce legal battle followed making it very clear that these embryos would never be hers.

The solution was to throw money at the “problem.” Treating the embryos as “property,” Risa was paid an amount based on the average cost of a round of IVF and ancillary costs, to ensure she didn’t pursue the fight further.

Yet this money didn’t quell that feeling of heartache and longing. By this point, she was 48, broke and heartbroken, and too old to go for another round of IVF. That longing remains unresolved, even today, punctuated in a different way now by

She felt elated, she felt heard, and most importantly, she knew this would also help others: no longer would a party be able to hide behind the amorphous potential for future child support obligations as a justification for forcing the destruction of an embryo.

seeing her friends and peers becoming grandparents.

www.tutumjournal.com

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I hope my work has made it easier to get the access to care that people need… or at the very least, inspire them to advocate for themselves.

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It took more than eight years to pass the Child-Parent Security Act, which was finally achieved amidst the crisis of the early weeks of the COVID-19 pandemic.

It’s more than just a passion project; even though her advocacy has

Yet advocacy is more than sharing your story, we are now more

been voluntary, something done on the side, in her own words she

aware than before that deserving rights is not the same as having

“can’t quit.” Many find advocacy cathartic, but as Risa explains, “It’s

them, and to have them, we must fight for them, with those who

just what I do. I have always fought for issues important to me, but

have the power to make it happen: our governments.

this was personal; it had always been for other people before.”

While Risa continues to experience the agonizing loss of her

This was never just about her, however. “I knew how important

"childless, not by choice" journey, she works hard to advocate for

it was. I felt like I had to do it, long after I stopped cycling,” she

others who will walk the infertility path after her. "It’s a mixed bag

explains. The importance of access to infertility treatments and

of loving and appreciating the depths of friendship I enjoy with

patient rights is greater than just one person.

many,” she said. “Especially the sisterhood of infertility sufferers.

Her story is echoed by others, but how the story is presented when she is advocating differs, depending upon the audience. She goes on to explain that “I was older when I started my treatment and I was aware that there was a perception that infertility was

Ultimately, I can’t predict how anyone’s family building will resolve—or not. Still, I hope my work has made it easier to get the access to care that people need… or at the very least, inspire them to advocate for themselves.”

not a ‘disease’ but that it was perceived as a ‘white woman’s entitled focus on career’ problem, instead of recognizing the actual medical challenges to family building that exist, without regard to age, gender, race, or other demographic condition.” She explains, “It is an issue of economic justice too; women need to be able to build their careers, just as men do, but shouldn’t have to forego having a family to do so.”

Asked about her advice to those embarking on their own infertility journey, she shares that it is advisable to be selective about what you say and to whom you disclose, whilst remembering that people are likely to offer seemingly well-meaning ‘helpful’ advice such as: “What you should do… because my office mate’s cousin’s ex-sister-in-law’s neighbor got pregnant from eating bananas on alternate Tuesdays” she says, whilst going on to say, “Once someone starts a sentence with ‘You should just…,’ stop them.

Nothing good follows that phrase.”

Importantly though, ask questions, ensure you feel comfortable with all the information presented both medically and legally, and agree with your partner on what you want to do under every possible scenario that you can imagine.

Our world has changed; how we access support, how we advocate, how we present, and how visible we are online is different.

Source: RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association

Connect with Risa: Twitter: @risal770 • Instagram: @risaalevine • Facebook: Risa A Levine

Charlie Bishop (@charlieabishop / @mrkhconnect) is part of the Tutum Journal editorial team, the Director of UK-based charity MRKH Connect and an MRKH advocate, based in Norway. www.mrkhconnect.org.

www.tutumjournal.com

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Let’s talk about sex…

And childlessness

BY BRANDI LYTLE

SENSITIVE / INTIMATE ARTICLE WITH A

WOBBLE WARNING…

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S

ex during the trying to conceive years of our infertility battle was for a purpose. So much so, that I woke up many a morning to pee on a stick. And if I was ovulating… Well, we stopped everything and had sex.

