Tutum Journal | Issue 5 | Spring 2022 | For & By Childless Women

TUTUM spring 2022 • issue 5 • psyche

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A Dwelling Place For Childless Women In Every Season

The Woman Behind

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Women’s History Month

Healing After

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IVF

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Discovering Who You Are

Your Mental Health

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Without Children

Meditation To Improve

HerStory:

Childlessness Throughout the Centuries tutumjournal.com

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4 Ways To Live An Unconventional Life On Your Childless Path

CONTENTS

Mindfulness coach Sheri Johnson discusses how to walk courageously into uncertainty on your childless journey.

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Life coach Caroline Tanner reveals steps to emotional healing after failed IVF.

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Cover design by Jobi Tyson

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Healing After IVF

Born Without A Womb

MRKH advocate Charlie Bishop discusses womanhood and the psyche of being born without a womb.

TUTUM JOURNAL Spring 2022

Cover Story

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HerStory: Looking Back, Moving Forward

A deep dive of infertility and barren women throughout history and exploring the nature and beliefs of female childlessness from primeval history to connect the past with the present. By Jobi Tyson.

in every issue Page 4

CONTRIBUTORS Page 12

How Meditation Can Improve Your Emotional Health Meditation teacher Bindi Shah shares how meditation can create a space of calm, peace, and acceptance.

Page 14

The Dehumanisation of Miscarriage, Infertility & Childlessness Change-Enabler Tina Fiandaca delves into the stigma society places on miscarriage, infertility, childlessness and the healing process.

Page 26

Finding Your Plan B: Discovering Who You Are Without Children Activist and author Yvonne John reflects on her journey towards finding fulfilling life without children.

Page 36

Understanding Social Anxiety: Stop Critical Self-Talk Worksheet

Page 5

EDITOR’S LETTER Page 5

THE TUTUM SURVEY Readers reveal what they think about key subjects relevant to the childless community.

Page 16

GAME CHANGER Spotlighting the achievements of trailblazing childless/childfree women.

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MEDICAL AWAKENING Examines medical conditions and relevant information of interest to childless/childfree women

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NAVIGATING AGING

Helpful strategies to cope with anxiety and unhelpful thoughts.

Exploring topics, gaining new perspectives, advice, and relevant information associated with women aging without children.

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Page 32

Self-Care While Grieving Worksheet

BUILDING BRIDGES

Four questions to identify ways to take care of your mental and physical wellbeing while grieving.

A Q&A with industry experts that tackles wide-reaching issues that affect and strengthen the childless community.

VOLUME 2, NO. 1, ISSUE 5, Tutum Journal™ (ISSN 2766-9580)) is published quarterly by Tutum Global.

For more information about Tutum Journal, please visit us at www.tutumjournal.com, or email us at info@tutumjournal.com. www.tutumjournal.com

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FOUNDER & EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Jobi Tyson

EDITORIAL Charlie Bishop Anita Henderson Brandi Lytle

CONTRIBUTORS Simone Edwards Tina Fiandaca Yvonne John Sheri Johnson Bindi Shah Caroline Tanner

© 2022 Tutum Global. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in part, or in whole, without prior written permission, excepting brief quotations in connection with reviews written specifically for inclusion in magazines, newspapers, blogs, or limited excerpts strictly for personal use. Designed in the U.S.A. DISCLAIMER: Opinions expressed by the authors are not necessarily those of Tutum Global, disclaiming any liability to any party for the accuracy, completeness, efficacy, or availability of the material contained in this publication.

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EDITOR'S LETTER + FEEDBACK Happy Birthday Tutum Journal!

It’s hard to believe that Tutum Journal is only turning one, and it’s not an easy task to encapsulate what a year it has been! This past year has taught me so many lessons, and one that really stands out is just how important it is for us childless women to look after ourselves and own our voice.

One year ago, I was determined to create a magazine to explore the inner world of childless/childfree women, restore hope and help our community heal. And, as we begin our second year, I am so thrilled to bring you the First Anniversary Issue. In this ‘Psyche’ issue, we delve into human emotions, mental health, and wellness. I hope to inform, empower, and inspire you to live your best mental wellbeing yet.

Photo: JUSTIN BOWENS

From the very bottom of my heart, I thank you for being a dedicated reader. We could not celebrate one year of Tutum Journal without you. The best part is when I hear from you. I love it when you reach out and tell us how much you appreciate the work we are doing to put childless/childfree women first and make sure that the representations of us push beyond stereotypes to showcase our lives in full. For the past year, you’ve supported and celebrated with us the stories you’ve shared, the expertise you’ve provided, and the impact we’ve been able to make on our collective history and community, together. I am also incredibly grateful to the Tutum Journal editorial team, Brandi Lytle, Charlie Bishop, and Anita Henderson, who have lent their time to champion the childless community and work tirelessly to bring you this publication.

With gratitude,

Anniversaries rightly encourage us to take a backward glance. At the same time, I’m so very excited for the path forward as Tutum Journal continues to tell more of our stories and create more diverse and nuanced narratives.

Jobi Tyson, MBA

Together let’s toast our collective wellbeing—we’ve only just begun!

Instagram: @tutumjournal @childlesswomen Facebook: Facebook.com/childlesswomen YouTube: YouTube.com/childlesswomen

P.S. For our birthday, we’re asking you for a gift. Purchase an annual subscription of Tutum Journal and every single dollar will be channeled to further grow the magazine and wellness efforts.

TUTUM SURVEY

WHAT YOU TOLD US To carefully curate each issue’s theme to support and strengthen the mental well-being of involuntarily childless women, we took Instagram polls using question-wording: Does involuntary childlessness affect your emotional wellbeing?

94% Yes

6% No

Are you taking care of your mental health and wellbeing?

67% Yes

33% No

“You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” — Maya Angelou www.tutumjournal.com

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4

WAYS TO LIVE AN

UNCONVENTIONAL LIFE ON

YOUR CHILDLESS PATH

BY SHERI JOHNSON

I found myself on the trail alone. I was two hours in with very little water left and a phone that was almost dead. Loose stones beneath my boots were a constant tripping hazard. I hadn’t seen anyone else in at least an hour. Hot and exhausted, I was uncertain if I could make it to the top and thought about turning back multiple times. I chuckled as I recognized that I’ve had this feeling before. When I was 44, the fertility doctor told my husband and me, in a very matter-of-fact way, that the only way we’d have children of our own was by using a donor egg. The doubts and emotions that came with this “diagnosis” left us reeling for weeks until we finally came to a decision. We weren’t going to go through with it.

Instead, we’d learn to embrace our childless life.

But then... there it was. That feeling. The fear of being alone on the path. Navigating all the uncertainty and potential obstacles on my own.

When I started up the mountain that day, I was headed to a lookout point called the Living Room just above Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a well-travelled trail and I trudged upwards with everyone else. It only took about a half-hour to get there, and I wasn’t quite ready to turn around yet. I noticed another trail that looked like it was headed further up the mountain.

I remember standing at the foot of that trail for a few minutes, wondering if I should just go back down with everyone else. Be like everyone else. And why wasn’t anyone hiking this path anyway?

Taking the first few steps on an uncertain path alone is daunting. So many fearful thoughts clouded my mind.

How would I fit in with my mom-friends? What will I say and do when they talk about their children? What will they think of me? Will they judge me as selfish? As someone who doesn’t know true love?

When I compared the life that lay ahead of me with the life I thought they were all living – the life I thought I wanted – I began to feel very lonely, inadequate, and scared.

I revisited our decision to embrace our childless life multiple times. I wanted to turn back. I wanted to be like everyone else. If I had a baby, I’d be a whole woman. I would belong somewhere. I’d be worthy.

As time passed and it became too late for a baby, I began to realize that I could either spend the rest of my life comparing myself to and feeling less-than, lesser than the mothers around me, or I could learn to build my self-worth and the confidence to walk my path alone.

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Here are four ways to walk your childless path courageously: 1. Stop comparing your life to everyone else’s.

Put blinders on. Focus only on your own path—the one right in front of you. Do the things that make YOU feel good. Stop doing what society expects of you, or what you think others want for you and live the way YOU want to.

easy but it always results in a reward.

Practice saying “yes” or “no.” Start with something small first.

Celebrate the freedom it brings. This is how you build the courage to honour your boundaries when the big things come up.

me feel even more alone. But whenever I turn to focus on where

3. Stop venting. I was certainly triggered when I first started on my childless path as I know many women are.

I’m headed instead, my resolve to move forward returns.

But I soon learned that venting about what triggered me only kept

Whenever I stopped to look at what my mom-friends were doing, I was reminded that I might be missing out on something. It made

This process takes some recognition. You must begin to notice how you feel. What makes you feel good and what doesn’t?

me in my anger and frustration. And sometimes it was even fueled by others who shared similar stories.

Compile a list of what brings you peace, what brings you joy, and

Instead, allow yourself to identify the pain that you feel when

what lights you up. Also, notice what does the opposite. Start

someone “triggers” you. Lean into that pain. Identify it. Feel it.

making a conscious effort to do more of those things that bring on

Release it.

positive emotions.

Meditation can help with this. Our first reaction is to externalize our pain and blame others for hurting us. I know it can feel that way.

2. Create and maintain boundaries.

Once you decide what lights you up and what doesn’t, you need to draw boundaries and maintain them unapologetically. Say “no” to

But once you release and heal the wound, that same trigger will no longer bother you. Close your eyes and allow the pain to come to the surface. Breathe through it.

invitations and opportunities that you know you can’t show up for fully. Say “yes” when it feels right in your heart.

4. Look for opportunities to be grateful.

Maintaining boundaries requires courage. Saying “no” to a friend

Focusing on what you no longer have or what you thought your

can be difficult. You might worry that she’ll feel hurt or that it

path was going to look like keeps you in a place of negativity and

might result in confrontation. When you say “no” with kindness,

lack. Gratitude helps you to honour everything you do have. It is

compassion, and authority, it usually reaps respect. If it doesn’t,

life-affirming. It reminds you that you can find happiness even

ask yourself if that friendship is worth not being true to yourself.

when life is painful and messy.

Saying “yes” can be equally difficult. It can also require courage.

Get out a journal and make it a practice to write down the things

Your heart might be saying “yes” but your mind can take over and

you can appreciate from your day. Make sure you relive the feeling

doubts begin to creep in. Listening to your heart is not always

of gratitude or joy that came from the moment you experienced it.

Back on the trail, I looked back and compared myself to the others below me. I felt as though I was missing out. I was standing alone while they were together. I was triggered by that.

My heart told me to keep going up and my mind jumped in with doubts. It told me that I was tired and not strong enough. That it was safer to go back down before my phone died and I ran out of water.

But I kept going. I told myself that I could do it. I felt myself becoming stronger and more courageous with each step. I felt my inner sense of self-expanding. As I rounded the corner and came out of the bushes at the top, the view was spectacular.

Sheri Johnson (@awakening.worth) is the creator of the Women of Worth Membership and the Awakening Worth Podcast, based in Canada. www.sherijohnson.ca

www.tutumjournal.com

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Healing After IVF

BY CAROLINE TANNER

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TUTUM JOURNAL Spring 2022

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fter a string of failed in vitro fertilization (IVF) cycles, I know all too well the devastation of putting your everything into a cycle to only receive a big fat negative at the end of it. Now, as a Fertility Coach supporting other women on their journey to conception, I’m exposed to both the IVF success stories and the cycles that

do not result in a baby. For those who don’t get their happy ending from an IVF cycle, the priority should be to heal.

‘But I just want a baby.’ It is an overwhelming desire that, when consistently unmet, contributes to both trauma and poor decision making. The relentless pursuit to have a child leaves many women betraying their own needs. Childlessness not by choice over a protracted period of time, coupled with unsuccessful IVF cycles, can often lead to a consistent lack of sleep, poor diet, unhelpful coping mechanisms such as alcohol to ‘numb’ the pain, and fractured relationships.

Difficult emotions such as sadness, shame and guilt leave many women feeling unworthy, leading to an innate feeling of there being something ‘wrong’ with them and undeserving of love and care. This vicious cycle of pain and selfbetrayal can impair the chances of conception further, hence the importance of healing.

Time, although a social construction, metaphorically shackles women to the IVF hamster-wheel, leading them to believe that taking time out to grieve and heal from an unsuccessful cycle is a form of defeat and a ‘risk’ to future success: ‘my eggs are not getting any younger’ they proclaim. However, without time to heal, the body will remain in its hypervigilant, stressed state, completely unconducive to conception. Trauma can be energetically stored in the body, especially when we don’t support ourselves to heal from it. Trauma and unresolved pain sends our nervous system into fight or flight mode, making us feel unsafe in our own bodies. Even the mere thought of IVF can subconsciously feel like a threat to our existence.

Ultimately, healing isn't about trying to 'fix' what is wrong but about creating safety through regulation of the nervous system. When we feel internally safe, we can understand and process our emotions better and have the capacity to address any ‘stuck’ emotions, pain or trauma, including those from a difficult fertility journey and unsuccessful IVF cycles. The conscious releasing of past and current trauma and pain and creating an inner world that feels safe to us not only allows us to live a more abundant, free and joyous life but subsequently enhances the functioning of all our major organs, including our reproductive ones.

The first step in healing is the recognition you may be struggling. Keeping your unsuccessful IVF cycle a secret is often a huge burden to carry and can add to the feelings of shame and isolation. Share your story with a professional, trusted friend or family member. If sharing with a family member or friend it may be useful to set out some boundaries beforehand, such as not wanting advice or judgement and for the information to be kept private; however also try to let go of any expectations in terms of a response as people can sometimes struggle to say what we perceive as being the ‘right’ thing.

As humans we tend to embrace joyful, feel-good emotions but reject, compartmentalise or shame ourselves for difficult ones; however, every emotion serves a purpose. It’s okay to feel sad if your IVF cycle didn’t result in a baby and it’s also okay to feel angry, disappointed and let down. Simple things like journaling or mindfulness can support this process.