I say “sex” because I’m not sure you could call what we did “making love.”

Honestly, we had sex for one reason only when I was ovulating—to try and get pregnant. Pillow under the hips, feet in the air for at least 15 minutes after (even if that meant being late for work). And then, the two-week wait to see if it worked. Yup. Sex was definitely for a purpose.

After we accepted that sex wouldn’t work for us (though I still held out hope for a miracle), you’d think I would have been happy to do it whenever, however. But I remember crying as my husband and I made love. Not because sex was physically painful, but because it was emotionally painful. You see, I wanted our closeness—our love—to result in a baby. But I knew that was not likely to occur. And that made me very, very sad.

Now, I didn’t want to be sad when my hubby and I were together. I mean, crying during sex is a real mood killer! At the time, I didn’t realize what I had to do. But now, I know. I had to redefine sex. I had to change my perspective about the purpose of making love.

You see, sex was no longer something to allow us to get pregnant and have a little. No, its sole purpose now was to be close with my husband, to have fun with him. Once I truly let go of the possibility of a “miracle pregnancy,” sex became enjoyable again.

I wondered… Was my experience similar to that of other childless women? What impact has infertility and/or childlessness had on the sexual relationships of other childless couples? How did other childless warriors reclaim/ recapture/redefine sex after infertility/childlessness?

So, I reached out to fellow childless warriors, asking them these questions. Seven courageous women chose to be bravely vulnerable and share their raw, honest truths. Their answers are as varied as the paths to childlessness…

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Thoughts from Childless Women…

“I have always had a high sex drive, so there was no redefining for me/us. We both enjoyed (and still enjoy) sex for the act of coming together as a couple. The possibility of me getting pregnant was going to be an added benefit that unfortunately never happened.” –Brenda “I don’t like sex. I find it unenjoyable and very painful. My poor husband is living in a sexless marriage, and I feel like a total failure as a wife because of it. But I just can’t bring myself to engage in something that is so physically painful.”

–Amanda “We haven’t had sex in two years. Infertility and ‘trying’ has ruined all intimacy for us. I have no idea how to recover from this.” –Anonymous “Initially sex/intimacy was a great way to connect and keep love alive amidst all the heartbreak of IVF cycles. As time went on, it seemed a pursuit of the damned as there was no way sex was going to result in a baby. So, in my head, sex was not related to baby making; sex equaled love making. Over time, as more and more IVF cycles took place and my body started getting traumatised, sex became less enjoyable. But I persisted just to keep intimacy alive. When we ended IVF, sex was fine, as it was all about making love. And all was well until menopause hit. I had an ovarian tumor, followed by vaginal atrophy, which made sex painful. So, we decided to not have penetrative sex until surgery and laser treatment was over. In that time, intimacy waned as well, and I have been celibate since. We now have a platonic marriage, which I find very sad. We have become friends who share a home.” –Anne “We were fairly lucky whilst we were trying to conceive. We managed to keep the romance in our lives and the spontaneity in our sexual relationship. Renovating a large farmhouse, we would indulge in ‘afternoon delight’ amongst the building materials, always ensuring to ‘celebrate’ finishing another room in the same way. We’ve actually struggled more since we stopped TTC. I have stage 4 endometriosis which has caused some pain. However, I used to push through the pain: the possibility of conceiving worth my discomfort. My frozen pelvis and pain is worse these days and there will be no ‘happy ending.’ So, the pain wins. Sex is something we look forward to enjoying again once I have had more surgery.” –Nicci “My husband and I spent the better part of the first two and a half years of our marriage trying to have a child together.

In between IVF cycles, we would do our best to just enjoy sex like any newlyweds would. And for the most part we did, but there was always a niggling reminder after each time of intimacy wondering ‘what if we get to fall pregnant naturally?’ But when [my] period arrived, it would be a massive downer and sex was the last thing on our minds.

Fortunately, once my husband and I realised that having a child of our own was never going to happen, we made a commitment to each other to be a couple who had all the time in the world to love each other. Reclaiming our joy and fantastic sexual intimacy after acceptance of childlessness was actually a wonderful experience. What I wasn't prepared for AT ALL was the impact of perimenopause and menopause on our sexual intimacy. I had never needed anything for lubrication before, so it wasn't even a consideration. But a conversation with a close friend (also experiencing the same issue with her husband) really helped me out as she recommended the use of a natural lubricant and that changed my sex life around in an instant. I was finally able to connect my body and my head to enjoy sex by redefining intimacy as applying lube can be lots of fun! In fact, we had forgotten to take our usual lube with us on a vacation and found a glow in the dark option! After a decade together, I am loving the continued joy and excitement of having sex with my husband!” –Anonymous “Going through infertility treatments and planned sex with ‘rules’ made me absolutely hate sex. Once we came to terms with the fact that our lives would look a little different than we had planned, we gave up the struggle. We totally rekindled the spark, started loving sex and intimacy again, and focused on the next phase of life. Letting go was like finding each other again and getting a second chance for all of those ‘first’ (sexy) feelings.” –Heather

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Thoughts from Childless Men… Going back to the initial question: How did other childless women reclaim/recapture/ redefine sex after infertility/childlessness?

The raw, honest, authentic truth is…

Not every childless woman does.

But what about childless men?

Though Tutum Journal is geared towards women, I believe it would be remiss to exclude the male perspective on this topic— sex and childlessness. After all, it takes two…

Thus, I reached out to childless not by choice men, asking them to share their thoughts on the impact infertility/childlessness has had on their sexual relationships, as well as how they have reclaimed/recaptured/redefined sex after infertility/ childlessness.

Three childless men bravely shared their truths. As with the women, their answers are raw and authentic…

“When going through fertility treatment, it definitely had an impact, as the drugs made me not want to have sex. When you do, you feel like you are on trial, so it’s more for a reason and you think, ‘It better work this time. Otherwise, we can’t have kids and that is not an option.’ So, it plays with your mind. So, it’s not really a joyful time, as it should be. After knowing you can’t have kids… Personally, I don’t think not having kids stopped me wanting to have sex. It was more the mental side around other fathers or men, knowing I can’t have kids, which feeds the mind of I’m not a fully worthy male.” –Anonymous “I found that the whole IVF journey took away the magic, changing something so specially intimate to something robotic. We were lucky the years of therapy gave us the skills to be able to talk about how we felt about this time. I really can’t imagine how those that didn’t have the skills to talk about a subject so intimate survived, as the inability to talk would have been so destructive to [our] relationship.” –Michael “It killed our sexual relationship stone dead for many years. It also left me feeling hugely sexually inadequate. [After], it became more of an affirmation of love and still being by each other’s side despite the horrors of infertility and childlessness.” –Anonymous

Once again going back to the initial question: How did other childless reclaim/recapture/redefine sex after infertility/ childlessness? As one anonymous warrior stated, “I would like to answer it but not sure how… [It’s] difficult to answer.” He’s right. It is difficult to answer.

But that’s exactly what we are going to tackle—next time. Make sure to check out “11 Ways to Reclaim Sex & Intimacy…” in the Fall issue, Belonging.

Brandi Lytle (@notsomommy) is part of the Tutum Journal editorial team, Founder of Not So Mommy… and creator of the olive green Childless Not by Choice Awareness Ribbon, based in the US. www.notsomommy.com

www.tutumjournal.com

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MEDICAL AWAKENING

Uterine Fibroids & Heavy Periods

BY THE FIBROID FOUNDATION

U

terine fibroids, which affect 70 to 80% of women, are an important public health concern. Because of the large number of women affected by them, about 20% of these women experience severe side effects, such as pain, excessive bleeding, and fertility problems, and there are a significant number of hysterectomies undertaken to treat the symptoms they cause.