There are many resources and tools available to support healing. They can come in the form of therapists or even selfhelp tools found on the internet, such as guided meditations or journaling templates. Professional, impactful healing tools may take us through a journey of self-discovery and carefully expose our deepest shadow parts before supporting us to begin the process of loving and accepting every facet of ourselves, as well as promoting safety in our own bodies.

Of course, you can do the deep, integrated healing work but you may also just want to cry, scream, take some time off work, book a holiday or have a really good night out with your friends. Whatever it is that makes you feel good will help you to heal. And when we begin the process of healing, our bodies feel safer, calmer and more balanced.

Caroline Tanner (@avocado_fertility) is a life coach and the founder of Avocado Fertility, based in the UK. www.avocadofertility.com www.tutumjournal.com

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Born Without A

Womb

BY CHARLIE BISHOP

I was born with a rare congenital condition called Mayer-Rokitansky-KüsterHauser syndrome (MRKH), where you have no womb or vagina. It is really difficult to explain how a diagnosis of MRKH makes you feel. Being told that you don’t have a womb and will never have periods, often considered a rite of passage for all teenage girls, is difficult to compare to anything else that I have experienced.

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It took a while for it to hit me. For me to understand what this really meant to me.

To be honest, it all just feels so overwhelming at first. You go from being a “normal” teenager to feeling like you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. Those grown-up topics of having children or not suddenly flood into your mind.

Strangely, despite the diagnosis, I didn’t feel challenged by my identity. It didn’t change in principle how I felt about myself or if I was a woman; more that I felt like I was a freak. That somehow this strange thing had happened to me, and I was embarrassed by it.

I thought I was almost inferior of sorts. I was the same me but now different. Would people notice that and be negative, or would my smiley façade hiding the pain be sufficient?

I honestly had no reason to be embarrassed, yet it is so much easier to look back on that and tell myself and others that now. It is not so easy when you are living it at the time. There is something about how we, particularly as women, feel about our bodies and those more sensitive topics about reproduction and sex and now both of those things were being put into question.

Would I feel normal having sex and would I ever have children?

At 17, those topics are enormous to fathom, and suffice to say my mental health suffered but I don’t think I realized it at the time. Back 20 years ago when I was going through all that, mental health stigmas were worse than today so actually admitting and reaching out for help seemed like I was admitting defeat.

I feel that one of the most difficult elements of having MRKH, and I suspect similar conditions, is not so much the physiological side (albeit the impacts, depending on the variation can be more difficult to manage) but more the mental health and wellbeing side.

It is so easy to underestimate or brush it off, but I can proudly say looking back that I am pleased that I spoke up and went to see a therapist. Over the years I have seen a therapist at different stages of my journey because of different triggers or situations and needing support in different ways.

It is not a sign of weakness to have to go back more than once. It is not a process that necessarily “fixes” you but one that helps provide you the tools to get you through a particular time and place in your journey. Those tools may differ depending on where you are in your journey or what in particular you are struggling with at the time.

Don’t be afraid to reach out, whether it is peer support or professional support or through family and friends. A problem shared may not be a problem halved in the way the old saying goes but having the opportunity to chat with someone else about something you are struggling with can make all the difference in how you are able to deal with it.

You are not alone.

Charlie Bishop (@charlieabishop / @mrkhconnect) is part of the Tutum Journal editorial team, the Director of UK-based charity MRKH Connect and an MRKH advocate, based in Norway. www.mrkhconnect.org

www.tutumjournal.com

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HOW

MEDITATION CAN IMPROVE YOUR

EMOTIONAL HEALTH

BY BINDI SHAH

W

hen I first started meditating on a deeper level in my Ayurveda and Yoga studies of 2002, I had no idea that years later, this healing form would help me in my deepest grief, and I would go on to support others in their deep grief moments too.

I went to India to study Ayurveda – a traditional health system of India, which included studying yoga and meditation. It was an amazing and hugely challenging year where I learned a lot about life and myself. Upon returning to London, I continued to meditate every day and set up a well-being business in Ayurveda, Yoga and Meditation. These were the days when I still had hope of finding a partner and becoming a mother. I found peace and calm with meditation, even while living in a busy city. It gave me a path to my inner self, and I enjoyed the insights I received. Meditation quietens the busy, chatty mind with a focus on the breath or a theme; it allows you to move to your innermost space for reflection and to gain insights.

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One of my hopes of finding a partner came about and we moved to a seaside town in England. This move brought in a new level of awareness. Away from the bustle of the big city, I found natural peace by the sea. I didn’t have to hunt for it within my meditation anymore; I had more of it naturally.

Another revelation and I loved it. I continued to meditate through this time and found that my meditations were deeper. I was finding deep strength inside of me, resilience, emotional wellbeing. I could let things go. I was moving through life with ease. I was also teaching meditation classes and found that my students were able to go deeper with my gentle guidance, just as I was.

It was a beautiful time of awareness.

meditation and the thought of going to a guided class terrified me.

The questions around the childlessness, the potential judgment, and well-meaning comments—I wasn’t ready to open myself up to all of that. So, I took my gentle, small steps back into my self-guiding. At that point, I had 13 years of experience teaching meditation, so surely I could teach myself. It worked and it was gentler than other classes I had taught. It was truly small steps.

This then started to become my mantra, which I repeated often – Be Gentle. I allowed my emotional health to grow again. Yes, I did have the resilience and strength from my previous meditation practice. I simply had to let it develop again. I grew my ability to cope with this new stage of grief. I allowed an acceptance of myself as a childless not by choice woman in. I let myself grieve the loss of a life I thought I would have, and I gently found small moments of joy. It was not simple or easy, but it was intentional.

I knew that this healing tool of meditation could help and support me if I was open to it and allowed it to work. Small steps taken every day would gently bring me to a purpose for living. At that time, I didn’t have a bigger purpose; I was simply meditating to get through the day.

Meditation led to me writing poetry more. With the inward nature of meditation, it is usual for insights to come through after a meditation session. I would meditate and then write and write and write. Some of these musings became poetry, which I later self-published. I was starting to thrive by this stage and finding moments of purposeful living. There is no magic wand, of course.

There are days where I am triggered and find myself in a dark moment, but now it is quicker for me to emerge from that place.

During World Childless Week in 2020, the founder asked if I could teach a meditation class specifically for the childless not by choice.

It was the first time I had thought of that. But of course, this would be perfect for women like me, and the classes were born. I tailor the class themes for childless not by choice; themes which support our growth but are also full of self-care. ‘Be Gentle’ is our Then came the realisation that I hadn’t gotten pregnant yet. Then

collective mantra now. It is a safe, online space where there are no

came the difficulties with my menstrual cycle. Then came the tests.

triggers. I take the time to have individual conversations to lessen

Then (much later) came the diagnosis of adenomyosis. “But you

the uncertainty of starting a class. It is a kind space, where people

should be ok with your fertility”, the doctor said. How wrong he was.

understand the journey of being childless not by choice. There is no

There were some dark, dark nights. When I knew I wasn’t going to

judgment, you come as you are and hopefully you leave lighter.

have children, I was shell-shocked. Then came the anger and the

Emotional well-being is essential to navigate these waters after

immense sadness. When my darkest days hit, I realised that I had

you know that motherhood won’t be there for you. There will be

something I could use to help me. My meditation! I had continued

times when life is challenging and times when you can find joy.

to meditate during most of that time, but with the anger and

I hope that you also find meditation is a way for you to get to a

shock it had become more difficult for me to self-guide my

space of calm, peace and acceptance.