Do you lose more than 5 to 6 tablespoons of blood during your menstrual period? If so, this is defined as having heavy menstrual bleeding and could be an indicator of a larger issue, such as uterine fibroids.

What Are Uterine Fibroids?

Uterine fibroids are noncancerous growths of the uterus that often appear during childbearing years. Also called leiomyomas or myomas, uterine fibroids aren’t associated with an increased risk of uterine cancer and rarely develop into cancer.

Fibroids range in size from seedlings, undetectable by the human eye, to bulky masses that can distort and enlarge the uterus.

You can have a single fibroid or multiple ones. In extreme cases, multiple fibroids can expand the uterus so much that it reaches the rib cage.

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Signs of Fibroids

Fibroid Symptoms During Your Period

In addition to bleeding abnormalities, several warning signs may also suggest that you have fibroids. Women with fibroids may experience:

While there’s no one reason uterine fibroids cause heavy, prolonged periods, fibroids may put pressure against the uterine lining, which can cause more bleeding than usual.

Many women who have fibroids don’t have any symptoms. In those that do, symptoms can be influenced by the location, size, and number of fibroids. In women who have symptoms, the most common symptoms of uterine fibroids during your period include:

• • • • • • •

Pelvic pressure or pain that doesn’t go away Frequent urination Difficulty emptying the bladder Constipation Backache or leg pains Symptoms of anemia such as tiredness, fatigue, or shortness of breath Restricting daily activities due to heavy menstrual flow

• • • • • • •

Heavy menstrual bleeding or painful periods Prolonged periods lasting more than a week Frequent changes of sanitary products every hour Using double sanitary protection to control your menstrual flow Waking up to change sanitary protection during the night Passing blood clots larger than a quarter Spotting or bleeding between periods

Detection and Diagnosis To determine if your symptoms are due to uterine fibroids, your doctor will likely perform a pelvic exam or an ultrasound to check for irregularities in the size or shape of your uterus, which may indicate the presence of fibroids.

Pelvic exam

Ultrasound

Uterine fibroids are frequently found incidentally during a routine pelvic exam. Your doctor may feel irregularities in the shape of your uterus, suggesting the presence of fibroids. If you have symptoms of uterine fibroids, your doctor may order tests.

If confirmation is needed, your doctor may order an ultrasound. It uses sound waves to get a picture of your uterus to confirm the diagnosis and to map and measure fibroids. A doctor or technician moves the ultrasound device (transducer) over your abdomen (transabdominal) or places it inside your vagina (transvaginal) to get images of your uterus.

It’s best to be prepared when you visit your healthcare provider. Here are some questions to ask: • • • • • • • • •

How many fibroids do I have, and where are they located?

What is the size of the fibroids?

Can I expect the fibroid(s) to grow larger?

Am I anemic?

What tests or imaging do I need?

What medications are options for me, and are there side effects?

What treatment options do you think would be best given my diagnosis?

What fibroid surgery options do you specialize in?

Do you perform said treatment options frequently? If not, would you recommend someone?

Treatment Options There’s no single best approach to treat uterine fibroids and heavy menstrual bleeding—many treatment options exist. If you have symptoms, talk with your doctor about options for symptom relief.

Potential treatment options for heavy menstrual bleeding related to uterine fibroids include: • • • • • •

Birth control pills Hormone replacement therapy Oral medications, either hormonal or nonhormonal Surgical removal of the fibroids Hysterectomy Restricting daily activities due to heavy menstrual flow

Contributed by The Fibroid Foundation to raise awareness for Fibroid Awareness Month (July). Learn more @fibroidfoundation and www.fibroidfoundation.org.

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NAVIGATING AGING

15

WAYS

TO STAY HEALTHY AFTER 50

BY JOBI TYSON MEDICALLY REVIEWED BY DR. SIGAL KLIPSTEIN

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When you reach 50, you may feel healthy and young. However, your body needs extra care to protect it from the effects of aging.

With a healthy lifestyle and appropriate medical care, you can lower your risk for many serious medical conditions associated with aging. Start with these 15 suggestions that will help you to stay active and strong in your 50s and beyond.

Staying Physically Healthy After Age 50: 1. Protect your joints.

As you age, your joints become stiffer and more brittle. You can slow the process down by losing weight, staying hydrated, and choosing exercises that are safe for your body.

Staying Mentally Healthy After Age 50: 1. Fight depression.

Midlife crisis may be a myth, but

2. Check your eyes and ears.

menopause and other conditions can

Most adults experience age-related hearing loss and vision changes. If you’re over 50,

contribute to depression. In addition

experts recommend eye exams at least every two years and hearing tests at least every

to medication and talk therapy, regular

three years.

exercise may help you to feel more

3. Mind your feet.

You may think you’ve stopped growing, but your feet will probably become flatter and

positive.

2. Prevent dementia.

Many causes of dementia are

longer at midlife. Wearing correctly fitted shoes can help keep you comfortable and active.

unknown, but healthy choices, like

4. Schedule screenings.

quitting smoking, provide some

Your doctor can recommend the tests you need based on your individual and family history.

protection. One study found that

For adults over 50, that usually includes blood pressure, colorectal cancer, cholesterol, and

smoking more than 40 cigarettes a

blood sugar.

day in your 50s could double your risk for Alzheimer’s disease.

5. Deal with menopause.

The average age for menopause is 51. If hot flashes and other symptoms are disrupting your life, you may find relief through natural remedies, or your doctor may recommend

3. Manage stress.

Many adults develop less resilience as

treatments such as hormone therapy.

they age. You can boost your powers of recovery with physical exercise,

6. Build strength.

meditation, and relaxation practices.

If you’re inactive, you may have lost up to 5% of your muscle mass each decade since you were 30. Fortunately, you can build new muscle by lifting weights or doing other kinds of resistance training.

4. Connect with others.

Maybe you’re single and dealing with isolation. Stay engaged by

7. Work on balance.

keeping in touch with old friends and

Preventing falls is a major part of aging safely. Doing yoga or just standing on one foot

making new contacts who share your

while you make coffee can train you to stay steady on your feet.

8. Eat healthy.

Choose nutrient dense foods and avoid added sugar and excess salt. Try the Mediterranean

interests.

5. Keep learning.

diet or similar plans that have proven benefits for your heart and overall wellbeing.

9. Limit alcohol.

Alcohol affects you more as you grow older. If you do drink, keep it to one drink or less daily.

10. Lose weight.

More than 40% of adults over 40 are clinically obese. If you’re unable to reduce on your

Continuing your education can slow cognitive aging too. Take courses online or visit the adult education center at your local college. Travel and hobbies can also be enriching.

own, talk with your doctor about finding a safe strategy for you.

You may have many happy and rewarding years ahead of you if you take care of your body and mind. Celebrate midlife by making choices that help you to thrive.

Jobi Tyson (@jobityson), founder of Tutum Global, is a wellness practitioner certified in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and a sociocultural anthropologist focused on the impact of women’s reproductive health, female childlessness, and infertility trauma, based in the US. www.tutumglobal.com Dr. Sigal Klipstein (@inviafertility) is a clinician specializing in reproductive endocrinology and infertility at InVia Fertility Specialists in Chicago and completed her residency and fellowship at Harvard University. www.inviafertility.com www.tutumjournal.com

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Building Bridges

Meet Dr. April Brown:

REKINDLING YOUR SEX LIFE AFTER INFERTILITY

BY JOBI TYSON

As a Certified Relationship, Intimacy, and Sex Therapist, Dr. April Brown counsels couples at the most stressful times in their relationship. One of the most challenging? Rekindling their passion and sex life after years of grueling infertility.