Bindi Shah (@letterstomysoul) is a writer and meditation teacher who specialises in guiding meditation classes for the childless not by choice community, based in the UK. www.bindishah.com

www.tutumjournal.com

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THE DEHUMANISATION OF

MISCARRIAGE, INFERTILITY & CHILDLESSNESS

BY TINA FIANDACA

I was someone who thought their purpose in life was to become a mother.

I love kids. I even chose to do my school work experience in a nursery.

So, when I sit here, aged 52, without children of my own, there are times I feel my heart physically hurt.

It’s not until recently, after embarking on a psychotherapy and

scan properly, did not realise it was ectopic (when a fertilised egg

counselling course, that I have begun to become more self-aware

implants itself outside of the womb). An evacuation of retained

of the emotional impact of shame and grief.

products of conception (ERPC) procedure led to a medical

In the case of my infertility journey, by the time my husband

emergency, followed by a blood transfusion and a second surgery.

and I decided to try for children, I was in my late thirties. While

The procedure's name tells you everything you need to know

my husband was a little ambivalent about having children, he

about how clinical and dehumanising the experience was.

understood how important they were for me, and once we both

After further examination, our fertility doctor advised that we go

agreed to start trying, we did everything we could to ensure that

straight to IVF because there was no time to waste due to the

we did not lose any time.

quality of my eggs.

I became pregnant naturally once and twice through in vitro

In a heteronormative society where natural conception is

fertilisation, or IVF. All three pregnancies resulted in losses, each

considered the norm, the clinical approach to becoming pregnant

one alongside other traumatic events.

could not be further from the romanticised notion I had always

The first pregnancy loss was misdiagnosed. The medical team

harboured. White gowns, bright lights, and terrifying instruments

found the pregnancy to be non-viable and, unable to see the

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used in the most intimate places is not how I imagined it.

When asked if I wanted my husband with me during the embryo transfer, like it was some kind of loving exchange, I could not have thought of anything worse – this was not a heartfelt moment to savour. It was a moment to get over with.

husband quietly posted it without my knowledge.

No one tells you about the continuous micro-aggressions you have to deal with day in and day out. Recently, at a wedding, an insensitive couple asked my husband and me whether we have

The first round of IVF was successful; however, sadly, the

children. When we responded that we did not, they continued to

pregnancy was again diagnosed as non-viable and happened

tell us how lucky we are.

simultaneously with the news that my husband's brother had weeks to live.

I do not consider myself lucky in any way. As much as I do not consider the happiness I feel now as luck either. In fact, it's hard

The second attempt of IVF and the third loss occurred around the

emotional work and, as a result, has taken me years to reorganise

time my mother’s terminal breast cancer was worsening.

my life.

The second attempt would be my final, and even though I had

Sadly, the stigma society places on miscarriage, infertility, and

frozen embryos awaiting for at least two more rounds, the events

childlessness creates shame, meaning that so many people go

took their toll. Emotionally and physically exhausted, I decided to

through these experiences alone without openly talking about

stop treatment.

them. The narrative seems to be that the life of any female

With each pregnancy failure, I put more blame upon myself. I felt

without children is sub-standard. You only have to look at how

detached from the body that had failed me like I was in some way

childless women are portrayed and demonised in films to

broken.

understand where that comes from.

The thing is, unlike motherhood, no one prepares you for what

Recently, I read somewhere that a senator in Texas questioned

comes next with infertility leading to childlessness – the feelings

whether people without children should continue to have a vote.

of hopelessness, the loss of purpose, the shame.

This view was then seriously debated by a news channel.

I was unprepared for the pain I felt when friends revealed their

Writing this makes me feel angry and I'm here to say that my life

pregnancy, my feelings being very mixed and confusing. I was so happy for them yet so sad for me—worried that my friendships would change. Which by the way they do, not necessarily in a bad way, they just become different.

Every Mother's Day, I brace myself, not only because I no longer have my mum but also because I know I will never become one.

The heartache I feel every time I see a social media post by someone who fell pregnant around the same time as me is palpable. When I see their child, I'm reminded of how old ours would be. I wonder if they would have my eyes, or my husband’s, and what the future would hold for them.

No one prepares you for the letter you receive every year, reminding you that your embryos in storage are awaiting the next round of IVF. I kept mine for years, knowing I would never use them yet unable to destroy them. It felt like I was destroying our children's future. The finality of posting the envelope filled me with dread. Once we agreed to no longer keep them, thankfully, my

is no less worthy than someone who has children and my time no less valuable. I care deeply for society and the future of the world.

I lead a very child-full life with nieces, nephews, and godchildren I love and adore, and I am truly thankful to all my friends who have made us feel a part of their family.

Over time, the things that helped me were engaging with networks and hearing stories from other people like myself. Recently, I made a conscious decision to be more open about my experience, and even writing this is all part of the healing process.

I now feel grateful for the freedom I have to do anything I want. I am finding purpose in other ways, and I have recently trained as a Childline counsellor. In some way, this gives me an identity with children outside of motherhood.

When my friends become grandmothers, I know I will experience a sense of loss all over again. Sadly, the grief will always be with me, but I do feel that I will be better prepared for what is to come this time around.

Tina Fiandaca (@tinafiandaca) is a Change-Enabler who creates healthy cultures, specifically around mental health, based in the UK. www.weareutopia.co

www.tutumjournal.com

15

GAME CHANGER

Photo: MAX WILLIAMS

Empowered

Childlessness

BY BRANDI LYTLE

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Helen Deborah Segal became childless not by choice after two failed IVF treatments. “After giving up on trying to have children, I found myself in a deep depression, struggling to accept what I needed to do in order to heal and move forward,” says Helen.

In addition to that, she became so stressed that it was extremely difficult to communicate how overwhelmed and ashamed she felt. Because of this, she was passionate about finding a way to express grief through “freedom and flow,” without shame or guilt.

Photo: RENEE RODRIGUEZ

As Helen continued to consider the needs of the childless community, specifically health and well-being, she felt that others were talking about pain and grief; however, they were not discussing solutions. She had an intense desire to speak candidly about women’s health issues (such as menopause), relationship concerns, and healing in all its forms—be that through meditation, creativity, plan B, etc. So, Empowered Childlessness commenced in 2019.

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Photo: RENEE RODRIGUEZ

When we start to own, express, and release our grief, we start to feel joy, feel freer, and become honest with ourselves.

Through Empowered Childlessness, Helen had a new platform in which to allow others to express their grief creatively, helping them along the healing journey. She started to utilize Cosmic Smash Booking, which is a combination of Intentional Creativity and Creative Journaling. In other words, it is a method of recording and processing thoughts and feelings through creativity—drawing, painting, collage, and writing. “It is a wonderful way of working through grief gently and with much kindness, allowing one to explore and process loss,” says Helen.

As Empowered Childlessness grew, she decided to reinvent Grieve with Gusto as an online program. In July 2021, Grieve with Gusto was launched as a 12-lesson online program that allows participants to work through activities at their own pace, connecting with Helen every two weeks for question-and-answer sessions. She believes that the online format is powerful because, sometimes, participants need a bit of time to pass before starting a new lesson so that they can fully explore their emotions. With the online format, Helen states, “People can go at their own pace, knowing that all the resources are at their fingertips.” Also, the online format allows people from around the world to participate in the program. Consistently striving to improve her support for the childless community, she does note one weakness—there is no space for counseling, coaching, and/or deep exploration of artwork with this setup, which led to the launch of Grieve with Gusto Live on March 2022.

Grieve with Gusto Live is not a face-to-face workshop like Helen previously conducted. “Going LIVE means – Live Connection,” says Helen. With this program, a limited number of participants will be accepted into a 15-week program. The small group will meet online weekly, allowing participants to make connections. Helen believes these connections are vital to healing because childless grief is disenfranchised grief. Since childless grief is often not recognized by society, those suffering may shut down the grieving process, minimizing and disowning how they feel. “When we start to own, express, and release our grief, we start to feel joy, feel freer, and become honest with ourselves,” she says. She hopes that Grieve with Gusto Live will help participants feel safe and listen to their own way—their own flow—being true to themselves and allowing their needs to be heard, seen, witnessed, and validated.

She speaks poetically of the importance of using creativity to help process grief, stating “art is a gentle way to communicate [when] we don’t have the words.” Overall, Helen’s goal is to help people embrace their childlessness, to feel stronger, empowered, happier, and free.

For more information about Helen and Empowered Childlessness, follow @empoweredchildlessness1 and visit www.empoweredchildlessness.com.

Brandi Lytle (@notsomommy) is part of the Tutum Journal editorial team, Founder of Not So Mommy… and creator of the olive green Childless Not By Choice Awareness Ribbon, based in the U.S. www.notsomommy.com www.tutumjournal.com

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Cover Story

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HerStory: Looking Back, Moving Forward

BY JOBI TYSON

INFERTILITY — Tracing the History of A Transformative Term Humans are historical creatures, and the ability to place our own experiences in historical perspective could help more than you know – in particular, destigmatizing childlessness.

In this deep dive, we’ll explore the historical context of infertile women, the evolution of infertility, religious and societal taboos, and cultural consequences.

Historically, the stigma of barren women has been demeaning, so I thought it was important to trace the origin of infertile women, and then break down its correlation with today’s world. I found that so much of our history explains so much of our presence and discovering every element of that history has become my passion. You may be surprised to learn that these answers stem from the first years of the world's existence — 35 centuries, to be exact.

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A look back over 35 centuries, from our ancient and heavily documented past to modern day to trace the history of female infertility.

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1450 BC to 1400 BC Law stated to be given to Moses by God stating that if the nation were to be obedient there would not be any childless couples, or even animals, among the people. Though, barrenness – and this is important to remember—was not inherently a sign of punishment upon an individual.

1500 to 1600 Childless women suffered because motherhood was perceived as the most important marker of femininity.

1700s Infertility was beginning to be better understood in these centuries. However, the infertile woman was still seen as "broken" even as medical understanding crept forward.

1800s Infertility was thought to be "a mechanical problem" caused by "disorders of the reproductive system."

But women were still meant to be delicate, fragile beings who couldn't even exercise for fear of doing themselves and their wombs some damage: assuming it could loosen the uterus and disable them from bringing children forth.

TUTUM JOURNAL Spring 2022

19th Century Many doctors linked childlessness to abortion, venereal disease, or promiscuity, and in some countries, barren women lost their standing in society.

20th Century There was much debate over artificial insemination by donor sperm and In vitro fertilization (IVF). The arrival of IVF brought infertility as an issue into the public domain which falsely led people to believe that it was a modern problem that could be solved.

21st Century Little by little, the veil of taboo is lifting, encouraging more honest discussions about infertility, its causes, its diagnoses, and its treatments.

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How Far We’ve Come Firstly, I wanted to find the origin of when and why shame was cast on barren women and women struggling with infertility. So, my research spans around 1450 BC to 1400 BC, perhaps 3,400 years ago or so. The first historical document that scholars believe was the first written book is none other than the book of Genesis in the Bible. I chose the first eleven chapters of Genesis as a reference since it narrates the primeval history of the world, told as the story of the first years of the world’s existence. Although the Bible covers only a tiny piece of a vast history, I thought it was important to begin my research on religion’s impact on barren women since religious taboos still impact involuntary childless women today. Believe it or not, I didn’t get past the first chapter before reading, “Be fruitful and multiply,” meaning the more children, the more fruitful. So, right off the bat, this made an assertion about social exclusion of barren women due to their inability to procreate.

As a feminist, I must note that in the Bible, I observed that attention was only drawn to the women who were considered barren, never the men. So, what this does is makes infertility a woman’s issue and paints a stark picture of childless women, resulting in emotional and social struggles. I found many examples of barren women in the Bible, and also found that barrenness — and this is important to remember — was not inherently a sign of punishment upon an individual. However, given the ancient cultural setting and according to the charge of Genesis, it’s understandable how religious taboos can perpetuate stigmas and myths on childless women.

After decades of feeling inadequate as a barren woman from my religion, society, and culture, and after delving into this research, I would argue that the ancient historical treatment of infertility was that it was a topic unknown to them, as the Bible was full of stories with people in the ancient world generally speaking of fertility in agricultural terms, with conceiving of reproduction as the male planting a seed into the fertile field of the female. So, although infertility is frequently addressed in ancient history, the womb remained a place of immense mystery, which means the scientific details were not determined. So, since the beginning of time, 6th and 5th centuries BC to be exact, there has been a huge “curse” as you will, attached to female childlessness, rooted from the perceived stigma which leads to internalized shame, all due to lack of knowledge and humanity.

The 1700s to Present Infertility in the olden times was considered to be a divine predicament rather than a medical condition. By the 1700s, infertility was beginning to be better understood. However, the infertile woman was still seen as "broken" even as medical understanding crept forward. Before they could begin to isolate the possible underlying issues of infertility, they first needed to understand fertility.

It was well into the 1800s before researchers uncovered the basic scientific details of human conception. In the 19th century, infertility was thought to be "a mechanical problem" caused by "disorders of the reproductive system." But women were still meant to be delicate, fragile beings who couldn't even exercise for fear of doing themselves and their wombs some damage— assuming it could loosen the uterus, rendering them unable to bring forth children.

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TUTUM JOURNAL Spring 2022

It was only at the turn of the 19th century, as science began to gain prominence, that doctors started exploring the possibility of scientific intervention in matters of infertility. In 19th-century France, many doctors linked childlessness to abortion, venereal disease, or promiscuity, and in some African countries, barren women lost their standing in society. Nevertheless, centuries later motherhood still weighs heaviest in society’s definition of womanhood, and women continue to bear the brunt of the blame for fertility problems. In some circumstances, women are stigmatized for seeking help, since by the mid-20th century there was much debate over artificial insemination by donor sperm and in vitro fertilization (or IVF). The arrival of IVF brought infertility as an issue into the public domain which falsely led people to believe that it was a modern problem that could be solved. With stigma comes a lack of understanding, which can be invalidating and painful.