Since 1997, Dr. April has been in the counseling field working in community centers, public schools, universities, and businesses, and now owns a thriving private practice in Southwest Florida where she specializes in intimacy, relationships, anxiety, depression, and self-esteem. With a master’s and a specialist degree in Counseling and Human Systems and a doctoral degree in Counseling Psychology, she’s an author and podcast host of Bringing Intimacy Back, where she and other intimacy experts provide resources and tips on increasing intimacy in all types of relationships.

Over the past twenty years, she has effectively empowered thousands of individuals and couples to embrace true intimacy in their lives. Dr. April’s mission is to increase intimacy for all, as she believes that Intimacy means “InTo-Me-You-See,” as the connection with self, spirit, and significant other.

Most of all, Dr. April believes in her motto “Quality counseling services that provide insight, motivation, empowerment, results, and action in a nonjudgmental environment.”

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Editor-in-Chief Jobi Tyson sat down with Dr. April to discuss her mission to help others in their search for improved connection and intimacy.

Q: What’s your advice to encourage women

to talk more about the effects of sex after infertility?

touch. Smell your person. What can you smell? What do you taste?

Yes, use spontaneity and be creative. Each week, you could role play as somebody different, or you can use different toys; whether it’s

A: My advice is to realize that sex and intimacy are important. If

handcuffs or blindfolds, there are a lot of different things that you

you feel like it’s been important previously to infertility issues, and

playground. So, if you keep it in your mind that hey, my partner and I

now that you’re at this stage here, it’s still important to you; there are

are just playing, that right there will help you create spontaneity.

resources out there to help. If you feel like sex is not important to you at all anymore and you just don’t want to deal with that anymore, that’s okay too. But, if you’re in a relationship, that’s something you need to talk with someone to address. Besides addressing it, talk about it and realize that there are ways to fix it. You cannot talk to everyone about

could use to make things creative. Intimacy and sex should be a

Q: How can a partner better approach and support their infertile partner that has a loss of sexual desire without coming across as insensitive?

it, so be careful who you talk to about it, but there is help out there. The

A: Instead of shouting, “You’re not giving me enough sex,” they

last part is do not feel like you cannot talk about sex, that it’s taboo,

can say, “Hey, honey, I miss being close to you, connecting with you.

and thinking it’s not supposed to be talked about, because it is.

I love you. I love your body and I just want to spend time with you

Q: Infertility not only takes a toll on a couple’s

sex life, but it also affects a woman’s feelings of inadequacy. How can a woman improve changes in sexual definitions of sense of self?

A: You need to be in love with yourself no matter what. So, you cannot

romantically.” However, outside of sex, you need to understand that your partner may be stressed or overwhelmed. So, another avenue of intimacy is also offering help. Ask your partner, “How can I make your life easier” and figure out ways to help your partner restore energy. Or sometimes if your partner is not wanting to have sex or that desire, it’s not because it’s a rejection of you. Maybe it’s something medically or from past trauma. The point is for you and your partner to stay

use that as a judgment of criteria of whether you love yourself and

connected and go through these talks and decisions together and not

whether you say good things about your body. If you’re judging your

to attack one another or judge one another. Go through it together,

body, thinking it’s not good enough, you gotta learn to be very positive to

even if that means being open to seeing a third party to talk about it.

your body. Also, spending some time relaxing really does help the body.

Next is getting to know your body. As women, many times, we’re not as knowledgeable of our bodies as men are. And also, it’s the mindset as it relates to intimacy. Think of sex and intimacy as just having fun so don’t look at it as it’s a chore or be so self-conscious. And let’s say you are on

Q: What advice do you have for couples who

may be reluctant to talk to a therapist about their sex life?

medication, and certain side effects are affecting you; make sure to talk

A: When you come to seek a therapist, I think it’s something that you and

to your doctors about it. The other part I would say, it’s really important

your partner need to do together. Next, is to research a variety of therapists

to ensure that your partner understands what’s going on with your body

to find out what appeals to you and if you connect with this therapist. As

from your perspective, and your doctor can definitely help in that process.

a therapist, we have to build trust. So, when you come to us, we have an

But, remember that not having a baby does not devalue you as a woman.

open atmosphere for you to say what you need to say in a confidential and

Q: Since infertility tends to take the spontaneity out of sex, how can a couple get back to enjoying sex and stay sexually connected?