Breaking the Stigma Since the beginning of time, women around the world have dealt with this issue. Then why is there such a stigma behind infertility and female childlessness, and how can we break this stigma and begin to cope?

Despite this historical evidence, many people persist in thinking about involuntary childlessness as a choice. With that being said, each of us has a biased world view because we can only see through the lens of our own perspective. We can only see what comes before us, we can only hear what is around us, and we can only read what stands in front of us. As involuntary childless women, we hold the definitive version of our reality, so it’s up to us to change the narrative on female childlessness by owning our voice.

As an involuntary childless woman, it can be daunting and rewarding to look back from our ancient and heavily documented history to the modern day to find a place where childless women feel visible. The long history of female childlessness can help us to debunk myths, share our stories, and draw on the vast human experience of childlessness. I know that the issue of barrenness cuts deep and hits home for many women, and stigmas affect how involuntary childless women see themselves. As a childless woman, I can attest that you may not ever be completely content with the lack of bearing a child. But childlessness is now just a part of who I am and not all encompassing. Your life is yours, and just because you are childless does not mean that there’s not a fully realized life beyond childlessness. So, be good to yourself. Don’t suffer in silence, because you can also cast a negative stigma on female childlessness and infertility, simply by not discussing it.

Barrenness—in any area of life—allows you space to challenge yourself to uncover new possibilities, to seek new adventures and discoveries that will enrich your understanding of the world and your place in it. There is truth in your pain, and emotional or even intangible pain is not something that should be hidden because, most importantly, there is growth in your pain. So, don’t allow anyone (including yourself) to rob you of the fullness for which you were created. Because life is what you make it.

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FINDING YOUR DISCOVERING WHO

PLAN B:

YOU ARE WITHOUT CHILDREN

BY YVONNE JOHN

I wrote this letter to my unborn child back in 2015.

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Growing up, there were clubs that I wanted to join. At school

that mine was going to be about ‘finding my voice’ as I felt that no

the netball club, at college the popular kid’s club, and at Uni the

one wanted to hear what I had to say. I remember thinking that our

Afro-Caribbean society. I was successful at joining most clubs

sadness around not having children wasn’t being heard. The more

but there was one club that eluded me—motherhood.

I realised that we weren’t being heard the more I wanted to give us

It is estimated that 1 in 5 women in the UK between the ages of

a voice. I wanted our “worlds” outside of that room to know what

45 and 49 are childless by circumstance. Like many, the reality of life without children is one that I never expected to face.

As ambivalent as I was, I never imagined that I wouldn’t be a mum. This was the start of the painful realisation that I wanted something with my (then) husband that I was never going to have. Growing up, I constantly heard “wait until you have children of your own” so I just expected that I probably would get married and have kids. No one told me that this might not happen.

In October 2014, at 43, after three years of trying to naturally conceive and a year of fertility investigations, I was told that I had ‘unexplained infertility.’ Who knew that two words could change the course of my life? I knew in my heart that I wouldn’t become a mum. Suddenly, years of hoping for a baby were taken away, gone forever. A wave of sadness engulfed me. Those two words left me confused; there were no answers, no closure, no justification. It didn't take long for shame to join the sadness. The shame of the two terminations in my twenties that led me to blame myself for

it was like being childless in a world where the only way to be seen as a woman is to have pushed a human being out from between your legs. I wanted to put everyone straight, so I jumped up, or maybe forces beyond my control pushed me, and shouted “I am going to write a book about this.” Everyone cheered. “What the hell am I doing? I don’t know how to write a book…” stayed in my head, along with the apprehensive smile on my face, for the remainder of that day and the months that followed.

After doing my grief work, which included writing a letter to my younger self forgiving her for her past decisions and writing a letter to my unborn children, I was able to embrace the feeling of shame and reframe what it meant to me. It was the first time I felt allowed to forgive myself. It was the first time that I started to own my story, my truth, and embrace who I am. I found a place of forgiveness and understanding. I found my peace, and the mentorship programme helped to normalise my thoughts and feelings and gave me back my sanity.

not being able to conceive with my husband, it had to have been

Dreaming of a Life Unlived is my baby conceived among my sister

my fault. No words could describe what I was going through;

participants of the mentorship programme. We came together

I didn’t understand it let alone have the ability to tell others. All

to learn how to grieve and find ways of being creative in our lives

I knew was that I didn’t deserve to grieve. I found it difficult to

without children. The idea for my book was nurtured and fed with

hear the words “I’m pregnant.” I couldn’t watch young families

compassion and understanding, and it gave birth to a collection

meeting up for a day out without wanting to cry. I couldn’t watch

of stories representing women standing strong on our journeys

my god-daughter in her first school play without my heart aching

towards finding our own Plan B and a fulfilling life without children.

and I couldn’t listen to my father tell me stories about what his

This truly empowered me. Where I used to hold my head in

granddaughter had got up to. In those moments I saw all the stuff

shame, I now stand strong and give a voice to women in a similar

that I would never get to experience, along with the memories that

situation. Owning my story gave me a platform to give other

I’d never get to create, and it BROKE my heart! I have experienced

women the permission to speak out and say, “Yes this is me too.”

loss and grief, but this was different; it was unexpected,

On International Women’s Day in 2016 I stood on a public stage

unexplained, it felt undeserved and yet ‘not allowed’ because, let’s face it, how can you grieve the loss of something that you never had? At that time, I was silenced by my shame. In my head, everyone would tell me that I didn’t deserve to be a mother.

for the first time and told the world that I was childless. I allowed myself to be vulnerable and it was the beginning of me shamelessly owning my story, especially in front of my family. WERE YOU CRAZY? I can hear you shouting as you read this. We all carry

In May 2015, I sat in a room with 13 women initiated by Gateway

baggage, whether it’s the size of a handbag that you can carry onto

Women—an organization supporting women who are childless

a plane or a trunk load of stuff that needs to be checked into the

by circumstance—for a year-long Plan B mentorship programme

hold. For me, this was time to put my suitcase down, open it up, and

listening to them talking about how a friend, a family member, or

start to unpack the stuff that I believed others would judge me for.

a colleague would offer them useless advice in an attempt to ‘fix’

Grief has a wonderful way of making you face your crap. During this

the social inadequacy being childless seems to conjure up. We felt

time, I wrote a letter of forgiveness to my younger self telling her

dismissed and unheard. Our pain wasn't warranted because we

that she didn’t make mistakes—she made choices out of love for

could, in their minds, do something about it. On this particular day,

her unborn children. This was incredibly empowering. Finally, I could

we had been exploring what our Plan B could look like. I decided

love myself and tell my story when and however I chose to.

Yvonne John (@y.vonnej) is the author of Dreaming of a Life Unlived, a blogger and activist for the childless WoC, based in the UK www.findingmyplanb.com www.tutumjournal.com

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MEDICAL AWAKENING

ENDOMETRIOSIS AND ITS IMPACT

on My Mental Health

BY SIMONE EDWARDS

I

knew it was time to hang up my basketball shoes professionally even though it was involuntary. My days of playing in the WNBA and overseas were cut short because my knees were older than my mother’s.

After three surgeries on my knee, my ligaments were worn down and arthritis had set in. This was difficult to accept, but when I had to warm up before my team warm-ups in the WNBA, I knew it was time to walk away.

Photo: STEVE STROTHER

My period would come each month for three to five days, nothing heavy or very painful. I hated it but was thankful it wasn't as awful as my friends’ periods. I only had to take two painkillers and felt no discomfort. I considered myself lucky until after I retired from playing professional basketball. It was as if my body started changing. I get that I wasn't training as hard or traveling as frequently. I was now transitioning from pro athlete to looking for a 9 to 5. This new phase was very difficult, as I had no experience in anything other than basketball and everyone required work experience.

I had no desire to become a basketball coach, but it was the only job I could relate to. Working in an office would have been difficult. I needed to be moving around or be traveling. I felt disconnected from the so-called 'real world.' There were no more fans shouting my name from the stands and no more just practicing for hours. I didn't feel like the Jamaican Hurricane anymore. Who was I now? I was starting over at 33 years old.

“I got a coaching job in Virginia, and it was okay. I was back on the basketball court but this time I didn't have to score a single point or get a rebound. I was still feeling fine overall despite my knees. But, one day my period came and it was painful. My periods were never painful, just a bit uncomfortable. I blamed it on normalcy.”

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Almost all of my female friends had painful periods, even my mother. No one told me this wasn't normal. After a few months, I just couldn't take the pain anymore when my period came. I knew something was wrong, so I went to see a gynecologist. Immediately after talking to me and testing me, he told me I had endometriosis, a disorder in which tissue that normally lines the uterus grows outside the uterus. From the first day I learned about endometriosis my life changed. It was way more mental than physical despite the effect it had on my body. As an athlete, I was used to having an injury and then fixing it—like the multiple surgeries on my knees.

And although I wasn’t thinking about having a child, I wanted the option. The doctor told me I needed surgery and I was immediately okay with it. I was referred to a female surgeon who was very helpful. She explained to me that she would go in and see what was going on. I woke up from the surgery in a bit of discomfort. I was too drugged to feel any pain, only my dry throat. Soon I was told I had staples and that I went into code blue because I was bleeding so much. My surgeon then told me that she had to take one ovary but left the other. She then wanted me to know that the other ovary also had endometriosis on it but because I was still young, she left it since I was still in my childbearing years.

I didn't want to deal with that discomfort anymore. I was prescribed birth control to offset the period pain, which I never thought I would ever take in my life. I felt a bit angry that I lost a reproductive organ, and felt endometriosis destroyed my womanhood. I am a tomboy but embrace my femininity. The birth control made me emotionally numb. My whole personality changed. My hormones were all over the place but no one told me it was the birth control. Plus, I didn’t realize that my body was also undergoing a hormonal imbalance from my missing organ. I was hurting inside and didn't share it with anyone. I just become antisocial and a bit mean. I somehow liked the numbness because no one could hurt me. This darn endometriosis was destroying my life coupled with the hormonal contraceptive. I didn't laugh like I used to. I was less patient with people, especially those who were trying to hurt me.

I had days when I was laughing and days when I didn't want to talk or see anyone. Most days I just wanted to be hugged and feel loved. I was fighting a battle inside. I was keeping so much in because I never trusted anyone enough to share what I was feeling inside.

just taken away. I was tired but had to work long hours to pay my bills. I wanted to have surgery but just couldn't afford to. I hated endometriosis and that wasn't good for my soul.

When the pandemic started, I took the time to heal from my inner pain. I hated the person I had become but I needed that person to survive all that life was throwing at me. I didn't need to be that person anymore. I missed my laughter. I embraced my struggles and found ways to uplift and build myself. I felt like a load had been lifted off me. I surrounded myself with people who lifted me up and made me laugh. I was finally able to get my other ovary removed, so I no longer need birth control. I wish I had listened more to my body years before and demanded that they removed both ovaries. Perhaps I wouldn't have ovarian cancer now.

About 10 years later I had some complications with my stomach.

I couldn't digest certain foods and it was very painful. I had to have surgery and it turned out it was because of endometriosis.

The doctor told me it was now stage 4. I didn't even know it had stages. He said it had spread and affected my intestines. I felt the anger rush through me like it did with my first surgery to remove my ovary. Now it became physical. I don't like hospitals and I was going to fall even deeper into debt.

It was a successful surgery and I felt much better after. I had no more pain, but I knew it was still there and would probably cause more problems later. I needed a full hysterectomy. I felt like I couldn't afford to take time off to recover from it because I was rebuilding after losing nearly everything when the market crashed. This really affected me. I resented my life and felt as if I was all alone. I worked so hard, and it was

However, the only reason I have moved past this is because one day I got up and decided I would not give in to my negative thoughts and experiences. I changed my mindset, started being more positive, watched what I ate, and laughed more. My current circumstances don’t dictate my future or inner peace.

Simone Edwards (@jamhurricane) dubbed the Jamaican Hurricane is a WNBA Champion, founder of Simone4Children, and author of Unstoppable: A Memoir of Adversity, Perseverance and Triumph, based in the US. www.jamaicanhurricane.com

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NAVIGATING AGING

13

HEALING

THINGS

TO DO

WHEN A FRIENDSHIP ENDS

BY JOBI TYSON

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When a romantic relationship breaks up, you can expect lots of sympathy from your family and friends. However, they may not even notice when a friendship ends. Even though friendships are essential to our wellbeing, we often fail to give them the attention they deserve.

That’s especially difficult when you start drifting away from an old friend. If you’re upset or saddened because a friendship is over, study these tips for dealing with your feelings and moving on.

Gaining Insights: •

Embrace change.

Taking Action: •

Most friendships naturally bloom and fade

Let your family and friends know when you’re going through a difficult

as you move from one stage of life to the

time. Tell them how they can help you, whether you need someone to

next. Recognize the milestones in your life

listen to you or just remind you that they care.

like graduating college and getting married.

Celebrate your progress even when it means

•

volunteer at an animal shelter. Sign up for an adult education course or

Spot your patterns.

buy a membership at a local fitness studio.

Be honest about your role in how your relationships end. Maybe you’ll want to

•

and leave you vulnerable. Use this time to expand your personal and

Acknowledge conflict.

professional networks.

Ending a relationship is sometimes a wise choice, but sometimes we lose valuable

•

Avoid drowning your sorrows in junk food and long naps. Stick to a

address sensitive issues. Learning to resolve

healthy diet and regular exercise.

friendship or be better prepared for your

•

of a former friend. Box them up and put them away in a closet or spare

Cherish your memories.

bedroom. You can bring them back out when you’re feeling more stable.

You can remember the happy times even if you stop hanging out together. Hold on to

•

Write a letter.

Putting your thoughts down on paper can be a safe and effective way

those funny stories and favorite photos.

to face what has happened and let go of the past. Focus on what you

Think objectively.

can learn from the experience rather than making accusations. You’ll

Maybe you’re taking things too personally.

usually accomplish more by keeping the letter to yourself instead of

When you see the friendship more clearly,

mailing it.

you may realize that you have done nothing that you need to regret.