A: Practice what we call mindfulness to help keep the spontaneity.

non-judgmental space. However, you feel like you have to identify with that therapist. We all come from a different theoretical framework, whereas some of us are more talkative than others. Some of us believe in different philosophies like cognitive behavior, which is work on the thought process.

Some therapists do more psychodrama, which is a very emotional base therapy. So, make sure to learn about these different therapies and find

Mindfulness means being in the present moment without judgment.

something that suits you in your belief system because as a therapist, in

So, if you’re having a sexual experience with your partner, and your

all honesty, we have to help a person according to their worldview, not our

mind wanders, bring it back to the present moment. Identify five

own worldview. So, you want to find a therapist that can align with what

things you can see on your person’s body. Four things you can

you feel is important and that you feel comfortable with.

Connect with Dr. April: Instagram: @dr.aprilb • Facebook: Dr. April T. Brown, Counseling Services • eBook, Improving Intimacy available on Amazon • www.draprilbrown.com

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8 STRATEGIES TO GET OUT OF A RUT Answering the following questions will help you along the path to implementing these eight strategies into your life.

1.

What am I passionate about? If I could have any career, what would it be? What gets me really excited?

5.

What am I grateful for? What could I be grateful for?

2.

What things could I eliminate from my life? What things do I own and what activities do I take part in that are getting in the way of me being able to focus on the things that are most important?

6.

What are some ways I could take time for myself?

How could I work it into my schedule?

3.

What are the negative things that I say to myself each day? What are positive things I could use in their place?

7.

What are my primary goals? What goal could I set that would make the greatest positive impact on my life?

4.

Do I tend to be pessimistic? How would my life improve if I had a more positive outlook?

8.

What are some simple, but meaningful, changes that I could make to my life and mental wellness?

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AFFIRMATION REFLECTIONS

MY T HOUGHTS CREAT E MY REALIT Y I have an abundance of choices regarding how I think and live.

I choose thoughts and actions that support my highest potential.

I believe that every thought has a consequence, and therefore I oversee my thoughts. I notice my thoughts and consciously decide whether to keep them or let them go.

I pay attention to my inner dialogue. If I hear negative self-talk, I stop the flow of thoughts and redirect them. I choose a new destination for my thoughts and focus my mind in a positive manner.

I am aware of the triggers that lead me to say things I may regret. I use my awareness to guide my decisions.

If my mind goes in an unwanted direction, I take notes and update my thought pattern. When stuck in this kind of thought loop, I do something different. I take action.

This may mean changing my environment, and I take a walk outside. I listen to music, play sports, write out my thoughts, or just find something else to do.

I practice observing my thoughts and choosing new ones. I avoid repeating destructive patterns over again. I am aware of my thoughts. I watch and choose carefully. I know how to replace them with thoughts that serve my higher self.

Today, I acknowledge that my thoughts are powerful tools. I use my thoughts to create a better reality for myself and others.

I use my thoughts wisely and intentionally.

Self-Reflection Questions: 1.

How can I learn to use my thoughts to improve my life?

2.

How can I be conscious of my thoughts to direct them as tools instead?

3.

Where can I direct my thoughts in ways that help me achieve my highest potential?

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A MONTHLY HUG IN A BOX

HELP US SEND CARE PACKAGES TO ELDER ORPHANS Together we can ensure our childless elders don't feel forgotten.

For more information, visit tutumglobal.com/care-packages or scan code