•

Clear away reminders.

Temporarily, it may help to remove pictures and objects that remind you

next challenge.

•

Practice self-care.

relationships because we’re afraid to conflicts may help you to resurrect your

•

Make new friends.

Investing too much in a single relationship can be overwhelming

handle things differently.

•

Pursue your interests.

Fill your time with enriching activities. Redecorate your living room or

moving in new circles.

•

Seek support.

Consider counseling.

•

Be gracious.

You might feel tempted to make unkind remarks to mutual acquaintances or post negative comments on social media. You’ll heal

If time passes and you’re still feeling

faster if you resist that urge and resolve to rise above any pettiness.

distressed, you may want to speak with a

Wish your one-time friend well and prepare for your own happy future.

professional therapist. They can help you get to the bottom of what’s bothering you.

You’ll probably gain and lose many friends over the course of your life, but each relationship can help make you kinder and wiser. Saying goodbye to a friend can be an opportunity to honor the role they played in your life and learn how to cultivate new and deeper connections.

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Building Bridges

Meet Molly Murphy MacGregor:

THE WOMAN BEHIND WOMEN'S HISTORY MONTH

BY JOBI TYSON

Women's History Month, declared each March by a presidential proclamation, began as an effort by five women, most of them teachers, to "write women back into history.” Leading the pioneering effort, Molly Murphy MacGregor, was a 27-year-old high school history teacher in 1972 when a student asked a question that would change the course of her life: “What’s the women’s movement?”

MacGregor didn’t know the answer, but it was the beginning of her realization that women’s narratives had been left out of history books, classrooms, and the media. Her research turned up scores of famous women she had never heard about—women who improved education, mental health care, and medical health care, who worked to end slavery and secure the vote.

To recognize how women have impacted, shaped, and influenced our world, in 1980, MacGregor co-founded the National Women’s History Alliance (NWHA).

For communities and organizations throughout the country, instead of selecting national honorees this year, the NWHA encourages groups throughout the country to use the theme to recognize and honor women in their own communities, organizations, or agencies.

The NWHA will continue to focus on being the clearinghouse for women’s history information and will continue to network with the many organizations and independent efforts that celebrate women’s achievements and contributions to writing women back into history.

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To commemorate International Women’s Day and National Women’s History Month, Editor-in-Chief Jobi Tyson sat down with Molly Murphy MacGregor to discuss her mission to share women’s history.

Q: As the key force behind why we now celebrate Women’s History Month in the United States, what is the significance today of the women’s movement and Women's History Month?

A: Invisibility is the number one form of bias. Invisibility

Q: What is the 2022 Women’s History theme and why is it important?

A: The 2022 Women’s History theme, “Providing Healing, Promoting Hope,” is both a tribute to the ceaseless work of caregivers and frontline workers during this ongoing pandemic and also a recognition of the thousands of ways that women of all cultures have provided both healing and hope throughout history.

Women as healers harken back to ancient times. Healing is the

enhances stereotypes and distortions, encourages alienation

personal experience of transcending suffering and transforming

and disinterest, and creates barriers to partnerships. Students

it to wholeness. The gift of hope spreads light to the lives of

need to see a full range of role models to appreciate the

others and reflects a belief in the unlimited possibilities of this

extraordinary diversity of our history and society. Special days

and future generations. Together, healing and hope are essential

like March as National Women's History Month, International

fuels for our dreams and our recovery.

Women's Day, and Women's Equality Day on August 26 give special focus to stories and accomplishments that are most often overlooked.

Women have long advocated for compassionate treatments and new directions in public health and women’s mental and physical health. Women have also historically led the way in mending divisions, healing wounds, and finding peaceful

Q: I am so impressed and inspired by

your patience and tolerance. How did you come to instigate change so thoughtfully, and which female leader have you found most inspiring, and why?

A: I taught high school and discovered that I knew nothing about women's history or even my own mother's history. I understand why teachers don't teach something they know nothing about. My goal is to introduce people to the importance of knowing women's history. The impact of the knowledge of women's history is not just the obvious in confronting sexism, misogyny, racism, and other prejudices. It is most important in its influence on girls/women and boys/men and their expectations of each other. I believe that the knowledge of women's history reduces domestic violence and bullying. It allows individuals not to feel so threatened by their lack of knowledge.

The list of women who continue to inspire me is endless. My work is dedicated to my mother who loved me unconditionally. Her memory sustains my sense of purpose.

solutions. This timeless work, in so many ways and in addition to so many other tasks, has helped countless individuals in our communities recover and follow their dreams.

The 2022 theme proudly honors those who, in both public and private life, provide healing and promote hope for the betterment of all.

Q: With all that you've accomplished in

women’s history, what work do you feel you have yet to accomplish?

A: So many people have so much misinformation about women, about reproductive health, about sharing power. But this is such an endless list.

Q: Looking back over the past four decades,

now how would you answer the question, “What’s the women’s movement?”

A: The Women's Movement is women and men working for justice and peace. It is a movement that is working together to model partnerships that inspire the next generation and encourage them to carry on.

For more information about the National Women’s History Alliance and Women's History Month, follow @nationalwomenshistoryalliance and visit www.nationalwomenshistoryalliance.org. www.tutumjournal.com

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A MONTHLY HUG IN A BOX

HELP US SEND CARE PACKAGES TO ELDER ORPHANS Together we can ensure our childless elders don't feel forgotten.

For more information, visit tutumglobal.com/care-packages or scan code

UNDERSTANDING SOCIAL ANXIET Y STOP CRIT ICAL SELF TALK WORKSHEET One component of anxiety in general, and social anxiety specifically, is unhelpful thoughts.

Our thoughts play a big part in how we feel.

By monitoring our thoughts, we can begin to recognize those thoughts that contribute to our anxiety. Shining a light on the unhelpful thoughts allows you to talk back with alternatives that can bring your feelings back to a manageable size.

Think about your self-talk. Most of us say things to ourselves that we would never say to a friend.

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TUTUM JOURNAL Spring 2022

Recall a time when you experienced social anxiety. What were you thinking?

Answer these questions with that event in mind: What did you say to yourself? List as many thoughts as you remember.

(I am so unworthy. I will never live a purposeful life.)

How did you feel after that?

(Embarrassed - afraid - disappointed - defeated - helpless - hopeless…)

Were the thoughts you had at that time actually true — based on facts?

Or was that your critical inner voice speaking?

(Critical inner voice — I had no way of knowing if that statement affected enjoying life beyond childlessness.)

What could you have said to talk back to your critical inner voice that is more reasonable?

(Wait! That may not have been the best thought. So far, I have survived 100% of my worst days. This is my anxiety talking — step back and stop it!)

www.tutumjournal.com

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SELF-CARE WHILE GRIEVING WORKSHEET 38

TUTUM JOURNAL Spring 2022

It is critical to take care of yourself in every way while grieving.

Use the space below to identify some ways you can do this.

To care for my mental well-being, I can: 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

To care for my physical well-being, I can: 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

To care for my emotional well-being, I can: 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

To care for my spiritual well-being, I can: 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

www.tutumjournal.com

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